Doing A Good Work

A woman writes – I wanted to thank the adoptees in this group for what you have done. (Blogger’s note – I usually do not post a link to that group but if you are wanting to know about it, ask and I will point you in that direction.)

A little about me – I joined the group early this year as a hopeful adoptive parent because I was curious about your perspectives having never really heard them in the mainstream. My personal philosophy is that the internet’s best use is to help platform voices of marginalized people. This group continues to impress me with the rules and moderators who protect adoptees’ voices – in all my perspective-hunting, I have not seen an equal to this group and recommend it to everyone at any mention of adoption. You all taught me SO much.

Earlier this year (about 2 months after joining the group) I learned of a young mother in my area with a 2-year-old and 6-week-old who was homeless. Her parents attempted to weaponize the state against her to take her children. With all your voices in my head, another woman with a heart for our community and I started a group to support our homeless population, with my own focus being the many young mothers with no safety net (we have shelters for single men in my area but nothing for women or children).

Our young mother is now flourishing; she has a home, a job, and a support system. She has a PFA (Protection from Abuse) order against her parents and is legally protected. She wanted to pay it forward, and helped us support another young pregnant woman who was prepared to give up her child – instead, Mom #1 threw her a baby shower and held her hand through every step of the process. Now that baby is thriving happily with his momma, and she wants to help pay it forward to the next mother.

Because of your emotional labor, there are 3 children still with their mothers and a support system in my community to protect future mothers and help struggling ones. There are at least 4 more mothers who thought they couldn’t do it but are now off the streets and have their kids at home with them. Christmas with all these families was an absolute blessing; we were able to get all the kids gifts without their mothers having to dip into their funds. Someone dressed up as Santa to deliver them. A lot of the moms cried because they never expected to see the holidays with their kids.

You made that possible. (Blogger’s note – and any person who has the desire could do as much.)

2024 – May It Be A Good One

I will still be here throughout the coming year. I hope that reforms to how adoption is practiced and foster care is administered continue to progress and make lives better for biological, genetic parents and the children they conceive and birth.

So for 2024, I wish – May all beings be free from suffering and the causes of suffering. May all beings rejoice in the well-being of others. May all beings live in peace, free from greed and hatred. In this way, the four immeasurables are a path for reforms.

If you don’t want your happiness to impede that of someone else, practice the four immeasurables – loving kindness, compassion, sympathetic joy, and equanimity.

Why Does It Surprise You ?

From a Transracial Infant Adoptee – When you adopt, you are not disillusioned to the reality of privilege. In a lot of cases, you know the situation surrounding the reason adoption is being chosen, and the circumstances. So when your adult adoptees eventually come back and question everything, why does it surprise you ? Why is there such a need to gaslight them about the truth behind their origins ? Or determine the narrative for them ? You knew coming into all of this where they came from and you should have known the trauma you would be placing on them, if you participated. So why is it such a shock when they decide to see the child trafficking for what it is ? Or the fact that you gained from the tearing apart of a family ? As an adult adoptee, all of the above truly does baffle me. If anything, I would expect adoptive parents to be the most sympathetic, empathetic and empowering individuals that they could be. Rather than shocked, butt hurt & defensive about a situation they themselves created. Especially in regards to the child fully recognizing what the industry is and the trauma it intentionally inflicts.

One adoptee responded – I think they forget that we grow up ! Oh, and of course, they believe they are different.

The original poster wanted responses from adoptive parents and one answered – In all 3 of my cases, I knew the circumstances as they were told to me. 2 cases ended up being much worse and one was slightly different. My adult adoptees have not come back to question because they were told their story from birth, and retold as often as they wanted to hear it. As adults, the two older ones have been in contact with birth family. They were given all the truths I knew. Yes, we knew that raising adopted children would cause them different emotions, thought, feelings than raising biological children. Not one of my 3 have compared their adoption to child trafficking, so I have not had that shock to deal with. I have admitted since the first day I held my first child all that I have gained. The biological moms were not teenagers and were not without resources. All of the adoptive parents I personally know are sympathetic, empathetic and empowering individuals. I know that is not true in all cases. I’m so very sorry that so many adoptees have had such traumatic experiences. And I’m thankful that there are groups where adoptees can share what they experienced with others to lean on. There are times when adoption is the best solution for a child to have a stable home. If anyone comments, I will gladly respond.

Another adoptee suspects – Some adoptive parents are so blinded by their “need” for a child that they become deluded and believe that the adoptee is truly “as if born to” and should gratefully play along with their own delusion. They don’t want to discuss the adoptee’s start in life and family because it threatens their delusion.

And one who was in foster care from birth and then put into a forced adoption at age 10 during the LINK>Baby Scoop Era in a closed adoption writes – I also think that too many adoptive parents (and hopeful adoptive parents) really do not recognize the crucial part that they play in an adoption – the rewards are theirs – the power dynamics are theirs too (once the adoption is finalized and they get what they wanted, including name changes, erasure of first family and a new birth certificate that proclaims them as the owners). They keep telling themselves that they are doing it all in the ‘best interests of the child’ (or baby). But is it really ? Could they have imagined a different way to help ? To care for and love ? Could they have fought harder for Legal Guardianship instead ? Can they make the promise that they will do everything possible (and really mean that) ASAP to discover the child’s natural family, heritage, family medical information and to keep the child’s own culture and needs truly front and center as a focus, while that is child is being raised outside of their own genetic, biological family ? Unless an adoptive parent is willing to go all in and do that – they will be shocked when the youth (or adult adoptee) scorns or derides their actual intent notes that they are an integral part of the broken system that helps to keep it chugging along.

Infants In Need Of Homes ?

That there are infants in need of homes is just one of the lies the adoption industry perpetuates to keep the money flowing in their direction. If what you really want to do is help marginalized or at risk mothers and children, find out how you can offer support within your local community.

One example from a quick google search yielded The Conrad N Hilton Foundation’s efforts (with the help of other local funders) through an initiative – LINK>Strengthening At Risk and Homeless Young Mothers and Children – that ran from 2007-2011. That initiative sought to improve the housing, health, and development of homeless and at-risk mothers and children by supporting locally-based partnerships that included housing/homelessness and child development agencies, as well as those that address family preservation, domestic violence, mental health, substance use and other support services for the target population. The Initiative’s desired impacts were not limited to clients alone; it also aimed to integrate systems and disseminate knowledge in order to improve services for families not directly enrolled in its programs.

If you google – “Helping At Risk Mothers and Children” – you will come up with many many organizations and state level efforts seeking to make a difference.

This all started because a woman wants to make the choice to adopt, not out of lack but as a personal choice, because infertility is not an issue for her. The perspective is – keep a child whose parents gave up or died or something else in order for that child not to be jumping from one foster to another until they age out but actually have a place to call home. One commenter noted – sounds like you have a savior complex. Very often such a desire does drive adoption choices.

Someone else tried to insert some reality – What you’ve heard and read about there being so many children in need of homes is a lie made up by the adoption industry. Really. It’s a MULTI BILLION dollar industry per year. The fact that you said that you didn’t want to go through an agency because of corruption – I think that’s what you said? tells me that you need to do more research. What little oversight there is happens with agencies that are required to be accountable (such as it is) to the government, state, etc. There are SOME rules. Without that, it’s a complete free for all. The women are lied to, you’re lied to and the child is the one that pays the price with trauma over a lifetime.

When you push back by saying that anyone who has something to say that you don’t like as being just negative – well, that’s really unkind of you and just not fair. Adoptees are the victims of adults who make choices about them without their control. With adoption, there will ALWAYS be attachment from the child to their biological families. These children have mannerisms, looks, hobbies, etc will be inherited from the biological family. Experts now know that children are not blank slates from birth.

As an example, the child I surrendered was during the closed era. Contact was impossible during her childhood but when we did reunite ? She has my mannerisms, she sounds exactly like me on the telephone and more. She even flips her hair out of her eyes, just like I do. Her passions in life are those of my family and her biological father, do not come from her adoptive parents. This is just a fraction of things to consider.

If you want to help others, you can donate to families that are in need, rather than just the babies or children. It would be terrific if you do that. It would not require you to separate a family and deal with all the things that you don’t want or need to deal with. Donate money or volunteer your time. There’s so many ways to help others that don’t make things worse, where you can really be of service.

Fulfilling My Purpose

I shared a different graphic with this same quote from Mark Twain on my Facebook page today. I noted that I’m glad to feel like I fulfilled my purpose in life (reconnecting the broken threads to my genetic biological grandparents). And I added that I had no idea if there really is much left for me to do with my remaining years but as I yet breathe, I’m certain to continue speaking out.

Even though I absolutely would not exist – if it were not for adoption (both of my parents were adoptees), I use this space to share the uncomfortable realities about the impact of adoption on adoptees and offer suggestions that I hope may help some woman in a challenging pregnancy to reconsider her decision to give her baby up for adoption and perhaps help some adoptive or foster parents do a better job with a situation that already exists. My daughter says if seems as if I am on a mission with this blog and I will readily admit it is true. Having not been given up for adoption myself when I could have easily been (my mom was unwed and still in high school when I was conceived) and knowing what I now know about the for profit adoption industry, I do feel that as long as I can think of anything to say about the practice as it exists today, I will continue to post blogs here as often as each day.

Times Laws Change, Loop Holes

A woman shared this morning – “Adult American Indian Adoptee: The judge unsealed my records this morning. Thank you for your prayers and support.”

The granddaughter of an Orphan Train Adoptee (LINK>The Orphan Train Movement was a supervised welfare program that transported children from crowded Eastern cities of the United States to foster homes located largely in rural areas of the Midwest. The orphan trains operated between 1854 and 1929, relocating from about 200,000 children.) She commented – As someone who lives in Dallas/Fort Worth, I’m super happy for you and impressed. Tarrant County’s courts are not friendly places for anyone who doesn’t work for the government.

To which the happy woman replied – The district clerk made the process quite easy to understand. Bailiff and Judge were pretty friendly as well. And the granddaughter replied – That’s so good to hear! I hope this helps pave the way for other adoptees. Your information should never have been kept from you.

The happy woman noted – I thought it was impossible 10 years ago and gave up. Times change, laws change, loop holes. Don’t give up. Keep trying.

Blogger’s note – This is great advice. My mom was refused her adoption file when she asked for it. She even fought back saying that her adoption was “inappropriate” but then gave up. She tried in the early 1990s. Unfortunately, she was just a little “early” because later in the 1990s, the law was changed for victims of Georgia Tann’s scandalous placement of children. Not only for the adoptees but by the time I found out (after my mom had already died in 2015) descendants were also allowed to request and receive the file. Go here for the Tennessee Dept of Children’s Services – LINK>Adoption Records.

Some Thoughts On Better Options

An adoptee in my all things adoption group asks – I am always seeing posts on how adoption is wrong, or it should not happen. But what is the better option ? I definitely think with biological parents it is best, but that is not always the option. So what would be the solution to that ? Family ? But what if that is not a good option ? No kid should be in an orphanage or a state group home. I don’t think foster care homes are good either. I had 7 aunts/uncles all put in homes (I was able to find them all and put them back together, connecting wise) but in the homes, not one had a good story. Knowing what we have all been through, what would be the best situation for kids that don’t have any biological family/parents ? As adults that have been through this, how do we try to change this or make it better for the younger ones who are going to be born into this ?

Some responses –

One adoptee answers – by creating a society where adoption is not necessary. By having access to healthcare, education and supporting families by having paid family leave, child care, affordable housing & medical. When these things are met – then let’s see how many children need to be adopted.

I will leave the accusations in the comment below, which turned out to be unfair, yet the points made were valid (the woman who asked was a adoptee and did not adopt her child, though she adds, “I have been a guardian to kids that have needed it, some through the courts, some just stayed with us when their situation needed a place.”) – Clearly YOUR kid has a natural mom, so they HAD birth parents and family. Why aren’t they with you ? Was it financial ? Then, the answer would be more financial support, perhaps even a Universal Basic Income (blogger’s note – I am in favor of that one), free daycare, etc. If the parents were killed or in jail or otherwise … there are (*)usually – Do not “not all” me – (*) extended family, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins … they can be a guardian for the child.

From a kinship placement/guardian – If adopted, no changing the birth certificates. Instead of changing birth certificates issue a document of adoption to show who can make legal decisions for the child. Change names only when absolutely necessary (I can’t think of an instance where it would be necessary, but there may be some reasonable situation). That’s a start.

From another adoptee – If you are ever going to adopt (I don’t see why adoption is so necessary when we can do guardianship and it’s perfectly normal) YOU don’t get the luxury of saying that baby is part of your family, period. He or she HAS A WHOLE OTHER family and they can’t be erased and never will. The child can still be in your family and you can love them and treat them like your own! but they HAVE a family and always will. I feel like anybody who is even considering adoption should have their doors open for that baby’s family and/or culture. That’s just how it is. That’s how it’s supposed to be. They need to know where they come from.

She goes on to add – After having my son, I realized there are way more mothers than I had thought who all miss their babies. I realized that adoption was not for the natural mother’s benefit. Look at it like this, people say the baby won’t remember but when you think about it – actually think about it – of course they do, on some level. For example, blind people rely completely on their smell, scents, textures and noises. All people actually do. People with seeing eyes rely heavily on sight. When a baby is inside their mother, they recognize everything ! Her voice. The way her voice vibrates, her sound, her touch, her smell, all of that. And when you take a newborn baby who was just born away from all of that, it causes a trauma that can never be fixed. They may not remember the pictures in their head but their muscle memory will always have that piece that is missing. People try to glorify adoption because they haven’t been taught what it actually is or what it does to people. Also nobody wants to accept this hard truth.

The adoptee who started this said – I completely agree. My mom died when I was 3 days old. My dad died when I was 9 months old. My dad used to wear Old Spice. Well, my first and second adoptive fathers wore it when I meet them. Smell cannot be erased. (blogger’s note – that aftershave must have been very common, my dad used it too – very distinctive smell).

Is It An Amazing Act of Love ?

This is such a standard adoption narrative that there is even an adoption agency with the name A Act of Love Adoptions. It is used mostly to convince a woman to surrender her baby to adoption when it is born. That she would be selfish to keep her own baby.

So, a woman was trying to encourage people to put some thought into it, before choosing to adopt. She talked about the trauma – It’s important to remember that adoption causes a lot of trauma. Most of all to the baby who is taken away from its mother. The baby grows for nine months and knows their mother means safety, warmth and love. The baby will know it’s mother’s heartbeat and can recognize it from other heartbeats. When the baby is born, they look for all of that instinctively. When their mom is no longer there, the baby will be traumatized in a way that can never ever be repaired. She added – adoption should be avoided if possible but it’s not always possible to avoid.

Blogger’s note – that is also my perspective – being a realist and yet still wanting to see fewer adoptions whenever it is possible to avoid them.

The response to this woman was – There are so many situations where adoption is the kind and right thing to do. The reply was, Still is the fact is – trauma happens whenever any baby is separated from its mother. Undaunted, the hopeful adoptive parent says – adoption has worked out for so many parents and for so many kids. It is an amazing act of love.

Still, the woman continued to try and get through – But the trauma is still there. The trauma can’t be avoided and it has been scientifically studied. It is better that the world knows the truth about adoption. (Blogger’s note – that is the mission of writing a daily blog here.) All parties involved should be fully informed. Even if the adoption goes forward, the best interests of the adopted child must always guide whatever comes next in that child’s life. In fact, adoption informed therapy may be needed by the adoptee well into adult life.

And this person that wants to adopt is like so many – she is an adoptee, adopted at birth. She denies there was ever any trauma associated with that for her or her other 4 adoptive siblings. All 5 were adopted at birth. (Blogger’s note – I have been told repeatedly in recent months that I have more adoption in my family than anyone else they have ever encountered. And until I started waking up from that fog – I did think that adoption was the most normal thing in the world. I know differently now.)

We try our best to speak truth to the powerful pro-adoption narratives. It’s so frustrating to invest all that emotional labor, only to have one fogged adoptee swoop in and negate that effort. Those interested in adoption reform have a long effort to change hearts and minds and there is a whole industry promoting the adoption is beautiful narratives.

One adoptive mother asked her adoptee daughter about this – she said that although she was adopted at an older age and knows her biological mom and doesn’t have the same trauma from her adoption (compared to a baby separated at birth) there’s still trauma from the separation that exists no matter the reason for her separation. She said that there’s always trauma. By the way, this adoptee is only 13 but still knows this is the truth.

To which another adoptee notes – we know when we can safely express ourselves and not worry about someone silencing us, or getting angry because of our (perfectly reasonable) emotions. If someone believes in the rainbows & unicorn bliss version that adoption is always a gentle and loving way to develop their family, they will not be able to hear outside their “Lalalalala” song with hands on their ears. If they cannot see their own trauma reactions (as an adopted person) or the lifelong “I don’t know” that the adopted person experiences — even though that is the thing that overwhelms — still we cannot even express or know why — anyway, then they are not willing to really dig deep or look carefully.

Get Any 5 In A Row

How about the far right vertical column ? Love is not enough. Some adoptees would have preferred to have been aborted. Many are accused of being bitter if they speak out about adoption according to their own lived reality. My genetic biological grandmothers were not really all that young but were probably considered by some to be too young (or is it only that they lacked adequate support and financial means ?). Most adoptive parents including my own adoptive grandmothers would probably have agreed with the last one.

Maybe the far left vertical column suits your perspectives. Certainly many babies do start life in an orphanage (in fact, leaving my mom for temporary care at Porter Leath in Memphis was my grandmother’s well intentioned but tragic choice). Babies also turn up in dumpsters – sadly. The all things adoption group that I am part of is often accused of being “mean and negative”. When an adoptee wants to know more about their origins they are often accused of not being grateful or not loving their adoptive parents enough to just accept their lot in life. Some who have experienced the pain of infertility look at those who conceive easily and think it is unfair. And of course, the perennial question about the lack of alternatives to adoption.

In fact many of these bingo “scores” I’ve encountered many times as I have sought to educate my own self about the realities of the commercial adoption industry that makes LOTS of money for those promoting the taking of children from one family and depositing them with another.

Advocating

What I try to do with this blog is advocate for a change in the perception of people who are involved in adopting children or providing foster care for them. It is a small effort on my part to write something, anything, each day to keep the conversation going. Sometimes it gets noticed by someone and validates the effort.

One adoptee voice that I appreciate is Tony Corsentino who writes on Substack. His most recent post is LINK>Political Orphans and he makes a strong case for his perspective.

I saved some of his paragraphs for my own self –

“Many of us advocate on behalf of the adopted children of today: to change the legal and social landscape for them, to open the opportunity for a future that is better.” I thought, YES, this is what I am trying to do with the blog I write.

I found this fact sad – “Not even the country’s foremost civil liberties organization, the ACLU, recognizes adoptees’ rights to their original identities and genealogical histories.”

Being a Tolkien fan, this touched my heart – In politics, to paraphrase a wise old Ent, “I am not altogether on anybody’s side, because nobody is altogether on my side.” Many adoptees understandably feel this way.

Tony says, “Political change in the direction of justice for adoptees is maddeningly slow. . . . Powerful interests, mainly religious groups and the adoption industry, are opposed to justice for adoptees, because justice for adoptees is perceived to clash with their goals of providing clean-slate babies with minimal baggage from as large an infant supply pool as possible.”

It caused quite a stir when Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito added a footnote, to his draft opinion overturning Roe v Wade, from a government report on the demand for adoption in the U.S., which used the phrase, “domestic supply of infants.” Though it’s inclusion is often misunderstood and misattributed in social media, it originated as a footnote to the Supreme Court draft opinion and was a direct quote from a 2008 report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. In the decades preceding the report, societal changes led to a decrease in the number of children available for adoption. This is a fact. There is more detail at FactCheck.org – LINK>Posts Misattribute Phrase ‘Domestic Supply of Infants’ in Draft Opinion on Abortion.

One commenter, Jamie Scott, on his blog writes, “. . . real objection is that the adopted person is daring to challenge the myth that society adores, ie, that adoption is a wonderful thing. To suggest that adoption is less than wonderful is like suggesting Jesus was just a nice Jewish boy.” She also goes on to note – that whole “birth mothers were promised secrecy” thing is BS. I feel sad for her when I read, “Despite hearing me talk for years about the anguish of losing my child, . . . numerous friends and strangers tell me what a WONDERFUL thing I did in relinquishing my only child.”

I also write for the mothers who lost a child to adoption – both of my sisters are one of those – and both of my parents were adoptees. I have plenty of reason to participate in the effort to make things better for both adoptees and the mothers who gave birth to them.