Author: debyemm

What Is Stopping You ?

A natural mother who had two children placed for adoption, asks these questions of adoptive parents – have you actually done the work to work to reunify your child with their biological family and relinquish *your* rights to them ? Have you asked their birth family, if they are now in a place to have their children returned, if they wanted their child back ? For those of you who have open adoption, support visits, talk about how the biological families are doing well and raising other children since placing… What is stopping you from working to repair that family ? Adoption is trauma (even when the child is adopted from birth). So what is stopping you from releasing your hold on that child, and putting them back with their biological family members, if they are in a better place or more able now to raise their child ?

Response by an adoptee – The person who matters the most in this situation is now the child. Both adults have made the choice to adopt and “give up”. If the kids want to be with their REAL family, they should be allowed to do as they please. And each case is so very different. But if the child doesn’t want to be with the natural mother because they are used to the family they are living with, then I think the child gets to make that decision as well. This SHOULD be the child(ren)’s choice to make and no one’s else’s. They are the most affected by it. And this is what both the adopted parents and biological parents should consider – when adopting or giving up for adoption.

An adoptive parent shares – the youngest child in our house is 8; we are guardians. Recently, his mother’s situation has improved. She has said on more than one occasion “I could not handle him” (he has fetal alcohol spectrum disorders – and it creates stress responses and impulse control considerations that are really hard). We listened to that – and know there is more going on for her than just the behaviors – there is grief of her loss(es), there is guilt for the fetal alcohol exposure and other history. He is at a developmental stage where he is processing the loss in his history – and at this moment in time, doesn’t want contact with her. But that is just now, and he is just 8 and it could change. We hold all the needs of all involved loosely, and center him. It’s hard and complex. I appreciate very much your perspective to center him. That can get lost in “adult” conversation.

The one who asked the questions clarifies – have any adoptive parents ASKED the child if they would want to go back to their biological parents or families… Not just hand them over with no communication. I see adoptive parents all the time saying how they know adoption is wrong… But I wonder about those with infants and toddler- if they’ve even tried to see about positively reunifying the family… or older children who have contact, have they asked that question. I think it all looks good on “paper” to say adoption is wrong… but I’m more so curious if there are any wo have actually done the work or made an effort to reverse the situation.

Another adoptee shares her perspective – what is the child’s choice ? What do they want ? Being adopted from birth, if I was randomly given back to my birth family – it’d be adding trauma to trauma. I’d be losing my parents, my siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins etc AGAIN but this time, they are the only ones I’ve ever known and to once again go and live with strangers ? This shouldn’t be about what’s owed to the birth parents or the adoptive parents but the child’s choice. Being re-abandoned after abandonment doesn’t feel like the healthiest option, once adoption is already done. Maybe it’d be different if I weren’t adopted from birth. I can’t speak for those who were adopted at an older age. I’d say having a truly open adoption would be helpful in this situation and if the child ever decides to go no contact with either party or wants to live with the other, that should be allowed. The ball should be in the adoptee’s court.

Another adoptee admitted – This post rubbed me the wrong way because it centers the desires of the biological family and not the actual child. I would not have wanted to be “given back” and would have been murderously angry at any and all adults in my life, if they tried to facilitate this without my input (and my input would have been: absolutely not) once I was old enough to know what was going on. Adoption itself is trauma but the trauma can never be undone, even with reunification. (Of course if the child is actively asking to go back to their biological family, that’s a different story.)

One shares a personal story – My eldest sister escaped the system because her dad took her. Myself and our two other youngest sisters were adopted with me from foster care. I was 12 at that time. My sister got her eldest two half siblings back post adoption after their adopted mom passed away. Her husband was not able to parent alone. Two of the teens had trauma from loss already, then added loss. It was not something anyone prepared him for. My oldest niece suffers from borderline personality disorder (imo from the broken attachments and abandonment issues). No legal ties were changed. They are adults now, but the third who actually went to their school has no contact because her adopters won’t allow it. Unbelievable, the kids got in trouble at school for conversing ! That is Insane !

Being Pushed

In today’s story – I just found out I’m expecting and everyone is pushing for adoption. I’m not mentally, emotionally or financially prepared for another baby. I don’t want to adopt my baby out. I’m trying to reply as much as I can. I picked up a third job to keep me distracted. I don’t know what I need. I just know I don’t want to give up my baby.

However, looking for an image to illustrate this, I came across this story in The Cut I could not stop reading. The title is LINK>The Mom Who Told Her Cousin She Could Adopt Her Next Baby under the How I Got This Baby subtitle. about a woman who was carrying a baby to give to a cousin who was infertile after trying for 14 years. She ended up changing her mind and the cousin has treated her despicably afterwards.

She notes – “The experience made me stop wanting to help people. It made me feel like many people are in the situations they’re in for a reason, and I no longer step in to help. I don’t trust people anymore, because  you could literally give someone the world and it still won’t be enough at the end of the day. They’ll always want more.”

So back to my first story, someone wrote – “I met a gal in this same situation. I shared that both adoption and abortion are permanent decisions to often temporary problems. I offered for her to place her child with me for a time to see if she really desires not to parent her baby. If she decides she can, we’ll assist her and support her and if it’s too much for her, we are able to assist her as needed with that too. There’s no need to rush to make a decision. You have time. I bet if you reached out to people in your circle explaining the situation, they could offer you the same type of support.” She noted – “Decisions made in haste are often regretful.” She suggested LINK>Embrace Grace for unplanned pregnancy support.

Another person shared – I also only knew I didn’t want to give up my baby 17 years ago. I didn’t give him up. I have a lot of regrets in my life, but that is definitely not one of them. I stood my ground and refused to give him up or ever give up on him, and I will NEVER regret those choices. You are stronger than you know, and I can already say that with absolute certainty, because when I was at that stage of pregnancy, all I knew was that I didn’t want to give up my baby. Truly, if you need to talk, I’ve been there, and I’m here for you.

A comment was made – Then make a plan on what you need to do to keep this baby. To which someone else added – or end the pregnancy. That can be intense but many adoptees agree with such logic – there is no child when a pregnancy is ended, for me I would rather have been aborted than be forced to stay with the abusive adoptive parents. Another adoptee agreed – It’s a much better fate. Another noted – there is no child yet. She is pregnant but there is no guarantee that the embryo or fetus will turn into a child. Also, yes it’s better to get a medical procedure (abort), than to be stolen from their actual parents after birth.

This discussion did lead to some “preaching”. It was called out which I will leave you with today -from a retired ob/gyn nurse – please save the preaching for your church of choice… The many varied options/ opinions come from the privileged voices -those who are Adoptee’s and Mother’s of loss…. The pregnant woman was wise to post anonymously…as potential hopeful adoptive parents prey on those in crisis pregnancies (in spite of it being against our group rules)…Expectant mom’s….Report anyone contacting you about adoption! Those ‘promising you unlimited yet not enforceable post adoption… “contact”. Knowing the area where you live helps in recommending resources.

Adoption is NOT a quick fix. It is a multigenerational and life-long family trauma….as a ‘fix’ for short term financial and economic difficulties of support, housing, transportation, childcare… Babies don’t need a multi-thousand dollar designer nursery and a closet full of clothing they will outgrow in a blink of an eye! A pack-n-play, car seat and frame….diapers & clothing. Much of that can be found in ‘buy nothing groups’ or passed down, like several here have offered. Community diaper banks, WIC/Medicaid/Tanf (Temporary Assistance for Needy Families), daycare assistance, housing assistance etc….

Ending an early pregnancy is still an option…. you owe NO ONE YOUR BABY! Sign nothing! Do not agree to being ‘temporarily housed’ by adoption agencies! There IS helpful help vs self serving help available. Report to an admin anyone, ANYONE, contacting you about adoption! Our group has helped many to parent!

This woman was also a former Baby Scoop Era pregnant teen who was pushed to place by parents/priests…..BUT SHE PARENTED… she says, “my adult son is an electrical engineer and Navy Vet (in spite of early years of HUD Housing/Food Stamps/WIC/Medicaid…)”

What Would Help ?

A question was asked – what would have helped you to parent? I’ve seen statistics that a very small financial amount was the barrier that kept most women who chose adoption from parenting. As I look around my community at single mothers, though, it seems that their struggle is more a concern of being able to coordinate a combination of a job, a budget and childcare.

Some responses –

Money. Assuming the same lack of family support that caused the coerced adoption, having my own financial security would have meant them never even having a chance to suggest. much less force it. Asked to elaborate, she added – they could have been financially supportive or even emotionally supportive but both families (the father’s and mine) chose not to; my parents basically abdicated. That had always been the case. His family, though well off enough to help a young family get established, instead chose to coerce me into adoption to protect their precious baby boy’s future.

blogger’s note – it is true that it is often the parents, even adoptee parents like my own who coerced my sister into giving up her baby. Truly, in their heart of hearts, they believe this is best – not for the baby – but for their own children. They don’t know that baby yet.

Another one shared – For me, it was lack of “support system” and with that, childcare. 1) I can’t afford childcare since I only work part time and 2) my hours are “outside” the “daycare hours”, so finding daycare, even if I was given the “financial stability” (aka, “paid”) to do so, I still would have the barrier to actually find a daycare that would offer services after 3/4/5 pm when I could drop them off until 8/9/10 pm when I could come pick them up. I live in a fairly small town (pop. 10,000 ish). Everything is limited here. Most of the stores/shops even close around 5/6 pm, but I’m one of many that work at one of 2 places that either close at 12 am (major chain grocery store) or never close (tribal casino).

The one who first asked the question wanted to know – so if you had had a “grandparent” that would care for your child just for the sake of spending time with them, or a babysitting co-op where you watch someone’s child 5 days a week, while she works her 7-2 shift, in exchange for her watching your child 5 days a week while you work your 3-10, that would have made an actual difference, in whether or not you felt equipped to parent ? (No response yet, at the time of writing this blog.)

In first researching for this blog at sources not limited to adoption issues, I read two that discuss the challenges or myths about single moms. Without a doubt, an unwed mother considering parenting her unborn child, will have encountered similar arguments about trying to give it a go.

[1] LINK>Your Tango – a single mom shared that she was battling a litany of problems that will likely sound very familiar to most single moms out there, from a punishing schedule to a lack of space for self-care and sleep deprivation. At just 26, she was struggling. “I work full time, clean, cook, grocery shop, take care of the kids, etc. all on my own,” she wrote. “I have no time for myself and what little time I do I have I try to spend it with the kids.”

[2] LINK>Slate – 4 long-standing myths about single mothers. The article elaborates on each but here are the 4 – Myth 1: You can’t generalize about single mothers Myth 2: Single mothers get pregnant by men with whom they have casual sex Myth 3: Single mothers get pregnant because they were ignorant about, couldn’t afford, or didn’t have access to birth control. Myth 4: If unmarried couples would just get married, they would be a lot better off.

Difficult Conversations

Not the child in today’s story.

We have guardianship of a 7yr old. He has lived with us twice before through foster care but always returned home after sobriety was achieved.

Guardianship happened after the 3rd relapse in 6 years.

Grandparents have guardianship of some older siblings and often go camping in the summer and invite his mom to join them (their daughter and mother of the kids).

How would you navigate the conversation of yes he can go camping with his family but he can’t move back in with his mom, since she is still in rehab and we don’t know when/if he ever will, due to her substance abuse history?

Is it as simple as saying it that way? I don’t want to overcomplicate it.

He knows that his mom was arrested for drugs and that’s why he has lived with us through the years. His whole life we have genuinely had a good relationship with his mom. We send her pictures and he has had several supervised visits since the last relapse and they FaceTime several times during the week.

One suggestion – “All grown-ups need help taking care of kids. That’s why we are teamed up with the adults in your family, so that we can all help each other take the best care of you.”

One person formerly in foster care asks – Do you think he would want to go? I’m only speaking from my personal experience. I didn’t like events like that when I was a kid with my father because he would try to act like he was this good dad and it was uncomfortable and I felt out of place the entire time. That’s not to say he shouldn’t go but there are a lot of emotional things to navigate outside of just her sobriety.

Another one suggested – put it back on the courts, if he asks. “Right now the judge decided it’s best for you to stay with us. When the judge tells us you can come back to your mom we will absolutely make it happen.” And if he asks when, it’s okay to say that you don’t know but will keep him updated as soon as you do.

An elementary school teacher who has some experience with parents that have addiction issues said – the camping experience is an opportunity for an extended visit with your mom and grandparents. Your mom and grandparents are going to make sure you and your siblings have a great time together. Your mom is still doing some really important work to be her best, and she still needs some more time to do that. Which means you are not going to go home to live with her yet. She added – ask if he’s comfortable with that because it might be more traumatic for him to deal with that separation all over again. She also suggested a therapist to talk about the trauma he’s experienced, in general. She then shared – My mom struggled with addiction for years and, while I was never removed, I wish I could have had someone who didn’t make her the bad guy for fighting a really difficult disease. It takes an incredible amount of work to fight that addiction, and kudos to his mom to keep trying.

One adoptive parent said – Sometimes the answers are just what they are and there isn’t a nice explanation just a hard truth. we just talk about it honestly. Mom had a drug addiction and tons of childhood trauma herself. We talk about those things. How trauma and addiction can effect us. We always emphasize that it isn’t anything against them. She added – my experience is to always go with the truth. Sometimes the situation just sucks and it is ok to say that. And added – she never negatively talks about their Mom – ever – but the girls sometimes express anger. We validate those feelings but I never jump on that bandwagon.

Not The Adoptee’s Celebration

My blog today was inspired by this comment by an adoptive parent – We’ve all seen a million ways of handling adoption day and the anniversary of that day done wrong. Sadly, I haven’t seen it done well. What is an emotionally appropriate way of handling adoption day anniversaries ? I know it’s not one size fits all, just looking for the majority/ideas/growth. And I’m sick to death of people telling me to let the kids lead, which I view as putting the work/responsibility on them, when I’m the adult.

From an adoptee –  I always thought it was weird when other adopted kids parents made a big deal out of the day they were adopted… so strange. I am happy that I don’t know it and my parents never “celebrated” it or made it a thing. My birthday was always made super special and every other holiday, like a normal kid.

And another adoptee – I prefer to just ignore it altogether.

An adoptee from foster care – It was never really acknowledged in my home. The day that they picked me up to foster was spoken about a few times but only because it was my brother’s birthday and apparently he thought my adoptive parents had got him a baby sister for his birthday. I can’t imagine my adoption day as anything to be celebrated. Why does it have to be spoken of at all?

Another one explains – what was lost in that moment is not worthy of a celebration. If I could go back in time and save my family from their own self destruction that led me and my daughter to our adoptions, I would.

Yet another adoptee – This one is easy. You don’t. Why celebrate the day you bought your kids ? Celebrate the day they were born. I think there are ways to communicating your openness to have discussions without mentioning it on the day the final loss of their family took place. Less is definitely called for.

This adoptive parent continually responded to each adoptee response with the same “canned” message rather than more personal replies – never intended on celebrating the day. Just thought I should acknowledge it, so they know it’s okay to feel whatever it is they feel and I’m here for support if needed/wanted. I’m seeing that this is one of those times when less is more though.

To which an adoptee responded – so reading your canned response, it seems you want to acknowledge it because so many people involved were affected by it. Lose that mindset. It’s not a happy day, if they bring it up, just listen to their feelings and make sure they feel validated. Trauma should not be memorialized.

A Very Sad Story

Malcolm Latif Shabazz, grandson of Malcolm X

I was tracking down this quote for our Independence Day –

“You’re not supposed to be so blind with patriotism
that you can’t face reality.
Wrong is wrong, no matter who says it.”
~ Malcolm X

When I encountered the story of his grandson, Malcolm Latif Shabazz. I didn’t know the story until today, though it is an old one.

In Philadelphia, one landlord there remembered frequently having to let young Malcolm into the apartment because his mother was not at home. Malcolm showed some evidence of disturbance as a child. As a three-year-old, he reportedly set fire to his shoes.

In 1995, his mother Qubilah was charged with trying to hire an assassin to kill Louis Farrakhan. Under the terms of her plea agreement, she was required to undergo psychological counseling and treatment for drug and alcohol abuse for a two-year period in order to avoid a prison sentence. For the duration of her treatment, ten-year-old Malcolm was sent to live with Betty at her apartment in Yonkers NY.

In 1997, his mother called the police saying she wanted him committed to a mental hospital. After a brief stay, Malcolm was released. His mother said she was going to place him in foster care but sent Malcolm back to New York on April 26 to live with his grandmother instead.

On June 1 1997, Malcolm Shabazz (then 12 years old) started a fire in Betty Shabazz’s apartment. She suffered burns over 80 percent of her body. The police found Malcolm wandering the streets, barefoot and reeking of gasoline. Betty Shabazz died of her injuries on June 23 1997. At a hearing, experts described Malcolm as psychotic and schizophrenic. He was also described as “brilliant but disturbed.”

His lawyers accepted that he started the fire but argued he intended no real harm to his grandmother. Shabazz pleaded guilty and was sentenced to 18 months of juvenile detention at Hillcrest Education Center in Pittsfield MA for manslaughter and arson, with possible annual extensions until his 18th birthday. Shabazz was eventually released after four years.

His version of the fire and the events leading up to it – he had been unhappy living in New York with his grandmother and had stated: “Being bad, doing anything to get them to send me back to my mother. Then I got the idea to set the fire.” Shabazz continued: “I set a fire in the hallway, and I didn’t think the whole thing through thoroughly, but she didn’t have to run through that fire … There was another way out of the house from her room. I guess what she thought was, I was stuck, and she had to run and get me because it was in front of my room as well. She ran through the fire. I did not picture that happening, that she would do that.”

Shabazz died in Mexico City on May 9 2013, at the age of 28. He was said to be on a tour to demand more rights for Mexican construction workers relocated to the US. His body, which according to prosecutors had been badly beaten with a rod of some kind, was found in the street in Plaza Garibaldi, a busy tourist spot.

Malcolm Latif Shabazz was survived by his mother and his two daughters. He was buried in Ferncliff Cemetery in Hartsdale NY, near the graves of his grandparents, Malcolm X and Betty Shabazz.

“When a person is unable to complete a mourning task in childhood, he either has to surrender his emotions in order that they do not suddenly overwhelm him, or else he may be haunted constantly throughout his life with a sadness for which he can never find an appropriate explanation.”
~ Wyatt Emory Cooper, The Importance of Grieving

Nature vs Nurture

The debate comes up frequently in adoption related discussions. A comment made by an adoptee to an adoptive parent went something like this – It’s a nice concept to pretend they don’t have an entire family out there, one that helps avoid hard truths about nurture vs nature. It’s not as black and white as erasing an entire person’s identity and history. We do make exceptional feel-good clickbait, though.

(blogger’s note – with two adoptees as my parents, I grew up thinking they were orphans and didn’t have genetic biological families out there – I discovered how uninformed I had been, when I started uncovering the stories and sometimes descendants of my genetic biological grandparents.)

The adoptive parent pushed back – I’ve never pretended anything. Never hid from them that they were adopted. Gave them all the information they needed to contact their birth families when they were old enough.

The adoptee responded – you’re doing it here, sharing it as if it’s yours and perpetuating the concept of ownership. You’re apparently aware of at least some of the trauma in not having natural family connection, yet you sold it in your very public comment as though they have no other family but yours.

That’s a harmful and misleading Disney spin on what is actually a Grimm’s Fairytale. Kids can have the most wonderful parents and still suffer the trauma that automatically comes with adoption and you sell it like rainbows and fairytales on their behalf.

You may feel like they’re your kids, but I guarantee, at times, they feel “other”. And they will throughout life. That’s nothing you did – that’s adoption. This narrative is keeping the demand for resources at zero and the demand for buying babies at an all- time high.

Adoptive parent’s reply – I’m well aware of the trauma and complications involved in adoption. I’ve never pretended my life is a fairy tale. Our lives are hard. I’ve never hidden that from anyone. All my message was meant to convey was that me not having given birth still seems “less then” in our society. Judged for not having children. Saying that they’re all mine is not about ownership but about the Mother/Child relationship that is valid.

The adoptee notes – Adoption is supposed to be about the kids but it’s really about infertility and the adoptive mother.

The adoptive mother tries to clarify the situation from her point of view – I won’t hide the fact that I support adoption. Suffice it to say that if we didn’t adopt them, someone else would’ve or they would’ve spent their childhood in foster homes. It’s not about me. It is about people’s lack of respect for the non-traditional parent and people who don’t have children. Your story may be hard but you don’t represent all adoptees just as I don’t represent all adoptive parents.

The adoptee wasn’t finished by that – there it is, the entitlement underneath all of it. You would believe that every one of the relatives are an absolute failure and could not possibly have been helped to parent any of the children and thank God (and you of course) saved them. You support and encourage more ripping apart of families, kids placed in the system so long as people like you get to say they have at least one family, eventually. You do speak like most adoptive parents. I speak like most adoptees do in private, away from the fragile people we have to keep pretending with – the adoptive families who can’t handle the truth they made us handle as children and continue to make us handle.

Someone commented after the adoptee shared all that – This was a master class and I feel so sure she won’t learn.

The adoptee said that was true – She became condescending and went and got her 19 year old adopted son to tell her I was wrong and they’re all fine, which she then had to come back and tell me, just to underscore her belief that my perspective is a minority one.

Not A Failed Adoption

It happens more often that some people expect – a new mom changes her mind and decides to parent.

From one comment – Two things 1) words mean things. A “failed” adoption is one in which the adoption was completed and the adoptive parents later return or “re home”. What she is experiencing is not a failed adoption. 2) I worked in adoption in the past (it simply wasn’t for me). I would tell birth and prospective adoptive parents that there’s an appeals period, even in private adoptions. It’s usually shorter than public (Foster Care) adoption but it’s still there. One of the things that drew mixed reactions when I did my birth parent assessments was that I would really have the parents evaluate why adoption was their choice. If it was something temporary that could be resolved with financial or housing resources, I would note that. The reality is that if those things are addressed, many are willing to parent. They should not be made to feel ashamed for that. People are not obligated to sign over their children.

Grief Needs Space

Today’s story – not my own – I adopted my nephew a few years ago. My sister has a crippling addiction and Child Protective Services got involved. It’s all devastating and we all know adoption is born of broken hearts.

Anyway… So we try to keep in contact with his mom but she is very unavailable and doesn’t have stable living at any given time. Currently she’s been gone for about 2 years with no phone contact but we have checked with people who know people to make sure she is still around and ‘okay’. Her son is 4 years old. (We have had him since he was 5 months old, after being in emergency care for 2 months.)

Tonight he was crying at bedtime and when my husband asked why he said he misses his mom. (He knows he is adopted.) My husband just held him close until he settled and then he went to sleep.

But I don’t know how to handle this. I have pictures and thought maybe we can look through them but then panic that maybe that will make it worse. He saw his biological half siblings all day today (also placed for adoption to kin on the father’s side) so I wonder if that was a trigger but the answer can’t be to not see his siblings. I just don’t know how to help him.

I did reach out to a friend of my sisters to see if maybe he can relay a message and haven’t heard back but even then I don’t know what will help. She has only seen him maybe 7 to 10 times since being placed with us, so I don’t know if it will help or hurt for him to see her?

Anyone. Help. Tell me what to do, please. (Other than not adopt him because I didn’t ask for this…) I never intended to “steal him” or anything… I just needed my nephew to be in a safe place surrounded by as much family as possible.

From someone involved in counseling – I think he’s grieving and it doesn’t necessarily need to be “fixed.” Grief needs space and to be witnessed. His heart hurts for good reason and he needs safety to feel what he feels. A therapist might help you too as you hold space for grief with him. I suggest seeing an adoption competent therapist.

An adoptee shares – Holding him while he misses his mom and loving on him is the right thing here and you’ve done that. Therapy with an adoption trauma informed therapist and just being there for him. Letting him talk about her. The pictures are a good idea. Addiction is so freaking hard. Don’t give up on them – someday they might be ready. I think you should be in therapy too, you’ve pretty much lost your sister to addiction at this point, that’s a lot and it’s okay to need a little lift of support.