The Adoptee’s Burden

So a hopeful adoptive mother asked about gender preferences when adopting. An adoptive mother responded honestly – Your perfect little girl is not going to come from adoption. Adopted children are traumatized and are not there to fulfill our dreams. If you heart wouldn’t be in it with a boy, I would think very carefully about what you’re going into. We are not shopping for children here. I am sorry if this sounds harsh but hard truths are something hopeful adoptive parents need to hear.

One foster parent noted – It seems that they want a specific gender based on their fantasy for what life will be– they are essentially bringing a child into their home with a job/responsibility (i.e., to fulfill that fantasy). The question becomes: what happens if that child doesn’t fulfill that fantasy? I honestly feel the same way when parents have strong reactions at gender reveals.

blogger’s note – I grew up in a family with female siblings. My first child was a daughter. Then, in my second marriage, with a husband who grew up with male siblings, we ended up with 2 boys. I will admit to some gender shock and understand the origin of the word boisterous. Raising them is the greatest privilege and responsibility of our lives, whatever they end up being – non-binary, intersex (a person born with a combination of male and female biological traits), etc LOL See below for what caused my comment.

A person commented – I find that most people with a strong gender preference are more focused on expecting their kid to fit a certain gendered idea. A really narrow reason that feels somewhat legit to me is a single parent or same sex couple who feel better equipped to help a child of the same sex navigate things like puberty and some of the different challenges the world throws at boys vs girls. I can certainly say I find the idea of teaching my daughters about periods and the importance of being aware of the dangers of diet culture much less intimidating than I would find the idea of teaching sons how to navigate male puberty and various kinds of toxic masculinity. (But I’m married to a cis man, so if we’d had a boy, he could talk to his dad about some of this stuff. And otherwise I would just be spending a lot more time doing research to figure it out.)

Post-Partum Depression

Giving a baby after giving birth is not the end of the story for many birth mothers. To be fair, there are a lot of links about adoptive mothers suffering post-adoption depression. Mostly due to unrealistic expectations about getting what they wanted. Some become depressed because adopting didn’t fix their underlying issues. Few think about the birth mother after she gives up her baby. Post adoption depression is the depression that a woman feels when her child is adopted away from her.

The reported rate of clinical postpartum depression (PPD) among new mothers is between 10-20%. In many cases of postpartum depression occurs within four to six weeks after birth because of the extreme hormonal changes; however, symptoms can appear up to 18 months after birth. Many birth mothers believe that they can’t experience postpartum depression after adoption. However, postpartum depression after adoption is as common.

I found content at this website – LINK>Texas Adoption Center – helpful for discussing the issue. There is much more there than I have time to cover in this blog today.

What are the signs that you are experiencing post-partum depression after giving up your baby ? Postpartum depression is defined as an episode of major depression associated with childbirth. Almost 600,000 women are diagnosed with postpartum each year and many cases of PPD go undiagnosed and untreated.

The symptoms of regular and delayed PPD are the same. However, the symptoms of postpartum depression and the “baby blues” are different. The “baby blues” refers to the feelings of sadness, worry, fatigue, and self-doubt that nearly 80% of birthmothers feel after delivery. This typically only lasts for a few days or weeks and resolves on its own.

In postpartum depression, estrogen and progesterone levels decrease significantly after delivery. As you work to balance the physical and emotional demands of giving birth and placing your baby for adoption, these changes can affect the chemistry of your brain. Physical exhaustion, sleep deprivation, self-esteem issues, and the emotions of making the best decision for you and your baby play a significant role in developing delayed PPD. Postpartum depression after adoption is similar to other episodes of depression that can occur during life. While the “baby blues” typically go away within 10-14 days, PPD is characterized by a daily loss of interest and joy in life that lasts.

The most common signs include:

Loss of interest in activities you used to enjoy
Weight gain or loss that isn’t associated with your diet
Changes in your appetite
Unexplained crying or constant crying
Fatigue
Loss of energy
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or hopelessness
Changes in your sleep patterns
Suicidal thoughts or attempts

In addition to talking to a doctor or therapist (postpartum depression is a medical condition), you can be kind to yourself. Focus on your health and well-being. Don’t isolate yourself and be patient as you process such a major event in your lifetime.

Mother’s Day for Foster Moms

Definitely open to a wide interpretation, if you know anything about foster care.

Certainly, the Mother’s Day recognition coming this Sunday is on a lot of people’s minds. I was reminded of this today, as I read (not my own experience) –

My foster kids have been with me for three years. We are planning to adopt them but they don’t call me mom at all and never brought me a gift for Mother’s day. They call their birth mom their mom and keep making her gifts for Mother’s Day to give her and they’ve haven’t seen her for two years. I would have thought by now the kids would get the message she doesn’t care about them. I’m hurt because the one thing I would like, is be called mom, and I want to feel appreciated. I do not have any biological kids and my heart longed to be a mother after suffering infertility. It hurts me to hear the kids call their birth mom their mommy but me they call by my first name. I do everything a real mommy does but I don’t get the title as mommy or the recognition. I fear I will wake up on mothers day again empty handed and heartbroken. I’ve been told it is better to get children as young as possible. The older they are, the harder it is to break the attachment. I feel terrible that I’m jealous but it hurts that I’m taking care of these kids and they don’t even see me as a mom.

Then honesty in a reply, the more posts I see from other foster parents, the more I’m convinced many of us shouldn’t be foster parents and are unprepared to deal with trauma. The kids we foster have a mom already. We’re not their mom. We will never replace their mom. Support the kids getting their mom a gift for Mother’s Day and support them not calling you mommy. It’s about the kids – not us. In fact, foster parents should never encourage foster kids or expect them to call them mom and dad.

Legal Standing

Today’s story (not my own) – I’m completely distraught because my 2.5 year old nephew is being adopted by his foster parent. She has legal standing over us cause she’s had him over a year. I didn’t even know there was such a thing as foster parent standing. Regrettably we weren’t in a position to be able to take him in at the time he entered care (at age 1) and I will never forgive myself for that. I won’t go into details but I was going through my own struggles at the time and it wouldn’t have been fair for anyone, including my nephew and 4 young kids. But I torture myself day and night about it. Especially now….

My sister, my nephew’s mom, was murdered the day before Thanksgiving. She was in rehab for months last year. Following her plan and trying so hard. We truly thought she was getting him back and that we wouldn’t need to intervene. If only we knew then what we know now, everything would be different. Caseworkers, GAL, supervisors, lawyers were all no help. “Standing” and “bond” was all they kept saying. Lawyers wouldn’t even take the case; they advised me not to try to get custody because the foster parents would win and then our relationship would be damaged. Was I in the wrong here for trying to do this? Isn’t being with family what would be best for him long term? I understand he will have trauma either way unfortunately. But we did say if he came to us, the foster parents could still see him a lot too!! Hoping that would help him with the transition. With us, he could see his siblings, father, grandparents, etc more. He would have genetic mirroring. He would know all of his family history. We’d be able to tell him stories about his mom. How does a 1 year relationship with a foster parent trump a lifetime with biological family?!

The foster parent claimed she was gonna be “so open” and said “you’re not losing him.” All lies. She’s already stopped all communication, blocked me on Facebook, and refuses to allow me (and his grandfather) visits. How could someone treat a grieving family this way? I was never anything but kind to her! We are his safe, healthy, loving family. I can’t tell you how heartbroken I am. He is her first foster child and I should’ve seen this coming. When she found out we wanted to get custody, she said in a text to my mom, “I’m aware of the emails/calls/efforts but after nearly 18 months with me, I’ve been assured that it’s futile. Frankly it is very disappointing because I have been open about everyone staying in his life.” SHE’S disappointed? All our family feels is emptiness.

My mom has my nephew’s sister (since she was a toddler, now a young teen) who is devastated about this adoption as well. Everyday is a nightmare and everything feels hopeless. I already lost my sister and now I’m losing my nephew. It hurts so much some days that I don’t think I can endure it.

One adoptive parent suggested – File a motion to intervene with the county courts. Show up to all hearings and fight! It is required by law to rule out biological family first and most of the time that wins out over the child’s temporary bond with their foster parents.

One who was fostered from birth and later adopted notes -Self-centered people hang on very tight when they have a child that they assume will be “theirs” someday. The system is not about the child’s welfare. Sometimes it is about who has more money. That is the gold standard. In the larger scheme and meanings of life, money matters more than our genuine family members.

A Lifetime Of Wondering Why

It is not unusual to hear adoptees express this kind of feeling – Adoption damned me to a lifetime of wondering why ? Why didn’t you love me enough to stay ? Do I deserve love ? What is love ? Am I unlovable ?

When a mother breaks the bond the infant had with her, it’s tears away everything the infant knew. The child’s heart is like a broken record or a confused GPS constantly re-calculating and playing over and over again the trauma, trying to make sense of it.

We are given a connection at birth. The moment that a severing happens a new attachment is formed. Heartbeats heard for months comfort us as we lay skin to skin. A voice we fell asleep to in our water beds is clearer and easy to recognize. The hands that pressed against the womb like a window now cradle and caress us. They do so for years. Or as long as we let them. I was nothing to you and no one was that special someone to me again.

I used to look for you. Staring in the faces of strangers, trying to remember how you looked and praying my eyes would settle on the face my heart would remember. I used to sit in a fog, while other children played around me, with thoughts only for you. I used to lay awake at night in my bed and see the moon peeking through the window and despair that tomorrow was another day of looking. Another long night apart.

So yes, I do remember. Even now, decades later – my body, my soul, and my heart remembers. I have learned love and I have learned loss. I have learned to draw happy little stick families with a sticker heart border and “my family” scrawled at the top. I still remember being pressed against your chest with your hair and smoky breath swirling around me. Pressed against your chest until I couldn’t breathe and it was all warm and black and fuzzy – YOU.

I know where you are now. You are buried on the side of a mountain. I never found you again no matter how hard I looked and believe me I never stopped looking. I do plan to visit your grave someday. I want to stop my heart from looking. I want to say the goodbye I never got to say and I want to do it for the little girl who still remembers.

Blogger’s note – on my own “roots” journey to discover who my adoptee parents’ biological, genetic parents were, I have been able to visit the graves of my mom’s parents. And I did sit there next to their gravestones and pour my heart out with the good-bye’s I never had an opportunity to say, before then.

Reproductive Discrimination

Struck v Sec of Defense

This case straddles both the issues of abortion and adoption. Story courtesy of LINK>Teri Kanefield. You can read the entire essay at that link.

Susan Struck joined the Air Force at the age of 23 in 1967. The recruiter warned her that she would be discharged if she got pregnant. She was sent to Vietnam. When Struck learned she was pregnant, her commanding officer gave her a choice: Get an abortion or leave the Air Force. At that time, abortion was legal in the armed services. Struck refused an abortion on the grounds that she was Catholic — although a lapsed Catholic. She wanted to give her child up for adoption and remain in the Air Force.

According to Air Force regulations, when an officer became pregnant, a board of officers was convened to hear the case. On October 6, 1970, Struck appeared before the board and asked if she could use her accumulated leave to have the baby, arrange for the adoption, and then return. The board refused her request. A few weeks later, on October 26, the secretary of the Air Force reviewed the findings of the board and ordered Struck to be discharged effective October 28, 1970.

With the help of the ACLU in Washington state, Struck took her case to court. Colonel Max B. Bralliar, commanding officer of the Minot Air Force Base, testified that Struck “demonstrated excellent ability in the performance of the managerial aspects of the work units and an excellent knowledge and application of nursing care principles,” and that she was highly dedicated with a “professionally correct and mature attitude.”

Meanwhile, Struck returned home to have her baby and arrange for the adoption. She gave birth to a girl, who she called L.B., which stood for “Little Baby-san” or, if she was in a different sort of mood, “Little Bastard.” She selected the adoptive parents, Julie and Art, who agreed to Struck’s terms: the baby would be raised Catholic, and Struck would be allowed to visit. On December 10, 1970, the adoption was finalized. Julie and Art named the baby Tanya Marie.

On June 4, 1971, the district court ruled against her, so she appealed to the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit. Five months later, the Ninth Circuit affirmed the district court’s order. She filed a petition for rehearing, but was again denied. One of the judges dissented for two reasons: first, men with temporary periods of disability were not discharged, and second, he found it irrational that only the natural mother, not the natural father, was declared unfit for service after the birth of a child. With the dissent, the ruling was 2-1 against Struck.

Susan Struck wanted to take her case to the Supreme Court. Because Ginsburg was then the director of the ACLU’s newly-formed Women’s Rights Project, Struck’s case found its way to Ginsburg’s desk. Ginsburg thought Struck’s case was the perfect case to challenge abortion laws as unequal under the Fourteenth Amendment. The gender distinction in the Air Force policy made absolutely no sense. Once the baby was adopted and Struck was legally no longer a mother, there was no reason to deem her unfit for service.

Moreover, Struck’s case made two vital points: A woman should decide whether or not she would have an abortion, and abortion laws naturally discriminate on the basis of sex or gender. As Ginsburg said, nobody is for abortion. What people are for or against is a woman’s right to choose. For Ginsburg, the issue wasn’t about privacy. It was about autonomy. It was about a woman’s right to control her own life and her own body. Moreover, the facts would make the case unlikely to trigger a backlash.

Ginsburg planned to ask for a narrow ruling that would make the public aware of the issue without turning the abortion question into a hot political mess. To Ginsburg’s regret, as she was working on Struck’s case, another case–the case of Jane Roe–made it to the Supreme Court first. The 1973 Supreme Court decision in Roe v. Wade extended the right to privacy to the right to have access to an abortion.

Ginsburg believed the Court’s ruling was too broad. The sweeping decision caused the abortion laws of forty-six states that restricted abortions to be instantly rendered unconstitutional, even the most liberal of them. Ginsburg feared the decision would turn the issue into a political one, mobilizing the pro-life movement.

Falsehoods Are Common

A CPS lawyer is arguing that her clients (social workers) didn’t know that
you cannot lie in court in order to take a parents’ children away from them.

This came up in a thread where someone questioned – The mother was 19, they put her age as 16. I was 17 when this was dated, but this family wasn’t made known to me until March, 2018. 6 months into the pregnancy after being excluded prior. I am just wondering why her age isn’t what it actually was and if anyone has any ideas as to why she was listed as being younger? The dates are also listed differently.

I don’t really know the answers to this specific situation but I saw this behavior back in the mid-1930s in the surrender papers prepared by Georgia Tann related to my mom’s adoption. The ages of my genetic maternal grandparents were deliberately misrepresented as were the occupations of my grandparents.

It was noted – There’s quite a few court cases on YouTube where child protection workers were caught lying and forging documents to the courts or injecting themselves into families. There are so many lawsuits.

One person noted – The information packet my sister received also had false information like this. I believe this is a common practice in adoption. It was supposed to contain her identifying information and it was this bizarre package of lies and it was literally redacted in a lot of parts. I had no idea things like that happened in adoption until she showed me her redacted information package of lies and she told me how common it actually is for information to be falsified. It makes it more difficult for the adoptee to get to the truth/find their biological families.

One youth/family counselor wrote – When working with kids who are involved with Div of Children and Family Services (in Illinois specifically) I’ve experienced my kids caseworkers and the supervisors changing constantly. I really believe a lot of the records that are kept are incomplete and false because of high staff turnover rate, low oversight, rampant unchecked bias, and pure laziness on behalf of a lot of the workers. They care a lot less about the paperwork being true and more about it matching whatever case they are arguing to the judge. It’s maddening and makes it difficult for EVERY entity involved to know what is even going on. That is absolutely insane, and a very clear example of how harmful it is that these adults (Child Protective Services workers/shady adoption agencies) simply don’t care to make sure the information is truthful or correct for the kids’ sake at ALL. The paperwork serves them, not the kids. None of it serves the kids.

An advocate notes – They just flat out lie and there was actually a case about it in California, I believe where they argued the right to lie. While some cases may be due to understaffing, a lot of it is just flat out corruption. They want that Title IV funding (LINK>Title IV-E – Federal Payments for Foster Care and Adoption Assistance) and they have to destroy families to get it. It always shocks me when people act like CPS/DHS/Adoption agencies aren’t corrupt. Because they are. Systematically. It is insane how many families have told me stories like this. It is absolutely a product of how the system is set up.

I’ve Seen The Damage

In my young adulthood, I saw some of the worst. Any substance addiction is not an easy nut to crack. It’s impact on parenting can’t be denied. Today’s story asks this question – Is it possible to support someone in parenting in ways that are physically and psychologically safe while that person is using meth?

A family friend who is incarcerated has a baby who has been in foster care since birth. The baby will be returned to her when the mother gets out of prison when the baby is about a year old. A parent-child rehab program will be provided, follow up substance use disorder programs will be offered, and the mother has access to familial financial support as well as support with housing and childcare (though she has currently declined childcare assistance). But she permanently lost custody of her first child due to inadequate care of the infant as a result of daily meth intoxication, and I want to ensure that that doesn’t happen again. She has had relapses every time she has left prison or rehab or psych facilities throughout her entire adolescence and adulthood (but she is a very young adult). I hope she doesn’t resume use, but I was wondering if anyone had any advice for helping her keep and take good care of her baby/ toddler even if she continues to struggle with addiction to the point that eliminating use of meth is not possible for her.

A physician comments – Being under the influence of drugs is NEVER safe. There is NEVER a safe amount of use that is ok. You can’t hit “the pause button” in being the person that is responsible for child while you get high and think that your entire constitution and judgment isn’t taxed and under the influence for a considerable amount of time after. If you are still using, then do not trust yourself that you are actually caring for your self, and much less adequately caring for additional humans who are critically growing and very needy, independent beings.

However, another person had a very different perspective – you see it at its worst. You don’t see it functioning day to day. Big difference. My SIL was a functioning parent with substance use disorder for decades. My neighbor as well. Many others I have known. It’s like anyone dealing with chronic disease. They need support.

The doctor responded – I deal with addicts, families, social workers, lawyers every single day. That’s 70% of who is in an ICU bed right now that we are caring for and all paying for. Yes, I agree they do need support 100%. They do not need to be responsible for a child while *using* drugs. Blessing to your SIL to have a support system around her, like a loving family that cares enough to do that. Most addicts do not have what your SIL has. That is not the reality of most people in this world, and one of the reasons they get into addiction to begin with. There is no such thing as a safe amount of drugs. It doesn’t work like that. Your brain gets rewired and your judgment is altered.

To which the person responded – I am so tired of people not understanding that there are people that are functional but still struggling with substance use disorder. They hear the word drugs and they make some serious assumptions about the person. I am going to “not all” here because I am so tired of the assumptions being made when it comes to substance use disorder.

Many have a support system for when they are active that keeps children safe. Being that support system is important. I didn’t see one comment from anybody saying that the original poster should be a support system. The only thing I’m seeing is people saying “nope can’t parent” “drug user? can’t parent”. People parent with disabilities that can also put children at risk, but nobody says a thing about them losing their kids.

Functional drug use IS a thing ! Stop making broad brush stroke assumptions of those challenged with substance use disorder !

Bottom line, there is this – The safety of the child has to come first. If someone is actively using they are at risk for psychosis (and if you haven’t seen that in someone you love I pray you never do). Absolutely the most terrifying thing I’ve ever seen and I felt unsafe as an adult being around someone in that state. It’s extremely dangerous for the child if the parent is seeing things that aren’t there, having delusions, etc. If you know someone is actively using around a small child you should either be intervening yourself or reporting them.

Recovery is possible and family and friend support play a big role in that. Just because someone has relapsed doesn’t mean they will again. It also doesn’t mean they will be using around their child. It’s great that’s she’s willing to go into treatment with baby. I would do everything you can to support her and let her know you see her beating the odds and are proud of her if you have the kind of relationship you can talk about those things.

And there was this advice – Her focus should be finding employment with medical insurance so that she is not on welfare and is not a target for state intrusion. She should focus on taking care of her children, being physically active and healthy, join a gym, exercise, garden, take care of her house. Keep the rif raf away from her house. Maintain normal hours – no rotating cast of strangers through the house – no visitors after 10 pm. Work hard at maintaining a schedule and sticking to it. She probably has ADHD and should get medication like Ritalin or Wellbutrin for it, which will address chemical imbalances that she has. She has to work extra hard at keeping up appearances – she’ll be held to a higher standard of care than other mothers. She can’t mess up. Nothing is worse for a child than having their parent taken away from them and even if she cannot take care of her child full time, every effort should be made to have her do as much as she possibly can for her child as a parent, not as a visitor.

I’ll end with this observation – it is hard to overcome generations of addiction, mental illness, and poverty. It’s just not simple.

Doesn’t Care Whatsoever

An adoptive mother writes – my son has had a very strained relationship with his first mother. He has asked her not to contact him and she has repeatedly done so. She recently reached out again and it upset him quite a bit. He messaged her again, telling her to leave him alone and let him move on. I’m afraid for him in the future, if all this blocking on social media occurs, what happens if he changes his mind in the future ? I want to help keep the lines of communication open, so that he can be free to contact her, if he wants to in the future. I really don’t want to block anyone. What would you do in this situation ? I don’t want to force him to be uncomfortable or have to have contact, but I also don’t want those doors to get closed.

An adoptee suggests – I would get your adopted son an adoption informed therapist. I would also examine how your attitude and foundational thought framework shapes how your son views and deals with this situation. I would 100% support your adopted son’s own autonomy on who he chooses to spend his time with and even block. That being said, his request and expectation for you to block her feels off. I believe you can demonstrate healthy boundaries for yourself and as an adult that can see and consider the big picture and as a leader that doesn’t require completely cutting someone out you feel is important to be there or have a door open at some point. To me, it’s an exercise of bad boundary expectations and supporting an unhealthy control issue to expect for you to do so. I think you can respect and support your adopted son’s wish for him to block and not have contact, but I think you can assert your own mature boundaries that don’t involve the consequences of what blocking does and communicates. You blocking demonstrates you dropping down a middle school immaturity level with your own affairs. It makes sense for your son to act like a middle schooler, because he is. You are not.

Another adoptee writes – I don’t want to hear from my mom and she uses other people to get to me. It’s hard enough without being triangulated on top of everything. Listen to him. Don’t engage with her. Say exactly what you said here, you don’t want to close the door permanently but he needs space right now and you’re going to respect his wishes. Leave it at that until further notice. Your loyalty is to him, not to her. Not everyone wants a relationship with their biological parent.

Is It ?

Adoption is often compared to human trafficking by adoptees and birth mothers. It is easy to see the connection – money is exchanged and a baby is tendered.

“Adoptions resulting from crimes such as abduction and sale of and trafficking in children, fraud in the declaration of adoptability, falsification of official documents or coercion, and any illicit activity or practice such as lack of proper consent by biological parents, improper financial gain by intermediaries and related corruption, constitute illegal adoptions and must be prohibited, criminalized and sanctioned as such.” ~ UN Human Rights Office of the High Commissioner

One thoughtful response was this – We can no longer afford to ignore those who have been taken, stolen, and trafficked through adoption / for adoption. There are far too many who are victims of war crimes, colonization, and cultural genocide to dismiss the fact that adoption is a criminal industry.

Human trafficking is not just sex trafficking. Multiple sources have indicated the fastest growing criminal industry in the world is the buying and selling of people. It is a $150 billion dollar industry. Surrogacy is a $14 billion dollar market already. It is projected to increase to $129 billion within the next ten years.

This is the future of adoption. While we argue amongst ourselves, the industry continues to grow and expand into new markets. We think we are winning this war as adoption programs are being investigated and closing. However, the industry is simply refining it’s operations and shifting markets.

Understand that adoption was created as a cover for human slavery and human trafficking over 400 years ago. Read Adoption: What You Should Know by Dr. Janine Myung Ja (Vance) for this important history of the adoption industry. (Essay LINK>Dear Adoption, Don’t Use Me from Janine’s twin sister, Jenette Yamamoto)

What we’re up against in the U.S. is that the government has taken a narrow definition of human trafficking as sexual exploitation and forced labor. Monetization of social media content based on the child’s adoption, and turning them into “child influencers” is not considered human trafficking for forced labor in the U.S. simply because they were “adopted” and not trafficked.