A Happy Reunion

Jimmy Lippert Thyden with his mother, María Angélica González

Though so much time may have been lost, I always love reunion stories. Both The Guardian LINK>Hi, Mom. I love you and USA Today LINK>Virginia man meets Chilean family.

From USA Today – It has been 42 years since María Angélica González saw her son. He was a newborn. A nurse told González he needed to be put in an incubator because he was premature. Not long after, she returned with devastating news: The baby was dead.

For 42 years, that’s what González believed. For 42 years, it has been a lie. Gonzalez’s son, Jimmy Lippert Thyden, was stolen from González, adopted out to unwitting parents in the United States and raised in Arlington, Virginia. For 42 years, Thyden believed he had no living relatives in Chile, where he was born.

Then one day in April, Thyden read a USA TODAY story about a California man who had learned he was stolen from his mother in Chile and illegally adopted out to an American couple. It got Thyden thinking: Could the same thing have happened to him? Within weeks, Thyden learned the truth. And last week, González finally got to hug her son.

From The Guardian – Under the brutal 1973-1990 dictatorship of Augusto Pinochet Ugarte, tens of thousands of babies were taken from their parents and adopted by foreigners. Thyden was raised as one of three siblings in a loving, two-parent household. Thyden knew he was born in Chile. He grew up to serve with the US Marines for 19 years and established himself as a criminal defense attorney. But he and his adopted family believed he had no living relatives left in the South American nation.

Human rights groups believe more than 20,000 babies were snatched away from mostly low-income mothers in Chile and then put up to be adopted by people in foreign countries who paid what they believed were legitimate fees – yet who had been lied to about the babies’ circumstances. Midwives, doctors, social workers, nuns, priests and judges all had roles in the plot, which was financially lucrative for its participants as well as Pinochet’s government.

Thyden made contact with an organization named LINK>Nos Buscamos, which means “we look for each other” in Spanish. The group’s volunteers use DNA tests donated by the genealogy platform My Heritage to reunite families who were separated by Pinochet. In 2014, reporters for the Chilean investigative news agency Ciper exposed the human trafficking operation that existed under Pinochet. In addition to his biological mother, he also has four biological brothers and a sister.

Regarding his adoptive life, he says – He was grateful that his adopted family gave him “every opportunity” to thrive in the US. “They … spared me nothing,” said Thyden, who lives in Ashburn, Virginia, with his wife and two daughters. “I had a loving home, opportunities, strong values and a great education.” However, regarding his genetic mother, he says – “To know [her] is to know she is a loving and caring person,” Thyden remarked. “It becomes very real. We feel as though we have fit in all along – like a missing puzzle piece now found but meant to fit all along.”

How To Help

Today’s request – I am trying to help a father get back custody of his child. Custody is currently with another relative. Child protective services are not involved. There will be a court case for him to try to regain custody as the relative is fighting to keep the child. Child wants to be with the parent, and the parent is absolutely more than capable of taking care of his child. Child’s mother is not very involved, but does want the child with the father. I am writing a letter on his behalf. Terrible at that kind of stuff. Is there anyone who can possibly help me? I want to make sure it’s the best possible and that I can help him in anyway get his child back. so if anyone out there is really good at writing this kind of stuff, can you help? Thank you!

PS I’m in adoptive parent, but not really involved in this particular situation.

A family law paralegal says – I’d recommend looking up your state’s child custody best interest factors and organizing your letter around how dad is able to meet those needs. If the child is of age and has a strong preference, honestly I would consider an in-camera interview.

blogger’s note – I found this From ChildWelfare.gov – LINK>Determining the Best Interests of the Child. Also, there is a pdf with a note – “To access the statutes for a specific State or territory, visit the LINK>State Statutes Search.”

This same person added – Another thing to keep in mind is that the courts may want you to testify in addition to the letter as your words on record will likely hold more weight. I’d let dad know that he can tell his attorney (if he has one) that you are willing to be a character witness on his behalf as well.

Another one notes – Depending on how the child went to the relative in the fist place, if Child Protective Services (CPS) is not involved, deference is supposed to go the natural parents. I know it doesn’t always work that way. But if they have avoided CPS and there was not a Termination of Parental Rights (TPR), he has a good shot at regaining his child.

One who is a qualified parenting consultant & custody evaluator in their own state writes – I can definitely help with that! There’s a few key points that are crucial in those letters, depending on the state, but the relative who currently has placement doesn’t have higher ranking rights to the child, if there’s no TPR or CPS involvement, there’s no reason for them to be shown legal preference. Is this child older than 10? If so, their opinion absolutely matters in a legal sense and needs to be advocated for.

Yet another suggests – Find a good father’s rights attorney. Is he a legal father? Has paternity been established? He really shouldn’t have too much issue as long as he is a legal father. The 14th Amendment of the constitution protects a parent’s rights. What men usually run into is – they have “no rights,” until they establish them. Especially, if they are unmarried. That’s why it gets complicated. But if he is already a legal father, get a good father’s rights attorney for the court date.

Kristin Chenoweth Reunion

Kristin with Mamalynn

Kristin’s birth mother has passed away but thankfully, she was able to reconnect with the woman and spend 10 years knowing her. She tells the story (about the 3:50 mark) in an interview with Katie Couric in 2019) that her uncle said to her birth mother “There’s a girl on there (Jay Leno’s show) that acts just like you.”

She has spoken about meeting her biological mom for the very first time – “I walked in the room and she went, ‘It’s you?!’ And I said ‘hi!’ and [it was] just like looking in the mirror.”

blogger’s note – I’ve had similar moments when I saw photos of my mom’s birth mother and my dad’s birth father – how much my parents were like their genetic parents. It’s that genetic mirroring that is so often lacking in an adoptee’s life with their adoptive parents, and sometimes extended families. Each of my parents had one sibling who was also an adoptee.

Chenoweth has said in interviews before that her adopted parents always made sure she knew she was adopted and loved, while growing up as a child. “They always said, ‘The lady that had you in her belly could not take care of you the way she wanted to, and she loved you so much.’”

Kristin goes on to describe her birth mother as an incredible person. She notes that upon the two of them meeting, her birth mother asked her “Can you forgive me?” Which she does and says “I’m so grateful for her.”

Chenoweth goes on to say “So many things became clear to me about myself when I met her and came to really know her. Those of us who knew her loved her light. Her love of music and all things artistic. An artist herself!”

Kristin adds, “In her belly, I became fans of Stevie Ray and Jimmie Vaughan, Doyle Bramhall, Jimi Hendrix, and, of course, Billy Ethridge – my bio dad. The two of them gave me the innate artistic ability I have today,” Kristin continued.

(LINK>Bassist Billy Ethridge replaced Lanier Greig, shortly after ZZ Top was first formed. Ethridge was a bandmate of Stevie Ray Vaughan. He quit because he didn’t want to sign with London records, so Dusty Hill took his spot. )

On her birth mother’s passing, Kristin notes – “Mamalynn prayed for me every year on my birthday, hoping I was having the most perfect life, which of course, I was.”

“I snuck away and prayed for her too, wishing that someday I would be allowed tell her ‘thank you,’ Which I did on 12/12/12. A beautiful day!” she said, adding that the two “didn’t leave anything unsaid in the end.”

“I will miss her till the end of my days,” Chenoweth continued. “But then, I will fly into the sky, where she will be waiting to greet me, and she will say, ‘start singing Babygirl!’ And I will. RIP Mamalynn.”

“Kristin, I’m so sorry for your loss,” Rita Wilson wrote on the tribute. “What a blessing you got to know each other over these past years. And that she got to know you. Your gratitude in this tribute is so bright and clear. Love you. May her memory be eternal.”

blogger’s note – my mom was a singer – she even sang and played her guitar at my wedding. She and my dad both died knowing next to nothing about their genetic parents. I did think that each of my parents met their birth parents after they passed and instantly knew more – than even I know now – about their genetic ancestors. What I know now is hugely more than my parents knew about them during their own physical lifetimes.

Suemma Coleman Home for Unwed Mothers

Stumbled on 2 stories about this place today. Had not heard of this place – Suemma Coleman – before. One was from a woman who gave birth at the age of 14, 52 years ago. It was 1971 in Indiana USA. She wrote it on the 50th year after she relinquished her baby in order to share her experiences at a Facebook page called Adoption Sucks.

She writes – I’d spent the previous 6 weeks living among hostile strangers, a captive who was caught and shamed the one time I tried to escape. The home was run by a shriveled old matriarch, religious zealots/social workers and filled with self-loathing young pregnant women. There was no privacy. There was no freedom. There was an 8 foot chain-link fence around the top of the building to prevent us from throwing ourselves from the 3 story height, as others had done in the past. There was bland, starchy food served at a single huge table and forced servitude cleaning in the kitchen. There was a single pay telephone in a hallway shared by all the dorms.

My heart goes out to the young me who was sent by ambulance alone during the night to the county hospital. There I was drugged, strapped down and delivered of my precious baby boy. During his birth I was overcome with a feeling of power and overwhelming love I never dreamed possible; I never experienced it again with my subsequent children. Then they whisked him away. I was sent to the post-delivery room where a nurse viciously kneaded my abdomen to expel the placenta, while telling me I deserved the pain.

I never expected to see him again. But the orderlies on duty that night didn’t want to bother with these pariah babies so he was brought to me to feed and change. I remembered thinking I had no idea how. They’d given me a drug to dry up my milk and another caused a splitting headache when I sat up. But all that mattered was that he was miraculously in my arms. He was perfect and beautiful. Everyone commented that his long, black eye lashes gave the impression of a baby girl but his long fingers and toes predicted the 6’3″ man he grew to be. He would briefly visit me one or two more times that night before we were separated for good.

I have a memory of watching my parents standing in the hospital corridor, far away, saying hello and goodbye to their first-born grandchild in the nursery. They were crying. I felt no sympathy for them, knowing the price we were all going to pay because of their decision. My heart had already turned to stone and against them. I spent another 10 days or so for observation and recovery in the Home. Then, I was sent home with my parents, who promptly took me to get a puppy. At 14 days of age, my baby was sent to live with strangers who would be his adoptive parents. I never saw my son again.

I found another story about this home on WordPress at this LINK>JUST SOME INTERESTING HISTORY STUFF. She writes – Today was just a rough kind of day. A fellow Coleman adoptee had emailed that she finally got in contact with her natural mother. I met this gal through one of the many Indiana adoptee groups on the internet. We have kept in touch for last two years. She knew my horror story with St. Elizabeth’s/Coleman and their confidential intermediary, Katrina Carlisle. I had advised her not to use this individual. She had gone with Omni Trace which ended up ripping her off. She emailed me about a month ago about LINK>Kinsolving Investigations. I said that this company was great as long as you can afford them. I unfortunately can’t at this time. Well they found for her. Katrina had told her not to search without her assistance. Katrina did everything she could to discourage this friend from searching period. Well she recently contacted her natural mother. Low and behold, all of the information that Katrina gave her was a lie. Not surprising really. Katrina had lied to me about the law, about who I could and could not use as a CI, and other bits and pieces of my own information. I worry daily what my own natural mother has been told by this woman. I worry whether or not she was even contacted. I worry about whether or not that she took my money and fed me a line of bullshit. I worry that she tried to get more money from my natural mother. I worry that because she could not get the information that my mother wanted about me, she assumed my mother refused contact. All of these are very real worries. I have heard them from all over the country.

This was written in 2008 and she adds – “Indiana enacts a law that makes it the most restrictive state in the nation in regard to keeping adoption records confidential.” She goes on to lay out a review of history re: adoption in Indiana and St. Elizabeth/Coleman specifically, and their part in it. It begins with – 1894 The Suemma Coleman Home is founded for “erring girls and women who had been living lives of shame and had no homes.” (Today, it operates as Coleman Adoption Services.) There is more there at the link.

No point in posting all this – except – yeah, it was pretty much the same everywhere. My dad’s mom gave birth to him at the Door of Hope Salvation Army Home for Unwed Mothers in Ocean Beach, California back in the mid-1930s.

The Unthought Known

My mom was full of sayings, actually my dad too. “Honesty is the best policy” was one. I guess it was a deep one for me, for I’ve always tried to be what I refer to as a “straight” shooter. I have a friend who says somewhere deep down inside, she always knew, even if what she deeply knew could not be fully articulated. Eventually, the truth came out. It usually does.

So, maybe I also knew that secrets never keep very well. As ignorant as we were, we never kept the truth of how they were conceived from our sons. Following advice I had seen offered, we told them abbreviated origin stories when they were yet very young, even if these were stories they were too young to fully grasp. After I learned our egg donor had done a 23 and Me test, I bought one for my husband and then test kits for both boys. They were older now and we could honestly discuss the whole situation with them and they could comprehend it fully. 23 and Me gives them a private channel of communication with their egg donor (genetic mother), if they chose. They have also spent time with her and her youngest son, when they were yet very young, though they’ve only seen photos of the other two. Distance and financial constraints negate our having very much contact.

Since learning my adoptee parents’ origin stories (they both were adopted), I’ve also learned a lot about all things adoption and that extends into donor conceived persons’ stories, as well as what is referred to as a non-parent event – meaning that someone discovers that at least one (or sometimes both) of the parents they thought were theirs – were not. This can be painful and difficult for one to wrap their mind around, especially if this knowledge comes late in life. That is what happened to Jon Baime when he was 54 years old.

His subsequent documentary is available at LINK>video on demand. This can be rented from the Microsoft Store, Apple TV, Amazon Video, Vudu, Google Play Movies, YouTube, or Spectrum On Demand.

Baime shares his journey in the interview with LINK>Severance Magazine. It is this interview where I got the title of today’s blog. It begins with this background – Imagine yourself in this scenario. You tell your 92-year-old father that you want to take a DNA test to learn more about your heritage. Your father says, “I don’t want you to take that test until after I’m dead!” You ask why, and he can’t or won’t tell you. What do you do? Naturally, you take the test, and your father says, “Fine, piss on my wish,” and you spend weeks waiting for the results and wondering what’s the big mystery.

That’s what happened to Jon Baime when he was 54-years old. You might think he shouldn’t have been surprised to learn that the man he believed to be his father wasn’t related in any way, that he was in fact donor conceived, that his parents had been keeping a secret from him, about him. But even if you were raised in a family that keeps secrets, as he was, where children were often told that certain matters were none of their business—and even if you’ve always known that something in your family wasn’t quite adding up—it’s always a shock to find out your identity is not what you’ve always believed it to be, that your relationships changed in the moment you received your test results, that your whole world flipped upside down and there’s suddenly so much you don’t know that your head spins.

During the four years after his DNA surprise, he used his professional skills as an Atlanta-based producer of non-fiction projects, to unravel the family’s secrets and lies -researching and scrambling through a trove of family history in the form of photos and home movies, and traveling the country to interview his older brothers (also donor conceived with mixed reactions) and his new siblings (who had appeared as DNA matches). One sees why genetic mirroring can be important to a person in the photo below.

Baime and his biological father, Harrison.

When “Mom” Isn’t Mom

Today’s story is not from the source of the image above but seemed to fit anyway. It begins with – “I’m struggling so much with the hurt feelings of the biological mom.”

In 2020, my littles (ages 4 and 5 – siblings) were removed from their biological mom and initially lived with their grandma. I was a childcare provider in a large daycare center and they were in my toddler classroom (they were only 1 and 2 years old at the time). These siblings were super attached to each other, the older one protecting their younger sibling. They had trauma and food insecurity, neglect etc. I bonded with these two kids and loved having them in my class.

Then one day, after about 6 months into being in my classroom, they were abruptly given up by their Grandma (she was really struggling with the behaviors of the older one and was already raising her older two grandchildren from the same biological mom). She just couldn’t handle it anymore. So they were just gone one day, and the caseworker didn’t give us at the daycare very much info. I assumed at the time they were together. This was summer 2021.

Fast forward to Autumn 2022 and I bumped into the younger sibling with her foster family at a pumpkin patch and instantly started looking for the older sibling. I found out they had been separated and placed into separate foster homes, and more than once because they were deemed behavioral problems. I emailed Child Protective Services and did some digging. I offered both a home together with me and my own biological kids (5, 16 and 17). I did all the paperwork and training and the siblings moved in Jan 2023.

Here’s the dilemma, in the 2.5 years they were in the foster care system, their biological mom has done nothing to achieve reunification. She does show up for some visits, I think 7 total in the whole year. I applied for sole custody (decision making responsibilities) and she agreed, both fathers are incarcerated. She does believe she’ll get them back some day. I’ve offered them a permanent stable home and I will continue to supervise visits with her and the children, when she’s able to make it to visits. I’ve agreed to at least once a month, but it’s understood that at this time, I will be raising these children.

Both children started calling me “mom” within a couple months of moving in. At first I corrected them but it really hurt their feelings and I realized these kids just need a “mom” in title and I absolutely love them as if they’re my own. They also have chosen to call their biological mom by her first name, even though I always refer to her as Mommy. This is something they’ve been doing since before they moved in with me. This hurts her feelings so much and she spends much of the visit correcting them, which frustrates them.

How do I handle this gracefully? Or is this just going to be something that we’ll be living with? The children also run to me if they’re injured or scared and she’s gotten upset about that too. I don’t want to hurt her feelings but something has to give. In almost three years, she hasn’t become stable enough to care for them. She has suffered from addiction but is currently clean. I’m proud of her for achieving this but I’m scared the kid’s behavior towards me will trigger a relapse.

I’m open to all suggestions on how others may have navigated this part of the journey. Thanks!

One person shared – We try to honor all the mothers our niece and nephew have had. We refer to them as “momma – first name.” I’m momma Krista, they also refer to their bio mom and prior foster moms in the same manner. Perhaps this would be a good middle ground?

An adoptive mother notes – This is an emotionally tough situation, for everyone involved. It sounds like you are being flexible and respectful to all involved, and holding space for the kids to maneuver and decide for themselves what they need. I suspect it will continue to be an evolution.

Another one writes – I think this is a great time to have a conversation with her alone as suggested. It sounds as if she trusts you as a caregiver which is a huge plus. First/birth parents often struggle with seeing their children call another person mommy/daddy. And they do see themselves as being in a position someday to parent again. They typically experience significant loss and it can be a gut punch, regardless of the decisions that have created this unfortunate situation. Approach it from a standpoint of letting her know you are not trying to take her title, however young children will naturally gravitate to using mom/dad because they have to label people. We all do. They are also hearing your other children call you mom and its natural for them to do the same. Let her know that your only goal is to provide love, guidance and support for the children. See if she is ok with them calling you mommy Tish and them calling her mommy “her name”. This may not feel good but it may be a middle ground. Those babies do see you as mom. You are their safety and comfort. They don’t understand all the other stuff, so it makes sense that it would confuse them. This will be a challenging situation but helping her understand that she is still an important part of their lives should be the focus. This is heavy stuff. Breathe deeply through it.

Another said something similar – Sit down with her (and not in the presence of the kids) and tell her to stop correcting them when they call you mom because you are ALSO “their mother” now. You are the one doing all the “mom” things all the time. This doesn’t take away from the truth that she gave birth to them but she has to know her role at the moment in the play we call Life. Remind her, that when they get hurt they’re going to run to you because you’re the one who takes care of them day in and day out. Tell her it’s like when your sibling comes over with their kids, they will love on you and stuff but if anything goes south those kids are going to run to your sibling, even though you’re their aunt and very close.

Usually No Support

Today’s story from a Natural mom, in reunion –

I saw my therapist this morning and he keeps saying I need to forgive myself. I just don’t know how. I placed my son when he was 5 months old and I was 17. I now know that I had extreme post-partum depression and a shitty support system. He (26 now) says that his adoptive parents were great, but he was so angry and rebellious as a kid. I just have so many regrets. His adoptive parents gave him my contact info when he turned 18. We saw each other and talked a lot for several years, but now he is married and his wife thinks I’m a horrible person, so I rarely talk to him now and haven’t seen him in 4 years. I also have 4 daughters that I raised. I’m looking for advice and practical ways to truly learn how to forgive myself. The pain is still so overwhelming sometimes.

blogger’s note – I actually replied on this one – It can be hard. While my situation is not the same, I continue to struggle with feelings that I did not do “right” by my daughter. Though never my intention (I left her with her paternal grandmother for temporary care while I tried to earn some financial support for us by driving an 18-wheel truck cross-country with a partner), her dad ended up with her and he remarried a woman with a daughter and they had a daughter together. I thought this was giving her the kind of home I could not. I only learned recently (she just turn 50 yesterday) that life in that family was not as good as I had thought – mostly because of her dad (like, yeah, I guess I should have known having been married to the man). Anyway, though we do have a good relationship, I continue to struggle with the feelings I have about it all. Yes, I did the best I could at the time and it had unintended consequences. Keep working on your “reasons” and “feelings”. Understanding changes over time but we can never regain all that we lost.

One adoptee writes – I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through. Coming from the opposite perspective, I WISH my natural mother was like you and wanted contact with me and cared enough to try. You can’t change the past, only the present and the future, so you must focus on those. Keep working on your relationship with him, I guarantee it matters to him. As much as I begrudge my natural mother for rejecting me twice, I would never wish her to feel guilt all her life. You are worthy and deserving of peace.

Another commenter wrote – When looking back at our decisions, we come to judge ourselves very harshly based on what we know after the fact. But this isn’t fair. All you had at the time was your depressed brain and other influences telling you that you couldn’t care for him. You had deep love and care for him all along with no way to properly give it. I am so sorry for that. But you should forgive yourself in order to move forward. It might feel like it’s too late but it’s not. His wife doesn’t want him to feel pain, but if you keep up a healthy and consistent relationship, I think she will come around. Wishing you the best.

From another natural mother – I completely get this. When I feel especially shitty about what happened, I try to remind myself I was a young teenager and I didn’t know what I know now. But it honestly doesn’t help much. I try to forgive myself. I know intellectually that I had no outside support and didn’t feel I had a choice. I still feel shitty. I read what adoptees say here, and I’m so sorry that my son has to live this life that he had no choice in. I feel extremely guilty and regretful.

From a father who is also an adoptee – Write a forgiveness letter to your younger self. Get it out on paper that you did the best you could under the circumstances. Take the letter and burn it as a symbol of letting go. Carrying the guilt, grief and possibly shame isn’t helping you or anyone. I am also a reunited absentee father from my son. We have a connection but it takes work.

I loved this perspective – I’m also working on loving myself and forgiving myself with my therapist. It sounds weird, but the biggest mindshift that’s actually worked for me is viewing my past actions as if they were of a close friend instead of my own. And in a way, you’ve grown and changed so much, you truly are a different person from past you. So anyway, if you’re anything like me (or most people, from what my therapist says), then you say things to yourself that you would NEVER say to a friend. It takes work to think that way, and I have to stop myself mid-thought sometimes, but I really think it’s starting to help. Sometimes I’ll even imagine what I would say to my best friend if she were coming to me with the same concerns I have about my own past.

Another shares her own mantra – “We are all doing the best we can with what we have.” This does not excuse us from committing to the hard work of doing better in the present and future, but it allows us to accept our past selves (and others!) as we were.

One person notes this truth – Adoption was promoted as a fantasy for the child. There was no public criticism if it. At 17, you were totally at the mercy of the adults around you. Don’t hold yourself responsible, when the industry was designed to prey on you. One adoptee notes – adoption is a societal failure, not the parents’ failure.

Saving The Little Native Kid

This is the truth – “red and yellow, black and white – all are precious”. A song we sang when I was a child in Sunday School. It is disturbing though to know such things are used against any child. Today’s story –

Adoptive parents telling an adopted child that they “saved me from growing up in a reservation,” her adoptive parents exact words. Problem was – this child turns out not having been Native American at all. Her natural grandmother claimed she was Native American and Mormon, something she believed until she was 30 years old because of a) trauma b) wanting to believe?? She says, “I thought I was this like special little native American princess because my a parents made it seem this way … also my name means princess, so it’s always been something they kinda said was related to my “native American history” (and after my adoptive mom’s gran) …”

So yeah, she studied with vigor Native American art, history, especially Cherokee traditions… But now she is embarrassed – “How fucking stupid I must have looked.. were my adoptive parents laughing at me behind my back? Were other people laughing at me behind my back? They *must* have been…”

She goes on to add – “Meanwhile, I have a gran I’ve never met who desperately wanted to keep me, enough to lie to multiple government agencies about it, but I’ve never ever met her or seen a photo or even know her name.” She ends on this note – Trauma really boils up when you least expect it.

One commenter said – “I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. And whether it is or isn’t your culture, I’m sorry they even degraded it with their comment about the reservation.”

Another adoptee offers this – “I was also raised being told I was Native, although they had no way of possibly knowing. I spoke to a few friends who are Native American about it once, and they commented that they have seen that happen often. Get a child and connect it to something negative (not my view) and you can make a better case for saving the “poor little Indian kid”. It’s so disturbing… and disappointing to learn they could lie so easily. I’ll say this though, nothing I learned, studied or love about Native culture has been a waste. My passion as an adult now lies with endangered Native languages. Take what your parents used against you, and make it into something beautiful.”

Another adoptee shared some history behind this practice – if you feel like doing some research, look into the LINK>Dawes Rolls and “Five Dollar Indians” (ie some white people bribed government officials to obtain land allotments, but this was not as widespread as some would believe). A LOT of white people claimed Native ancestry for the government benefits and paid to have the records falsified. I think there’s probably thousands of families who truly think that they’re part Native, but it’s actually based on a century old land-grab lie. I was also told that I was a large percentage Native and it was a big shock when my 23 and Me came back at 1%.

An adoptee who is also a lawyer suggested – I’m betting your biological grandmother made the Native American claim in order to invoke the Indian Child Welfare Act (ICWA). That act puts restrictions on adoption of children who have Native heritage. It’s a way to block or slow an adoption, while it’s being worked out. It would explain the “hoops” your adoptive parents had to jump through.

How did you find out it’s wrong? If it’s from commercial DNA testing, it might not have shown up because DNA testing is still quirky. Meaning — both could be true. You might have some Native heritage but it might be attenuated enough not to show up. She answered – “my birth father said it’s absolutely not true.” To which the lawyer suggested – I’m betting your biological grandmother said it as a last ditch effort to fight the adoption. That would make everyone jump through ICWA hoops and give her time. If it helps — I bet she said it meaning well, trying to fight. And your adoptive parents believed it. There’s no right answer on that one. Not believing her would be awful. Believing they lied makes you feel betrayed. I’m so sorry.

One adoptive parent commented – when we adopted one of our children, we were told that the father was blond, blue eyed, light skinned English heritage and the mother was 1/2 Czech, 1/4 English and 1/4 Spanish (from Spain). The report was very detailed and specific. The agency said in a very snotty way that “all the rich Mexicans say they are only Spanish but the baby may darken up a bit”. Fortunately we were open to an interracial adoption because our child looks like many Mexican Americans—pin straight jet black hair, black eyes, olive skin. DNA testing done when this child was already an adult showed that in fact the father must have been mixed Latino or just Native American. The heritage is 1/4 central European and the rest is the mix of a little Spanish/Italian and a lot Native American and that is fairly typical of Mexican American immigrants. My point is that 1) Biological mothers sometimes misidentify the father—maybe to involve someone more compliant in signing paperwork, maybe for other reasons 2) birth parents themselves don’t know their heritage or have shame about their heritage and believe myths about where they came from 3) agencies are selling a product and have every incentive to romanticize the story (Cherokee princess) or make the product more appealing in other ways (75% European vs 35% European). It is one of the tragedies of adoption that not only is the specific connection to the adoptee’s biological family lost but also the connection to cultural heritage. I’m really sorry that you were led astray. It sounds like your adoptive parents were complicit in perpetuating your heritage as “exotic.”

And this sad story – My birth mother told everyone my birth father was this Hispanic man. I think I knew it couldn’t be true because I am very obviously white, but wanted to believe because I wanted to trust her (and I look so much like her, so that was my reasoning for almost 20 years). My husband bought me a DNA test a few years back and turns out that was NOT my father – my father was actually her step brother (my grandparents got together when their kids were teens). She was well aware of who my father was. I can’t even describe the level of hurt I walked through during that season. It really sucks being lied to, especially after growing up and never knowing my heritage really. Not to mention feeling like a big dirty secret and so incredibly ridiculous for believing such a big lie.

Withholding Sibling Contact

Though this happens all too often, it is generally believed that sibling relationships matter and that they are very important when a family has been fractured. So, today’s story is heart concerning.

I am an adoptive parent of 2 former foster care youths. They are not related to one another. The youngest just turned 5. When we were in the process of adopting her, the social worker told us she had other (half) siblings that were also in the system and about to be adopted with another sibling of theirs. We asked about any visits they had and the social worker said “Oh, they don’t even know about her. We never did any visits or anything, it doesn’t matter, they are going to be adopted to another family with their other younger half brother.” I’m not in agreement about them not needing to know.

Eventually, I was able to get their first names and the name of their other sibling. I did some internet digging, their names aren’t super common, so I literally googled their first names. This led me to an obituary that had them listed as grandchildren. Then, I jumped on social media and looked up the names of the children listed and came across a public Instagram account belonging to the adoptive father. He had some photos of the kids with their names, from when they first came into his home.

I sat on it for a bit but decided to reach out via direct message. I introduced myself and acknowledged this may come across as a strange message and mentioned that I wasn’t sure if they were aware of their sister’s existence (there’s an additional sibling now too). I said I’d like to connect the kids, if possible. I got a response that was just “please call me” with the phone number. I was in the middle of bedtime, so I said I’d message when I was done and if it wasn’t too late for them (different time zones), I’d call.

So I call, it’s a bit late, but they insisted. It was an odd call for a number of reasons. He did most of the talking. It was a 90 minute call. He did make a point of telling me that it’s not that he doesn’t think their other siblings aren’t important but that they continuously emphasize that the siblings they now live with are their “real” siblings and the only ones that really matter. I was a bit surprised at the amount of negative things he shared about them (these poor kids have been through a lot). As this was a first meeting, it felt awkward having him kind of airing their dirty laundry so-to-speak.

He kept saying he had to take back the reigns from the oldest, she had always acted like a mother hen, but he’s the parent and he’s in charge now. He also said they had some contact with another sibling (unrelated to our daughter), but they cut it off because it seemed like any time they had any reminder of anyone from their past, they would “all just act like stupid little jerks.”…Wow.

One thing I did find out was, they had almost zero information on the dad or any photos. I don’t have a ton of info, but the basics, name, birthday, home town and I do have some photos, so I agreed to share them and sent them over after the call.

It was pretty obvious from the conversation that he didn’t think it was a good idea for any contact now between the kids. What caught me off guard was the message I received the next morning…I realize I may be reading into this. But this is the response I got – Right now is not the right time for my kids to see or even interact with their younger sister. Pleases respect our privacy. The siblings still need to get on track and work through their own trauma. We can revisit this in 5 years (or more) when I think they are ready.

I agree his kids need to be his number one priority. But I wonder if denying any contact between the siblings for 5 or more years will have negative impact. In 5 years, my daughter will be 10, his kids will be 14 and 16. I’m also wondering how to best approach this with my daughter, as our older child does have a relationship with her brothers. She knows their names, she knows they exist, she’s seen like the 2 pictures I got from his social media, but it sounds like that’s going to be the end of the road for a while.

(We are supposed to start working with a trauma informed adoption competent therapist in the next few months but haven’t started yet as we’ve been on the wait list. We had someone else lined up but we didn’t continue with that one due to her stating how lucky they were to be adopted into our family.)

I’m curious about the experiences from both angles. Both if your adoptive parent withheld sibling contact and family information and from those that wanted it but were blocked by your sibling’s adoptive parents. The man has since either deleted his Instagram or has blocked me.

An adoptee that is also a former foster care youth responded – Reading this has made me so mad. I find it disgusting that people think it’s acceptable to adopt children and play god with their lives and determine what they have a right to know ABOUT THEMSELVES.

I would be honest and open with your little one from the get go. She has siblings, they live X with X, unfortunately, she can’t have contact right now due to circumstances beyond your control but you are trying to establish contact.

I would look to contact the adoption agency that placed them, try and contact them and have a formal attempt at establishing contact via those channels.

I’d also be looking at getting damages/compensation from Child Protective Services for not considering/proper management of placement. Not establishing sibling relationships and creating additional trauma.

I had 7 sibling who went in to care with me, and was only allowed contact with one. By the time I was 16, I had messaged them all on Facebook and went through a horrible and traumatic time.

I also discovered in my twenties I have a further 3 siblings who were in care that I don’t know the names or details about, and it makes me angry and sick everyday that there are people walking around and I don’t get to know them because of someone else’s selfish decisions.

That man is going to cause those children UNTOLD damage and based on the things you’ve shared, it’ll be a miracle if they’re still even with him, by the time they are 16.

More To This Story

On June 20th in 2020, I published a blog at this site about the movie LINK>The Blind Side. I wrote that it was a “white savior” movie and that opinions on the movie “The Blind Side” were mixed. The film has been accused of pacifying Oher, molding him into an unrealistically noble and non-threatening “black saint.” That take is a patronizing one. He is never angry and shuns violence except when necessary to protect the white family that adopted him or the white quarterback he was taught to think of as his brother.

In other words, Michael Oher is the perfect black man. Robin DiAngelo, whose book White Fragility I have read, criticized the dis-empowered way Oher is presented, as though only this white woman could save him. Oher actually said – “I don’t like that movie.” At a media event, just prior to Oher’s 2012 Super Bowl win with the Baltimore Ravens, he told reporters that he was “tired” of being asked about The Blind Side. In 2011, Oher published a book, I Beat The Odds, writing that the Tuohys told him there was no difference between adoption and conservatorship.

It now has become evident that there is more to his story. From The Huffington Post – LINK>‘Blind Side’ Inspiration Michael Oher Says The Tuohys Never Legally Adopted Him and that Sean and Leigh Anne Tuohy made millions off of his life story. “The lie of Michael’s adoption is one upon which co-conservators Leigh Anne Tuohy and Sean Tuohy have enriched themselves at the expense of their Ward, the undersigned Michael Oher,” the legal filing reads. The lawsuit also notes – “Michael Oher discovered this lie to his chagrin and embarrassment in February of 2023, when he learned that the conservatorship to which he consented on the basis that doing so would make him a member of the Tuohy family, in fact provided him no familial relationship with the Tuohys.”

The Tuohys were each paid $225,000 for “The Blind Side,” plus 2.5% of the movie’s “defined net proceeds,” according to the legal filing. But Oher’s contract signed away his life rights without any payment, the petition says. Oher has no memory of signing the contract, he claims. “They explained to me that it means pretty much the exact same thing as ‘adoptive parents,’ but that the laws were just written in a way that took my age into account,” Oher wrote.

The legal petition reads – “Since at least August of 2004, conservators have allowed Michael, specifically, and the public, generally, to believe that conservators adopted Michael and have used that untruth to gain financial advantages for themselves and the foundations which they own or which they exercise control. All monies made in said manner should in all conscience and equity be disgorged and paid over to the said ward, Michael Oher.”