Celebrating A Life

Teri Garr with adopted daughter, Molly O’Neill

Teri Garr passed away on Tuesday, Oct. 29th. The singer died after a battle with multiple sclerosis. Teri had one child, her adopted daughter, Molly O’Neill. The actor adopted her daughter on Nov. 11, 1993, during her marriage to contractor John O’Neill. His marriage to Teri Garr took place on the same day their daughter Molly was born. Teri and John were married for three years and divorced in 1996. They split custody of Molly. John credited their then-8-year-old daughter for being a light for her mom while she was facing her diagnoses.

“If ever Teri feels down, Molly is there to lift her spirits,” John told an interviewer. “Molly is the most wonderful child in the world.” John added that Teri was fully present in their daughter’s life and, despite her own challenges, ensured her daughter felt loved and seen by both parents. “Molly is gold — she means the world to us. We are the luckiest two people in the world to have this child. The only thing that is important is raising our daughter.”

Like her mother, Molly is private and has no public social media. However, she attended several multiple sclerosis benefits with her mom as a child in the early 2000s. According to Variety, Molly has a son named Tyryn, who is also mourning the loss of his grandmother.

A Connection With Mom

From an adoptee – this is exactly how I’ve felt my whole life. Then, when I did get pregnant, this is what it felt like in the opposite way with my son inside me. He’s the first person I’ve ever met related to me and it’s such an awesome feeling. Biology matters!

A trans-racial adoptee affirms – this speaks so much. We are tied to our birth mother, even when we are given up at birth.

Another adoptee writes – It definitely resonates with me. Whether in reunion or not, we are always tied to our mothers.

A mother who relinquished due to coercion writes – Very much connected and bonded to my kiddo before he was born. Which is why the coercion comes into play. They want to sever that connection as long and as much as possible by messing with your brain so you sign those papers.

One adoptee shared the image above, saying – this highlights the depth of loss from the child’s perspective. If you can’t get them to care about the mother, maybe they’ll at least care about the impact separation has on the child.

One adoptee shared – My mom quoted a poem she read in an Ann Landers Column “I didn’t grow you under my heart but in it”. Blogger’s note – In trying to check this out, I found it was actually by LINK>Fleur Conkling Heyliger and relates to having adopted a child. The “mom” was likely her adoptive mother, not her birth mother. I suppose either Ann Landers was a more well-known name or that she actually did share this in a column but I couldn’t prove that. Another adoptee pushed back – except we grew in our Mother’s womb, just like everyone else. That poem is for an adoptive parents benefit.

Another adoptee regarding the drawing at the top of this blog wrote – The deep, lasting connection to our mothers wordlessly and clearly expressed. I like it a lot.

A mother of loss shares – This is why, when I first talked to my son at 30 years old, he said talking to me was so easy, it’s like he had known me forever. It’s a string that should never be broken.

One person shared her first reaction to the drawing at the top of this blog – when I first saw this, I immediately thought it was pro life propaganda. An adoptee admitted – I did too, but only for a flash – the heartbeat thing. Then my adoptee kicked in and I saw something else.

Another adoptee goes full in with a long comment – I think that no matter what – a child is always connected to their mother. They grew inside them, they are the one that gave them life. Their mother felt them grow and move inside their body and that connection is unmatched to any other sort of connection.

The drawing was shared because it relates to a specific situation and so, she elaborates on that – A minor being forced or pressured to give their child up for adoption would be such a devastating loss, especially if this is how the mom feels about her baby. The worst loss anyone can feel is the loss of a child and then, next the loss of a parent. Imagine trying to grieve that loss but knowing they are still alive.

You know you are still connected by that red string of fate but it was cut by adults who felt like they knew more or better than you did. I couldn’t imagine that feeling of emptiness or loneliness. I would anticipate the mother going into an emotional spiral if that was to happen.

I’m not sure exactly the situation with this young mom but Child Protective Services can and will support this young mom with this child. She DOES NOT need to give her child up for adoption. She needs a voice and an advocate to support her, to help her have a voice and be heard in a system that won’t hear her wants. She needs one person. One strong person to support her and advocate for her and support her in this journey and let her know that she can keep her baby with the help of a village. It won’t be easy, it’s going to be extremely hard. But it’s clear she wants to parent. She sees a future with her child and she should be given an opportunity to do that.

What Are You Planning To Do ?

Teen Mom

I am the oldest child of a teenage mother. My mom discovered she was pregnant when she was 16 and still in high school. My dad a first year university student chose to quit advanced education and marry her, go to work in an oil refinery, often double 16 hour shifts in a noisy, stinky environment (I know because he brought those smells home with him). The miracle is, though both of my young parents were adoptees, I was not also given up for adoption. I will be forever grateful for that.

I had not considered what my mom may have endured as a teen mother. And in fact, she had my younger sister only 13 months later. Today, I saw an article in a Huffington Post “Personal” essay by Laura Good, a teen mom – LINK>I Had My Daughter At 16. I Was Shocked By These Things People Felt Comfortable Saying To Me. She adds – “While people regularly expected me to tell them how I would fix my ruined life… I can’t help but notice the questions I was not asked.”

She also admits that “My responses change depending on the tone of the comment. They vary from matter-of-fact to sarcastic and snide.” She notes that it’s common among pregnant people to have to navigate unsolicited opinions and advice from strangers. Being pregnant as a child also invites that behavior, but the overall tone takes a sharp turn toward shaming and judgment.

She remembers “I would get comments from people at the grocery store, people in waiting rooms, phlebotomists, hairstylists, friends, parents of friends, bullies, strange adults, and people from my school whom I’d never spoken to before. Mostly they felt entitled to know how old I was, who got me pregnant and what I was planning to do with my baby.” blogger’s note – That last one is code for are you going to give up your baby for adoption ?

She did not give up her daughter but chose to parent. She shares how she was able to manage that. “Things would have been much harder as a young mom if I hadn’t had the support of my own mother. Thanks to her, my daughter has so many treasured memories of time spent with her grandma growing up. I also had the support of one of my mother’s dear friends, who took me and my infant daughter in during a very dark time and included us in her family. We are still family to this day.”

“Between them and a few of my close friends, I raised my daughter surrounded by a beautiful circle of strong women. Even so, it wasn’t until my daughter was grown up that I began to chip away at the layers of shame that had been holding me together for close to 20 years of my life.”

She notes that “People routinely made major assumptions about me and my character that were never based in fact. Several of my daughter’s teachers underestimated my intelligence or assumed I was an irresponsible parent before speaking to me. One of her elementary school teachers told me that I was a bad parent because my child was tired at school one day.”

“Shame has a tangible impact on our brains and self-image, affecting our neurobiology and attachment style. When we are shamed by our community, we begin to feel like we are not worthy of love and belonging. It can become a part of our personalities. The shame I experienced in my life has profoundly shaped how I walk through the world. It has taken years of therapy and self-work to get over that, and that work is not done.”

She is also surprised by the questions no one ever asked her – Are you OK? Things like: Do you need support? Things like: Are you safe? She acknowledges the lack of gender equality in her situation and notes – “I raised a child while navigating severe PTSD, and I shouldered all of the blame.”

The good news that she shares is this – “My daughter and I grew up together, and we have a powerful bond and a wonderful relationship. I did my best to raise her with care and validation. She is almost 30 now, and I am so proud of the person she has become. I’m very intentional about the kinds of people I surround myself with now. I certainly couldn’t have done the parenting job I did without the help and support of my chosen community.”

She also shares – “I’m so passionate about advocacy and empowerment that I went back to school and earned a master’s degree in clinical social work, or MSW. My daughter joined me on stage for the hooding ceremony that is part of graduating with a master’s degree. Having her put that sash over my head and walking up there with me was an incredibly fulfilling moment. I recently started my first job as a mental health therapist. It’s truly a gift that I now get to support other people in healing from their shame and trauma.”

Struggling With Forgiveness

A woman writes – I’ve been struggling lately being adopted. I’m glad I was removed from the situation I was in, but I’m struggling with forgiving my birth mom. Am I wrong for not wanting anything to do with her? My feelings have gotten stronger since I had my child and even though I debated putting him up for adoption at one point (because I was in a really bad financial situation) I struggle with understanding why I wasn’t enough to make her get herself together and be a mom.

Am I wrong for not forgiving her? And for being bitter about it?

I understand a lot of parents do what they think is best or they were coerced, but the state gave her multiple chances and resources to help her be a mom. Even long before we were removed from her care, then they gave her a chance for 3 years to get her life back on track. I’ve read the reports, so I know what happened and I feel anger towards her for it.

An adoptee responded – As an adoptee, I get it. I also considered placing my baby, because of financial reasons, but didn’t, so I feel you. I’m in a successful and happy reunion, but I get you. You don’t owe anyone anything. You are entitled to your very valid feelings. And now that you are an adult, you and only you get to make the choices that are right for you. And you get to build a beautiful life for your own child. And you don’t owe her anything. Nothing. It’s really okay.

From another adoptee – You are not wrong and you are enough. The decision to not do the work necessary is 100% on her.

From an adoptee who also spent time in foster care – My adopted mom (who I didn’t know wasn’t my biological mom as a child) couldn’t keep her act together enough to keep Child Protective Services from removing me. So I feel very similarly to you. I also have anger towards my birth mother for allowing such an awful person to adopt me. I don’t speak to either of them and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. You don’t owe anyone your forgiveness and your feelings are valid.

Another adoptee with a similar background to the one above – I was emotionally, verbally, and physically abused for 11 years with my biological mom. She would leave us for days to go on benders. I was allowed to continue contact with her and my foster parents always facilitated that, if we wanted it. I decided voluntarily to cut ties with my biological mom at 12, when I was finally adopted after 11 years of back and forth, and failed reunification attempts. After my biological dad died, even though they weren’t together, I decided to try to reconnect with her. She cursed me out because I wouldn’t tell her where my dad’s funeral service would be. I didn’t want her name attached to me. This was the day after he died. I was 18. I haven’t spoken to her in 10 years. I don’t want to look like her. I don’t want her to ever know if I have my own children. I don’t want to speak to her. And no, I do not feel bad at all about it. I’ve resolved it in myself. I know exactly what happened – I lived it. Painting foster/adoption with a broad brush is dangerous, as not everyone’s experience is the same and not all kids have a biological option to turn to. I did not. I am forever grateful that I am adopted. It was after 11 years of meth-addled Dept of Family and Child Services visits, neglect, abuse, and psychological trauma. I’ll never finish undoing what she did to me. Some folks do not deserve kids. That’s my truth and I won’t let anyone make me feel bad for it.

She also expresses appreciation for her foster parents who fostered 45 kids during their lifetime and only adopted 3 of us. Two of us are biologically related (me and my half-brother, who entered care, after I had already been placed with them for 8 years. They had guardianship of me and then took him, when he entered care, because it was what was best for us – to have the presence of a biological sibling). The third child, they had from the time he was 2 days old and his biological mom requested they adopt him because she was serving a 10 year sentence in prison and had nobody to take him. She said she would only do it, if she adopted him. They did many things most foster parents would never dream of doing.

Linda Ronstadt Adoptive Mother

If not for her remarks recently, I would have never known that Linda Ronstadt is an adoptive mother. She wrote – “I raised two adopted children in Tucson as a single mom. They are both grown and living in their own houses. I live with a cat. Am I half a childless cat lady because I’m unmarried and didn’t give birth to my kids? Call me what you want, but this cat lady will be voting proudly in November for Kamala Harris and Tim Walz.”

Linda adopted two children, a son and a daughter, in the 1990s. She never married.

Mary Clementine Ronstadt is her daughter and was adopted as an infant. She can also sing harmonies according to her mother. Linda is quoted as saying “Children need art in their lives — real art, not the stuff you watch on television. Art is essential for processing your feelings and connecting to your origins and identity.”

Carlos Javier Andres Ronstadt was adopted in 1994. He grew up alongside his sister in San Francisco, California. Carlos has stayed away from the limelight for most of his life but is close to his mother. Carlos has worked for Apple and is also a musician. She has said about him – “My son is actually really talented. He picked up the guitar and just learned it like lightning, but that’s not his primary focus. He’s a techie and has a good job and a nice girlfriend. My children both use music for their own enjoyment, which is what music is really for.”

Details in today’s blog came from LINK>Legit.

Blogger’s note – I once owned Ronstadt’s CD – Canciones de mi Padre. Here’s one from that album performed live.

A Birth Mother’s Story

I didn’t technically know I was pregnant until I was almost 8 months along. I had been in jail for 4 months before I found out. I had a suspicion I was and the jail supposedly ran 2 blood work and 2 pee tests and kept telling me I wasn’t pregnant. I was around 4 months pregnant when I got to the jail so after being there for 4 months I was 8 months along when I got out. I had her about a month early and had went to one doctor’s appointment for her.

She came out July 2nd and was 4lbs 6ounces and just perfect. I met the adoptive parents through an agency. I met with them one time before I had her and absolutely fell in love with them. I’m having a hard time – missing her – but I know she is exactly where she is supposed to be. The family very much wants me involved in her life and I’m having a hard time with knowing if it’s better that she knows me from the start or if she would be better off not knowing. I have 2 other daughters that I don’t have unfortunately. My oldest daughter passed away in a house fire that happened and she went back in to try and save our puppies and never made it back out. They want to have her know about her sisters and that makes me happy. My other daughter is with her father for now.

My oldest daughter was with me when I gave birth. I had her on my mom’s birthday and my nurse’s name was Rilee, which was my daughter’s name. I know I did the right thing for my baby girl. She is going to have a wonderful life full of all the things I couldn’t give her at this time of my life.

It’s so hard not having her with me but seeing her pictures all the time, knowing she should have been mine and that I failed at life to the point that I couldn’t raise her properly, that kills me inside.

Answering Hard Questions

Today’s complicated situation (not my own) – I am currently expecting and due in December. My pregnancy was unplanned with someone I wasn’t in a relationship with, and I initially considered abortion but chose to pursue open adoption instead. The adoptive parents I selected are family—my sister-in-law’s sister—so my son would grow up with his cousins in the town I’m from and where some of my family still live. They’ve struggled with infertility, having faced four miscarriages and a stillborn, and they’re overjoyed about this baby.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about the future and how I’ll respond when my son asks, “Why did you give me up?” My reasons feel rooted in fear and selfishness, and I’m not sure they’re good enough. I’m 27, with a stable job, savings, no drug issues, and not in any dire circumstances. I’ve just never wanted kids and fear the unknown challenges of single parenting.

I’ve been researching adoption’s impact on both the child and the birth mother and am realizing the deep grief, loss, and trauma involved. It’s making me reconsider my decision to place him for adoption. I fear making this decision will make him grow up feeling rejected by me, but also feeling like a second choice child to the hopeful adoptive parents because of their inability to have biological children.

The HAP are flying out in a few days, and they don’t know I’m having second thoughts. I’m terrified of hurting them. Should I tell them before they come, or wait to talk in person?

If I keep my son, I’ll be raising him as a single mom. Even then, he’ll face the pain of growing up without an involved father. The adoptive family offers a stable, loving two-parent home with the means to provide a private education and a secure future.

For those of you who are adoptees, my question is: Looking back, would you have preferred to stay with your biological mother, even if it meant a tougher life, or be with adoptive parents who could offer more stability and opportunities?

Any thoughts, personal experiences, or advice would mean the world to me. This is the hardest decision I’ve ever faced, and I want to do what’s best for my son, not just what’s easiest for me. I know both decisions are a hard path, so I’m not saying giving up my son for adoption is “easy”, but it’s the “easy” way out of responsibility and fear of the unknown, and it feels deeply selfish. There is a ton of fear surrounding open adoption too with not knowing if it will stay open, or if I’ll end up regretting my decision.

An adoptee reminds her – you don’t owe anyone your baby. Another adoptee admits – I had great adopted parents. Even so, it didn’t stop me from wondering why I was given away. I never felt whole, and still don’t 40 years later. Another adoptee shares – Tons of struggles with my identity, horrible abandonment and attachment issues. One says – And I definitely still have trauma. And another one – I love my adoptive parents, but the feelings of grief and abandonment are pervasive in my life.

A mother shares her own journey – I already had three kids when I ended up with an unplanned pregnancy. I wanted an abortion but ultimately couldn’t go through with it. Then I regretted not going through with it for a looooong time. Like even once my baby was here. So then I contemplated doing adoption, but I’d cry about the trauma it would cause our whole family. Of what I was robbing my innocent baby of. Of the stories from adult adoptees. Of how he would always feel unloved and unwanted because he was the one that didn’t get to stay. And then once he was about 10 months, it just clicked for me. I was listening to a song about abortion in the car and was thinking “that’s what I should have done” and I looked at him in the camera and an immense wave of sadness hit me. And I realized just how perfectly my 4th child has fit into our lives. It was hard. It still is (life would certainly be easier without a one year old, especially as my older kids are in school). But I don’t have any regret anymore. And I remember someone a long time ago told me “you baby is just as adoptable at 6 months as a newborn, so give it time”. It helps get the hormones a little more under control, helps you adjust to life a bit, etc.

Coercive Trickery

Kim Rossler with baby Elliott

I stumbled on this story. It isn’t new and I am unable to find out any current status. It is a cautionary tale for any expectant mother who is conflicted about giving up her baby for adoption or choosing to parent. Rather than go over all the details of this case (which sadly is common to many other such cases), I leave you with a few links to read more if you are interested in it.

Between 2015 and 2019, the story did garner some very public and at times controversial reporting (depending upon which side of the adoption issues you find yourself leaning into). I did see that the Huffington Post had a two-part article by Mirah Riben. LINK>Part 1 was published July 7, 2015 (Rossler gave birth on May 28, 2015 in Mobile County, Alabama). It was followed by LINK>Part II. At three weeks old, an Alabama sheriff removed the baby from his mother, while she was breastfeeding him.

It is the story about what can happen when a predatory adoption agency and an intent to adopt woman get together to derail a decision to parent by a woman who was previously considering giving her baby up for adoption but changed her mind.

LovingFamilies on WordPress published LINK>Update Baby Elliott Case. I also did find that LINK>in 2019, the Alabama Supreme Court ruled that a Facebook page go back online. I did try to locate it but did not find that it went back up.

This is NOT how adoption is supposed to work.

When It Is Too Little Too Late

An adoptee wrote – For the first time today, at the age of 34, I was able to connect with my first biological relative. Unfortunately, she shared with me that my biological mother passed away a few years ago… To say I am devastated is an understatement. I don’t even know how to feel, I am grieving so many things that I can’t even put my finger one. I will never be able to talk to her. I will never get to ask her why she made the decisions she did… I am sad for reason I can’t even understand.

Blogger’s note – In the 1990s, my adoptee mother appealed to the state of Tennessee to release her adoption file to her. She was denied and still fought back but to no effect. All the state did tell her was that her mother had died some time ago and that the status of her father (who was much older than her mother) was unknown. They told her that he had two daughters who were “not” related to her ? though they had the same father. It’s a pity because the youngest sister was still alive until 2017 and had always hoped my mom (who she knew about) would turn up, so they could chat. My mom felt much the same as the woman who’s story I share today.

Another adoptee noted – Adoption means loss, loss, and more loss. It’s completely understandable (at least to those of us who were adopted) why you are grieving. You won’t be able to meet your mother this side of heaven. There is nothing much worse than that.

Yet another confirms – Your feelings are totally valid. I had met my biological mom once before she passed but we never had any real conversation or connection and her loss hit me hard because I knew that opportunity was gone.

An adoptee notes – That is so sad. I am so sorry. Everyone wants to know “their story” …. how they came to be and why they were adopted.

Another note from your blogger – I do have my mom’s adoption file now and it is heartbreaking because she would have learned so much, if it had been given to her when she asked for it. Her mother was a victim of Georgia Tann and was exploited in the midst of a 1930s devastating flood on the Mississippi River and so, as she was separated from her husband, who she was legally married to. He was in Arkansas helping with the flood efforts through his employment with the WPA, when my grandmother arrived in Memphis with my infant mom. My grandmother fought to keep my mom but Tann was too well connected to stop it.

A Mother Never Really Forgets

Today’s story – I am in my 30s. When I was a teen I lost two infants to child protective services (CPS). Despite working their program, they terminated my rights to both. Both were adopted by separate foster families. I have more children now that I raise 100%, and no worries or issues with CPS.

My question is, would it be weird to print off pictures of my first two children and hang them up ? I do not have relationships with either family, per their choice. I speak of them frequently to my younger kids and they know age appropriate explanations about the situation. I have had no contact with my first two kids in over 10 years, however I have found a way to view recent pictures. Would that be weird to “steal” these photos to print off ? I have tough skin so if it is, tell me please.

Not sure that it matters but I am also an adopted child, former foster child.

The responses were generally supportive – I feel like you should do whatever your heart is telling you. When I found my birth mother and later her son, I was happy to know that she had told him about me.

Another shared – My bio mom “stole” photos of me, after she found my socials and before she ready/able to reach out. At first, I was maybe a little weirded out, but ultimately it meant a lot to me that I mean that much to her.

A mother of loss said – They’re still your kids, even though you don’t have legal parental rights; they deserve a place in your home, even if it’s just downloaded pictures from the internet.

An adoptee said – I don’t think it’s weird because you haven’t been allowed to develop a relationship where you could get pictures organically. At least this way, your other kids can see them. And you can see them.

Yet another adoptee said something similar – I don’t think it’s weird. I’d be cautious and don’t share them publicly…..I’m sorry you’ve had to go through that. Hopefully they look for you as they get older.

A former foster care youth notes – If the pictures are viewable by you online, they’re accessible anyways. I say go for it! You have a right to love them.