Author: debyemm

Often They DO Have A Family

The Davis Family with Ugandan Adoptee

I was previously aware of this issue – adoptees from outside of the US actually having a family before the adoptive family. Saw a story today that was on CNN by Jessica Davis titled LINK>The ‘orphan’ I adopted from Uganda already had a family.

Jessica writes – I’ve always hoped to make a difference in this world. To bring goodness, peace or healing to a world that often seems inundated with loss, hardship and a vast array of obstacles that make life difficult for so many. When it came to the decision to adopt, it seemed like a no-brainer. I thought this was one way to make a difference, at least for one child. My husband, Adam, and I would open our home and our hearts to a child in need.

Adam and I thoroughly researched at each step of the process in the hopes of ensuring a proper and ethical adoption. You see, we were already parents to four biological children, so this was not about “having another child” or simply “growing our family.” For us, adopting was about sharing our abundance – our family, love and home with a child who lacked these basic necessities.

She writes – I remember reading that there are almost 3 million orphans in Uganda, and with that statistic in mind (and a bit more research), in October of 2013 we began the journey to adopt from there. We did piles of paperwork, got countless sets of fingerprints and spent tens of thousands of dollars. It took a little over a year to get through all the formalities, but I was driven to get to the best part of this process, meeting the needs of a child.

In 2015, we welcomed a beautiful, strong and brave 6-year-old girl named Namata into our home. It took a little over a year and a half to realize the things “our” child was telling us were not adding up to the stories told within the paperwork and provided to us by our adoption agency, European Adoption Consultants, Inc. In fact, later on, the US State Department debarred the agency for three years, meaning it could no longer place children in homes. The State Department said it found “evidence of a pattern of serious, willful or grossly negligent failure to comply with the standards and of aggravating circumstances indicating that continued accreditation of EAC would not be in the best interests of the children and families concerned.”

When she began listening with openness, instead of being clouded by her own privilege and experiences, she realized what her adopted daughter was so desperately trying to get her to understand. The child we had struggled for years to adopt was not an orphan at all, and almost everything that was written in her paperwork and told to us about her background was not an accurate description of her life in Uganda.

Jessica continues – we eventually uncovered that she had a very loving family from which she had been unlawfully taken, in order (we believe and are convinced) to provide an “orphan” to fulfill our application to adopt. Namata’s mother was told only that Adam and I were going to care for her child, while we provided her with an education, which is a central pathway to empowerment and opportunity in Uganda. She never knowingly relinquished her rights as Namata’s mother, but once there was a verbal confirmation that we would adopt Namata, those on the ground in Uganda forged paperwork and placed Mata in an orphanage.

The truth is that there are villages in Uganda and across the world where mothers, fathers, siblings and grandparents are desperate to be reunited with the children who were unlawfully separated from them through international adoption. It has been heartbreaking for me to realize that so beautiful and pure an act can be tainted with such evil. But as with so many beautiful things in this world, corruption and greed are a reality – one we can’t simply ignore.

Jessica notes – Throughout the journey to reunite Namata with her family, I have been met with so much resistance, saturated in entitlement and privilege. More than once I have been asked, why don’t you just “keep her”? These are words I use when describing something I purchased at the grocery store! I never owned Namata; she is a human being who deserves better than that type of narrow-minded and selfish thinking. I was told that it was my Christian duty to keep her and “raise her in the proper faith.”

Jessica affirms – My race, country of origin, wealth (though small, it’s greater than that of the vast majority of people in the world), my access to “things,” my religion – none of these privileges entitles me to the children of the poor, voiceless and underprivileged. If anything, I believe these privileges should come with a responsibility to do more, to stand up against such injustices. We can’t let other families be ripped apart to grow our own families!

She shares – I have seen the beauty of a family restored and there is nothing quite like it. Adam and Namata took the long journey to her remote village in Uganda together, while I remained at our home with the biological children. We could not afford for both of us to go, and my husband was concerned for my safety after the corruption I had exposed. He was also just as concerned for Namata’s safety and wanted to be at her side until the moment she was home in the protection of her mother’s arms. So I reluctantly said my goodbyes to her here in America. In September of 2016, Namata’s mother embraced her child with joy and laughter abounding and they have not spent a day apart since. Namata has flourished since being home and I am thankful for that.

Her perspective changed, she adds – What if we decided to do everything in our power to make sure those children could live their lives with the families God intended for them in the first place ? I’m not talking about children taken by necessity from abusive or neglectful homes, but those whose loving families were wrongly persuaded to give them up. Families who thought the decision was out of their control because of illness, poverty, lack of access to education, intimidation, coercion or a false idea about what the “American dream” means for their child.

I have also seen a new wave of opened eyes among parents who adopt children – parents who understand the losses their adopted children have suffered, who listen to them, who rise to the huge obligations and high standards that adoption requires. Only through listening and acknowledging hard truths can adoption lead to an ethical and positive outcome. It may mean a lifetime of making sure a child holds on to his or her cultural or racial identity, or keeping alive his or her ties to their birth family, no matter how hard that may be.

Men Caring For Their Children

The Guardian had an article that caught my attention – LINK>Men are spending more time looking after their children – and it’s not just cultural, it’s in their genes by Jonathan Kennedy. (blogger’s note – I have only excerpted, you can read the entire interesting article at the link.) A great deal has changed in the past 50 years. In the 1970s, a young father would go straight from the labor ward to the pub to wet the baby’s head and be back in the office first thing the next morning.

Now fathers tend to be much more involved in looking after infants than previous generations. Women still have primary responsibility for looking after infants in most heterosexual relationships. The average dad in the 70s did just 22 minutes of childcare a day. Today, the figure is up to 71 minutes. For moms it is still much higher at 162 minutes. Fewer than a third of eligible fathers take the two weeks of paternity leave they are entitled to. Underpinning these disparities is the deeply entrenched belief that it is natural for men to go out to work and women to look after the children. The latest scientific research, however, demonstrates that we must rethink this assumption.

According to a certain understanding of evolution, the most selfish, competitive and even violent males are more likely to survive long enough to pass on their genes to the next generation. Over millions of years, less belligerent, more caring males have been eliminated by natural selection. From a biological perspective, it seems that human women are uniquely suited to looking after babies. They gestate, give birth, and breastfeed; and these processes cause hormonal changes that enhance mothers’ ability to care for their offspring. Oxytocin stimulates contractions during labour and the let-down reflex in breastfeeding, and the “love hormone” also helps mums bond with their babies. Prolactin – the “mothering hormone” – enhances empathy and nurturing instincts in addition to milk production.

However, research shows that men can be remarkably caring parents. (blogger’s note – I have definitely seen this up close with both of the fathers of my children.) In the mid-20th century, Margaret Mead concluded that “motherhood is a biological necessity, but fatherhood is a social invention”. And Sarah Blaffer Hrdy has written that “although there are obvious biological differences between men and women, we have almost the same genes and very similar brains. Consequently, men’s bodies retain the potential to do things typically associated with women, and vice versa.”

Interesting is a man’s hormonal response to fatherhood. When dads have prolonged periods of intimacy with babies, their bodies react in similar ways to new mums. Prolactin and oxytocin levels rapidly rise. Levels of testosterone – the male sex hormone – fall.

Human fatherhood is not this full-on, but when culture, choice or happenstance gives men caring responsibilities for infants, it triggers a similar endocrine response to mothers. Oxytocin and prolactin course through the brain, enhancing the father’s emotional wellbeing and social connections. For many fathers spending time with their baby, sharing the burden with their partner, or doing their bit to bring down the patriarchy is enough of a reward. But now we know there is another benefit: access to a part of the human experience that until recently was assumed to be closed to men.

For too long, simplistic interpretations of biology have been used to argue that traditional gender roles, in which women take on primary responsibility for childcare, are natural and immutable. We now know that biology can, in fact, free women and men from these binary straitjackets.

Seeking To Do Better

An adoptee with a challenging start in life but having done a lot of work to heal herself writes today – My mother was adopted at birth, and raised by a mom with substance abuse and alcohol use disorder. She suffered the same, and then I was adopted at age 8 and grew up in poverty before adoption and my adoptive parents used to tell me I should not have kids. Then because of all that I struggled with substance abuse disorder alcohol use etc, and human trafficking.

Now, I have been drug-free since 2015 and alcohol-free since 2019, went to college and graduated in behavioral science. I am in a very stable environment, have done a lot of healing, and am about to get married. We are family planning responsibly. We are both employed, college educated, etc, basically, everything I didn’t have growing up…. but my marriage also propelled me into a financial class I did not grow up in. Money does not buy parenting skills.

I just started therapy as well to get ahead of the game, but I am worried I will be a bad parent because of how I grew up. All those parenting classes and nurse family programs I see are only for low-income families. I think there is an assumption in the “parenting class” industry that only low-income people need to learn about how to be good parents. She asks – Is there some type of support group for parents with familial trauma, or anything like that ? just to have people to check in with ?

One adoptee shared encouragement – I think the fact that you’re concerned you’ll be a bad parent and have identified reasons why puts you ahead of the game. Awareness is huge. I’m a parent. I was emotionally mistreated by my mom. A lot of my parenting ability comes from treating my child in a way that I needed to be treated at that age, while also recognizing that my child isn’t me. Understanding that behavior is a form of communication is important too. Kids don’t need much. They need love and support. They need to be heard without judgement. They need structure and boundaries and clear expectations. They’re humans in small bodies and can understand much more than most people give credit for. It’s the easiest/hardest job. You got this!

As a resource, one suggests this – look into the LINK>Safe and Sound Protocol (SSP) – Parent Info Forum. Its a music protocol that helps with emotional regulation as well as CPTSD and Dissociation. Life changing for my parenting game and in general, I was adopted from foster care at 12 with a history of complex trauma. I have 5 kids now !

An adoptive parent notes – Advice columnist LINK>Carolyn Hax in the Washington Post often recommends parenting classes in her live chats, and her column is read by people at all income levels. There are definitely some very wealthy terrible parents out there. It sounds like you have worked really hard to get to a good place. That says a lot about you. If you want to have kids, then do the classes and workshops (some may be available online), read parenting books, maybe read about trauma (if you haven’t already). In fact, a lot of books about parenting children from tough places actually help the reader/parent too. If you decide at some point that you don’t want to be a parent, that is a perfectly valid decision. But you are doing the work to heal yourself and if you have kids, I’m sure you’ll be a great parent.

Here is a list of some of the books she has read that helped her as a parent and human being. [1] Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors-Robyn Gobbel, [2] What Happened to You-Oprah Winfrey and Bruce D. Perry, [3] The Connected Child – Karyn B. Purvis, David R Cross, [4] The Explosive Child – Dr. Ross W. Greene, [5] Help for Billy-Heather T. Forbes and [6] The Body Keeps the Score – Bessel A. van der Kolk (blogger’s note – in fact, he is featured in the most recent issue of Time Magazine – LINK>Why People Still Misunderstand Trauma.)

A kinship adoptive parent offered more encouragement – Bad parenting is not a class/wealth problem. Everything I’ve learned about discipline boils down to “do the opposite of what my parents did,” and lots of people looked to them for advice because everyone who didn’t live with them thought very highly of them. If you want to have kids, don’t limit yourself by your adoptive parents’ issues. You can get therapy, take parenting classes, etc. and be a super awesome parent.

Another noted – You are aware and will stop the generational trauma. You will do great.

An adoptee who became an adoptive parent writes – I did LINK>Circle of Security. It was great and it’s been very helpful to help me understand how my trauma (not from adoption) plays into and against my child’s.

One adoptee explains their reasoning regarding choosing not to become a parent – Many reasons, of course, but a big one was my lack of family support that others could count on. I was adopted shortly after birth but my adoptive family was garbage and my adoptive parents were both dead by the time I was 30, after which the extended family ghosted me. I would have had no trusted people to help me care for my child. So I definitely get it. I hope you’re able to find the kind of help you’re seeking and, yeah, parenting classes focusing on family trauma/loss would benefit a whole lot of of people.

An adoptive parent added a couple of additional resources…LINK>The Connected Parent by Karyn Purvis and Lisa Qualls. And on Instagram, Gottman institute has links to resources/classes they offer. And also on Instagram, Raising Yourself. (blogger’s note – I don’t “do” Instagram, so you are on your own there.)

One person added – I would strongly consider LINK>Mommy and Me or other similar parenting support groups. Classes are great and all, but you can learn a lot from being with other parents. When watching others, you can generally get a feeling for what’s right and what’s not (making excuses for your child when they hit someone is not ok, and neither is hitting the child) and what is better (listening to the child’s feelings and validating how big it is even if you don’t necessarily give in is pro parenting). Watching others can tell you a lot about what to do and a lot about what not to do, plus you’ll get other adult/parent interaction out of the deal…which is kind of hard to get as a new parent.

One person sums up “the ultimate goal” is to remember to be a basically genuine presence with your child (that exact person), switching to their perspective when necessary, and to have love, respect and protection always at the forefront, no matter what parenting style you choose or the specific parent/child relationship you have.

Can’t Stop The Connection

An adoptive parent shares that one year, for Christmas, they did DNA through Ancestry.com to “see how unique” their family is. Hard to believe that it never occurred the them that their adopted son would use the online tool to find his genetic family.

That was a year and a half ago, when he was barely 16 years old. When they learned about it, they asked him to discontinue contact with his birth parents and to wait until he was 18. They indicated that, at that point, they would be fully supportive of him.

However, he didn’t stop talking to his birth father through texts and has shared some personal information that they were not aware of regarding his marijuana use, which is legal in their state after the age of 21. He indicated it helped him with his mental health issues.

The adoptive parents texted the birth parents asking them to stop contacting their son until he turned 18. Their perspective is that the kinds of people who place their children for adoption are not in good circumstances (whatever they think that means). They believed that what they were doing was protecting their son from whatever they believe about the birth parents.

However, that did not stop the adopted son’s birth father from being in contact with him. This makes them feel disrespected by both their 17-1/2 year old son and his birth father. They are turning to a family counselor for assistance.

A thought . . . from an adoptee – he will resent his adoptive parents for keeping his birth parents from him. My adoptive parents also declined my mom reaching out to me before I was 18 and I can only imagine how my life would have been so different knowing her and my sisters most of my life.

Someone else notices the dis-connect – They deliberately gifted their adopted child a DNA test and access to Ancestry.com and they’re completely blindsided by the fact that he found biological relatives during this process??? I’m utterly boggled.

Trying To Avoid Negativity

Today’s story from an adoptive parent – our five year old boy was adopted in infancy. We have a great relationship with his biological mom and his siblings (who were adopted out of foster care by a different family). I’m specifically seeking advice on how to talk to him about his dad. Both parents have been involved with the criminal (in)justice system, and suffer from substance use disorder. I am absolutely not of the opinion that those things make them unsafe or unfit for their children to be around them, that’s why we have such a close relationship with his mom. However, we’ve never met dad. His history is filled with lots of violent and erratic behavior, and for context purposes I’ll say it’s been as severe as attempted murder. Mom has had to go into hiding because of his threats and physical abuse.

My biggest conflict here is that I never want to paint his parents in a bad light, especially given my own position as his adoptive parent. I want to talk about his dad in the most honest but respectful way possible, but the reality is that it he may never meet him and I don’t actually have any positive stories to share. His mom doesn’t bring him up much, but I don’t think treating it as if the dad doesn’t exist is the right answer on my part. I would love advice from adoptees and FFY on ways that I can talk about his dad without overstepping my own role and inserting any personal feelings into my language. Basically, how to best navigate being honest and open without being negative.

An adoptee who’s biological father also had substance use issues suggests – I think you just tell the truth without using scary graphic images, staying age-appropriate. And connect with Dad’s extended family as much as possible.

Another person answering from the position of a parent of young kids, suggests – I relate this to the common parenting advice you see today about teaching kids about “tricky people.” In your shoes I would talk about how even people who love us can be tricky people, and elaborate from there in age appropriate ways.

Doing It Right

Today’s story is how someone is doing an open adoption the right way.

My daughter is 5 she knows she was born from mama c’s tummy, and knows that is why she looks different from most of her family. We also have an open adoption that has become much more open over the past year, in the beginning mama c only wanted a few letters and photos no other contact. Once mama c was ready for more we jumped at the relationship. We visit with mama c and bio siblings every couple months (we live 6 hours apart) and text several times a week and even took a vacation with them earlier in the summer.

Even so, an issue has popped up that the mother is seeking advice to handle it as best as she can. The closest in age sibling is just a couple years older and mama c has not wanted to tell the girls that they are sisters. They know how my daughter was born etc but we have not used the term sisters. We just say we are family. Mama c has asked if I know of any books etc to share with here daughter to help make the conversation easier. I am looking for suggestions to help facilitate this conversation because I think the older one for sure knows but does not want to ask the hard questions and my girl is asking questions that I am having to bend the truth in answering, to stay in line with what mama c is comfortable with. Next visit will be Labor Day (we have visited the past 3 days with them) and we are hoping to have that conversation then, if not before. I am trying to follow mama c’a lead here but since she asked about books and for advice during this last visit, I am trying to help, so that we can all get everything out in the open.

One commenter wrote – All these girls need adoption competent therapy! And their mom too. As far as books go, I haven’t found anything good. Most of the adoption books out there are gross because they’re heavily biased towards adoptive parents. One book I love is called LINK>The Rabbit Listened by Cori Doerrfeld. It’s not about adoption or anything specific; it’s about a child who is upset and how they just need to be listened to. You can find that read aloud at the YouTube link above.

One adoptive mother shares her experience – My family is two adopted sons age 13 and 10, then two biological daughters age almost 5 and 2. The natural mother has been a part of almost every vacation and has come to our house several times to spend a week. The almost 5 year old has understood the dynamics of “(natural mother’s name) is my brother’s mama. But not my mama.” I share this to say – this is totally within the range of a 5 year old’s ability to understand.

Another recommends this book, LINK>Sam’s Sister by Juliet C. Bond Lcsw, even though she hasn’t personally read it. I went looking. Here is a summary – Five year-old Rosa suspects that something is wrong with her mama. What she discovers brings immense joy and sadness to her tiny family. Mama is pregnant, but she cannot keep the baby. Instead, she’s arranging an open adoption.

Another shares – I haven’t read this as it doesn’t apply to our situation but LINK>Holly Marlow has written a book that helps children understand that some siblings live at home while another/others may live with family/foster/adopted. It’s only been released in the last couple of weeks. However, a mother of loss disagreed with this recommendation, writing – she seems to be an adoptive parent and, as a natural mother, I’m getting the ick from some of the things I’m seeing she’s written. I really wish adoptive parents would stop writing books, just my personal opinion, we’ve heard enough from them sharing our stuff and profiting off the biological families stories and the children they bought.

Another mother of loss who’s son is in a closed adoption writes –  do not have a book to recommend, but I am a first mom who has since had children that I parent. My first child was 11 when the first child I parent was born. Unfortunately the adoption was closed but the entirety of the lives of my children I do parent I tell them about my first son. Every month I write a letter and send it. The children I parent are 2 and <1 year. I have my 2 year old tell me things he wants to tell his big brother. He knows he has a big brother that lives far away with different adults. He regularly looks at photos of his brother, and the rest of our family in family photo albums.

An yet another mother of loss writes – Children should always know their truth. Shame on anyone who keeps it from them. My children always knew they had a sibling who was gone from the family. Because they always knew, there was no need for any conversation or “age appropriate” anything. My daughter on the other hand was never told. It’s bullshit.

An adoptee shares – She just needs to speak it. Kids understand all kinds of things. Therapy would be so beneficial. I knew from before my understanding that I had half siblings, even had a picture of one of them and my adoption was locked down closed (adopted from foster care as a toddler). It’s odd to me that the child’s mother will come for visits and just won’t share the simple, basic truth that they are sisters.

When It Is Too Little Too Late

An adoptee wrote – For the first time today, at the age of 34, I was able to connect with my first biological relative. Unfortunately, she shared with me that my biological mother passed away a few years ago… To say I am devastated is an understatement. I don’t even know how to feel, I am grieving so many things that I can’t even put my finger one. I will never be able to talk to her. I will never get to ask her why she made the decisions she did… I am sad for reason I can’t even understand.

Blogger’s note – In the 1990s, my adoptee mother appealed to the state of Tennessee to release her adoption file to her. She was denied and still fought back but to no effect. All the state did tell her was that her mother had died some time ago and that the status of her father (who was much older than her mother) was unknown. They told her that he had two daughters who were “not” related to her ? though they had the same father. It’s a pity because the youngest sister was still alive until 2017 and had always hoped my mom (who she knew about) would turn up, so they could chat. My mom felt much the same as the woman who’s story I share today.

Another adoptee noted – Adoption means loss, loss, and more loss. It’s completely understandable (at least to those of us who were adopted) why you are grieving. You won’t be able to meet your mother this side of heaven. There is nothing much worse than that.

Yet another confirms – Your feelings are totally valid. I had met my biological mom once before she passed but we never had any real conversation or connection and her loss hit me hard because I knew that opportunity was gone.

An adoptee notes – That is so sad. I am so sorry. Everyone wants to know “their story” …. how they came to be and why they were adopted.

Another note from your blogger – I do have my mom’s adoption file now and it is heartbreaking because she would have learned so much, if it had been given to her when she asked for it. Her mother was a victim of Georgia Tann and was exploited in the midst of a 1930s devastating flood on the Mississippi River and so, as she was separated from her husband, who she was legally married to. He was in Arkansas helping with the flood efforts through his employment with the WPA, when my grandmother arrived in Memphis with my infant mom. My grandmother fought to keep my mom but Tann was too well connected to stop it.

Recommended – Robyn Gobbel

She was recommended today to someone who needed help with a 6 year old who goes into a really dark depression for about two weeks after contact with their genetic parents. An adopted person notes – you can’t stop the feeling after visits (this adult adoptee admits – I STILL feel it after every visit), however you can be taught how to best help her. And then, recommended – someone like LINK>Robyn Gobbel.

Robyn Gobbel has experience as a therapist for almost 20 years, specializing in complex trauma, attachment, and adoption. So, what is it like ? – to find someone – maybe a therapist, maybe someone else – who is willing to get lost with you. And to wait for you. Wait. With certainty.

Robyn is a mental health expert and parenting coach. She reveals how all behavior, no matter how baffling, can be explained and remedied. You just need to look past the behavior and understand what’s going on inside. Robyn decodes the latest brain science into easy-to-understand principles and metaphors which will help you to become an expert in your child’s behavior. She reveals simple ways to help you regulate and connect with your child, with brain, body and sensory-based strategies to overcome day-to-day challenges.

Robyn also provides you with the knowledge to understand and regulate your own brain – so that you don’t flip your lid when your child flips theirs.

Let this be your lifeline for parenting or caring for any child with baffling behaviors and hidden challenges, including kids who have experienced adversity, or with additional needs.

Barely Surviving

Heartbreaking. From the National Institutes of Health – The odds of a reported suicide attempt were ∼4 times greater in adoptees compared with non-adoptees.

An adoptive mother writes – My daughter intentionally overdosed last Friday. This is her 3rd attempt which started at age 12. I have zero ideas what to do. She was adopted with her sisters 8 years ago, after being in foster care 2 years starting at age 5. She has had experiences that have caused pretty significant trauma beyond with the actual removal. We have tried to keep family ties as open as possible but she wants zero to do with her natural mom, at the moment. How do we help support her ? What can actually help? I love this girl with all my heart and I don’t know how to make things easier for her.

The obvious question, with an important suggestion, when it comes to any adoptee – Is she in therapy with a therapist who is adoption trauma informed (and NOT an adoptive parent, ideally an adoptee) ? If she’s not in therapy, she needs to be TODAY !

To emphasize the point, one adoptee shares – I am 52 years old but was forcibly taken, at under a year old by my maternal grandmother and put into adoption against the wishes of my parents. Mom was a minor. Dad sued my grandmother but she and the adoptive parents had more money. After 4 years of fighting for custody, my Dad lost. At that point, I was adopted and my name changed when I was already 4 years old. I started self harming behavior by age 12. I have done therapy. I had my DNA analyzed and now have a relationship with my genetic Dad and my mother’s sister (sadly, my Mom had died, before I found her, which hurts). I now have siblings. I was raised an only kid. Which sucked. Reuniting helps but even so, it brings up so much more pain. I’d advise you to find a therapist that works with adopted child’s trauma. “Adoption is Violence”. This is a said by many adopted kids in safe adoption groups. My adopted Mom was great but it doesn’t fix the PTSD trauma of being taken from your birth family and losing your DNA. In elementary school, they have you do a family tree report on your ancestors. You can’t. When you go to a doctor, they need a family medical history but you have none.

Another adoptee can relate – it’s all horrible. They steal us, then expect us to be a blank slate for them. I’ve never heard adoption is violence but I always say adoption is trauma. If you’re adopted, you have some sort of trauma – even if an adoptee thinks their adoption was good, deep down there’s trauma. My adopters had a biological daughter who was 8 years older than me and she was horrific to me – tortured me. My adoptive parents were very abusive and neglectful.

Emphasized – No matter how good your adopted parents/guardians are, most adoptees feel abandoned, unwanted, thrown away, more worth less than kids whose family kept them. A kid raised by their grandmother or aunt at least still has a DNA connection and family history. Without that, you feel afloat with out a paddle. Being taken from a birth parent is traumatic. Especially so for an infant or small child who will have PTSD even before they can verbalize their feelings.

Finally, some actual suggestions –  a youth group of other adoptees would be wonderful. She likely feels very alone in these emotions and it can be very isolating. She could also be very over stimulated in addition to navigating her current emotions. Does she enjoy outside activities like hiking or is there an animal sanctuary she can go to decompress? Therapy is great, but also it’s nice to have a safe place to feel the feelings without feeling anybody else’s. Horse therapy is a great option as well. She can learn to ride and care for the horses. She may find that horses provide emotional support and understanding that people don’t. She needs to have an outlet to dig deep into herself. I would inquire with her previous social worker about about other resources and groups too. I always found it comforting to be around other kids who were going through similar experiences because it can be very triggering to see traditional families not having to deal with the same type of emotional turmoil.

An adoptee with a similar background (adopted from foster care at age 12 w her 2 younger half sisters) suggested looking into the Safe and Sound music listening protocol for the girl’s emotional regulation and nervous system. She had found this helpful in her own struggle w PTSD and an Attachment Disorder. She said this was for her an amazing life changing resource. 

Another adoptee shared her own history and resources – As an adult, I have done the following in conjunction with regular talk therapy: inpatient at a psychiatric hospital, outpatient therapy at the same hospital, 18 week program as an outpatient for 4 hours a day, group therapy program for people with severe mental health issues, online zoom group for suicide attempt survivors. She suggested this adoptive mother ask her doctors, therapists, honestly anyone who will listen, for community resources.