A Selfless Act Of Love ?

An adoptee asks – does anyone else get really annoyed when people say “adoption is the most selfless act of love” ? Because no ? I think the most unselfish thing for my biological mom to have done would have been to get her life together, so she could parent her child. And I think the most unselfish thing my adoptive parents (and the Div of Family and Child Services) could have done would be to HELP my biological mom get it together, so she could parent her child. I think it was pretty selfish for my biological mom to just give in and give up because SHE couldn’t get it together for a child she created. And I think it’s pretty selfish of my adoptive parents to just take me, no questions asked, because they wanted to. I don’t know. Nothing about my adoption was selfless. None of it was centered around my best interests. I’m just really angry about it today.

One adoptee responds – As a teenager I had the feeling of “why wasn’t I enough” every so often. But when I met my biological family at 18, I was sooo thankful I was adopted. Absolute disgusting trash of a family. My adopted mom may not be perfect but it definitely made me more grateful for her vs what I could’ve grown up in. I think everyone has their own perspectives. Sometimes it is selfless, because the biological family is in no place to raise a kid. Does it suck? Yes. But in my case, I’m thankful I was taken by the state and adopted out.

Another adoptee notes – I met my birth mother who was a POS that gave two of us up separately. I’m glad I wasn’t raised by her, but that in no way negates me losing all my family, my identity, my vital medical info & updates, my background info, potential relationships, not meeting family who have passed, and suffering the trauma of all that & family separation.

Another person says the truth – It is simply something said to make adoption presentable. It’s gross the way words are used – twisted and weaved – to make the idea of something dreadful and repulsive into something lovely and desirable.

A mother of loss shares her own experience – For me it wasn’t a matter of “not getting my shit together”, it was having people actively working against me, preventing me from getting information and resources that I was either legally entitled to or that it was standard practice to provide. There was absolutely no part of me that did not want my child, but between the constant messages of “if you truly love the baby you’ll do this” and “if you don’t do this we’ll take away any bit of choice you do have”, had I been given the chance to “get my life together”, I absolutely would have, but I was denied that chance.

One who was placed with relatives shares – My mother wasn’t abusive, but wasn’t fully functioning either. She’d been raped to conceive me, and she wanted to leave her cheating husband. Her parents flat refused to help. They themselves called Child Protective Services on her and reported her as neglectful and homeless, because they wouldn’t let her move back home with my sister and me. My sister’s uncle ended up taking me in, because the judge wouldn’t give us back to our mother. (Her dad took her.) She didn’t voluntarily give us up, but she did give up fighting for us and moved away from all the thoughts and memories. The people who took me in played house until their own children were born. Then, they emotionally used me as their surrogate and discarded me as a daughter. They could’ve worked to reach out to her and see if she had her stuff together and could raise me.

Another adoptee shares – My adoption was open and I saw the life my birth mom had vs the life I had with my adoptive parents. I do believe it was selfless. I wouldn’t change my situation. My birth mom and I have a relationship now. I have a great relationship with my adoptive parents. She did what she felt was best and I agree. I respect her for it. It was her choice and it was selfless in my opinion.

Sadly, this adoptee had an unhappy experience – I am so glad I was adopted. Yes, I do have resentment towards my adoptive parents for some of the decisions that were made in raising me and with how they handled my adoption. But I did reach out and try to establish a relationship with my birth mother. I wish I never would have because she completely destroyed my life. It took years for me to even begin to come back from what she did. And that’s not even touching on the emotional toll I still have to deal with.

Another one shares – No one offered my biological mom help or support. She was a teenager in foster care with no help. She had no choice. No one would help her or support her. So she did the only thing she could do because she clearly couldn’t take care of me. She had no job, no home, no way to take care of me, no support – nothing. I don’t blame my biological mom since I learned the whole truth. She was a child.

This same woman (from above) is raising her cousin’s daughter and her story is – to me – a genuine selfless act of love – my cousin asked me to adopt her daughter because she was struggling with drug addiction. I was just shocked and in disbelief. I didn’t even know she was pregnant. She told me that she didn’t want her daughter to end up in the system. I met with her the next day and brought her EVERY RESOURCE I knew of in the area. Coincidently, I worked for the area and knew all the resources for moms who were using while pregnant. My FIRST RESPONSE was to run to her, hug her and tell her this is not your only choice. Let me help you. I can get you into treatment and you can stay with your baby at these places. I know the owners, I can get you in. Plus other resources. I explained to her my adoption trauma and how I would never wish that for anyone. I gave her all the resources and told her I wanted her to look at them. Like really look at them. I would support her however I could, even taking placement until she got on her feet. Several weeks later, she said she still wanted to give her daughter to me and she wants me to adopt her vs guardianship because she doesn’t want Child Protective Services in her life – EVER – which would happen, even if her daughter wasn’t in her custody. So eventually, I agreed on one condition… she stays in her daughter’s life… she was so thankful and grateful. We talk almost everyday. She’s that girl’s mama and always will be.

Another adoptee admits – I think the most selfless thing my first mother could have done would be having an abortion instead of birthing me. My siblings feel similarly (both those kept and those relinquished). And taking a baby and pretending it’s yours, so you can play house and pretend to be its parent, is not selfless to me.

An adoptee struggles with the trope as well – I struggle with the selfless narrative, we hear as well (and some of us are) mothers who you couldn’t pry away from our children, we’d do any and everything to keep them and do our best by our children. Giving your kid away is the opposite, letting someone else worry about feeding, clothing and raising them isn’t selfless, it’s selfish. The adoptive parents rushing in isn’t selfless, they’re selfishly taking someone else’s child.

And there was this compassionate response – My birth mother was gang raped (I found this out a couple years ago). I was conceived pre-Roe v Wade. She didn’t have a choice, unless she wanted to get a back alley abortion. So, what you’re saying is she is supposed to raise me & live that rape everyday ? I’ve always been very pro choice , so give women a right to have an abortion & fight for it!! If the current administration coming in has its way, there’s going to be lots more women & children in my situation & that makes me very angry!!

From another adoptee – I hate hearing it. Because it makes it seem beautiful that I was abandoned. Which it was not. It’s the greatest wound of my life. What would’ve been beautiful would’ve been the adoption agents actually helping my relatives somehow. Not forcing my mother to sign papers, so I could be shipped abroad. Nothing about it feels selfless. It feels wrong and so sad. While I love my adoptive parents, I hate what happened for me to get here.

And this reality check – If giving up a child is “loving, brave and selfless,” does that mean parents who keep and raise their own children are “unloving, cowardly and merciless?”

And this happens to other mothers of loss – It WAS selfish of me. Adoption offered all these perfect “answers” to allllllll the “problems” that faced me. And since I was given the opportunity to become a living embodiment of a “family building angel” I ate it up. As horrible as it is, I must admit that it felt good to be told I was smart and wise and strong and selfless. I was desperate for that validation and acknowledgment from anyone in my life and of course only the agency offered it. I drank it up. And came home from relinquishing believing in some innate goodness. Which is probably one of the things that kept me alive in the dark times after. I didn’t have to face his father. I didn’t have to face my family. I didn’t have to hear the whispers and gossip ( that existed in my head.. in reality no one would have cared in a few months. So what? I spared myself a few months if discomfit?) I didn’t have to alter my life plans. I didn’t have to even try. And not to end this on a defensive note, but as a kindness to my younger self, she also didn’t know. She didn’t know at 19 that we had a strength within us that would be able to achieve great things in this lifetime. I had no idea what I was capable of and no idea that it wasn’t what they promised it would be. I knew I would hurt and I was willing to take it for the greater good. So I forgive myself and offer grace for what we didn’t know. But it was still a terrible mistake. And yes, indeed a root in selfishness and self preservation. Relinquishment is a desperate act based on survival built on faulty lies as a foundation.

Just one last one – Angry with my adoptive mother – yes. Towards my adoptive father I feel differently because he fostered my relationship with my biological family after my adoptive parents divorced. He never stopped being my bestie and a driving force in my positive mental health. I never was able to fill the shoes my adoptive mother had in her fantasies. I frequently find myself angry about it and found her to be VERY selfish. My biological grandmother gave me away, without my biological mother’s consent.

Societal Challenges

Today’s story – I’m a trans man, I gave birth to my daughter, I am her father. she was taken away from me and my partner at 6 weeks and put in temporary placement with my parents. She’s now 8 months old.

A few things, questions, concerns –

1. We are expecting my daughter to come home to us. We are in a transitional period now. Our trial is on the 21st, I’ve been told over and over there’s no way anyone will dispute her coming home, but I am so worried.

2. My mom wants to throw us a baby shower/celebration of our daughter coming home. It would be a reason for family to come together to support us as well as buy us gifts. This gives me anxiety, but I’m not sure why.

3. My partner feels this…disconnect from our daughter. (She is a trans woman) She feels that one baby was taken away, and another is being given back. I worry about this so much. How can I support her in this? Is this normal?

4. Through this whole experience, I want to help others in the future, when we are much more settled. Including the kids and the parents who are experiencing this and worse. I truly have no idea how to start this. Does anyone have any suggestions?

5. Does anyone know much about supervision orders?

Some thoughts in response.

From an adoptee regarding point #3 – They may feel this way because of the lost bonding time with the child in between. Did either of you have occasion to visit with the child while they were in temporary placement? It may help to fill the gap if you can view photographs and videos of the child from that missing period. However there may still be some cognitive dissonance there, and it will just be a matter of time and reforming your bonds. Therapy may also be very helpful here.

One adoptee with experience in foster care and also as a kinship parent writes – Trauma. That’s the answer to all of the above. That’s why you’re worried about it being snatched away. That’s why you feel uncomfortable accepting gifts or planning in advance. It’s also probably a lot of the reason your partner feels disconnected. Therapy. Therapy for you both individually, therapy together.. if possible. Things may change once the baby is back but it feels important to keep an eye on it because it is common to have attachment issues. I would recommend looking for a good therapist that specializes in reunification if possible, they may offer a sliding scale pricing. Communicate, communicate, communicate. It WILL rock your world adjusting to an 8 month old baby in the home. The sleep deprivation alone is a lot. I would take it a day at a time, as if the baby is a newborn again, and understand it won’t all be perfect at the beginning. Just because it’s hard doesn’t mean that you are not the best place for your baby. Plus regarding point # 4 – You can mentor others who are going or have been through this! You will have so much wisdom to share.

Another person has had similar experiences as a trans man – This could not help but create disruption. I had my kids removed briefly when they were toddlers (not from neglect or anything similar). He shares the reason – A family member of my ex, a trans woman, had concerns because we were both trans people and they thought it might “affect” the children. The children came back soon after, but it changed the way I parent. I was scared to let them go anywhere. While out of our care, they had cut my older son’s long hair (he loved it long and he told us they made him cut it). The boys both had nightmares that they’d be taken, etc. So, maybe your anxiety is from the fact that the people who took your kids, might be like the people in a crowd that you don’t know. He adds – offering support looks different in each situation. I guess something trans specific that I could share that some people don’t know is that you might have to adopt your own biological children to have normal rights. Just having your name on a birth certificate might not be enough, even if you’re the biological parent.

The issues are not so unusual these days, here is another one’s experience talking – my wife and I are both trans, and we were caregivers for a chosen family member’s child for a bit. We all had a terrible time, from people constantly mis-gendering us frequently, hurting the child in the process (like a random cashier that would say “your mom is so cool to be buying you xyz”), to some people being unable to fully hide their opinions about us or the chosen family solo parent or the child, all of us who were some flavor of trans/queer and mostly people of color. It’s absolutely trauma because people really are out there thinking we cannot be good parents or trusted caregivers, as if it’s not difficult enough already to navigate how our identities impact our parenting and how people treat our children differently. so much therapy for everyone. Because our kinship placement isn’t your side of this, but because we were also helping the kid’s adult, it gave us a perspective on what others might do to harm us… we lawyered up to double check our own estate planning for our kids and documents for the transphobia side of things (like having all vital records match everyone’s correct names/gender and having an official declaration of our parentage for our children, at least). Lastly maybe you and especially your wife might want to check out peer support groups for trans parents, there may be more community there than you might realize.

A mother of loss shares – I understand what your partner is saying with they took one baby away and gave another one back. A whole lot happens during that first eight months and it is a different baby coming back. It is important to grieve the baby that left and it’s normal to have to bond when the baby comes back. With the baby shower could there be some underlying embarrassment that they baby got taken? I had that with my family when I relinquished my baby. It is probably going to be an adjustment for sure and definitely going to be some anxiety. Therapy will help but communication and transparency between you and your partner is crucial at the end of the day you two are the only people that know what the situation feels like and are in it together. Really lean on one another.

What Would You Do?

When our sons were young, I used to worry about someone taking them away due to someone reporting that we were somehow negligent. Thankfully, it never happened. Today’s story asks the question – What would you do ? – to a situation that is upsetting this person.

We’ve lived in our apartment for almost a year. Our next door neighbors have two girls, I’d guess they’re about 2 and 4 years old. Babies. We’ve seen the kids outside and have never actually seen marks on them, but I’m listening to mom and dad absolutely terrorize these children on an almost daily basis. Violent, angry, frightening screams. Like, horrific. Cursing and threatening, slamming things, possibly hitting with the way the girls will shriek. It’s overwhelming, it scares me, and it devastates me to hear these little girls be treated like this. What would you do ? I know that 99% of the time Child Protective Services makes things worse for the kids, but… I don’t know. It’s emotional warfare over there at BEST, it’s a regular occurrence, and the parents seem to feel no remorse.

Some “informed” responses – considering what IS better ? One says “You report it. This isn’t a case of poverty. Suffering abuse is not better than living in foster care.” To which, another’s response is – “They’re more likely to suffer abuse in foster care.” And then this interesting and likely honest perspective – “When a kid, whose own parents abused him, has lost trust in adults. No further manipulation into silence necessary.” Yet another speaks to their own lived experience – “I wish I had been put into foster care compared to the abuse I endured at home. It’s not always true that foster care is worse.”

Then this interesting suggestion to “step back” – “I guess my first question would be how do you know what’s towards the children ? My oldest listens to a lot of music that may sound like people are screaming at each other. When they’re listening to it, they may hit their hand on the table or the wall. That’s just how they deal with their pain. Nobody’s being abused. That’s just how they cope. Probably from the outside looking in, it would sound like somebody is being abused.” The one who originally asks then admits – “I’m probably just going to keep trying to build a friendship with the mom. I know foster care can be horrific. The last thing I want to do is to put those little girls in a worse situation than they already are.” So it was suggested – “Can you babysit the kids to help relieve stress? Maybe you tell them you miss your niece or a cousin or kids used to babysit for etc. and you wouldn’t mind helping them?” The one who originally asked is appreciative – “I think that’s an incredible idea. I’ve spoken to the mom before about her relationship with the father when I witnessed him act aggressively towards her, I’m thinking I can work harder to develop a friendship with her and then see where I can help from there.”

Many people would feel a similar conflict – “That’s a hard one. I don’t know. Maybe find a way to have a causal conversation with them and ask if maybe they need some help with the kids ? Maybe they get overwhelmed and have no help ? But then again, hearing that, I don’t know if I would dare to get involved and have them think you’re sticking your nose in, where it doesn’t belong and just causes them to be more hateful. I don’t say that believing that’s what you’re doing, I’m trying to think from their perspective and what they might think and how they might react. (I’m an over thinker and tend to think of every scenario.) I just wouldn’t want to do anything to make it worse for the kids. Boy, that’s a hard situation.”

Ending it on this note from the original poster – “Most people who have never experienced the system are a bit quick to report any and everything. This isn’t about punishing the parents. Reunification / rehabilitation / support should be the point. There’s no easy black and white answer. These are two very real little lives that are going to be greatly impacted no matter what happens next. I’m asking for insight on what will do the least amount of damage.”

Nonverbal Learning Disabilities

Many of us learned by witnessing the effect of non-verbal learning disability in the reaction of Gov Tim Walz son while his dad was making his keynote speech this week at the Democratic National Convention. I saw it. What I noticed was how his mother and sister immediately supported him.

My youngest son was uncontrollably emotional when he was very young. So much so, that we avoided triggering a crying spell as much as possible. I do not believe he has this disability but my heart really does understand it. I am thankful he has outgrown that tendency.

All 3 of my guys are most likely Asperger syndrome people. They are very highly intelligent and quirky in their own ways. Probably also a bit OCD. Heck, I may be a bit of all of that myself. LOL

My youngest is also my love bug and would often console me when his older brother upset me with I ❤ U notes to put against my chest. He still prefers a peaceful environment and not upset.

In a cruel shameless fashion some far right persons issued critical comments about Gus and his emotional love for his dad. I’ve seen my own husband tear up with something emotional really touched his heart. I’ve always thought that beautiful.

Because I am familiar with certain quirky personality traits in my own home, I went looking for more information about NVLD. If you would like to know more, here is a link to get you started – LINK>Possible Signs of NVLD.

Seeking To Do Better

An adoptee with a challenging start in life but having done a lot of work to heal herself writes today – My mother was adopted at birth, and raised by a mom with substance abuse and alcohol use disorder. She suffered the same, and then I was adopted at age 8 and grew up in poverty before adoption and my adoptive parents used to tell me I should not have kids. Then because of all that I struggled with substance abuse disorder alcohol use etc, and human trafficking.

Now, I have been drug-free since 2015 and alcohol-free since 2019, went to college and graduated in behavioral science. I am in a very stable environment, have done a lot of healing, and am about to get married. We are family planning responsibly. We are both employed, college educated, etc, basically, everything I didn’t have growing up…. but my marriage also propelled me into a financial class I did not grow up in. Money does not buy parenting skills.

I just started therapy as well to get ahead of the game, but I am worried I will be a bad parent because of how I grew up. All those parenting classes and nurse family programs I see are only for low-income families. I think there is an assumption in the “parenting class” industry that only low-income people need to learn about how to be good parents. She asks – Is there some type of support group for parents with familial trauma, or anything like that ? just to have people to check in with ?

One adoptee shared encouragement – I think the fact that you’re concerned you’ll be a bad parent and have identified reasons why puts you ahead of the game. Awareness is huge. I’m a parent. I was emotionally mistreated by my mom. A lot of my parenting ability comes from treating my child in a way that I needed to be treated at that age, while also recognizing that my child isn’t me. Understanding that behavior is a form of communication is important too. Kids don’t need much. They need love and support. They need to be heard without judgement. They need structure and boundaries and clear expectations. They’re humans in small bodies and can understand much more than most people give credit for. It’s the easiest/hardest job. You got this!

As a resource, one suggests this – look into the LINK>Safe and Sound Protocol (SSP) – Parent Info Forum. Its a music protocol that helps with emotional regulation as well as CPTSD and Dissociation. Life changing for my parenting game and in general, I was adopted from foster care at 12 with a history of complex trauma. I have 5 kids now !

An adoptive parent notes – Advice columnist LINK>Carolyn Hax in the Washington Post often recommends parenting classes in her live chats, and her column is read by people at all income levels. There are definitely some very wealthy terrible parents out there. It sounds like you have worked really hard to get to a good place. That says a lot about you. If you want to have kids, then do the classes and workshops (some may be available online), read parenting books, maybe read about trauma (if you haven’t already). In fact, a lot of books about parenting children from tough places actually help the reader/parent too. If you decide at some point that you don’t want to be a parent, that is a perfectly valid decision. But you are doing the work to heal yourself and if you have kids, I’m sure you’ll be a great parent.

Here is a list of some of the books she has read that helped her as a parent and human being. [1] Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors-Robyn Gobbel, [2] What Happened to You-Oprah Winfrey and Bruce D. Perry, [3] The Connected Child – Karyn B. Purvis, David R Cross, [4] The Explosive Child – Dr. Ross W. Greene, [5] Help for Billy-Heather T. Forbes and [6] The Body Keeps the Score – Bessel A. van der Kolk (blogger’s note – in fact, he is featured in the most recent issue of Time Magazine – LINK>Why People Still Misunderstand Trauma.)

A kinship adoptive parent offered more encouragement – Bad parenting is not a class/wealth problem. Everything I’ve learned about discipline boils down to “do the opposite of what my parents did,” and lots of people looked to them for advice because everyone who didn’t live with them thought very highly of them. If you want to have kids, don’t limit yourself by your adoptive parents’ issues. You can get therapy, take parenting classes, etc. and be a super awesome parent.

Another noted – You are aware and will stop the generational trauma. You will do great.

An adoptee who became an adoptive parent writes – I did LINK>Circle of Security. It was great and it’s been very helpful to help me understand how my trauma (not from adoption) plays into and against my child’s.

One adoptee explains their reasoning regarding choosing not to become a parent – Many reasons, of course, but a big one was my lack of family support that others could count on. I was adopted shortly after birth but my adoptive family was garbage and my adoptive parents were both dead by the time I was 30, after which the extended family ghosted me. I would have had no trusted people to help me care for my child. So I definitely get it. I hope you’re able to find the kind of help you’re seeking and, yeah, parenting classes focusing on family trauma/loss would benefit a whole lot of of people.

An adoptive parent added a couple of additional resources…LINK>The Connected Parent by Karyn Purvis and Lisa Qualls. And on Instagram, Gottman institute has links to resources/classes they offer. And also on Instagram, Raising Yourself. (blogger’s note – I don’t “do” Instagram, so you are on your own there.)

One person added – I would strongly consider LINK>Mommy and Me or other similar parenting support groups. Classes are great and all, but you can learn a lot from being with other parents. When watching others, you can generally get a feeling for what’s right and what’s not (making excuses for your child when they hit someone is not ok, and neither is hitting the child) and what is better (listening to the child’s feelings and validating how big it is even if you don’t necessarily give in is pro parenting). Watching others can tell you a lot about what to do and a lot about what not to do, plus you’ll get other adult/parent interaction out of the deal…which is kind of hard to get as a new parent.

One person sums up “the ultimate goal” is to remember to be a basically genuine presence with your child (that exact person), switching to their perspective when necessary, and to have love, respect and protection always at the forefront, no matter what parenting style you choose or the specific parent/child relationship you have.

Trying To Avoid Negativity

Today’s story from an adoptive parent – our five year old boy was adopted in infancy. We have a great relationship with his biological mom and his siblings (who were adopted out of foster care by a different family). I’m specifically seeking advice on how to talk to him about his dad. Both parents have been involved with the criminal (in)justice system, and suffer from substance use disorder. I am absolutely not of the opinion that those things make them unsafe or unfit for their children to be around them, that’s why we have such a close relationship with his mom. However, we’ve never met dad. His history is filled with lots of violent and erratic behavior, and for context purposes I’ll say it’s been as severe as attempted murder. Mom has had to go into hiding because of his threats and physical abuse.

My biggest conflict here is that I never want to paint his parents in a bad light, especially given my own position as his adoptive parent. I want to talk about his dad in the most honest but respectful way possible, but the reality is that it he may never meet him and I don’t actually have any positive stories to share. His mom doesn’t bring him up much, but I don’t think treating it as if the dad doesn’t exist is the right answer on my part. I would love advice from adoptees and FFY on ways that I can talk about his dad without overstepping my own role and inserting any personal feelings into my language. Basically, how to best navigate being honest and open without being negative.

An adoptee who’s biological father also had substance use issues suggests – I think you just tell the truth without using scary graphic images, staying age-appropriate. And connect with Dad’s extended family as much as possible.

Another person answering from the position of a parent of young kids, suggests – I relate this to the common parenting advice you see today about teaching kids about “tricky people.” In your shoes I would talk about how even people who love us can be tricky people, and elaborate from there in age appropriate ways.

Nature vs Nurture

The debate comes up frequently in adoption related discussions. A comment made by an adoptee to an adoptive parent went something like this – It’s a nice concept to pretend they don’t have an entire family out there, one that helps avoid hard truths about nurture vs nature. It’s not as black and white as erasing an entire person’s identity and history. We do make exceptional feel-good clickbait, though.

(blogger’s note – with two adoptees as my parents, I grew up thinking they were orphans and didn’t have genetic biological families out there – I discovered how uninformed I had been, when I started uncovering the stories and sometimes descendants of my genetic biological grandparents.)

The adoptive parent pushed back – I’ve never pretended anything. Never hid from them that they were adopted. Gave them all the information they needed to contact their birth families when they were old enough.

The adoptee responded – you’re doing it here, sharing it as if it’s yours and perpetuating the concept of ownership. You’re apparently aware of at least some of the trauma in not having natural family connection, yet you sold it in your very public comment as though they have no other family but yours.

That’s a harmful and misleading Disney spin on what is actually a Grimm’s Fairytale. Kids can have the most wonderful parents and still suffer the trauma that automatically comes with adoption and you sell it like rainbows and fairytales on their behalf.

You may feel like they’re your kids, but I guarantee, at times, they feel “other”. And they will throughout life. That’s nothing you did – that’s adoption. This narrative is keeping the demand for resources at zero and the demand for buying babies at an all- time high.

Adoptive parent’s reply – I’m well aware of the trauma and complications involved in adoption. I’ve never pretended my life is a fairy tale. Our lives are hard. I’ve never hidden that from anyone. All my message was meant to convey was that me not having given birth still seems “less then” in our society. Judged for not having children. Saying that they’re all mine is not about ownership but about the Mother/Child relationship that is valid.

The adoptee notes – Adoption is supposed to be about the kids but it’s really about infertility and the adoptive mother.

The adoptive mother tries to clarify the situation from her point of view – I won’t hide the fact that I support adoption. Suffice it to say that if we didn’t adopt them, someone else would’ve or they would’ve spent their childhood in foster homes. It’s not about me. It is about people’s lack of respect for the non-traditional parent and people who don’t have children. Your story may be hard but you don’t represent all adoptees just as I don’t represent all adoptive parents.

The adoptee wasn’t finished by that – there it is, the entitlement underneath all of it. You would believe that every one of the relatives are an absolute failure and could not possibly have been helped to parent any of the children and thank God (and you of course) saved them. You support and encourage more ripping apart of families, kids placed in the system so long as people like you get to say they have at least one family, eventually. You do speak like most adoptive parents. I speak like most adoptees do in private, away from the fragile people we have to keep pretending with – the adoptive families who can’t handle the truth they made us handle as children and continue to make us handle.

Someone commented after the adoptee shared all that – This was a master class and I feel so sure she won’t learn.

The adoptee said that was true – She became condescending and went and got her 19 year old adopted son to tell her I was wrong and they’re all fine, which she then had to come back and tell me, just to underscore her belief that my perspective is a minority one.

Denigrating An Important Woman

This term “birth giver” was a new one to me. I feel squeamish just seeing this. I have seen some adoptees call their biological father their sperm donor, that troubles me too. Separating families cause a lot of issues for the children thus impacted.

Language matters. There has been a lot written about the term – birth mother. Some prefer first mother or natural mother. There may be others that have been suggested. It is often said that the woman who carries and gives birth to a child is that child’s mother – period. I will often be more precise in identifying those in my own familial situation as biological, genetic parents or adoptive grandparents including adoptive relatives, due to both of my parents having been adopted as babies.

When I was growing up, it was considered somewhat disrespectful to call your mother your “old lady” (even if she was – old). Same was sometimes said of a father – my old man. The meaning of certain words does change with time and cultural impacts. Sometimes, the meaning of phrases becomes convoluted. That certainly happened during my youth. As words appear and disappear, it can be difficult to establish definitive explanations. Vocabulary speaks of values, customs and ideals but the words are constantly changing and it can be difficult to keep up with what is intended by a word.

It is true that a newborn certainly has no connection to whatever name their biological parent wrote down (if they even had a chance before adoptive parents swooped in to take the baby). A name is not truly part of one’s heritage, though it can be indicative, or more accurately their DNA. Many adoptees DO care about whatever their genetic, biological parent wanted to name them. Often, that is not something that they may ever discover because the adoptive parents almost always change the name of the child they are adopting.

Another Kind Of CPS

I have mentioned CPS (Child Protective Services) frequently in this blog. They are part of the government that removes children from what are deemed unsafe environments. I have documented frequently that their actions are not always as sterling as most citizens might believe.

Today, it was suggested that I take a look at LINK>Dr Ross Greene who is a clinical psychologist. He has been working with children and families for over 30 years. His influential work is widely known throughout the world.

In the perspectives of Dr Greene, CPS stands for LINK>Collaborative & Proactive Solutions. Many adoptive parents find themselves dealing with a traumatized adoptee who exhibits challenging behaviors. This is probably one of the main reasons that hopeful adoptive parents prefer to adopt an infant who may present less already baked in behaviors.

Dr Greene choses not to emphasize the kids’ challenging behaviors – whether it’s whining, pouting, sulking, withdrawing, crying, screaming, swearing, hitting, spitting, biting, or worse. He prefers to look at how they’re expressing the fact that there are expectations they’re having difficulty meeting. In the CPS model, those unmet expectations are referred to as unsolved problems. The goal is to solve those problems, rather than trying to modify the child’s behavior by using rewards and punishments.

The goal in CPS is to foster a problem-solving, collaborative partnership between adults and kids by engaging kids in solving the problems that affect their lives. The CPS model is non-punitive and non-adversarial. This decreases the likelihood of conflict, enhances relationships and improves communication within the family.

The skills developed include empathy, appreciating how one’s behavior is affecting others, resolving disagreements in ways that do not involve conflict, taking another’s perspective, and honesty. His book LINK>Raising Human Beings details how to create a collaborative partnership with your child.

Just Want It To End

THC Gummies look like candy.

Today’s story is from an adoptee who is also a mom (and it isn’t me) –

In February, an incident happened in my home while my ex husband was watching our kids and I was out with friends for the first time in almost half a decade. In that situation, 2 of my kids had to go to the hospital for ingesting THC gummies, from there Child Protective Services (CPS) was called and they took all 4 of my kids. I am still fighting it all to this day. Luckily, all of them are with family or close friends. My older two are with their grandma, my 3rd is with her god mom and my 4th is with her god mom.

My 4th, I didn’t parent as I should have. She was with her god mom 5 days a week, overnight too because I was made to work a god awful shift of 11am-9pm everyday, so by the time I was off, #4 was asleep and I didn’t want to disturb her.

Today my 4th baby is one.

During the CPS case, I’ve been pressured to give #4 up for adoption to her godparents. I thought I was doing the right thing since everyone around me kept saying how “selfless” I am for this choice after being talked into it. That it would be better for my baby since she loves them so much, knows their routine with her, and she “knows them as her mom and dad”.

I don’t want this.

I have thought this over and over. Judge gave them full custody already in April. They’ve paid almost 10k already into this adoption, I feel horrible for making them waste SO much money. But I do not want this and I don’t know what to do.

I guess this was more venting than anything, or if anyone has been in anything similar? I feel hopeless, and with a CPS case on me already, I don’t know if there is even a chance of my being able to get my baby back.

I’m not an awful mom. I have done absolutely everything the social worker has told me to do, I just want this all to end. I want all of my babies home and now I might only get 3 home instead of all 4.

blogger’s note – though these are unique and not necessarily likely to happen to anyone, the story is a cautionary note about what can happen. I do consume 1/2 of a 10mg edible as my “sippy hour” each evening. While it doesn’t directly “cure” my constant joint and muscle aches, it does distract my mind from them. Though I have 2 young adult sons who their father has made aware that I do this, I am very discrete and control access in a non visible location. My sons are too old now for me to worry about CPS and I have great compassion for any person who has to work such extreme hours just to get by.

One mother of loss had this to suggest – Fight it to the bitter end! Do NOT give up! At least if you fail in this regard, one day your child will know you fought for her! Also, do NOT feel guilty! You did not ask them to invest all of that $ into trying to take your child!

If anyone uses the attachment your child has to them as an excuse for them to keep her then suggest a transition period back to you – then they have no excuse for her to not go back to you! Tell whoever is in charge you are willing do whatever it takes to get your child back whether it is therapeutic visits, supervised visits, and/or parenting classes, etc., during the transition back to you.

I would then find someone else to watch her while you work after you get her back so you don’t ever risk anything like that again with them.

Please do not give up! You will regret giving up (most likely the rest of your life), but you won’t regret fighting to keep her!