Foster Care Mentoring

In my all things adoption group, a woman asked – I want to get involved in the foster care system in some way to help people in my community, but I’m trying to learn the best ways to do so without contributing to the flaws in the system. While I’d like to eventually foster myself, my husband and I are not yet in a place where we’d be able to. I recently learned that you can become a mentor to foster youth who will age out of the system and there seemed to be some research on improved outcomes through mentoring. Do any of you have any experience or advice related to the foster mentorship program? Is that a good way I can get involved?

Someone asked her – Are you interested in family preservation? Because that’s the purpose of foster care … mentoring & helping families stay together would be better than focusing on keeping families apart, don’t you think? She replied – Yeah that’s what I want! Would becoming a foster home be “focusing on keeping families apart” in your view? To which a long answer came – in a word – yes. It’s the very nature of being a foster home. You are caring for other people’s children in your home. Food for thought if you’re serious about helping – have you considered being a sort of respite home for a family rather than just taking the kids? Or welcoming a woman with her children together? Helping them get back on their feet? Providing child care while they work, go to school, etc? Mentor a family on life skills? Going grocery shopping for them? Driving them places? Helping them get a driver’s license? Help them get a job, go back to school, get technical or trade school training? Volunteer at Big Brother or Big Sister? There are so many ways to help without just taking kids away. These are normally just temporary problems. Do you know how many women get their kids taken away by CPS just because of poverty? Have you thought about what happens when someone loses their job due to cutbacks? Or during the pandemic? How do they look for work if they have kids? Why do people ALWAYS just want to take children???

To which she answered, I’m writing this out not to argue or say I’m right or something, I genuinely want to know what your thoughts are in response as I’m trying to learn. I definitely don’t want to take children away from their parents, especially not unnecessarily. I understand that the foster care system is broken and CPS is trigger happy and defective. My husband and I actually have talked about wanting to be a place where someone we know who’s in need can stay with us and we can provide help. My thought is, and if you know the answer to this I would be grateful, how would I be able to get in touch with families like you describe? If I knew of a family before CPS intervened, I’d absolutely want to help them to hopefully prevent their children from being taken away. But I’m not sure how to find those families, and in my area, there are more children being taken away and placed into the system than there are homes for them to stay in. I view that as a need that should be met. Those kids are unfortunately and most of the time unfairly being taken away anyways, and I’d much rather offer them a place to stay than they be placed in group homes, hotels, juvenile detention centers, offices, etc. And then I’d also be able to be a foster home that isn’t automatically against the parents and working to keep them apart, like so many foster homes are. Do you not think that would be a positive thing? I want to be a force for good in a broken system that actually wants family reunification, when so many foster homes and case workers are against the families. My goal is not to adopt, it is reunification.

An adoptee added – Being a CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocates) is a great step, if you have time and organizational skills – and aren’t afraid to speak up when you see something that isn’t right. CASA are volunteers from the community who complete training that has been provided by the state or local CASA office and advocates for abused or neglected children. LINK>Be a CASA or GAL Volunteer.

Only 33% of youth in foster care have a driver’s license and only 56% graduate from high school. Youth in foster care often lack consistent relationships. They may struggle academically, developmentally, and relationally. High-quality relationships are the foundation for all other learning to take place. Adult mentors provide ongoing emotional support and guidance to youth in foster care. Mentors actively listen to hopes, fears, and dreams. They become an important part of the child’s journey toward better outcomes. LINK>Fostering Great Ideas – Reimagine Foster Care

One woman shared – We fostered a long time and then I did work mentoring parents with kids in the system. I did it informally, case by case, referred usually by caseworkers or attorneys I knew. But, that’s where the real difference is made, I think. Helping parents navigate the system, gain skills, have someone to talk to and support them, etc.

“Whether the burdens come from the hardships of poverty, the challenges of parental substance abuse or serious mental illness, the stresses of war, the threats of recurrent violence or chronic neglect, or a combination of factors, the single most common finding is that children who end up doing well have had at least one stable and committed relationship with a supportive parent, caregiver, or other adult.”
~ National Scientific Council on the Developing Child

Normal Late Teen Behavior

The girl in the image is NOT the one being referred to by this foster mother but I believe the uncertainty is not unusual in this age group, even though the girl’s reasons are valid. Today’s story –

I am the foster parent to a 17 yr old, who is about to turn 18 in a few months. She wants to change her last name, to make it harder for anyone from her past life to locate her. She had been adopted as a baby and the adoptive parents, who she got along with, are dead.

She wants nothing to do with her biological family ever again. They also want nothing to do with her. But, one older sibling she does not like, who was abusive towards her, might try to find her.

She wants to be adopted again. But, I do not plan to adopt her after she ages out of foster care because she would lose too many benefits that would help her in going to the private college of her choice. She plans to get scholarships for that based on need.

I will remain a support; and of course let her stay for the rest of high school, and during breaks from college, once she moves to the dorm. I will help her financially, as needed.

She says she wants to be adopted, once she’s in grad school, which she plans to go on to after college. I am not sure it’s a good idea but once we get to that time, it’s possible I would – if she still wanted that, as she’d be 23 years old.

Should I encourage her to choose a made up name that’s different from mine? I don’t care if she takes my last name but I don’t know if that would be better or worse for her than a made up one. She’s on the spectrum as well, although recently diagnosed and does not present that way, so most people don’t realize it. She does ask my advice a lot but I don’t know what the answer to changing her name is. She does not want the birth name she had before she was adopted. She’s already changed her first name, though not yet legally, as she hates her entire name. She is already in therapy.

Some thoughtful replies –

One woman who was adopted from India and raised in the US – it sounds like she has good reason to change her last name, and honestly I don’t see a major issue, minus financially it can be pricy. She added – it’s state by state with costs, I know for my sister it was $300 in Missouri, when we looked at it. She prefers her nickname to her legal name and my parents didn’t care, but she didn’t want to pay the cost. Several added examples – in California, there is a fee waiver form and it sounds like she might qualify for something similar. From another – in Washington state I paid ~$260 for the name change, I think ~$15 each for extra copies (which came in handy) and ~$50 for a new license. Also this one – I’m in Pennsylvania and my name change cost about $500.

There was someone who shared – Changed my name many times to get away from abusive family/and because I’m trans. If she wants not to be found, it depends on if the people looking for her know your last name. If they do, probably best to go with a different name. Still, help her find something that holds meaning to her. I’m in Virginia and it was an easy $41 ordeal.

Another shared – My husband and I both changed our last name to something unrelated to either of our families. It cost $600, had to be posted in the newspaper for 2 weeks, followed by a hearing where we just confirmed we were doing it because we wanted to. When she is 18, just allow her to do as she wishes.

From an adoptive parent – do you know her reasoning for wanting to be adopted ? It sounds to me that she may just want to belong, feel accepted, have a stable family, etc but it may be a good idea to ask and better understand her thoughts and desires around adoption.

One adoptive parent asked – Are you sure she’ll lose her benefits, if you finalize adoption ? We adopted our now 18 year old, when she was 17 but she gets all her benefits until she’s 21 (which includes scholarships and her tuition). Is there any way you can check with her social worker ? As far as her name goes, it’s her decision. When our adoption was finalized, our daughter initially kept her last name but she recently asked to change it to ours. She now has her mom’s last name as a second middle name.

Another shares her perspectives – based on what you’ve said here – I’d encourage her to wait. If she’s in danger – actual danger- that’s different. I agree with you about not adopting her; families look all sorts of ways and she can choose her own, right? Because she’s so uncertain about what she wants to call herself and why, it just seems prudent to wait until she’s an adult. She can have nicknames and that sort of thing, but changing your name is a whole big thing and complicated. I’m sure you’ll figure it out. I really like that you’re asking for other perspectives and listening to her. Just give her time and space to figure things out – especially because she’s on the spectrum. Keep helping her and supporting her like you’re doing.

Targeted Assistance

The sister of an adoptee posts this question – If a child is “available” for adoption through the state, are there ways to become involved and support them outside of adoption? Queer couple living in an extremely conservative state and would love recommendations on supporting queer youth in the system. If kiddos are adoptable is it too late to step in as a guardian so their identity isn’t legally erased? Is it even needed?

The first response was this – LGBTQ people who are eligible should adopt LGBTQ kids who have been thrown away and have no family. I say this as a person in the LGBTQ community.

Another noted – Just because you adopt a child doesn’t mean you’re erasing their identity. This is refuted by others – unless you are in a state where you can retain the person’s factual birth certificate, you are. And even still, adoption severs them legally from their family and ancestors. And this – Adoption is a legal construct only. One that erases true identity in perpetuity. This is what adoption is. The irony of modern adoption is that it’s based on archaic “as if born to” legal secrecy. However, modern day DNA / ancestry sites now show the genealogical truth. They expose the legal lie.

But another has a different point of view – my family is black and the ones who have been adopted don’t feel like their identity was taken and love that they are in the family. I often wonder if it is a cultural feeling with identity. Blacks Americans have lost their true identity for hundreds of years, so I wonder if that is why the ones adopted in my family feel so different. I bring up topics from this group and they get offended and tell me to shut up. I just bring it up because I don’t want my niece to feel any type of way.

A foster parent notes – Depends on their age, but if kids are available for adoption, it probably means that they want to be adopted. However, if you want to be supportive, there are a number of gay teens who need foster homes and the support provided there. They are probably too old for adoption, but will need guidance and support as they age out of foster care into independent living. Apply to become foster parents. Older teens are the ones who begin to understand that they are part of the LGBTQ community. That is what this post is about—providing support for those older teens. Though another noted – You certainly don’t need to be an older teen to be queer. An adoptive parent who adopted out of foster care comments – queer teens are absolutely overrepresented in the system, guardianship or long-term foster care/age out plan with queer and affirming adults might be helpful. It is up to the individual youth, if that would be helpful or not, but in my experience many youth with trauma backgrounds appreciate location stability.

Yet someone else who spent time in foster care notes the reality – not all states allow guardianship as a permanency option after Termination of Parental Rights (TPR) has occurred. This is something those with foster care experience in their youth have been trying to change for years. In many states, if we are legally adoptable, that’s the outcome the state pushes for because it’s more cost effective for them and they ignore the fact that many youth adopted from care re-enter care at least 1x after adoption. In my home state, guardianship was only a permanency option, if it was a kinship placement. Otherwise, adoption or remaining in active care were our permanency outcome goals. So for kids under the age of 8, by the time of TPR, typically they were adopted out, those of us over that age tended to end up in restrictive environments.

Muslim Teen

Today’s concerned question – Does it benefit a child in any way if they are adopted right before aging out of the foster system?

I happened upon my state’s adoption directory, which is disgusting because it lists HUMAN children as if they’re shelter dogs. Like, what the fuck? Oh, and of course all the children are POC and/or disabled because saintly wealthy white adoptive “angels” don’t want anything but healthy white infants.

What caught my eye was that there’s a Muslim teenage boy “looking for a home”. We’re a Muslim family. Of course, I don’t know his whole story. But he will be out of the system in a year or so. I don’t believe you magically know how the world works or can survive in your own when you hit 18. I’ve heard of this concept of adopting teens who are about to age out, so they have a home base/landing pad as they become legal adults. As a Muslim, we have no concept of adoption as Islam holds that adoption in the western sense takes advantage of orphans and erases the heritage of children. Would pursuing adoption for this child benefit him in any way? What if I financially supported him to find distant family, college enrollment, career development etc.? Or even just a home to celebrate Ramadan and both Eid’s in, as I doubt he’s in a Muslim home placement?

One response – Does it have to be adoption? Could you offer him guardianship in your state? Or even foster him instead so he has a Muslim household to go to?

Another notes – He’s old enough that you can ask him what he prefers. And another agrees and suggests – Present him with information and let him choose his future. And yet another – See what he wants to do and find out your options.

One advises – there are probably financial benefits for him, such as insurance, maybe help with tuition, stuff like that… Since he is an older child you could take him in and explore those things and give him a chance to decide if that is the choice that he wants.

Another shares – My former sister in law did this with one of her students. But she became his guardian and didn’t adopt. I’m not sure how they came to that arrangement, but he became part of the family as a teenager and she calls him her son. They supported him financially and he was able to get lots of scholarships all the way through grad school because he wasn’t adopted.

One who experienced foster care as a youth writes – NO to adoption or “permanent” placement. I was “placed” at 17 and 1 month away from aging out. The state decided I didn’t need any help related to foster care after that. I wasn’t eligible for ANYTHING related to being in care. I ended up homeless shortly after. This kid will lose transitional assistance if adopted or “permanently” housed.

One adoptive parent wrote – Check with the agency and your state in terms of what support they receive through young adulthood, if you adopt or not. The FAFSA for federal aid for education now has a question that asks if the student has been in foster care at any time after the age of 13, and if so they are considered independent and eligible for more aid than when parents income is considered. But consider what age they will have health insurance – if you have employer insurance that allows you to add them and continue to age 26, then that could be a big help to a young adult, if their state based medical insurance would end sooner. It varies by state whether there is any support available for foster youth between ages 18-21.

One adoptive parent noted – In California, he will be eligible for more aid from the state, if he is not adopted. However, the idea of your family including him in celebrations and becoming a source of cultural, religious, and emotional support is lovely.

A CASA volunteer shares – he may benefit more from supervised independent living thru age 21, if available. You could offer to be a resource as a place to go during college breaks and holidays, without making a formal arrangement. He might then consider/ask to be adopted as an adult. There may be certain advantages to not having to claim your income as household income, when it comes to services and educational expense.

An adoptive parent through foster care writes – I wish we had a federal system with normed supports to give you a concrete answer. You need to do some homework to see what is available in your specific state and region via options. Many regions offer more supports without adoption, such as transitional housing, college support, stipends, etc, where even guardianship would not be his best option. Other areas children loose all supports at 18, if not in care, but keep medical and a stipend until 23, if adopted as a teen. (I wish that wasn’t the case but it is in some places). I would just reach out to the case worker and not mention ANYTHING about the type of permanency and just start the conversation with that you are a Muslim home and would love to support. Some case workers will push adoption, so just get your foot in the door with some real conversations on how you can support him before mentioning your concerns about adoption. Having people in your corner to talk to, lean on, and celebrate with, would be an amazing support in and of itself.

A foster parent shares her experience with an orphaned teen. She is also a former CASA. They may well get more benefits, if they age out. It depends what they need or want to do, as to if it matters in their particular situation. As an example, I know a 17 yo wanting to go to four year private college, then grad school after that. If they are listed as independent, no parents, they very likely will get more in scholarships for both schools. If they are adopted, even after aging out, they’d no longer be considered independent, then the graduate school they want to attend would then require the parent assets and income information in considering private scholarships. Some scholarships are still available, if a foster kid is adopted at age 17. Others are not. It really depends what they want to do. Adoption means if the adopters pass away, the kid will inherit what they had but that can be done with wills and trusts, if you want to leave them anything should you pass away.

Another person who spent time in foster care and then was adopted notes – The aid at the state level is universally better and there are new federal aid packages that have lowered the minimum age and raised the limit for aid for people who have ever been in foster care. The foster care alumni association used to have some awesome resources. I would not participate in formal adoption but rather open your home as one resource (but don’t be offended, if they don’t accept). I had several home bases that filled different voids my adopted mom had but those relationships are since no longer a part of my life by my choice.

Preventing Foster Care Placement

Jill Chaifetz (b 1964-d 2006) Children’s Rights Advocate

I stumbled on this today – Jill Chaifetz once remarked, “The American foster care system has developed a remarkable immunity to reform.” In 1992, Chaifetz founded the Legal Services Center at The Door, a New York youth development agency. Through the center, she provided legal advice to young people, including many who were in foster care or homeless.

I had hoped to find information on reforming the nation’s child welfare system into one that equitably supports children and families in their communities as a means to prevent foster care placements. Such perspectives are hard to come by. The pro-adoption narratives are strong and pervasive.

The scientific evidence is conclusive. Parent-child separations lead to a host of long-term psychological, social, and health problems that are not necessarily resolved upon reunification. In particular, the disruption of biological stress regulation mechanisms in the body are further taxed by the absence of parental support. The science is clear: policies that separate families have devastating and long-term developmental consequences for children and their families.

The Annie E Casey Foundation has a series of three 60 minute episodes at this LINK>The Unlearning of Child Welfare: Webinar Series Explores How to Rebuild the Child Welfare System. Creating a Child and Family Well-Being System. The third video explores – What Can An Equitable Foster Care Experience Look Like Going Forward ?

Changing A Child’s Name

I don’t belong to that group. Some in my all things adoption group which includes foster parents, adoptive parents and former foster care youths had some (actually a LOT) thoughts but I’ll just share a few.

One adoptive parent said simply – she is not a dog!!! (blogger’s note – we have a bunny that we got at the state fair many years ago – we were told his name is Walnut – and we had not desire to change it.) One woman noted – In fact, I never changed my cat’s name when I adopted her from an animal shelter. The one who shared the image wrote – A child is not an animal, you can’t change their name to suit YOUR wants. This is NOT design a child. It’s one thing if the child is older and it’s THEIR decision, but we’re talking about a toddler here.

Another person noted – “fostering to adopt” because it’s the cheaper way to buy a kid! FFS! To which another added – it shouldn’t be allowed as it’s a conflict of interest. Wonder how many reunifications have been derailed by the fosters that want to keep specific children?! Someone else noted financial reasons – it’s income from the state till the child reaches 18, in some cases, 21! Another added experience – I know of a couple reunifications that didn’t happen after the fosters decided they wanted to adopt. These were parents actively working towards reunification; and if they couldn’t be returned to the parents, there were other family members willing to take them. It is so messed up that in some cases the fosters have more rights than the parents or family. I know that one of the fosters turned out to have ties with the Guardian Ad Litem’s brother. Coincidence? Doubtful.

One mother of loss tells her sad story – My kids’ fosters actively stood in the way of reunification, and played on the fact that (when they moved for TPR – Termination of Parental Rights) I was in a state of upheaval, and had no place of my own, no job, and no family to rely on. It didn’t matter that I was clean, following all recommendations, willing to do therapy with the kids, and actively looking for work. They verbally promised visitation, if I would sign the papers. And then, the judge in our TPR hearing gave me 30 days to decide whether I would sign voluntarily or fight. I was told in open court that if I didn’t sign, he would terminate anyway and I would have no shot at visitation (I later found out that the judge was KNOWN for being biased against natural mothers in recovery). So I signed, thinking at least I’d have something, just for them to say they didn’t feel it was in the kids best interests to have me in their lives. I was never informed by my lawyer that I could appeal. Someone I knew told me, after the appeal time had expired. It’s absolutely insane what the state can get away with. I wasn’t even allowed to explain to my kids what happened and say goodbye. I haven’t spoken to or seen them since 2017. It shattered my heart and not a day goes by that I don’t see them in my mind.

Don’t Let The B*&^($@ds . . .

Daffodils & Dirt Sam Morton’s Album

That is not the album cover but the concept captured me. It comes from another woman’s Scottish story that drew Morton and has arrived in The Guardian – by Kate Kellaway – LINK>‘The hardest thing is to forgive yourself’: actor Samantha Morton and writer Jenni Fagan on the trauma of growing up in care.

The Guardian notes – Both women have used their work to process childhoods ravaged by neglect and abuse. Meeting for the first time, they discuss survival and anger, Fagan’s new memoir, and the state of the UK’s care system today. Jenni Fagan’s extraordinary, harrowing and uplifting memoir, Ootlin, is about growing up in the Scottish care system. Ootlin translated from the Scottish vernacular means someone who “never belonged, an outsider who did not want to be in”. LINK>Review by Sara Crowley. Samantha Morton is an Oscar nominee twice over, who directed and co-wrote, with Tony Grisoni, the TV film LINK>The Unloved (2009), about a girl growing up in a care home, which drew an audience of 2 million.

About Fagan’s memoir, Sam says: “When I read Jenni’s book, I felt as if we were twins. I didn’t realize there was another human being who had had an almost identical childhood to mine, and not only survived but become formidable against the odds. The similarities between us are bizarre; it was like when you do a butterfly drawing at school, then fold it – there is Jenni in Scotland and there is Sam in Nottingham… and we’re the same age.” “I’m a bit older,” says Fagan. “I’m still 46,” says Morton. “I’m 47,” Fagan says.

Both women spent years in children’s homes and foster care. Morton had 12 foster placements and Fagan 27 by the time she was 16 (with two unsuccessful adoption placements). Each had mothers who suffered poor mental health. Fagan never knew hers, whereas Morton’s mother, who died in 2017, is a known presence in her story. Morton’s father was intermittently violent and spent spells in prison. Both Fagan and Morton suffered abuse, got into drugs for a while, and had periods of homelessness.

If these stories are of interest to you, I highly recommend reading the entire article at The Guardian link above. blogger’s note – having learned I have Scottish roots, anything to do with that country always interests me.

Setting The Record Straight

Simone Biles with Ronald and Nellie Biles

There is not a doubt that the support of grandparents is important in every child’s life. The Olympics have brought a renewed emphasis on the story of Simone Biles and how much her grandparents, who adopted her and a sister, have made her life possible when her parents just had challenges that prevented them from being good parents. I wrote about her quite a few years ago here.

Someone who’s perspective I appreciate shared what are for her key points in this story and so, I will share that here today.

1. The entire story focuses on adoption and adoptive parents and never adoptees. Athletes and celebrities have good PR teams around them to create a narrative about them. During the Olympics, this is when you hear the hardships stories because it allows people to create a connection which equals more money. These kinds of hardships stories are seen on talent shows too.

2. Simone was adopted by her grandparents. She has access to her roots, story, DNA. Kinship adoption is different than stranger adoption. The saddest part is the older children were separated from their younger siblings. The grandparents adopted the younger two which is Simone and her sister who were toddlers at the time, the older two were teens.

3. In 2016, an article said her grandmother, who became her adoptive mom, told the kids they can call her mom and be a real family. Simone stated ever since that day she called her grandparents “mom and dad”. How many adoptive and foster parents try to force or ask the children to call them mom and dad ? Another article said kinship should never try to replace the parents because kinship is about keeping connections.

4. The media paints her biological parents as terrible and adoption as amazing. Simone has contact with their biological mother and was part of her life. The media outlining her biological mother’s struggles and bashing her to uplift adoptive parents and adoption was gross. TMZ found her biological mom and she’s doing well now. It’s sad how people’s past, when they were struggling, is used against them. We didn’t need to know her biological mom’s story.

5. I’ve heard former foster youth and current foster youth who are upset that Simone is being used as a poster child for foster care and adoption. After the Rio Olympics, one of my former placements said she’s tired of hearing about Simone Biles because she felt she doesn’t represent the majority of foster kids. A former foster youth, said a foster child will never be an Olympic gymnast and it’s ridiculous to use her to recruit foster parents. Also, this forces the foster child to feel grateful.

6. Simone is an amazing gymnast but she has trauma and struggles with her own mental health. Placing her as a poster child for foster care and adoption, does a disservice to foster kids and adoptees. It also does a disserve to Simone. She’s not here to save the day.

7. Recently, a video has been going around of Simone stating adoption saved her and if it weren’t for adoption and her parents, she wouldn’t be here. The Today Show host Hoda is also an adoptive mom. I can’t say this enough, but if an adoptee says they’re grateful for adoption and their adoptive parents, please don’t use this against adoptees you disagree with or with your own children. Never ever expect your foster and adopted children to feel grateful for you or for adoption/foster care.

Unfortunately the media and public loves a good tragic back story, but Simone’s story shouldn’t be used against foster kids or adoptees. I remember cringing when my local agency said you can foster and adopt the next Simone Biles who made the Olympics. Gross.

Adoption and foster care IS traumatic.

If Simone ever decides to speak about any of her experiences that the public disagrees with or doesn’t tow the party line, she’d be called ungrateful. An adoptee went though this at the winter Olympics after saying she wanted to find her biological family. She said some things about adoption many didn’t like hearing.

I wish her family didn’t go public and allowed her to decide when she wanted to and if she wanted certain things shared. Now that it’s out there, she has to be careful about what she says.

Also, for those fighting reunification just stop. Supporting Simone means advocating for families to stay together. We don’t know where Simone would’ve ended up or who she would have become – if she didn’t have her grandparents to take her in. The majority of outcomes for foster kids are extremely sad. The odds of doing gymnastics as a foster kid are vanishingly very low.

One other note from an adoptee – I am quite sure many Black people do not acknowledge her adoption. It is common in our community for grandparents to step in and raise grandchildren, when the biological parents are incapable. The majority of us from the Caribbean were raised by our grandparents while our parents left for different countries, neglect us or new opportunities. (blogger’s note – in fact it is common in the rural community in Missouri where I live and there are very few Black people living here.)

Difficult Conversations

Not the child in today’s story.

We have guardianship of a 7yr old. He has lived with us twice before through foster care but always returned home after sobriety was achieved.

Guardianship happened after the 3rd relapse in 6 years.

Grandparents have guardianship of some older siblings and often go camping in the summer and invite his mom to join them (their daughter and mother of the kids).

How would you navigate the conversation of yes he can go camping with his family but he can’t move back in with his mom, since she is still in rehab and we don’t know when/if he ever will, due to her substance abuse history?

Is it as simple as saying it that way? I don’t want to overcomplicate it.

He knows that his mom was arrested for drugs and that’s why he has lived with us through the years. His whole life we have genuinely had a good relationship with his mom. We send her pictures and he has had several supervised visits since the last relapse and they FaceTime several times during the week.

One suggestion – “All grown-ups need help taking care of kids. That’s why we are teamed up with the adults in your family, so that we can all help each other take the best care of you.”

One person formerly in foster care asks – Do you think he would want to go? I’m only speaking from my personal experience. I didn’t like events like that when I was a kid with my father because he would try to act like he was this good dad and it was uncomfortable and I felt out of place the entire time. That’s not to say he shouldn’t go but there are a lot of emotional things to navigate outside of just her sobriety.

Another one suggested – put it back on the courts, if he asks. “Right now the judge decided it’s best for you to stay with us. When the judge tells us you can come back to your mom we will absolutely make it happen.” And if he asks when, it’s okay to say that you don’t know but will keep him updated as soon as you do.

An elementary school teacher who has some experience with parents that have addiction issues said – the camping experience is an opportunity for an extended visit with your mom and grandparents. Your mom and grandparents are going to make sure you and your siblings have a great time together. Your mom is still doing some really important work to be her best, and she still needs some more time to do that. Which means you are not going to go home to live with her yet. She added – ask if he’s comfortable with that because it might be more traumatic for him to deal with that separation all over again. She also suggested a therapist to talk about the trauma he’s experienced, in general. She then shared – My mom struggled with addiction for years and, while I was never removed, I wish I could have had someone who didn’t make her the bad guy for fighting a really difficult disease. It takes an incredible amount of work to fight that addiction, and kudos to his mom to keep trying.

One adoptive parent said – Sometimes the answers are just what they are and there isn’t a nice explanation just a hard truth. we just talk about it honestly. Mom had a drug addiction and tons of childhood trauma herself. We talk about those things. How trauma and addiction can effect us. We always emphasize that it isn’t anything against them. She added – my experience is to always go with the truth. Sometimes the situation just sucks and it is ok to say that. And added – she never negatively talks about their Mom – ever – but the girls sometimes express anger. We validate those feelings but I never jump on that bandwagon.

Let Her Lead

Not the teenage girl in today’s story.

From an adoptee (not myself) – I’m currently the foster parent of a teen girl. Recently she brought up the prospect of my husband and I adopting her.

Right now her biological mother is wanting to retain custody, but my foster is adamantly opposed to this.

Foster has been in the system for several years, and we are the first family she has done really well with. My husband and I definitely want to adopt her, if reunification can’t happen, but I’m concerned about the longer term fallout if we proceed.

We will not interfere with reunification at all, we also will not lie and say she wants to go back to her mother if she is telling us (and therapists) otherwise. After years in the system she just now found her voice to speak her mind and not feel guilty.

I’ve been in contact with the mother and send her regular pictures and updates, and even if we adopt her, I’ll continue to do so.

I guess I’m looking for some guidance? My own background: I was adopted through kinship at 16 after I was sold to a random family in another state. Thankfully, my grandparents found out and intervened.

One adoptee wisely noted – She cannot give fully informed consent to adoption until she’s an adult. She’s in trauma brain/survival mode. She likely wants the security of what she *thinks* adoption will bring, not actual adoption.

Another shared – I was in similar shoes as a foster kid. My biological mom was horribly abusive and addicted. I was placed back and forth for 11 years. By the time they started seriously considering a Termination of Parental Rights, I was so ready to just be done with it and adopted. She was NOT going to get it together – we tried multiple times and failed and each time was traumatic for ME – and I always felt the system was more concerned about HER feelings than my own. I was happy and healthy where I was. I don’t know what the age is, but I feel there should be an age where the child’s say is considered pretty significantly considered for their own permanency plan.