It is sad . . . today’s story – an adoptee who became an adoptive parent had only the best intentions. We wanted an open adoption from the beginning. Not just calls and pictures, but truly and fully open. And we did that. But what happens when the first family doesn’t put forth any effort ? They will promise but don’t follow through. My son dreads being around them. They say they will do better but don’t. My son has now said he wants nothing to do with them. That is heartbreaking for me. I’ve told him they love him so much and he said “well, I’ve never seen love shown this way.”
When they showed up, they were completely upset that he wasn’t overly thrilled to see them or he didn’t want to hug. I tried to explain to them, it’s because it’s been months and months with no contact from them, he doesn’t really know them, and so of course, it’s going to take time for him to open up. But because he is reserved they give up and they don’t try. Now there hasn’t been any contact in months. My 11 year old son seems happier and stress free. Even so, I’m sad about it.
Another adoptee who is a former foster care youth shared their experience – My parents also kept me in contact with my birth family members since the beginning. Some good, some bad. My birth mom sounds just like his, and I honestly resented my parents for forcing it. They were just trying to hold up their end of the commitment, but they didn’t hear me when I said I didn’t want to go. Years later we still discuss it in therapy. My grandparents on the other hand are AMAZING and I am so happy that my family encouraged and allowed access. But they are great because they showed up for me. Loved me, took an interest in me, etc. Listen to your son. I’m sure you are doing the same as my parents were, which I thank you for that. Maybe it will be a wake up call to his first family that they need to adjust their behavior… or maybe not. But his voice needs to be heard.
Of course, sometimes it works. From Let It Be Us, an essay titled LINK>Open Adoption – A 30+ Year Perspective From the Rear View Mirror. The woman writing is Susan McConnell, who has 30+ years of experience in open adoption. She notes – “in the world of open adoption, openness is a process.” And from more than one experience that I have read – sometimes a bit messy.
Missing Mom 