Openness

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Today’s story from an adoptive mother – she asks, are there any adoptees out there who grew up with a lot of openness with birth parents ? She gives her background – My daughter came to me at 2 through public adoption, now 7.5. I thought I was well-informed. We have established a relatively high degree of “openness” – spend time with mom approx every two weeks… but especially whenever she’s having a hard time, I wonder if this is “enough”. Sometimes I hear the horror stories about adoptive parents who are abusive or even just unaware of adoption trauma, and it’s easy to heave a sigh of relief, that I’m not that bad, but really am I offering my (our shared) daughter enough of what she needs? I’d really love to hear from adoptees who grew up with openness about the benefits and any challenges that came with that.

One slew of suggestions came –  it is good that they see one another as often as you describe. I think one thing that can get closer to what the child deserves to get from their parent is productive contact instead of visitation. Can she check her homework or help her study for a test for a half hour one night a week? Even via zoom? Can you ask her to make a list of things she’d like to teach her daughter over the course of a year like – how to braid hair, ride a bike, memorize her multiplication tables, cook a chicken dinner, bake a cake, sew a button, hem a dress, make mini furniture for a doll, build a model airplane, make a volcano that blows smoke, run a 10 min mile, do a cartwheel, do the splits, play an instrument – you know things she already knows how to do and wants to teach, or stuff they could read instructions for and learn how to do together during short scheduled visits on line or in person. You could offer to get the supplies they need to facilitate Mom’s lesson plan. It is kind of unnatural for children to visit with their parents and awkward for parents to observe their child and not be contributing to their growth. Ask mom to make a list of things she’d be teaching her at 7.5 years old; and then, help make it happen. The child deserves at least that from her mom. You’ll feel good for facilitating that too.

When she was commended for her suggestions, her reply was –  I just pour the love of my heart out, praying that maybe one adopted kid will get a chance to interact with their mother or father in a way that kids should interact with their parents, not like visiting strangers but like as parents who are teachers, who are deeply concerned with growing their potential, rather than ‘catching up’ like strangers, outsiders with nothing to offer. If I lost my kid to adoption, I’d be dying every day and of course, I’d probably spiral into some drug induced pain numbing self destructive cycle. Who wouldn’t ? I just to like engage with these parents as parents, help them to know their role is growing their child’s world and maybe, the parent will grow some self worth too. Maybe the kid will have some really positive memories. Maybe the adoptive parent will be less resentful but shit, people get so jealous, like oh they lost their right to parent – they lost their right to custody and nobody but God can take away their parenthood, so why not help the kid have some good memories but people are such assholes usually, they won’t allow for anything but ‘visitation’. WTF is that to a kid ? uh oh, I ranted. Thanks for listening.

This woman is the child of an orphan (blogger’s note – not an adoptee herself, so not who the original poster was hoping to hear from but I feel this woman’s perspectives are helpful, so I decided to run with them), who having found her biological genetic family, started helping others. She admits – after finding that family almost 30 years ago, she got really mad when she read the laws. That caused her to become a loudmouthed activist after having reunited a few hundred families. She had found that they all have that same violation of the person’s kinship rights and identity. It made her cranky and want to stop the separation of families.

After being called out for not being an adoptee, she had more to say – I don’t believe in the concept of a triad, it’s a false construct by the adoption industry seeking to pretend that there is some kind equal stakeholders in a bid for the property rights to a human being. I provide information from a neutral position, given my 30 years of exposure to parents who lost their kids to adoption, who want to be doing lots more and contributing lots more than they are allowed to – it’s just bullshit. So, I took the opportunity to say what I thought. I had something to say. It is a topic I care a lot about – I spend most of my free time either helping people search or in advocacy efforts to educate people out of adoption. If an adopted person had posted and dictated parameters of who should and should not answer, I would NEVER have answered – this post was by an adoptive mother, they have a preference for who they want to respond, but I have been a listener and recorder of good information, given to me by families who have struggled to find each other.

One day I’m gonna die and I’m hoping to get that message to people who adopted or who are hoping to adopt. I’m not gonna write a book, create a youtube channel or a tic tock or an instagram page and I’m not gonna blog about it. Commenting in a few Facebook forums is as far as I take it because I’m not trying to draw attention to myself, only be helpful.

One adoptive mother shares – my son’s Dad takes him to boxing every week and then, out for afternoon tea before dropping him off at home. Works really well for us. I think it works for Dad because there is something pre-arranged to do, plus also more free time with the afternoon tea to talk or whatever. It’s also something my son wouldn’t be able to do if Dad couldn’t take him because I’m at work at that time. I am hoping to set up something similar with his Mum in future but it’s not the right time at the moment (she has regular contact, just in a different way).

To which the woman above responds – Productive contact ! Brilliant, frequent contact doing something, one small thing a father would normally do for his kid. It’s a tiny fraction of all the things parents are supposed to do but it is really healthy for a child to interact with their parent that way I think, instead of just visiting for an hour and what did you do this week ? I like that you set it up so it is productive for your household too. Very smart. Other things parents can do for productive visits are like have a kid pick a newspaper article to read and discuss – teach a kid how to read a map – start studying the drivers training manual early, describe a scene and each draw it in 5 minutes then swap pictures. Tell the kid a story from their childhood or culture, make a family tree, create emergency plans for different situations, safety topics like “what would you do if someone came to the door and wanted to use your phone saying they had a car accident?” What to do if the person taking care of you hits their head and gets knocked unconscious? Don’t throw water on a grease fire. Don’t try to give a cat a bath. Don’t use dish soap in a dishwasher.

Back to the original poster, she acknowledges the adoptive mother who appreciates her son’s dad taking him to boxing. This is a great idea ! They do spend alone time together for the past year. We are very different and it is often not things I’m super keen on (lots of tv time, phone time, and processed foods) but I have been working on letting go of trying to have control over what happens in their time together because it hasn’t always been well-received and I can understand that especially, in this situation, people don’t want to be micromanaged. She also acknowledges the one with lots of suggestions – her message about having meaningful parenting tasks to do is appreciated. Maybe finding ways to incorporate more of these would be helpful…. There is a possible opportunity for mom to take her to skating lesson this Saturday.