Biology and What’s Possible

A thought and a question in my all things adoption group today – Biology programs us to prefer the children we gave birth to. You can try to be “fair” but I firmly believe biology and the subconscious takes over. This is how it’s supposed to be. It’s natural instincts. What does it say about biological connection when one says they love a stranger’s natural child the same or just as much? How do biological children in the home feel about this? Is it really possible?

Some replies –

A woman who spent time in foster care, writes – As a biologist, and just someone who can read research, children’s risk factors for abuse increase with a step parent in the home. I can imagine the risk increases as an adopted child. Our biology literally hardwires us to support our family lineage over non. We’re one of several species who will take in non blood others however. As someone who’s mother preferred other children over her own, I couldn’t say. I think my mom wanted a doll baby, not kids.

Someone backs that up with a PubMed.NCBI.NLM.NIH.gov study abstract, an excerpt – Children residing in households with adults unrelated to them were 8 times more likely to die of maltreatment than children in households with 2 biological parents. The risk of maltreatment death was elevated for children residing with step, foster, or adoptive parents. Risk of maltreatment was not increased for children living with only 1 biological parent.

One adoptee shares – Having my own children really bought home the difference. My son had to go into NICU after he was born for a few days. I had an anxiety attack. I’ve never had an anxiety attack before or since. Another with a similar experience mentions the book LINK>Mother Hunger by Kelly McDaniel. (blogger’s note – that book’s page touches a deep sadness in me as my daughter ended up being raised by her dad and a step-mother. McDaniel notes – “a mother can’t give her daughter what she doesn’t have.” I didn’t have the financial resources to support us. An interesting coincidence – my daughter ended up spending many days breastfeeding my grand-daughter in NICU.)

Another woman notes – I started learning more about the issues with adoption, while I was pregnant, but once I gave birth it was permanently engraved in my mind – I will never take away another mom’s babies. An adoptee responds to that with – Having my baby was a painful wake up call once I realized how different my experience with my adoptive parents was to what’s natural. And what it meant to lose the natural connection with my first mom in infancy. Yet another adoptee shares – my second baby was a 27 week preemie. I was horrified at the thought of not being there for him and for him experiencing what I did (being left alone in a hospital for two months). He was only allowed out of the humicrib once a day, so I would express and then have him skin to skin for as long as I could. I would lie like that for hours, until I had to either pee or express again. The nurses told me they had never seen anyone stay for hours like this. I was just so terrified he would suffer long term effects like I do.

There is always possible yet another perspective – I love my adopted kids the same as my biological ones. I also love my besties kids the same. My heart swells with love for the littles who call me Nanny that are not related to me at all. I love all my parents. I have natural, adopted and step parents. There is no shortage of love that a heart can give. That is just my personal opinion, of course. To which another responds – I’ll go ahead and say it. It’s true. Even if you don’t want to admit it’s true; it’s true. I love every kid I’ve ever taken care of, I love my friends kids, my nieces, and my nephews but the love I have for my biological son will always be different. Now, that doesn’t mean that I treat them different because I don’t but the love is just… different.

One raised by a step-mother writes – Growing up there was absolutely a difference in how my step mom felt towards me compared to my siblings (who were all hers). I was the only one from my father’s previous marriage. It was very tough. She will be the first to tell you that she did NOT love me the same. She struggled severely with depression and anxiety, a lot of which was spurred by how much she wanted to love me like her other kids, but couldn’t bring herself to.

To be fair to her, she was young when she married my dad and I was already 3. She also didn’t know she would become a primary parent in my life as my mom had legal custody (blogger’s note, very much like what happened with my daughter). She stood by my dad’s side as he fought for full custody (blogger’s note – which my ex never attempted to my knowledge) when it was needed because she knew it was right, but she did not think she was signing up to raise me when she married him.

Now, if you asked her now about our relationship, she would tell you that secretly she loves me more than her own kids (as both my parents like to tell me) and she relies more on me than any of them. It took a loooooot of building over many years, though, and it certainly wasn’t natural. It was hard, hard work. (blogger’s note – I know that my daughter has very strong, positive feelings towards her step-mother, who actually stepped into very similar circumstances when she married my daughter’s father. Her being there to give my daughter a family with siblings had a lot to do with me not fighting to regain physical custody of my daughter, which I had never expected to give up. It sort just came to pass over time.)

A note from a legal professional – The way biological vs. non-bio family are treated in estate plans tells me you are 100% correct. Adopters put on a good front in public and on their social media pages, but when it comes time to choose, they always choose blood.

Also, as an actual mother, the feeling I have for each of my children is deeply engrained in me. It’s a biological connection that was triggered during pregnancy and heightened during birth. If you’ve never given birth, you cannot understand this instant bond. It is not the same as anything you’ve experienced in your life so don’t even try to say “I felt an instant bond to my adopted child” because while there may be some truth to that, it does not compare. Period.

On another note, I do think men are capable of connecting to non-bio children easier than women. This is based off the stories I’ve heard from adoptees (not my own lived experience) so take it with a grain of salt.

One final one from the sibling of international adoptees – I always thought this was a weird thing my parents said about my adopted siblings. It didn’t make me feel “slighted” but the pendulum swung HARD as they continued to try and prove the adopted kids were “just as loved”, which resulted in us bio kids never really getting much care from our bio parents. And to be clear my parents had NO business taking in more children – since they had 5 biological children of their own and a kinship placement, when they decided to adopt 4 foreign teenagers with SEVERE trauma. My adopted siblings deserved more care and time than they got, while the biological kids still drowned on their own anyways, due to a lack of time/care.

I think we were in a weird case, where my parents didn’t actually like or want children and they adopted purely for the savior complex and social media accolades. Most of the bio kids have been cut off for various reasons but my parents have never stopped publicly loving their internet sensations. Many of the people around them have pointed out they could care less about the kids who don’t give them a good public image.

She adds this disclaimer- I do not blame or hold any resentment towards my adopted siblings at all in this regard.

Bridging Transitions

Today’s story – My son was adopted from foster care at age 2. He’s 6 years old. His mom has been in prison and hasn’t seen him since he was 4. We did yearly visits at ages 3 and 4 before she was incarcerated. When she gets released, she will be living in a different state. She has requested video calls with him.

Here’s where we need advice. Do we talk with him about his feelings surrounding these video calls? Do we allow the choice to be his? We want their relationship to be led by him, but is 6 too young to understand? Should we be taking the lead until he’s old enough to decide what he wants?

Added details: there were never any negative behaviors after our past visits at ages 3 and 4. I would talk with him very lightly about the visit afterwards to gauge where he was at. Our son has some mental health needs and we’re trying to be sensitive to those since he’s doing so well at this time.

An adoptee answers – There are many factors to consider. First and foremost, the choice is ALWAYS his. Always let the child lead the relationship and respect their wishes. The desires of parents (natural, foster, or adoptive) never have priority over that of the child. When asking if they want to call or visit, remember that “I don’t know” or “I’m unsure” is not an automatic yes. That means there needs to be a longer conversation to help figure out their feelings together. This would be best done in conjunction with a trauma-informed therapist.

Secondly, the context of the incarceration. None of our business and I’m not asking, but it’s relevant to consider. Things like theft, substance use, fraud, prostitution, etc are all situations that do not make someone any less of a parent. However crimes against the child should be taken seriously. Despite my pleas, I was forced to visit my abuser and trafficker in prison, even as she sat for the crimes against me.

Third, consider the environment of the facility. Even if the relationship with mom is a healthy thing to maintain, it can be deeply frightening and traumatizing for children. I witnessed and was subjected to some very disturbing behavior while visiting prisons in my youth. In cases like this, video calls (like I believe your post mentioned) are obviously preferred but consider being pen pals as well. These mementos can be saved forever and looked back on, and also it can take the stress off face-to-face interactions that can be very awkward for many.

According to the Sesame Street Workshop – 2.6 million children have a parent who is incarcerated. It is one of the major causes of placement into foster care. Want to know more? – Sesame Street Workshop topic – LINK>Incarceration.

Feeling Alone

Today’s story – Adopted at birth. Black child adopted by white family. Intense borderline personality disorder and identity issues. Constant shame. Why do I feel this way! My adoptive parents were always good to me. My adoptive mother said she understands but refuses to read literature about how traumatized I am because she doesn’t like non fiction.

Fast forward to August of last year I took an Ancestry DNA test. My birth mother was indifferent when I found her, but my birth father was brimming with joy that he had a daughter. My mom never told him she was pregnant. They had a fling in the military together years ago. Anyways, I look just like my dad and he’s already spoke about the guilt he feels missing out on my life. He loves my kids (his grand kids) and he is flying us out to visit him this winter. He’s a great man and I finally found my family. Why do I still feel so alone?

Some thoughts –

One adoptee noted – The abandonment is so real. It’s just a part of who I am.

Another adoptee writes – Lifelong trauma is something that can be lessened over time but unfortunately it will always be there to some degree. I am 76 and will never be rid of some of the ‘stuff’. I do take some comfort and closure in knowing who I am and where I came from. I hope in time you can take comfort in that and develop a longlasting and close relationship with your birth dad. My heart goes out to you.

Another person calls it out – Not liking nonfiction is an absolutely ridiculous excuse to not read about the trauma of adoption (particularly transracial adoption). I’m so sorry she isn’t willing to do that for you.

Another adoptee acknowledges – reunion sometimes feels like it will fix everything but it doesn’t, unfortunately. There is more grief to process in that we missed out on so much time with biological family and even though there can be instant and great connections, we still don’t feel truly a part of the family.

An adoptee in reunion notes – I’ve been in reunion for over 10 years and still feel lonely, even though it’s all been really great. I think it’s just a part of who we became when we were taken away. I wish we could feel instantly better, when we find answers to our history but this is also why I always talk to everyone about adoption and all it’s myths because doing this to people is just so messed up. We had no say in this but yet we are the ones that have to deal with all the ramifications.

One adoptee admits – I never really made the connection. I have had a lovely reunion with my dad as well, but you are right. I constantly tell my husband, I feel alone. I just don’t fit anywhere. I’m dealing with it. It’s a process though.

An interesting explanation from an adoptee – Our brains have been rewired for protection instead of connection. We literally had our brains synapses and pathways changed in order to survive in a world without connection. My psychologist described it as “what we are told is love for us is survival and trauma bonding”. When our whole concept of love is based on this, is it any wonder we struggle to understand connection. I did until I had my own babies and that in itself was a devastating reality. Even with them, my little family and reunion of sorts, I still feel utterly alone like an alien dropped into a moonscape. We are having a normal reaction to a very abnormal situation.

Some advice from someone who facilitates reunions – Why is it not enough? Because it is not enough – it is so much less than you deserve. Why can’t your mother behave the way your father is behaving? Why can’t you matter to her, the way you matter to him? It hurts because your getting only half of what you are entitled to – what every person born is entitled to. You are not ungrateful for what you have —you are necessarily anguished for the absence of something every person deserves and every person actually needs to feel complete and secure – having two parents that care about you. Humans are resilient. They can endure and survive horrible losses and violations and trauma. They can realize their inherent value, even after they’ve been abused and mistreated. They can move on but to expect them not to feel let down, when their parent is indifferent, is just not fair to a person in that situation. Don’t let your birth mother stop you from reaching out to your maternal relatives. They may think you are wonderful and want very much to know you.

Support for Reproductive Rights

Tim Walz with wife and children

After Roe v. Wade was overturned, Tim Walz was the first governor to codify abortion access into a state constitution. In January 2023, Walz signed into law Minnesota legislation that includes no limitations on when a woman may end the life of her unborn baby. He has said, regarding reproductive freedom – “There’s a golden rule: Mind your own damn business!”

The Democratic governor’s kids, Hope and Gus, are now 23 and 17. He and his wife, Gwen, had been married for eight years, no children but they wanted children. Tim and Gwen Walz’s journey to parenthood was made possible through In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). We got Hope because of this type of stuff,” Walz said regarding assisted reproduction.

Walz had campaigned on popular Democratic policies and actually implemented them.

About That Gap

When Child Protective Services (CPS) separates children from their family – a massive trauma is created in these children. Some people will say – “some parents are too harmful for their child to stay with them”. Understandably, those parents end up on the news. Those stories stick with you and legitimize the actions of CPS because these people are some sort of monsters.

Those people don’t realize that there’s a huge gap between “under-resourced parent” and “monster”, when we’re having conversations about family preservation.

Of course, we should always keep kids away from the “monsters” aka truly dangerous caregivers. But we also need to invest resources differently from how we’re currently doing it for all the rest of the cases where the parents need support to be the parents their children need.

The outcomes of foster care are FAR too dismal to justify the continued usage of the program the way it’s being done now. If removing kids from homes was such a positive thing, then a majority of them would be thriving members of the community, instead of having the high rates of harm they experience.

Please realize that those truly dangerous parents are only a fraction of the families who get torn apart by CPS.

One person shares – “My husband put it in perfect perspective for me a few years ago when he first saw a picture of me at about 18 months old (he already kinda knew the story). Flat out said “oh yeah! Blonde hair, blue eyes, mom didn’t have much of anything, dad wasn’t in the picture. You were prime real estate to be taken and sold”. blogger’s note – Exactly, my own mother’s pre-adoption story.

Picture of my mom at 6 months of age before she was adopted. Her mother was exploited by Georgia Tann for exactly the reasons that woman’s husband identified – “Blonde hair, blue eyes, mom didn’t have much of anything, dad wasn’t in the picture.” – though they were married, I will never know why he left her at 4 months pregnant and didn’t return after she gave birth to my mom and returned to Memphis from Virginia (where she was sent after he left her, to give birth out of the view of the family’s local neighbors).

Flying To Meet Mom

I remember my adoptee mom who desperately yearned to have contact with her birth mom said something similar – that she wanted her mom, as a mom herself, to know that she was okay. Unfortunately, my adoptee mom never had the opportunity.

Today’s happy story – I was adopted at birth in a closed domestic adoption. I am flying across the country, with my family (husband and 2 kids) to finally meet my genetic, biological mom, who I found 5 years ago through DNA! We have had a great relationship via FaceTime, pretty regularly.

I have also been very low contact (I send photos a handful of times a year via text) with my adoptive mother for 4 years. I love my adoptive mother, but also have chosen my peace over anything else…

Do I message her a heads up? I am sure I will post photos over the weeklong visit. I don’t feel I “owe” it to her, but also have no desire to hurt her. I’m thinking possibly the following – “Just wanted to let you know we are going to meet ***** next week. Love you very much.”

One adoptee suggested – if it were me, I would tell your adoptive mother AFTER you’ve met your biological family but before you post pictures. That way, you get to fully enjoy your visit, without any fallout from your adoptive mother and you are still being mindful of her feelings by letting her know before pictures are shared, just so she’s not blindsided.

When Adoption Is Justified

Not the actual note mentioned in today’s story.

From an adoptive parent – My son was surrendered to a hospital. Physically walked inside and handed over, with a pretty lengthy note. The note was taken by the investigative social worker that night and put in his “file”. It is assumed that the biological mother called the safe haven hotline asking for nearest box, but it was hours away, so they coordinated with the closest hospital for her to take him. As a licensed foster parent, I received a call for him that night (late) and met him next day.

Upon learning of this note, I asked to be given it for his sake. Besides the clothes he was wrapped in, when he was brought in, that’s the only biological tie he has left. The hospital thankfully sent the clothes home with me, which I still have. I was told “No” and that “wasn’t my place” every time I asked for the note because I was “just” the foster parent. (Basically his case was open for a year before adoption, so I was “just” the foster parent the entirety of that.) The case went through multiple worker’s hands and I tried each and every worker, only to be told the same thing. There are some details I won’t go into, but they did look for the biological parents to try and charge them. They even went so far as to review video footage from the hospital – to which the hospital told social workers no, and police got involved. He was born outside of a hospital, then brought in, so there is no way to know who biological parents are, unless they want to come forward one day.

After adoption, I asked for the note, which by then was in a sealed record. I was advised to do records request and do this and that and blah blah blah. Even though I did everything they told me to, nothing ever worked. Try this department next. This went on for a year. I called the ombudsman’s office and they were zero help. Eventually I got an attorney involved and just like magic, I got a COPY of the note in my email. I was thankful for that, but I continued to push for the original. My perspective is that it is my son’s right to have this. I was told the original had been destroyed. Don’t even get me started.

Based off of the note, I do assume the biological mother really DID want to remain anonymous. I have spoke with the safe haven organization and asked if they ever heard anything since that night to which they have not. I told them to please let me know if they ever do because I personally know of another safe haven family that was able to connect with biological mother and they have an open adoption. Biological mothers can call into safe haven organization and receive counseling, as well as let them know if they are seeking an open adoption or even just contact in general. Organization was able to connect adoptive mother and biological mother. It has to be wanted on both sides, or they won’t connect them. I wanted them to know I was open to that, if anything were to ever come in the future.

Crazy and Too Old ?

A personal story in The Huffington Post got my attention this morning – LINK>I Never Wanted Children. Then I Got Pregnant With Twins At 53 by Anne Bockman Hansen. The link mentions “advanced maternal age”. I’m totally familiar with that !! I conceived my oldest son at 47 and my youngest son at 50. When we told my dad we were going to try and conceive the older one, he said “I question your sanity.” And I do understand but really we have been fine being older parents. Occasionally, it has been suggested I am my sons “grandmother”. I also have a grown daughter and 2 grandchildren, so I can easily and honestly say, “I understand why you would think that because I AM a grandmother.”

We knew we didn’t want multiples and so, because we had to use assisted reproduction, it was always a possibility. We relied on the experts’ advice on how many embryos to transfer with a good potential for success, without trending into a greater likelihood for twins, and it gave us the single births we preferred. Many of the mothers who cycled along with me at the same time did have twins and even one had triplets – they were all happy with their results and somehow managed the challenges. Glad it was NOT my own challenge. Having a baby and then toddler in one’s life is challenging enough for me !!

Anne Hansen shares – “Still, the thought of having children did not interest me until I was 52 and had taken time away from my job to re-evaluate what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. When I finally knew that I wanted to do it, the realization hit me with incredible force. I felt certain that I wanted to raise kids — and raise them the way I wished I had been raised. I wanted to bring them up with unconditional love, compassion, a love for learning, a sense of adventure and amazement at the miraculous small things in life.” blogger’s note – Sounds like what happened with my husband after we had been married 10 years.

And even before I had learned all of the issues I share in this blog, I also knew that, as the author says – “. . . I wanted to carry them. I never considered surrogacy or adoption.” and that “I was not ovulating,” plus she shares yet another complication – her 58-year-old husband had a vasectomy in his 30s. blogger’s note – in our case, my husband was able to provide his own sperm and I love seeing how some of his traits have turned up in our sons and that he can be a genetic mirror for them.

Yet, when they saw a reproductive endocrinologist, he told them that sperm could still be retrieved from her husband. Like what happened to me when my husband decided he wanted to have children after all (he had been grateful, I had already done that in my own life, no pressure on him), she was told that she could still get pregnant using an egg donor. For me as well, that was a major breakthrough.

And she mentions the “age related” comments, which I have heard as well. She says – “A member of my church said, ‘A lot of people will think you are selfish for bringing children into this world at your age’.” My perspective is – no one knows how long their parents will continue to be alive while they are maturing – I know many examples where parents died young. Though I remember clearly one day, while checking out groceries, realizing that when my youngest turned 20, I would be 70 – oh my. That day arrived this year.

The same as what the author shares, “My pregnancy was a breeze. I felt the best I had ever felt.” I loved being pregnant. And yes from me too – “the babies were precious and I felt so blessed to have them. The love I had for them was beyond measure.” Ours also changed our lives in so many beautiful ways. Our lives became immensely richer. We have never regretted our decision to become parents, even at our “advanced” ages.

Of course, she had the same experiences that I have had. She shares, “Invariably, everywhere we went, people would think I was their grandmother. Sometimes I corrected them and they were embarrassed and surprised, but many times I just let it go. It didn’t bother me and, incredibly, it didn’t bother the kids. It still doesn’t.”

She follows up at the end with this thought – “I’m now 67 years old with a 73-year-old husband. Despite the difficult and amazing journey we’ve been on — and despite my worries that we could be gone before the twins reach adulthood — I would not have done anything differently. Parents at any age can and do get sick and leave their kids parentless, but not many parents have the free time to devote to their children as we have had and do.”

The Fam-A-Bam on Labels

Today’s story (not my own) – Topic: labels

I am the maternal aunt of my niece whom we adopted 9 months ago. (There has been a Termination of Parental Rights for both parents.) She is now 8 and first came to stay with us at 4. So we have always had that familial label of her calling me her aunt and me calling her my niece.

Since adoption (and a bit before) she has been switching her labels describing us. It’s aunt or uncle, my parents, my mommy and daddy. Which is 1000% fine. We told her she can call us whatever she likes, whenever she likes. We all know who we are, we’re the fam-a-bam no matter how you call it. And she’s totally happy and we are totally happy to roll with her daily.

I think I’m tripping over myself, over how she defines us to others, when I’m not with her. She’s always been my niece longer than she’s been adopted by me. So, of course that’s what I automatically say. But I feel like because of the adoption I SHOULD be calling her my daughter ? That makes it feel like a society rule that meets actual legal reality. But that doesn’t feel exactly right, because she’s my niece, ya know? And I’m sorry if that sounds off, that’s the best way I can describe it in my head.

I guess I’m wondering, if it’s okay for her to switch off like she does (which she doesn’t currently mind) or if it would be better for her stability to have a set label coming from the adults ? She’s been through so much in her life already, I don’t want to be adding more pressure or anxiety by doing something “wrong”, that could maybe be so grounding as a consistent family label. I know she’s proud of us and I don’t ever want her to feel like I’m (we’re) not proud of her.

Some thoughts from an adoptive parent – my friend raised her grandchild. She had raised her since the age of 1 (guardianship) calling her “Mom”. Her granddaughter always knew she was a grandchild but neither wanted to keep explaining to everyone what had happened to her parents. She is now 16 and still calls her grandmother “Mom”. Her other grandchildren call her by a grandma nickname. That is fine because she can be a grandma to them but the relationships are not the same as with the child she cares for, in a mom role. My niece, who came into care at 9 and was adopted at 12, has always called my sister Molly and my brother-in-law, Ted. Mine was adopted at 9 months and has always called me “Mom” but knowing what I know now, I wish she had called me Gretchen. She reunified at 16 and has no idea what to call anybody. We are working on this with her therapist. Your niece knows her story and society is nosy. Kids just want to fit in. My mom was “Boofa” but on Grandparent’s Day, another young niece introduced her to all her friends as “Grandma” because she thought the other kids would laugh. Let her lead.

blogger’s note – I went through a period of relationship confusion myself. Both of my parents were adopted and those who I knew as my grandparents were actually my parents’ adoptive parents. So after my parents died, I had the good fortune to actually discover the identities of all 4 of my genetic grandparents (though ALL of them were deceased by then, it did open the door to a genetic aunt and some cousins). For awhile, that threw me into emotional confusion. By then, I was already into my 60s and I eventually worked through my emotional discomfort. My son has said to me that I have a very complicated family. Truth.

It’s The Industry That Brainwashes

From an adoptee – Let me be clear about my position on adoption. As someone who was taken from his homeland, I have accepted a truth that what happened to me was not adoption. I now work to recover from the brainwashing and propaganda of an industry that originated from human trafficking and child slavery. Such crimes that have found a way to hide behind a more comfortable euphemism: adoption.

At this point, do I get upset when I come across someone who is still brainwashed? Absolutely! It takes me a few minutes to remember I was there once not too long ago. It’s the industry and those who have perverted the term Adoption, and have made the billions off human lives, our lives.

Those who have been brainwashed by the propaganda can not be blamed. I was caught up in the cover-up scheme as well. (blogger’s note – as I was myself, the child of two adoptees.) It is a process of deprogramming ourselves, not from the fantasies or illusions, but from outright coercion and deception. What we refer to as the narratives are in fact the messages produced by the industry’s propaganda machine.

I am fighting in this war against the adoption industry, not against adoption itself. I am saddened that so many continue to be brainwashed, ignorant and stuck in their fantasies, or willfully holding onto their denial. At times it’s overwhelming and hopeless, triggering and depressing, but truth will prevail and I am inspired by the growing number of others who are also fighting against this criminal scheme.

We were once held prisoner by our own fear, but now we are finding strength and courage in community resilience. We are learning how to unite and fight together. Where we are hundreds today, there will be millions in the future.