Damn-It Missouri

Today’s story (and as usual – not mine) –

I had court today and I was told by the judge that she can’t safely reunify me with my four children because I allegedly have a history of having multiple boyfriends/toxic relationships. I’ve been in a relationship with two men in 5 years. She said the case has been opened for 14 months and time is running out. My lawyer told me after court I can pick adoption or guardianship for two of my children (with a new foster family who are strangers with either choice). There is no guarantee they will be together. My oldest son will go to his dad’s house. My baby is 4 months old and I can still work towards reunification, since I’m not at my year mark yet.

I got granted weekend overnights on May 2nd and 3 hours later they showed up, after a guy I was briefly seeing reported it. They removed my newborn for allegedly allowing a man to live with me and my newborn for 2 months. I didn’t have anyone living with me, other then my newborn. I had 4 people verify that – my parents, my baby sitter, and my service provider. The court moved me back to supervised visits.

I’m desperately trying to get my kids out of foster care. I was adopted as a child and it was extremely hard. I can’t fathom it for my children. I don’t know what to do. I’m not on drugs, never have been. I’ve been a homeowner for 4 years. I’ve worked in healthcare for 4 years. I own my own car. My kids have everything they need. I just don’t understand what’s going on with this case.

When asked, she confirmed she is in Christain County, Missouri, 25 min south of Springfield. Her attorney is paid by the state and goes along with whatever the Juvenile Officer says. One former Missouri caseworker suggested she “contact the Office of Child Advocate about how your case is being managed, specifically mentioning the change in visitation.” However, she had already done that and her request for a review was denied. The Children’s Division made her wait 39 days before she could see her newborn and 44 days before she could see her other 3 kids, as well as the court moving her back to supervised visits.

The caseworker noted – if they are giving you the option to consent to guardianship that typically means they don’t have a solid case for Termination of Parental Rights (TPR). So even though you are almost at the 15 month mark, they probably won’t formally change the plan quite yet. There aren’t any long-term consequences in not consenting to guardianship, like there are with TPR when it comes to their ability to remove any future children you might have. However, after 6 months of guardianship the placement providers can file for adoption, so keep that in mind. Guardianship is also reversible, meaning you can petition the court to have it dissolved at any point, after it is granted. I would hope that your caseworker would explain all of this to you, but just wanted you to know, in case they don’t.

LINK>Current Missouri Foster Care Statistics

From the LINK>Missouri Independent – More than half the frontline staff working in the Children’s Division at the start of the last fiscal year left by the end of the year. Children’s Division Director Darrell Missey said the system has long trended toward the “reactive” over “proactive,” and is “driven by our fear of what might happen later, [which] results in a lot of kids in foster care.”

Other general (not specifically Missouri related) details – Child welfare professionals remove children from their parents more than 250,000 times per year. Across the country, removal decisions are based on inconsistent standards and practice — often applied disproportionately — and result in trauma for children and families. While separating children from their parents should be an intervention of last resort in child welfare practice, there is little guidance about how to prevent removal, mitigate trauma, and connect families to more appropriate supports when needed.

The current process for deciding when to remove a child is flawed and inconsistent, which causes harm and prevents families from getting the support they actually need. Revisiting the standards for removal is critical. Only public officials with training in both the legal standards for removal and how to mitigate trauma should remove children, and only when all other interventions have been exhausted.

Some Lives Are Difficult

Not the Girl in this story

Today’s story comes out of a foster parent help and support group. It concerns a 4 yr old girl who was placed with them when she was only 2 years old. Her biological mom passed away 3 mos after she had been placed with a foster family. Her biological dad has been in prison the entire time. She calls her foster parents mom and dad and has no recollection of her original parents.

She is now going to be transitioned to an adoptive home. The foster parents have tried to explain to her that they are not her parents and that she’s going to have new parents. To their credit, they are concerned about the trauma this may cause her.

They don’t want her to feel abandoned but their agency is not giving them any guidance about how to handle this situation. The agency is giving the foster parents 2 months to prepare the little girl and she will have a lot of visits with her new parents during that time period.

One adoptee stated – You should adopt her if she is fully integrated into your family and calling you Mom and Dad. You have no other option. If you don’t want to adopt her, then how has this gone on for 2 years?

Another blamed the agency – The agency failed the child too. They never should have let this go on, and should have been facilitating at least phone calls with dad in jail. To which the original commenter (who is not the foster parent in question) replied – I am not downplaying how the agency has messed up. I just do not understand how you can have a child living in your home and not advocate and be honest with them. It sickens me.

Then came a reality check from someone who experienced foster care – that depends what he’s in prison for. If he’s been in prison the entire time, then his parental rights were terminated before the child had conscious and accessible memories. If he’s serving time for any restricted offenses, then the state does not allow any contact with that incarcerated relative. My biological dad was incarcerated and not allowed to have contact with me because one of his charges was child endangerment and the others were drug related offenses within school zones. Therefore, there was no mandate or legal channel for visiting or communication with him, while I was in active foster care, even as a teen, and especially not with my foster parent facilitating it.

You Won’t Be Forgotten

Today’s story (not my own) – So my kids were put in foster care. April 29th, my daughter had surgery. Thankfully, we were able to get custody of my son back, only a couple weeks before that. He was doing fine – until he saw the foster parents. The foster mom referred to her husband as his daddy but corrected herself when she realized my mom was listening. We were all there standing waiting in my daughter’s room. We are on guard to certain nothing untrue is said. So are they exceeding legitimate boundaries, when they are refer to themselves as my kid’s mommy and daddy ? They were only fostering for reunification and not adoption. Or am I just being too sensitive about it all ? My son used to say Dada all the time. Since we’ve gotten him back, he hasn’t said it once. I spoke to his developmental therapist about it and she said that they shouldn’t be doing it and that it’s confusing him. I agree. Now, I’m scared for my daughter… I had her with me until she was 4 months old. She will be 1 in July…I need some help to keep all of this in perspective, because as her mother, I am terrified she won’t remember me.

One adoptee offered this reassurance – I met my mom at 40 years old and every cell of my being remembered her. Your daughter will not forget you mama.

A Harmful, False Narrative

Just because someone is a child sexual abuse (CSA) victim and is in foster care DOES NOT equal or mean the child or person will go on to abuse others. Please stop this very harmful false narrative. If you don’t want teens or older kids, say that head-on. It’s offensive to even suggest a foster child will abuse biological kids or other kids just because of their foster care label. Calling foster kids abusers and creating a stigma around CSA is disrespectful. People don’t do this for anyone else; don’t do this for foster youth.

Many foster kids are abused in foster care, and it’s common. However, this does not mean people should create lies and stories about innocent victims. The research and studies show that many foster youth harm themselves and not others.

Also, many abusers weren’t abused. Many foster and adoptive parents abuse kids who aren’t abused. Abuse is about power and control. You can abuse without being abused.

I find it crazy that people have empathy for foster and adoptive parents and non-foster youth, but foster youth don’t get any empathy at all. If you experienced abuse, would you want others to label you as an abuser and reject you? Of course not! Let’s stop doing this to older foster youth.

Many celebrities are CSA victims but I don’t see anyone saying mean things about them or calling them abusers who will go on to abuse. You have empathy for them and see them as victims.

Bashing and creating false narratives about abuse, really fu@# up a person’s sense of self and self-esteem. This is why many foster kids have issues now. No, you won’t know, but be prepared. The numbers don’t lie. Odds are YOU WILL get a child who’s a victim. It doesn’t matter what age. It is what you will do and how you treat the child moving forward that matters.

Mother’s Day for Foster Moms

Definitely open to a wide interpretation, if you know anything about foster care.

Certainly, the Mother’s Day recognition coming this Sunday is on a lot of people’s minds. I was reminded of this today, as I read (not my own experience) –

My foster kids have been with me for three years. We are planning to adopt them but they don’t call me mom at all and never brought me a gift for Mother’s day. They call their birth mom their mom and keep making her gifts for Mother’s Day to give her and they’ve haven’t seen her for two years. I would have thought by now the kids would get the message she doesn’t care about them. I’m hurt because the one thing I would like, is be called mom, and I want to feel appreciated. I do not have any biological kids and my heart longed to be a mother after suffering infertility. It hurts me to hear the kids call their birth mom their mommy but me they call by my first name. I do everything a real mommy does but I don’t get the title as mommy or the recognition. I fear I will wake up on mothers day again empty handed and heartbroken. I’ve been told it is better to get children as young as possible. The older they are, the harder it is to break the attachment. I feel terrible that I’m jealous but it hurts that I’m taking care of these kids and they don’t even see me as a mom.

Then honesty in a reply, the more posts I see from other foster parents, the more I’m convinced many of us shouldn’t be foster parents and are unprepared to deal with trauma. The kids we foster have a mom already. We’re not their mom. We will never replace their mom. Support the kids getting their mom a gift for Mother’s Day and support them not calling you mommy. It’s about the kids – not us. In fact, foster parents should never encourage foster kids or expect them to call them mom and dad.

Legal Standing

Today’s story (not my own) – I’m completely distraught because my 2.5 year old nephew is being adopted by his foster parent. She has legal standing over us cause she’s had him over a year. I didn’t even know there was such a thing as foster parent standing. Regrettably we weren’t in a position to be able to take him in at the time he entered care (at age 1) and I will never forgive myself for that. I won’t go into details but I was going through my own struggles at the time and it wouldn’t have been fair for anyone, including my nephew and 4 young kids. But I torture myself day and night about it. Especially now….

My sister, my nephew’s mom, was murdered the day before Thanksgiving. She was in rehab for months last year. Following her plan and trying so hard. We truly thought she was getting him back and that we wouldn’t need to intervene. If only we knew then what we know now, everything would be different. Caseworkers, GAL, supervisors, lawyers were all no help. “Standing” and “bond” was all they kept saying. Lawyers wouldn’t even take the case; they advised me not to try to get custody because the foster parents would win and then our relationship would be damaged. Was I in the wrong here for trying to do this? Isn’t being with family what would be best for him long term? I understand he will have trauma either way unfortunately. But we did say if he came to us, the foster parents could still see him a lot too!! Hoping that would help him with the transition. With us, he could see his siblings, father, grandparents, etc more. He would have genetic mirroring. He would know all of his family history. We’d be able to tell him stories about his mom. How does a 1 year relationship with a foster parent trump a lifetime with biological family?!

The foster parent claimed she was gonna be “so open” and said “you’re not losing him.” All lies. She’s already stopped all communication, blocked me on Facebook, and refuses to allow me (and his grandfather) visits. How could someone treat a grieving family this way? I was never anything but kind to her! We are his safe, healthy, loving family. I can’t tell you how heartbroken I am. He is her first foster child and I should’ve seen this coming. When she found out we wanted to get custody, she said in a text to my mom, “I’m aware of the emails/calls/efforts but after nearly 18 months with me, I’ve been assured that it’s futile. Frankly it is very disappointing because I have been open about everyone staying in his life.” SHE’S disappointed? All our family feels is emptiness.

My mom has my nephew’s sister (since she was a toddler, now a young teen) who is devastated about this adoption as well. Everyday is a nightmare and everything feels hopeless. I already lost my sister and now I’m losing my nephew. It hurts so much some days that I don’t think I can endure it.

One adoptive parent suggested – File a motion to intervene with the county courts. Show up to all hearings and fight! It is required by law to rule out biological family first and most of the time that wins out over the child’s temporary bond with their foster parents.

One who was fostered from birth and later adopted notes -Self-centered people hang on very tight when they have a child that they assume will be “theirs” someday. The system is not about the child’s welfare. Sometimes it is about who has more money. That is the gold standard. In the larger scheme and meanings of life, money matters more than our genuine family members.

Bridges

A woman writes – fostering is something I’ve thought about a lot lately. Fostering to help with reunification and supporting families and siblings, not fostering to adopt. If I was to foster, I’d have one family/child at a time. So either siblings or an only child. I’m experienced with mental health and trauma, as well as being fostered myself. I’d also love to foster older kids or teenagers, either long term or short term, however I can help the young person. I just want to be a safe space that I never had.

A foster parent suggests the LINK>Bridges program in Ohio as an example.

Here’s how Ohio works: It starts at emancipation and ends at age 21. An adult can provide “supportive in-home” care. You aren’t the parent or the guardian because the young person is legally an adult and fully autonomous. They have a liaison with the program who works their plan with them – budgeting, education, jobs, etc. The liaison part is basic, so with a good relationship in place, you can really help a young adult prepare to be fully independent! It’s hard to adult ! In Ohio, you get a stipend for room and board, so you’ll provide meals and snacks, a private room and all utilities. It’s like a step toward an apartment. I think the program has great potential but it’s underutilized and maybe not quite enough support for the former foster care youth. But with the added help of the in-home support person, it can be life changing for a young person !

Don’t Be Negative

A question was asked today in my all things adoption and foster care group – Should foster caregivers be allowed to attend court hearings and/or speak to the judge ? What are your thoughts and why ?

I appreciated this response from a foster and adoptive parent – I believe there is a rule to allow foster parents or relatives speak at hearings. Usually the judge asks if we want to say anything after they are off the record. I only share 1 minute of positive things about the child. Everyone in the room already knows of any hard stuff, so that’s not my place. It’s almost more awkward to decline to speak than to share some positivity. There are times I’ve spoke up to throw the Dept of Human Services (DHS) under the bus though. When I’m fighting with a case worker to do their job, I will tell the judge “I’ve been advocating for ….. and the team is having a hard time following through”. The judge will make it an order and DHS has to move forward, so that’s helpful. There’s also been a few times I’ve asked for a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) to really make DHS mad. When the worker doesn’t like the parent and won’t budge on expanding visits, things like that.

A foster parent should never ever speak negatively of a parent in court. When they do, the judge dismisses all their comments and keeps a note that they are a pain in the $ss. And sometimes speaking only positive and seeing a parent at court and being kind helps build a bridge to great relationships. A lot of times we don’t see parents much, so any positive, supportive and kind interactions can really help. Which makes reunifying much easier.

I’m also a mentor (so I try to drill this in new foster parent heads) and work on the legal side to help parents get reunification faster, so I do spend a ton of time in court. A word of advice from experience – If you’re going to just speak mean or negative, don’t go!

Something I Can Do

Today, I read a question in my all things adoption (which includes foster care) – I have a quick question regarding fostering. From time to time, local advocacy groups will try to find families to temporarily foster Muslim children. There’s not a ton of Muslims in our state, and most foster agencies/related organizations are Christian run and not interested in respecting a child’s religious or cultural background. Somewhere somehow, a Muslim volunteer gets involved and desperately tries to find a family to take the child in. Is it, in this situation, ethnical or morally okay for me to take the child in temporarily? I am not super familiar with the foster system, but I have the resources to care for another child temporarily and would do so only with reunification in mind. I just don’t want to cause harm.

One response led me to the organization who’s logo I am using as an image today – Michigan has a large Muslim population and we have a support organization that walks favors the process of being a foster parent AND provides reunification supports for the parents. If you can provide temporary care, and the children have been removed from their parents’ care, please offer a home that is culturally aware.

One adoptee noted – So often Muslim children are thrown into Christian homes and their beliefs aren’t respected out of ignorance or worse. The reality is foster parents are needed, that’s not going to change in the near future. Remember, the goal is foster care is reunification. You should be working with mom and dad, not against them.

Another adoptee notes – If your can fully support reunification in an informed way, you’d be an ideal placement for a Muslim child who needs to remain in their community or culture of origin. The Muslim view on adoption would be respected by you in a way it wouldn’t be by most foster parents, should the case plan change from reunification. You’d still be voluntarily interacting with a corrupt system so it wouldn’t be 100% ethical, but any children, especially Muslim children, would likely have a far better outcome being placed with you vs the other foster parents in your area.

One social worker wrote – it is ok to take the child in if you are respectful of food choices (such as no pork) and are willing to provide access to their religious preferences such as taking them to a mosque.

So I searched and found the LINK>Muslim Foster Care Association. Their impact statement reads – we strive to enable Muslim children in the foster care system to thrive, flourish and be their best as human beings, Muslims, and contributing members of society. Every year we serve over 200 Muslim children in the foster care system throughout Michigan and with the help of our generous donors, raise thousands of dollars to fund our programs. Our goal is to create innovative solutions to the challenges faced by Muslim youth in various stages of their transition.

So for anyone who wants to do something more than protest the situation in Gaza, I am happy to lend awareness to this organization. I realize that supporting this organization does NOT impact what is happening in the Middle East. This is just some people trying to make a positive difference here in the US.

More Adoptable

There are reasons that kids under 5 rarely return home from foster care …. because they are more adoptable.

Actually, there were 2 reasons – who takes care of kids when parents can not parent ? One – plenty of parents who CAN parent get their children taken either because they are poor or because of bias on behalf of CFS/CPS/CWS, whatever it is called in your state. Two – plenty of parents are never given a chance to parent because their child gets taken at birth by coercion.

Foster care is not as necessary as we make it, and there are reasons that kids under 5 rarely return home…. because they are more adoptable. When those in a position of authority, or those who are mandated reporters are given discretion in cases involving child welfare, there can often be disparities in decisions regarding the removal of children from homes or the substantiation of child abuse claims. These disparities stem from a combination of factors, including the lack of clear guidelines, the subjective nature of assessing risk, and the influence of biases that may unintentionally come into play.

One example of vague guidelines is California, where there is an absence of a universally defined legal age at which children can be left home alone. This lack of a specific age leaves room for interpretation and discretion by authorities. While some states have guidelines, they often include language such as “maturity and safety of the situation” as determining factors.

Vague language can lead to inconsistent decisions as different individuals may interpret maturity and safety differently. Additionally, the discretionary power given to those with authority to remove a child means that they must make quick, on-the-spot assessments of risk and safety. This can be influenced by various factors, including personal biases, cultural norms, and past experiences. Research has shown that biases—whether based on race, socio-economic status, or other factors—can unintentionally impact decision-making, leading to disparities in how cases are handled.

Someone may be more likely to view a situation as unsafe or reportable if it involves a family from a marginalized community, even if the circumstances are similar to those of families from more privileged backgrounds. This bias can result in disparities in how child welfare cases are investigated, substantiated, or acted upon. Minority children at least 12 months old with accidental injuries are 3 times more likely than their white counterparts to be reported for suspected abuse. Black and low-income infants are more likely to be tested at birth for drug exposure than are infants from white or more affluent families, even though rates of prenatal substance use among racial and economic groups are similar.

If you have access to Medium, you may wish to check out LINK>Empowered By Megan.