As much as I share here, the truths can be hard to process. Many will simply go on and have the experience, even if they have been warned in advance about the challenges they will face and more importantly the life they are going to impact with their decision to adopt a child.
Many come into my all things adoption group having already taken that step to adopt a child. So, they are learning in hindsight but at least they are trying to understand what they are involved in at that point. Life is like that. No matter how many people try to tell you something you don’t want to hear, you are going to go your own way regardless, and then you learn in the fire of reality.
One of those hard to process realities is when an adoption begins as what is defined as “open.” It is not uncommon for these to become more “closed” over time, even if that was not the intention going in. Today’s story is a typical experience.
My son’s adoption is open by name only at this point. His genetic, biological mother and I texted for the first 2 years but I have not heard from her for the last 9. I send pictures and updates 3 times a year because that is our agreement. She has not seen him or spoken to him since his placement day and he was placed with an interim care family at birth.
My question is for other first mothers. My son has recently expressed interest in speaking with his original mother. I know that having a relationship with her will make a huge difference in his health and happiness long-term. I want to be respectful of her needs and desires but I would like to see if there is any possibility of facilitating contact. My thinking is that it will be easier to start contact at this age (he is now 11 years old), in case his feelings and questions get more complicated as he gets older, which seems likely. I plan to send her an email suggesting the possibility of speaking or meeting at some point in the near future. Is there anything I could say / should not say to make this easier? I don’t want to push, just to be a catalyst if this is possible.
I am happy to ask him what questions he might have and let her know ahead of time, or structure the meeting/phone call/emails in any way that would make it easier for her. I know it is hard for her and I wonder if contact would make things easier. Of course, there is so much that I don’t understand about her experience. What I do know is that there is a whole world of relationship between them – whether they meet or not. I know I am a bystander to that and I am fine with it. I just want to create an opening for them and see what they will make of it. Do you have any insights or advice for me as I navigate this?
She began her request with – Some of the truths about adoption as shared here have been hard to process but I am happy that I am learning. That is why I have titled this blog as I did. To reach out among adoptees and former foster care youth is to be vulnerable to hearing perspectives that may be uncomfortable.
Some selected responses – sending updates 3 times a year because that is your agreement is a generic way to manage what is a very paramount relationship. Regardless of what you agreed to, you should have done more. Sticking to an “agreement” does not show her how much she matters. Keeping her in his life all the time is what should be done, until she tells you not to. Moms make agreements usually for much less than they actually want because they walk on eggshells around hopeful adoptive parents. She does not have to answer, but you should have been showing her more often, how much she counts.
This woman’s response was – It’s been hard to know how to be in a relationship with completely one-sided communication. In the absence of communication about what her wanted, the agency social worker advised me to stick to the agreement. We discussed text vs email and I was advised that text might be too immediate, if she wanted to withdraw at that time. I would have much preferred being in closer contact and being able to send off a photo or thought whenever it struck me. I see now that the guidance that I got was not great and that I should have explicitly asked her for clarification about what she wanted. I was trying to honor what I thought she wanted, which seemed to be more distance. It’s been so confusing navigating this without any guidance.
One of those first mothers replied – Stay out of their relationship as much as you can. It is not about you at all and he AND his mother need to know that you understand that. To which the woman replied – Do you mean once a contact relationship is established by me? I could facilitate our son sending an email himself but I would be afraid of the disappointment of not getting a response. He is still pretty young, he is not feeling a pressing need to get in touch (consciously at least), just casually said to me that we should call her and say hi on his birthday. This is mostly being led by me seeing that things will get more complicated as he gets older and hoping to create an opening for them now. But once contact is established (if!) this is invaluable for me to know.
Another first mother answered – I think sometimes adoptive parents try to reassure or instill pride in the original mother by showing or telling them how well their child is doing. I would hold off on that. Natural mothering instincts are suppressed, when you place a baby. That mother needs to know her child is hurting. She needs to know there is a hole only she can fill and that it will remain empty without her. I can only imagine how hard that would be to say and hear and feel as an adoptive parent but in my opinion the first mother needs that. They need to hear they are needed as a mom. So much of what happens during and after placement tells the original mother that they are no longer mothers. If she does not feel like a mom, she will not act like it. Which is never best for a child.
An adoptive parent asked – how do you do this without causing shame to the mom? The response from a first mother was – the mother needs to feel shame. It’s part of our journey and a pivotal moment on our way to accepting accountability for our actions. I know it’s tempting to relieve that ,especially if you’re concerned with how that mother will react. But saving someone from their emotions only hinders their progress. And I’m not saying try to force shame on her or say things to purposefully hurt her. I am saying if you tell a first mother her child is hurting and needs her, and if her response to that is feeling ashamed, that’s ok. That’s how a mother should feel, when they learn they’ve hurt or are hurting their child.
An adoptive mother shared – Our kid’s mother and I tackled that conversation in the past year. I opened the conversation with the need of the child – “Child m is struggling with xyz, what do you think about that? You would have the best insight as child m’s mom.” I know about her background from conversations we have had previously, so I was also able to mirror some of what she had shared back. For me, the conversation was focused on what she thought was best or what the child needed. Not on did she do that as a kid or gaining like medical background from her. Because that feels like I’m just gaining information, not asking her to brainstorm or advise me. I also started to ask her permission for other parenting decisions to gain her input. That also helped us build that kind of relationship. And it can be small things too like child c wants to pierce their ears, is that okay with you? Child s has asked to try public school instead of private what are your thoughts? Child e is going out for xyz play, did you ever act or sing? Any advise for child e? For us, this reaffirms her as their mom because she is. It also gives us a way to update her about her kids and their life choices, events etc without it always being the same “so and so is great, here’s some photos of them smiling.”
Another first mother admitted – I know that if my children’s adoptive mother reached out saying my kids wanted contact, I would JUMP on it. Anytime, anywhere, any way I could. But then again, I couldn’t imagine having the option to see my kids and not taking it. I would traverse the depths of Hell to get that opportunity. My advice would be to reach out and just tell her that her child wants to get to know her, and that the door is open for her.
Missing Mom 