Saving The Little Native Kid

This is the truth – “red and yellow, black and white – all are precious”. A song we sang when I was a child in Sunday School. It is disturbing though to know such things are used against any child. Today’s story –

Adoptive parents telling an adopted child that they “saved me from growing up in a reservation,” her adoptive parents exact words. Problem was – this child turns out not having been Native American at all. Her natural grandmother claimed she was Native American and Mormon, something she believed until she was 30 years old because of a) trauma b) wanting to believe?? She says, “I thought I was this like special little native American princess because my a parents made it seem this way … also my name means princess, so it’s always been something they kinda said was related to my “native American history” (and after my adoptive mom’s gran) …”

So yeah, she studied with vigor Native American art, history, especially Cherokee traditions… But now she is embarrassed – “How fucking stupid I must have looked.. were my adoptive parents laughing at me behind my back? Were other people laughing at me behind my back? They *must* have been…”

She goes on to add – “Meanwhile, I have a gran I’ve never met who desperately wanted to keep me, enough to lie to multiple government agencies about it, but I’ve never ever met her or seen a photo or even know her name.” She ends on this note – Trauma really boils up when you least expect it.

One commenter said – “I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. And whether it is or isn’t your culture, I’m sorry they even degraded it with their comment about the reservation.”

Another adoptee offers this – “I was also raised being told I was Native, although they had no way of possibly knowing. I spoke to a few friends who are Native American about it once, and they commented that they have seen that happen often. Get a child and connect it to something negative (not my view) and you can make a better case for saving the “poor little Indian kid”. It’s so disturbing… and disappointing to learn they could lie so easily. I’ll say this though, nothing I learned, studied or love about Native culture has been a waste. My passion as an adult now lies with endangered Native languages. Take what your parents used against you, and make it into something beautiful.”

Another adoptee shared some history behind this practice – if you feel like doing some research, look into the LINK>Dawes Rolls and “Five Dollar Indians” (ie some white people bribed government officials to obtain land allotments, but this was not as widespread as some would believe). A LOT of white people claimed Native ancestry for the government benefits and paid to have the records falsified. I think there’s probably thousands of families who truly think that they’re part Native, but it’s actually based on a century old land-grab lie. I was also told that I was a large percentage Native and it was a big shock when my 23 and Me came back at 1%.

An adoptee who is also a lawyer suggested – I’m betting your biological grandmother made the Native American claim in order to invoke the Indian Child Welfare Act (ICWA). That act puts restrictions on adoption of children who have Native heritage. It’s a way to block or slow an adoption, while it’s being worked out. It would explain the “hoops” your adoptive parents had to jump through.

How did you find out it’s wrong? If it’s from commercial DNA testing, it might not have shown up because DNA testing is still quirky. Meaning — both could be true. You might have some Native heritage but it might be attenuated enough not to show up. She answered – “my birth father said it’s absolutely not true.” To which the lawyer suggested – I’m betting your biological grandmother said it as a last ditch effort to fight the adoption. That would make everyone jump through ICWA hoops and give her time. If it helps — I bet she said it meaning well, trying to fight. And your adoptive parents believed it. There’s no right answer on that one. Not believing her would be awful. Believing they lied makes you feel betrayed. I’m so sorry.

One adoptive parent commented – when we adopted one of our children, we were told that the father was blond, blue eyed, light skinned English heritage and the mother was 1/2 Czech, 1/4 English and 1/4 Spanish (from Spain). The report was very detailed and specific. The agency said in a very snotty way that “all the rich Mexicans say they are only Spanish but the baby may darken up a bit”. Fortunately we were open to an interracial adoption because our child looks like many Mexican Americans—pin straight jet black hair, black eyes, olive skin. DNA testing done when this child was already an adult showed that in fact the father must have been mixed Latino or just Native American. The heritage is 1/4 central European and the rest is the mix of a little Spanish/Italian and a lot Native American and that is fairly typical of Mexican American immigrants. My point is that 1) Biological mothers sometimes misidentify the father—maybe to involve someone more compliant in signing paperwork, maybe for other reasons 2) birth parents themselves don’t know their heritage or have shame about their heritage and believe myths about where they came from 3) agencies are selling a product and have every incentive to romanticize the story (Cherokee princess) or make the product more appealing in other ways (75% European vs 35% European). It is one of the tragedies of adoption that not only is the specific connection to the adoptee’s biological family lost but also the connection to cultural heritage. I’m really sorry that you were led astray. It sounds like your adoptive parents were complicit in perpetuating your heritage as “exotic.”

And this sad story – My birth mother told everyone my birth father was this Hispanic man. I think I knew it couldn’t be true because I am very obviously white, but wanted to believe because I wanted to trust her (and I look so much like her, so that was my reasoning for almost 20 years). My husband bought me a DNA test a few years back and turns out that was NOT my father – my father was actually her step brother (my grandparents got together when their kids were teens). She was well aware of who my father was. I can’t even describe the level of hurt I walked through during that season. It really sucks being lied to, especially after growing up and never knowing my heritage really. Not to mention feeling like a big dirty secret and so incredibly ridiculous for believing such a big lie.

Making Comfortable

Life is complicated for me at the moment and stuff keeping taking all my time and I can’t get what I want to do done at the time I would like to. This is becoming more common these days thanks to inexpensive DNA testing. Explaining today’s effort –

I was recently contacted by a woman who believed my grandmother was her mother and she was adopted at birth. My grandmother denied being this woman’s mother, but due to the DNA results she had showing a relationship to my grandmother’s cousin (my grandmother didn’t know her father or cousins and states she wants nothing to do with them) I opted to take a test, as did my father. My results came in this morning, my father’s are pending for a few more weeks.

The results showed that she IS my Half Aunt, as we expected. I haven’t spoken to my grandmother yet nor has my father told my other aunt that they have an older sister, as he wants to wait until his test results are in. In the mean time, I have been building my own relationship with this cousin I never thought I would meet.

That all being said- my grandmother is most likely going to continue to deny that this is her daughter. My father and I do want to continue to pursue a relationship with my aunt but she has mentioned that she doesn’t want to make any of us uncomfortable or “Rock the boat”. I notified her the moment I had my results but I don’t want her to feel like I’m pressuring her to have a relationship, going too fast or coming on too strongly but I want to make sure I effectively communicate my support and wish to have her in my life.

My question is: Assuming my grandmother continues to insist on denying her existence, what is the best thing I can do to help her feel more welcome with the rest of us?

We’re not worried about my other aunt accepting her nor my cousins, overall everyone would be pretty positive about it, aside from Grandma. I don’t want her to feel as if she needs to leave us alone for the sake of ‘keeping the peace’ (not that there has been any, my father and I had pretty much cut my grandmother out of our lives years ago due to other unrelated events) and I want to help make her as comfortable with us as possible and build that relationship with all the time we lost until now. I am allowing her to take the lead but want to make sure I don’t overstep or make her feel unwanted or left out in ANY way. If anyone has suggestions or an idea of the role I can play in reunion I would deeply appreciate it as we learn about our family and help her step back into our family.

One suggestion that probably won’t fly, although logical, was this – Have you offered your grandma the idea of submitting her DNA? It’s not for everyone but if she truly isn’t the mother, she may want to clear it up. This woman deserves to know where she comes from and if it’s your grandma, it’s not her secret to keep.

But maybe this – about making your Aunt feel truly welcomed — make sure to include her *casually.* Don’t only contact her about big stuff, holidays, DNA news, etc. Send her a pic of your coffee or a meme and let her know you’re thinking about her and hope she’s having a good day. Include her in group chat texts with other family members. Let her in on the family jokes. Reach out a lot, and give grace if she doesn’t always respond. Ask her questions about her hobbies, interests, life – and then follow up (“you mentioned the other day you’ve always wanted to learn to crochet – I found a free crochet book at the library and thought of you instantly. Can I send it to you?”). In a non-related context, I’ve been the recipient of (what felt like) obligated communication and it can really feel hurtful.

A Need To Know

Today, I read this from an adoptive mother – my adoptive daughter wants to research her background with a DNA test. She wants to know her origins and research whatever comes up. We homeschool and she wants to do this as part of her schooling. She just turned 14, so the questions I have are:

(1) Which DNA company is best ?

(2) How do we handle the info she gets ? No one knows who her natural father is, including her natural mother.

I don’t know if it would name a dad. How would we handle that, since her natural mother doesn’t even know who he is ? The father certainly has no clue he created a child.

The adoption is closed. She doesn’t have contact with her natural mother but I do. Honestly, I’d let there be contact but my husband is against it.

This is something I’ve had experience with. Both of my parents were adoptees. Neither really knew anything about their origins. My mom tried to find out with Ancestry but other than some ethnicity information, it didn’t get her where I think her heart wanted to go. I didn’t even know that she had done this, until I did Ancestry simply because I never knew my ancestry. I used to joke I was an albino African because no one, including myself, could say otherwise. I thought my dad was at least half Hispanic. My mom did have a bit of Mali, probably because her ancestral line included slave owners. My dad was half Danish. Who knew their complexion could be so dark ?

I did make progress with both Ancestry and 23 and Me. It helped that I had some names to go by. I rarely pay much attention to either these days. 3rd and 4th cousins don’t mean much. Ancestry was helpful in putting together my ancestor’s family trees and looking at human migrations as well as employment history where noted. 23 and Me brought me into contact with my paternal grandmother’s family. My dad’s father doesn’t seem to have ever known about his son. There is still extensive family in Denmark. My DNA has helped me prove my legitimacy as a family member.

Today, I read this – “Your DNA matches are probably your relatives. But a DNA test only suggests a relationship exists.” That is as truthful as it gets and as informative. Without names, it is only a mystery to solve.

From another child of adoptees I read this (it also proved useful for my nephew in his own search and connected him with his true father – information my sister tried to hide from ALL of us) – We used Ancestry, 23&Me as well as Search Angels to find my grandparents. Ancestry was the best in terms of ethnicity and finding my grandmother’s side of the family. Search Angels used the Ancestry information to find grandfather’s information.

I highly recommend this tool for getting answers, but you also need to be prepared for a lot of information that will generate more questions, as well as open the door to biologically related family. This is a GOOD thing for your 14 year old but she also needs support at home while processing this information. If your husband is going to cause issues, I would bring her therapist in to be part of this journey. I’d also add some extra sessions where you can join and create a plan for how to support her.

This is such an important thing for her to do and you owe it to her to support her. Remove any barriers that will cause guilt, shame, frustration at home. It will bring you all closer. If your husband gets in the way, be ready for her to resent him (and possibly you) over time.

A Sad Reality

Though the date has past, it is still worth making a point about this because with inexpensive DNA testing and matching, it is happening more often now. An NPE, not parent expected, also sometimes MPE, misattributed parental experience, are terms applied to people who have learned that they are adopted after entering adulthood. It can also apply to people who learned that they are the product of donor conception, affairs, and/or rape.

One woman notes – Found my biological family. Unwanted by all…. I’m a product of date rape. The dirty secret…

From that comment, I learned today about LINK>RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) a national nonprofit support organization that can give people with these kinds of experience the resources they might need as a child conceived as a result of sexual assault. RAINN also carries out programs to prevent sexual violence, help survivors, and ensure that perpetrators are brought to justice.

Without Secrecy or Shame

The mom’s group related to my youngest son once divided ourselves into tell/don’t tell. After that, we could no longer discuss, within the whole group, the medical technology that had brought all of us together. Our children were all born within a 4 month window of time. We’ve only gotten together once (and not all of us made it to the event) when our children were 2 years old. One woman who gave birth to twins developed a rapid breast cancer and is no longer with us. As to the others, I often wonder how the ones who were “don’t tell” will manage the reality of inexpensive DNA testing and matching services that are ubiquitous today. Though I never ask . . .

My family was always open about the truth but also did not make a big issue of it. Locally, I really didn’t think it was anyone else’s business. After our egg donor did 23 and Me, I got my husband a kit. Then we got both of our sons kits. That gave us an opportunity to talk over one Sunday night dinner about the whole circumstance of how we came to have them. They seem to understand that they would not exist any other way. As their biological mother (though they don’t have my genes – at least not from the egg that became them – who knows what all goes on in the womb ?), I don’t detect any difference in our relationships with one another – thankfully.

So, yesterday, I read this story that, of course, spoke to me in very personal ways. I suppose part of my own reasons for honest transparency had to do with the fact that I am a child of 2 adoptees and until after they had both died, I knew next to nothing about our origins. My only regret is that I didn’t uncover those details while they were still alive.

The story was part of LINK>Huffpost Personal and was submitted by Julee Newberger titled – My Parents Hid The Truth Of My Birth From Me. I Almost Did The Same To My Own Daughter. It is subtitled – “The longer we waited, the more anxious I became. If we didn’t tell her soon, I feared it could do lasting damage to our family.”

She explains – “When I was my daughter’s age, I believed I was the biological daughter of my doting mom and dad, who said they tried to have children for more than 10 years until, at last, I arrived. But I always sensed that something was amiss. There were no pictures of my mother pregnant or stories about my birth. Nobody in the family had my crooked smile or blue-green eyes. I’d overheard some whispered conversations about adoption, but whenever I asked my parents, they shut it down.”

“By the time an older cousin confirmed that I was adopted, I was in my early 40s and both my parents had passed away. This midlife discovery left me with tangled emotions and no way to work through it with the two people I’d loved and trusted most. It’s possible that my parents thought they were saving me from stigma or that they feared I’d abandon them in lieu of my biological family.”

Regarding the conception of her daughter, she notes – “I also experienced something I hadn’t anticipated ― a sense of shame, as if I had cheated nature. At 44, maybe I wasn’t supposed to be a new mother, and by extension, this beautiful baby wasn’t truly mine. . . . feeling like an imposter, somehow less ‘legit’ than the other moms.” Up until her daughter’s questions about ethnicity, she had told herself that it was too soon to explain donor conception to a child who was too young to understand how a baby was made.

So, this is how it proceeded – “As soon as she started asking about her ancestry, I bought a book called ‘You Began as a Wish’ by Kim Bergman, which talks about all the different ways kids are conceived. My husband and I planned for all of us to read it together, but my daughter preempted that by pulling the book out of a box of Amazon purchases after school.” The author continues, “My whole body tensed as she began reading aloud and asking questions: ‘So all kids are made up of sperm, an egg, a womb’ … ” So, Julee came out with it – “Remember we told you that Mommy had trouble getting pregnant at first?” I said matter-of-factly. “Well, an anonymous donor gave us an egg so that we could have you.”

“After a while, I could see recognition in her warm brown eyes, different in color and shape than my own. “So, I’m related to somebody else,” she said. The author notes – “A recent study on third-party reproduction. Results showed families have better outcomes when parents tell kids about their conception early on, ideally by the time they’re 7 years old. The longer we waited, the more anxious I became. If we didn’t do it soon, I feared it could do lasting damage to our family.”

blogger’s note – I don’t regret any of our choices. The situation is simply my family’s reality and we are far from alone in our circumstances. It is a whole new world thanks to medical progress.

Does Anyone Ever Chose Drugs Over Their Kids ?

There is no way I can do justice to such a large and complex topic in a blog. I have experienced the difficulty of dealing with a spouse who has a substance use disorder. In my case, it was both alcohol and heroin that my spouse was using and it did impact our financial situation and our relationship. In fact, he left the region to try and get clean but came back. After that, I left because I lost hope that he could overcome it. Then, I left my daughter with her paternal grandmother, temporarily, only to discover that eventually, the grandmother turned her over to her father. I would NEVER have left her with him. However, he had remarried and her step-mother was very important in her life during those years. I did not know about the challenges that occurred in her household until very recently. I thought for many years that they gave her a family that I could not as a single mother – and I was not entirely wrong about that part – as her step and half siblings are very important to her. However, I also never knew about the domestic violence that she was forced to witness. It did not entirely surprise me when I learned of it. He had once threatened me with a pair of scissors due to a jealous outburst (which I had actually done nothing to cause). I was fortunate that he never hit me. If I had stayed longer, the outcome may have been worse.

In my all things adoption community today I read this discussion topic – Substance Use Disorder Views.

“Drugs are more important than their kids”

“The parents chose drugs over their kid”

“If they loved their children, they would get it together so they could get them back”

“She was given all the resources she would need, but it didn’t matter, she chose drugs over her kids”

All of the above can be read in any Foster/Adoptive Parent forum on any given day. Usually shared with clear disgust.

1) Are these statements accurate? Be prepared to back up why you say yes or no

2) Does removing children act as a wake up call or an avalanche effect?

NOTE: when discussing, please do not use the term addict, drug addict or any other derogatory term to identify someone dealing with SUD. Addiction is termed here as substance use disorder or SUD. We do this because we have members in recovery and we respect that language matters.

While there is not time to seriously address this, I did find something that is worth some time to consider, if you or someone you love is dealing with this issue. I will note that children are often removed from their parents for SUD. Some of will spend their entire childhood in foster care. The younger ones (typically they are more desirable) sometimes end up being adopted.

From Rutgers University – LINK>How much of addiction is genetic?
More than half of the differences in how likely people are to develop substance use problems stem from DNA differences, though it varies a little bit by substance. Research suggests alcohol addiction is about 50 percent heritable, while addiction to other drugs is as much as 70 percent heritable.

How many genetic risk factors have we discovered?
Hundreds, but there are hundreds more to be discovered. We just did a study where we measured how well the best current polygenic scores, combined with environmental risk factors, predicted substance use disorders in 15,000 people who participated in long-term studies, and we found that they only predicted about 10 percent of the outcome variations we saw. That said, people with the highest levels of risk were four times more likely to develop a substance use disorder than people with the lowest levels of risk, so we can already help people understand their risk level and optimize their health choices.

DNA Matters

DNA Matters. If it didn’t non-adopted people wouldn’t do genealogy. We can’t pretend that it isn’t important. My adoptee mom had to quit working on a family tree at Ancestry based on the adoptive families of my two parents (both adoptees) because she couldn’t get over the knowledge that it wasn’t “real”. I am still committed to eventually getting the actual family trees for each of my parents into Ancestry and maybe on 23 and Me as well. I just haven’t found the time.

Today, in my all things adoption group I read – “An adoptive parent was asked why does she want biological children when she has two adopted kids. Her answer ? She wants a child that has a piece of her and her husband without any outside involvement. So, DNA DOES MATTER. It matters to all of us but many try to erase the DNA of adoptees and foster children. As if their DNA doesn’t matter and they should be grateful for it.”

My youngest son was sad when he realized that he doesn’t have any of my DNA. My donor conceived sons have contact with their donor at 23 and Me, if they wish to pursue contact. They have met her on several occasions but she lives far away and we don’t make long trips of several weeks duration out west currently. Yet, I knew DNA did matter and getting their DNA tested (both boys and their father) gave us an opportunity to explain why they were conceived the way they were.

Because they gestated in my womb and have been with me most of their lives pretty much 24/7, there is a strong bond between us. I also breastfed each of them for just over a year. My husband puts slide shows of our photos of our boys on his computer. I get lost in watching and remembering what it was like to have babies in my life again after so many years. My husband and I were married for 10 years before we started trying to conceive. I had my biological, genetic daughter when I was 19 and she has given me two grandchildren. My sons add a richness to our lives (myself and my husband) that I do cherish. I love it when they interact with me from a love that we have developed over decades. Even so, I know that DNA matters.

Our DNA can also tell us about the much more recent past. If we concentrate on the most recent bits of our DNA family trees, we can learn about the history of our modern human ancestors—when, where, and with whom ordinary people lived or moved about. I learned a lot about my own origins from Ancestry and being able to track a lot of details about my parents’ relatives. If you are not an identical twin, your DNA is unique. This means that no one else in the world has the same DNA sequence as you. Because your DNA is unique, your physical appearance, or phenotype, is also unique.

Your genes play an important role in your health, but so do your behaviors and environment, such as what you eat and how physically active you are. Epigenetics is the study of how your behaviors and environment can cause changes that affect the way your genes work. Unlike genetic changes, epigenetic changes are reversible and do not change your DNA sequence, but they can change how your body reads a DNA sequence. Your epigenetics change as you age, both as part of normal development and aging and in response to your behaviors and environment.

Wondering and Asking Questions

Liann Ross

Today’s blog comes courtesy of LINK>Right To Know – who believe that “It is a fundamental human right to know your genetic identity.” I totally agree and that is what drove me to discover my own adoptee parents’ (both were adopted) origins.

She writes – “In 1998, my sister let it slip out that my parents were divorced for 3 years before I was born, thinking I already knew. I only started wondering and asking questions like…what were the circumstances of my conception ?” I remember when I was in middle school, I discovered that I had been conceived out-of-wedlock by counting the months between when my parents married and when I was born – 7, not 9.

She writes that in 2005, her Dad passed away. She says that was when she started wondering whether or not he was her biological father. Her mom was in the early stages of dementia due to Multiple Sclerosis. Her sister asked the question for her – “Is it possible that Dad is not Liann’s biological father”? Her mom immediately said, “I know he’s not”.

Liann does feel that she was lucky to be able to have a conversation with her mom and that her mom was even able to give her some answers. She was a product of an affair with a married Jewish man. So much like my own dad, who’s mother had an affair with a married man much older than her.

In 2017, she did the 23 and Me test. So much of what I know about my own origins is thanks to inexpensive commercial DNA testing. 23 and Me brought me much of what I now know about my dad’s mother through my own genetic cousins. In 2018, she did Ancestry’s DNA. I have also done both and really one should do both as what they can get from each is different. She discovered a half-brother but was asked to keep what she now knew about her genetic father a secret as he was still married and the couple had worked through years of his infidelities.

The problem for Liann was that the whole goal of her own journey was to no longer be “the secret”. So she did personal work on her own self-esteem so that she could get to a place in her own heart where she would be able to handle rejection, if that came her way again. She needed to be strong enough in who she knew herself to be, that she would know deeply that whatever her genetic relatives response to her was, it was not about her, who and how she is.

In September 2021, she sent her half-sister (who she had been asked to keep the secret from by her half-brother) a Facebook message explaining who she was, as delicately as possible given the circumstances of her own existence. Her half-sister did respond, though understandably shocked by the revelation and started asking questions. She notes that – while it was a very sensitive situation, the communication had a very different vibe than with the half-brother.

She was in therapy but her therapist ended up NOT being the right one for her. She says there is no way to understand and it is difficult trying to work through the depth of trauma this knowledge causes. She spent many years, sorting through memories and connecting the dots for her own self. She is exploring alternative modalities of healing (including inner child work/shadow work and ancestral trauma), support groups for those who experience a non-paternity event, learning self-love and connecting more deeply to her authentic self.

She admits – Finding out the man who raised me is not my biological father caused my foundation to crumble from underneath me. I had to put the puzzle pieces of my foundation back together without having the picture of what it should look like. She ends on this positive note – If there is one thing I realized through this journey, is how much of a hero my Dad actually was in my life. He raised me without question, and I know deep down he knew. That’s the kind of man he was. I feel him with me all the time and I see his name everywhere. I feel the connection we have now is even stronger than I could have imagined.

The Jim Twins

Jim Lewis and Jim Springer

I am a Gemini, so I’ve always been fascinated by the idea of twins. I often fantasized that there was a twin that didn’t make it to make my birth but there is no proof that ever happened. I have a sister only 13 months younger than me and when we were young, we were often dressed alike, as though we were twins – then she got much bigger than me. When I had my daughter, she would say that we were twins when she was still very young and I wondered if she was my missing twin, later born to me as her mom instead. That probably didn’t happen either. In assisted reproduction, there is a circumstance known as a vanishing twin (I experienced that with my oldest son’s conception). Adding to my own interest is the fact that I married a man who’s father is a twin. His twin brother, who was deaf due to an illness he was afflicted with when he was very young, was always tickled when local people would mistake him for my father-in-law.

Twins who were separated after birth have often been studied with remarkable results considering they were not raised together. These kinds of identical twins provide a rare opportunity for scientists to study how environment versus heredity influences human development – nurture vs nature.

Such is the case with the Jim twins. Identical twins that were separated at birth after they were placed for adoption. They did not meet one another until they were finally reunited at the age of 39. Even their wives have the same name as both married women named Linda and both divorced their wives several years later. Then both brothers married a second time to women named Betty. They also both had sons who each named – James Allan.

The Jim twins were born in 1940. Each was given the same first name by their respective adoptive parents. They even grew up just 40 miles apart from each other, their lives lived in a kind of parallel existence. Jim Lewis grew up knowing that he had a twin brother. Jim Springer’s mother had told him that his twin had passed away as a baby. Both had a brother named Larry and a dog called Toy. They shared the same interests in school – mathematics and woodwork – and both hated spelling. They shared a common interest in mechanical drawing and block lettering.

Both ended being heavy chain smokers and even owned the same make of car – a Chevrolet. They took vacations and went to the same Florida beach resort. Even so, they never encountered each other at the time. While their employment was not identical, their jobs were similar – Jim Lewis worked as a security guard and Jim Springer became a deputy sheriff.

Eventually, Jim Lewis went to an Ohio courthouse seeking contact details for his long-lost twin brother. They spoke to one another on the phone and subsequently agreed to meet. Even though Jim Springer did not know his twin was still alive, he said he had “always felt an emptiness” growing up.

A study of the two men by Dr Thomas Bouchard, director of the Minnesota Study Project – Twins Reared Apart, discovered that their medical histories and even their brain-wave tests were almost identical. They both suffered a type of migraine headache that began when they were at the age of 18. Both suffer the same degree of disability and the same frequency — and they even use almost identical words to describe it. The cause may be far more biological than doctors in the field have believed. The twins also scored nearly identical on a personality test. During that study, when asked to create a picture, they even drew the exact same thing.

“We even use the same slang,” Jim Lewis notes. “A lot of times, I’ll start to say something, and he’ll finish it!” Researchers have said this phenomenon can be attributed to the twins having remarkably similar brain waves. This causes the perception that some identical twins “think alike.” One has to wonder if there are genetic influences that affect our life choices.

Information about twins is being gathered and analyzed globally. Most of the Scandinavian countries maintain a twin registry. The Swedes, for instance, have data on 26,000 pairs of twins, dating back as far as 1886. In Rome, more than 15,000 pairs of twins are registered with the pioneering Gregor Mendel Institute for Medical Genetics and Twin Studies. And here in the United States, there is another one at the National Academy of Sciences — National Research Council’s Twin Registry. That director is Zdenek Hrubec. He keeps tabs on 16,000 pairs of male twins, in which both have served in the military.

There are an estimated 100 million twins in the world. Identical twins are called monozygotic twins because they develop from a single fertilized egg that later divides to produce two embryos that are genetically identical. About 3.5 identical twins occur in every 1,000 live births, a rate that has remained constant without regard to socio‐economic factors or even individual characteristics such as maternal age. In extremely rare cases (usually involving some chromosomal abnormalities), twins of opposite genders are born. Only one in three twin births produces identical twins. Much more common are fraternal twins. This occurs when two eggs are fertilized about the same time. Genetically speaking, these “twins” are no more similar than any other siblings.

There is some progress in adoptionland – identical twins are rarely separated and reared apart today. Thanks to more enlightened welfare policies and changing social attitudes that have removed the social disgrace that was once associated with illegitimacy.

There is much more information than I have shared here in this New York Times article – LINK>Twins Reared Apart: A Living Lab.

Every Person Deserves To Know Their Origins

From LINK>The Huffington Post by Marie Holmes – There are some key differences between the experiences of adopted and donor-conceived kids, but one thing remains the same: They should know about their origins.

For many people today, a surprise DNA test result opens the door to their true identity. The outcome can reroute their lives around uncovering of their family’s secrets. Many become advocates for people having full access to their genetic histories. I certainly believe that is important. From experience, I know that my genetic origins did matter greatly to me.

One woman describes finding out that her parents’ story, the story she’d bent herself into a pretzel to continue to believe, was a fabrication. The years that followed were difficult. “I went through a really serious time of grief and just identity crisis.” For a time, she didn’t speak to her parents.

The current consensus among professionals in the related fields is that it is best for children to know their whole story from the very beginning. That has been the perspective for me and my husband with our donor egg conceived sons. A communicative openness is best between parents and their children. Always we have believed in as much openness as our children encourage. We did not made a big deal of it, just a matter of fact-ness on occasion when called for.

And yet, secrecy is still an issue. Advocates today recommend a ban on anonymity. In my mom’s group, almost 20 years ago, we split into “tell and don’t tell” members. No one anticipated the inexpensive availability of DNA matching sites like Ancestry and 23 and Me. Parents who have not yet disclosed to a child that they were donor-conceived, are encouraged by advocates not to wait another moment. Ideally, children would never remember a time before they knew they were donor-conceived, because parents would speak about it frequently and openly. There is no minimum age a child needs to reach in order to hear the story of their origins. It is the right thing to do for their children and parents owe this truth-telling to themselves. Secrets do have a tendency to out themselves.

Unfortunately, sperm banks, egg donation agencies and other providers of third-party reproduction continue to remain silent on the issue of a donor-conceived person’s right to information about their origins. To be honest, in the past parents were usually not given any information about their donor, and donors weren’t told how many children were born as a result of their donations. Today, queer couples and mothers who are single by choice make up a majority of any sperm banks’ customers. These families tend to have a different attitude toward their sperm donors’ anonymity, with many specifically search in advance for “willing-to-be-known” or “identity release” donors who agree to allow their children to contact them once they turn 18.

To be certain, there are crucial differences in the experiences of adoptees and donor-conceived people. The latter generally grow up knowing one biological parent. Adoptees must also reckon with deeply emotional questions regarding why their family gave them up for adoption. Donor-conceived people do not have that challenge. A recent study published in the journal Developmental Psychology surveyed 65 families formed via third-party reproduction (sperm, egg or embryo donation) and compared them with 52 families who had not used assisted reproduction. The children were 20 years old at the time they completed the survey. Researchers found “no differences between assisted reproduction and unassisted conception families in mothers’ or young adults’ psychological well-being, or the quality of family relationships.” I find this good news but also my own experience.

It’s worth noting that in families where the children were informed about the donor by age 7, they were less likely to have negative relationships with their mothers, and the mothers themselves showed lower levels of anxiety and depression. The study’s authors say their findings “suggest that the absence of a biological connection between children and their parents in assisted reproduction families does not interfere with the development of positive mother–child relationships or (the children’s) psychological adjustment in adulthood.” With donor conception, an intentionality on the parents’ part appears to make them feel more responsible about telling their children the full story of their creation. So, are not adoptive parents also intentional about their choice ? I wonder. As my sons matured, we did 23 and Me, first for their father and then, for each of our boys. This allowed us the perfect opportunity to fully explain the reasons behind our choice. Their donor also did 23 and Me and they have the ability to privately contact her there should they wish to. They have had some contact with their donor, though years have passed since. They are aware she has other children and I show them photos from Facebook so they have some idea.