There Is No Way To Get Around The Pain

Adoption has been seen as the best solution to 3 problems –

[1] a biological mother who cannot, will not,

or is discouraged from taking care of her child

[2] the child who is relinquished

[3] the infertile couple who want a child

Regardless of the quality of the adoptive relationship – adopted children experience themselves as unwanted, they are unable to trust the adoptive relationship as being permanent and they often demonstrate emotional disturbances and behavioral problems.

Some people cannot understand why the substitution of parents makes a difference – if – the adoptive parents provide a warm, caring, and loving atmosphere in which a child should be able to grow and develop.

The above paragraphs are notes that I made while reading The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child by Nancy Newton Verrier.

I was directly questioned at a writer’s conference, as I shared the family origins story I was discovering, about why is it a problem if the adoptive home is good. This is the reality – separating a mother and child from one another simply has consequences that are unavoidable. The book mentioned above goes to great pains to explain why and it has made a believer out of me.

I remember a long chat with my nephew when he poured his heart out to me – “it bothers me more that we were all kind of disposable and I hate the idea of kids being disposable to adults. I would do whatever it takes for my son. Why was I not worth that? I know it doesn’t always work out that way and life isn’t always easy but I love my son more than air and no one loved me the same. That is what kills me. That makes me angry. People are NOT disposable.”

It wasn’t true of course. This child was loved very much. However, this is the kind of pain that haunts a child separated from their natural mother, even as an adult. And it has effects on their relationships throughout their lives. Therapy and counseling can help but even so, there is no way to get around the pain – sadly.

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