Not An Economic Product

After seeing this graphic, I went looking and found the opinion piece and found it in the LINK>Philadelphia Inquirer. Wow, the author was adopted by people in Las Cruces New Mexico (the place where I was born). She writes of seeing “a delivery slip my adoptive mom signed upon picking me up from the airport intact, not unlike an Amazon package delivered on someone’s front stoop.”

I understand completely what her experience growing up there would have been like. She writes – Growing up in Las Cruces, I never learned any Korean history, language, or culture. The racial dissonance of being Korean in a white family in a white community proved immense and unrelenting. I did not meet or see another Asian person until I was in the sixth grade. My personal history is a product of the Korean War.

Due in part to Holt International, an estimated 200,000 Korean children have been adopted overseas. The organized, systematic practice of Korean adoption formed a template that has been used to facilitate adoptions from other countries — including Vietnam, Ethiopia, Guatemala, and Haiti. Rich Westerners rush in to “rescue” children after wars or earthquakes. The pull toward international adoption has also been openly encouraged by evangelical Christian leaders. Parishioners are encouraged that this is one way to live out their faith and purported pro-life principles.

The truth is, without a doubt, that adopting and relocating children from their home countries removes them entirely from their racial, social, and historical context. Children placed for international adoption, often have known family members who visit them frequently, after placing them in orphanages only for temporary care. (blogger’s note – this really tugs at my heart, for that is exactly the kind of thing that happened to my maternal genetic grandmother.)

The author questions what that amount of resources (up to $350,000 for adoption and raising the child to adulthood) could do to support families in other countries suffering from poverty? Could that money be used instead to place children with other families in their home countries, and rebuild local economies and reunify families after disasters — which would all benefit the same children adoption aims to help?

Meredith Seung Mee Buse is a longtime Philadelphia public schoolteacher, writer and Korean American transracial adoptee who lives in South Philadelphia.

Claiming Ignorance

Is your adopted child 20 years old? Because if they are not, then you have no damn excuse for not “knowing”. You screwed up, not anyone else that didn’t “tell you” about adoption trauma.

It’s disheartening and disgraceful to hear that so many adoptive parents still claim ignorance about the potential trauma and negative aspects of adoption for the child when they adopted. We need to acknowledge that this information has been available for well over a decade.

In fact, twenty years ago, the book “The Primal Wound” shed light on the emotional challenges faced by adoptees. It highlighted the deep-rooted impact of separation from birth parents and the lifelong journey of healing and identity formation. Since then, numerous studies, research papers, and personal narratives have further contributed to our understanding.

So what is your excuse?

You didn’t dig deep enough?

No one told you?

You assumed?

None of that matters, because when you are seeking to bring another human into your home and you are strangers and that human is losing their entire family, you should have KNOWN! I don’t care what year it was. It’s logical. That should have been an automatic red flag that “hey, this could be hard for this child, maybe I better research more”.

That’s what a selfish desire does, it suppresses the reality.

The ones that don’t own that need to rethink that stance. You screwed up. Before you take that personally and share how you are the exception, really think about it. Did you do the work before you adopted? Or did you just take the word of others because you wanted what you wanted.

The above are thoughts posted in my all things adoption group. Thinking about ignorance – I went looking and found this – LINK>What It Means to Claim Your Ignorance (there is much more at the link). A couple of excerpts . . .

Ignorance without a desire to do something about it is avoidance. We simply do not know everything, nor can we expect to. Maybe we never learned, or we were exposed to only one part of a larger ecosystem.

I am willing to claim my ignorance because it opens me to learning what I don’t know. I am willing to claim my ignorance because it helps me open my ears and my heart for deeper listening. It opens the door for those (adult adoptees) who have experience and expertise to share what they have to contribute.

Griping About Adoption Failure

This image came from a site FOR adoptions – LINK>Absolute Love Adoptions. I would agree with the author, Kathryn Russell, that is often simply a failure of the expectations around any adoption. I arrived there simply looking through google for an image to illustrate today’s blog.

In my all things adoption group, this story was conveyed from a ‘failed adoption group’ (I suppose intended as a support for such circumstances). The one experiencing this writes – “I just experienced my second failed adoption a week and a half ago. After taking baby home from the hospital and having her for two weeks, her birth mom changed her mind. I’m so incredibly mad. Mad at the system that provides little to no protection for adoptive parents. I’m mad at the people around the birth mom who encouraged her to parent her baby. And I’m mad at her for choosing to be selfish and do what’s best for her and not what’s best for her child. This is all so raw for me. I’m mad and I’m bitter. And to be honest, after this second failed adoption, I will not try again. My heart cannot take it.”

The person who shared this noted – “This person managed to hit almost ALL the Narcissistic Savior hopeful adoptive parent (HAP) statements …. Showing how most HAP’S ‘Really Feel’… as they sweet talk expectant mom’s like they are going to be ‘one big family’…. vs the reality that many closing “open” adoptions before the adoptee reaches the age of 3….”

A heroine in the group, who is the paternal grandmother of a little girl, who is now reunited with her, after an illegal adoption attempt that took place without the father’s consent (who is understandably now a Fathers Rights Advocate) comments – “Good! Don’t try again. You being mad that she wanted to parent HER child! You calling HER selfish! You presuming you know what’s “best” for the child shows you know NOTHING and are completely unqualified to be a parent natural or otherwise… just don’t have a child AT ALL..” She adds – “I think the revocation period should be extended not shortened. And fathers need to be ON BOARD 100%, and the mothers should not be allowed to lie about fathers without consequences.”

In response to her, the original poster commented – another Poster on the failed adoption group thread complained about having to “give her baby back after 6 MONTHS”. Because the father changed HIS mind at the last minute (yet, the agency still placed baby with ‘HAP’s)….and the baby’s DAD had the nerve to “Give Her Baby” to his Sister to raise….once she went back with them. The very Nerve !

Note !! parenting Your Own Baby is Not being selfish ! And support should be available to those wishing to parent ! No one that posted seems to understand that the agencies are the ones ‘keeping their money’. Not the birth parents ! (remember the reimbursement for living expenses is a ‘gift’ with no strings) and is small change compared to the agency fees.

From a domestic infant adoptee who was taken during the LINK>Baby Scoop Era (which started after the end of World War II and ended somewhat around 1972) – “While I can understand her disappointment and grief in not getting what she was expecting, she definitely needs to do a lot of work on herself. She is definitely not anywhere ready to parent anyone. I see this kind of reaction far too often. People need to understand that babies are not property to be bought and sold. I see people commenting that parents should not be able to keep their babies, if they have indicated that they are interested in placing. I worry that adoption laws will be changed making it legal for irrevocable contracts to be made pre-birth.”

To which another adoptee replied – I so wish my teenage mom would have been allowed the opportunity to parent me, her mother wouldn’t “allow it.” In turn, I was a 30 week premie, given to an unstable couple (adoptive dad did sexual abuse – they divorced 2 years after I was born) and a “loving adoptive mother” who told me how much I cost them when I was only 3.5 years old.

A mother who lost her baby to adoption (she was also a baby scoop infant adoptee) notes – I tried to change my mind when he was born. I had both the agency director and the AM on the phone with me (this was 1990) telling me that I just couldn’t do that to them. I had happened to pick their file literally on the day they put it back in active rotation, after the previous “birthmom” changed her mind after birth. I was told I would be destroying them, if I kept my baby.

She follows up with this rest of the story – both my son’s dad and I have been diagnosed with PTSD because of it. It’s been years of healing. My son is married now, with a baby of his own (best grand baby in the world). They chose to put down roots half an hour from me. His adoptive parents moved him 8 hours away, when he was 9. I only got to see him once from ages 9-17. They still live there. Now, I am the one who gets to babysit and dog sit and see them whenever I want. His daughter is growing up with no distinction between who he was raised with or not. My other kids (I had 4 more, years after him) are just aunts and uncles and I’m just grandma. It feels like the universe is righting itself, and I am so, so grateful to him.

An adoptee noted – Interesting how all their coercion tactics revolved around their feelings but not the wellbeing of the child. Which is so grossly typical of HAPs.

Another adoptee said – There should be a MINIMUM of a one year period in which mothers (or fathers) can change their mind. If we did away with adoption completely and required cases in which adoption would normally take place – to be placed as a guardianship or joint custody – this would be a non-issue because the parents could always access visitation rights and an ability to get their child back, when they are ready. Protection should never be for adoptive parents. Ever.

Another added – for that year, financial support should be provided, affordable childcare should be a guarantee, and any other obstacles should be removed – so that parents can make the informed decision regarding whether or not relinquishment is truly the solution.

An adoptee fostered from birth and then into a forced adoption at the age of 10 says – if a carer/HAP ever did less than the agreed-to (contracted in an OPEN adoption), the first parents have the legal right to reunite with their child(ren) and rescind any previous relinquishment. I mean, if we are asking for “pie in the sky” protections, that one has gotta be in there. The amount of times that a previously open adoption slams closed is astounding and calls into question the adoptive parents ability to properly parent, in truth and with the child’s best interests at the forefront.

Response to a FORMER hopeful adoptive parent – You help families avoid being separated. It’s ok to admit we were FHAP. We did the research and learned and grew and changed our minds. We thought it was a good deed, now we know better. We were wrong.

She notes – I’m here exactly for the same reason as you. I don’t even have a husband lol and was nowhere near ready to adopt but thought about it as something maybe in the future, like in 10 years and thought it should be an older child too. I think it’s helpful for HAP to see how many FHAPs are in this space.

Another person says this – isn’t this a really heinous misuse of “failed adoption” ? I thought that failed adoption referred to an adoption that is disrupted/terminated by the adoptive parents, leaving the child without guardians/parents – as in, the adoption itself failed as an outcome. Calling it a “failed adoption” because a family was able to stay intact is just so backwards and wrong, it just didn’t happen because it was no longer necessary. Like having a surgery to save somebody’s leg and calling it a “failed amputation” ?

Another mom who lost her baby to adoption – I have often thought that if only I had had someone, one person, who would have encouraged me to parent my baby, I never would have given him up back in 1973. Months later, my then sis in law said to me, “you had a chance at motherhood which you were ready for and you turned it down”. This wasn’t said in a loving way, she was listing all the things I was doing wrong in my life, and that was one. But at the time, she never said anything about how I was really ready to be a mom.

Another one agreed – same – I wanted to parent so desperately but no one around me encouraged or supported that choice.

The original poster notes that the failed adoption group – is full of Unfulfilled Hap’s showing exactly how they ‘Really’ feel about Expectant Mom’s, Mom’s who change their minds. The Mom’s friends, Families and group such as this who step forward to assist Mom’s ( and Dad’s) to parent. She hit almost all the visceral reactions / opinions of Many HAP’S and AP’s…. who will act like an expectant mom’s BFF until the revoke period ends.. And they believe ‘laws need to be put in place’. To ‘protect HAP’S’ from loosing their money and getting their hearts broken. Keep in mind that many HAP’S have ‘Go Fund Me accounts etc….’ Something the expectant mom’s are not able to do. Also the number of these HAP’S complaining that their beautiful nursery and clothes are ‘going to waste’ and will need to be sold….. (How many expectant mom’s who parented had the HAP’S leave so much as a car seat or filled diaper bag?) How many expectant mom’s who decided to parent have had Child Protective Services called on them by HAP’S and the adoption agency? Sadly – Many ….

New To Me

Several new things today to pass along, thanks to mention of them in my all things adoption group. Not recommending or saying anything more from me than mentioning these and passing along some comments from others. I’ve been having a very odd week and today is so disrupted, I’m at a loss. So forgive me an easy blog (not the first time but I do try to convey the best of whatever information I come across).

LINK>Adopt Us Kids. Read there were profiles of kids like on a dating site. The site says – “A national project working to ensure that children and teens in foster care get safe, loving, permanent families.” Also this – “AdoptUSKids educates families about foster care and adoption and gives child welfare professionals information and support to help them improve their services. We also maintain the nation’s only federally funded photolisting service that connects waiting children with families.” I guess it was their photolisting service that the person commenting referred to.

The other one was LINK>Fight CPS. CPS stands for Child Protective Services and I’ve learned alot about them and how they function over the last 6 or so years, since I learned the actual stories behind my parents adoptions (both of my parents were adoptees). Thankfully, my parents’ adoptions were in the 1930s and there was not such an entrenched organization at that time but there was a scoundrel by the name of Georgia Tann involved in my mom’s.

The person who mentioned these two said this about the second one – CPS terminates the children’s parents’ rights, even though they don’t have a home for these children to go to and so, they end up in foster care. That person goes on to say – I don’t think a lot of people realize how corrupt and twisted the family court system is. How do you take kids, make the parents jump through hoops and then after a year and a half terminate their rights ? The kids then get lost in the child welfare system and sometimes (if adopted) end up forced to have a new mom and dad. She notes – I’ve posted before about how abusive my adoptive home was, and I know my story isn’t unique. This is literally legal human trafficking.

Someone else mentioned – LINK>Adoptly. You can “swipe left or right on potential children.” Bottom line is that there is so much money to be made within the adoption industry that it is crawling with tons of opportunities to get into the game – as either a provider of children or an agency doing that. Sadly. Adoption reform activists are saying the quiet parts out loud these days to better inform the public at large about what is going on.

Someone who adopted from foster care notes – all the photolistings are pretty horrible. Super creepy when they describe the kids as attractive, beautiful, etc. Also teens with unique first names who also use social media… CAN be tracked down by internet weirdos, it’s extremely dangerous.

Sigh . . . the effort can feel overwhelming and discouraging. Maybe it’s just my mood today. For that I apologize and note, things will be different tomorrow (or even later tonight) LOL.

Sadly, Too Common

Today’s story –

In March, my daughter’s adoptive parents messaged me, to let me know that I can no longer have visits with my daughter. It was made pretty clear that she is already being manipulated in some way and she is only four year’s old. They expressed that she did not want to see us and wanted to know why we didn’t want her. We were supposed to see her 6 times a year – at least – but it got cut down to once a year in 2020.

My daughter turns 5 in August and I have been struggling a lot. I really wish I knew then, what I know now, but since it’s impossible to go back, I am looking to find ways that I can support my daughter from afar, so that when she is older I can show her how truly loved she is and how much we wanted to be in her life. I would love input from adoptees on what you would have liked to know from your birth parents and what type of things would have helped in the healing?

(blogger’s note – when my daughter was 3 years old, I became an absentee mom. I never intended to remain out of her life for her entire childhood but that is what came to pass. What I did ? I did try to stay in touch. To avoid conflicts in her home with her dad and step-mother, I gave her a prepaid calling card, so that when it was not disruptive for her to call me, she could. It was very difficult at times, to go for long periods of time, not hearing from her. Even so, today as an adult, she understands better why things turned out the way they did and we do remain close. I feel lucky she did not cancel me out of her life entirely.)

I also tried to ask her adoptive parents if they would meet up with my fiancé (her natural father) and I without her there, just so that we could talk through some of our tension & start to rebuild our very awkward and one-sided relationship. They ignored that message. At this point I am tired of walking on eggshells. They have already cut off visits, so at this point I don’t feel I have much to lose. I would like to share the truth about the trauma adoptees face with them and the importance of keeping the relationship with the birth family accessible. I feel like it’s a disservice to my daughter, if I don’t do everything in my power to try to keep a relationship with her, but I really am at a loss for what to do.

One adoptee responded – so typical. Every adoptive parent is pro “open adoption”, until they’re not. I hope you are able to maintain some semblance of a relationship with your daughter. If you are unable to – please please please – keep a journal with your thoughts and feelings about her, any birthday cards/ gifts/Christmas cards etc. Keep them all – year after year. It’s so important to us that we are not forgotten, erased, and just discarded without a second thought. You can gift it to your daughter later on.

An adoptive parent writes – Proud of you for understanding how your daughter may feel. I find it extremely hard to believe that at the age of 4, she said she doesn’t want visits with you. I applaud you for trying to meet – just the four parents. I would encourage you to continue to request that meeting. Maybe you can word the request that you are wanting to help clarify why you placed your daughter. Again – not sure at 4 that she’s really asking “why ?” yet… Every child is different – and develops/processes adoption at different ages/stages.

My adopted children are from foster care and we are fictive kinship in that we are close friends with some of their extended first family. We truly requested to meet up with their mom, adults only, to get to know her. She never accepted. When my one child asked to see her, she was open and against our wishes of getting to know her first – we met and the visit went well.

I’d guess your daughter had behaviors after past visits and they are reading into the behaviors as her not wanting visits. When instead, she just needs them to just be present and supportive, as she walks through the confusing feelings. And then, they just may not understand that a child can love two sets of parents.

If nothing else – I encourage you to write letters to your daughter – be sure to date them. She will appreciate that when she’s older, to have the whole story.

Another adoptee suggests – I just wanted to say I’m so sorry this is happening! I would start a journal with dates for your daughter – where you write about your life, that you’re thinking about her, that you wish she was there for the holiday you’re celebrating, put photos in there, etc. Document that you tried reaching out to the adoptive parents. Then, when you do hopefully reconnect with her – make sure to focus on her, ask about her life experiences, etc. When I reconnected with my biological family, they weren’t interested at all in what my life had been like and it felt very selfish and one-sided. There were also some discrepancies in their story and I think having a journal to read through, would have put my mind at ease and felt very affirming!

Another adoptee added – Her adoptive parents sound insecure and awful. Stories like this enrage me. Those people did not deserve your child. For me, there’s not much my first parents could’ve said to undo the pain. They could’ve said how much they loved and wanted me…. But walking away spoke louder than any words they could say. All forms of adoption are hard – open, semi open, closed. Like it all sucks. All you can do is stay close, keep communication open and wait until your daughter is older and more independent. I hope her adoptive parents get their heads screwed on right and start putting the child first. Not their insecure wounds. Ugh….

A mother who surrendered her child to adoption but has been in reunion for 20 years writes – I suggest you copy the section in your paperwork that spells out what THEY agreed to at the time of relinquishment. Ask for a meeting to have a dialog about the promises. Ask for what you were promised. It’s clear they are likely getting hard questions from “their” daughter and are scared. That is on them. I’d request that your agreement with them be honored, that you will work with them to find a solution that works for all of you. Be firm. A four year old is no where near mature enough to have to deal with such a complex issue. It is on them to keep the agreement in place for the benefit of your daughter going forward. Keep copies of all correspondence with them, record phone conversations, record meet ups, and reassure them that your intentions are about the truth of the entire adoption experience. Period. Will they balk? Maybe – but you do not. Continue to request what you were promised – and document every exchange.

PS these adoptive parents are full of shit!!!

Another reunited adoptee who was in a closed adoption has good advice – At this point, you need to do everything possible to have whatever contact with your daughter you’re allowed. This is not the time to express anything negative about adoption to the adoptive parents, including adoptee trauma. If your daughter experiences mental health challenges in the future you can reevaluate this. Otherwise, the only adoptee you should be worrying about is your daughter.

Start keeping a journal for your daughter. This should not be confused with a personal journal for yourself. Use it to write letters to your daughter that you can give to her later. Focus on all the things you want to tell her and your love for her. Don’t use it to vent about your frustrations with adoption, her adoptive parents, or to process your grief. Use a personal journal for that. You have no idea where your daughter will be emotionally when she gets a chance to read it. Prepare for the possibility that by that point she may have experienced a lifetime of parental alienation and may be heavily “in the fog”. Consider telling her about events going on with you and your extended family, even if they aren’t solely about her. If next year your uncle Bob dies of cancer at the same age as his father, include things like that. Give her the oral family history most people have but adoptees, even reunited ones, usually don’t.

Another adoptee added – It’s not the job of the adopted child to deal with whatever feelings their natural parents have about the adoption itself. I know for myself personally I couldn’t really care less how sad my natural mother is about a choice she actively made – I am the one who had no choice or say in any of it and have now spent 35 years paying the price of everyone’s choices but my own.

A journal of factual information, especially those family histories, would’ve been welcomed. Especially since my natural father died some years ago and I don’t even know his name. I’ve had to try to piece together some of the family medical history which has been so stressful – especially after finding out I’m a carrier for cystic fibrosis.

We deserve the truth, not just about our parents but as much as we can get about our family.

A birth father who was also a former foster care youth noted – I got a postcard from the adoptive parents telling me they were severing all communication with me, a month after they left the state. I did nothing to warrant it. The adoption agency told me if I wrote her a letter. they would put it in her file. They wouldn’t give me or her mom their address.

One woman added – I would bet that they are also really uncomfortable with the idea that both of your child’s natural parents are still together and are getting married. That you would have a whole family that is biologically related to your daughter one day and the adoptive parents are just trying to cut ties before your child realizes that. There has been movement from some judges on the idea that natural mothers or fathers that were too young to have made the decisions they did and were being coerced can get a judge to step in and demand visitation. It’s worth a shot. I would pretend to play nice to adoptive parents and work behind the scenes, to see if you can’t get the contract honored in a more official way.

Another adoptive parent notes – Of all the truly messed up parts of adoption, this one for me is just the hardest to stomach. It’s what makes adoption feel like trafficking to me. The fact that we don’t have laws that protect these contracts and force adoptive parents to go to court to modify them, like we do in post-divorce parenting agreements, is criminal to me. And it’s a reminder that my own bubble of reality ain’t it – there are so many absolutely ignorant adoptive parents. My only suggestion is to offer group therapy with an adoption competent therapist who can be the educator. I just do not think you’ll ever be heard by them. They need a third party they respect, one who is some sort of authority in their eyes, to explain what is happening, how normal it is, how to navigate this relationship and the damage of severing ties.

An adoptee notes – This is why open adoptions are a coercive practice and the agencies know this and tell this to hopeful adoptive parents. Most open adoptions close within 1 to 3 years and it’s almost always on the end of the adoptive parents. They can’t handle sharing a child they bought and paid for to satisfy their selfish needs

Hard To Process

As much as I share here, the truths can be hard to process. Many will simply go on and have the experience, even if they have been warned in advance about the challenges they will face and more importantly the life they are going to impact with their decision to adopt a child.

Many come into my all things adoption group having already taken that step to adopt a child. So, they are learning in hindsight but at least they are trying to understand what they are involved in at that point. Life is like that. No matter how many people try to tell you something you don’t want to hear, you are going to go your own way regardless, and then you learn in the fire of reality.

One of those hard to process realities is when an adoption begins as what is defined as “open.” It is not uncommon for these to become more “closed” over time, even if that was not the intention going in. Today’s story is a typical experience.

My son’s adoption is open by name only at this point. His genetic, biological mother and I texted for the first 2 years but I have not heard from her for the last 9. I send pictures and updates 3 times a year because that is our agreement. She has not seen him or spoken to him since his placement day and he was placed with an interim care family at birth.

My question is for other first mothers. My son has recently expressed interest in speaking with his original mother. I know that having a relationship with her will make a huge difference in his health and happiness long-term. I want to be respectful of her needs and desires but I would like to see if there is any possibility of facilitating contact. My thinking is that it will be easier to start contact at this age (he is now 11 years old), in case his feelings and questions get more complicated as he gets older, which seems likely. I plan to send her an email suggesting the possibility of speaking or meeting at some point in the near future. Is there anything I could say / should not say to make this easier? I don’t want to push, just to be a catalyst if this is possible.

I am happy to ask him what questions he might have and let her know ahead of time, or structure the meeting/phone call/emails in any way that would make it easier for her. I know it is hard for her and I wonder if contact would make things easier. Of course, there is so much that I don’t understand about her experience. What I do know is that there is a whole world of relationship between them – whether they meet or not. I know I am a bystander to that and I am fine with it. I just want to create an opening for them and see what they will make of it. Do you have any insights or advice for me as I navigate this?

She began her request with – Some of the truths about adoption as shared here have been hard to process but I am happy that I am learning. That is why I have titled this blog as I did. To reach out among adoptees and former foster care youth is to be vulnerable to hearing perspectives that may be uncomfortable.

Some selected responses – sending updates 3 times a year because that is your agreement is a generic way to manage what is a very paramount relationship. Regardless of what you agreed to, you should have done more. Sticking to an “agreement” does not show her how much she matters. Keeping her in his life all the time is what should be done, until she tells you not to. Moms make agreements usually for much less than they actually want because they walk on eggshells around hopeful adoptive parents. She does not have to answer, but you should have been showing her more often, how much she counts.

This woman’s response was – It’s been hard to know how to be in a relationship with completely one-sided communication. In the absence of communication about what her wanted, the agency social worker advised me to stick to the agreement. We discussed text vs email and I was advised that text might be too immediate, if she wanted to withdraw at that time. I would have much preferred being in closer contact and being able to send off a photo or thought whenever it struck me. I see now that the guidance that I got was not great and that I should have explicitly asked her for clarification about what she wanted. I was trying to honor what I thought she wanted, which seemed to be more distance. It’s been so confusing navigating this without any guidance.

One of those first mothers replied – Stay out of their relationship as much as you can. It is not about you at all and he AND his mother need to know that you understand that. To which the woman replied – Do you mean once a contact relationship is established by me? I could facilitate our son sending an email himself but I would be afraid of the disappointment of not getting a response. He is still pretty young, he is not feeling a pressing need to get in touch (consciously at least), just casually said to me that we should call her and say hi on his birthday. This is mostly being led by me seeing that things will get more complicated as he gets older and hoping to create an opening for them now. But once contact is established (if!) this is invaluable for me to know.

Another first mother answered – I think sometimes adoptive parents try to reassure or instill pride in the original mother by showing or telling them how well their child is doing. I would hold off on that. Natural mothering instincts are suppressed, when you place a baby. That mother needs to know her child is hurting. She needs to know there is a hole only she can fill and that it will remain empty without her. I can only imagine how hard that would be to say and hear and feel as an adoptive parent but in my opinion the first mother needs that. They need to hear they are needed as a mom. So much of what happens during and after placement tells the original mother that they are no longer mothers. If she does not feel like a mom, she will not act like it. Which is never best for a child.

An adoptive parent asked – how do you do this without causing shame to the mom? The response from a first mother was – the mother needs to feel shame. It’s part of our journey and a pivotal moment on our way to accepting accountability for our actions. I know it’s tempting to relieve that ,especially if you’re concerned with how that mother will react. But saving someone from their emotions only hinders their progress. And I’m not saying try to force shame on her or say things to purposefully hurt her. I am saying if you tell a first mother her child is hurting and needs her, and if her response to that is feeling ashamed, that’s ok. That’s how a mother should feel, when they learn they’ve hurt or are hurting their child.

An adoptive mother shared – Our kid’s mother and I tackled that conversation in the past year. I opened the conversation with the need of the child – “Child m is struggling with xyz, what do you think about that? You would have the best insight as child m’s mom.” I know about her background from conversations we have had previously, so I was also able to mirror some of what she had shared back. For me, the conversation was focused on what she thought was best or what the child needed. Not on did she do that as a kid or gaining like medical background from her. Because that feels like I’m just gaining information, not asking her to brainstorm or advise me. I also started to ask her permission for other parenting decisions to gain her input. That also helped us build that kind of relationship. And it can be small things too like child c wants to pierce their ears, is that okay with you? Child s has asked to try public school instead of private what are your thoughts? Child e is going out for xyz play, did you ever act or sing? Any advise for child e? For us, this reaffirms her as their mom because she is. It also gives us a way to update her about her kids and their life choices, events etc without it always being the same “so and so is great, here’s some photos of them smiling.”

Another first mother admitted – I know that if my children’s adoptive mother reached out saying my kids wanted contact, I would JUMP on it. Anytime, anywhere, any way I could. But then again, I couldn’t imagine having the option to see my kids and not taking it. I would traverse the depths of Hell to get that opportunity. My advice would be to reach out and just tell her that her child wants to get to know her, and that the door is open for her.

Fourteen Propositions About Adoption

This was written over a year ago but as it comes directly from an adoptee, LINK>Tony Corsentino, and so, I wish to share these seriously considered perspectives with you today. I will only list these – you will need to go to the link to read the details behind each one.

He introduces this topic thus – These propositions are grounded in reflection on my experience as someone who was relinquished in a closed, same-race, same-religion domestic adoption in the United States. These propositions suggest, support, and clarify each other. I note many such connections in parentheses. I offer the propositions as empowerment to adoptees, and as advice, corrections, and warnings to kept people.

1. Adoptive parents raise other people’s children.

2. Adoption presupposes loss.

3. Love is neither necessary nor sufficient to make a family.

4. Loss of mirroring is harmful.

5. Severance carries intergenerational costs.

6. Adoption, as a contract, binds for life people who were never parties to it.

7. Adoption services transfer social wealth from those who lack resources and support to those who have them.

8. Adoption is constructive erasure, designed for adoptive parents’ wishes first, children’s and birth parents’ needs second, and children’s rights scarcely at all.

9. Relinquishment is not a reproductive decision.

10. Privacy entitles you to withhold from me something about you, not something about me.

11. Adoptees’ lived experience is a source of insight.

12. The adoptee has the freedom, and the burden, of deciding whom to call family.

13. Adoptees owe no one gratitude for the lives they were given.

14. Adopted children eventually grow up.

They Just Won’t Stop

Today’s story describes what some expectant mothers go through after they decide to keep and parent their baby –

What can I do to make the guilt of keeping my baby go away? I’m not in a position to keep her really but I am going to anyways. The hopeful adoptive parents have called me selfish, and have made it clear they’ll do whatever they have to do to get my baby away from me.

I’ve already dealt with a wellness check as well as Div of Children and Families/Child Protective Services/Dept of Social Services workers coming to my home after a call to them from the hopeful adoptive parents. In the report, they said they’re worried about my unborn baby’s well being and that they know she isn’t safe with me.

I’ve sent letters formally withdrawing all consent for medical releases and stating I’m choosing to parent.

But they wont stop. They have gotten me so low, I feel like I’m ruining my baby’s life. I’m close to just saying “fine, take her”, only to make them stop. It’s overwhelming. They never stop, it’s emails, calls, voicemails, texts – all stating that I need to rethink what I’m doing.

They said they’re willing to do an open adoption, but I know they’re only saying what I want to hear. blogger’s note – the reality is that most “open adoptions” eventually fail to honor the agreements that adoptive parents will make simply to coerce the mother to let them have her baby.

This is too much.

Why Is It Different Here ?

How come infant adoption doesn’t exist in countries with social safety nets??

Because women don’t willingly give up babies without coercion and desperate circumstances.

The point above is that many countries outside the US have less than 200 adoptions annually…some only a handful. WHY?

Because they don’t allow it to be a multi billion dollar industry
It is NOT privatized
It is illegal to adopt on your own – no internet/friend matches
They have a social support system to help families stay together.

Some additional comments –

The social nets in the US need serious overhaul. I work in a hospital and some of the situations I’ve seen people in are heartbreaking, infuriating, sickening. It makes sense that countries with ACTUAL support see fewer broken families all around.

It was sad to see this one – I wish it was like this everywhere. I’m from Ukraine and it’s a sh*tshow – lots of kids abandoned, horrific dysfunction, zero support. It’s terrible.

Safety nets include but are not limited to: proper science based sex ed, access to birth control of the patients choice, access to medical care, plus abortion accessibility. Access to housing and therapy. I have found a lot of people assume support is $$$ and while that is true to a degree, it is not the whole picture. Building community is the best thing we can do. To which someone else noted – but realistically money solves a ton of issues.

From an adoptee – Safety nets and social resources are so important. It is deeply disturbing that we pay so much lip service to “children are our greatest resource” and pretending that we are all about “family values,” but when push comes to shove, it’s really about greed and selfishness. We need to elect politicians who are more interested in people than money and power.

A transracial adoptee notes – I hate it when they try to make it seem like there are soooo many abandoned babies. Even if there is an expectant mom who wants to give birth (which how many pregnant people are truly willing to give birth, especially in a country with a high mortality rate, to just relinquish the baby) but does not want to parent (as in they have the ability/support/the means to parent but truly do not want to & wouldn’t/couldn’t abort), then what about the father? And if he really absolutely does not want to parent, do they really not have a single family member or honestly even close family friend who would take in the baby? Like the leap to having absolute strangers adopt the baby is just too much for me honestly. I frankly find it a bit hard to believe that there are so many situations where there are 2 capable expectant parents who simply don’t want parent and for not a single family member be capable/willing to take care of the child.

Another explains – it’s the private adoption industry taking the foster care statistic of approximately 100,000 post-Termination of Parental Rights youth in this country, and just conveniently not mentioning that almost none of them are babies or toddlers. And then, if challenged, they will say ‘but this prevents them from ending up in foster care, aging out without a family,’ although I imagine that would not be relevant to the majority of parents who relinquish privately.

Which brought this recognition – I’ve actually found it incredibly bizarre how some very educated and intelligent people in my life, people who understand systems of oppression in regards to other demographics, a) don’t seem to get that no one gets pregnant to happily turn around and relinquish and b) refuse to understand that different age groups in the foster care system likely have different needs and require different approaches.

And this story from an expectant mother – I’m 42, expecting my 4th. My 1st, I was a single mother when her father left when she was 15 months old. I was a single mother for 10 years when I met my husband. But I thrived. I had a career, bought my own house, could afford a comfortable life. When I married, we had 2 boys over 8 years of marriage. My husband comes from a long line of mental illnesses, which he inherited. Both our boys are special needs, ASD among others. I’m in the middle of a long divorce as my husband is dragging it out and controlling it all as long as he can. I’m now a single mother for a second time. Eventually started casually seeing someone and got pregnant the second time we were together. He immediately jumped ship and was adamant he doesn’t want anything to do with it. Doesn’t want to be on the birth certificate. Nothing. This pregnancy will make me a single mother for essentially a 3rd time, at the age of 43. I am over being a single mother. I don’t want to do this for 40 years straight. I am older. I have no family that would take a baby. I had zero interest in abortion, I live in a state where it’s still legal, but that’s not something I agree with and I couldn’t live with myself. So, yes, I’m the mom that would carry to term just so I wasn’t killing the baby. I also couldn’t live with the what if’s with adoption. So I’m simply left with parenting. Do I want to? No. It’s simply the only option that doesn’t leave me with what ifs for the rest of my life. I fit everything you said is a far stretch. Father does not want, I would not abort, I have already been a single mother most of my entire adult life, so I know I CAN do it, but I don’t want to anymore. I’ve lived that phase of my life. I’m currently reliving that phase of my life with 2 challenging kiddos. And now, my awful luck has me starting all over again a 3rd time. And being in this position, I’ve come to realize there are lots of older women in my position for different reasons. Thought they went through menopause, Birth Control failed, whatever. Married, divorced, there are lots of us. So many people think this is a “young mom” issue, but there is an older crowd no one considers because we aren’t the norm.

Another agreed – the majority from the statistics I’ve seen who are getting abortions are married or divorced older women. I don’t see many choosing adoption at that age.

And a perspective from the United Kingdom – The UK has plenty of adoption, largely because our social services and safety net are so full of holes, struggling families don’t get help and their kids get taken away. What we don’t have is abandoned babies or people voluntarily giving up their infants. Because we have free, readily available abortion for people who really don’t want a kid, free healthcare (even if the government is currently running the service into the ground) and enough of a basic safety net (however fraying) that is usually sufficient that people who choose to give birth don’t feel they have to then give away their children due to poverty. I have a mountain of criticism for the ways our society is failing families, and letting them fall apart, but I still look at the United States in horror at how much worse it is.

A Win for the ICWA

It came as a huge surprise yesterday when the Supreme Court ruled in favor of the Indian Child Welfare Act. I was not surprised that Justices Clarence Thomas and Samuel Alito dissented. They have become thorns causing the perception that the Supreme Court has a few problems. I was surprised that Justice Amy Coney Barrett wrote the opinion as she has adopted two children from Haiti. Maybe that was intended to soothe adoptive parents who could be upset at the court’s ruling.

I have written about this case several times since it first appeared on my own radar. Just search on ICWA and you will find blogs posted on November 10, 2019, twice in 2021 on August 24, 2021 and September 24, 2021 as well as twice in November 2022 on the 7th and 15th and again this 2023 year on March 10th.

The leaders of tribes involved in the case issued a joint statement calling the outcome a major victory for tribes and Native children. “We hope this decision will lay to rest the political attacks aimed at diminishing tribal sovereignty and creating instability throughout Indian law that have persisted for too long.”

Congress had passed the law in response to the alarming rate at which Native American and Alaska Native children were taken from their homes by public and private agencies. The law requires states to notify tribes and seek placement with the child’s extended family, members of the child’s tribe or other Native American families.

Three white families, the state of Texas and a small number of other states claimed the law is based on race and is unconstitutional under the equal protection clause. They also contended it puts the interests of tribes ahead of children and improperly allows the federal government too much power over adoptions and foster placements, areas that typically are under state control.

The lead plaintiffs in the Supreme Court case — Chad and Jennifer Brackeen of Fort Worth, Texas — adopted a Native American child after a prolonged legal fight with the Navajo Nation, one of the two largest Native American tribes, based in the Southwest. The Brackeens are trying to adopt the boy’s 5-year-old half-sister, known in court papers as Y.R.J., who has lived with them since infancy. The Navajo Nation has opposed that adoption.

It is important to note that Justice Brett Kavanaugh, who was in the majority on Thursday, wrote – “In my view, the equal protection issue is serious.” Kavanaugh also commented that the race of prospective parents and children could be used to reject a foster placement or adoption, “even if the placement is otherwise determined to be in the child’s best interests.” The Supreme Court dealt with that issue by determining that neither Texas nor the parents had legal standing to make that argument in this case. The Brackeens and others can make those arguments in state court proceedings and so the case is not over.

Matthew McGill, who represented the Brackeens at the Supreme Court, said he would press a racial discrimination claim in state court. “Our main concern is what today’s decision means for the little girl, Y.R.J . — now five years old — who has been a part of the Brackeen family for nearly her whole life. The Court did not address our core claim that ICWA impermissibly discriminates against Native American children and families that wish to adopt them, saying it must be brought in state court.”

All the children who have been involved in the current case at one point are enrolled or could be enrolled as Navajo, Cherokee, White Earth Band of Ojibwe and Ysleta del Sur Pueblo. Some of the adoptions have been finalized while some are still being challenged. More than three-quarters of the 574 federally recognized tribes in the country and nearly two dozen state attorneys general across the political spectrum had called on the high court to uphold the law.

Before the Indian Child Welfare Act was enacted, between 25% and 35% of Native American children were being taken from their homes and placed with adoptive families, in foster care or in institutions. Most were placed with white families or in boarding schools in attempts to assimilate them.

~ most of the details in today’s blog came by way of LINK>The PBS News Hour.