
Illustration by Barry Falls
Today’s quandary – I’m an adoptee, and my partner is also. I have reunited with my natural family and have a close healthy relationship with our adoptive parents. I have a seven year old son, who my boyfriend is looking to adopt, once we marry. My son has no relationship with his genetic dad (we had domestic violence issues in past and he legally has no visitation, haven’t seen him in 4 years) but I worry how my son would feel. I would never force this on him. We are pregnant and due in February. I worry deeply about my son feeling “left out” or “other” as he would have a different last name than the rest of us. I want it to be his decision on adoption, name, etc. He is very familiar with adoption as he has met our natural family, but again he is only seven. Legally on paper it would be much easier to have him under my partner, for health insurance and decision making reasons (recently he had an ICU stay due to breathing issues due to smoke from wildfires, also issues of getting him a passport, school meetings and involvement, etc) but I don’t plan on making that decision for him, as he hopes his father can get himself together to be able to be involved in his life again (as do I – knowing how it feels to be separated from biological parents, this has always been a goal of mine but the restrictions are purely for my son’s safety). Their reunification has always been a goal. Are there any other options for my boyfriend to assume legal guardianship or some kind of custody without severing the biological tie of my son with his father? His father is completely uninvolved by choice, as our protective order allows phone calls and such, and he just chooses to not engage. My son adores my boyfriend and they are very close. I just don’t want to put the weight of a decision like that on him, and I don’t want to choose it for him. I’m hoping there’s another answer.
In response, someone comments – My kids have different last names and I have a different last name than my husband. Everyone’s names are on the mailbox. I promise you that nobody actually cares, it’s your own insecurity about the situation. My husband is not my son’s father. You can easily get him on all the paperwork for your son’s school and doctors. If you are legally married, he can still be on your husband’s insurance without an adoption.
Another one adds – my oldest has my last name and my children with my husband have his. It’s a non issue. She never felt “left out” and why would she? From the age of 6 till adulthood, she’s only seen her biological father twice. My husband never “adopted” her, as it was unnecessary to care for and about her. She still has my last name (I hyphenated it when I married) and her sisters have their husband’s. Names don’t make a family.
More in this New York Times piece by Lisa Belkin LINK>Biological Siblings, Different Last Names.









