The perspective “out there” is improving and it isn’t happening by chance but because adoptees are speaking out about the circumstances of their lives. And though it may not change at the individual life level, I am hopeful it is changing in the larger sense.
I recently read about an adoptive parent who was told – “They are so lucky you adopted them.”
This adoptive mother reflected on that perspective and realized – “They are not lucky! It is not lucky to be orphaned or born to a parent who is unable to parent at that time. It is not lucky to live in an orphanage or foster care, and it is not lucky to be thrust into a home with perfect strangers and try to form parental attachment and bonds with them. There is nothing about coming to the place where you need to be adopted that is a lucky and they are not lucky we adopted them. We are blessed to have them in our family, but if the luck had been on their side there would not have been unfortunate circumstances that kept them from being raised by their birth families in the first place.”
In my mom’s case, her adoptive mother was over the moon happy to have her. But there were nagging doubts because she had been lied to about the circumstances of my mom’s “need” to be adopted.
She did not “need” to be adopted. Her original mother WANTED to raise her and tried very hard to keep her but got bested by a master of deception – Georgia Tann. My adoptive grandmother was told my mom’s parents were married students who weren’t ready to raise their child and were financially unable to provide for her. That last part was the struggle my original grandmother was trying mightily to address.
My adoptive grandparents did feel blessed to buy two children, the “perfect” family unit of an eldest son and a baby sister. But at least for my mom (I don’t know the circumstances surrounding my uncle’s adoption) it was all unfortunate circumstances. No wonder she died firmly believing she had been stolen from her parents. In effect, she was.