It’s The Industry That Brainwashes

From an adoptee – Let me be clear about my position on adoption. As someone who was taken from his homeland, I have accepted a truth that what happened to me was not adoption. I now work to recover from the brainwashing and propaganda of an industry that originated from human trafficking and child slavery. Such crimes that have found a way to hide behind a more comfortable euphemism: adoption.

At this point, do I get upset when I come across someone who is still brainwashed? Absolutely! It takes me a few minutes to remember I was there once not too long ago. It’s the industry and those who have perverted the term Adoption, and have made the billions off human lives, our lives.

Those who have been brainwashed by the propaganda can not be blamed. I was caught up in the cover-up scheme as well. (blogger’s note – as I was myself, the child of two adoptees.) It is a process of deprogramming ourselves, not from the fantasies or illusions, but from outright coercion and deception. What we refer to as the narratives are in fact the messages produced by the industry’s propaganda machine.

I am fighting in this war against the adoption industry, not against adoption itself. I am saddened that so many continue to be brainwashed, ignorant and stuck in their fantasies, or willfully holding onto their denial. At times it’s overwhelming and hopeless, triggering and depressing, but truth will prevail and I am inspired by the growing number of others who are also fighting against this criminal scheme.

We were once held prisoner by our own fear, but now we are finding strength and courage in community resilience. We are learning how to unite and fight together. Where we are hundreds today, there will be millions in the future.

Often They DO Have A Family

The Davis Family with Ugandan Adoptee

I was previously aware of this issue – adoptees from outside of the US actually having a family before the adoptive family. Saw a story today that was on CNN by Jessica Davis titled LINK>The ‘orphan’ I adopted from Uganda already had a family.

Jessica writes – I’ve always hoped to make a difference in this world. To bring goodness, peace or healing to a world that often seems inundated with loss, hardship and a vast array of obstacles that make life difficult for so many. When it came to the decision to adopt, it seemed like a no-brainer. I thought this was one way to make a difference, at least for one child. My husband, Adam, and I would open our home and our hearts to a child in need.

Adam and I thoroughly researched at each step of the process in the hopes of ensuring a proper and ethical adoption. You see, we were already parents to four biological children, so this was not about “having another child” or simply “growing our family.” For us, adopting was about sharing our abundance – our family, love and home with a child who lacked these basic necessities.

She writes – I remember reading that there are almost 3 million orphans in Uganda, and with that statistic in mind (and a bit more research), in October of 2013 we began the journey to adopt from there. We did piles of paperwork, got countless sets of fingerprints and spent tens of thousands of dollars. It took a little over a year to get through all the formalities, but I was driven to get to the best part of this process, meeting the needs of a child.

In 2015, we welcomed a beautiful, strong and brave 6-year-old girl named Namata into our home. It took a little over a year and a half to realize the things “our” child was telling us were not adding up to the stories told within the paperwork and provided to us by our adoption agency, European Adoption Consultants, Inc. In fact, later on, the US State Department debarred the agency for three years, meaning it could no longer place children in homes. The State Department said it found “evidence of a pattern of serious, willful or grossly negligent failure to comply with the standards and of aggravating circumstances indicating that continued accreditation of EAC would not be in the best interests of the children and families concerned.”

When she began listening with openness, instead of being clouded by her own privilege and experiences, she realized what her adopted daughter was so desperately trying to get her to understand. The child we had struggled for years to adopt was not an orphan at all, and almost everything that was written in her paperwork and told to us about her background was not an accurate description of her life in Uganda.

Jessica continues – we eventually uncovered that she had a very loving family from which she had been unlawfully taken, in order (we believe and are convinced) to provide an “orphan” to fulfill our application to adopt. Namata’s mother was told only that Adam and I were going to care for her child, while we provided her with an education, which is a central pathway to empowerment and opportunity in Uganda. She never knowingly relinquished her rights as Namata’s mother, but once there was a verbal confirmation that we would adopt Namata, those on the ground in Uganda forged paperwork and placed Mata in an orphanage.

The truth is that there are villages in Uganda and across the world where mothers, fathers, siblings and grandparents are desperate to be reunited with the children who were unlawfully separated from them through international adoption. It has been heartbreaking for me to realize that so beautiful and pure an act can be tainted with such evil. But as with so many beautiful things in this world, corruption and greed are a reality – one we can’t simply ignore.

Jessica notes – Throughout the journey to reunite Namata with her family, I have been met with so much resistance, saturated in entitlement and privilege. More than once I have been asked, why don’t you just “keep her”? These are words I use when describing something I purchased at the grocery store! I never owned Namata; she is a human being who deserves better than that type of narrow-minded and selfish thinking. I was told that it was my Christian duty to keep her and “raise her in the proper faith.”

Jessica affirms – My race, country of origin, wealth (though small, it’s greater than that of the vast majority of people in the world), my access to “things,” my religion – none of these privileges entitles me to the children of the poor, voiceless and underprivileged. If anything, I believe these privileges should come with a responsibility to do more, to stand up against such injustices. We can’t let other families be ripped apart to grow our own families!

She shares – I have seen the beauty of a family restored and there is nothing quite like it. Adam and Namata took the long journey to her remote village in Uganda together, while I remained at our home with the biological children. We could not afford for both of us to go, and my husband was concerned for my safety after the corruption I had exposed. He was also just as concerned for Namata’s safety and wanted to be at her side until the moment she was home in the protection of her mother’s arms. So I reluctantly said my goodbyes to her here in America. In September of 2016, Namata’s mother embraced her child with joy and laughter abounding and they have not spent a day apart since. Namata has flourished since being home and I am thankful for that.

Her perspective changed, she adds – What if we decided to do everything in our power to make sure those children could live their lives with the families God intended for them in the first place ? I’m not talking about children taken by necessity from abusive or neglectful homes, but those whose loving families were wrongly persuaded to give them up. Families who thought the decision was out of their control because of illness, poverty, lack of access to education, intimidation, coercion or a false idea about what the “American dream” means for their child.

I have also seen a new wave of opened eyes among parents who adopt children – parents who understand the losses their adopted children have suffered, who listen to them, who rise to the huge obligations and high standards that adoption requires. Only through listening and acknowledging hard truths can adoption lead to an ethical and positive outcome. It may mean a lifetime of making sure a child holds on to his or her cultural or racial identity, or keeping alive his or her ties to their birth family, no matter how hard that may be.

Can’t Stop The Connection

An adoptive parent shares that one year, for Christmas, they did DNA through Ancestry.com to “see how unique” their family is. Hard to believe that it never occurred the them that their adopted son would use the online tool to find his genetic family.

That was a year and a half ago, when he was barely 16 years old. When they learned about it, they asked him to discontinue contact with his birth parents and to wait until he was 18. They indicated that, at that point, they would be fully supportive of him.

However, he didn’t stop talking to his birth father through texts and has shared some personal information that they were not aware of regarding his marijuana use, which is legal in their state after the age of 21. He indicated it helped him with his mental health issues.

The adoptive parents texted the birth parents asking them to stop contacting their son until he turned 18. Their perspective is that the kinds of people who place their children for adoption are not in good circumstances (whatever they think that means). They believed that what they were doing was protecting their son from whatever they believe about the birth parents.

However, that did not stop the adopted son’s birth father from being in contact with him. This makes them feel disrespected by both their 17-1/2 year old son and his birth father. They are turning to a family counselor for assistance.

A thought . . . from an adoptee – he will resent his adoptive parents for keeping his birth parents from him. My adoptive parents also declined my mom reaching out to me before I was 18 and I can only imagine how my life would have been so different knowing her and my sisters most of my life.

Someone else notices the dis-connect – They deliberately gifted their adopted child a DNA test and access to Ancestry.com and they’re completely blindsided by the fact that he found biological relatives during this process??? I’m utterly boggled.

Doing It Right

Today’s story is how someone is doing an open adoption the right way.

My daughter is 5 she knows she was born from mama c’s tummy, and knows that is why she looks different from most of her family. We also have an open adoption that has become much more open over the past year, in the beginning mama c only wanted a few letters and photos no other contact. Once mama c was ready for more we jumped at the relationship. We visit with mama c and bio siblings every couple months (we live 6 hours apart) and text several times a week and even took a vacation with them earlier in the summer.

Even so, an issue has popped up that the mother is seeking advice to handle it as best as she can. The closest in age sibling is just a couple years older and mama c has not wanted to tell the girls that they are sisters. They know how my daughter was born etc but we have not used the term sisters. We just say we are family. Mama c has asked if I know of any books etc to share with here daughter to help make the conversation easier. I am looking for suggestions to help facilitate this conversation because I think the older one for sure knows but does not want to ask the hard questions and my girl is asking questions that I am having to bend the truth in answering, to stay in line with what mama c is comfortable with. Next visit will be Labor Day (we have visited the past 3 days with them) and we are hoping to have that conversation then, if not before. I am trying to follow mama c’a lead here but since she asked about books and for advice during this last visit, I am trying to help, so that we can all get everything out in the open.

One commenter wrote – All these girls need adoption competent therapy! And their mom too. As far as books go, I haven’t found anything good. Most of the adoption books out there are gross because they’re heavily biased towards adoptive parents. One book I love is called LINK>The Rabbit Listened by Cori Doerrfeld. It’s not about adoption or anything specific; it’s about a child who is upset and how they just need to be listened to. You can find that read aloud at the YouTube link above.

One adoptive mother shares her experience – My family is two adopted sons age 13 and 10, then two biological daughters age almost 5 and 2. The natural mother has been a part of almost every vacation and has come to our house several times to spend a week. The almost 5 year old has understood the dynamics of “(natural mother’s name) is my brother’s mama. But not my mama.” I share this to say – this is totally within the range of a 5 year old’s ability to understand.

Another recommends this book, LINK>Sam’s Sister by Juliet C. Bond Lcsw, even though she hasn’t personally read it. I went looking. Here is a summary – Five year-old Rosa suspects that something is wrong with her mama. What she discovers brings immense joy and sadness to her tiny family. Mama is pregnant, but she cannot keep the baby. Instead, she’s arranging an open adoption.

Another shares – I haven’t read this as it doesn’t apply to our situation but LINK>Holly Marlow has written a book that helps children understand that some siblings live at home while another/others may live with family/foster/adopted. It’s only been released in the last couple of weeks. However, a mother of loss disagreed with this recommendation, writing – she seems to be an adoptive parent and, as a natural mother, I’m getting the ick from some of the things I’m seeing she’s written. I really wish adoptive parents would stop writing books, just my personal opinion, we’ve heard enough from them sharing our stuff and profiting off the biological families stories and the children they bought.

Another mother of loss who’s son is in a closed adoption writes – do not have a book to recommend, but I am a first mom who has since had children that I parent. My first child was 11 when the first child I parent was born. Unfortunately the adoption was closed but the entirety of the lives of my children I do parent I tell them about my first son. Every month I write a letter and send it. The children I parent are 2 and <1 year. I have my 2 year old tell me things he wants to tell his big brother. He knows he has a big brother that lives far away with different adults. He regularly looks at photos of his brother, and the rest of our family in family photo albums.

An yet another mother of loss writes – Children should always know their truth. Shame on anyone who keeps it from them. My children always knew they had a sibling who was gone from the family. Because they always knew, there was no need for any conversation or “age appropriate” anything. My daughter on the other hand was never told. It’s bullshit.

An adoptee shares – She just needs to speak it. Kids understand all kinds of things. Therapy would be so beneficial. I knew from before my understanding that I had half siblings, even had a picture of one of them and my adoption was locked down closed (adopted from foster care as a toddler). It’s odd to me that the child’s mother will come for visits and just won’t share the simple, basic truth that they are sisters.

Letting Go Includes “The Name”

I have frequently seen where adoptees, once they are adults, change the name their adoptive parents gave them. The name is like being possessed by “new” parents with their own ideas about who you should be or become.

Just today, I read this from an adoptee – I just had my name legally changed (old A-given middle name changed to my original last name). The process was much faster and easier than I expected. My question for those who have done this before- what is the best order for changing it everywhere else? I know I need a new SS card, amended birth certificate, credit cards, driver’s license, passport, etc. The form for amending the Birth Certificate asks for the original judge’s order (I have that) but specifically states that it won’t be returned. I’m afraid I’ll need it for other places, so do I wait and do that last? It’s all a bit overwhelming and looking online for information was not very helpful. Thank you for any insight you can add.

One adoptive parent noted – Some of this may vary by state, but you can get additional “original” copies of the judge’s order (think they have to have an official stamp). I’d probably try to do passport first, because that can serve as a preferred form of ID for everything else. She notes – We did this exact thing for our adopted kids (international adoption, their country automatically deleted their birth last name in the adoption process, so we went to court to get it back). The first things we updated were their birth certificates and certificates of citizenship, but I think that’s just for foreign-born citizens.

A mother of loss who is also a legal professional shared – In Arizona, the “original” order stays with the court and we request “certified” copies. An original certified copy is just as good as the “original” for all legal purposes. See if this is an option in your state. An adoptee shared – I did this in 2009 (got rid of my hated adoptive parent given middle name and took back my true and original at birth last name) but I don’t remember them keeping the original. Maybe they did do that because I do have an original certified document.

An adoptee who had a first + middle name change shared her process – I was told in Washington state: (1) Name change in the court, get the notarized name change form (get extras, they cost money & you can go back, even though you’ve already done the court), (2) Social security office, (3) DMV, (4) Passport – then everything else. She adds – I skipped the passport because we have enhanced ID in WA but this was the only way to do it really. DMV wouldn’t proceed until Social Security had finished, my Credit Card wouldn’t proceed until I brought in my new ID. Don’t forget to update your name at work, so your taxes don’t get weird. I didn’t change my birth certificate because I was born in a different state than the one I live in and it was too much work. I also have never applied for a passport but I believe they look at your birth certificate ? In that case, birth certificate should go after DMV and before passport. The “everything else”: bank info, car registration, w4, health insurance, etc didn’t have any particular order for me but also I own no assets. If you have a mortgage, they might be finicky but calling whoever makes those happen will get you answers easily, on what they want you to do. also my super secret life hack for dealing with bureaucracy like the social security office and DMV is to go as rural as possible. They’re not slammed busy, they’re nicer, and it’s easier to get appointments. Doing this made my whole process so much smoother

Not Memories To Keep

Most adoptees don’t want to be reminded of their greatest loss and trauma. It is similar to celebrating the “gotcha day” anniversary. One described it this way – “Your whole original family was just erased. Let’s PARTY!”

One commenter said – I don’t like when they share how many days a kid has been in foster care!!! It makes me want to barf, I was kicked out of a group for congratulating a adoptive parent on celebrating their success in destroying a family!! Apparently I was rude and didn’t respect their feelings. Someone else agreed – omg I hate the days in foster care signs– who in their right mind would think it’s a good idea to have photos in their house advertising that info ? And I thought this response sought a positive perspective – I always see it as an indication of how long the parents fought, even though the game was fixed. To which another shares – my one cousin and his ex-wife fought to get their kids back for 3 years and then, one day everything was just done and my little cousins were gone.

Utah – The Exploitative State ?

I happen to like the state of Utah as a tourist. The concerning stories about Utah may be old or obsolete at this point. It read – Utah’s adoption system is by consensus the most exploitative in the nation — a clearinghouse for fast-track, high-dollar placements. Adoption regulations in Utah may be laxer than other states. A couple of hopeful adoptive parents disagree – we had to pass a state background check, and a Federal FBI background check and we had to pass a child abuse background screening as well. However, the hopeful adoptive mother noted – “It can be a huge way for adoptive families to be scammed, for both moms to be scammed, and it can be scary because there’s not a lot of regulation to it.”

I don’t know but it came up in a group again today. Here’s an old story – In 2019, Utah Attorney General’s office announced 11 felony charges against Paul D Petersen. The AG’s office alleges Petersen ran an illegal adoption scheme where he “recruited, transported, and offered payment to pregnant Marshallese women to give their babies up for adoption” in Utah and in other states.

There are risk factors that unfortunately make Utah a good place for people to take advantage of others. Utah’s laws are very pro-adoption. Unwed fathers have a very difficult time asserting their rights in Utah. In some states, unwed fathers automatically have a right to notice and consent. The speed in which adoption can be ordered, the fact that private agencies can handle adoption and the fact that monies can be paid to the relinquishing parents make Utah suspect. One positive change would be to eliminate payment from the adoptive parents or the adoption agency to relinquishing parents.

Fact is – many generalizations made about adoption are just that – generalizations. They have little applicability to specific situations.

Some red flags for any people looking to adopt –

Any adoption process that pays a woman to place their child for adoption. Utah law states agencies can only help pay for pregnancy-related costs for an expectant parent.
If adoptive families notice that agencies or attorneys are charging them for pregnancy-related costs that are tens of thousands of dollars, ask what that money is going toward and if they have documentation. Check to see if the charges are indeed due to pregnancy-related costs and not ways to encourage birth mothers to place their child for adoption.
If an agency or an attorney is unable to explain costs or their fee schedule, this is reason for concern.
If a birth parent has flown in from another state and uses Utah Medicaid. They are not residents and this should raise concern.
If a birth parent does not have any healthcare benefits or Medicaid to help pay for medical costs. If the adoptive family is having to pay for medical expenses all out of pocket, ask the agency or attorney why this is the case.

Also –

If there is a circumstance where agencies or attorneys are flying birth parents into the state of Utah specifically for adoption, inquire about what their process is and why the parent is not placing in the state they reside in. In some circumstances, individuals elect to use Utah to place for adoption due to some of the laws that are not as strict as laws in the birth parent’s residing state. One example is that Utah law does not require birth fathers to relinquish rights in order to move forward with an adoption plan. Also if a birth mother is advised not to involve the father, this is a red flag.
If an agency or attorney is promising a baby for an adoptive family quickly, it is likely too good to be true.
If the adoption cost goes up suddenly at the hospital, this is a red flag.
If you find that adoption costs are different amounts for different races, this is reason for concern.

If you have reason to suspect unethical adoption practice you can:

Report it to the Office of Licensing
Report this to the attorney’s bar, if it is a private adoption
File a police report
Contact The Division of Child and Family Services

What Is Stopping You ?

A natural mother who had two children placed for adoption, asks these questions of adoptive parents – have you actually done the work to work to reunify your child with their biological family and relinquish *your* rights to them ? Have you asked their birth family, if they are now in a place to have their children returned, if they wanted their child back ? For those of you who have open adoption, support visits, talk about how the biological families are doing well and raising other children since placing… What is stopping you from working to repair that family ? Adoption is trauma (even when the child is adopted from birth). So what is stopping you from releasing your hold on that child, and putting them back with their biological family members, if they are in a better place or more able now to raise their child ?

Response by an adoptee – The person who matters the most in this situation is now the child. Both adults have made the choice to adopt and “give up”. If the kids want to be with their REAL family, they should be allowed to do as they please. And each case is so very different. But if the child doesn’t want to be with the natural mother because they are used to the family they are living with, then I think the child gets to make that decision as well. This SHOULD be the child(ren)’s choice to make and no one’s else’s. They are the most affected by it. And this is what both the adopted parents and biological parents should consider – when adopting or giving up for adoption.

An adoptive parent shares – the youngest child in our house is 8; we are guardians. Recently, his mother’s situation has improved. She has said on more than one occasion “I could not handle him” (he has fetal alcohol spectrum disorders – and it creates stress responses and impulse control considerations that are really hard). We listened to that – and know there is more going on for her than just the behaviors – there is grief of her loss(es), there is guilt for the fetal alcohol exposure and other history. He is at a developmental stage where he is processing the loss in his history – and at this moment in time, doesn’t want contact with her. But that is just now, and he is just 8 and it could change. We hold all the needs of all involved loosely, and center him. It’s hard and complex. I appreciate very much your perspective to center him. That can get lost in “adult” conversation.

The one who asked the questions clarifies – have any adoptive parents ASKED the child if they would want to go back to their biological parents or families… Not just hand them over with no communication. I see adoptive parents all the time saying how they know adoption is wrong… But I wonder about those with infants and toddler- if they’ve even tried to see about positively reunifying the family… or older children who have contact, have they asked that question. I think it all looks good on “paper” to say adoption is wrong… but I’m more so curious if there are any wo have actually done the work or made an effort to reverse the situation.

Another adoptee shares her perspective – what is the child’s choice ? What do they want ? Being adopted from birth, if I was randomly given back to my birth family – it’d be adding trauma to trauma. I’d be losing my parents, my siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins etc AGAIN but this time, they are the only ones I’ve ever known and to once again go and live with strangers ? This shouldn’t be about what’s owed to the birth parents or the adoptive parents but the child’s choice. Being re-abandoned after abandonment doesn’t feel like the healthiest option, once adoption is already done. Maybe it’d be different if I weren’t adopted from birth. I can’t speak for those who were adopted at an older age. I’d say having a truly open adoption would be helpful in this situation and if the child ever decides to go no contact with either party or wants to live with the other, that should be allowed. The ball should be in the adoptee’s court.

Another adoptee admitted – This post rubbed me the wrong way because it centers the desires of the biological family and not the actual child. I would not have wanted to be “given back” and would have been murderously angry at any and all adults in my life, if they tried to facilitate this without my input (and my input would have been: absolutely not) once I was old enough to know what was going on. Adoption itself is trauma but the trauma can never be undone, even with reunification. (Of course if the child is actively asking to go back to their biological family, that’s a different story.)

One shares a personal story – My eldest sister escaped the system because her dad took her. Myself and our two other youngest sisters were adopted with me from foster care. I was 12 at that time. My sister got her eldest two half siblings back post adoption after their adopted mom passed away. Her husband was not able to parent alone. Two of the teens had trauma from loss already, then added loss. It was not something anyone prepared him for. My oldest niece suffers from borderline personality disorder (imo from the broken attachments and abandonment issues). No legal ties were changed. They are adults now, but the third who actually went to their school has no contact because her adopters won’t allow it. Unbelievable, the kids got in trouble at school for conversing ! That is Insane !

Being Pushed

In today’s story – I just found out I’m expecting and everyone is pushing for adoption. I’m not mentally, emotionally or financially prepared for another baby. I don’t want to adopt my baby out. I’m trying to reply as much as I can. I picked up a third job to keep me distracted. I don’t know what I need. I just know I don’t want to give up my baby.

However, looking for an image to illustrate this, I came across this story in The Cut I could not stop reading. The title is LINK>The Mom Who Told Her Cousin She Could Adopt Her Next Baby under the How I Got This Baby subtitle. about a woman who was carrying a baby to give to a cousin who was infertile after trying for 14 years. She ended up changing her mind and the cousin has treated her despicably afterwards.

She notes – “The experience made me stop wanting to help people. It made me feel like many people are in the situations they’re in for a reason, and I no longer step in to help. I don’t trust people anymore, because you could literally give someone the world and it still won’t be enough at the end of the day. They’ll always want more.”

So back to my first story, someone wrote – “I met a gal in this same situation. I shared that both adoption and abortion are permanent decisions to often temporary problems. I offered for her to place her child with me for a time to see if she really desires not to parent her baby. If she decides she can, we’ll assist her and support her and if it’s too much for her, we are able to assist her as needed with that too. There’s no need to rush to make a decision. You have time. I bet if you reached out to people in your circle explaining the situation, they could offer you the same type of support.” She noted – “Decisions made in haste are often regretful.” She suggested LINK>Embrace Grace for unplanned pregnancy support.

Another person shared – I also only knew I didn’t want to give up my baby 17 years ago. I didn’t give him up. I have a lot of regrets in my life, but that is definitely not one of them. I stood my ground and refused to give him up or ever give up on him, and I will NEVER regret those choices. You are stronger than you know, and I can already say that with absolute certainty, because when I was at that stage of pregnancy, all I knew was that I didn’t want to give up my baby. Truly, if you need to talk, I’ve been there, and I’m here for you.

A comment was made – Then make a plan on what you need to do to keep this baby. To which someone else added – or end the pregnancy. That can be intense but many adoptees agree with such logic – there is no child when a pregnancy is ended, for me I would rather have been aborted than be forced to stay with the abusive adoptive parents. Another adoptee agreed – It’s a much better fate. Another noted – there is no child yet. She is pregnant but there is no guarantee that the embryo or fetus will turn into a child. Also, yes it’s better to get a medical procedure (abort), than to be stolen from their actual parents after birth.

This discussion did lead to some “preaching”. It was called out which I will leave you with today -from a retired ob/gyn nurse – please save the preaching for your church of choice… The many varied options/ opinions come from the privileged voices -those who are Adoptee’s and Mother’s of loss…. The pregnant woman was wise to post anonymously…as potential hopeful adoptive parents prey on those in crisis pregnancies (in spite of it being against our group rules)…Expectant mom’s….Report anyone contacting you about adoption! Those ‘promising you unlimited yet not enforceable post adoption… “contact”. Knowing the area where you live helps in recommending resources.

Adoption is NOT a quick fix. It is a multigenerational and life-long family trauma….as a ‘fix’ for short term financial and economic difficulties of support, housing, transportation, childcare… Babies don’t need a multi-thousand dollar designer nursery and a closet full of clothing they will outgrow in a blink of an eye! A pack-n-play, car seat and frame….diapers & clothing. Much of that can be found in ‘buy nothing groups’ or passed down, like several here have offered. Community diaper banks, WIC/Medicaid/Tanf (Temporary Assistance for Needy Families), daycare assistance, housing assistance etc….

Ending an early pregnancy is still an option…. you owe NO ONE YOUR BABY! Sign nothing! Do not agree to being ‘temporarily housed’ by adoption agencies! There IS helpful help vs self serving help available. Report to an admin anyone, ANYONE, contacting you about adoption! Our group has helped many to parent!

This woman was also a former Baby Scoop Era pregnant teen who was pushed to place by parents/priests…..BUT SHE PARENTED… she says, “my adult son is an electrical engineer and Navy Vet (in spite of early years of HUD Housing/Food Stamps/WIC/Medicaid…)”

What Would Help ?

A question was asked – what would have helped you to parent? I’ve seen statistics that a very small financial amount was the barrier that kept most women who chose adoption from parenting. As I look around my community at single mothers, though, it seems that their struggle is more a concern of being able to coordinate a combination of a job, a budget and childcare.

Some responses –

Money. Assuming the same lack of family support that caused the coerced adoption, having my own financial security would have meant them never even having a chance to suggest. much less force it. Asked to elaborate, she added – they could have been financially supportive or even emotionally supportive but both families (the father’s and mine) chose not to; my parents basically abdicated. That had always been the case. His family, though well off enough to help a young family get established, instead chose to coerce me into adoption to protect their precious baby boy’s future.

blogger’s note – it is true that it is often the parents, even adoptee parents like my own who coerced my sister into giving up her baby. Truly, in their heart of hearts, they believe this is best – not for the baby – but for their own children. They don’t know that baby yet.

Another one shared – For me, it was lack of “support system” and with that, childcare. 1) I can’t afford childcare since I only work part time and 2) my hours are “outside” the “daycare hours”, so finding daycare, even if I was given the “financial stability” (aka, “paid”) to do so, I still would have the barrier to actually find a daycare that would offer services after 3/4/5 pm when I could drop them off until 8/9/10 pm when I could come pick them up. I live in a fairly small town (pop. 10,000 ish). Everything is limited here. Most of the stores/shops even close around 5/6 pm, but I’m one of many that work at one of 2 places that either close at 12 am (major chain grocery store) or never close (tribal casino).

The one who first asked the question wanted to know – so if you had had a “grandparent” that would care for your child just for the sake of spending time with them, or a babysitting co-op where you watch someone’s child 5 days a week, while she works her 7-2 shift, in exchange for her watching your child 5 days a week while you work your 3-10, that would have made an actual difference, in whether or not you felt equipped to parent ? (No response yet, at the time of writing this blog.)

In first researching for this blog at sources not limited to adoption issues, I read two that discuss the challenges or myths about single moms. Without a doubt, an unwed mother considering parenting her unborn child, will have encountered similar arguments about trying to give it a go.

[1] LINK>Your Tango – a single mom shared that she was battling a litany of problems that will likely sound very familiar to most single moms out there, from a punishing schedule to a lack of space for self-care and sleep deprivation. At just 26, she was struggling. “I work full time, clean, cook, grocery shop, take care of the kids, etc. all on my own,” she wrote. “I have no time for myself and what little time I do I have I try to spend it with the kids.”

[2] LINK>Slate – 4 long-standing myths about single mothers. The article elaborates on each but here are the 4 – Myth 1: You can’t generalize about single mothers Myth 2: Single mothers get pregnant by men with whom they have casual sex Myth 3: Single mothers get pregnant because they were ignorant about, couldn’t afford, or didn’t have access to birth control. Myth 4: If unmarried couples would just get married, they would be a lot better off.