Today’s story – An adoptive parent previously adopted 2 siblings. A year later, their biological mom gave birth. So this adoptive parent took placement of the new baby and baby has been with them for over two years. It’s looking like a reunification with the child’s mother will take place in 4 months. The adoptive parent is worried about any continuing contact after reunification and thinks it’d be too hard for the adopted children to see their sibling but not be living with them. The adopted kids are in therapy but they struggle with so much already.
So this person had questions – Would a clean break be better for the adoptees ? One of them worries about the “bad” life the sibling would have after reunification because they didn’t have a good life with their biological parent. They are worried that their parent didn’t really change and don’t want to see their sibling hurt. What would you want in this situation, if you were the adopted kids ?
In response, there was this heart wrenching plea – Please allow them to keep in contact. My youngest brother was adopted, we barely got to see each other growing up. He killed himself and we can never get those years back. He may still be alive today, if my 2 other siblings and myself were able to remain actively in his life to give him a support network beyond his adoptive parent.
From another adoptee – There’s no such thing as a clean cut/clean break. From someone who’s natural mom was told it was the best thing for me, it absolutely was not. While I don’t have known natural siblings, I would assume the same is true for siblings. Keep. All. Family. Ties. ALL OF THEM. The ONLY acceptable reason for a foster parent or adoptive parent to EVER cut ties is that the child of the natural parent is unsafe, if there was contact – and even then, it’s almost never going to mean completely cutting them off. There is the possibility of limited or supervised visits between them.
From an adoptee’s personal experience – I have siblings that were adopted by other homes and my sister got to go back to live with our mom eventually. We were unable to keep in contact before I was 19 because I wasn’t allowed. I’d give anything to have those years with my sister back. I think having my sister accessible would have been better for me, even if we couldn’t live with each other. Someone who looked like me. Had the same memories. Loved the same people. Had the same family. I think it would have been beneficial.
Missing Mom 