Actually . . . it isn’t that simple or easy in reality. Today, I read this –
I adopted my daughter at birth. She’s now 3. I wanted an open adoption, but I find it hard to connect with her mom. I had visions of a close relationship and it’s just not happening that way. It feels awkward and uncomfortable. I know she feels it too. She is about 10 years younger than me and we have nothing in common. By now I feel we should be in a better place. To be honest, it’s become something that I find myself avoiding more and more because it’s uncomfortable. I hate that I do that. I push off calling or texting. I am not sure what I’m feeling. I think a lot is guilt. I see how when they are together how perfectly they interact. My daughter loves her. I have been reading in here and trying to self reflect to make sure it’s not my fragility. I do genuinely love that they have a close connection, so I don’t think it’s jealousy.
What it is, is reality. What is happening is that real maternal bond that deep inside is never severed. As an adoptive mother, you will never have that same kind of connection. Yes, you can love a child. Yes, you can be grateful that your child is able to know the mother who gave birth to them.
You had a fantasy about having this “close relationship” and that is the reason it is “just not happening”. It was you fantasy and not an achievable reality. Your presence reminds this child’s mother that you and not she is with the child most of the time. Your deepest self is acknowledging the guilt you feel at having separated them by seeing how perfectly they naturally interact with one another.
So get real with why this feels so uncomfortable to you. Get over your own feelings. The well-being of this little girl should be the only deciding factor in your behavior going forward.