Delicate Situation

Today’s – an adoptive mother of an 8 yr old boy who really wants to know his father and has fantasies about meeting him. She is in contact with his extended family and is now struggling with how to address his desire because it is said that the father is not a good person without really explaining why. So she has tried to explain to her son what they have been told by his siblings. She notes that he is an extremely generous and kind boy who has a hard time understanding that someone could be bad or dangerous and so still very badly wants to meet him.

It occurs to me that this might be somewhat a male thing. Both of my parents were adoptees. When I started out on my own roots discovery journey in 2017, I only really wanted to fulfill my mother’s desire to know about her own mother which she was thwarted from learning by closed and sealed adoption records. I had amazingly good success after my mom died, mostly because the state of Tennessee gave me her adoption file. Then, my nephews really wanted to know who my dad’s father was and encouraged me to pursue that. I am very glad that I did. Honestly, I have received many more blessings from pursuing that side of my genetic relatives than I had on my mom’s side, with the exception of one wonderful cousin, my mom’s step-sister’s daughter.

Now, back to today’s issue because delicate situations require sensitive or careful handling. The first advice I read, I believe was important. A mother of loss said – I’d rephrase your description of his father. Telling him his father “is not a good person” with no background about why he is not “good” is confusing to an 8 year old. I’d say something like, “at this time your father may not be in a healthy place for contact. I will work on getting more information for you and we can revisit your desire to know him.” His father may be horrible/unsafe/etc; but until you get accurate info, I would not label him as “no good”. Even a “no good” might be safe enough to have supervised contact in time. There are just too many unknowns…..

An adoptive parent agreed – I was going to say the same thing, editing that language may be helpful because “not a good person” is so vague and hard for a kid to understand what the problem is. At the age of 8, I think the kiddo needs as much age appropriate info as you can share. If you don’t know the reason the adult children have safety concerns, I think it’s okay to say that. “My job is to take care of you and keep you safe, and your siblings who have known your dad for a long time believe it may not be safe to spend time together right now.” Allowing him to write letters, draw pics etc for dad may be a good way to help the boy feel some connection until you have more information to make a decision about further contact.

Someone else shared their perspective – this would just make me resent everyone involved because my siblings got to know him at all and I didn’t and I desperately want to.

And then, there was this important point – I think that you’re forgetting that no matter what the father has done or not done, he’s still his father. As his father, he’s part of him. Saying that the father is bad means that HE is bad. Trust me, that’s the impact, regardless of your intent. Also, you are going off of information without knowing just what he’s done. That’s not fair to anyone. If he’s been a jerk to the NM and her family, that’s not a good enough reason. Unless you know for sure what’s going on, I say let him meet. Tell the genetic mother and extended family that you NEED to know what’s going on. Is he a gang member? A child molester? In prison? Living on the street? What exactly is being “bad”?? This doesn’t pass the smell test. It is unreasonable for them to say don’t contact without specifics. Your son deserves to know his father and father’s family. I say this as one who wasn’t crazy about my child’s father, but still knew that my child had rights.

Even so, one adoptee noted – this may be an unpopular opinion but if they say he isn’t safe and don’t let him have access to their children, I wouldn’t either.

Then, there was this personal experience – my father was allowed to adopt a child, and I remember being shocked (at 7) that we passed the home inspection because of how he was. (They didn’t talk to me. Classism is wild.) I say this to establish that I grew up with an unsafe parent. Your son needs more information than “he’s bad” (which will make him feel bad about himself too). Explain that his father made choices that make him not safe to be around, that his brother and sister don’t want their kids around him, for their safety, and that his brother and sister look sad and scared when they talk about him. Let him know It’s your responsibility to keep him safe. He will understand if you are careful and sufficiently specific.

One adoptee asked – why did it take so long for his genetic mother to tell you who he is ? She replied – His mom later told us she was scared that if we contacted him he would come for her. She also does not like to talk about him. She never has said anything negative, but it is things like this. Or she said she ran away from him when she got pregnant. When I ask for more details she stops talking and I have respected that so far. We know who he is, confirmed with a DNA test with my son’s brother, but we have no contact info for him and have respected that his brother and sister are “no contact” with him and that this was a condition for our having a relationship with them.

And this was an important perspective – from experience – I grew up very heavily categorizing people into “good” and “bad” labels. But it’s more nuanced than that. Even if his father is the vilest person you’ll ever know of… that’s not ALL there is to him. My mother wasn’t equipped to parent me. She made selfish, immature choices that resulted in us being separated by Child Protective Services. Those bad things are true. She’s admitted to them herself, in recent years. But she did other things before and after that which allow me to connect with her as a HUMAN. And that has been a crucial part of my process. When we hear that they’re bad, and that’s all we hear, it dehumanizes them… and by association, us.

From an adoptee – Without knowing what the father has done, I’d be hesitant to classify him as anything other than “unavailable” at this time. I am in a situation where several family members are no (or very little) contact with another. They have history and a relationship with that person that I was not a part of. I don’t know any details of their past or why they’ve gone no/little contact. I respect their boundaries.

She adds – But, I have a right to navigate my own relationship with this person. My experience with this individual is different than those of the others. It’s been nothing but lovely. I’m cautious in my interactions, knowing that several people stay away, but that is their history, not mine. I don’t know the version of the person they know, and it’s been so many years and I don’t know that they’re aware of the version I know. I believe people are capable of growth or change. And that doesn’t change the experience of the other people. Mine is just different. I haven’t seen any red flags yet, or yellow flags for that matter. I’m watching for them. If any of the individuals shared their history that included red flag moments, I’d likely cut ties. But for now, I continue building my relationship. Since you don’t have any details, I would do your own investigation about the father and draw your own conclusions before bringing the child into it. I would respect the personal boundaries of the others, but their boundaries are theirs not yours. I’d be cautious and move incredibly slowly because of their warnings, but you do have a right to make contact if you wish for the sake of the child in your care. And stay incredibly vigilant for the yellow and red flags that might be present.

The Chatter Is About Deportation

Someone asked for help to explain to an 11 yr old (who is only at the 3rd grade academically) about his biological father having been deported and this book was recommended, although the circumstances in the book’s story are not the same, it could be a conversation starter for this foster mother. A lot of noise this week about Mass Deportations if the election in November goes in a certain direction.

She mentions that he’s in therapy and his therapist is aware. The therapist suggested was that they tell him together, but that she should explain what the term deportation means ahead of time. She says, “I was able to do that by having a discussion about traveling and living in other countries.”

About this book – In this realistic and empowering tale, Carmen learns that through community and love, she can find strength in herself and maintain her connection with her Papi, who has been detained because of his immigration status. Carmen loves doing magic with her Papi. He can make sarapes fly. He can make rabbits vanish! But one day, her Papi vanishes. She is sad and scared when she learns he has been detained because he is an undocumented immigrant from Mexico. At first, Carmen’s family keeps Papi’s detention a secret, fearing that they might be judged negatively. As Carmen’s community becomes aware of their situation, they rally around her family with love. Carmen learns she can find strength in herself and maintain her connection with Papi, no matter what happens.

A note about the other “Something Happened” books, which present and explain sensitive and important events happening in communities across the United States and around the world. Told in clear, compelling stories, the books come with the authority of psychological expertise from the American Psychological Association. They include Something Happened in Our Town: A Child’s Story of Racial Injustice, which is a New York Times and #1 Indie Bound bestseller, and one of the American Library Association’s most banned books; Something Happened in Our Park: Standing Together After Gun Violence, which was nominated for The Goddard Riverside CBC Youth Book Prize for Social Justice.

Happy Synchronicity

Sherman Smith and Deland McCullough

Deland McCullough was born Jon Briggs on December 1, 1972 in Pennsylvania and was placed for adoption as a newborn. He was raised by his adoptive mother in Youngstown Ohio (his adoptive parents divorced when he was 2.)

The football field gave young Deland his niche as a running back. His tenacious running style soon began to garner the attention of some college programs. Sherman Smith had traversed a similar path as a quarterback almost two decades earlier. Smith’s coaching career eventually brought him back to Ohio, just as McCullough was making his name known as a promising running back for Campbell Memorial High School in Ohio. Smith introduced himself to McCullough telling him that he was there to recruit him for football at Miami University.

The chemistry was immediate, and over the years, their relationship continued. As McCullough sought to advance in the coaching ranks, he was offered an internship in 2014 with the Seattle Seahawks, thanks to help from Smith. “We always had a good relationship,” Smith said. “I was Coach Smith and that was my guy, Deland. … The fact that he was a running backs coach made it fun.”

After McCullough became a husband and a father of four, his questions about his own beginnings resurfaced. By November 2017, Pennsylvania had changed their laws. Deland was now able to see his mother’s name – Carol Denise Briggs. He searched and found his mother on Facebook and eventually they spoke on the phone. When she told him that his dad was a man named Sherman Smith, Deland McCullough says – “I was very excited. I was stunned. It was pretty surreal. I was blown back.”

His mom said she knew Smith in high school, but when he went away to college, she never told him a son existed. Smith went on to marry and become a father of two, with three grandchildren. Knowing this, McCullough quickly realized that when he shared the news, it would be shocking and life-altering for Smith.

McCullough called Smith and began explaining his years long process of finding his biological parents. Smith was happy for him. “And then he said her name,” Smith remembered. “And when he said her name, my heart dropped because I knew her. … I just felt terrible. I felt bad. I felt bad because I felt irresponsible. At that time when Deland called me, I was 63 years old, and you see things differently at 63 than you do when you’re 16 or 17 years old. I just felt so irresponsible.”

“Even when I was disappointed about my being irresponsible, there was gratitude; I was fortunate I was in his life,” Smith said.

Letting Go Includes “The Name”

I have frequently seen where adoptees, once they are adults, change the name their adoptive parents gave them. The name is like being possessed by “new” parents with their own ideas about who you should be or become.

Just today, I read this from an adoptee – I just had my name legally changed (old A-given middle name changed to my original last name). The process was much faster and easier than I expected. My question for those who have done this before- what is the best order for changing it everywhere else? I know I need a new SS card, amended birth certificate, credit cards, driver’s license, passport, etc. The form for amending the Birth Certificate asks for the original judge’s order (I have that) but specifically states that it won’t be returned. I’m afraid I’ll need it for other places, so do I wait and do that last? It’s all a bit overwhelming and looking online for information was not very helpful. Thank you for any insight you can add.

One adoptive parent noted – Some of this may vary by state, but you can get additional “original” copies of the judge’s order (think they have to have an official stamp). I’d probably try to do passport first, because that can serve as a preferred form of ID for everything else. She notes – We did this exact thing for our adopted kids (international adoption, their country automatically deleted their birth last name in the adoption process, so we went to court to get it back). The first things we updated were their birth certificates and certificates of citizenship, but I think that’s just for foreign-born citizens.

A mother of loss who is also a legal professional shared – In Arizona, the “original” order stays with the court and we request “certified” copies. An original certified copy is just as good as the “original” for all legal purposes. See if this is an option in your state. An adoptee shared – I did this in 2009 (got rid of my hated adoptive parent given middle name and took back my true and original at birth last name) but I don’t remember them keeping the original. Maybe they did do that because I do have an original certified document.

An adoptee who had a first + middle name change shared her process – I was told in Washington state: (1) Name change in the court, get the notarized name change form (get extras, they cost money & you can go back, even though you’ve already done the court), (2) Social security office, (3) DMV, (4) Passport – then everything else. She adds – I skipped the passport because we have enhanced ID in WA but this was the only way to do it really. DMV wouldn’t proceed until Social Security had finished, my Credit Card wouldn’t proceed until I brought in my new ID. Don’t forget to update your name at work, so your taxes don’t get weird. I didn’t change my birth certificate because I was born in a different state than the one I live in and it was too much work. I also have never applied for a passport but I believe they look at your birth certificate ? In that case, birth certificate should go after DMV and before passport. The “everything else”: bank info, car registration, w4, health insurance, etc didn’t have any particular order for me but also I own no assets. If you have a mortgage, they might be finicky but calling whoever makes those happen will get you answers easily, on what they want you to do. also my super secret life hack for dealing with bureaucracy like the social security office and DMV is to go as rural as possible. They’re not slammed busy, they’re nicer, and it’s easier to get appointments. Doing this made my whole process so much smoother

Not Memories To Keep

Most adoptees don’t want to be reminded of their greatest loss and trauma. It is similar to celebrating the “gotcha day” anniversary. One described it this way – “Your whole original family was just erased. Let’s PARTY!”

One commenter said – I don’t like when they share how many days a kid has been in foster care!!! It makes me want to barf, I was kicked out of a group for congratulating a adoptive parent on celebrating their success in destroying a family!! Apparently I was rude and didn’t respect their feelings. Someone else agreed – omg I hate the days in foster care signs– who in their right mind would think it’s a good idea to have photos in their house advertising that info ? And I thought this response sought a positive perspective – I always see it as an indication of how long the parents fought, even though the game was fixed. To which another shares – my one cousin and his ex-wife fought to get their kids back for 3 years and then, one day everything was just done and my little cousins were gone.

How Foster Care Changed Him

Billie Oh and Z going for a walk around their neighborhood.

My day has been eaten up with technical issues in my household. Because foster care often leads to adoption and because I care about fathers – this article in The Huffington Post caught my attention. LINK>I Didn’t Know If I Was Ready For Kids. Then I Became A Single Foster Dad At 27. Got to get on with the other demands of my day. Thank you for understanding.

A Mother Never Really Forgets

Today’s story – I am in my 30s. When I was a teen I lost two infants to child protective services (CPS). Despite working their program, they terminated my rights to both. Both were adopted by separate foster families. I have more children now that I raise 100%, and no worries or issues with CPS.

My question is, would it be weird to print off pictures of my first two children and hang them up ? I do not have relationships with either family, per their choice. I speak of them frequently to my younger kids and they know age appropriate explanations about the situation. I have had no contact with my first two kids in over 10 years, however I have found a way to view recent pictures. Would that be weird to “steal” these photos to print off ? I have tough skin so if it is, tell me please.

Not sure that it matters but I am also an adopted child, former foster child.

The responses were generally supportive – I feel like you should do whatever your heart is telling you. When I found my birth mother and later her son, I was happy to know that she had told him about me.

Another shared – My bio mom “stole” photos of me, after she found my socials and before she ready/able to reach out. At first, I was maybe a little weirded out, but ultimately it meant a lot to me that I mean that much to her.

A mother of loss said – They’re still your kids, even though you don’t have legal parental rights; they deserve a place in your home, even if it’s just downloaded pictures from the internet.

An adoptee said – I don’t think it’s weird because you haven’t been allowed to develop a relationship where you could get pictures organically. At least this way, your other kids can see them. And you can see them.

Yet another adoptee said something similar – I don’t think it’s weird. I’d be cautious and don’t share them publicly…..I’m sorry you’ve had to go through that. Hopefully they look for you as they get older.

A former foster care youth notes – If the pictures are viewable by you online, they’re accessible anyways. I say go for it! You have a right to love them.

Utah – The Exploitative State ?

I happen to like the state of Utah as a tourist. The concerning stories about Utah may be old or obsolete at this point. It read – Utah’s adoption system is by consensus the most exploitative in the nation — a clearinghouse for fast-track, high-dollar placements. Adoption regulations in Utah may be laxer than other states. A couple of hopeful adoptive parents disagree – we had to pass a state background check, and a Federal FBI background check and we had to pass a child abuse background screening as well. However, the hopeful adoptive mother noted – “It can be a huge way for adoptive families to be scammed, for both moms to be scammed, and it can be scary because there’s not a lot of regulation to it.”

I don’t know but it came up in a group again today. Here’s an old story – In 2019, Utah Attorney General’s office announced 11 felony charges against Paul D Petersen. The AG’s office alleges Petersen ran an illegal adoption scheme where he “recruited, transported, and offered payment to pregnant Marshallese women to give their babies up for adoption” in Utah and in other states.

There are risk factors that unfortunately make Utah a good place for people to take advantage of others. Utah’s laws are very pro-adoption. Unwed fathers have a very difficult time asserting their rights in Utah. In some states, unwed fathers automatically have a right to notice and consent. The speed in which adoption can be ordered, the fact that private agencies can handle adoption and the fact that monies can be paid to the relinquishing parents make Utah suspect. One positive change would be to eliminate payment from the adoptive parents or the adoption agency to relinquishing parents.

Fact is – many generalizations made about adoption are just that – generalizations. They have little applicability to specific situations.

Some red flags for any people looking to adopt –

Any adoption process that pays a woman to place their child for adoption. Utah law states agencies can only help pay for pregnancy-related costs for an expectant parent.
If adoptive families notice that agencies or attorneys are charging them for pregnancy-related costs that are tens of thousands of dollars, ask what that money is going toward and if they have documentation. Check to see if the charges are indeed due to pregnancy-related costs and not ways to encourage birth mothers to place their child for adoption.
If an agency or an attorney is unable to explain costs or their fee schedule, this is reason for concern.
If a birth parent has flown in from another state and uses Utah Medicaid. They are not residents and this should raise concern.
If a birth parent does not have any healthcare benefits or Medicaid to help pay for medical costs. If the adoptive family is having to pay for medical expenses all out of pocket, ask the agency or attorney why this is the case.

Also –

If there is a circumstance where agencies or attorneys are flying birth parents into the state of Utah specifically for adoption, inquire about what their process is and why the parent is not placing in the state they reside in. In some circumstances, individuals elect to use Utah to place for adoption due to some of the laws that are not as strict as laws in the birth parent’s residing state. One example is that Utah law does not require birth fathers to relinquish rights in order to move forward with an adoption plan. Also if a birth mother is advised not to involve the father, this is a red flag.
If an agency or attorney is promising a baby for an adoptive family quickly, it is likely too good to be true.
If the adoption cost goes up suddenly at the hospital, this is a red flag.
If you find that adoption costs are different amounts for different races, this is reason for concern.

If you have reason to suspect unethical adoption practice you can:

Report it to the Office of Licensing
Report this to the attorney’s bar, if it is a private adoption
File a police report
Contact The Division of Child and Family Services

Too Sad

Not The Boy In Today’s Story

From a foster parent who works at a residential center – There is a young teen boy who was adopted along with his 2 siblings. The adoptive parents are now refusing to let him come back into their home due to supposed “behaviors”. He is the sweetest kid and has had very few issues at the residential placement. The adoptive parents are at odds with the Div of Child Services (DCS). The adoptive mother wants the child to go back into group home, so she can retain her rights but she does not want to actually parent him. DCS wants reunification with adoptive family but the family is refusing. So, instead they are pushing for the child to have a chance with another foster family by terminating the adoptive parents’ rights, to enable him to potentially be adopted by another family. It is just heartbreaking. Neither option seems great to me. I want to advocate for this child’s best interests but I don’t know what that would be in this scenario.

First response from an adoptive parent – does the youth have an appointed lawyer ? This certainly seems like a situation where the youth needs a lawyer to advocate for what he wants. He should know that if he gets adopted by a different family, he will lose legal ties (and possibly visitation rights) to his siblings.

Another adoptive parent notes – Speaking from experience, in some situations it’s like parenting a Jekyll/Hyde personality when Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is a factor, which this could very well be the case. Considering no one truly knows what the “behaviors” of this child are, it’s not helpful to speculate and assign blame. In some circumstances, it’s legally safer for the other family members to be protected and their legal story shouldn’t have to be weighed. Sometimes the reasons why some children are in foster care are soo heartbreaking that the generational trauma continues and then more, worse trauma compounds it. RAD is soooo hard to effectively care for.

Yet there is this reality check from another adoptive parent – I adopted my daughters when they were 14 & 16 (adopted separately, not biological siblings). I know a lot of people who also adopted teens & I’ll just say that the RAD diagnosis gets thrown around waaaay too casually. It’s actually pretty rare & in my experience, kids that are labeled RAD actually just have woefully unprepared adoptive families. Adopting and parenting older kids who have very sad & difficult histories + trauma is therapeutic parenting & I’ve seen too many families peace out when the going gets tough & use “RAD” as an excuse.

From an adoptee – I’m calling BS. When you adopt a child, you have promised, PROMISED to be their family. No returns, the adults need to step up and parent the child they made a commitment to, better educate themselves, DO THE WORK! And, yes adoptive families absolutely should have to have their story weighed! The days of adoptive parents being like a God and believed because they said so – is part of the problem, not typically the adoptees who generally don’t have a say in their situations. Not blaming? Yes, adoptive parents need to be held accountable, fully! Your talk of not speculating but what did you do by suggesting RAD in the first place??? Good for me (the adoptee) but not for thee (adoptive parent)? NO. Stop pushing labels and disorders on children, who adults have failed and apparently, continue to fail.

A transracial adoptee agreed – RAD is often the diagnosis thrown around when adoptive parents and bad therapists get together. ODD that somehow similar “behaviors” aren’t typically grounds to get rid of your biological kids. This is gross of the adoptive parents, full stop.

Yet another adoptee, from experience – Speaking from experience, sometimes adoptive parents haven’t dealt with their generational trauma but think it’s a good idea to adopt vulnerable children. It’s like being raised by a Jekyll/Hyde personality. Asshole parents are soooooooo hard to effectively love. Why is it though, it’s just assumed the problem is the adoptee ? Just like you implied. They automatically get the blame and adoptive parents are just given the benefit of the doubt. Because once again, adoptees are seen as “damaged”. My bet is that the adoptive parents are just assholes. But go ahead and assign blame to a child, that would have been loved, if they were just easier.

An 18th-Century Hoax

Things have been a bit heavy lately. Not heavier than usual as regards all things adoption but even so, I’m going for a bit of light-hearted-ness today – or is it, really ? My soul and psyche need it but this one may not soothe, as it is one those historical oddities. Never-the-less . . . here goes.

Courtesy of The Guardian story by Melissa Harrison. It is a review of LINK>Mary and the Rabbit Dream. In 1726, the medical establishment believed that a poor woman had given birth to rabbits. That woman was Mary Toft of Godalming, who was a seasonal field laborer. paid only a penny a day. Her husband Joshua was a cloth worker. They were impoverished almost to the point of destitution. It wasn’t all that rare in a time of gross economic inequality. She was illiterate and healthy but her doctors described her as having “a stupid and sullen temper”.

The first “rabbit birth” occurred not long after Mary had suffered a miscarriage. Her mother-in-law, Ann Toft, was her midwife. A doctor from Guildford, John Howard, was enlisted for her case. She was moved into John Howard’s house but he lost control of the situation, as the sideshow snowballed with more and more rabbit parts issuing from Mary. So, she was taken to London, where she attracted the interest of the press and the king, was examined by rival surgeons and, eventually, the eminent obstetrician Sir Richard Manningham.

There was a myth at the time that that anything a woman saw or even imagined while pregnant could impress itself upon the developing fetus. What was known as maternal impression. Indignity and suffering were visited upon this powerless woman by people in thrall either to their own egos or their own schemes. In this historical hoax story, there was a lack of any clear, central motive presented to explain Mary’s supposed condition (though hunger could have driven her to the fabrications). At the time, rabbit farming was popular on Godalming’s sandy soils, but only for the rich. To poach a rabbit was to risk severe punishment – even in the face of starvation.

The “rabbit births” could have been an act of desperation on Mary’s part. Like many stories lost in the mists of time, all of the facts will never be known. So okay, maybe not a fun story for today. More so, a sad tale – as too oft is the truth.