Author: debyemm

Who Is Really Responsible

Sharing some intelligent and knowledgeable thoughts today (no, not my own but so good, I had to share) –

Responsibility In Adoption

WHO IS REALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR FORCED ADOPTIONS?

A few people make the point that sometimes foster parents are forced by the state to adopt their foster children. Since there was some demand for a topic addressing forced adoptions from foster care, I thought this topic was important. Let’s start with some language.

ARE FOSTER PARENTS FORCED OR ARE THEY COERCED?

According to the Oxford Dictionary, “force” includes situations where a person may be threatened into cooperating with an action they would prefer not to perform. In this way, you can say that adoptive parents are “forced” to adopt from foster care under some circumstances. But I think the word “coerced” is better because it is a more nuanced word that conveys the fact that while there were no good choices, adoptive parents still made a choice.

WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THESE FORCED ADOPTIONS?

There’s a who and there’s a what. Let’s start with the “what.”

What we’re talking about is the Adoption and Safe Families Act (ASFA), a Clinton-era law intended to encourage state agencies to find and secure permanent homes for children waiting in foster care following the termination of parental rights. This act provides Federal monies for state agencies for each child adopted out of foster care in a given fiscal year. In order to continue to receive this stipend, the state agencies must increase the number of adoptions compared to the previous year. Agencies, therefore, train their caseworkers to push for (or coerce) adoptions so that they continue to receive these federal funds for their services. The Adoption and Safe Families Act (ASFA) is largely responsible for the number of children in foster care waiting to be adopted as well as the coercion in adoption.

The “who” is the adoptive parent.

I know you don’t want to hear this. It is so much easier to blame someone else for your involvement in a system of oppression. But let me put this simply: You would not have been forced to adopt, if you had not been involved in foster care as a foster parent in the first place.

Leaving aside any feelings many of us have about adoption and foster care in the first place, this is factually true. The caseworker could not have coerced you to adopt, if you had not already been fostering, which most of you signed up for in the first place.

THE REALITY OF FORCED ADOPTIONS

They do happen. Period. But when we put the emphasis on adoptive parents, we shift the tragedy of forced adoptions away from the helpless party: The adoptee. We also shift the emphasis from the party who truly had no choice and was literally forced: The natural family. Because the adoptee didn’t choose to be in foster care — the adoptive (formerly foster) parent did. Because biological parents didn’t choose to engage with the system — the adoptive (formerly foster) parent did.

Before you argue that biological parents chose to engage with the system, sit down and listen. Please.

The Adoption and Safe Families Act (ASFA) demands a supply of children to be adopted out of foster care, and Child Protective Services uses increasingly aggressive techniques to source these children. Many children in the system, even post-Termination of Parental Rights, are in the system because their parents were facing temporary situations and then the system saddled them with requirements they simply could not complete. When parents don’t complete the objectives of their case plan, their rights are terminated. Their children may be adopted “for the sake of permanency.”

ADOPTIVE PARENTS AREN’T VICTIMS

It is harmful to adoptees and their original families when adoptive parents make themselves out to be the victims in adoption. Not only does this potentially (likely) harm the adopted child and/or their first family, but it prevents the adoptive parent from healing the parts of them that are wounded by whatever causes led them to adoption. You have to be responsible for your choices. Period. As a first mother who lost her children to CPS and is now in reunion, I strive to recognize that whatever I may feel, I am not the victim. My children were. For the sake of your child, keep things in perspective. In the long run, it will also help you.

BUT WHAT ABOUT KINSHIP ADOPTION?

Kinship adoption is a true tragedy. The majority of kinship adopters didn’t set out to foster or adopt in the first place and accept responsibility for a relative’s children to keep them out of the system. In many states, they are then threatened with stranger placement, if they don’t adopt their kinship child. Adoption isn’t the right answer, but keeping children with family has to come first whenever possible. No adopter gets a free pass, but if there is an argument that can be made that kinship adopters have almost no choice because they didn’t choose to participate in the system apart from the pressure applied by the need for care inside the family.

YOU CAN DO THE WRONG THING WHILE TRYING TO DO THE RIGHT THING

It’s easy for those suffering cognitive distortions (often as a result of childhood abuse and trauma) to believe that participating in a broken system makes them a bad person.

Nobody’s saying that. We recognize the choicelessness you felt when confronted with the option to either adopt or allow a child you care deeply for to be removed from your home to be adopted by strangers — and you may never see them again.

But it is important, for the sake of your adopted child — that you not make yourself the victim of some third party — especially when that third party is faceless and nameless (“the system”).

LET’S GET VISIBLE!

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A Lot Of Reasons

It is tricky not to feel rejected – today’s story (not my own) is from an adoptive mom.

I need suggestions on how to support my daughter. She is 8, but very wise. I also have her brother. We found their mom two-three years ago. The first time, contact didn’t last long due to mom. Now they have had a relationship for about 1 1/2 years. Initially they saw her at least weekly and talked on the phone multiple times a week. Then, she had a baby and recently got back custody of her oldest. The contact with my two is now sporadic. They were able to spend Christmas Day with her and her family. I understand why contact is less. I have told mom she takes the lead and I will do whatever. I know it is super hard for her for a lot of reasons. Some emotional and some just time constraints. I do what I can to make things easy and also, don’t want to be a nag or make her feel bad. I talked about this with my daughter and explained the why, as best I can. Unfortunately she still feels bad. And then, I get jealous for her, when I see her mom’s life with her other two. My daughter made a comment the other day that she was rejected by her family. I talked with her about it and told her in no way was she rejected and it wasn’t about her. I know what I say though doesn’t ease that thought.

One response was this – what stood out to me in this post was that her mom had a baby and got custody back of her oldest. That’s heavy. So in my mind and (hear me out) most likely every one else’s – you, as the adoptive parent, are the one standing in the way of full on reconciliation here. You can’t fix that unless you come to terms with that. Would this mom have her daughter back, if you didn’t legally adopt her and cut that option off ? She’s a middle child of 3 and the only child not with her mom. Yea there is a lot to unpack here and I think it starts with you. The adoptive mom’s response was –  I also have her brother, so the two middle children. But yes, I know. And mom and I briefly talked about it. Nothing serious. To which the follow on response was –  maybe a serious conversation needs to happen about these kids being re-adopted by their mother. ASAP.

From an adoptee – I am stuck on one sentence… “I have told mom she takes the lead and I will do whatever.” You know it’s hard, by your own words… Why are you not helping your children have a relationship with their mother by making it easier for her? I feel like you’ve set this up to be even harder for her – navigating life with a baby, reunification of an older child and trying to foster relationships with her children in your care. You’re in the position of power here. Make it easier for your children to have a relationship with their mother, and their siblings by actually doing things to make it easier for them. Stepping back just seems like such a cop out. You need to do the hard things for the children in your care. Make the calls. Set up times for them to get together in ways that don’t add extra stress to their biological family. This isn’t just their relationship to watch happen – as a primary adult in their life, you need to work at making this successful too. The adoptive mom responded –  I have. I have my kids make calls. They go unanswered. Or she will promise a call, overnight visit, day out whatever. Then when the time comes she ghosts. Doesn’t call or answer phone. I had my daughter call in Valentine’s Day. No answer or response to the voicemail. One suggestion from another was to include Grandma and this one shared – Please include any other family even if mom isn’t around. The boys I adopted, their mom is going through A LOT and has been for quite some time. But I have always kept contact with grandma. She’s the one that has been around the most and the one that I speak with the most. While she’s not around as much as I would like, it’s better than nothing. And one adoptee suggested – not having your daughter “call in” with that potential to be rejected. That’s so painful. If you call and her mother picks up and is happy to talk, then I think that would be the time to ask your daughter if she wants to connect (not vice versa).

My Mom On My Mind

Around the time my mom’s adoption was finalized

The credit for the existence of this blog actually belongs to my adoptee mom. She wanted to know the truth about her adoption through Georgia Tann in Memphis Tennessee in the 1930s. The state of Tennessee refused her that information and it was my intention that I would pursue it after she died, thinking it might be easier with the birth and adoptive parents as well as the adoptee no longer living. In some states like Arizona, Virginia and California that hasn’t made a bit of difference to the closed, sealed records. What my mother was never told is that a few years after her attempt, the state was then providing the records to the victims of Georgia Tann’s scandals. I learned the record would be available to me in 2017 from my cousin who was able to obtain her still living father’s record (the daughter of my mom’s adoptive brother, also adopted in Tennessee through Georgia Tann before her).

Unrelated to issues of adoption, I have been asked to give a 3 min presentation at a choral event today in the city of St Louis. In a sense, I will be alone in the spotlight for those 3 mins. I mention my mom twice during that short speech. Therefore, I feel my mom will “be there” with me today, even though she died back in 2015. I smile when I think of ALL of her impacts on my life. I was lucky to have such a devoted mother and even more lucky, she didn’t have to give me up from adoption when she turned up pregnant with me in high school. I am forever grateful for that good fortune, since I know so much about adoption related trauma now.

Today’s Tricky Situation

Regardless, they are not your mom and dad. When I was growing up, the close friends of my parents were called Aunt Nancy and Uncle Amos but they were NOT related to us. Truth is, because both of my parents were adoptees – none of the grandparents or aunts and uncles were actually related to us. Such relationships are often referred to as fictive kin – a relationship that a child has with “an individual who is not related by birth, adoption, or marriage to a child, but who has an emotionally significant relationship with the child.” Still the situation in today’s story comes up repeatedly and can be difficult to handle delicately.

Here is the story – We’ve had our neighbors’ children placed with us on emergency action this week. We have been heavily involved with them for about two years and the children are often here for dinner/breakfast and life in between.

Out of nowhere today (day 5 with us), they’ve started calling us Mom and Dad. How do we gently push back and encourage them to use our names or something else, without hurting their already confused hearts ?

My 7 year old (who came to us from foster care) brought her friend to me and said so & so “wants to call you mom, you don’t care if she calls you mom, do you?” and my heart sank for her and her actual Mom. I said “Well, there’s lots of names you could call me! You could call me by my first name or add ‘Aunty’ to it. You could even come up with a silly name for me. Totally up to you.” Her reply was “no thanks, Mom.”

First Time in Missouri

I have been following the overall baby box story for some time. Recently, I heard on the news here about the first time a baby has been surrendered at Missouri’s first and only baby box location. The baby was only several hours old, when the baby was put into the box on Feb 8th, at the Mehlville Fire Station.

The baby box was installed at Firehouse 2 in August of 2023. The fire chief says the district plans on installing another one at Firehouse 5. The goal is to have it ready by the end of next year. Fire Chief Brian Hendricks said they test the box every week. The firefighters were shocked when the alarm went off, but everything went smoothly.

It is said that the baby is safe and doing well, after being put under the care of the state for eventual adoption. The baby’s information has been subsequently put into the missing and exploited database, in case the child’s other parent wanted to file for reunification with the child. So far, the child has not been reported missing. The Safe Haven Baby Box allows for the legal safe surrender of a baby with complete anonymity.

If someone chooses to surrender their infant in the baby box, the door locks once the door closes. Alarms alert the location that a baby has been surrendered and personnel will retrieve the infant within five minutes. The infant will immediately be transported to the hospital for medical evaluation and will be with its adoptive family soon after. Families that want to adopt a Safe Haven baby should reach out to their local Department of Family Services to register for foster care.

The organization also has a National Hotline, 1-866-99BABY1. The hotline provides free, confidential counseling with expertise in each state’s Safe Haven Law.

Committing Fraud

Not my thoughts but I understand how this person feels and agree with the sentiments –

I would like to see further restorative action to press criminal charges against every state in the US that has and continues to withhold birth records, as well as for falsifying these official documents. IMHO these documents post-adoption aren’t your “original” birth certificates, these that are being withheld are your real, actual birth records. The “amended” or adoption certificates are not valid documents of your birth.

In fact, the state goes so far as to commit both birth certificate fraud and human trafficking by falsifying your birth records. Human trafficking involves deception and the falsification of official documents. The UN considers falsifying documents in their definition of “illegal adoption”. As investigations are uncovering falsifying documents in international adoption and governments are having to issue public apologies for their actions, where International Christian Adoptions adoptees are holding these countries accountable for their crimes, the US is not any different in falsifying these official documents.

It’s not just about restoring human rights to an entire population that has deliberately and systematically been commodified and dehumanized by these same states. Adopted people are not seen as human beings, we are commodities. These states have committed crimes and rather than being accountable, they have written and passed their own laws in order to legally protect themselves from being held accountable for their crimes. Falsifying documents is more than a violation of human rights, it’s a crime. It’s time the US is held to the same standard of accountability as other countries for committing such crimes as falsifying documents to conduct human trafficking through adoption.

Now a couple of thoughts from your blogger here –

Finally, this is a good question – Why are the original birth certificates are not being provided once an adopted person is an adult ? I believed when I tried for my dad’s with California – they just don’t want to do so much work. They don’t want to open those floodgates.

Also brought up – issues of inheritance. That was a factor for my adoptee mom and her adoptee brother when their adoptive parents died. Not that they were harmed but I understand there were laws specific to Texas regarding their circumstance of being adopted persons and that their adoptive parents could NOT disinherit them.

Sometimes The Pain Is Great

Black History Month

Trauma is stored in the DNA that is passed down through generations to descendants. One of the worst traumas that our country of the United States is guilty of is how long slavery lasted and how it was followed by Jim Crow laws. We still have a long way to go.

Today a Black mother who was coerced (and she is quick to note that coercion is not consent) but who believed lies about having an open adoption that would allow her ample contact with her son, who is being raised by white adoptive parents, was ranting. Her pain is palpable. My heart breaks as I read her words.

One hears echoes of that ancestral trauma in her first thoughts – Adoptees are bought and sold. You can change their name, their entire birth certificate & identity. They are then tasked with fulfilling the role you paid for them to fill.

She notes that due to this being a transracial adoption – it does not allowing the child’s body to give and receive all of the genetic input they would get with the biological parents, when they live & grow together. Instead the adoptive parents are fine with that and not because “the lifelong trauma of adoption + no genetic mirrors + maternal separation + finding out he was stolen and his parents wanted him back + unseasoned cultural trauma + possible religious trauma + the trauma of being transracially adopted & mean kids shit on him for it all throughout his life ” but believe he is better off than “2-3 years of trauma + therapy + reunification”.

What she seeks is that they give the child back to its biological family, noting that is not abandonment, it’s reunification. Also that a child will still seek out their true parents, even when raised by genetic strangers.

Counseling On Adoption Trauma

Today’s question – Do you feel like you were informed or educated on adoption trauma prior to adoption/guardianship ?

A mom who gave her child up for adoption answers – I was never offered counseling nor thought to seek it. When I did google information on adoption back then, nothing about trauma came up. If I had known then what I know now, I never would have done it. I have regretted it every single day of my life and will until the day I die. In response, someone noted – Those sentiments in a conversation with an adult child. Feelings of having been coerced (universally common in agency adoptions). Regret. Loss. Honestly expressing these may go a long way to help her and the child heal as they come out of the fog. An adoptee who also surrendered a child to adoption adds –  It was incredibly healing to hear similar from my mom, and having that conversation with my son brought us even closer. What would have been unbelievably hurtful would have been to hear that my mom was happy she gave me away. 

The experience is different when adopting through foster care – an adoptive parent answers –  Yes and no. The agency we adopted through, the program we did, was mostly older (in the adoption world) placements through foster care. So yes, there was a lot of information about trauma. I felt very well educated and very well informed. We read a lot of books, had a lot of mental health resources already in place, attended trainings, etc. I am also a psychiatric nurse, so I had exposure to it already. That being said, there was still a lot of focus on the trauma being prior to adoption or early in adoption process. Since we were educated on how important birth family was, to honor that loss and grief, keep connections, and knew not to punish behaviors that were from trauma, utilize/provide resources for the children and ourselves etc, then everything would be rainbows and unicorns eventually. (Reality check – it is NOT that false narrative.)

Another adoptive parent shares –  No. The Dept of Social Services (DSS) didn’t give any information, but I had studied adoption trauma in grad school. DSS was actually “shocked” when I said that my foster daughter needed therapy. Thankfully, we were referred to an OUTSTANDING doctor who dealt almost exclusively with adoption trauma, including Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD).

One who has guardianship notes – there was nothing. The judge signed the order and I had to figure it out from there. Child Protective Services stopped in one time to make sure we were minimally sufficient and we had one call from the court investigator. There was no support or information given. I actually find it really frustrating because when we finally did get a little support it was like a quarter of the amount foster parents get. And I was trying to keep a family member out of the system. To become a foster parent there were multiple classes. I’m not sure if they were actually as unhelpful as I remember but the whole process was overwhelming (I was 20, my cousin was going into foster care, long term guardianship was denied and we had to get approved, so he didn’t go to strangers). I’ll be honest. I was not trauma informed at all. I didn’t have a great understanding of addiction, mental health and trauma. As we get closer to adopting (a separate kin placement 6 years later) there has been a lot more information but we haven’t been offered counseling specifically. There was a two day adoption class through the state that was actually really informative and had people from all parts of the triad there to speak. We have cared for older children but it was a fight to get services for them and one child that needed medication wasn’t able to get it until reunification.

Sunday’s Adoption Thoughts

From another WordPress blogger – Sierra Watts – published on Feb 7th – LINK>There is nothing regarding modern day infant adoption today in the Bible! In fact, it advocates against it. She refers to it as – The spiritual warfare behind adoption choices.

She notes – If you are a Christian, you might have heard that adoption is a blessing from God. She goes on to write – In this article, I challenge the common narrative that frames adoption as a Christian virtue, arguing that it’s neither biblical, ethical, nor universally beneficial for children, mothers, or families.

I encourage you to read this for your Sunday contemplative time.