Violating Boundaries

I’ve been guilty, even when trying not to violate them. Today’s story from an adoptive mother – I am wondering how to best respect my kid’s wishes without cutting her mom off. She’s 9. Her mom really loves her and wants pictures and updates “whenever”. I’ll ask my kid if it’s okay if I send a photo to her mom after we’ve taken it and she’ll almost always say no. I don’t want to ignore her wishes and send the pictures without asking or against her wishes, but I don’t want her mom to feel cut off when she’s not getting any photos or updates for awhile. The other thing is that her mom almost never reaches out for updates but is always happy to receive them. I’m trying to do what I can to help them both. Thoughts?

A kinship adoptive mother replies – I agree with those who’ve said not to send them. I have custody of a 16yo who’s lived with me for almost 2.5 years. Recently when angry, she blurted out that she hates me sharing her whole life on Facebook. That comment made me realize I’d never asked her permission to make FB posts about her and her accomplishments, etc. Of course, my first thought was – Well geez. I’m just proud of you, want to make sure your family members can see you grow, etc. In my head, I had a million good reasons for why I was doing what I do. But ultimately in the end, it makes her uncomfortable and I violated her boundaries without even realizing I was doing anything wrong. So a big apology ensued and I no longer post anything about her on social media. If she wants someone to see something or know something she can share it herself. Definitely respect your daughters’ boundaries and let her have the final say.

The first one was convinced – Will definitely continue respecting her wishes and see if we can facilitate different means of connection with her mom.

Together California

Christian Bale at the site of his new foster care village

The new village in Palmdale California plans to build 12 foster homes, as well as two studio flats to help children transition into independent living, and a 7,000 sq ft community center. The aim of keeping siblings in the foster care system together, and ideally under the same roof. The completion date is sometime in 2025.

From an article in LINK>The Guardian – which notes that after the birth of his daughter in 2005, after being ‘stunned and mad’ to learn how many children were in care in California. He is quoted saying – “Imagine the absolute pain and the trauma of losing your parents or being torn from your parents, and then losing your brothers and sisters on top of that. That’s no way to treat kids. And so, we will be the hub for that. I hope that this village will be the first of many, and I hope that people, Californians and Angelenos, know to come join us in opening our eyes to what’s happening right under our noses. These are our children, and we must help our children.” He adds that growing up, “We were always having other people coming and living in our house who didn’t have homes, etc. That’s just the guy that he was.” (ie his father, David Bale)

He notes that “I had the very unrealistic idea that within one year I’d have created a miniature Sound of Music with kids singing on hills in an endlessly joyful environment. But I discovered no, it takes an awful long time and really well-motivated people. It’s complicated and tough to help kids. It should be a hell of a lot easier than it was but I didn’t flinch for one second.”

In the face of the foster care crisis, Christian Bale is proving that every action counts, no matter how small. His mission to build homes and keep families together echoes far beyond the borders of Antelope Valley. It serves as a reminder that we all have a role to play in shaping a more compassionate world.

Thanks For Choosing Life

I read these 2 questions in my all things adoption group today –

Have you given public (like social media) credit to your adopted child’s birth mother for “choosing life” ? Why is this inappropriate and problematic ?

Some responses –

From an adoptee – I always wonder if people who say this to birth moms also say it to any random person. They have no idea who was considering abortion vs who wasn’t. Another adoptee shares – I’ve been told “you’re lucky your mom chose life” so many times.

One woman noted – I know people obviously don’t do this directly BUT one thing I’ve noticed since becoming a Mom is that people DO seem to assume you are pro-life if you have babies, especially young ones and especially if in a married “nuclear” family ! Like, no I had an abortion in between my 2 boys because I didn’t want a baby that soon, pretty simple ! And people are always SHOCKED. Even pro-choice people sometimes.

Another adoptee admits (and she was not the only one) – I told my birth parents this as a naive young teenager thick in the fog.

From one woman who surrendered a child to adoption – I’ve had 2 people say something like this to me and I literally burst into tears. I don’t want or need “thanks” for experiencing the worst event of my life and the life of my child. To which another shared a brilliant comeback – I had someone (a friend at the time) ask me wasn’t it better than an abortion. I told her to try it with one of her kids.

Another women who works in women’s health said – I’ll hold their hand and support them, whatever they choose. Not my body, not my business. Women should not be incubators for babies they don’t want. An adoptee says similarly, These phrases reduce women to breeders in support of the adoption industry. They make me sick.

Another adoptee shares – Would I rather have been aborted? Not the same discussion but for argument’s sake – I didn’t have sex until I knew, if necessary, I could be a single parent (I have not been raped and my abuser was female). I knew I couldn’t knowingly put a child through what I went through.

One who had bad experiences shares – yes, I understand the chain reaction of my son and his mom had I never been born, but I also recognize the horrible hell I suffered from foster / adoptive / foster parents. And of course, you have to equally weigh the negative impact of my not being born, my parents wouldn’t have been so traumatized, they’d likely have graduated, I know for sure my mom would have done very well for herself, as she was working her butt off and trying her best, until I was wrongfully taken. (Blogger’s note -It does get bad and I just can’t but child predators are mentioned).

And sadly, I’m certain this woman is not the only one – As a pregnant teenager in a violently abusive cult, they never, ever would have let me abort. A baby created out of violent abuse that I was terrified to have and never wanted to begin with but was left no other option than to birth and raise another vulnerable child in the confines of the cult. I used to feel guilty because I just wanted the baby out of my body. I wanted control over my body for once. I was never so relieved (and so ashamed) when I miscarried at 19 weeks. I never chose life for that baby. The baby was forcefully conceived, forcefully carried, and would have been violently abused had she lived. Every woman should be able to choose and be radically supported in her choice.

Adoptive Mother In Delivery

I read this today in my all things adoption group –

“I just asked the birth mom of our baby boy if she wanted me in the room with her while she gave birth and she said no. Is that normal? My heart kinda sunk!”

Hopeful adoptive parents or adoptive parents – could you please explain why many of you feel it’s necessary to be present during a woman’s most intimate and traumatic time?

It’s not your pregnancy, labor and at that time it’s not your baby. It may never be your baby.

God forbid a woman considering adoption give birth without hopeful adoptive parents staring between her legs.

Don’t whine and cry because you witnessed a birth, fell instantly in love with “your” child and she chose to parent. It’s your own fault for being present in the first place.

This is standard industry practice and many expectant moms think it’s just “how things are done.”

Don’t use the excuse you’re her “support” person and she has no one else. If you can afford to adopt, you can afford to hire a doula.

By the way, I’m not in the mood to hear #notall and “but.”

Who’s My Daddy ?

I am happy to share yet another book here. This one addresses something I’ve encountered in other memoirs and from even an acquaintance. Finding out late in life, one way or another that the man one grew up believing was their father, actually was not.

Gina Cameron found this out in her mid-sixties. Her own roots journey took her into researching human evolution beginning with a matriarchy trending into a patriarchy. Along the way, she discovered how damaging such family secrets can be.

Who’s My Daddy? is available wherever books are sold. At Thrift Books, Gina says, Why did my mother lie about my paternity? and Why did so many other mothers hide the truth from their children? Her own quest for answers led to her mother’s tumultuous history as a refugee from Latvia in WWII. The overview there notes – The memoir is both an intimate portrayal of the author’s own life and a look at the larger forces at play in all of our histories.

There will be Book Party: April 14th from 2 – 4 pm at Expressive Arts @32nd and Thorn, 3201 Thorn St – if San Diego is convenient for you. You can meet the author there.

Sometimes It Just Doesn’t Work

It is sad . . . today’s story – an adoptee who became an adoptive parent had only the best intentions. We wanted an open adoption from the beginning. Not just calls and pictures, but truly and fully open. And we did that. But what happens when the first family doesn’t put forth any effort ? They will promise but don’t follow through. My son dreads being around them. They say they will do better but don’t. My son has now said he wants nothing to do with them. That is heartbreaking for me. I’ve told him they love him so much and he said “well, I’ve never seen love shown this way.”

When they showed up, they were completely upset that he wasn’t overly thrilled to see them or he didn’t want to hug. I tried to explain to them, it’s because it’s been months and months with no contact from them, he doesn’t really know them, and so of course, it’s going to take time for him to open up. But because he is reserved they give up and they don’t try. Now there hasn’t been any contact in months. My 11 year old son seems happier and stress free. Even so, I’m sad about it.

Another adoptee who is a former foster care youth shared their experience – My parents also kept me in contact with my birth family members since the beginning. Some good, some bad. My birth mom sounds just like his, and I honestly resented my parents for forcing it. They were just trying to hold up their end of the commitment, but they didn’t hear me when I said I didn’t want to go. Years later we still discuss it in therapy. My grandparents on the other hand are AMAZING and I am so happy that my family encouraged and allowed access. But they are great because they showed up for me. Loved me, took an interest in me, etc. Listen to your son. I’m sure you are doing the same as my parents were, which I thank you for that. Maybe it will be a wake up call to his first family that they need to adjust their behavior… or maybe not. But his voice needs to be heard.

Of course, sometimes it works. From Let It Be Us, an essay titled LINK>Open Adoption – A 30+ Year Perspective From the Rear View Mirror. The woman writing is Susan McConnell, who has 30+ years of experience in open adoption. She notes – “in the world of open adoption, openness is a process.” And from more than one experience that I have read – sometimes a bit messy.

Wolves in Sheep’s Clothing

I came across the concept of a wolf in sheep’s clothing today in a different frame of reference but it got me to thinking about the behavior of hopeful adoptive parents towards pregnant women. They clothe their desires in the sheep’s clothing of good intentions but what they really want is your baby.

I remember cartoons from my youth about the sheep dog watching over the flock. I wondered who the sheep dog is in adoption proceedings. Certainly, the judge who finalizes the adoption doesn’t really know anything about the couple who wants to adopt. My parents were adopted in the 1930s and in both cases I ran into references of social workers doing home visits to vet the prospective couple. I don’t know if they do that anymore in the modern capitalistic influenced “for profit” industry.

Ralph Wolf looks a lot like Wiley Coyote. Sam Sheepdog I remember.

The Thief Lord

It is the story of orphans and adoption. It reminded me a lot of August Rush without a cruel Robin Williams and all of the music. Both house the street urchins in an abandoned theater but the one in this 2006 movie is much nicer. The story is set in the canals of Venice and includes elements of magic, especially from the perspective of Bo, who is 6-3/4 years old. From a review at LINK>Chucks Connection –

Two orphaned brothers have been separated by their aunt Esther Hartlieb, who is only interested in taking care of Bo and has put Prosper in an orphanage. As the film opens, Prosper successfully escapes from the orphanage, and is able to get Bo away from the Hartlieb house, although in doing so he triggers an alarm that awakens the Hartliebs. The two boys have made a pact to run away and go to Venice, where their mother was thinking of taking them before she died.

The two boys are able to arrive in Venice by stealing rides on trains and boats. By the time they have reached their destination, Bo has come down with a bad cough. Prosper goes into a drug store to get some medicine, but doesn’t have enough money to purchase the drugs. He contemplates stealing the medicine, but is startled by the shop owner, and the bottle falls to the floor and breaks. The shop owner yells “thief” and begins chasing Prosper down the corridors and alleyways of Venice. Prosper is able to escape, due to the unexpected assistance of another young teen wearing a black beaked mask.

The kids support themselves through petty thievery. They sell what they steal through a local fence, Barbarossa (who reminded me of my sons’ obstetrician). He is the owner of a local antique shop. Meanwhile, the snobbish couple who were raising Bo hire a local detective. It is not clear why they would even be interested in finding Bo and his older brother, Prosper, as they seem totally uninterested in relating to either kid.

Eventually, the Thief Lord is offered a large sum of money to steal what seems to be a somewhat worthless object — the wing of an animal from an old wooden merry-go-round. “Chuck” notes that there are many plot turns and twists in this story along with some magical events that change the focus of the story. But it would spoil your experience of viewing the film to reveal any more of the actual story, other than to say it might take you a couple of viewings before you pick up on everything that goes on in the course of the film.

I enjoyed the movie but then, I believe in and love magic. The Thief Lord is based on the fantasy novel by Cornelia Funke. When I checked the dvd out at our local library, the librarian said she had read the book but had not seen the movie. The director and screenwriter, Richard Claus, is noted to have remained faithful to most of the details of the book. While it is a family film. it has some complexity to it. It is not difficult for a viewer to get wrapped up in the action of the storyline. LINK>Common Sense Media describes the movie as a magical orphan drama that explores the definition of family.

My favorite character is an adult woman, Ida Spavento, who is a photographer that helps the kids. Turns out, she is also an orphan and is the one who possesses the wooden wing. It belongs to the lion on the long-lost merry-go-round with magical powers that was once at the Merciful Sisters convent.

Vimeo Trailer

What is CHINS?

Seems like there is something new for me to learn every day. I had not heard of CHINS before. It stands for Children in Need of Services.

I went looking trying to understand a post I read – someone was trying to help 2 kids (ages 4 & 6) who have been in placement with a foster family since Summer 2021. Their Mom has made progress on quite a few things and understood their plan to be reunification. The Mom reached out to a cousin when children were placed, so that cousin could become a Kinship placement. The Mom was told ICPC (Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children) would be explored because the cousin lived in a different state. To my knowledge, Dept of Social Services never followed through. The foster parents petitioned the court to change the judge (who has previously not recommended Termination of Parental Rights (TPR) multiple times because of mom’s progress). The result was that the judge has been changed to a CHINS judge.

I wondered what a CHINS judge is and why that would matter. I found this pdf LINK>What is a CHINS? It is from the Children’s Law Center of Massachusetts. Once the CHINS petition is issued, it is up to the judge, not the parent or the school, to decide when to dismiss the CHINS. It really does not seem relevant to the circumstances of this case but maybe there is some kind of bias against a judge who hears these cases ? Regardless, the judge must consider the best interests of the child. That means the judge could disallow the parent and remand custody to the foster parents. At least this is my understanding of CHINS.

Someone who knows a bit about the state in question suggested – I would also contact the Ombudsman, send emails to the caseworker, supervisor, etc and cc her attorney asking what happened to looking into a relative placement. The sliver of hope, should TPR be granted, is that CPS is still obliged to consider kin first, before allowing foster parents to adopt. You’re just going to really have to push. They likely didn’t move the kids to a different state because mom was doing good and making progress and they wanted them close for visitation. But, if TPR is granted, they may think differently. However, someone else corrected that mistaken impression – unfortunately when TPR is granted, that state no longer considers any biological relationships.

The original commenter added – There is a public defender for Mom, however she has only been able to see them a few times, none yet this year. Cousin has contacted the Ombudsman and I did advise her to contact them again and include the supervisors who initially stated (and I found out there is documentation) ICPC would be explored. Also this good news – it’s been continued until next week and the cousin is petitioning for guardianship. She and the Mom have been in contact with a resource also.

I will add only – it is a wonder that any poor person lacking abundant resources ever gets through the legal tangles !!

Black Family Separations

I was thinking about what I should write about today and knowing that February is Black History Month, I thought I would simply acknowledge that although slavery was outlawed long ago (if you don’t include our prison population), it is not true that this country has ceased taking Black children disproportionately from their families. The topic is so vast, I cannot even hope to do justice to the injustice in today’s blog.

Child Protective Services, the official name in many states, is the government agency that responds to reports of child neglect and abuse and is mandated to protect children, but their often reckless approach wreaks havoc on Black families daily. Black parents often reach out to hospitals, physicians, and other agencies for help with their children. Suddenly the tables are turned, the parents are accused of child mistreatment or endangerment and children are taken away.

It is not uncommon for white adoptive parents to adopt a Black child (and this is often the least expensive option available to them). Often these children are relocated to predominantly white neighborhoods. “It’s just completely false to think that White people are going to come in and save Black children that is part of that same ideology that we can go back to slavery as the origins of this idea that White people need to save Black children from their families. It’s been false, not only false but in a racist White supremacist ideology that paints Black parents and families and communities as if they’re defective and harmful,” said Dr. Dorothy Roberts, a University of Pennsylvania professor of law and sociology.

According to the National Center for Juvenile Justice, Black people comprise about 13 percent of the total United States population and 25 percent of youth in foster care. One example – in Philadelphia, Black people are 42 percent of the population and 65 percent of the youth in foster care. The Philadelphia Department of Human Services is legendary for its removal of Black children from their homes.

Black families are subject to more significant intrusion and strident judgment at every contact stage, including disproportionate reports to Child Protective Services, subsequent investigations, and child removal.