Issues related to Mother/Child separations and Adoption
Regardless of the holiday, the adoption industry will try to gain a benefit from connecting it to adoptions.
If you doubt that, here is a blog from Adoptions with Love which makes the case. LINK>Why Adoption is All About Love.
Enough said for today.
I read this today in my all things adoption group –
“I just asked the birth mom of our baby boy if she wanted me in the room with her while she gave birth and she said no. Is that normal? My heart kinda sunk!”
Hopeful adoptive parents or adoptive parents – could you please explain why many of you feel it’s necessary to be present during a woman’s most intimate and traumatic time?
It’s not your pregnancy, labor and at that time it’s not your baby. It may never be your baby.
God forbid a woman considering adoption give birth without hopeful adoptive parents staring between her legs.
Don’t whine and cry because you witnessed a birth, fell instantly in love with “your” child and she chose to parent. It’s your own fault for being present in the first place.
This is standard industry practice and many expectant moms think it’s just “how things are done.”
Don’t use the excuse you’re her “support” person and she has no one else. If you can afford to adopt, you can afford to hire a doula.
By the way, I’m not in the mood to hear #notall and “but.”
It is sad . . . today’s story – an adoptee who became an adoptive parent had only the best intentions. We wanted an open adoption from the beginning. Not just calls and pictures, but truly and fully open. And we did that. But what happens when the first family doesn’t put forth any effort ? They will promise but don’t follow through. My son dreads being around them. They say they will do better but don’t. My son has now said he wants nothing to do with them. That is heartbreaking for me. I’ve told him they love him so much and he said “well, I’ve never seen love shown this way.”
When they showed up, they were completely upset that he wasn’t overly thrilled to see them or he didn’t want to hug. I tried to explain to them, it’s because it’s been months and months with no contact from them, he doesn’t really know them, and so of course, it’s going to take time for him to open up. But because he is reserved they give up and they don’t try. Now there hasn’t been any contact in months. My 11 year old son seems happier and stress free. Even so, I’m sad about it.
Another adoptee who is a former foster care youth shared their experience – My parents also kept me in contact with my birth family members since the beginning. Some good, some bad. My birth mom sounds just like his, and I honestly resented my parents for forcing it. They were just trying to hold up their end of the commitment, but they didn’t hear me when I said I didn’t want to go. Years later we still discuss it in therapy. My grandparents on the other hand are AMAZING and I am so happy that my family encouraged and allowed access. But they are great because they showed up for me. Loved me, took an interest in me, etc. Listen to your son. I’m sure you are doing the same as my parents were, which I thank you for that. Maybe it will be a wake up call to his first family that they need to adjust their behavior… or maybe not. But his voice needs to be heard.
Of course, sometimes it works. From Let It Be Us, an essay titled LINK>Open Adoption – A 30+ Year Perspective From the Rear View Mirror. The woman writing is Susan McConnell, who has 30+ years of experience in open adoption. She notes – “in the world of open adoption, openness is a process.” And from more than one experience that I have read – sometimes a bit messy.
~ from Mind Tools – Improving Solutions by Arguing For and Against Your Options
To be honest, I wasn’t aware that there was a controversy . . .
He writes – as far as I know, adoptees are primarily upset with Nancy Verrier over the fact that she made money by writing LINK>The Primal Wound. (The train of thought being adoptees own their stories and it should be our place to tell them, not the adopters.) I totally understand that train of thought but am somewhat confused why this adversarial relationship between adoptees and Verrier doesn’t extend to her successors like LINK>Lori Holden, who often doesn’t even bother attempting to center adoptees in their work and deliberately try to obfuscate the idea that adoption is traumatic for adoptees.
Blogger’s note – I am aware of and have read content from both. Since I wasn’t aware that there was a controversy, I am intrigued.
He asks – Is there something else I’m missing here, or is Verrier generally enemy no. 1 moreso than others due to the fact that her work is much more often recommended by adoptees? I also know there was some drama that went on surrounding the LINK>Reckoning With The Primal Wound documentary.
One woman writes – I always recommend ‘Journey of the Adopted Self’ (Betty Jean Lifton’s book) FIRST, it then helps validate Verrier’s findings. One adoptee responds – I honestly feel like Journey of the Adopted Self saved my life. It was big in me coming out of the “fog” and helped me to understand so many big emotions I’d had for my entire life. When the first woman was asked – would this be your primary recommendation for the support persons (parents, therapists, teachers, etc) as well as adoptees? She responds – yes, it is the first book, along with ‘The Girls Who Went Away,’ that I always recommend reading first. I have read a ton of adoption related books, some good, some meh, and some bad. Another book that I think EVERYONE should read is ‘The Child Catchers,’ for a bird’s eye view into the criminal trafficking indu$try that “adoption” truly is!
Blogger’s note – but I still don’t understand – is there a controversy or not ?
Finally an explanation from an adoptee’s perspective – IMHO, as an adopted person, the disapproval of Verrier is not so much because she is an adoptive “parent”, but rather because her book has been so highly publicized and recommended, although she has little awareness of the fact that the adopted person is an actual person, whether child or adult. Her views have been slammed, as well, because of the manner in which she has objectified her own purchased child, who quite rightly has taken exception to being used for her “mother’s” own self aggrandizing efforts. When people are advised to perceive this author as some sort of “expert” in the understanding of the complex adoption experience, who has so little awareness of the actual lived reality of the person who has been purchased, this frequently and quite rightly is seen with quite a bit of justified skepticism.
Another adoptee points out – I feel like Verrier speaks a lot of the general theoretical adopted “child” when drawing from the experiences of her adopted child and her therapeutic clients. I don’t see her as an “expert”. Adoptees are the #1 expert of the adoptee experience imo. Verrier’s theory is also often treated as scientific “fact”, but it wasn’t a scientific study at all. That being said, I believe in adoption trauma. I can appreciate that the message Nancy Verrier was putting out there was pretty “radical” to many adoptive parents, although adoptees had already been saying similar things for a long time prior. Parts of The Primal Wound resonated with me, and I know it’s an important text for a lot of adoptees. But I think 30+ years on we can start referring to other texts when recommending adoption related media to people.
Another notes – All I would add is that, in 1993, this is the book that the publishers were willing to print. That’s what it comes down to. We’ll never know how many (if any) adoptee authors pitched books and were turned down. The Primal Wound is the one that made it through, so that’s the one we got.
Perspective from a Kinship Adoptive mother – 12 years after relinquishment, our adoptees are OUR kids, not hers. Even though their biological mom has made a new and better life for herself and the adopted kids know their story and know her. When they reach 18, they can choose, but until then – I am their mom 100%.
An adoptee commented – It is wonderful when family can step up, so it doesn’t become a stranger adoption, but when they cannot also treat the original parents as family (for the child they share, if for no other reason) – it is offensive and a bit horrid.
Another shared a similar story – there’s a woman who has provided kinship adoption for *three* of her niece’s children, and is already planning to take the fourth child this woman is currently pregnant with, who talks sooooo poorly of her niece and has the young children call her “mommy”. I only know this and more I shouldn’t even know because she openly shares it at daycare pick up.
The woman who shared the perspective above notes – it really is so sad. I think I hear some of the most hateful things about biological families from kinship groups. They seem to resent the fact they “have to clean up the mess” and talk so poorly about their family and then at the same time do everything in the book and more to take and keep their children.
One adoptee shares – I was a kinship adoptee at 4, and spent my whole life hearing about how awful my birth mother is & how I’m just like her & how they were such saints for taking me in.
One kinship adoptee who is also a kinship guardian writes – Selfish beyond belief. A lot of adoptive parents act like they “won” and own the kids and get off on keeping them in the dark about their biological family because they’re JEALOUS that the kids want to know them… because they “belong” to them after adoption. I will never understand people not encouraging their kids to know their family, even if it isn’t just the parents. Most kids have siblings, aunts & uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc that they deserve to know about and connect with.
Another who is a potential future kinship guardian notes – This always feels like they see these children as possessions instead of people. “100% MY child.” “Legal stranger.” Not allowing a relationship until the children are 18. Someday, this is an adoptive parent that will be making “woe is me” posts about how these children won’t speak to her anymore, and how she has NO IDEA WHY.
In the initial comment, it was mentioned that when the biological mother relinquished her rights, the judge declared her a “legal stranger”. Someone else noted – the reality is, she was probably told “if you don’t relinquish, we’ll take your rights forcibly and that means we’ll remove every child you have after this one.” She probably only relinquished because she was scared and felt like it was her only choice. One dad who was in foster care as a youth writes – That is a skewed interpretation of a “legal stranger.” The court doesn’t mean someone unacquainted or having no relationship with the party. It means someone not involved in the transaction of the child. ie. The judge did not allow the natural mother to have a say in proceedings because she relinquished her legal “interest” in the child. And did she really stand before the judge and do that? I wasn’t even allowed to know the finalization date. I know my daughter’s mother wasn’t there because she was with me that day. They hadn’t told her either. We found out from Facebook, when the adoption agency posted a picture of my daughter, her adoptive parents, and the judge.
One adoptee noticed that the adoptive mother’s comment screams saviorism and ownership. Then, someone adopted as an infant notes – When will you all realize how narcissistic and selfish adoptive parents who adopt for altruistic reasons are to their core?
One comment noted – The more people a child has that love them the better.
I’m always short on time to get these blogs done on Tuesdays. Yesterday, an essay from a site I’ve appreciated in the past got my attention and so I saved it to comment on it for today. That site Adoption & Birth Mothers feature Musings of the Lame is what I am sharing with you today LINK>Re-Marketing Adoption.
Marketing makes use of “a series of calculated moves, designed to appeal to the targeted end users, and reached a desired outcome that benefits the business. It really helps to understand adoption as an industry when you apply the lenses of a marketer. To begin, let’s just remove the idea that adoption is here for some altruistic reason like “proving homes to children that need them” in some vein of social services or community outreach or as part of the metal health field or anything like that. We need to look at adoption like it is; a business that has supply and demand and profits and losses.
An adoption agency pays it bills through the acquisition of “fees“. These adoption fees are paid for by the perspective adoptive couple for the services rendered by the adoption agency. These are various application fees, home study, counseling, court and legal fees, attorneys, paper filings, plus the hospital and doctors fees, travel costs, and various other “birthmother expenses”.
We know that the US average “cost” for a voluntary domestic infant adoption runs anywhere from 10 to 60K. At the end of the day, a “successful” adoption results in a baby being relinquished by one family and handed over to another family who pays the “fees” for this service to be rendered.
In business terms, that makes the adoptive parent the customers or end consumer who pay for the service of transferring over the parental rights of a baby. The now up-for-grabs parental rights, are, in turn, the product. The writer note’s yes, we can also say very easily that the adoptee is the final product, but I know they don’t like to be treated like that, so I am not going to call them that for this purpose.
Bottom line, without the adoptive parents being willing to pay this money for these services to buy the product, the agencies would not have a business, so they MUST make adoption appealing to the final consumer, the adoptive parents.
You can read more at the link above.
An adoptee writes – My adoption went through when I was almost 6 years old in 1969. I was born in 1964 (Just hit 60.). Has anyone else had multiple names?? I was born “Jacqueline Karen”. When I was relinquished at 2 days old, the social worker changed my name to “Lucy Allen”. She said that was common practice in those days to “Hide” the baby from the birth mother in case she came looking! At 5 months, I was placed with a potentially adoptive family who named me “Linda Jeanette”. They returned me to foster care just before I turned 4 and the foster family started calling me “Lindy”. This is the name I remember the most. About 6 months later I was as placed with the family that did adopt me and they changed my name to “Elizabeth Dianna”. For years, my adoptive mom told me my middle name was “Dianna” until one day, I was looking at my birth certificate and saw that she had actually named me “Elizabeth Dianne”! Clearly, it wasn’t about what I needed!! It was about what my foster parents and adoptive parents wanted! Who changes a child’s name this many times and why did the state allow it?? Ridiculous!! And then my adoptive mom couldn’t even remember my middle name! It definitely gave me some identity issues! I’m married to a Veterinarian (who is a great man-nothing against him), but I get introduced as “The Vet’s wife” all the time!! It gets under my skin!! Anyone else have their name changed this often??
Blogger’s note – Surnames in the story above removed to protect the poster’s identity. I read recently in LINK>The Guardian that “A new documentary aims to add depth to the story of the singer-songwriter (June Carter Cash) who was often just referred to as the wife of Johnny Cash.”
I (the blogger) replied to the woman above with my own family history – My adoptee dad had his name changed when he was 8 years old. His adoptive mother had divorced the man she was married to, when she adopted my dad at 8 months old from the Salvation Army. He was named Thomas (after the adoptive father) Patrick Swearingen, when they first altered his original birth certificate and a new one was issued. She re-married and changed my dad’s name to Gale Patrick Hart (each time after his adoption, his first name was also the adoptive “father’s” name). When that second “father” died (the adoptive mother died first), my dad found his adoption papers. His original name was Arthur Martin Hempstead – after his birth father, Rasmus Martin Hansen (an immigrant not yet a citizen, who was a married man who never knew his affair resulted in the conception of my dad). Hempstead was his unwed mother’s surname.
As an aside, because my mom was also an adoptee, when my dad wanted to tease her, he would call her by her birth name – Frances Irene.
Since I only became aware of this book today, I thought I’d share a bit about it. Below is an excerpt from the author’s website LINK>The Adoption Mystique.
I do not accept the notion that being adopted, like being Jewish or being female should restrict my rights as a citizen. I believe that adopted persons are entitled to full restoration of the rights that were abrogated. To me it is a matter of equality and social justice.
I am grateful to my parents for their patience, courage, openness, honesty, and empathy. Our family had no adoption secrets. A record of the date and story of my homecoming and the significant events of the first four years of my life were available to me at anytime. I was a curious kid. I asked many questions. They told me my birthmother was young. She ran off with someone. Her family annulled the marriage. “What was my name”? “Rebecca, maybe Roberta.” “How do you know”? They said they had papers for me in a strong box. I could have them when I was twenty-one.
The birth of my fourth child put me in touch with my heritage in a way not previously realized. This daughter had blue eyes. That meant I had to carry a blue-eyed gene. It was time to explore more fully my family of origin. It took seven months to find my birthmother.
It took ten years, however, “divine intervention,” and many false starts to complete a search for my birthfather’s side of the family.
Along the way, I found a review by Heidi Hess Saxton on WordPress – LINK>Anti-Adoption? Review of “The Adoption Mystique” by Joanne Wolf Small, MSW. She admits that “The complexity of the issues surrounding adoption, and that to seek reform in one area is not the same as wanting to eliminate the practice altogether.
She also quotes Joanne Wolf Small from a presentation titled “The Dark Side of Adoption”- “My personal experience as an adoptee was a positive one. In the social setting in which I grew up, I thought it was OK to be adopted. In later life I became involved in trying to establish my own identity, and subsequently worked with many others toward that end. We got, and still get the message, loud and clear. It is not OK to be adopted!”
One commenter on her blog wrote – Making a life-long commitment to an adoptive child is a complex endeavor. Part of it is honoring that child’s heritage. That child does in fact have another set of parents who made life possible. From a parental view it is much like a child of divorce, a step child. It does not serve the child to deny it’s other parents. In making a life-long commitment I would hope that adoptive parents would put the child’s reality and needs foremost. If the commitment is “truly forever” it must honor the origins as well.
Blogger’s note – Because there was so much adoption in my family (both parents were adoptees and both of my sisters gave up babies for adoption), I too thought it was OK to be adopted though I yearned to know about our cultural ethnicity. My mom yearned to locate her birth mother but was denied access to her adoption file, which I now possess. I also know now who all 4 of my original genetic grandparents were. I have steeped myself deeply into facing ALL of the realities around the adoptive experience since 2017 now. There seems to be no end of perspectives to learn and so I find topics for my blog here every day.
Today in my all things adoption group, a moderator notes – It pains (and confuses) me every time I see an adoptee in this group who is (currently) happy with their adoption state that they do not want to see adoption changed so that those who are *not* happy with their adoptions can have access to their records. Why should your contentment with not knowing mean that others shouldn’t have access ? Shouldn’t all adoptees have agency as adults to choose whether they want to find their biological families and get to know them ?
When she was asked, why do they say people shouldn’t have access? She replied – Because they never wanted to meet their birth families and therefore there should be no adoption reform. She added – Let me clarify. They do not think ADULT ADOPTEES should have access to their birth records because they don’t want it.
Blogger’s Note – I saw this in my own family. Both of my parents were adoptees. My mother searched, she wanted contact with her original mother because she said, “As a mother, I would want to know what became of my child”. My dad didn’t want her to search and had no interest in doing so himself, he cautioned her that she would open up a can of worms. She quit talking to him about her needs and desires and instead talked to me – thankfully. I know that learning who all 4 of my original grandparents were and something of their stories has meant so much to me and had more impact on me than I ever imagined.
One person put it clearly – My right to have my family does not interfere with your desire not to have a family in any way. Or the way another person put it – Having access doesn’t force one to use it. I don’t get the opposition. And of course, this is the contrast – members of certain groups nowadays think they should be able to impose their thinking/will upon everyone else.
Someone else noted – We need to understand that there are issues that affect others in this community which require a show of solidarity as a social justice movement. The first step is seeing the community more as a minority group, that we are members of a marginalized social class. For me, as an Asian American, I stand with the Stop Asian Hate movement, even if I haven’t experienced a hate crime. Hate crimes are as wrong as human rights violations, human trafficking, and other acts of commodification and dehumanization that happens to adopted people. It’s not about me, it’s whether I agree these crimes and wrongdoings should be stopped and am willing to stand by my people.
Another one noted – It reminds me of the women’s rights movement where some women were opposed to equality because they wanted to remain housewives. I don’t get why people struggle to understand that giving rights to others doesn’t mean rights will be taken away from you. If you’re content with your situation, nothing in your situation has to change by granting equality to another.
Source link> Lavender Luz
Today’s story from an adoptive mother – she asks, are there any adoptees out there who grew up with a lot of openness with birth parents ? She gives her background – My daughter came to me at 2 through public adoption, now 7.5. I thought I was well-informed. We have established a relatively high degree of “openness” – spend time with mom approx every two weeks… but especially whenever she’s having a hard time, I wonder if this is “enough”. Sometimes I hear the horror stories about adoptive parents who are abusive or even just unaware of adoption trauma, and it’s easy to heave a sigh of relief, that I’m not that bad, but really am I offering my (our shared) daughter enough of what she needs? I’d really love to hear from adoptees who grew up with openness about the benefits and any challenges that came with that.
One slew of suggestions came – it is good that they see one another as often as you describe. I think one thing that can get closer to what the child deserves to get from their parent is productive contact instead of visitation. Can she check her homework or help her study for a test for a half hour one night a week? Even via zoom? Can you ask her to make a list of things she’d like to teach her daughter over the course of a year like – how to braid hair, ride a bike, memorize her multiplication tables, cook a chicken dinner, bake a cake, sew a button, hem a dress, make mini furniture for a doll, build a model airplane, make a volcano that blows smoke, run a 10 min mile, do a cartwheel, do the splits, play an instrument – you know things she already knows how to do and wants to teach, or stuff they could read instructions for and learn how to do together during short scheduled visits on line or in person. You could offer to get the supplies they need to facilitate Mom’s lesson plan. It is kind of unnatural for children to visit with their parents and awkward for parents to observe their child and not be contributing to their growth. Ask mom to make a list of things she’d be teaching her at 7.5 years old; and then, help make it happen. The child deserves at least that from her mom. You’ll feel good for facilitating that too.
When she was commended for her suggestions, her reply was – I just pour the love of my heart out, praying that maybe one adopted kid will get a chance to interact with their mother or father in a way that kids should interact with their parents, not like visiting strangers but like as parents who are teachers, who are deeply concerned with growing their potential, rather than ‘catching up’ like strangers, outsiders with nothing to offer. If I lost my kid to adoption, I’d be dying every day and of course, I’d probably spiral into some drug induced pain numbing self destructive cycle. Who wouldn’t ? I just to like engage with these parents as parents, help them to know their role is growing their child’s world and maybe, the parent will grow some self worth too. Maybe the kid will have some really positive memories. Maybe the adoptive parent will be less resentful but shit, people get so jealous, like oh they lost their right to parent – they lost their right to custody and nobody but God can take away their parenthood, so why not help the kid have some good memories but people are such assholes usually, they won’t allow for anything but ‘visitation’. WTF is that to a kid ? uh oh, I ranted. Thanks for listening.
This woman is the child of an orphan (blogger’s note – not an adoptee herself, so not who the original poster was hoping to hear from but I feel this woman’s perspectives are helpful, so I decided to run with them), who having found her biological genetic family, started helping others. She admits – after finding that family almost 30 years ago, she got really mad when she read the laws. That caused her to become a loudmouthed activist after having reunited a few hundred families. She had found that they all have that same violation of the person’s kinship rights and identity. It made her cranky and want to stop the separation of families.
After being called out for not being an adoptee, she had more to say – I don’t believe in the concept of a triad, it’s a false construct by the adoption industry seeking to pretend that there is some kind equal stakeholders in a bid for the property rights to a human being. I provide information from a neutral position, given my 30 years of exposure to parents who lost their kids to adoption, who want to be doing lots more and contributing lots more than they are allowed to – it’s just bullshit. So, I took the opportunity to say what I thought. I had something to say. It is a topic I care a lot about – I spend most of my free time either helping people search or in advocacy efforts to educate people out of adoption. If an adopted person had posted and dictated parameters of who should and should not answer, I would NEVER have answered – this post was by an adoptive mother, they have a preference for who they want to respond, but I have been a listener and recorder of good information, given to me by families who have struggled to find each other.
One day I’m gonna die and I’m hoping to get that message to people who adopted or who are hoping to adopt. I’m not gonna write a book, create a youtube channel or a tic tock or an instagram page and I’m not gonna blog about it. Commenting in a few Facebook forums is as far as I take it because I’m not trying to draw attention to myself, only be helpful.
One adoptive mother shares – my son’s Dad takes him to boxing every week and then, out for afternoon tea before dropping him off at home. Works really well for us. I think it works for Dad because there is something pre-arranged to do, plus also more free time with the afternoon tea to talk or whatever. It’s also something my son wouldn’t be able to do if Dad couldn’t take him because I’m at work at that time. I am hoping to set up something similar with his Mum in future but it’s not the right time at the moment (she has regular contact, just in a different way).
To which the woman above responds – Productive contact ! Brilliant, frequent contact doing something, one small thing a father would normally do for his kid. It’s a tiny fraction of all the things parents are supposed to do but it is really healthy for a child to interact with their parent that way I think, instead of just visiting for an hour and what did you do this week ? I like that you set it up so it is productive for your household too. Very smart. Other things parents can do for productive visits are like have a kid pick a newspaper article to read and discuss – teach a kid how to read a map – start studying the drivers training manual early, describe a scene and each draw it in 5 minutes then swap pictures. Tell the kid a story from their childhood or culture, make a family tree, create emergency plans for different situations, safety topics like “what would you do if someone came to the door and wanted to use your phone saying they had a car accident?” What to do if the person taking care of you hits their head and gets knocked unconscious? Don’t throw water on a grease fire. Don’t try to give a cat a bath. Don’t use dish soap in a dishwasher.
Back to the original poster, she acknowledges the adoptive mother who appreciates her son’s dad taking him to boxing. This is a great idea ! They do spend alone time together for the past year. We are very different and it is often not things I’m super keen on (lots of tv time, phone time, and processed foods) but I have been working on letting go of trying to have control over what happens in their time together because it hasn’t always been well-received and I can understand that especially, in this situation, people don’t want to be micromanaged. She also acknowledges the one with lots of suggestions – her message about having meaningful parenting tasks to do is appreciated. Maybe finding ways to incorporate more of these would be helpful…. There is a possible opportunity for mom to take her to skating lesson this Saturday.
Missing Mom 