The image above comes from an essay at YourTango LINK>Woman Confronts Adoptive Mother. Thirty-six years after being adopted, the woman discovered that her birth mom had made a request to not change the name she was given at birth. The adoptive mother explained that in their religion, they name children after the people in their family they care about. The adoptive mother further stated that if her birth mom did not want her daughter’s name to be changed, she should not have placed her child up for adoption.
An adoptee asked those who are mothers of loss (surrendered a child to adoption) in my all things adoption group – If you know about your children and what became of them, do you think of that child by the name you gave them, or the name the adoptive parents gave them ?
One of those mothers of loss shared her experiences – I am my son’s natural mother but we always had an open adoption relationship and his adoptive parents got together with me before he was born to plan his names (ie they wanted me to choose what I would name him and they were going to keep one of those names as a middle name with the name they had already planned).
I have always called him by the name they chose (except while he and I were in the hospital together and I didn’t really use a name. We just cried together a lot).
My 23 yr old niece who was adopted into my family found her mom and brother in recent years after no contact throughout her life (my brother and sister-in-law closed the adoption very early) and at that first meeting, her mother and brother struggled to call her by her current name. They asked her preference and I think hoped she would prefer her original name.
Of course, none of this can tell you how your first mother thinks but based on my and my niece’s experiences I might guess that moms who have been able to stay in regular contact probably adjust to the new name easier than moms who lose their baby and don’t see them again until adulthood. It makes sense to me that they might be more likely to think of their child by the name they originally chose.
An adoptive parent shared – I didn’t change her first name after adoption. She recently found her biological mom and extended family at age 15. They all still referred to her as that original birth name. It has made reunification and their current relationship so much better than if she had another name. I have no doubt they think and talk about you as your natural birth name. I also advocate now that no one change a kid’s name.
One adoptee shared – my mom called my brother Luke. The adoptive parents changed it to Luis (he was over a year old when they adopted him). I don’t agree with them regarding their changing it. My mom still calls him Luke – her own long time habit of thinking of him as that name.
Missing Mom 