Not Real

This is complicated.  It is weird growing up knowing your grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins are not really related to you.  That is what it is like when BOTH of your parents were adopted.  Adoptees experience adoption as individually as any two people experience reality.

My mom had to stop creating the family trees on Ancestry because she said to me, it just isn’t real.  She somewhat hollowly said she was glad she was adopted but I knew from long years as her confidant that wasn’t totally true.  She was glad that as a Georgia Tann baby she didn’t end up in worse circumstances.  She ended up in a wealthy home with privileges.

So much so, that when she conceived me with a boy that came from very humble beginnings, her parents really felt disappointed that she had married below her class.  My adoptive grandparents never shared family holidays until I was well into maturity and then I only remember one occasion when the 3 of them were all present for one Thanksgiving (my mom’s adoptive father having died long before that time).

While my adoptive grandparents certainly played their roles for real and had an enormous impact on all of our lives, now that I know the truth of who my parent’s original parents were, that is who I think of when I think about my grandparents, even though I had no in life real experiences with them.

At my age, it is not uncommon for one’s parents to have died and if that is so, one’s grandparents have also died.  It’s not that I think those adoptive aunts, uncles and cousins are not really “good” people – they are.

Yet, now that I have cousins and one aunt who are genetically related to me, I’m all about slowly without a lot of force, experiencing their lives and all that unfolds in any human life as a way that I can become better acquainted.  To build familial relationships with people that share some of my genetic DNA during whatever time we have left in this world.

6 thoughts on “Not Real

  1. I absolutely love reading ur blogs, Seriously it’s probably the only information I’ve related to, I’m at a point in my life at 47, that I’m thinking what exactly was the point of me being born, being adopted has ruled all of my life, and by telling my children it’s now going to impact their lives! I really think my life had its route planned before I was even born, it’s not fair, I don’t have any chance now of finding out who I am! My birth dad was like the first time I recognised myself and now he’s died, I have no chance, I feel so resentful that I never got a fair chance at life, there’s no one who can even offer Counselling! How pathetic is that, I’m lost and I have lost all hope that I will find my way, and even If I see a way to get passed this sadness what’s the point! Love joy xxxx

    Sent from my iPad



    1. Oh Joy. My heart breaks for you. I have some sense of how you feel and you are correct, it affects your children too. I find it a complicated idea to wrap my brain around . . . there is such tragic sadness in my parent’s adoptions . . . yet if it had not happened, I would not exist. I have to see a really larger picture to even try to accept an imperfect perfection in it all. Please don’t lose hope. My parents died knowing nothing about their origins but now I know all of it and have found real descendants that I am genetically related to. One of the best developments in recent years are inexpensive DNA tests available at 23 and Me and/or Ancestry. Both have been a huge help to me. Everyone dies eventually. We simply have to do the best we can with the time we have. Both of my parents are gone now. It is simply how life is. HUGS. Please feel free to reach out to me anytime. You can also find me on Facebook.


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