At Best, Unconditional is BS

From a Late Discovery Adoptee (didn’t know they were adopted until late in life) –

Was cleaning out my garage and have made a pile of adoptive family stuff to heave out of my life. Found a letter my adoptive parents’ daughter that she included when sending me the stuff that I told her I do not want. She has never taken any responsibility for her part in deceiving me. She has never attempted to learn anything about the trauma of either adoption or betrayal. Instead she insists she has always loved me unconditionally.

Please.

I see this word used so frequently by adopters and their family members when talking to or about adopted people in the home.

I see how so many of us absolutely hate this language. Hate. It. It’s triggering and often lazy and often used, perhaps unconsciously, to dismiss the feelings and experiences the adopted person is trying to share. The adopter people are feeling uncomfortable, so they whip out unconditional.

I feel like it needs to be added to the list of things to never say to an adopted person. Instead, maybe if the adopters are uncomfortable or feel they need to reassure the adopted person, they could really listen and validate the persons feelings and ask them What can I do to help? What would me reassuring you sound and feel like? How can I help support you? What could I change about our interactions?

I know it’s not just me who thinks unconditional is, at best, bs. Thoughts? Ideas?

An adoptive parent asks – What language would you prefer ? It’s a never win situation for some of us who loved so much, we chose to be there for a stranger’s child as well as our own. Clearly some just choose to be angry at us in lieu of the one that abandoned them. It was a simple question in response to words she didn’t want to hear. I was curious. But clearly some truly don’t want a resolution but choose instead to stew in unnecessary hate.

She replied – it’s not just an issue of language. It’s the intent and the impact as well. Think about this – if I was chosen, that implies that I met some expectation or that they had hopes that I would meet some expectation. Choosing me meant others were not chosen, right ? So then, I fail to live up to any or all of those expectations by say, expressing myself in a way that makes them uneasy. They then “reassure” me that they love me unconditionally. They don’t acknowledge or validate my feelings or apologize or seek to understand. They just try to wave it all away with the Unconditional wand. It’s like shorthand for we don’t care. Or at least, we don’t care enough to actually hold space for you in an authentic way. Just be mollified and move on. I’d much rather be told, yeah, we are disappointed that you don’t feel loved. Or yes, we hoped you would be happy but since you are not, what can we do to be here for you ? Or even, yep, we don’t particularly like you. At least that’s honest.

Another person who was fostered from birth then into a forced adopt at age 10 shares – I was abused by my foster “carer” to adoptress who never really loved me, but I was a good tool to help them have their “miracle bio-children”, once I was in their home. Unconditional Love is a misnomer – it’s easy & lazy to use the phrase, especially when that love is absolutely A1 Conditional. I’m sure as an adopter you now get to own a child that has another history outside of you and your family’s. It is not the same way that my mother was simply and will always be my mother – she was the only one who ever showed me unconditional love – not selfless love, but love without any strings… until she was not permitted to ever see me again or speak with me again. Those were the conditions that a Closed Adoption and a selfish, self-centered adopter and adoption agency made sure would stick for the rest of my life.

Another adoptee noted – Acknowledging their role in my trauma would have been nice.

Lastly from another adoptee – Unconditional love doesn’t exist. Everyone must meet certain conditions for it. But in your case, I think “unconditional” is being directed at you. Because their love for you was conditioned on you not knowing about being adopted. And now that you do know, you’re supposed to act like it never happened ? Definitely appalling disrespect toward you and a betrayal. In general, I find it to be a silencing and manipulation tactic and the opposite of them doing the work of connecting to us, where we are. I never wanted reassurance I was loved. I wanted it shown and it never was.

National Adoption Awareness Month

I’ve been pretty much “out of it” this month as regards my blog here. My apologies. With the month almost over, I’m just now learning that it has been National Adoption Awareness Month. What I might wish for people to have an awareness of – is that there is always an aspect of trauma associated with adoption. My suggestion would be to listen more to adoptee voices and less to the rainbows and unicorns narratives of the FOR PROFIT adoption industry.

One adoptee suggested a topic – what is something you should NOT do / say to an adoptee ? One example was – you should never use the way an adoptee was conceived (in this case, a one night stand) against them. It was further pointed out what should be obvious – “we didn’t ask to be here.”

Another – Never say “she loved you so much that she gave you up.“

Or this – “We *chose* you”. I don’t even know what this means, other than *she* did not…? Or that other parents were stuck with their kids ? Like they don’t have a choice…? Or that they looked at others and picked me…? It’s insincere… and untrue. It alludes to picking the ripest fruit or something… we were in the market for a kid and we chose you. As I got older, it felt much more cringe when they said it. (Especially given their treatment of us.)

“Have you ever thought about finding your birth parents?” Immediately followed up with “What do you mean you (want to/don’t want to) find your birth family?” From another – Never tell your adopted child to “go find your real parents”.

Never tell adoptees that they are “lucky” for being adopted. It certainly doesn’t feel lucky to be sold to the highest bidder. Or, you were chosen. To which this adoptee said – No, I was stolen and used for a lonely woman to project her own twisted maternal fantasies onto. To which one noted – “oh, you must feel so lucky that you got picked to be apart of such an amazing family !”

From yet another – I get sick of people saying that this was designed by God for us to be put in our adoptive families because that means that God made a mistake by putting us in the wrong womb. As a transracial adoptee, it was always who are your real parents ? Why do you not look like your parents ? Also, how much did I cost ? It’s also a hard question to process for us to know that we cost people money and in turn feel that we have to live up to that cost in someway.

An interesting story then got shared due to that cost question – I don’t know if this is “better” or “worse” but I know my adoption was very inexpensive, just a couple hundred dollars in court costs back in the 80’s. I remember telling a ‘friend’ of mine what the amount was in high school (don’t ask why, I don’t remember) and he figured out how many bottles of Fruitopia I was “worth”. It’s probably the only time I personally felt shame about being adopted and the only time I felt like a “commodity”. I was/am fortunate to have a good relationship with my AP’s, but that memory will always hurt….

One notes – Using my adoption as a talking point about your pro-life stance. That’s a MAJOR pet peeve of mine. Assuming how I feel about either set of parents…. ugh. I hate the use of the term *real parents*. Assuming my race is annoying.

One responded to that with this – In response to the “pro life prop” – it’s not like we had any say or choice or memory about coming into existence ! At nearly 40 years old, I’m just recently (as in the past couple of months) understanding that some of the feelings I’ve held for decades are actually trauma responses. Seeing other people that are scarred similarly has been triggering and painful, but it’s also really helped validate some of these emotions and is helping me realize I’m not alone.

Another adoptee shares – You had a better life. You should be grateful. At least your biological mom didn’t abort you. You look just like your parents (the adoptive ones). Happy “gotcha day”! She goes on – Not recognizing the loss of an adoptee’s biological family and anyone making ANY comment about them to an adoptee in a negative light. Other people telling MY story. It’s not your story STFU. My adopted parents commenting about how my life “wasn’t that bad” when I talk about how traumatic my life has been. Minimizing our loss or our trauma. Any comment that includes “I know someone who’s adopted” or your cousins adopted etc etc. If you don’t know anything about the subject matter, just move along. I literally could keep going.

A birth mother says – It’s not adoption APPRECIATION month.. it’s national adoption awareness month. Big difference. We don’t want to appreciate it, as it sucks. Nor do we wish others to grow in this appreciation, as that’s the false narrative. We want them to be aware of the realities.

Some adoptees are trying to take this month back, as national adoptee awareness month. Since adoptees are the most affected by adoption, their voices should be the ones heard.

Do Better

From an adoptee – the number of adoptive parents I encounter in the wild, who had no idea they needed to do real work on themselves before adopting, is insanity. You took someone else’s child and you thought you were just a perfect person I guess??? I’ve been working on myself since I knew that was a thing – for my biological children. You should want way better for your adoptive children. Do better.

Clueless

If I hadn’t seen this, I would not have believed anyone could be so self-centered and willing to do something so illegal. Someone had the nerve to post this comment – “I would like to buy someone’s child on credit.”

Initially translated to read – “Furthermore, I would love to bless our family with another baby, perhaps helping a mother out that does not wish to be a mother. I understand the cost associated with this, and wish to help the mother, but I do not have the means currently to finance $50,000 in medical costs and attorney fees. If anyone has any advice, I welcome that. It is on my heart to be an adoptive mother.”

Further translated more directly – “I would like to grow my family by preying upon a mother who doesn’t have the resources/support to parent and instead of helping mothers through temporary circumstances, I’d like to pressure them into giving me their child and convince them it’s actually a good thing.”

The “translations” were simply her calling it like it is – if one is more informed than the average person about adoption issues. Someone said her that she “sounded like Satan was speaking through her”.

She says, “I think they got it a little twisted.” The person in that group tried to use the fact that very briefly she hoped to adopt. She had made one post about affording adoptions. She notes – “When my husband and I started to look into it, we realized it felt really gross and stopped trying to adopt. But God forbid someone see truth and change” (their perspective on the practice).

An adoptive parent admits – many of us had never heard that narrative before. We were told we were doing a wonderful thing. Good for you for challenging that narrative in such a blunt way. Hopefully even if she can’t hear it right now, your comments will make others think.

And this bit of history was shocking for me – Think about what the collateral on the loan would be. From 1619-1865, the collateral was the financed human being. If the loan wasn’t paid, the bank would come by, pick up the financed human being and resell them.

Someone responded with this – FINANCE A CHILD?! JUST WHEN I THOUGHT I’VE HEARD IT ALL!!

Another noted – “This is an excellent example of how people openly and publicly incriminate themselves. Posts like this should be reported to the authorities. Making clear statements of buying a human being is trafficking. Human trafficking is a crime. Period.” To which another agreed that it was is clearly an open offer to buy a child.

When Open Stays Open

Too often I have read about Open Adoptions that don’t stay that way very long. Today a mother of loss (gave a child up for adoption) writes – I’d really like to hear from Adoptees who had or have a very open adoption. In what ways is the open adoption helpful and in what ways does it suck? What can the natural mama do over the years? All I do is obsess over adoption now – it’s always in the back or front of my mind having all this deep regret that what we did isn’t serving her or me. So what can I do, what plan can I formulate, to give my mind even the slightest bit of peace.

Another woman responds – it appears that my experience is very different from most here. My daughter is 20, and I don’t regret placing her. Yes, it was hard early on, but it truly was for the best. Her adoptive parents are truly wonderful people who have always been open to communication, etc. As she’s an adult now, I reach out to her more in a direct manner, but continue to leave the ball in her corner so to speak. I don’t want to pressure her into something. She has had a wonderful life, and I’m thankful for that. I know I wouldn’t have been happy if it was a closed adoption, so open was the best for me. I cherish her adoptive parents for being open and wonderful, and giving her the support she needed and needs. But I’ve done a bit of therapy and self reflection over the years, which has been incredibly helpful in healing who I am.

For more information on improving open adoptions, I also found this – LINK>Three Shifts to Bridge the Gap Between Birth Families and Adoptive Families for the Adoptees We Love by Lori Holden. “Adoption creates a split between a person’s biology and biography, and openness is an essential way to help adoptees heal this split.”

3 Benefits of Openness are described –

Openness strengthens an adoptee’s sense of identity.
Openness encourages an adoptee’s attachment to adoptive parent(s).
Openness can decrease an adoptee’s sense of abandonment.

Ending Adoption – Chinese Babies

From Adoption.com – LINK>6 Things You Should Know – #1 There are no babies. Though dated (2018), “there are just no babies available for international adoption (in China). The world has changed a lot in the past twenty or so years, and while at one point it was common for parents to quickly bring home a very young girl, that is no longer that case. The children who are coming home now are older and have special needs of one sort or another. Younger children who are young and healthy are being adopted domestically, and it is not necessary to have them adopted overseas. This is a good thing.

More current is this article in The Guardian dated Sept 5 2024 – LINK>China says it is ending foreign adoptions. Here is a statistic – US families have adopted 82,674 children from China, the most of any country.

At a daily briefing on Thursday, Mao Ning, a spokesperson for the Chinese foreign ministry, said Beijing was no longer allowing intercountry adoptions of children from China, with the only exception for blood relatives to adopt a child or a stepchild. Mao did not explain the decision other than to say that it was in line with the spirit of relevant international conventions. “We express our appreciation to those foreign governments and families, who wish to adopt Chinese children, for their good intention and the love and kindness they have shown,” she added.

In letters sent to some adoption agencies on Wednesday, and shared on social media, the US state department said it had been told by Chinese authorities that all other pending adoptions were cancelled, except those with already issued travel authorizations. In a phone call with US diplomats in China, Beijing said it “will not continue to process cases at any stage” other than those cases covered by an exception clause. The embassy is seeking clarification in writing from China’s ministry of civil affairs, the US state department said on Thursday. The state department said: “We understand there are hundreds of families still pending completion of their adoption, and we sympathize with their situation.”

The Nanchang Project, a US-based group that works with Chinese adoptees and their adoptive parents to help adoptees find their biological families said the announcement marked “the end of an era”. It added: “It is our profound hope that the remaining children in China receive the attention, medical care, and love they deserve.”

The number of newborn babies in China fell to 9.02 million in 2023, and the overall population declined for the second consecutive year. Amid a series of government measures designed to encourage more births, China’s decades-long one-child policy – which was a key driver of babies, especially girls, being put up for adoption – was phased out.

Adoption Reform

Trying to come up with a topic for today – two words came to mind as closest to my heart – Adoption Reform. I googled the words and found LINK>The Outspoken Adoptee. I am happy to share her with you.

She writes – “I am a domestic private infant adoptee, that was adopted transracially by white parents in 1976, in Utah. I was giving up at birth, and left in a hospital by my racist biological maternal family. This was done because they believed their Mormon faith could not sustain a Black child within the home. My biological mother had been dating my father for many years, even living with him, yet she chose to leave her firstborn daughter in a hospital alone. My biological mother went on to become pregnant six months later with my all-white half sister, whom was kept and raised by the very family that exiled me from it. My mission now it to bring awareness to the corrupt private adoption system that profits billions off of selling babies, and children.”

She posts the definition of “reform” – “verb, Make changes in (something, typically a social, political, or economic institution or practice) in order to improve it.” and adds “an opportunity to reform and restructure an antiquated adoption model.”

It is generally recognized that to be adopted is to be traumatized. She shares – “Trauma-informed care (TIC) is defined by the LINK>National Child Traumatic Stress Network as medical care in which all parties involved assess, recognize and respond to the effects of traumatic stress on children, caregivers and healthcare providers. In the clinical setting, TIC includes the prevention, identification and assessment of trauma, response to trauma and recovery from trauma as a focus of all services.”

She notes – “Adoptees are often asked if we’d rather kids stay in foster care forever rather than them find homes to care for them. This is such an unintelligent question that lacks all critical thinking. So what are the alternatives to adoption, and why are they important?” She lists Kinship, as well as the Fictive type, and Legal Permanent Guardianship.

To answer why these alternatives are better, she writes (I encourage you to go to the link above because she has much more to say) – [1] “The way adoption in the United States is done it’s strips a child in crisis of their basic birthright.” [2] “Furthermore, adoption in the United States also severs all ties to the child’s biological family including siblings, as well as all medical history.” [3] “Children do not need to be legally adopted and stripped of their birthright for a family, whether biological or stranger to care for them. Legal permanent guardianship offers all the same rights.” [4] “Children cannot legally give informed consent to being put into a legally binding contract for life.”

Finally, she notes – “Adoption in the United States also breaks 15/30 rights of a child set-forth by the UN.” LINK>Convention on the Rights of the Child.

Adoption Knowledge Affiliates

I stumbled on this organization, LINK>Adoption Knowledge Affiliates AKA, today and am just passing along some information about them in case it is useful to anyone who reads these blogs.

AKA recognizes that adoption is a lifelong journey. If you have listened to adult adoptees at all you know this. They realize that only only people with a direct connection to adoption can really understand how wide reaching being adopted is. They are inclusive of the foster care and donor conceived community as well. They are a community of people who understand that the feelings connected to separation, identity, and loss can come up again and again for any member of our community.

Their site includes a blog. I found the most recent addition there useful – LINK>The Big Empty (But Don’t Talk About It). It was written in support of the theme – “Disenfranchised Grief and Ambiguous Loss.” She goes on to define what those two terms mean when she encounters them. The term “disenfranchised grief” refers to not being socially entitled to grieve. Ambiguous loss refers to those left without answers, without closure.

She mentions that “I heard those terms bundled up like a two-fer and applied to members of the adoption constellation. Loss is the foundation upon which adoption is built, sometimes forged atop unresolved infertility grief. Birth/first parents are told to move past what little grief they’re permitted. Adoptive parents are told to act “as if” this new child had always been theirs.”

“And adoptees… Well, we’re left to live in that house constructed by everyone but us and, for the most part, don’t question what it’s made of. And we darn sure don’t peel back the wallpaper. Okay, enough with the house metaphor. You get it, right?”

Separating The Two

I received a nice message from an adoptive mother who found this blog. I do try to be realistic about adoption. But for adoption, I simply would not exist. Both of my parents were adoptees. Also, both of my sisters gave up babies for adoption – both of these now grown individuals – a niece and a nephew – have met the family who’s genetic inheritance is part of their own. I am glad for these reunions.

An adoptee I respect wrote – I have recently been reminded of the importance to distinguish adoption from the industry and criminal practices that have confused and conflated the two. To regain clarity, it does start with recognizing this distinction between adoption and the industry.

He continues – The challenge comes when we start dismantling the way modern adoption works. The very definition states “the fact or act of legally taking someone else’s child and raising it as your own.” This definition does not identify orphaned child, falsifying birth records, coercive tactics of separating the child from their origins, baby farming, child harvesting, colonization, cultural eradication, and war crimes, leaving it conveniently vague as “legally taking” which all the above has been identified as adoption.

Domestically, foster care is used as a means to adopt, where states have been incentivized to remove children and terminate parental rights which makes them eligible for adoption. Again, this is due to the industry and practices of recruitment, supply and demand, and sustainability of a waning human market.

The majority of laws and policies are focused on making these practices more streamlined and ethical. Curious why this is an issue when it comes to child protection and child welfare, especially since it has been well documented for generations. Books like The Child Catchers, The Girls Who Went Away, American Baby, Relinquished among others have brought up adoption as an industry in great detail.

The problem that remains is how the US continues to be a stronghold for the industry. Those in leadership positions have used pro-industry propaganda: “adoption is an option” and “best interest of the child because it gives them a better life” – continuing to conflate adoption with the industry and its criminal practices.

I have been saying that we need to call it for what it really is… only then can we begin to offer solutions. The first step to problem solving is identifying the problem. To your point, adoption is not the problem, it’s how adoptions are being conducted. Removing children from living parents and relatives through force, threat of force, abduction, kidnapping, coercion, deception, falsifying documents, transporting and “rehoming” and exploitation for profit are all elements of another term: trafficking. Sadly, the vast majority simply refuse to acknowledge this despite the overwhelming evidence. Even with admitting the truth, people argue “but not all adoptions are trafficking” – but we’re no longer talking about adoptions at this point are we?

I want also to share this from a kinship adoptive parent – I feel like a lot of this comes from our consumer mentality (as a nation). Because we’re such capitalists, we think that money is what makes one home better than another. Instead of supporting mothers who are struggling, we often perpetuate the lie that their child will be better with someone who can afford to give them more. So little of the industry centers around children and what’s best for them. Over and over, studies show that mom/family is best whenever possible, but our foster and adoption system don’t follow science.

The adoptee above responded to this with – children (born and unborn) are the focus of the industry as the products/commodities it’s selling. The propaganda diverts attention from this crime by focusing on the buyers and making it into a human rights issue of reproductive rights.

Doing What Is Right

LOVE this heart-warming approach that shows such love, respect and consideration !!

My cousin is pregnant and was put in a horrible situation from the child’s father. She tried getting help in her state for support, but they all were pushing her for adoption. The deferent organization wouldn’t help her with anything unless she filled out paperwork agreeing to adoption. I did let her know, if she did want to put the baby up for adoption, I would step in and do that. But if she just thought she couldn’t do it alone, then she could move in with us and we would help her with it all.

I bought her a plane ticket and we have been getting everything together for her – medical insurance, WIC, Dr appointments, job interviews and everything. We are definitely working on things daily, trying to figure out how to make it all work… but we are doing it.

She was only able to come with one bag, so we are starting from scratch. We are trying to figure it all out. I posted in local moms group for pregnancy clothes. Hopefully, we will find a few more things for her.

Yesterday she asked me, “once I get on my feet and I have the baby, do I have to move out”? I said, “absolutely not, you can stay as long as you like.” I could see the relief on her face. I have older kids and a toddler, I told her we could just raise the little ones together, they will be like sisters. I think she will be a great mom, she is wonderful with my little one.

We are currently doing work on the house, trying to figure out rooms and space for everyone. It is a lot but we are determined to make it work. Baby arrives in a few months. We have a lot to do, to get ready, but we are making it all happen !