An adoptee writes – I just want to know: when does it stop? The pain? The crying for no apparent reason when my boyfriend leaves my townhome after a night together? The deep, abiding loneliness? I think that is what it is, anyway. It is so hard. I’ve been in therapy since the divorce over five years ago. Hell, I’ve been in therapy off and on my whole life. I thought there was something “wrong” with me until VERY recently when I heard the adoption trauma lecture on YouTube and after listening to the audiobook “What Happened to You?” by Oprah Winfrey.
This had me looking for the book. I found a review by by LINK>Sarah O’Connor on WordPress. She writes – What Happened To You? is an incredibly detailed book. The book looks at what happened to a person to cause certain behaviors, reactions, and lifestyles instead of assuming something is wrong with a person based on how they act. She thought it was a very accessible way of writing a book on trauma.
I also learned there is something called the Dart Center for Journalism & Trauma which is a project of Columbia Journalism School. They have YouTube where their executive director Bruce Shapiro had a conversation with Oprah Winfrey and psychiatrist Bruce Perry MD.
So, good to know about this book. Back to the adoptee’s thoughts. One replies – I am trying to find words. Because mostly, this resonates. I think something people forget that us domestic infant adoptees are built on trauma. Like our first out of the womb experience is LOSS. How can we be “normal”? And just when I think I have dealt with a part of it, a new part of the pain and loss pops up and says hello. Just know you are not alone. (And I am very close in age to you.) The first woman responds – You’ve described it well: just a sense of deep loss… For as long ago as I can remember.
Another writes – I thought something was wrong with me until I hit 40 and learned about adoption trauma. I’m deconstructing too, so I can relate to the added layer of complexity and questions of belonging and identity. I also have complex post-traumatic stress disorder. I’ve been doing intense therapy for several years, which helps. I try to take a lot of time for self care. Sometimes that looks like a cry and a nap. Other times it’s something more creative so I don’t fall into a funk. I don’t know if I will ever feel “normal.”
One writes – I was adopted as a small child internationally. I am now a mom of 4. Amidst the daily tasks and just life, I carry with me a deep sadness that can’t be pinpointed. It’s just there. The absence of my first parents and being far from my siblings is really soul fracturing. It feels like a brokenness in me I will live with forever.
Yet one more adoptee writes – I think I’ve realized it will never stop and I just have to learn to live with it in a way that doesn’t destroy me, which certainly isn’t an easy feat.
Today’s story is about a father who had to fight for over 6 months to bring his daughter home from the custody of the Div of Child and Family Services (DCFS) in Illinois. They had been trying to adopt her out from day one. Especially, when they found out that he lived in a different state. It took 6 months because DCFS lied to the judge at the shelter care hearing saying that they were afraid for his daughter’s safety and that he hadn’t had a relationship with his daughter in over a year.
He didn’t have a physical relationship because of the distance and not being able to afford to travel. He lives in Delaware. For some odd reason, they were under the assumption that she was born in Illinois, not Delaware. They were surprised when he showed up to the emergency shelter care hearing with less than 12 hours notice. He brought his baby girl’s birth certificate with him.
At this point, he can only honestly believe that the mom was working with them, so that the baby girl couldn’t come home with him on day one. The child’s mom wasn’t happy to see him there that day either.
To clarify, it was the mom’s criminal charges that caused DCFS to be involved to begin with. Therefore, DCFS was given temporary guardianship and he was ordered by the judge to go through the Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children (ICPC) process. Then, DCFS admitted at the final hearing, through his public defender, that he was never supposed to go through that process because he was the non-offending parent.
The real harm came when his baby girl was moved from foster home to foster home. He now knows she was placed in homes that were foster-to-adopt, all the while the child’s mom was active in seeing her. The baby girl was calling out for her mom all the time.
He can only thank God that the lady who did finally take her in for the last 4 and half months was a guardian angel. Because of her wonderful behavior he and his whole family all consider her to be “grandmother” to the baby girl.
There was a reason she was in the picture. Her son had also had a daughter with the same woman. The lady has had custody of that baby since birth but DCFS opened a case, even though there shouldn’t have been.
So this man is just putting his story out there. Maybe it will help someone or some parents, by letting them know that they can fight Child Protective Services (CPS) so that they can bring their kids home and not give up hope during the long and frustrating process. It will be 2 years in January that his baby girl has been back home.
Finally, under the heading of people can and do change – Thankfully, the child’s mom has also been slowly making progress with her own issues and is able to be somewhat involved in being a mom to their daughter.
Another story from The Guardian – this one about the Scottish care system. LINK>‘This book kept me alive’: Jenni Fagan on writing a memoir of her childhood in care. Some excerpts –
“The government take me from place to place. They pay people to keep me. Each new person opens a door like a bird’s wing and I have to go into their nest. Then they close the door. It could be good, or it could be something else. Some people have eyes with nothing behind them. They are nowhere people.”
“Each of the women in all of the houses that I go to live in is called a mother. It doesn’t make them all the same. They are often like each other but all of them put on a face for when people are there and then there is another one when the others are gone.”
“The sky is usually grey, and the sea is grey or black or dark blue, and people’s skin is pretty grey and their minds are grey and we live in this freezing-cold rainy grey country called Scotland.”
“She calls the government. – You have to come and get ‘it’, now! I am not called by name here now. I am called ‘it’. She strings words together with hot rage. They must send a car to come get me quick, or else. The social worker says I’ve moved over ten times now.”
“Twenty years ago I began writing this memoir as a suicide note. I was trying to sum up my life in one small letter. After I had written The End, I locked it in a flight case and vowed never to look at it again, or discuss its contents with anyone. With that one act that note turned into a book that kept me alive.”
“On the day the Freedom of Information Act came in, I picked up the phone at 9am. It took me 24 years to get my social work files. I picked up a vast heavy load of them. Hundreds, thousands of pages, most redacted in black lest they validate something that would allow me to sue them. I had lived in so many placements, had multiple name changes, foster families, adoptions, children’s homes and hostels. I had been through more as a child raised by the state than I ever thought possible to get my head around. I had never got to have my say, legally, or otherwise. I suffered from lifelong brainwashing telling me I was the issue. I’ve never met an abuser who owned what they did, or a system that wanted to be accountable.”
“This is a story about a girl who found her way to books and found in a world of words the only place I ever actually belonged. I didn’t have any family I’d ever met that I could remember and so I turned to culture and asked it to raise me, to teach me, to – in my most isolated moments – let me have somewhere to rest, and return, and belong.”
Now I must offer back my own. My lighthouse on a distant shore.
From a story in The Guardian – LINK>‘My mother spent her life trying to find me’: the children who say they were wrongly taken for adoption by Rosie Swash and Thaslima Begum. It begins – For years, Bibi Hasenaar felt rejected because she was adopted aged four. Then she saw a photo that described her as missing – and began to uncover an astonishing dark history. Hasenaar says: “No one explained anything to me; I didn’t know what was happening.” She became hysterical during the airplane flight from Bangladesh to The Netherlands were she and her brother were adopted. “They tied me to the seat with a rope because I could not be calmed. I wasn’t allowed to go to my brother in the rows ahead; I just felt so alone.”
Sometime in 1993 – when she was in her early 20s, had two young children, and was working in a bar and studying part-time – Hasenaar began receiving letters from a person in Bangladesh claiming to represent her birth mother. The letters claimed that she had never intended to give her children up for adoption. Then, in the summer of 2017, a friend sent her a link to a documentary. It was about children who had been adopted in the Netherlands, and a man who had discovered he had been taken from Bangladesh without his mother’s consent. “He talked about missing children,” Hasenaar says. “I immediately got goosebumps.” An elderly woman appeared on screen, holding an old newspaper. Hasenaar could barely take in what she was seeing. “There were at least four children described as ‘missing persons’ in that newspaper. I looked at the pictures and said to myself: ‘That’s my brother.’ And then: ‘That’s me!’ I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.”
Dozens of mothers claim they handed over their children believing it to be for temporary care, only to discover that they had vanished abroad to be adopted by strangers. The “boarding school scam”, as it is often referred to, is well known to those who work in international child protection. It is a simple, brutal trick played on families in desperate circumstances. “Generally, the scam works best in locations where poor parents commonly send children to a ‘boarding school’, ‘orphanage’ or similar for food, shelter and education, often where the majority of children are there temporarily – a kind of safety net for poor families,” says David M Smolin, an expert on illegal international adoption practices, who lives in Alabama. He knows this because he and his wife decided to adopt two girls from India in 1998. “The most shocking thing was that no one seemed to care that our adoptive daughters might have been, in effect, kidnapped,” he says. “It shocked us that you could have stolen children in your home and no one would think that was a problem.” Not the agency, the governments, other adoptive parents nor the psychologist they consulted.
“What happened to us and our daughters profoundly changed our understanding not just of adoption, but the world,” Smolin says. “We realised for the first time the depth of injustice in which some people count, and others simply do not.” The couple helped the girls reunite with their mother, and Smolin has since dedicated much of his career to exposing enforced adoption.
More about this at the link in the first paragraph above.
At least the woman in this photo got to hold her baby before handing her son over to another couple to raise. Like many young women who surrender their newborn to adoption, this young woman was at rock bottom and living in her car. She had no familial support and was alone with her pregnancy. One common perspective is – God wanted me to take this path. Religion often plays a role in couples wanting to adopt and in biological, genetic mothers making that choice to surrender their baby. Maternity homes are often linked to a religion.
An adoptee shares her experience – My mother left me at the hospital, when I was born. I was told – she did it because she loved me. After a brief stay at the hospital, where I (and others) were denied the comfort of being held, I went to a foster home. There I learned to walk and use some words. I had developed 2-3 word sentences, when the social worker took me from my foster home and dropped me at a stranger’s home. These became my adoptive parents. By the time I was in 3rd grade, my adoptive mother was “sick”. She stayed in bed with the door closed a lot. She always seemed mad.
I would learn 22 years later, it was because she had discovered alcohol took her arthritic pain away. Then Cortizone became available but that shot every 2 weeks didn’t change her alcoholism. So she also became addicted to steroids. I grew up thinking addiction issues were “normal”. Growing up, I wasn’t taught there was anything wrong with my mother leaving me. She did it because she loved me. My parenting skills were warped by my reality. I never received the therapy I needed as a child. If I had, I’m pretty sure I would have chosen to not procreate. I was left in the dark world of popular adoption narratives that never matched my reality.
Another adoptee responds – I never did completely buy that BS about “your [biological] mother loved you SO much she gave you away, so you would have a better life.” Then when I had my own first child, at 25, same age as my biological mother had been when she had me, whatever shred of the BS I had wanted to believe was somehow true was blown out of the water, as soon as I held my newborn infant. There are some biological mothers who gave their babies away that have convinced themselves that this narrative is true. Some of them have told me the reason adoptions were closed is to “protect” the mothers from “adoptees like me” who don’t buy that line, and who are angry with them, rather than grateful for having been “loved so much.” Adopted adults have been experiencing reunions, after finding their biological, genetic family, since the 60’s. There are no credible stories of an adopted person who has injured or killed their biological mother. That “excuse” is just a part of the industry propaganda.
One woman notes – When are people going to wake up that adoption is NOT for the child. My adoptive mother had SEVERE mental illness and NEVER left the house after I turned 6 – literally NEVER!
And the truth is, they won’t as long as the adoption industry propaganda continues to be the acceptable narrative. Sort of tongue in cheek – it would help if babies had a vocabulary and could use their words. As it is, by the time they could, they’ve been pretty much brainwashed into a kind of Stockholm syndrome. They have developed a fear of expressing anything that might be interpreted by the adoptive parents as displeasure in them, as parents.
Emotional withdrawal or neglect is just another form of abandonment…and it is not an expression of love, no matter how adoptive parents spin it. Only my adopters didn’t stay confined to their rooms; they constantly violated my boundaries. I was the one who tried to isolate as much as I could. My room wasn’t safe enough, so I’d escape by running away.
Another considers herself lucky enough to have been abandoned or emotionally neglected. She notes, “It’s a wonder I function pretty well and cover it up. However, I’m just numb to most of life.”
Someone else says, I had one of those kind of “moms” who stayed in her bed in her room. No wonder I feel guilty for staying in bed when I actually have a real illness.
Lastly, yet another adoptee shares her story – I started to doubt the “loved you so much she gave you away.” line when I was still young. People would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up and I said a birth mom. I wanted to have kids and give them away to people who couldn’t have kids, so they could be happy. (Just repeating the crap I had been told.) And I was met with silence. Or “oh, you don’t want to give your babies away, your such a good little babysitter”, etc. Nope. I am going to give them away because I love them and want them to have money for the doctor. I’d say. Their faces were so unhappy. I was so confused. I look back at that little me and just cringe….
She was reassured – the fact that all the adults in our lives pushed the same narrative results in our blaming ourselves for the confusion we feel emotionally towards adoption.
My husband has always been a “king of my castle, captain of my ship” kind of man (which understandably has caused some issues between us). After our oldest son was born, my husband’s parents (who were our next door neighbors) came over every afternoon to help me out, so I could attend to some of the work that depends on me for our home based business. Eventually, he simply could not tolerate them being around so much but put the burden on me to tell them. Fortunately, I could break it to them gently.
The man in today’s story, reminded me of that, but thankfully, my husband was not raised so hard core. Here’s the background (not my own story) – My husband grew up in a family with corporal punishment – where if you didn’t respect your elders there was a big problem. We did tons of therapy and it helped a lot but it just never got us to where there wasn’t a major fight at least once a week or two, that ended with breaking things or running away (which I don’t hold against my foster son one bit but it is what it is). There was also a “territorial-ness” between the two of them, which I hate but I understand it because I’ve seen it with other people who were staying at my house. Like my husband wants to come home and have his space and suddenly the house feels too small. Not a big deal at all, short term, but it wears on you after a long while. She claims – These are all so stupid, which is why its so hard for us to not want to try to help out… (a former foster son that has been in their home). This foster son has not experienced stability. He is now 14 years old and so, it is unlikely he’ll be adopted (though currently there is an attempt that may fail). It is more likely he will age out in foster care.
She wanted to know – if I’m not willing to commit to helping him all the way and adopting him, am I just leading him on by trying to be there for him and causing more trauma ? She asked – For former foster youths, what would you want ? Did any of you benefit from having a role like that in your life and what did it look like ? She also notes that this boy and his biological dad are still close and we definitely would let them continue their relationship, while he’s with us (of course).
(blogger’s note – I would add that setting boundaries with teens is NEVER easy.)
Some responses – Why can’t your husband get along with him ? My biological teens and I don’t always see eye to eye on everything and there are some outbursts but we talk and work it out… The original poster commented – great question. I think its very difficult to have patience for any teenager, but if you birth them or adopt them, you have to deal with it.
She was asked – why doesn’t your husband get along with him ? The woman replied – they requested placement for him in June or July and they said it would only be until the end of summer. That he wouldn’t be starting school with us. (blogger’s note – not certain that is actually an answer to this question.) Someone else came in to clarify and chastise – He wasn’t good “enough” for your husband and now has been adopted. It sounds like he may be having difficulties with his adoptive parents. He and your husband butt heads (putting it nicely) which ends up in loud clashes and things breaking in the house. That’s traumatic in and of itself.
You say things aren’t going well and the adoption may “fall through.” How convenient for foster parents and adoptive parents to just throw away their foster child/adoptive child. Instead of working on their issues. Just throw the child away. This makes my blood freaking BOIL! Parents don’t usually do this with their biological children.
How on earth are you helping this child, when he’s been rejected by your family already ? Why can’t the child just move in with their biological dad ? You are not the right fit for this child. If his adoptive parents aren’t willing to do the work, and your family wasn’t willing to do the work, AND he has a good relationship with his biological dad, why wouldn’t THAT be the goal – instead of sending him back to your home, where you already rejected him before AND he clashes with your husband “at least once a week”?!!!
Do this child a favor and WALK AWAY. You’re not the right fit for him. This post infuriated me. Why continue to triangulate his relationships ? I’m seeing RED, when I read your responses. Don’t come here and expect absolution. This poor kid!!!!!
The original poster’s response was – he was in another home that closed before us. His dad was on his last month of his program and doing great.
The response to that was – if his dad is doing so good, why isn’t the child with him ?!? I understand that it’s not your fault – it’s what the system does – but grrrrr – IF PARENTS ARE DOING GOOD, THEN RETURN THEM TO THEIR PARENTS!!!! The whole point of foster care is to love these kids, until they can go home. Yes, it will absolutely cause more trauma, bouncing around like a ping pong.
Someone else noted – Teens can be tough, whether they are biological, adoptive, foster, etc. That doesn’t mean you give up. You should have learned in training that every move is trauma. You are stringing this kid along, who needs someone in his corner, who will help him. You admit that your husband is fighting him. Kids and parents are going to argue (particularly teens), but this sounds well outside the realm of “normal” and by your description, it sounds like your husband is the one triggering most of it. If you can’t handle normal teenage behavior (disobedience is normal), you have no place to try to take this young man back into your home.
Bottom line from someone else – as someone who had to stay months at a time with kin who didn’t want me in their space, let me just say that I’d rather sleep anywhere else safe, than in a space I am unwanted. The feeling of being unwanted is horrid. Don’t invite him into your home, if your husband values his space more than this child.
One of the scariest things for an adoptee is to attempt a reunion with their birth parents after they reach adulthood because there is this sticky situation of how the adoptive parents will react to this situation. The image above comes from a blog titled – LINK>Reunion rocks. Reunion sucks. The author notes – *Adoptive parents who are not supportive of an adoptee’s right to search, you are a whole other blog. Sit tight. It was that issue that started my blog this morning.
In my all things adoption group, a young woman shared – “I’m wanting to connect with fellow adoptees and get some insight from anyone that has gone through this. I am wanting to finally pursue a relationship with my birth mother and my adoptive family is upset. I‘m just at a loss right now. I wished my birth mother a happy birthday yesterday and they are blowing it out of proportion. I feel sick.”
The jealousy was apparent. The adoptive parents stress – You had a pretty good life even though you don’t think you did. The adoptee counters in defense to an accusation – I never said she was the best mom ever (referring to her birth mom) and I don’t refer to her as my mom. She then asserts – I deserve to have a relationship with her in whatever capacity I wish and I won’t feel guilty about it and you don’t need to feel threatened. Then the honesty – I never said I had a bad life but there are so many things about adoption that are simply not okay.
What it comes down to is the adoptive parents’ feelings. The reality is that because of the adoptive parents’ feelings, any relationship that the adoptee develops with her birth mother will unavoidably alter in some way the relationship with her adoptive parents. (blogger’s note – I understand this, although I am not an adoptee – both of my parents were. Their adoptive parents were the only grandparents I knew growing up and for MOST of my adult life. As I began to learn about my original grandparents, after my parents and my adoptive grandparents had died, it did affect for a period of time how I felt about the adoptive ones. I needed time to sort out my feelings. This is entirely normal when dealing with such complex family relationships.)
I found this advice realistic – They will adjust. They need to process their new normal. Don’t take it personally because you did nothing wrong. Every family situation is different and the people involved. Respect and empathize with their response but don’t let it get in the way of your connecting. And connect with other adult adoptees who will always understand. I know it’s not easy…I know that as an adoptee. But I’m not allowing my adoptive family to make me feel bad anymore. It’s a natural thing to want that connection with one’s birth relatives. It’s natural for the adoptive family to feel insecure or fear the unknown. Just humans doing the best they know how. Some would describe this as white washing…I just think it’s looking at it from different angles and still respecting your own individual wishes. You’ve got this!
From a mom who lost her children to Child Protective Services, in my all things adoption group – what is the best concise paragraph you have found to comment with, that shares that adoption is trauma, kids should never have to feel grateful for food and shelter, and that in many cases the trauma of being taken away from parents using drugs is greater than living with them?
Also that some people are involved in foster care for the money (I always always get “it’s not enough money to motivate people” but I am from a small poor town in a rural area and that extra $600 or whatever a month IS a huge motivator for many).
The reality is that people do have their kids taken away due to poverty, for not paying their electric bill, but foster parents get financial help to pay their bills.
This image came from a site FOR adoptions – LINK>Absolute Love Adoptions. I would agree with the author, Kathryn Russell, that is often simply a failure of the expectations around any adoption. I arrived there simply looking through google for an image to illustrate today’s blog.
In my all things adoption group, this story was conveyed from a ‘failed adoption group’ (I suppose intended as a support for such circumstances). The one experiencing this writes – “I just experienced my second failed adoption a week and a half ago. After taking baby home from the hospital and having her for two weeks, her birth mom changed her mind. I’m so incredibly mad. Mad at the system that provides little to no protection for adoptive parents. I’m mad at the people around the birth mom who encouraged her to parent her baby. And I’m mad at her for choosing to be selfish and do what’s best for her and not what’s best for her child. This is all so raw for me. I’m mad and I’m bitter. And to be honest, after this second failed adoption, I will not try again. My heart cannot take it.”
The person who shared this noted – “This person managed to hit almost ALL the Narcissistic Savior hopeful adoptive parent (HAP) statements …. Showing how most HAP’S ‘Really Feel’… as they sweet talk expectant mom’s like they are going to be ‘one big family’…. vs the reality that many closing “open” adoptions before the adoptee reaches the age of 3….”
A heroine in the group, who is the paternal grandmother of a little girl, who is now reunited with her, after an illegal adoption attempt that took place without the father’s consent (who is understandably now a Fathers Rights Advocate) comments – “Good! Don’t try again. You being mad that she wanted to parent HER child! You calling HER selfish! You presuming you know what’s “best” for the child shows you know NOTHING and are completely unqualified to be a parent natural or otherwise… just don’t have a child AT ALL..” She adds – “I think the revocation period should be extended not shortened. And fathers need to be ON BOARD 100%, and the mothers should not be allowed to lie about fathers without consequences.”
In response to her, the original poster commented – another Poster on the failed adoption group thread complained about having to “give her baby back after 6 MONTHS”. Because the father changed HIS mind at the last minute (yet, the agency still placed baby with ‘HAP’s)….and the baby’s DAD had the nerve to “Give Her Baby” to his Sister to raise….once she went back with them. The very Nerve !
Note !! parenting Your Own Baby is Not being selfish ! And support should be available to those wishing to parent ! No one that posted seems to understand that the agencies are the ones ‘keeping their money’. Not the birth parents ! (remember the reimbursement for living expenses is a ‘gift’ with no strings) and is small change compared to the agency fees.
From a domestic infant adoptee who was taken during the LINK>Baby Scoop Era (which started after the end of World War II and ended somewhat around 1972) – “While I can understand her disappointment and grief in not getting what she was expecting, she definitely needs to do a lot of work on herself. She is definitely not anywhere ready to parent anyone. I see this kind of reaction far too often. People need to understand that babies are not property to be bought and sold. I see people commenting that parents should not be able to keep their babies, if they have indicated that they are interested in placing. I worry that adoption laws will be changed making it legal for irrevocable contracts to be made pre-birth.”
To which another adoptee replied – I so wish my teenage mom would have been allowed the opportunity to parent me, her mother wouldn’t “allow it.” In turn, I was a 30 week premie, given to an unstable couple (adoptive dad did sexual abuse – they divorced 2 years after I was born) and a “loving adoptive mother” who told me how much I cost them when I was only 3.5 years old.
A mother who lost her baby to adoption (she was also a baby scoop infant adoptee) notes – I tried to change my mind when he was born. I had both the agency director and the AM on the phone with me (this was 1990) telling me that I just couldn’t do that to them. I had happened to pick their file literally on the day they put it back in active rotation, after the previous “birthmom” changed her mind after birth. I was told I would be destroying them, if I kept my baby.
She follows up with this rest of the story – both my son’s dad and I have been diagnosed with PTSD because of it. It’s been years of healing. My son is married now, with a baby of his own (best grand baby in the world). They chose to put down roots half an hour from me. His adoptive parents moved him 8 hours away, when he was 9. I only got to see him once from ages 9-17. They still live there. Now, I am the one who gets to babysit and dog sit and see them whenever I want. His daughter is growing up with no distinction between who he was raised with or not. My other kids (I had 4 more, years after him) are just aunts and uncles and I’m just grandma. It feels like the universe is righting itself, and I am so, so grateful to him.
An adoptee noted – Interesting how all their coercion tactics revolved around their feelings but not the wellbeing of the child. Which is so grossly typical of HAPs.
Another adoptee said – There should be a MINIMUM of a one year period in which mothers (or fathers) can change their mind. If we did away with adoption completely and required cases in which adoption would normally take place – to be placed as a guardianship or joint custody – this would be a non-issue because the parents could always access visitation rights and an ability to get their child back, when they are ready. Protection should never be for adoptive parents. Ever.
Another added – for that year, financial support should be provided, affordable childcare should be a guarantee, and any other obstacles should be removed – so that parents can make the informed decision regarding whether or not relinquishment is truly the solution.
An adoptee fostered from birth and then into a forced adoption at the age of 10 says – if a carer/HAP ever did less than the agreed-to (contracted in an OPEN adoption), the first parents have the legal right to reunite with their child(ren) and rescind any previous relinquishment. I mean, if we are asking for “pie in the sky” protections, that one has gotta be in there. The amount of times that a previously open adoption slams closed is astounding and calls into question the adoptive parents ability to properly parent, in truth and with the child’s best interests at the forefront.
Response to a FORMER hopeful adoptive parent – You help families avoid being separated. It’s ok to admit we were FHAP. We did the research and learned and grew and changed our minds. We thought it was a good deed, now we know better. We were wrong.
She notes – I’m here exactly for the same reason as you. I don’t even have a husband lol and was nowhere near ready to adopt but thought about it as something maybe in the future, like in 10 years and thought it should be an older child too. I think it’s helpful for HAP to see how many FHAPs are in this space.
Another person says this – isn’t this a really heinous misuse of “failed adoption” ? I thought that failed adoption referred to an adoption that is disrupted/terminated by the adoptive parents, leaving the child without guardians/parents – as in, the adoption itself failed as an outcome. Calling it a “failed adoption” because a family was able to stay intact is just so backwards and wrong, it just didn’t happen because it was no longer necessary. Like having a surgery to save somebody’s leg and calling it a “failed amputation” ?
Another mom who lost her baby to adoption – I have often thought that if only I had had someone, one person, who would have encouraged me to parent my baby, I never would have given him up back in 1973. Months later, my then sis in law said to me, “you had a chance at motherhood which you were ready for and you turned it down”. This wasn’t said in a loving way, she was listing all the things I was doing wrong in my life, and that was one. But at the time, she never said anything about how I was really ready to be a mom.
Another one agreed – same – I wanted to parent so desperately but no one around me encouraged or supported that choice.
The original poster notes that the failed adoption group – is full of Unfulfilled Hap’s showing exactly how they ‘Really’ feel about Expectant Mom’s, Mom’s who change their minds. The Mom’s friends, Families and group such as this who step forward to assist Mom’s ( and Dad’s) to parent. She hit almost all the visceral reactions / opinions of Many HAP’S and AP’s…. who will act like an expectant mom’s BFF until the revoke period ends.. And they believe ‘laws need to be put in place’. To ‘protect HAP’S’ from loosing their money and getting their hearts broken. Keep in mind that many HAP’S have ‘Go Fund Me accounts etc….’ Something the expectant mom’s are not able to do. Also the number of these HAP’S complaining that their beautiful nursery and clothes are ‘going to waste’ and will need to be sold….. (How many expectant mom’s who parented had the HAP’S leave so much as a car seat or filled diaper bag?) How many expectant mom’s who decided to parent have had Child Protective Services called on them by HAP’S and the adoption agency? Sadly – Many ….
Several new things today to pass along, thanks to mention of them in my all things adoption group. Not recommending or saying anything more from me than mentioning these and passing along some comments from others. I’ve been having a very odd week and today is so disrupted, I’m at a loss. So forgive me an easy blog (not the first time but I do try to convey the best of whatever information I come across).
LINK>Adopt Us Kids. Read there were profiles of kids like on a dating site. The site says – “A national project working to ensure that children and teens in foster care get safe, loving, permanent families.” Also this – “AdoptUSKids educates families about foster care and adoption and gives child welfare professionals information and support to help them improve their services. We also maintain the nation’s only federally funded photolisting service that connects waiting children with families.” I guess it was their photolisting service that the person commenting referred to.
The other one was LINK>Fight CPS. CPS stands for Child Protective Services and I’ve learned alot about them and how they function over the last 6 or so years, since I learned the actual stories behind my parents adoptions (both of my parents were adoptees). Thankfully, my parents’ adoptions were in the 1930s and there was not such an entrenched organization at that time but there was a scoundrel by the name of Georgia Tann involved in my mom’s.
The person who mentioned these two said this about the second one – CPS terminates the children’s parents’ rights, even though they don’t have a home for these children to go to and so, they end up in foster care. That person goes on to say – I don’t think a lot of people realize how corrupt and twisted the family court system is. How do you take kids, make the parents jump through hoops and then after a year and a half terminate their rights ? The kids then get lost in the child welfare system and sometimes (if adopted) end up forced to have a new mom and dad. She notes – I’ve posted before about how abusive my adoptive home was, and I know my story isn’t unique. This is literally legal human trafficking.
Someone else mentioned – LINK>Adoptly. You can “swipe left or right on potential children.” Bottom line is that there is so much money to be made within the adoption industry that it is crawling with tons of opportunities to get into the game – as either a provider of children or an agency doing that. Sadly. Adoption reform activists are saying the quiet parts out loud these days to better inform the public at large about what is going on.
Someone who adopted from foster care notes – all the photolistings are pretty horrible. Super creepy when they describe the kids as attractive, beautiful, etc. Also teens with unique first names who also use social media… CAN be tracked down by internet weirdos, it’s extremely dangerous.
Sigh . . . the effort can feel overwhelming and discouraging. Maybe it’s just my mood today. For that I apologize and note, things will be different tomorrow (or even later tonight) LOL.
Missing Mom 