Wanted To Be Found

One adoptee answered a mother of loss’s dilemma with “I always wanted to be found.” When I found my cousin, the daughter of my mom’s half-sister, who knew my mom had bee adopted out of the family, she told me that her mom always hoped my mom would turn up, would find her, so they could sit and chat. This half-sister had only died a few months before I learned of her. My adoptee mom wanted to find her mom but was denied by the state of Tennessee.

Here’s the story of her dilemma – I had my son when I was 15. I was still a child and had no idea what I was doing. I believed that it would be in the best interest of my child to have a stable family with a mom and a dad who would be able to provide for him. I grew up in a broken home and I didn’t want that for my son. I interviewed so many hopeful adoptive parents, until I found a couple that seemed like family. We communicated via email, pictures/letters – always from me to the adoptive mother. I have never had any contact with my son directly. He will be 20 this coming summer and I have found him on social media. My question is for adoptees, do I reach out? I want so badly to have a relationship with him but I also don’t want to disrupt the life that he has. I did grow up, get married and have additional children. Will my attempt to forge a relationship with him at this point be more of a negative impact on his life?

An adoptee answers – He may be different. Each person’s journey is different. For me, I would have liked it if my first mother reached out to me. I’d say the only way to find out is to ask him. Part of the struggle as an adoptee is not having the opportunity to decide any of these things for ourselves. Give him the choice. Be prepared for whatever he decides.

Another adoptee notes – The majority of adopted people would appreciate your reaching out. Offering to answer any questions he might have. Knowing that he is an adult now, but perhaps not knowing if he was actually told that he was adopted… or if he does know, exactly what he was told about you. There’s also the concept that many adopted people don’t want to hurt their raising parents – it is crazy how often adopters really do let us know that it is “hurtful” to seek out the original family members. Definitely do reach out – don’t go overboard until he gives you feedback as to what his own situation and feelings are… I wish that my own mother wasn’t so traumatized by the system, so we could have even one adult conversation. A relationship? I would have jumped at that opportunity. I wish that for you all.

In response to the above, another adoptee affirmed – I want to emphasize the do not go overboard. Go slow, like molasses. Let him choose the pace. Don’t spurt out answers to questions he my not even know he has yet. And keep a journal, both for him and for you. It can act as a release valve. All the things you wanted to say, but it was too soon. I wish you peace going forward.

Another said – I would have loved it if my first mum initiated contact but completely understand her thoughts around this are different to mine. I don’t think initiating contact would disrupt anyone’s life. If he knows he was relinquished, he would most likely have the thought of contact floating around in his head .

A late discovery adoptee shares – Found my biological father at 20. Would have been great to know he had also been looking for me. One of the big things I struggle with is being angry, even after 18 years since finding him. Angry he knew and never tried and that I missed out on years of knowing my younger siblings and extended family.

Another says simply – Please reach out to him for both of your sakes.

One adoptee admits – I wish my biological family would reach out. It was a closed adoption and I know nothing about my background. I reached out via 23 and Me to a brother I found but I have had no response. I would love for my biological family to find me but everyone’s journey is different. I had a tumultuous upbringing and I have no family – so it would be nice for me to connect. I’m 37 and I didn’t realize how much I wanted this until recently. Went my entire life not knowing and not caring about my biological family. Only recently, have I had a change of feelings. I would do it if I were you – just be prepared if your biological son is hurt and let him express his feelings. Listening is so important.

One writes – I wish my mother would have ever reached out to me. I had to spend most of my adult life searching for her and it made me feel like it wasn’t worthwhile because my thoughts were ‘if she wanted to, she would’. You don’t have to disrupt, just a message letting them know that the door is open, if they are interested in having a conversation. I would have loved to know I wasn’t forgotten.

Yet another – My advice would be to go for it. You never know if you don’t try. I had been looking for my mom and she had been looking for me, but she found my contact info first and made the initial contact. You never know – he might be looking, too. Wishing you the best. It meant a lot to know my mom had been trying to find me, too.

This was good advice too – When my birth family (siblings) reached out to me, I didn’t respond right away (took me a year). I needed time to take it in due to situations going on. If he doesn’t respond right away, I don’t want you to feel defeated or rejected. Some of us need time to process it. I wish you the very best & encourage you to reach out.

Another shares – I’d say to definitely reach out but leave the terms open for him to decide / control. It was very hard on me when my “mom” reached out to me the first time. It ended up turning very negative, but I can say that at least it happened. My “dad” to this day, despite speaking with my sister, his other daughter, and having a relationship with her.. he has made zero attempt to know me or reach out. Put the ball in his court but take that first step. You don’t want to regret not doing so and I’m sure he would at least be curious!

Yet another experience – I didn’t get to speak to my dad from 12/13-22 and when I finally reached out, I felt very bummed that I could find him so easy but he never tried to find me. I think you run the risk of being rejected, of course, but you still would be doing the right thing by reaching out and just saying – if there’s anything you want to know, I will answer it and I would love to learn more about you, and whatever boundaries you need to set, you are more than welcome to.

Finally, this – Reach out. It is achingly horrible not knowing. I found my first mom before she found me. They lied to her. I unsealed it all and met her face to face within weeks. The reunion hasn’t been all roses and unicorns. But I’m so glad to know her today.

In a later response, this mother wrote – Thank you everyone for your insights on this matter! I know that every situation is different, I was just hoping that if posted, I would get a wide variety of responses to help me. I will be reaching out. Now I just need to try to find the words that convey how much I am willing to be there for him but also, I don’t want to put any stress or pressure. I am definitely willing to go at his pace or no pace at all, if that is his choice. It’s such a fine line and I don’t want to make any more mistakes. I do know that he was told he was adopted – so I won’t be completely destroying his world. Thank you again for your help!

Using Adoptees for Social Media Clout

This came up in my all things adoption group. Many were aware that this couple had adopted their daughter. Some of the comments included –

From an adoptee – They make themselves seem like these saviors – baby’s mom chose them. They have so much access to resources, they couldn’t help baby’s mother???

From a kinship adoptee – Using their adopted children for clout. Some even use their adopted child’s race for clout.

Another adoptee – these two make me absolutely sick to my stomach. They adopted her right around when I was learning lots about the primal wound. I ended up having to block/hide any content from them because the thought of that little baby being taken away from her mother was effecting me massively.

A mother of loss to adoption writes – it’s alarming to me how many people use adoptees for social media clout.

A Harmful, False Narrative

Just because someone is a child sexual abuse (CSA) victim and is in foster care DOES NOT equal or mean the child or person will go on to abuse others. Please stop this very harmful false narrative. If you don’t want teens or older kids, say that head-on. It’s offensive to even suggest a foster child will abuse biological kids or other kids just because of their foster care label. Calling foster kids abusers and creating a stigma around CSA is disrespectful. People don’t do this for anyone else; don’t do this for foster youth.

Many foster kids are abused in foster care, and it’s common. However, this does not mean people should create lies and stories about innocent victims. The research and studies show that many foster youth harm themselves and not others.

Also, many abusers weren’t abused. Many foster and adoptive parents abuse kids who aren’t abused. Abuse is about power and control. You can abuse without being abused.

I find it crazy that people have empathy for foster and adoptive parents and non-foster youth, but foster youth don’t get any empathy at all. If you experienced abuse, would you want others to label you as an abuser and reject you? Of course not! Let’s stop doing this to older foster youth.

Many celebrities are CSA victims but I don’t see anyone saying mean things about them or calling them abusers who will go on to abuse. You have empathy for them and see them as victims.

Bashing and creating false narratives about abuse, really fu@# up a person’s sense of self and self-esteem. This is why many foster kids have issues now. No, you won’t know, but be prepared. The numbers don’t lie. Odds are YOU WILL get a child who’s a victim. It doesn’t matter what age. It is what you will do and how you treat the child moving forward that matters.

The Last Of Us

The girl who stars in the series The Last Of Us reminded me so much of our family friend’s daughter, Carmen. It was because these friends had a child that my husband was encouraged to want one too. In fact, we had two – both sons. I am so grateful they are part of our life. Having them was not an easy way to go into parenthood.

Towards the end of the series episodes, it is revealed the fraught situation of her birth. Her mother has by then become infected and begs a friend to end her life before the worst happens. She asks her to find someone to raise her daughter.

While the movie is grim, having just come through a pandemic and with our democracy on the line for an alternative vision of a future under an authoritarian dictatorship, it’s chilling. Survival and doing whatever has to be done to continue staying alive. We need to vote in November to help allow a better future to unfold for us all – a more equal and provided for life for every person.

Evolving Perspectives

I know that my perspectives have evolved since I began learning about my own genetic roots. I don’t know how many of these blogs I have written but they do in some way reflect my own journey to understanding adoption trauma. Ass the child of 2 adoptees, I understand how not knowing anything about your own family history feels. And what a struggle it is to find some peace with the relatives I grew up with who are not actually genetically related to me.

Today, I read a lament from a woman about what her perspectives were in the past before she learned the realities of the adoption marketplace. She compared her thoughts in 2013 (my evolution began in 2017) with what she understands today. She writes –

In the past, I never understood the entitlement that people had, which allowed them to adopt babies. I didn’t understand why pro-lifers weren’t fostering or adopting children who already had their parental rights terminated. The story that was on the radio broke my heart. I heard older children in foster care talking about wanting a family, so they had somewhere to go for Christmas and Easter – or just to celebrate life with, as they grow up into adulthood. And I used the term unwanted baby – not even realizing that an unwanted pregnancy doesn’t mean that the baby wasn’t wanted. I didn’t know anything about how Child Protective Services would try and terminate parental rights for babies, so that the people who were fostering to adopt could get the babies they wanted.

Now I look at my old post from 2016 and think how insensitive and dehumanizing it is to bring adoptees into the abortion debate. I wish every kid had a home that was safe and loving. And more than that I wish that every home had the ability to be safe and loving. I wish first families had the resources that adoptive and foster families are given. I wish people didn’t look at parents facing poverty and tell them they should never have had children, instead of making a social safety net available to every family.

Her wishes are my own (this blogger’s) wishes as well.

Failed Plan B

Not my own story but for today – I am pregnant and have been contemplating adoption. However, I joined a group to cautiously explore that option and I’ve definitely had a change of heart after considering adult adoptee voices on the issue of adoption trauma.

I’m now 32 weeks into a pregnancy. I conceived after a failed Plan B. I immediately got on Depo-Provera (medroxyprogesterone acetate, a contraceptive injection containing the hormone progestin). When I went back 3 months later, they tested me before getting my next shot and I got a positive for pregnancy.

I have NO support system. I’m a single mom with 6 kids (3 are grown). I won’t have a baby shower as I have no friends or family support. I’m not working at the moment because this is a difficult pregnancy. I’m not excited at all. I haven’t purchased my baby anything or even begun to make a list of what I need. I guess my emotions are in control right now and as bad as I don’t want another child, I have to come to realization that this baby is coming regardless.

Has anyone felt this sense of hopeless disinterest and then had a change of heart, once they saw their baby? I guess I’m wondering when these negative feelings will pass. Also, how am I going to be able to afford to bring this baby home? Diapers, wipes, clothes, blankets, car seat…The necessities alone are overwhelming. I’m feeling defeated right now and I don’t even know if words of encouragement will help…But it’s worth a shot.

Helpful Response – You’ve got this! This part of your life is so temporary! Remember how, when your other kids were young, them growing up felt so far away? You’ll find a new village and support system in your new stage of life. You’re allowed to have all these feelings! There are Facebook pay nothing groups, search your city, then mom’s group or just look for the page. I live near a bigger city, so I joined that one too. It’s garage sale season here, so check on those, and Facebook Marketplace! When I had my first son I had NOTHING. My sister found someone on Craigslist who gave me everything for him. This season is so short. I know it’s scary, but you deserve to feel joy in this! I’m sorry that it’s not what you planned, that’s so hard! I could never have imagined that my son and I would be where we are today – the day I took that pregnancy test. You are doing such a good job as a mom already – just for reaching out! Asking for help and advice is not easy!! Take it hour by hour, sometimes a day at a time is too much. I live for finding stuff on Marketplace, search for baby stuff! We also have a local group supporting babies and moms. It was amazing. They helped find state/county services and offered support with baby items and even did weekly weigh-ins for tiny babies! You could search for something like that online too. I know googling can get overwhelming too, so know you can always reach put for help with that too, if just looking at a screen is too much. This season is temporary!

Regardless Of How

Whether you sought out adoption or it dropped in your lap, you STILL adopted and that makes you complicit in separating a family.

Stop using phrases like:

We didn’t know better
We didn’t buy a baby, the baby was offered to us
The birthmother decided, not us

After your initial involvement, if your first thought everyday when you woke up or every night when you went to sleep or every moment in between, was that a mother was separated from her child or vice versa, and that it was a heart wrenching thing that should never happen – guess what, you are still complicit. It does not matter what the natural mother said to you or her family or anyone else involved said that caused it to happen. The simple FACT is that anyone separating these 2 people, that only knew each other throughout the pregnancy, is NOT NORMAL. You honestly should have known that instinctively. If you didn’t, that is on you for not looking deeper before doing it. And if you did research it but pushed it down, you are selfish.

An adoptee writes – Know what my adoptive mom always said to me ? “I had 3 boys and I wanted a girl.” She makes no apologies. It’s selfish AF and she knows it. She fully admits how selfish she was. Times were different then. People truly did not know about adoption trauma. It matters not to her though. She knows she should have known – because logically, it makes perfect sense that a mother and child should not be separated. She fully admits she was thinking only of herself and not of my natural mom. At the very least, as selfish as that is, at least she owns it all without BS excuses.

When The Next Baby Come Along

It’s a longish story, so I’ll try to summarize it. A woman with 2 biological sons was approached by a couple at church to adopt their grandchild. At first, she expected the biological mother to change her mind but it didn’t happen and she ended up with the baby girl. However, it was all a very open adoption until . . .

That little girl is now 9 years old. Her first mother has had another baby and has ceased all contact. She plans to never tell her new daughter that she gave up a previous baby for adoption. Her husband is supportive, even though he knew this other daughter existed before they got married. The grandparents and other extended family vehemently disagree with this decision and remain very much involved with the adoptive mother and this older daughter. However, the adopted daughter asks regularly about her biological mother and her “baby sister.” The rules were changed for us in the middle of the game. What can I do to prevent her from feeling abandoned, causing more psychological and emotional damage to her? The involvement from her biological mother’s extended family complicates things. It brings questions every time there is any interaction with them.

From an adoptee – There’s nothing you can do about the damage her first mother is doing to her. Don’t focus on it. Give your daughter all the love and support she deserves. At this point, speaking hard truths with grace about her mom and drawing boundaries to protect her will take wisdom. I’ve had to walk this road from 10 to now. I’m 40. My natural parents gave me up for adoption with some expectations that I did not meet. Sometimes, if I look at the cold hard facts, there is a sadness and anger that comes, but my adopted parents loved me. I am so thankful for that. It had made me strong enough to look at the hardness of life but also taught me mercy so that I don’t lash at people because of the hurt done to me. Truth and mercy. They should always go hand in hand.

From a trans-racial international adoptee – having lovely adoptive parents doesn’t necessarily mean there is no trauma. When we refer to as “adoption is a trauma”, we’re talking about the relinquishment (especially at birth), the removal from biological family (even with “open” adoptions) & the legal severing of all biological ties. You can be the most trauma-informed adoptive parent who centers the adoptee and the adoptee can still have trauma. For example, your daughter refers to the baby as her “baby sister” but legally speaking, they aren’t sisters. You should consider that to be trauma. You can’t prevent adoption trauma from happening, when the adoption has already taken place.

From a woman adopted by kin – relinquishment is trauma, even when done as carefully as possible. THIS is a whole other level of heartbreak. It makes me sad and angry for her, that she now has to face being completely abandoned by her mother… especially with the reason being that she now wants to lie to the younger baby and pretend the other daughter never existed. She’s doing a major disservice to them both. The young mother also has some trauma. Even if she pulled herself together and got on with her life, even if she says she’s moved on, even if she acts like a giant brat – in spite of all that – it was trauma for HER to give away her baby. She gives clues when she mentions not wanting the new baby to know. She is judging HERSELF for what she did. Whether she deserves that judgment or not, isn’t the point. The point is that we live in denial and continue to make more bad decisions, when we refuse to face the judgment we make against ourselves. She feels like a horrible person for giving away her child, but she isn’t allowing herself to acknowledge that feeling. It comes out in her fear of being judged by her new baby. She can’t stomach the idea of that. So she’s hiding her mistakes. The option of therapy was avoided and stigmatized by the people who raised me. I stuffed it all down and put on the good, grateful face. It all began bubbling up when I became a mother. Figuring out trauma as a new parent is FAR from ideal, but it often comes to the surface when we become parents. Go ahead and get help for the child long before that. Brace yourself. Her mother has fully abandoned her and is planning to pretend to have a happy, perfect family with a new baby. It’s a multi-layered loss. Not only is she losing her mother, she’s also losing the chance to know the new sibling. You are the mother figure in her life. The chances that you will catch the fall-out and flack from the onslaught of emotions is pretty high. Please prepare yourself to recognize that trauma responses are NOT misbehavior.

The adoptive mother says – I would rather her not have known about the baby had I saw this coming. But the kinship adoptee responds with the hard reality – I can understand why you say you’d rather she not know about the baby, since it’s causing additional pain. As mothers, we want to help them avoid big pains like this whenever possible. But I’d like to gently caution you against that thought as well. Her sibling is part of her truth. For right now, it is extremely painful to know about the baby… but not knowing would be the greater injustice. The people who raised me hid parts of my story from me. They thought they were doing the right thing, I guess because they thought I couldn’t handle knowing. Every time some new part of my story came out, it was a huge blow – not just because it was new information, but also because they’d kept it from me. It destroyed all of my confidence in them. They were still withholding my truths from me when I was in my 30s!

One last one from the child of an adoptee – Is it possible that her family coerced her into placing her first born up for adoption? How much contact did you have with your daughter’s mom before she went into labor? You said the grandparents approached you at church – of all places. It sounds like the kind of family that would pressure and talk her into something like that. My dad was adopted at birth, his mom was 13 (that is literally all we know). The first mother definitely has trauma, if that were the case. The adoptive mother answers – I really don’t know. When we arrived at hospital 48 hrs after the birth, we talked to the mother and she said she was too young and didn’t know who the father was … but I can’t say, if she was coerced.

Trans and Adopted

I will admit that I don’t have a solution other than the “acceptance” in my image as I have not had to respond to an issue of this kind so far in my lifetime. I do know someone who did a great job of handling this with grace that I deeply admire. Today’s story from an adoptive mother (not my own story) –

What do you do when a kid’s mom is transphobic, and that kid wants a relationship with their mom more than anything? Mom refuses to talk on the phone but will usually respond to Facebook messages, which aren’t frequent at child’s choice. Child wants more contact but also knows mom doesn’t accept her and it’s a constant balancing act I think.

Mom’s Facebook got hacked and I had to locate her new one. She had unfriended me (but would still message) – so, I felt conflicted about finding her because I wasn’t sure she wanted to be found. Child wanted to send her a Mother’s Day message. It was the first time we had reached out since she got a new Facebook.

Mom responded (it’s been at least a year since the last contact) and says thank you and she loves and misses her but she will never accept her as a girl and she will always be her son.

I’m ashamed to admit I went off. I could not believe this was what she had to say after so long without contact and I know daughter is going to be gutted. She’s been asking all day, if her mom responded and I can’t face her right now. I apologized to her mom and said I don’t want to fight, that we envisioned a life of lots of visits and summers spent with her and daughter is so upset mom refuses to talk to her and is going to be completely devastated when I read her the message.

The bottom line is that mom should never have lost her daughter, and when I found mom and heard her story (post adoption, agency said they couldn’t locate mom and I read something about names being spelled wrong on birth certificates which allowed me to finally find mom) I was all for working towards reunification. But that’s never even be on the table because of the transphobia.

I find myself continually wanting to convince mom she’s being ridiculous (transphobia is so far from our reality in our progressive bubble that I literally cannot wrap my head around it, we didn’t even blink when daughter came out), but I also know she’s a victim of this situation.

Questions – How do I tell daughter her mom’s response? (She has an adoption competent therapist who is also LGTBQ+ competent). How do I help daughter balance this? I want to support her relationship with mom and I’m also so angry at mom for letting this come between her and the child that was taken from her.

An adoptee responds – I have to question whether information is missing here.

“I’m ashamed to admit I went off.” — what does this mean? It is a balancing act when you are dealing with prejudiced people but actions that cause tension between the child and its natural parent(s) do not happen in a vacuum. When the original poster doesn’t voluntarily own up to how they went off in the post, I also have to question other details. Why did the birth mother unfriend the adoptive mother on Facebook? What is this adopter saying about the child’s first mother ?

“[She] is going to be completely devastated when I read her the message.” The adoptee asks – Is the adoptive mother going to read the message(s) she sent berating the original mother ? Let’s be honest, I doubt it. Also, why even read the message in the first place ? The message is a response to a conflict with the adoptive mother, not a rejection letter addressed to the adopted person.

It is unfair to the child that their original is prejudiced against trans people. It is just as, if not more, unfair to the child that the adoptive mother seems to be self-victimizing, rather than self reflecting. “Poor me, I got unfriended on Facebook ! I don’t know how I’m going to tell this child how awful her birth mother is ! I envisioned a life of lots of visits !”

This kid’s transition seems to have came as a surprise to her first mother. The fact that she is upset about a gender transition taking place COULD be coming from a a place of prejudice. (It probably is, at least to some extent.) It also COULD be coming from a place of being blindsided. One day her kid is gone, the next day her kid is a different person. The adopters “don’t even blink” when this transition happens, probably because in some ways they see it coming. Now her kid is gone and on top of that appears to be a completely different person. Why should she be expected to adjust to such a massive change so quickly? In her eyes, she lost a little boy and will never get him back now — even if she comes to accept the child’s gender identity. Maybe this kid is the first trans person her first mother has ever known and it just takes time for her to accept the child’s identity.

I am not saying any of this to rationalize or justify transphobia. I am saying that the adoptive mother needs to look at this situation contextually. To understand the first mother is a human, living in different circumstances and engaging in different social circles. To get someone to see the “progressive” side of an issue, the answer is not to berate them for not understanding things the way you do. Maybe you have been exposed to different people and ideas that her first mother hasn’t been exposed to as quickly, if at all. Maybe her first mother would’ve been more accepting of her child’s transition had the child been with her all along. Maybe not. In either case, this adoptive mother should be probably be in therapy herself, if she are not already. There is much more to this issue, I believe, than they’re willing to admit to themselves. At the very least, this is not strictly a transphobia issue.

I think it is an awful idea for this adopted person and her original mother to continue communicating through an intermediary. This has clearly rubbed her mother the wrong way, fair or unfair. Her original mother probably would not be communicating the way she’s presently communicating (even if the transphobia remains) when communicating directly with the adopted person. A hostile message sent to an intermediary in the midst of conflict is not a letter of rejection addressed to the adopted person. This adopted person deserves the ability to speak directly with her original mother and get it straight from her. Even if she receives a direct, bigoted rejection, that would bring resolution in the long run, even if it caused more short-term pain. When you get a “rejection” through intermediaries (and I put this in quotes because again, the original mother’s message was sent to the adoptive mother, not the child), there are always questions of whether the rejector would say these things to your face. Whether details are embellished to villainize or paint people in a better light. Clarity is only achieved through direct communication.

Memoir by Daniel Stedfast

I saw a mention of this book and thought I’d look into it. At one time, I had hoped to publish a memoir about my own root journey due to having two adoptee parents. I don’t know if he self-funded his publication of this, many do. Self-funding is not my plan after hearing some friend’s own stories about their own attempts.

In a LINK>speech in Connecticut regarding SB 113, Stedfast said – The family of an adopted person feels the
impact of “not knowing” just as strongly. Knowing there is information about me on file that I am not entitled to is not right in America. Also – We have missed many decades of time together that cannot be replaced. (blogger’s note – I can relate to all of that.)

Here is a LINK>to reviews for this book at Amazon. They are all generally good. Most focus on the music of that era. Stedfast was born in 1953, I was born in 1954. Music was a huge part of my growing up years (still is an important part of my life today) though I didn’t rub elbows with the more famous groups like he did. The closest I came was, for a time, hanging out with Ingrid Berry (daughter of Chuck) and the Joint Jumpers. Really I was there more to dance to the band’s music than hang out with her but she was with the band and kindly tolerated my presence.

Ingrid Berry pretty much as I remember her