Today’s story from an adoptive parent – our five year old boy was adopted in infancy. We have a great relationship with his biological mom and his siblings (who were adopted out of foster care by a different family). I’m specifically seeking advice on how to talk to him about his dad. Both parents have been involved with the criminal (in)justice system, and suffer from substance use disorder. I am absolutely not of the opinion that those things make them unsafe or unfit for their children to be around them, that’s why we have such a close relationship with his mom. However, we’ve never met dad. His history is filled with lots of violent and erratic behavior, and for context purposes I’ll say it’s been as severe as attempted murder. Mom has had to go into hiding because of his threats and physical abuse.
My biggest conflict here is that I never want to paint his parents in a bad light, especially given my own position as his adoptive parent. I want to talk about his dad in the most honest but respectful way possible, but the reality is that it he may never meet him and I don’t actually have any positive stories to share. His mom doesn’t bring him up much, but I don’t think treating it as if the dad doesn’t exist is the right answer on my part. I would love advice from adoptees and FFY on ways that I can talk about his dad without overstepping my own role and inserting any personal feelings into my language. Basically, how to best navigate being honest and open without being negative.
An adoptee who’s biological father also had substance use issues suggests – I think you just tell the truth without using scary graphic images, staying age-appropriate. And connect with Dad’s extended family as much as possible.
Another person answering from the position of a parent of young kids, suggests – I relate this to the common parenting advice you see today about teaching kids about “tricky people.” In your shoes I would talk about how even people who love us can be tricky people, and elaborate from there in age appropriate ways.
Missing Mom 