A woman writes in my all things adoption group today – What can I say that would be a very pithy reply to the inevitable questions regarding my present and possibly future lack of biological children?
Technically, it is possible, though not probable, for me to conceive, but as of yet I have not, and I have worked through the emotional issues enough that I am now okay with being barren for the rest of my life.
It seems like freakin’ everyone who meets me and finds out that I don’t have kids after 14 years of marriage wants to know if I have considered adoption. Yes, I have considered it, and thanks primarily to this group, I don’t think it’s something that I can ethically proceed with now that I know about the trauma and negative effects.
I would like to have a short response (rather than a long, passionate speech) which assures the person that I have indeed considered the options, and have concluded that adoption is not for me (even though I’d love to convince them it’s not for everyone).
It’d be ideal if we could weave into the answer that we believe that we should seek to have as many children that God want us to, which at present is zero. Something that points out the impropriety of the very personal questions and shuts down further discussion due to the person’s embarrassment in asking would be great.
One suggestion – I would almost be inclined to say if God wanted us to have kids, he would have given us some, not by taking them from someone else. Or I don’t think that’s part of God’s plan for us and we are ok with that. Nor none of your flipping business.
An adoptee suggested – “God has other plans for me.” Or “I am not called to raise anyone else’s children as my own.”
An adoptive parent shares – you don’t owe anyone an explanation. Simply say “That’s too personal, I only discuss these things with my spouse” and leave it there. I went through this because my husband and I were the “type to want children” and I was infertile/chronically miscarrying. Now it’s never ending questions about my children and their stories/our process. So I say that’s our story alone and we prefer to keep it that way. Another adoptive parents notes – “That is not a kind or appropriate question to ask.” She said – I use this for the thousands of things people ask me as an adoptive parent.
This from a therapist, who was formerly a hopeful adoptive parent – “I don’t believe God wants me to buy children.”
Another adoptee suggested – “That’s an incredibly personal question. Did you mean to say that out loud?” And if the topic of adoption comes up, I’d make a comment about how children from families in crisis shouldn’t be used to build the families of others. They’re not there for our benefit. Or as another said more bluntly – “No thank you, I’m not interested in purchasing someone else’s child to perform a role they were not meant for.”
Blogger’s comment – The consensus seems to be trending towards presenting the fairy tale adoption narrative more honestly now. Just saying No to adoption generally.
Missing Mom 