Category: Fathers

Who’s My Daddy ?

I am happy to share yet another book here. This one addresses something I’ve encountered in other memoirs and from even an acquaintance. Finding out late in life, one way or another that the man one grew up believing was their father, actually was not.

Gina Cameron found this out in her mid-sixties. Her own roots journey took her into researching human evolution beginning with a matriarchy trending into a patriarchy. Along the way, she discovered how damaging such family secrets can be.

Who’s My Daddy? is available wherever books are sold. At Thrift Books, Gina says, Why did my mother lie about my paternity? and Why did so many other mothers hide the truth from their children? Her own quest for answers led to her mother’s tumultuous history as a refugee from Latvia in WWII. The overview there notes – The memoir is both an intimate portrayal of the author’s own life and a look at the larger forces at play in all of our histories.

There will be Book Party: April 14th from 2 – 4 pm at Expressive Arts @32nd and Thorn, 3201 Thorn St – if San Diego is convenient for you. You can meet the author there.

It Could Happen To You

When I imagine my dad’s genetic biological mother, I think of her having an actual relationship with the man who, it is certain now, was his father. She did have a head shot photo of him and wrote his name and the word “boyfriend” on the back. She placed the image in her photo album next to a photo of her holding my dad. That actually did eventually reveal for me who my dad’s genetic biological father was. My DNA and his geographical proximity at the time proved it and none of his other genetic biological relatives were in the area. It does not appear that my Danish immigrant grandfather ever knew he was a father. Self-reliant woman that she was, she simply handled it by going to a Salvation Army home for unwed mothers in Ocean Beach California. Some month later, the Salvation Army hired her and transported my grandmother and baby dad to El Paso Texas. I don’t think she really wanted to give him up for adoption but I think she was strongly coerced just to do it. He was already 8 months old when his first adoption was finalized (he actually was adopted a second time and his name changed again, after his adoptive mother divorced the abusive alcoholic husband and remarried, a marriage that lasted until she died).

This morning, I have read two stories about one night stands that actually resulted in pregnancies. That got me to wondering . . . , other than my grandmother’s clear feelings that my dad’s married father was her “boyfriend”, I really can’t know all the details. Be careful out there having casual sex because it could happen to you if you are not careful.

One from LINK>Quora – I had a one night stand and she’s pregnant and wants to keep the baby. I have no desire to be with this woman. Does this mean I’ll have to pay child support?

The answer from a Relationship Counsellor – Yes, you are responsible for that child if it is yours. A paternity test is certainly highly recommended. You are under no obligation at all to enter into a relationship with the mother (actually, that would be a spectacularly bad idea!!) but you do have an obligation towards the human you created, who had no say in the matter.

You can draw the line at providing financial support only, but do think carefully about whether this is the kind of person you want to be. What will future partners think of you if you explain that you have a child that you pay child support for, but that you don’t have anything to do with because you don’t want it? If you have kids later in life what will they think of you when they find out they have a half sibling that their dad just abandoned? More importantly – What will you think of yourself? I understand that it is a horrible situation to find yourself in, but try to accept the reality of it as soon as possible and decide what kind of a man you want to be – then live like that man.

Going for mediation with the mother is a very good way to figure out a way forward, and how to co-parent, in a way that both of you can live with. Becoming a dad may not have been on your to-do list for the immediate future, but it doesn’t have to turn out badly. The one way to ensure you achieve the best outcome from this is to make sure that you have the most amicable relationship possible with the mother – this should actually be easier for you than for most divorced couples who have a lot of hurt and baggage.

If the mother is keeping the baby simply because she is against abortion, and not because she really wants to have a child or is in a position to raise one, try to talk to her about adoption. This would certainly be in the best interests of the child, and could give that child a loving home with parents whose biggest dream would be fulfilled by the child’s existence, instead of their worst nightmare. (blogger’s note – that advice is where I part company with this relationship counselor’s advice but it would be very common to receive that advice.)

If you don’t want to have children, please consider going for a vasectomy. This is the only option men have for taking control of whether they become dads or not, aside from never having vaginal intercourse. If you might want to have kids later, make sure to always use a condom, and talk to your sexual partners about their views on abortion and what they would expect should your liaison result in pregnancy. Too often men just leave it all up to the woman, assume that she is on birth control, assume that she will have an abortion if she falls pregnant, then they are horrified when they realize that they missed their ONE AND ONLY opportunity to influence whether they become parents through simple carelessness.

I do wish you the best of luck going forward. Sometimes a stupid mistake costs far more than it should, but such is life – I hope you can make the best of it.

I read another similar story in LINK>Slate – I Just Told My One-Night Stand I’m Pregnant. Then I Heard From His Wife. Apparently, I’m “baby-trapping.” (blogger’s note – I had never heard this term “baby-trapping” before.) A few months ago, I matched with a man on Tinder, “John,” who was in town on a work trip for a few days. We met for drinks, ended up sleeping together (with protection), and agreed that this wasn’t more than a one-time hookup. However, the condom must have failed because I very unexpectedly discovered I was pregnant.

She had several heartbreaking miscarriages and failed rounds of IVF and those experiences pushed her marriage to the breaking point and divorce. She was already at 14 weeks, twice as far as I had gotten when I’d miscarried in the past, and that the fetus was healthy. So, she is not unhappy this has finally happened for her. She writes – I decided to keep the baby. I have a house in an area with great schools, make more than enough to support a child, and will receive generous maternity leave. I already love my baby so much, and still can’t believe that this actually is happening. 

Because she believed the man deserved to know, she tried to inform him but got an angry response from his wife. So, she replied to the wife – I truly did not know he was married and have no interest in keeping in touch after what was supposed to be a night of casual sex. I told her that this was a complete surprise to me, but that she needed to talk to her husband because he had gotten me pregnant, and while I was fine with him not being in the picture, he deserved to know. Her only response was to curse me out, accuse me of baby-trapping, and say that she wouldn’t be spending her money on my “bastard.” When I showed this conversation thread to my friends, they advised me to stop there and keep my baby away “from a cheater and a victim-blamer.” 

It Is Their Mystery Too

Casey Vandenberg and Katherine Benoit-Schwartz

A woman in my all things adoption group wrote – A few years ago, I found my genetic biological dad on Facebook. On a monthly basis I look at his page. His pictures. His families profiles. The last few years I have really wanted to reach out but it’s never felt like the right time. I hesitate because he is married and I have no idea if his wife knows about me.

Blogger’s note – This really tugs at my heart. Often when children are surrendered, the father is left out. My mom’s genetic biological parents were married but separated when my grandmother returned to Memphis at the tail end of a massive flood on the Mississippi River. After being exploited and coerced by Georgia Tann to surrender my mom, almost as an after-thought Tann’s lawyer suggested they better get my grandfather’ signature on the Surrender Papers too, so he couldn’t turn up later with a claim for the child. The only thing I’ve heard that he said about my grandmother was that she was so young. Compared to him, that was true. Same with my dad’s genetic biological parents (his parents never married because he already was a married man and never knew about the son he fathered). Old men seem forever attracted to young women. Sigh.

Looking for an image for this blog today, I came across the heartwarming story that the image here comes from. It was published in Good Housekeeping, May 10 2016, by Stephanie Booth. LINK>I Found My Dad After 33 Years of Searching. Katherine was adopted in Quebec Canada. On her original birth certificate, her biological father was listed as “Unknown,” but the certificate revealed the full name of her birth mother. Sadly, when she reached out hoping to meet the woman, she was told that her mother did not want to know her. “I could never be cold like my mother!” she says.  “I had to find [where] the side of me that was caring and had a heart [came from]. I had to know what kind of person my dad was.”

Using a Family Tree DNA kit, Katherine sent her sample in. Just over two months, after mailing in the sample, Katherine was watching TV when her phone alerted her that she had a new e-mail. “I just knew,” she says. “I began sweating, and my heart was racing. When I opened the e-mail, it said I had a match.” It wasn’t her father but a female relative with the same surname as his. She fired off a note explaining that she was looking for her dad and sharing the bits of information she had. The reply came right away: That sounds like my uncle Casey. The two got on the phone and chatted, and Gerdi promised to reach out to her uncle.

Casey was already 82 years old and retired. He was living in Cape Coral Florida. Minutes after having talked with his niece, Casey sent Katherine an e-mail introducing himself. “He told me he loved me and signed it Your dad,” Katherine says. “That touched my heart. I felt like my life had come full circle.” “There was an immediate bond,” Katherine says. “It was a shock to both of us, but we felt connected. I had no problem calling him my dad. I’d waited for him since I was a teenager, for 33 years.”

“We have an adult father-daughter relationship. There’s no baggage, just respect. We enjoy each other. Not everyone gets a happy ending, but I got mine,” Katherine says. Casey says, “She’s a hell of a gal.”

How To Help

Today’s request – I am trying to help a father get back custody of his child. Custody is currently with another relative. Child protective services are not involved. There will be a court case for him to try to regain custody as the relative is fighting to keep the child. Child wants to be with the parent, and the parent is absolutely more than capable of taking care of his child. Child’s mother is not very involved, but does want the child with the father. I am writing a letter on his behalf. Terrible at that kind of stuff. Is there anyone who can possibly help me? I want to make sure it’s the best possible and that I can help him in anyway get his child back. so if anyone out there is really good at writing this kind of stuff, can you help? Thank you!

PS I’m in adoptive parent, but not really involved in this particular situation.

A family law paralegal says – I’d recommend looking up your state’s child custody best interest factors and organizing your letter around how dad is able to meet those needs. If the child is of age and has a strong preference, honestly I would consider an in-camera interview.

blogger’s note – I found this From ChildWelfare.gov – LINK>Determining the Best Interests of the Child. Also, there is a pdf with a note – “To access the statutes for a specific State or territory, visit the LINK>State Statutes Search.”

This same person added – Another thing to keep in mind is that the courts may want you to testify in addition to the letter as your words on record will likely hold more weight. I’d let dad know that he can tell his attorney (if he has one) that you are willing to be a character witness on his behalf as well.

Another one notes – Depending on how the child went to the relative in the fist place, if Child Protective Services (CPS) is not involved, deference is supposed to go the natural parents. I know it doesn’t always work that way. But if they have avoided CPS and there was not a Termination of Parental Rights (TPR), he has a good shot at regaining his child.

One who is a qualified parenting consultant & custody evaluator in their own state writes – I can definitely help with that! There’s a few key points that are crucial in those letters, depending on the state, but the relative who currently has placement doesn’t have higher ranking rights to the child, if there’s no TPR or CPS involvement, there’s no reason for them to be shown legal preference. Is this child older than 10? If so, their opinion absolutely matters in a legal sense and needs to be advocated for.

Yet another suggests – Find a good father’s rights attorney. Is he a legal father? Has paternity been established? He really shouldn’t have too much issue as long as he is a legal father. The 14th Amendment of the constitution protects a parent’s rights. What men usually run into is – they have “no rights,” until they establish them. Especially, if they are unmarried. That’s why it gets complicated. But if he is already a legal father, get a good father’s rights attorney for the court date.

An Issue of Fairness

Today’s story is about a father who had to fight for over 6 months to bring his daughter home from the custody of the Div of Child and Family Services (DCFS) in Illinois. They had been trying to adopt her out from day one. Especially, when they found out that he lived in a different state. It took 6 months because DCFS lied to the judge at the shelter care hearing saying that they were afraid for his daughter’s safety and that he hadn’t had a relationship with his daughter in over a year.

He didn’t have a physical relationship because of the distance and not being able to afford to travel. He lives in Delaware. For some odd reason, they were under the assumption that she was born in Illinois, not Delaware. They were surprised when he showed up to the emergency shelter care hearing with less than 12 hours notice. He brought his baby girl’s birth certificate with him.

At this point, he can only honestly believe that the mom was working with them, so that the baby girl couldn’t come home with him on day one. The child’s mom wasn’t happy to see him there that day either.

To clarify, it was the mom’s criminal charges that caused DCFS to be involved to begin with. Therefore, DCFS was given temporary guardianship and he was ordered by the judge to go through the Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children (ICPC) process. Then, DCFS admitted at the final hearing, through his public defender, that he was never supposed to go through that process because he was the non-offending parent.

The real harm came when his baby girl was moved from foster home to foster home. He now knows she was placed in homes that were foster-to-adopt, all the while the child’s mom was active in seeing her. The baby girl was calling out for her mom all the time.

He can only thank God that the lady who did finally take her in for the last 4 and half months was a guardian angel. Because of her wonderful behavior he and his whole family all consider her to be “grandmother” to the baby girl.

There was a reason she was in the picture. Her son had also had a daughter with the same woman. The lady has had custody of that baby since birth but DCFS opened a case, even though there shouldn’t have been.

So this man is just putting his story out there. Maybe it will help someone or some parents, by letting them know that they can fight Child Protective Services (CPS) so that they can bring their kids home and not give up hope during the long and frustrating process. It will be 2 years in January that his baby girl has been back home.

Finally, under the heading of people can and do change – Thankfully, the child’s mom has also been slowly making progress with her own issues and is able to be somewhat involved in being a mom to their daughter.

Difficult Father Issues

Today’s story – my 13 year old’s biological father wants to terminate his parental rights and the only way the state will allow that to happen is if my husband adopts my child. This is not something I ever wanted to happen and I tried very hard to avoid things getting to this point.

In the past under joint custody, he has refused to consent to therapy, refused to allow the children to take their medication, changed their class placements against their will, withdrawn them from extracurriculars, cancelled doctors appointments, picked up their glasses from the eye doctor and then, refused to give them back to us, etc… it’s just been a lot. At this point, he also hasn’t seen our child for the last four years, by his own choice. My husband is already raising my child and has been for most of their life. They already live here 100% of the time. So, logistically, this would not change anything.

If we do the adoption, I will be able to get my child back in therapy, to help them begin to work through all of this. Also with the adoption, comes the option for them to change their last name. They have their biological father’s last name. They are ADAMANT that they want to get rid of his last name and take mine. I did not change my name, when I got married. So it isn’t my husband’s last name. My last name is pretty important to me. I never knew my biological father or anything about him, and my mother did not raise me (I was a kinship adoptee). My last name has always felt like a connection myself, if that makes sense. It’s one of the very few things I can trace through generations and say ”this is where I came from.” My child knows this and I think wants to have a part of that as well.

All of that said, I feel weird about changing their name. So, I wonder if I should encourage them to keep his last name. There is a lot of trauma and hurt associated with that name for them. My hesitation is – do I feel they are old enough to have the final say in this. I really never wanted this for them and I am feeling horribly guilty about all of it.

Someone shared their personal experience – My husband adopted my child (this was an adult adoption), we asked their input and what they wanted. We made it clear it was 100% their choice and in no way did we want to influence such a big decision either way but we discussed scenarios and options in length and made them wait a while to make sure they still wanted it changed and it wasn’t out of spite or anger or a split second decision.

This is a different scenario than an adoption of a young child who cannot consent (this was really hard for me to accept but necessary to understand). Your child is consenting and wants their name changed. Names are very triggering, even for my adult child, when they hear their original name it always makes them lose their breath. It is ok to change their name, it’s ok!

Another person confirmed – in my state the court will not terminate the parental rights of a father, if there is a step-parent who could adopt. A father can’t terminate his rights without adoption because legally, it leaves the child fatherless. It’s something that, if allowed, could lead to parents requesting termination to avoid being required to support their children.

Happy Endings

Christopher Emanuel, a Black father from South Carolina whose daughter was adopted without him knowing, has finally gained full custody after an intense court battle. Since then, he has also founded an organization called the Sky Is The Limit Foundation to help other fathers who are going through the same ordeal.

In 2014, Emanuel said his girlfriend, who is white and whose family did not approve of their relationship, placed their newborn daughter Skylar for adoption without his permission. “I was lost, man, I was hurt, I was confused because I wanted to insure that I could be there for my child,” he said.

Since Emanuel knew that his girlfriend was pregnant, he listed himself on February 4, 2014 on the Responsible Fatherhood Registry, a South Carolina database for those who fathered a child but were not married. With that effort, he was supposed to be notified if the child was put up for adoption. But when a family filed a motion to adopt Skylar on February 19, 2014, Emanuel wasn’t informed.

The adoptive family, who were from San Diego, were able to adopt Skylar even though they’re from another state due to a South Carolina law that allows out-of-state adoptions under special circumstances, including when a child is biracial. Emanuel endured a lengthy court to dispute the adoption. He said at some point, he even considered just adopting his own daughter back as he almost lost hope he would see her again.

After a year, a judge sided with Emanuel as court records clearly showed his paternal rights were terminated without his permission. He was then granted sole custody of his daughter.

Emanuel’s non-profit organization empowers, educates, and promotes responsible fatherhood through seminars and one-on-one counseling. The range of services provided includes parental development, character development, legal guidance, and registry assistance for adoption. Through the responses from social media, it has become very obvious that there is a need in our communities for such a service. The positive results from such father-to-child connection and proper parenting are a reduction in teen pregnancies, fewer behavioral problems, and continuation of schooling at the high school level.

I Just Want To Know Why

The story of LINK>Penelope Cumler from the Right To Know website.

She was the youngest of 6 children – her father an ordained minister and her mother a housewife, then a teacher, then a nurse. Her parents “fought a lot. There was little affection, considerable distrust, and a general sense of chaos and hopelessness. Resentments and anger always seemed to simmer close by. Financial hardships that didn’t make sense for educated, middle class parents, and the shame of this that must be hidden.”

At 32, she begged her father to tell her why he didn’t like her—had never liked her. He became angry. He denied that he treated her differently, and told her to grow up, adding “What’s wrong with you, anyway?” And then, her father dropped dead of a heart attack, and then she was blamed for “causing trouble”. She just wanted to know why the whole family shunned her.  It never seemed to be about her, about who she was, or her behavior. It was just her existence. Her presence. 

Ten years later, she remembered visiting a cabin by the sea and playing with a little boy who was 3 years younger than she was. She asked her mother, “who that man was that we visited at his cabin by the sea. Why did we visit him?” The first time, she said he was just a family friend. “But…”, she began to say. And then something entirely unthought came out of her mouth before she could even consider it. “Was he my father?” Without meeting her gaze, her mother answered, “Why would you think that? That is crazy. You’re crazy.”

Several years later, she was in her fifties by now and her mother was in her 80s. She tried asking again but this time her mother surprised her by how strong her reaction was – “You’re abusing me! Stop abusing me!” Before leaving her after that visit, she couldn’t even look at her mother, couldn’t give her a hug goodbye. Then her mother died.

Then, she shares how she finally got her answer – Four years later, working in the garden on an autumn day, the name of the son of the man in the cabin by the sea, with whom I had played as a little girl, fell into my head like the whisper of a ghost in my ear. Within minutes I found him on social media. Within hours he responded. Within ten sentences sent back and forth he asked, “Can I be honest with you?” and then, “You are my half-sister.”

All she had ever wanted was the truth, a truth she had the right to know, a truth consciously and aggressively denied her. She notes – The universe seems to be tapping more frequently and insistently lately, “Tell your story, tell the truth, get it out there…and let it go.” She admits – “I feel surprisingly unaffected by the shame my parents must have felt. I attribute this to the sense that I never felt cared for and didn’t trust them and, because they showed me no mercy, I have no sympathy for how their reputations may suffer.” She believes that finally knowing the truth has in many ways saved her life.

When Dad Is A ?

My dad never knew his genetic father which is a shame because they would have been great fishing buddies. There is an adoptee who’s writings I follow, Tony Corsentino. He wrote a piece for this day. He titled his LINK>D.N.A. You can read the entire piece there. I’ll just excerpt it a bit here.

He mentions that he had received a copy of his original birth certificate two months before he received an email from his birth mother. He learned his biological father’s name in that email. On his original birth certificate nothing appears in the blank labeled “father.” blogger’s note – my father’s birth certificate had no name for a father either.

Yet, Tony had a name. He found his father’s Facebook page. He didn’t do anything else with the information for 8 years. He had built relationships with his birth mother and her siblings. He feared upending his new and (what he feared was a) fragile relationship with his birth mother. She and his father had ended contact when she discovered she was pregnant. 

Yet, he did want to learn more about his father and so he went the Ancestry route. blogger’s note – It certainly proved very useful in my own roots journey quest. His father had not submitted a DNA sample, although he had joined the site and created a rudimentary tree. At Ancestry, Tony was able to reconstruct an extensive family tree. He messaged a few DNA matches on his father’s side. It took 4 months before he got a reply from any of them. One of them was not kind.

Yet, he knew that to send that message out was to signal to his biological relatives that he was not going to hide who he is from anyone: not his biological relationships from his adoptive family, and not one half of his biological tree from the other half.

His father’s first cousin, (his second cousin once removed) conferred with her sister. They welcomed him as family. They were in contact with his father and agreed to serve as intermediaries for an eventual contact. He notes that a few weeks later, he spoke with his father for the first time. Here is how it went –

“He was most eager to share family history and lore—about his uncles who had perished in World War II, about his career, about his two sons, my half-brothers. And with evident discomfort he explained that his wife, who had known that he had possibly fathered a child, was opposed to my making contact with people in her family. He said he was “working on” this. That was the last I’ve heard about it. In the months since we have exchanged a handful of text messages on holidays and birthdays. His two cousins are Facebook friends. I am planning to meet them this summer. It might be the only branch of my father’s family—my family—that will accept me.”

This Father’s Day, he has questions – “Does it make sense to wish my biological father a happy Father’s Day? Did he feel my absence from his life in anything like the way my birth mother did, who carried me and gave birth and watched as they took me out of the room on the understanding that the absence would be forever? . . . Father’s Day gives me nothing to say to him. Not, anyway, as long as my existence remains a problem—a threat just outside the walls of the family stockade.”

blogger’s note – I like his ending – “Let this be a note pinned to the stockade door. Dad, you know where to find me.”