Foster Girl

Foster care is a cause that affects you whether you realize it or not. Your tax dollars fund the care of these throwaway children in your community, and you pay for their outcomes as adults who experience homelessness, incarceration and another generational cycle of welfare. The majority of outcomes are tragic for kinless, abused, or neglected teens that age out of the system and transition into the real world inadequately prepared.

Georgette Todd has written a book that chronicles her difficult childhood that included sexual abuse and drug use. It could not have been easy to dig deep into all of her experiences. Due to her effort to educate herself and make it into college, she has learned to write well. After earning BA and MA degrees, she worked at an adoption agency. She eventually ended up providing the youth perspective for the Alameda County Child Welfare Dept in a program called the Youth Advocacy Program. She was in charge of presenting the emancipated foster youth perspective and recommendations about department policies and practices.

Todd outlines the basic premises of the foster care system approach. The US foster care system is far from perfect. There needs to be a systematic way to save children from abusive and neglectful homes. The purpose of the system is to place an abused or neglected child with a safe, loving relative that lives in the child’s original community. If proximity is not available, then the foster child will live wherever the biological relative resides. Until then, children are placed into receiving homes, emergency foster homes, or whatever facility is available. If the social worker cannot find a biological relative to care for the child, then efforts to secure a more permanent placement take priority. Permanence can mean adoption or long-term foster care in a group home or house setting.

These are the key goals of foster care but these plans don’t always pan out. Bureaucracies don’t always work. Unfortunately, many foster children end up in understaffed group homes and inadequate facilities. They also go into crowded juvenile halls or wind up going out on the street hustling for survival.

I selected Todd’s book because I belong to a private Facebook group called Adoption: Facing Realities. The members are adoptees, former foster youth, expectant mothers, original parents who permanently lost custody of their child and adoptive (including those who hope to) parents. Some find the perspectives in this group difficult. The mission of this group is to help expectant mothers believe in their ability to raise their own children, and not to chose a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Though adoption figures prominently in my reason for joining this Facebook group, I’ve become more aware of foster care because of this group. And I realized I really had no real life background experience with which to understand foster care. Though Georgette Todd’s book is only one experience among thousands, I did gain the perspective on the system by reading her full childhood experience of it that I was seeking. The book may not be a good choice for victims of sexual abuse and former foster youth may not need to read it for the reasons I have. If a former foster youth wishes to compare experiences, then that may be a reason.

Some related links –

Georgette has a website – www.georgettetodd.com. She was a participant in a 30 minute documentary about the foster care experience which you can watch on youtube here – https://youtu.be/hS5JVSTf4LA.

I am not inclined to do Facebook birthday fundraisers but for this year only, I am doing one to support the work of Connect Our Kids, which I learned about at the end of Georgette Todd’s book. They are applying technology to help social workers located extended family for displaced children that may be able to care for them. Kinship is often, but not always, a better option for many children. Modern families are far flung and often lose track of one another. I set a modest fundraising goal of $200 and donated the first $25 myself. Here’s the link, if you would like to help the cause – https://www.facebook.com/donate/310497696609444/

Tricky Situations

I get it. Sometimes family isn’t really safe. What’s a foster parent to do, in order to keep lines of communication with original family open ? And do it safely ?

First of all it may take time to build trust and allow the original family members an opportunity to get to know you as a real and caring human being. When the original family can see clearly that you are caring for their children in a manner a loving parent would want their child cared for that can go a long way towards developing that trust. It is about having rapport with one another in common cause.

As a foster parent you may have to put aside your thoughts of worry and/or fears. Begin by just engaging with these kids’ parent(s) from a perspective of one human being to another human being. In other words, common courtesy and good manners. Don’t bring up conditions like – “you need to be safe for contact to begin or continue.” Wow, is that ever a sure way to get anyone’s heckles up. Of course, if something dangerous actually happens, then as the responsible party you will have to make the appropriate call, but don’t anticipate it.

No finger pointing, looking down your nose at the original parent or assuming the worst about them. Try to put yourself in their shoes. Think about how hurt you’d feel if some stranger put conditions on seeing your baby. If this parent does get violent, well of course, you are going have to end that visit. Logic would dictate that you don’t need to tell a parent in this situation. In child protective situations, they already know the issues. As the foster parent that will just need to be the move you make IF the time comes.

Don’t listen only to or form an opinion solely based on other people’s opinions. Depend first on your own personal knowledge of the original parent(s). Your direct experience. Give this parent who has already suffered the worst possible loss a chance to redeem themselves. People change. People learn from mistakes. It is terrible to be stuck into a permanent box over temporary behavior that was so very wrong – admittedly. This is not to be in denial of danger or to reject out of hand what you’ve been told but balance that with what you experience for yourself. Forewarned but NOT pre-judgmental.

Get away from the governmental system as much as possible. Try navigating the first family relationships organically and as naturally as possible. If possible, make contact with other extended first family members. Extended family – aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents – can be absolute gold in a foster child’s life.

Realize that child protective services and social workers may not be motivated to assist you. You may have to find the extended family yourself. You can try searching on Facebook and reaching out to them privately and directly. It would be a rare case that someone in the child’s genetic extended family didn’t want anything to do with these kids. There would likely be someone who would love to be in their life and has been prevented with obstacles put in the way.

I want to be clear that I have never been a foster child or adopted, I have never been a foster parent or an adoptive parent and I have never been a biological/genetic parent who had my rights terminated. I have been intensely educating my own self for 2-1/2 years (even since I began to learn the stories behind all of the adoptions in my own biological/genetic family). I work very hard to gain an accurate understanding by considering and listening to ALL of the related voices and perspectives. My desire is to be as balanced as possible, when I write blogs here.

What Is The Money For ?

It is the middle of May and May is Foster Care Awareness Month. I am in the middle of reading one Foster Care girl’s experience and it isn’t pretty, though I’m certain just as individual’s vary greatly so do experiences in the system.

Did you know that Foster Parents receive a stipend ? Imagine what that kind of money might do to keep a family intact. Of course, that isn’t always the issue. The girl in the book I am reading (I will review it here when I finish it) had no where else to go. The family dynamics weren’t good. The mother had died. Both the natural father and the step-father were in prison. The grandfather got trapped in a poor decision related to trying to fix an awkward drug related situation that made him inappropriate for the girls even though he was not charged with an actual crime. The aunts and uncles did not step forward.

So an issue developed with these unfortunate girls that the Foster Mom (the Foster Dad had died while they lived there) was NOT spending the stipend on the girls and there were cultural issues in this home. The girls were non-Spanish speaking whites. The Foster Mom was Hispanic and one foster child in the home before these girls was also and then one that came subsequently. They frequently spoke Spanish with one another leaving the two white girls feeling excluded. But what really hurt was the generous spending on the Hispanic girls while little or nothing was spent on the white girls.

One foster parent handbook states that the money is intended to maintain the placement and cover the costs of having the child in the home, including the cost of food, clothing, school supplies, a child’s personal incidentals, liability insurance with respect to the child, and reasonable travel to the child’s home for visitation.

That money is not intended for household bills, or to buy a new car or a new house because you need the extra room. Other possible appropriate uses for the stipend could be holidays, presents, spending money depending on the child’s age, or to put into a savings account for child. A sad fact in the book I am reading is that these girls did not receive presents at Christmas.

May Is Foster Care Awareness

I don’t often write about Foster Care because honestly I don’t really have experience with it. I do have some awareness and that is thanks to an adoption group I belong to that includes many former foster youth.

Everyone has the right to a safe and happy childhood. Sadly, not every child is blessed with that as their experience.

Every child should have –

Protection from physical, sexual and emotional abuse

Access to proper healthcare and education

A safe, healthy and stable childhood

This is not a dream but it is a goal. Society is woefully behind in making it a reality.

23,000 children age out of the foster care system every year. Of those, less than 60% will graduate from high school, 20% will become homeless and half will be unemployed when they reach the age of 21. The FBI determined that 60% of the children that have been recovered from sex trafficking in their raids came out of foster care.

I pledge to resist negative and hurtful myths about kids in foster care. I support change that recognizes that there are no throw away kids.

There are many books written on the experiences of youth that have aged out of the foster care system. I will read Foster Girl, A Memoir by Georgette Todd as one way that I can begin to inform myself about the true nature of this system. I will report back after I have read it.

Lifetime No Contact Order

I didn’t know this was a thing. It seems draconian and excessive. There seem to be some cases of children placed into state custody where the parent has not only had their parental rights permanently terminated but is denied permanent contact forever with their own children. It may relate to addiction. But lifetime ? This just seems wrong and it may not actually be “lifetime”.

I read that – the court order essentially is in place until the kids turn 18. It is thought that the kid’s can choose whether to extend it or let it lapse at that point.

In the case I read about, which is typical of many poor people who encounter the legal system, the mother was coerced through fear tactics to sign this as part of her plea bargain. I agree with the person who shared this story that such a permanent lifetime no contact order would do more harm than good for the kids and their mom over the long run.

People do change. Lord, how I know that up close and personal. I’ve done some pretty stupid things in my lifetime, even put my sweet baby girl at risk in my naivety. Thankfully, she survived my immaturity.

It may be that how this particular situation resolves will depend on the relationship that the foster parent has with the genetic/biological parent. Hopefully in this case, both the foster parent and the mother can let the caseworker know they object to this stipulation that was obtained under duress. It may be that getting all of the parties to request the court make a change will prove successful in allowing the potential for contacts within this family. If the judge is not willing, there is always hope in an appeal.

Part of our modern reality is that there are parents now who have gotten into addiction – often it begins with a valid need for pain relief – or it did, until society woke up to the fact that the pharmaceutical industry had a profit motive in getting people addicted to begin with. End of societal inequity and/or injustice rant for today.

When Adoption Fails

There is a dark and dirty little secret in adoptionland that goes by the name of “rehoming”. It’s usually the oldest in a sibling group adopted from foster care the adoptive parents want to get rid of. Clearly, adopting an entire sibling group just to obtain a baby/toddler is common. Rehoming is also sadly too common. It’s always the littlest ones the adoptive parents want to keep.

One adoptive parent wrote – “If you heard screams echoing out of the mountains on September 9, it was me. Along with most other parents of adopted children, I was horrified with the news about ‘rehoming.’ Once again, members of a group we belong to were becoming infamous. Once again, we were as shocked as those who don’t belong to our group. As always, we knew we would be answering questions about why people in our group do what they do.”

“As adoptive parents, aren’t we supposed to be the vanguard for saving children? Aren’t we supposed to be the forefront of child protection? Those misconceptions are part of the problem.”

A plan to adopt begins with selfish reasons, and then evolves. The challenges that face adoptive parents are often different from those that plague biological family builders. The author of that piece goes on to say, “I know because I have built my family both ways. Even though challenges are different, they are tough, regardless. Is it easy for biological parents of children who are born with severe autism? Of course not! Do they abandon their child? Here’s the point: A few of them do. Most of these parents pull themselves up by their bootstraps and go to work on being the best parents and advocates they can be for their challenged child. Others will walk away. Some of the children of these parents will spend their childhood and youth on a carousel in and out of different foster homes.”

This is what can happen when adoptive parents don’t put their responsibilities to a child before their own personal desires for a beautiful harmonious family life.

Some adoptive parents of children with very difficult circumstances say that people who haven’t adopted don’t “understand” how difficult it can be, and they should not point fingers unless they have “been there.” The author of the op-ed shares, “My adopted daughter loves us and we love her, even though we travel a rough and rocky road. I think there is something very important that is often overlooked. When all we can do isn’t enough, we still need to do everything we can do.”

Attachment problems. When children are taken away from caregivers after attaching, it causes severe trauma. The more times it happens, the worse it gets. And just like other forms of trauma, each individual processes and handles it differently.

In foster to adopt, the prospective adoptive parents can send a kid back to the State’s care if the situation does not seem to be working out. Another aspect with foster to adopt is that the State can put a stop to the adoption intention at any time if it judges the situation will not serve the interests of the child.

Rehoming is a monstrous act. When our laws allow a parent to turn over their child to a stranger with less paperwork and legal work than it takes to dispose of a car that doesn’t have a title, then something is broken and it needs to be fixed. No parent should be able to dump their children willy-nilly.

Is COVID19 A Real Excuse ?

If you are worried about continuing visits for your foster children with their original families, what can you do ?

For one – put masks on everyone, wash hands and faces, visit anyway.

If your agency can keep the visiting areas cleaned and no one is showing any symptoms – there should be no reason why such visits should be cancelled.

Of course, if anyone in the family is high risk, then it is only prudent to find another way to visit until everything blows over. Many families are staying in touch using easy to obtain technologies – zoom, skype or facetime.

Some visits have taken place in libraries but they may close. Division offices may not be able to support the volume of visits that would have to move there, if the library doesn’t remain open. Home visits could prove to be a logistical nightmare with all the rules and policies that are in place. Even public places like a fast food locations with play area may not be wise in light of the pandemic because their ability to keep areas clean enough may be lacking. There are even some public parks now closed to the public.

People who work in the medical field do suggest postponing in person visits until the potential impact is mitigated. Social isolation is key to limit the spread (especially for those persons who are at high risk for complications). The reality is a person can be asymptomatic and still be a carrier.

So again, the best suggestion for staying in touch at this time is video visits. No one should be going in and out of other people’s homes or apartments. You may not have symptoms but could still be contagious. The best way to protect the vulnerable in all of our communities is to self isolate as much as possible. We all have to do things – like shop for necessary items and food. In our family and many I know of – only one person is going to risk such exposure with the understanding they may become infected. This is the reality we are currently living through.

I would not want to see foster parents during this time use COVID19 as an excuse “in the best interest of the child” to limit reunification possibilities with the children’s original parents.

From Foster To Adopt

So you are a foster parent but you really hope to adopt ? You say you support family reunification but you are actually hoping it doesn’t happen for your own charges ?

You can not have the main goal be reunification AND have the main goal be adoption.
You cannot foster and be willing to adopt while yet wanting/hoping/planning to adopt/grow your family that way.

I have read that in Florida they have 2 different tracks. You choose to foster with a goal of reunification. Or if you want to adopt, you can still be licensed to foster. The only children placed with you would be those whose parent’s had their rights permanently terminated by the courts. And I also read that is the same process in Oregon.

One described their experience thus – The first time I really thought they were two separate main priorities (reunify, if at all possible for those kids) but in general, I realize that I was personally seeking adoption in my life eventually. It was emotionally brutal for me and that isn’t fair to the kids. Those two goals inevitably conflict with each other and I really struggled with the cognitive and emotional dissonance. I think you should only do that if you’re willing to become the permanent home for kids in your care, but only if all else fails.

It is honestly a very weird paradigm – you want the kids to go home but also want to be the family who adopts them, if they need that.

The key to balancing the two contrasting goals is awareness. A foster parent needs the awareness that they may be facing grief and mourning in the future. There is also the awareness that if they don’t adopt, someone else may. Most importantly, how little it will feel good either way.

Historic Reforms Keeping Children With Family

Only today thanks to a piece in the most recent Time Magazine, I discovered that one of the reforms I often advocate here became law in October 2018. The bipartisan legislation allows states to use federal funding to help struggling parents before resorting to putting children in foster care. Congress recognized that too many children are unnecessarily separated from parents who could provide safe and loving care if given access to needed mental health services, substance abuse treatment or improved parenting skills.

“If we can get more children being raised in a family-like setting, either with their parents or extended family, it bodes well for what happens in this country in the long run.”
~ William C Bell, Casey Family Programs

Nearly half a million children are currently in foster care. After years of decline in numbers of children in foster care, the number has risen steadily since 2012, with anecdotal evidence and expert opinion linking this increase to the parallel rise in opioid addiction and overdoses. Family First provides struggling and overburdened child welfare agencies with the tools needed to help children and families in crisis, including families struggling with the opioid epidemic.

Young people involved in the child welfare system do best in families, in a safe and stable environment that supports their long-term well-being, according to research. The passage of Family First took a large step toward this vision by restructuring how the federal government spends money on child welfare to ensure that more children in foster care are placed with families. The law also provides more support for critical services, such as mental health and substance abuse treatment, in-home training and family therapy that can help prevent the need for foster care in the first place.

The law gives states and tribes the ability to target their existing federal resources into an array of prevention and early intervention services to keep children safe, strengthen families and reduce the need for foster care whenever it is safe to do so. It also provides federal funds for evidence-based Kinship Navigator programs that link relative caregivers to a broad range of services and supports to help children remain safely with them, and requiring states to document how their foster care licensing standards accommodate relative caregivers.

There will no longer be a time limit on reunification services for a child in foster care preparing to return home, and a child returning home will now have access to 15-months of family reunification services beginning on the date the child returns home. It’s a start.

How Confusing And Upsetting

In a private group I belong to, this story was shared –

“I’m at a loss. We have a Foster Son age 2 and a Foster Son age 5. The 5 year old will not listen at all. We ask him to do something and he acts out or does the opposite. We have had them for a week and I have cried every night I am so stressed. I have thought of everything. I reward him for being good and it doesn’t help. I need help please.”

~ desperate Foster Parent

One of the responses was this – Seriously? You’ve had them a week and you’re upset that they are having a hard time adjusting? If you don’t have the decency to understand that these kids go through absolute hell when they are removed and placed into your home you shouldn’t be allowed to foster. Who certifies these people/trains them? Who ever it is needs to be fired.

Did you know that there are hundreds of thousands of children in the US foster care system? Some recent data indicates that 690,548 children spent time in the foster care system during 2017. Many children in the foster system demonstrate post-traumatic stress like symptoms. This affects their development, coping skills, emotional regulation, relationships and attachments.

When the child has had some time to process the situation, learning meditation, relaxation and breathing techniques may be a method of learning to calm their own self, under their own control. A lack of control over their circumstances is one aspect of their acting out behavior.

Learning to replace negative thoughts with more positive ones can help the child develop a more healthy sense of self. These children need a safe play area and a nurturing environment. Over time, the children will need to learn to recognize triggers in order to gain control over their emotional states. Foster parents need discernment to ignore minor behaviors. By improving this parent-child relationship, the child may feel more supported in their everyday life.

Nothing a foster parent can do beyond patience, love, acceptance and an attempt to understand from the child’s perspective will work miracles overnight. The trauma suffered will be deep and unfortunately, to some degree, last a lifetime.