Adoption Is Not God’s Plan

Personally, I do believe in accepting “what is” in life. In my all things adoption group today I read –

I see this frequently on adoptive parent’s Facebook pages – Adoption was God’s plan for them. It is what He wanted and placed on their hearts. Their “baby” was meant just for them despite growing in another’s womb. So IF God gets all this credit, if a major loss for baby and family was your answered prayer, blah, blah, blah. Their loss was your blessing, etc.

So you know, God caused all this pain and destruction because it was “meant to be.” Then wtf is infertility? How can your “blessing” and another’s loss both be “meant to be?” Your adopted baby was meant for you. Created in the womb for you by God, and all that baloney. Does this mindset only not apply to infertility because it doesn’t benefit you. Could it not be said that maybe, just maybe it wasn’t “meant to be” for you to be a parent at all?

Thank goodness we have a billion dollar a year industry that preys on poor families. Thank goodness we have a government with ridiculous income limits for financial resources. Too bad God can’t get the ratio right – to benefit all the infertile people who want to be parents. There are at least 50 hopeful adoptive parents to every newborn given up for adoption.

One admittedly non religious person commented – I often wonder about our modern day problems (society within the last 200 years of western civilization), and how many of them would be solved by living in close knit communities with strong values in collectivism, as our ancestors did. If infertile women had strong, daily roles as alloparents to children in their community, sometimes providing more individual care than a natural parent. Would they feel so inclined to adopt? I feel like the need and desire for adoption would be drastically diminished, if people lived that way…

blogger’s note – I do believe in an over-arching, life force Presence – some call that God, others Spirit. There are many names for what people sense spiritually. I simply would NOT exist, if my parents (both of them) had not been adopted. It is “what is”. I believe I did not end up adopted myself (my mom was a high school junior and my dad a first year university student), so that I could reconnect the threads of my family’s genetic identity that had been broken by adoption (my destiny or purpose here). Something my parents were not able (my mom) or did not want (my dad) to do. While I believe there is something that responds to me, I also believe we are not controlled by God. We are left alone to discover what this thing called Life is all about, while we are yet here physically.

Grooming the Next Generation

Adora Adoption Babies

As if the rainbows and unicorns adoption narrative is not enough to push back against, the LINK>Adora toy company is grooming the next generation of adoptive parents with its baby dolls. With girl doll names like Hope, Cherish and Precious, a dark skin baby Joy – plus the boy dolls Beloved and Handsome – the company plays on adult adoption feelings with their baby’s names.

Adora baby Joy

These dolls come as 9 piece sets that include a Certificate of Adoption, a pacifier, a hospital bracelet, a disposable diaper, a pink or blue blanket, a crib, and a removable onesie with a matching cap.

The company writes – Nurturing empathy starts at an early age for children, and the companionship of a favorite Adora Adoption doll has been shown to enhance this emotional development. An Adora 16-inch Adoption baby doll can help your child develop their social and emotional skills and is a perfect partner for sibling training. Every detail has been thought out to create a special bond between baby and your little one.

Pictures of girls dressed up in hospital clothing at the company’s website.

One adoptee wrote – “Nothing like feeling even more like a product” – at stumbling upon these dolls. Another notes – “Why would they wanna do this and try and normalize selling babies to kids?” A transracial adoptee pinpointed the issue – “Training young girls to grow up and save a needy baby by adopting them.”

Wanting To Say The Right Thing

A question about being a considerate friend –

I’m not in the adoptive triad (natural mother, adoptee and adoptive parent) but two of my close friends are adoptees. I live in the USA in a part of the country known as the “Bible Belt”, a place that is saturated with Evangelical Christianity and rose colored glassed about adoption. Out of my two friends that are adoptees, one has been reunited with her first mom for over a decade and they have a friendly and somewhat close relationship. The other knows of her first mom but I don’t know if they have met in person. There are other details about their stories I know about but don’t want to get too personal.

The stories I heard have confirmed some of the icky feelings and questions I’ve had about adoption but didn’t understand and couldn’t voice. Because outside of the triad, everyone knows how adoption is painted and its very pervasive, at least here in the US. To be critical of adoption is to have an outlier opinion.

I haven’t said anything negative about adoption to either of my friends. But, I want them to know that I don’t judge them for having negative feelings about being adopted and that I am becoming aware of some things. For anyone in the triad, if one of your friends said those things to you, would you feel weirded out? I don’t know if my friends have negative feelings about being adopted but I’m sure they do somewhat.

An adoptee responds – I personally live in the Bible Belt myself. I get what your saying and it wouldn’t weird me out of someone asked me about my feelings on adoption as long as they weren’t being weird about it. It would make me feel heard by someone for a change.

And another adoptee – I also live in the bible belt. I’ve talked with people about my adoption and the things I’ve been upset about. I didn’t feel it was weird or rude if questions were asked to get more perspective or if other people voiced what they felt was negative.

An adoptee notes – Adopted people appreciate our allies, people who have made the effort to better understand our plights. That said, the majority of adopted people that I personally communicate with usually recognize that we are more comfortable talking about these sorts of issues with other adoptees (not all adoptees will feel like that and in fact some adoptees will talk to anyone about their adoption, others won’t talk to anyone at all). We aren’t a monolith, one size fits all. But, adoptees who realize the harmful aspects of their childhood are very specific about who they share their innermost feelings with. We know who is a safe person to talk to. I guess for me why someone wants to discuss these sorts of deep, dark issues would be important. Are you just wanting to let them know what you have learned or are you wanting to be a ‘caring ear’ willing to listen more than talk?

The “friend’s” response was – I mainly just want them to know that if they ever need to talk, I’m here for them and they can express criticism about adoption. I won’t judge or criticize them.

Another adoptee agrees with the one above – with friends of mine who aren’t adoptees, I might talk about these issues superficially but only as things come up – regarding parenting adoptees (many of my friends are adoptive parents) and I try to help them “get it” and I talk to their kids and try to help their adoptive parents get it.

This one goes on to say – I would not like my non-adopted friends to make assumptions that they know I have negative feelings on adoption. I do but it’s easier for me to have those negative feelings about other people’s situations. Naming that about my own situation to a non-adoptee would not be likely to happen. Exposing myself that much wouldn’t happen. It’s like that feeling, when you can be mad at your brother but if someone else is, you tend to stick up for them… that’s the kind of feeling it would create for me. You don’t get the right.

I know your trying to be supportive but to me you need to let them lead, don’t become a part of the show. I’m suggesting you consider staying out of it. If they talk, then listen, and even validate their feelings. Give them permission to have the negative feelings but not unless they express them. To me that would feel like you think I should have some negative feelings or would want share them, if I do.

A transracial adoptee also admits – I’m in the Bible Belt. Have they ever confided in you specifically about adoption? Are you in any way associated with Evangelical Christianity, or are they or their families? I ask because Evangelical Christians are pro-life and typically hold more of the positive rainbow pro-adoption propaganda views.

I think it would really depend on the conversation and how you brought it up. I think using certain vocabulary like “adoption trauma”, “the FOG,” “centering adoptees,” “adoption industry”, “family preservation,” etc. could help signify that you’re a safe person. Personally, I’d recommend following their lead, not to purposefully bring it up, but not ignore/deflect any conversations.

As I came “out of the fog,” I’ve found it harder to speak to non-adoptees, simply because they more often than not (and because being in the Bible Belt) didn’t have the same views as me. I think as an adoptee, I’d find it reassuring to know that a close friend was an ally.

The “friend’s” response was – I used to be a Christian but I’m not any more. I met friend #1 at church over a decade ago and we reconnected a couple years ago and became close friends. Her adoptive parents were very conservative Christians. She identifies as kind of a liberal Christian but more witchy than Christian and doesn’t go to church. I’m kind of agnostic. Friend #2 is a young lady I know from my city Choir. She is a mainline Protestant Christian and active in her church but she is liberal. Her parents, I think, are more conservative but I don’t know to what degree. Both friends know I’m not pro life at all, that I’m LGBT and child free. I have some negative views toward having children but I’m working on it in counseling.

To this, the transracial adoptee wrote – I wouldn’t bring it up, especially since they haven’t really confided in you. Bringing it up only centers yourself, rereading your last paragraph really just points out the reasons for approaching this subject are your reasons, for you. I think, if you truly are a safe person to vent to, then they’ll come to you. I reiterate – just follow their lead, don’t put them in an uncomfortable spot, so that you can feel like a good ally.

The child of an adoptee (blogger’s note – I am the child of two adoptees) and a first mom (another blogger’s note – this is a mother who gave a child up for adoption – which both of my own sisters did) writes: obviously *I* am not personally an adoptee but I do live in the Bible Belt. I am just curious, why on earth would you bring up someone else’s private business to tell them you’re “a safe space” and they can “express criticism without judgement”? If they’re **actively discussing their trauma** with you, that’s the time for you to reassure them that you’re “on their side.” Purposely bringing it up, may make you appear to someone like you’re just being a trauma tourist.

The “friend’s” response was – Its not something I would ever bring up out of the blue. If someone you love or are friends with has something really awful happen and they share it with you, you know it’s awful for them and you express that you know it’s awful and show you are there for them. However, the overarching opinion of adoption is that its positive and negative opinions are met with hostility. So, it’s a little different. Most people that have bad things happen are allowed to feel bad about something and say it sucks. But I don’t know if the average adoptee feels like they are allowed to feel that way about adoption, let alone express such opinions. They’ve shared about being adopted. But, if they share again, I want to say the right thing.

To which the previous commenter responded – if they bring it up, I think it’s fine to say you’ve done some reading and you want to be supportive and non judgmental, or even briefly share your opinions on the practice and systems. I don’t think it’s something that should be brought up independently but you said you’re not gonna do that, so you should be good to go.

Another who was placed with her kin remembers – Before I came to accept the reality of my own disappointment, I would have been insulted if someone tried to tell me they were a safe space for me to vent. I didn’t realize I needed to vent. I was in complete denial. In high school, I had a few people respond to some grisly parts of my story with astonishment and anger on my behalf. I was confused, miffed, and maybe a tiny bit amused that they were angry about something that “didn’t bother me.” Why don’t you ASK how they feel instead? Perhaps let them know that you’re aware that some people feel extremely grateful for having been adopted, but that you’ve been made aware of a different perspective of anger and loss… and that you’re curious to know their thoughts, IF they’re open to share them.

Another adoptee suggested – if a friend said something like “Hey for some reason adoption has been on my mind and I was reading a lot of adoptee experiences and researching how it affects a high percentage. I’d love to hear your thoughts.“ I wouldn’t be weirded out.

One adoptee had a cheeky response – Tell all those church attendees that Jesus’ mother was unwed and 14, so Jesus born in manager. Being young, unwed or poor is no reason to give your child away to strangers.

One woman who’s ex-husband is an adoptee and who also lost her daughter shares – I’m still close to my ex-husband because of his messed up family ties both biological and adoptive. I sometimes have to watch what I say, when he vents to me but he knows I’m a safe space for his negative feelings. Most people tell him to basically suck it up. I have a few more adopted friends but my ex husband is the closest story I know, besides my own daughter. My cousin, who was my daughter’s foster parent, didn’t think an autistic 17-year-old could be a parent, so she worked against me. She became a pastor in the Baptist community and was working at a homeless shelter for families. My daughter is in a closed adoption “for safety reasons”. I am not even allowed to know who the adoptive parents are. This is kind ridiculous because now I have a 2 month old and had to deal with Child Protective Services again. Thankfully, my case was eventually closed. Now I realize even more than before how much my family didn’t help. All I needed were a few resources, when I was 17, and I would have been fine, just like I am now at 26. I do have “issues”, my cousin knew my daughter’s adoptive parents before the adoption through her church and that they’re infertile. I don’t know if my first kid is ever going to know about my second kid. To me that’s not very Christian – to keep siblings separated – when there’s obviously no concern for safety. I have also had to take what my ex-husband told me into consideration – that when my child is older, she maybe not want to contact me and I will have to process that better, because I’m the adult. That is hard to think about even with years to prepare, if she does contact me.

So Perfectly Expressed

Podcast by Ande Scott, a late discovery adoptee

This was NOT in her podcast but was posted by my friend on Facebook. It was so good (and I am short on time today) that I wanted to share it here.

When people tell me Adoption isn’t like it was when you were a baby – in many ways the adoption industry is worse. On the one hand, they will acknowledge that adoption is trauma, but continue to do “outreach” to coerce pregnant people in crisis to give up their children. They will acknowledge that our families are traumatized by our loss, but throw platitudes and promises at them, in order to convince them to relinquish. They acknowledge the pain, but pursue policies that deny reproductive rights, prevent sex education and access to contraceptives , and promote a false narrative that children will be better off with strangers. They acknowledge that people who lose their families should know they are being raised by others, and say they promote openness. Without advising our families that this is usually not enforceable, and still advocating for falsified birth certificates. They promote foster to adopt as the solution, but do not disclose the way this has been turned into a racket; one that involves increased policing of families, especially families of color.

They’ve gotten better at the con, out of long years of practice and access to billions of dollars. They use their lobbying and political and religious and social power to disempower others and perpetuate marginalization, when they could put the weight of their influence behind family preservation and the programs that would make our society healthier. But that would mean a loss of money and power.

Every day another child is robbed of their identity and family and culture and history via the practices of the dual birth certificate system, closed adoption (knowing you are adopted does not equate to open adoption ), private adoption, transracial adoption, transnational adoption.

None of these practices are necessary to help a child in crisis.

How Do You Respond ?

One said – “It’s rough out there.” And shared a quote from Marian Keyes – who is an Irish novelist and non-fiction writer, best known for her work in women’s literature – “I think there is pressure on people to turn every negative into a positive, but we should be allowed to say, ‘I went through something really strange and awful and it has altered me forever’.”

One adoptee wrote – My friends don’t post things like this. I don’t feel safe with people who promote adoption, so we aren’t friends.

One person noted the heart/word image above is “the Narcissistic view of adoption.”

Another person notes – I typically say something like: This is one viewpoint, which can look really beautiful, but we can’t forget how it looks for others on the opposite side of the adoption triad – which is loss, separation trauma, and a lifetime of questions and possible deep hurting. Then she says, it typically gets me blocked or unfriended, but I don’t care. I’m tired of the fairytale narrative.

Triggering and Not Funny

blogger’s note -I am NOT on Instagram. I learned about this from a Transracial Infant Adoptee who shared – in an all things adoption group that I am part of – that she found this in her Instagram feed.

She writes – It may have been intended as funny in regards to animals. However, the truth hits hard. No matter what age kids come to the realization that they were adopted and what their truth of being adoption is, the shock (hidden or shown) is absolutely terrifying.

This isn’t the person(s) I’m suppose to be with. These aren’t the people I come from and why on earth did it have to be me?

Adoptee Remembrance Day

Seven Core Issues

I’ve not actually read this book but learned about it today. It comes highly recommended by many and who have actually read it and is rated right up there with The Primal Wound and Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew. Also Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self. So, I thought I should share it. I was happy to see that the book also covers Third Party Reproduction (in fact the book includes donor insemination and surrogacy).

Originally published in the 1980s, it was ahead of it’s time. One adoptee says, it is something that I wish my adoptive parents had read. The new edition has been updated and was released in 2019. The seven core issues are loss, rejection, guilt and shame, grief, identity, intimacy, and mastery/control.

One person familiar with this book said it was “A classic and foundational to the way I think about these issues and the importance of reform in adoption practices.”

At Amazon it is said – “the first conceptual framework of its kind to offer a unifying lens that was inclusive of all individuals touched by the adoption experience.” It is further noted that – “Attachment and trauma are integrated with the Seven Core Issues model to address and normalize the additional tasks individuals and families will encounter.” The book also claims to access “a range of perspectives including: multi-racial, LGBTQ, Hispanic, Asian, Native American, African-American, International,” as well as those that cover openness, search and reunion.

Penny Callan Partridge, Co-founder in 1973 of the Adoption Forum of Philadelphia, wrote – “For decades, I have been responding to these ‘seven core issues’ as an adopted person, as a parent by adoption, as a poet. Now I imagine myself as a therapist trying to help someone in the adoption constellation. I would definitely want this book close at hand.”

Another, Keith Silverstein, a voice actor and adoption advocate, noted – “As an adopted person, I’m very familiar with the seven core issues, both comprehensively and experientially. Yet even with my prior knowledge, there was a deeper understanding to be attained through the pages of this book. Having had the pleasure to work with and consider both Sharon and Allison my friends, I’ve seen first hand the passion they have for adoption and helping children find permanence. Their collective expertise, contained here, is, in my opinion, the gold standard for understanding and working towards permanence in adoption.”

Policing Unethical Agencies

I read about this effort today, LINK>New Bill Introduces Federal Oversight Over Private Adoption Agencies, which seems like a step in the right direction (if the House can get it’s act together, which is a big IF at the moment) –

Congressmembers Doug Lamborn (R CO-05) and Annie Kuster (D NH-02) introduced the In Good Standing Adoption Agencies Act of 2023 (LINK>HR 5540) in the House of Representatives last week, a bill that would require the federal government to publish a list of licensed, private, 501(c)(3) adoption agencies in each state.

While private adoption agencies can provide wonderful services for families frustrated by overwhelmed, slow-moving or unresponsive public systems, unethical agencies can manipulate birth parents, adoptees and adoptive parents for personal gain. Private businesses — both for- and non-profit — need money to stay afloat. When successful adoptions are a company’s primary source of income, workers can become incentivized to force adoptions through. These bad actors can sometimes call themselves contractors or consultants to get around state laws, or they might meet licensing requirements in only one or two states.

HR 5540 would require states to tell the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) which private, non-profit adoption agencies are licensed in their jurisdiction, and which have been disciplined or sanctioned for not following the laws.

In looking for an image to illustrate today’s blog, I stumbled on this woman – LINK>Kirsta Bowman.

Kirsta is an activist for adoptees, foster children and reproductive rights. An adoptee herself, Bowman has been using her social media platforms to educate folks about the right-wing influence that runs rampant in the adoption industry as well as how said influence uses adoptees and foster children as pawns for their pro-life, for-profit agenda.

She writes – “When you grow up with pieces of paper showing how much your parents paid for you, it does make you feel like they should have a return on your investment,” Bowman said. “I grew up feeling like I had to prove my parents’ money’s worth.”

Four years ago, Bowman found her birth parents through Facebook, and that moment became the catalyst for her activism. “I started reaching out to other adoptees and realized that I’m not the only one who’s had issues with it,” she explains. “I learned that my birth mom actually did really want to keep me but was heavily pressured by my adoptive parents, and you learn how baby-hungry some of these people are who cannot physically have one.”

blogger’s note – maybe the only point I am trying to make today (I already write a lot about all that is wrong with adoption as it is practiced today and yesterday) is that there are GOOD people out there trying to make it all “better.”

Ethics of Destroying Families

All You Have Is Love documentary

Infant adoption has long been big business in the U.S. A typical domestic infant adoption runs between $40,000 and $70,000. Adoption entities – crisis pregnancy centers, agencies, lawyers, social workers and independent facilitators – may all profit from a finalized adoption. And the demand is huge! Each year, close to two million hopeful adoptive parents throw their well-crafted picture-perfect profiles into the adoption arena, hoping to be the chosen ones.

The documentary intends to explore, through interviews with birth family members, industry professionals and reform advocates, how the adoption process exploits expectant mothers. while providing infants to those hoping to adopt.

LINK>All You Have Is Love (hopefully coming in the Spring of 2024) is a project by Lisa Elaine Scott at Seed & Spark. She is a writer, video journalist and life-long human rights activist. The documentary will explore the challenges of an unplanned pregnancy and expose the tactics used to convince resource-less women to relinquish their babies. Most people assume that adoption is about finding parents for children when, in fact, the industry’s focus is on finding children for parents.

Is it ethical to build one family by destroying another ?

However, fewer than 1% of all pregnancies result in adoption. This means that most hoping to adopt will not. This also means that a lot of money is left on the table. So how does an industry survive with an inadequate supply? The answer: Rebrand with the promise of a “modern adoption.” Then find resource-less women and convince them that their babies are better off being raised by someone with more to give.

The documentary intends to identify the various entities in the pipeline, expose the myth of “open” adoption, and present community-based solutions and evaluate proposed regulations and reforms that will place the focus on family preservation.

Do watch the YouTube for an eye-opening view of what is really going on in adoptionland.