Trans and Adopted

I will admit that I don’t have a solution other than the “acceptance” in my image as I have not had to respond to an issue of this kind so far in my lifetime. I do know someone who did a great job of handling this with grace that I deeply admire. Today’s story from an adoptive mother (not my own story) –

What do you do when a kid’s mom is transphobic, and that kid wants a relationship with their mom more than anything? Mom refuses to talk on the phone but will usually respond to Facebook messages, which aren’t frequent at child’s choice. Child wants more contact but also knows mom doesn’t accept her and it’s a constant balancing act I think.

Mom’s Facebook got hacked and I had to locate her new one. She had unfriended me (but would still message) – so, I felt conflicted about finding her because I wasn’t sure she wanted to be found. Child wanted to send her a Mother’s Day message. It was the first time we had reached out since she got a new Facebook.

Mom responded (it’s been at least a year since the last contact) and says thank you and she loves and misses her but she will never accept her as a girl and she will always be her son.

I’m ashamed to admit I went off. I could not believe this was what she had to say after so long without contact and I know daughter is going to be gutted. She’s been asking all day, if her mom responded and I can’t face her right now. I apologized to her mom and said I don’t want to fight, that we envisioned a life of lots of visits and summers spent with her and daughter is so upset mom refuses to talk to her and is going to be completely devastated when I read her the message.

The bottom line is that mom should never have lost her daughter, and when I found mom and heard her story (post adoption, agency said they couldn’t locate mom and I read something about names being spelled wrong on birth certificates which allowed me to finally find mom) I was all for working towards reunification. But that’s never even be on the table because of the transphobia.

I find myself continually wanting to convince mom she’s being ridiculous (transphobia is so far from our reality in our progressive bubble that I literally cannot wrap my head around it, we didn’t even blink when daughter came out), but I also know she’s a victim of this situation.

Questions – How do I tell daughter her mom’s response? (She has an adoption competent therapist who is also LGTBQ+ competent). How do I help daughter balance this? I want to support her relationship with mom and I’m also so angry at mom for letting this come between her and the child that was taken from her.

An adoptee responds – I have to question whether information is missing here.

“I’m ashamed to admit I went off.” — what does this mean? It is a balancing act when you are dealing with prejudiced people but actions that cause tension between the child and its natural parent(s) do not happen in a vacuum. When the original poster doesn’t voluntarily own up to how they went off in the post, I also have to question other details. Why did the birth mother unfriend the adoptive mother on Facebook? What is this adopter saying about the child’s first mother ?

“[She] is going to be completely devastated when I read her the message.” The adoptee asks – Is the adoptive mother going to read the message(s) she sent berating the original mother ? Let’s be honest, I doubt it. Also, why even read the message in the first place ? The message is a response to a conflict with the adoptive mother, not a rejection letter addressed to the adopted person.

It is unfair to the child that their original is prejudiced against trans people. It is just as, if not more, unfair to the child that the adoptive mother seems to be self-victimizing, rather than self reflecting. “Poor me, I got unfriended on Facebook ! I don’t know how I’m going to tell this child how awful her birth mother is ! I envisioned a life of lots of visits !”

This kid’s transition seems to have came as a surprise to her first mother. The fact that she is upset about a gender transition taking place COULD be coming from a a place of prejudice. (It probably is, at least to some extent.) It also COULD be coming from a place of being blindsided. One day her kid is gone, the next day her kid is a different person. The adopters “don’t even blink” when this transition happens, probably because in some ways they see it coming. Now her kid is gone and on top of that appears to be a completely different person. Why should she be expected to adjust to such a massive change so quickly? In her eyes, she lost a little boy and will never get him back now — even if she comes to accept the child’s gender identity. Maybe this kid is the first trans person her first mother has ever known and it just takes time for her to accept the child’s identity.

I am not saying any of this to rationalize or justify transphobia. I am saying that the adoptive mother needs to look at this situation contextually. To understand the first mother is a human, living in different circumstances and engaging in different social circles. To get someone to see the “progressive” side of an issue, the answer is not to berate them for not understanding things the way you do. Maybe you have been exposed to different people and ideas that her first mother hasn’t been exposed to as quickly, if at all. Maybe her first mother would’ve been more accepting of her child’s transition had the child been with her all along. Maybe not. In either case, this adoptive mother should be probably be in therapy herself, if she are not already. There is much more to this issue, I believe, than they’re willing to admit to themselves. At the very least, this is not strictly a transphobia issue.

I think it is an awful idea for this adopted person and her original mother to continue communicating through an intermediary. This has clearly rubbed her mother the wrong way, fair or unfair. Her original mother probably would not be communicating the way she’s presently communicating (even if the transphobia remains) when communicating directly with the adopted person. A hostile message sent to an intermediary in the midst of conflict is not a letter of rejection addressed to the adopted person. This adopted person deserves the ability to speak directly with her original mother and get it straight from her. Even if she receives a direct, bigoted rejection, that would bring resolution in the long run, even if it caused more short-term pain. When you get a “rejection” through intermediaries (and I put this in quotes because again, the original mother’s message was sent to the adoptive mother, not the child), there are always questions of whether the rejector would say these things to your face. Whether details are embellished to villainize or paint people in a better light. Clarity is only achieved through direct communication.

Doesn’t Care Whatsoever

An adoptive mother writes – my son has had a very strained relationship with his first mother. He has asked her not to contact him and she has repeatedly done so. She recently reached out again and it upset him quite a bit. He messaged her again, telling her to leave him alone and let him move on. I’m afraid for him in the future, if all this blocking on social media occurs, what happens if he changes his mind in the future ? I want to help keep the lines of communication open, so that he can be free to contact her, if he wants to in the future. I really don’t want to block anyone. What would you do in this situation ? I don’t want to force him to be uncomfortable or have to have contact, but I also don’t want those doors to get closed.

An adoptee suggests – I would get your adopted son an adoption informed therapist. I would also examine how your attitude and foundational thought framework shapes how your son views and deals with this situation. I would 100% support your adopted son’s own autonomy on who he chooses to spend his time with and even block. That being said, his request and expectation for you to block her feels off. I believe you can demonstrate healthy boundaries for yourself and as an adult that can see and consider the big picture and as a leader that doesn’t require completely cutting someone out you feel is important to be there or have a door open at some point. To me, it’s an exercise of bad boundary expectations and supporting an unhealthy control issue to expect for you to do so. I think you can respect and support your adopted son’s wish for him to block and not have contact, but I think you can assert your own mature boundaries that don’t involve the consequences of what blocking does and communicates. You blocking demonstrates you dropping down a middle school immaturity level with your own affairs. It makes sense for your son to act like a middle schooler, because he is. You are not.

Another adoptee writes – I don’t want to hear from my mom and she uses other people to get to me. It’s hard enough without being triangulated on top of everything. Listen to him. Don’t engage with her. Say exactly what you said here, you don’t want to close the door permanently but he needs space right now and you’re going to respect his wishes. Leave it at that until further notice. Your loyalty is to him, not to her. Not everyone wants a relationship with their biological parent.

Would This Be Confusing ?

Today’s question – I’ve gathered two different takes on what adoptees should call natural parents when they’re little (like too early to understand adoption, understand relationships, and decide for themselves what name they’d like to use for their adoptive and their natural parents). I’ve read that should our little call us and his first parents “Mommy/Daddy”, that it can cause confusion. I’ve also read that that idea is absolutely unfounded. We all truly want to do this right and don’t know which path to take. Natural mom is in the same boat as me (just wanting to make sure we do this as best as we can for our son), Natural dad wants mommy/daddy. That’s what he calls myself and my husband (at the moment. It’s changed a lot over the last year!) so we would all end up as mommy and daddy. I should add that he’s two and he does see his natural parents monthly. We plan to be very open and honest with him, age appropriate, so we are definitely not trying to hide anything. I would appreciate suggestions from anyone in here, but I really want to hear from adoptees who also were able to maintain an open relationship with first parents from a young age. Did the same labels cause confusion? What worked best for you?

An adoptee asks the obvious question – why can’t more than one person hold a title of Mom/Mommy or Dad/Daddy ? I have multiple Grandmas and Grandpas but was never confused. Same sex families also seem to have no trouble finding variations of Mom/Mama/Mum/Mummy/Mommy. Personally I think a lot of those books are written by other adoptive parents who are just desperate to claim any title they feel should belong to them.

Another adoptee answers similarly – I feel like it is extremely common for adopters to use “the labels are confusing !” as a cop out. If a child can understand they have 2 dads (and zero moms), then an adoptee can understand they have multiple moms/multiple dads etc, whatever the configuration may be. Adoptees do not exclusively belong to one set of parents. I hate the term natural parents, I hate “birth parents” much more. I wish adopters would just abandon their fragility and say “your other mom” or even just “your mom” when referencing the natural mother. If the kid is confused, then explain ! Labels are not confusing. If an adoptee is confused about which parents are which, the adopters are not explaining things as clearly as they need to be explaining them. Using the “confusing labels” cop out is just a way to give natural parents labels that carve out their parenthood, as a way of propping up the adopters above them, all disguised as concern for the adoptee.

An international adoptee makes the point – My first mom has always been mom. My first dad has always been dad. I hate my first parents a lot, but I will always call them my parents. That’s what feels right. My adoptive parents are my American parents. Labels are not confusing. You could use names too. Like “Mommy Sally”, “Mommy Tina”, “Daddy Bill”, “Daddy Tom.” Just to differentiate exactly who you’re talking about. But I do hate the term natural and birth parents. Adoption does not erase who our parents are and our true origin, despite having to be raised outside of our own family.

I found this answer timely – The only issue I’ve ever come across about differentiating between my “moms” (I have 3 and called them all mom) Is when I’m talking to other people and reference “my mom”. I know which one I am talking about, but other people need clarification regarding “which mom” OR if they don’t know me well, they just assume I’ve been talking about only one person, instead of multiple moms.

One mother who lost her child to adoption makes this point – From the start – you are not the child’s mother – you are the adoptive mom. Never forget that. Make certain the child knows this as well. (Age appropriate). Further, teach the child to be free to introduce you (if desired) as “my adoptive mom” – that is what you are. The conversation can go on to reference – “my mother lives ______ and I see her often”. Your adopted child is young. Titles may change over time.

Good point from an adoptive mother – both of you can be Mom and Dad. If it bothers you to call them that , then you really need to look in the mirror and reflect why that bothers you. My daughter has 2 mom’s and 2 dad’s. She is 9 now and if you ask her, that is what she will say because when we speak about her parents, they are Mom and Dad. Let the child choose on their own and refer to them as Mom and Dad.

Another adoptive mother shares her experience – My 7 yo calls both me and her mom Mom/Mommy/Mama. At first, it was Mommy First Name – then we quickly moved to just Mommy. We tried to have Mama for one and Mommy for the other but ended up just smooshing all together because she naturally uses all of these. Context and clarify as needed work. If I could go back, I might have made myself First Name, but still not sure. Definitely follow the child’s lead…. Also, I am moving in the direction of the comment about transitioning back to the biological family. It seems more complicated with an older child (at least, I think so) and I really appreciate someone saying it and keeping the pressure on adoptive parents to really ask ourselves – what’s in the best interest of the child, not just what’s best for us /“our family”. … I am genuinely working on it.

One adoptee tries this – What is so confusing? nothing is confusing. We are adopted, we have 2 sets of mom/dad. This is just our reality. Why is this even a question ? Lots of families have more than one mom/dad outside of adoption. This is a non-issue question. Stop overthinking it. Your child has 2 sets of parents and that’s as simple as it is.

A kinship guardian notes – Kids are smarter than most people give them credit for. They rarely find their own situation confusing. It’s other adults who do.

An adoptee notes – A lot of people have their own agenda where advice about adoption is concerned and it’s rarely about what is best for the child. It’s not “confusing” to have 4 people whom you consider parents, so long as people act normal about it. What confuses us is being forced or pressured to choose what the adults want. Always ask yourselves if you are expecting the child to manage your feelings or social standing. Because seriously a lot of adoptive and natural parents seem more worried about how other adults see them, than if the kids are okay. You won’t die from embarrassment because your child calls someone else Mommy in public.

One other experience from an adoptive parent – titles change as they age. My adopted daughter who’s almost 6, currently refuses to call her mom and dad by those titles, just their 1st names. It’s too hard for her to process it, she shuts down. Anytime we try to talk about her parents and family, she shuts it down. I know that will change as she gets older but for now that’s where we’re at. Even when she was smaller, during visits if they used those names, she’d want to leave and was done. It’s not that she’s confused, it’s that she’s hurting and those emotions are so big and hard. It’s easier for now not to talk about it.

Changing Perspectives

A woman writes – I am a foster parent/almost an adoptive parent. I am adopting my two foster kids in a few weeks. As I’ve been thinking about what comes next, I am really drawn to turning in my foster license and joining LINK>Safe Families for Children as a host family. I would really like to support natural parents and family preservation by helping families in crisis. However I’m wondering how that will impact my adopted kids? Would doing this potentially be traumatic for them? I don’t want to do anything that introduces more trauma unnecessarily.

Some responses – a lot of them wanted her to “just focus on the kids you’re adopting.” An adoptee asks – “Why do you need to split your attention and not focus fully on the children currently in your care They should be your main and only priority at this point, especially if you’re adopting them. If you want to support family preservation efforts, I’d do so with dollars. Give money to organizations that actively work to keep families out of the system to begin with.”

One foster parent admitted – “I would worry a little that they might resent the fact you didn’t do this for their natural parents. The kids could be hurt that their adoptive mom is helping others to keep their kids. I just think this is going to be another major trauma to her littles in the long run. They can be told all day long that their natural parents were not good for them, but seeing their adoptive parent help others keep their kids is still going to hurt them in the long run; how could it not ?”

Another sees the idea differently – Speaking from experience, I can tell you, there is no one who understands another kid in “care” like another kid in “care”. We have adopted, then fostered, and then did safe families and because this was our joint family mission, it worked great ! Make sure you are always on the same page before saying yes to a placement, take breaks when someone needs it and be flexible. Safe families is short term and a fantastic family mission.

Another with similar experience shares – Safe Families is structured to have many different volunteer opportunities…you don’t have to host…you can be a coach or a family friend…those positions don’t require having other kids in your home…My adoptive daughter thinks I am going to “get rid of her” every time a kiddo leaves our home…so we have decided to only take on parenting teens moving forward and give them the opportunity to age out with our children in their life … changing my role to be more of a model/guide, while still being able to help vulnerable families…I do respite for safe families and maintain contact with children and their parents and continue to support, even after they are fully home…you can still help and also not have your kids go through any additional trauma.

One pediatric psychologist asked – “How old are the kids you’re planning to adopt ?” Then, noted – “I would recommend involving them in the decision and honoring whatever feelings they have about it. Consent is super important and unfortunately foster children’s consent is historically non-existent.”

Violating Boundaries

I’ve been guilty, even when trying not to violate them. Today’s story from an adoptive mother – I am wondering how to best respect my kid’s wishes without cutting her mom off. She’s 9. Her mom really loves her and wants pictures and updates “whenever”. I’ll ask my kid if it’s okay if I send a photo to her mom after we’ve taken it and she’ll almost always say no. I don’t want to ignore her wishes and send the pictures without asking or against her wishes, but I don’t want her mom to feel cut off when she’s not getting any photos or updates for awhile. The other thing is that her mom almost never reaches out for updates but is always happy to receive them. I’m trying to do what I can to help them both. Thoughts?

A kinship adoptive mother replies – I agree with those who’ve said not to send them. I have custody of a 16yo who’s lived with me for almost 2.5 years. Recently when angry, she blurted out that she hates me sharing her whole life on Facebook. That comment made me realize I’d never asked her permission to make FB posts about her and her accomplishments, etc. Of course, my first thought was – Well geez. I’m just proud of you, want to make sure your family members can see you grow, etc. In my head, I had a million good reasons for why I was doing what I do. But ultimately in the end, it makes her uncomfortable and I violated her boundaries without even realizing I was doing anything wrong. So a big apology ensued and I no longer post anything about her on social media. If she wants someone to see something or know something she can share it herself. Definitely respect your daughters’ boundaries and let her have the final say.

The first one was convinced – Will definitely continue respecting her wishes and see if we can facilitate different means of connection with her mom.

Questions for Kinship Caretakers

As a kinship adoptive parent, I have some questions. If you don’t mind, would you please answer one or more of the following questions. If you do elect to answer, know that I greatly appreciate the time and emotional energy you have given to share your information. Thank you for your time.

Who was your kinship caretaker (grandparent, aunt, cousin, family friend etc). Did you stay in one kinship home, multiple kinship homes, started kinship went to foster home etc.
If you were in a foster home while your kinship caretaker was getting approved, what that like for you as a child? Did you know family was attempting to have you placed with them? Did foster families attempt to block you from being placed with family/Fictive kin? Did foster families attempt to separate siblings to meet their desires?
What are some things you wish your kinship caretaker had done for you? What are things you wish they had not done?
What are things you would have liked said to you during your time with a kinship caretaker? What are things a kinship caretaker should be telling the children currently in their care?
What is something that was said/done that sticks with you from your time with your kinship caretaker?
What do you want current kinship caretakers to know about communication with a child and their parents? If court/social worker has ordered limited contact/communication, what can a kinship caretaker do that would not break a court order but still support the communication for a child in their care?
What would you want current kinship caretakers to know? How could kinship care be improved?
If you could speak with state representatives who create laws and policies around kinship care, what would you say? What do they need to know?

One kinship adoptee responds – I’m not going to answer all of the questions but I wanna make 1 thing clear, NEVER talk bad about the biological parents! I was adopted by my maternal half aunt. My mom needed help, she asked her half sister for help, so that she could get back on her feet. When she came back to get me, they treated her like dirt and made her leave. She was pregnant again and they made her feel bad, so she did leave me in their care and they got guardianship over me. For as long as I can remember, they’ve talked bad about my mom. She lived in a rough city, drugs, a mean person, lots of stuff you should never tell a child. I was adopted around the age of 8. My aunt treated me like crap and made it clear her daughter was her favorite and I was nothing more than a niece, even though I called her “mom”. She h@ted my biological mom. My mom overdosed in 2017, I was pregnant at the time and had been in contact with her prior to that. She wasn’t a bad person, she just chose to do things as she felt she had no choice. Her mom passed with heart failure when she was 8 and no one in the family helped her after that, except to take me. At times, I wonder if they had actually helped her, maybe she’d still be here and I would have grown up with her. My life would’ve been better and happier.

One former foster care youth answered 2 and 3 –

2. My experience with my prior placements was mixed. My first placement was okay, my foster mother was a very kind person from what I knew, but it was all very scary because I wasn’t in a placement with all of my siblings and it’s kind of a blur to be honest. I was terrified and felt more out of control than ever without knowing where my siblings were, and having no way to contact them was really hard as well.

My second foster home wasn’t great but it wasn’t terrible either. Foster mom burned a cigarette on me and accused me of sleeping with her husband lmao. (I didn’t, just in case anyone is wondering.) Child services worked fast and after my placement with that family they lost their license and are no longer permitted to foster or adopt.

I did know that I was going to be placed with my kinship foster parent. I was the one who requested it after my separation from my family. I was 15 at the time and the oldest of my 4 siblings.

My youngest sibling was in a placement alone, she was only one month old. Her foster parents attempted to move forward with adoption. At that point she had only been with them for a couple weeks, so they were essentially trying to separate her from the rest of her family. They were unsuccessful thankfully.

3. Honestly I do feel like despite their shortcomings, my kinship foster parents really did try. They seemed to have good intentions but they were misguided and ill prepared to say the least. I wish they had thought more about it, choosing to foster my siblings and I. I’m thankful to them for doing it, but if you can’t handle that kind of responsibility you shouldn’t take it on. In the end it made me feel like nothing short of a burden and a waste of precious time that I didn’t deserve staying with them.

I wish they loved me like I wanted them to. I wish they had the patience, or the time. I wish they tried harder, not to be “perfect parents” but to be good listeners.

I wish they didn’t assume my traumas because they took parenting classes, and did the bare minimum learning about trauma. I wish they didn’t push me out of my siblings lives because they disagree with my lifestyle (I’m a queer woman. I would understand if I was struggling with something that wouldn’t be safe or healthy for my siblings, but I’m literally just queer and they hate me for it so.)

Also # 7 – I want kinship caretakers to know how important it is to not be discouraged by learning curves. The youth in your care will pick up on it. We all know that these situations can be tough to navigate. And it’s okay to be human, to make mistakes. It’s okay to slip up, and it’s going to happen a lot. But don’t let that be the children’s problem. If you slip up, make it known and apologize. Ask the youth in your care about how they feel, what they think, and how you might be able to help them. Communicate your views with them to the best of your ability, in an age appropriate way of course. But don’t ever overstep their boundaries unless it is absolutely necessary.

Same-Sex Couple Dilemmas

Not who wrote it – just a representative photo.

Today, I read this post – I’m currently a 4th year doctoral candidate and I study family communication specifically on the intersection of family, adoption, and race. So, the intricacies of adoption and fostering are definitely not lost on me. Everyone asks if we’re “considering adoption” and it’s made me realize more and more that I don’t even accept the thought of adopting. I’m also trying to work through the complexity of possibly not being able to birth children and not adopting while still wanting to be a parent.

A queer adoptee answers – I can’t do that to another child. I can’t put another child thru that willingly. So instead, going back to school to be Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and work with those in adoption/first parents/adoptive parents. But I cannot put another child thru that in good conscience.

Another said similarly – I have talked to a lot of same sex couple about adoption and many of them have changed their minds after talking to me.

Yet another adoptee notes – I wish this had been the case for me. I lost a friend who mattered a lot to me because he is gay and feels that his only path to parenthood was adoption. He centered himself so much and even years later, he occasionally makes a post tagging me to poke at my adoptee status and how “wrong” I am. The previous one just above responded – I think I’ve gotten lucky. I’ve been pretty loud and active in my local community with not just family separation stuff but other issues too. I think that has helped with people actually listening to me.

Another who is an infant adoptee and late realized queer says – I have major anger at how society conceives children and parenthood through a heteronormative and parent-focused lens. Adoption and anonymous donor conception and surrogacy are deeply upsetting and triggering to me. I feel like I either have to be highly avoidant of those topics OR be highly selective of how I am in community with queer people. I look forward to a future where we prioritize children and reject social prescriptions, so that everyone (but especially queer people) can build families in ways that honor a child’s right to know their ancestors and ancestry. There are so many ways to have a family and care for a child.

An adoptive parent who has a teen writes – there are a lot of LGBTQ foster kids that are not understood or accepted the way they should be and would find solace in a home like yours, especially kids that are aging out. They face homelessness and trafficking. If you’re willing to consider kids that are old enough to consider their orientation, you could be a great resource to them in a world that is often not friendly or encouraging.

One writes from experience – I’m what’s known as a “half adoptee”/NPE (not parent expected), I was lied to about who my father was and kept away from him and his family, and the trauma from this isn’t comparable to full adoption but still informed my family planning decisions. I want my children to have access to their entire family.

My wife and I asked a good friend of ours to be our known donor, and take on a semi-parent role where he doesn’t really have any responsibility except to be in their lives. It’s been great, his parents are amazing and doting grandparents, our daughters have so much love and know exactly who they are, where they come from, where all their features and personality quirks came from, all with no confusion. They have a mommy and daddy who agreed a new person should exist and made them together, and their mommy who did not help make them, has raised them with us out of pure love and happiness.

Their dad lived with us off and on at first but unfortunately has to live out of state now, which I regret, but I pack up our eldest and send her to him and the grandparents every time she gets a long school break and the little one will do this as well, when she’s old enough for extended (weeks long) stays.

Blogger’s note – that’s probably enough “perspectives” – just some thinking on this topic that has become quite visible in recent years.

Phantom Parents

An adoptee found a clipping from 1985 about “Talking to children about their unpleasant past.” What jumped out at more than one person who saw this was the part about “phantom parents.” The quote from the clipping read like this – “birthparents mean something symbolically to children. At some level the child is attached to these phantom parents. An attack on the parent is an attack on them.” Someone noted – It’s written as though this is a fact but also a mystery.

When I went looking for an image, I actually found where an adoptee, David Enker, had written a memoir titled LINK>”Phantom Parents” released as a paperback in May 2023. It is actually a collection of short stories and illustrations. He is a writer and designer living in Haarlem, which is a city in the Netherlands, with his wife and son.

David was unofficially adopted as a baby, so he decided to use that experience to explore the world from a unique perspective. He lived and worked in London as a freelance designer, taking him to many places and companies across the city, using the experience to write short stories and create photographs and graphic novels with deep personal and contemplative, often humorous, components.

Since there wasn’t much there, I kept looking and found a piece on Medium – LINK>Phantom Parent Syndrome. It is not related to adoption but the definition was helpful – There is a phenomenon known as phantom limb syndrome. This is when someone who has lost a limb still feels its existence through pain in that area or other sensations. There is a tug of presence, pain of loss, and irreversible change of life and connection to others.

So, interpreting this concept related to adoption, yes, I can believe that adopted children feel the existence of the parents who are not raising them. In that context, it makes sense.

Psychology Today has a piece on LINK>Phantom Families. Elinor B Rosenberg feels that while adoption meets real needs of kids, birth parents, and adoptive parents, she feels that it also denies deeply held wishes. Their longings often go underground, driving behavior and feelings in hidden ways. Adoptive parents wish they could have borne the kids they are raising; adopted kids wish the parents who bore them and raised them were the same; and birth parents wish the circumstances might have been such that they could raise the child they bore. Rosenberg has found that adopted children have greater identity struggles and that they launch later than their peers. Adoptees build a more grandiose “birth-parent romance” based on shards of information given to them by adoptive parents. They use the fantasy to explain to themselves why they were adopted, who their biological parents were, what kind of children they are now, and what kind of adults they will be.

Rosenberg says “It’s a narcissistic blow to be given away. They must come to terms with it.” It is honest to note that Rosenberg is also the mother of two adopted daughters (so there is that) as well as a clinician.

No Man In Sight

At least one mom in my own mom’s group decided to have a child with no man in sight. For same sex female couples who want children but want to be ethical about doing the right thing, what are the options ? One offers her experience.

I’m a queer parent to a donor-conceived child and also have adopted kids through foster care.

The topic has come up before but is always interesting to me and just inherently homophobic—that women who have conceived a child by having sex are encouraged to keep and raise the child – no matter what: mental health issues, extreme poverty, abusive partners—but then, queer people are told there’s no ethical way to have a child. So somehow sex with a man makes it ethical and idealized?? So having sex gives you a right to parent – no matter what, and if you can’t get pregnant by having sex, you have no right to have children and should go mentor kids….there’s just no way to view this stance as anything but homophobia.

The ethics of sperm donation, in my opinion, based on learning from donor conceived people and also my experience as someone abandoned by my father, is that anonymous sperm donation is not ethical. I chose to conceive with a known donor who has no interest in parenting/co-parenting but is a known and present figure in our lives. [blogger’s note – I agree that any reproductive donors ought to be known. Every person should have access to their genetic background.]

Fostering is a different story. When we went into it, we were open to adopting (if things went that way) but really tried to approach it as us supporting a family in crisis by being that safe healthy person who could watch the kid(s) until the parents got back on their feet. We fostered 8 children and have adopted 4, which statistically is in line with our state’s averages that 50% of placements reunify. Our first adoptee has 3 siblings in two different families, neither of which was willing to take her. Our second adoption is a sibling set of three, with few healthy family members, a lot of criminal involvement and in incarceration, and years of trying to find a way for parents or family to be a resource. There were only a couple of healthy family members but they were unwilling to take on 3 young children. Unlike the usual assumptions, we had zero plans to adopt them and would have gladly welcomed family for them. Yet if we didn’t adopt them, they would have been moved again to non-relatives, which would have increased their trauma, so we did the right thing for them. I don’t say this for any accolades—I say it because the reality for these kids is that at this moment in time, we’re their best option.

So yes, in my opinion, there are ways to ethically raise children, even if you can’t have sex with a man.

Kinship Care Providers

Kinship care refers to the care of children by relatives or, in some jurisdictions, close family friends (often referred to as fictive kin). Relatives are the preferred resource for children who must be removed from their birth parents because it helps maintain the children’s connections with their families, increases stability, and overall minimizes the trauma of family separation.

LINK>ChildWelfare.gov has a page related to this. Resources on changing family dynamics, financial and legal supports, and permanency. A page reviews State laws and policies that allow a family member or other person with close ties to a child who has been placed in out-of-home care to become that’s child’s permanent guardian.

Guardianship has emerged as a permanency option for a child who has been placed in out-of-home care as it creates a legal relationship between a child and caregiver that is intended to be permanent and self-sustaining and can provide a permanent family for the child without the necessity of terminating the parents’ parental rights. A guardian’s rights and duties, approving a guardianship home, modifying or revoking a guardianship, and kinship guardianship assistance are among the issues addressed.

There is a section that shares stories and advice from caregivers and birth parents who have experienced kinship care on the importance of maintaining boundaries, managing family dynamics, building trust, positive parenting and communication, and securing support.