Too Many People Already

I can’t see my all things adoption group agreeing with this one but sometimes it is one of the arguments. Today, I read (and to be honest, this concern was minor compared to the others) –

I sterilized myself last year because my bloodline is just plain bad. My genes are very bad. I am also not healthy enough to carry safely, and I know what genes I and my fiancé would be putting into our prospective biological child. On the off chance that the baby would be healthy, that would be fantastic. But I can’t guarantee that, especially knowing what I have wrong with me and what is in my bloodline. I feel it would be very selfish of me to give birth to a child who would potentially have even more problems than I have. Plus, I don’t want to add more life into the world when it’s already overrun. I didn’t ask to be born, neither would our biological child. Her question to the group was – Can someone please give me a better idea of what qualifies as ‘good’ adoption and what qualifies as ‘selfish’? I want to make sure that we do it right, with as minimal trauma as possible.

From a mother of loss to adoption (aka birth mother) – Most adoption is basically legal human trafficking. It is likely to have lasting impacts on children – even if they’re separated at birth. In my own opinion, the only “good” adoptions are unavoidable ones where a child is orphaned, abandoned, or removed from an abusive/neglectful household where reunification isn’t an option. Otherwise you’re basically buying a baby and putting your own desires above the actual wellbeing of the child.

An adoptive mother asks – If you aren’t healthy enough to carry a child, are you healthy enough to raise them? Here was her reply – when I say not healthy enough to carry, I mean as in I am obese. We all know what overweight can do to a pregnancy, and being obese is even worse. I also have badly scarred lungs from many bouts of bronchitis and pneumonia and have high blood pressure. The risk for miscarriage is very high. Luckily because I’m sterile, I don’t have to worry about that.

The follow-on question from an adoptee was – How are you going to keep up with kids ? Her reply was – I’m taking medicine to make my condition bearable and I’m steadily losing weight (15 pounds down!) Plus my fiancé is much more active than I, so he can take over when I cannot continue. I also look at my mom who has been obese her entire life with me. She kept up with me.

One adoptee notes – I had 16 children and am not a pixie … nothing with my weight was an issue. I was 260 with my last. (Same dad/husband for all).

From a Baby Scoop Era adoptee who was pregnant as a teen but who parented asks – are you healthy enough to parent, chase after and be reasonably certain that “you” are healthy enough to keep up with and participate in all the physically challenging aspects of raising a child???? For at least 30 years???? They do not stay cute/cuddly babies forever!?! Consider joining a gym and adopting a puppy or kitten!?

Another adoptee notes – You’ve been here, hearing that adoption is unethical and causes harm, yet you still want there to be “a right way” to do things for yourself. You’ve still got a bit of de-centering to do in this conversation. She replied – I don’t necessarily mean a ‘right’ way, but a less traumatizing way. I would love to have the chance to be a parent in the best way possible, but not by giving birth to my own. I’d like to find the best way to go about adoption minimizing trauma as much as possible, since I know trauma will still be a thing no matter what. The adoptee states – Adoption legally disrupts identity, family, and history. Consider other ways of helping displaced children, such as fostering and supporting reunification, or supporting teens as they age out and start making their own way, temporary or permanent legal guardianship, other legal transfers of custody. Kids shouldn’t be required to give up anything in order to get the help they need.

Another mother of loss to adoption shares – it’s weird to me that you know it causes trauma and you still want to do it. Reminds me of my own situation. My son’s adoptive mother knew there would be trauma but thought that if we did open adoption well enough, it could mitigate that trauma for him. I don’t yet know how he feels about it as an adult but I’m so angry about it now. That she was glad to do the harmful thing – just hoping to make it less harmful.

When the woman complains – “This is tiring” Another adoptee replies – really?! This is tiring for you imagine how tiring it is for people that are adopted telling you over and over again that adoption is trauma, and it is selfish and human trafficking yet you try to justify your actions by doing it because of your health issues. Having a child is not a right it’s a privilege… and it seems to me you don’t have that privilege. You do not have to adopt a child in order to give it external care but participating in the system is participating in human trafficking.

Someone formerly in foster care disagrees with the above – I believe she means tiring because she’s repeating herself in different ways. I can understand where the system is abused and children are being taking advantage of by the system. I have been in there while I was in foster care. However, being in foster care is not the same for everyone. Most kids would love to be reunited with their parents because most don’t understand the harm they were in. Later in life they find out and can appreciate being removed from harmful situations. Also, there are children who hope to be adopted to have a family that they choose and chooses them. I have also been here. I’ve been in multiple foster care homes and was adopted as a teenager. I also recently adopted my nephew and his sister (mom had a baby by an unknown father). I fostered them for over 2 years trying to reunite and both her and my brother chose to sign over their rights. I tried helping her and taking her to her rehab centers and she would leave and say it’s too hard. She was also prostituting and using drugs and coming to supervised visits high and unable to keep her eyes open. Dept of Social Services gave the ultimatum that either I adopt or they will find someone else who will because she had given up trying at all. So I understand all perspectives. Sometimes no matter what anyone does the birth parents aren’t going to get their life together. The kids are already in the system. Adoption can allow a sense of home and normalcy other than being that foster child or not being able to call anyone mom or dad or whatever. (Also, I don’t force anyone to call me anything. I ask them what do they feel comfortable calling me and how they want me to address them). It’s important for them to feel included and know their opinions matter.

Choosing Not To Have Children

More than one friend in my age group has told me that their grown children do not intend to have children which will mean no grandchildren for my friends. Even my oldest son has expressed some doubts that he will. What is going on here ? Very real concerns about how climate change will make the future very difficult for today’s children and their children and much sooner than I had previously heard – like by like by 2050.

Because I think daily about issues at least tangential to adoption, that is the first place my thought goes and in an article in The Guardian titled Should I have children? Weighing parenthood amid the climate crisis by Megan Mayhew Bergman I read – Ellie at age 23 wrote the author, “While I don’t believe the changes we’re seeing have to signify end-of-days, I do believe there are incredibly thoughtful solutions at hand which – if we can pull them off – would bring about a world I’d very much want to have children in. But I also think my generation may have found itself at a unique moment in which more people isn’t the answer, and alternatives like adoption represent more eco- and ultimately, human-conscious choices.” And to be certain, more than 100,000 children have been born in refugee camps in Myanmar and in Bangladesh’s Cox’s Bazar, the largest refugee settlement in the world, which is vulnerable to extreme flooding and landslides.

Recent polling reveals that four in 10 young people are “hesitant to have children as a result of the climate crisis” and “fear that governments are doing too little to prevent climate catastrophe”.

An article in Vanity Fair last year by Tatiana Schlossberg titled How Should a Climate Change Reporter Think About Having Children? She goes on to say – Reproduction is a fundamental feature of life on earth, but a morally fraught decision for anyone who has the choice. And there’s not even a right answer. She mentions a drive through a scenic passage in Colorado but that “I felt so angry at our species. Angry because we are willing to destroy all of this and to do so knowingly, because we seem to value no life other than human life, and I’m not even sure how much we value that.” I would have to agree with that last bit somewhat.

She goes on to share – when you are a married straight woman in your 20s and everyone wants to know when you’re going to have a kid, it turns out to be almost impossible to avoid thinking about the future.

In answer to that, she shares – There are two familiar arguments about not having a kid when it comes to climate change. The first one is that it is unkind and irresponsible to bring a child into a world whose future is uncertain at best and apocalyptic at worst. The second one is that, as a privileged, white American with a sizable carbon footprint, any child of mine would be another person with a similar environmental impact, both in terms of greenhouse gas emissions and resource consumption. According to those two lines of thinking, having a child is unethical, both because of what it would do to the child and because of what that child would do to the world.

Realistically, she goes on to admit – As both a reporter and a person in her child-bearing years, I don’t know what the right thing to do is—and I don’t think that there is a right thing to do. I find myself feeling much the same way. I do believe humanity will continue to exist and on some level I feel that raising a reasonable number (like 1 or 2) of children to be highly aware and ethical will be valuable to whatever the future will bring.

She also acknowledges that – not having a child is not the same as becoming a vegetarian or buying an electric car. Having a child, becoming a parent, can be a defining feature of life on earth—the reproduction of aspen trees is not necessarily parenthood, but it is part of the same drive to pass on genetic material; it is hardwired in us, and we share it with all other lifeforms.

A dear friend of mine is involved with Project Drawdown, a climate-advocacy organization, that has ranked the 100 most effective solutions to climate change, and found that together, education and family planning for women and girls is the second-most effective way to reduce emissions (after reducing food waste, which includes shifting to a plant-rich diet and preventing deforestation), because when women are more educated, they generally have fewer children, and also add to the economic and cultural success of their communities.

The Vanity Fair article author notes – The birth rate in the United States and much of the developed world is declining. When people express concern to me about there being too many people on earth, they don’t seem to be saying there are too many Americans; they are, knowingly or not, talking about limiting the growing and increasingly young nonwhite populations in the global south. Throughout American history, anxiety about population is almost always linked to race or national origin, so what I always want to say in response is, “Who are you talking about when you ask me that question?”

I do feel lucky to have the female freedoms I do because of the time in which I have lived. I acknowledge that I am indebted to the work of so many women which has given me choice (and currently, that is highly under threat). Support for reproductive freedom is a core part of my own political identity, as is support for climate action as an environmentalist. We try to raise our sons to value the same things as well.

I will also admit to a certain degree of arrogance in that kind of thinking. That my having kids is okay because my kids will be a good persons and who knows ? One of them might solve climate change. OK, so the latter idea is probably not the most likely outcome, nor is it the most powerful argument in defense of my having children. Any person could say as much. True, I di think that my children are special, geniuses, perfect in their own ways, but I also realize that my children doesn’t necessarily have a greater right to be born than anyone else’s. I am sad for the youth of today. Even back around the 2000s when my husband and I decided to have these two boys, the concern was not as urgent as it seems today (and I say seems because it should have been more urgent then and even in the early 1970s when I had my daughter).

Anti-Natalism

I have seen adoptees state that they wish they had been aborted. I had not heard of Anti-Natalism but apparently it is a thing. Back when I was concerned about over-population, I could have understood this concept better. With the pandemic, it appears the planet is going to experience a huge die off before it is all over.

So I discovered this concept today when someone in my all things adoption group posted – How do you all deal with anti natalism? How would you prefer people not adopted to deal with that discussion when it does come up? One of the number one things these people seem to say is adopt, even if you can have kids, because there’s too many people and it’s horrible if you procreate while others don’t have a home. This has been frequently debunked as a myth. Poverty is the number one cause of children being separated from their original parents. In the case of both of my parents, that was certainly the issue – not whether their mothers would have rather kept and raised them.

Back in 2019, The Guardian had an article (I wish I’d never been born: the rise of the anti-natalists) about this with subtitle – Adherents view life not as a gift and a miracle, but a harm and an imposition. And their notion that having children may be a bad idea seems to be gaining mainstream popularity.

The basic tenet of anti-natalism is simple but, for most of us, profoundly counterintuitive: that life, even under the best of circumstances, is not a gift or a miracle, but rather a harm and an imposition. According to this logic, the question of whether to have a child is not just a personal choice but an ethical one – and the correct answer is always no.

In my all things adoption group, the first comment was – infant adoption is a for-profit industry and feeds into producing babies as a commodity, so also contributes to over population. Adopting or (even better) providing guardianship for teens with a Termination of Parental Rights background who are currently in in foster care would be much more ethical.

In another’s perspective – They’re applying an argument that makes sense for animals to humans, because they don’t see the difference. With pets, if more people adopt from shelters, then that saves lives, and puts puppy mills out of business. (In the Missouri Ozarks where I live – puppy mills are a hot issue.) And someone else quickly noted – even in the dog world, this isn’t true. It’s a lot more complicated than that. I’d agree.

Another explained – I’m an adoptee and childfree by choice. It’s astounding how many people throw adoption round as a solution to infertility. There needs to be so much more education done around why this is wrong and support given to people to make their own choices…eg not everyone has to want or have children.

Another one found the argument confusing – how do anti-natalism and adoption go hand in hand with the argument that you shouldn’t pro create. You should take someone else’s baby instead ? How does that solve the problem ? How is that any more ethical ?

Someone else explained – Anti Natalists are against people giving birth or choosing to make a baby in general. This does come across sometimes as not wanting children at all, but it doesn’t always go hand in hand. It reaches into adoption because it doesn’t automatically mean they dislike children or don’t want them, but rather that they tend to think it’s unethical to create life in a distressful world/ the earth is dying/there’s too many kids without parents/ why create something that will suffer/overpopulation/ other reasons I can’t remember at the moment, so they adopt rather than creating their own, if they do want to become parents.

Here’s the truth – adoption isn’t the answer for anti-natalism. Adoption is trauma regardless the intent. So if they’re about being ethical, I think they should do a little little more research on adoption trauma before they push that agenda.

Another noted – Usually people who are childfree by choice are very pro-abortion. The foundation of the philosophy is that humans already born take precedence over the unborn or not yet conceived. That there is a finite amount of space/resources and we are close to exceeding or have already, thus births/continuous growth should be avoided.

The bottom line was – If you think it’s horrible to procreate, then don’t. But don’t traumatize children and families, so you can still fulfill YOUR dream of a family. If you really strongly believe it’s awful to have biological kids, no one is forcing you. But don’t look for a way out – that’s just as selfish, if not more so.

Eugenics

I’ve heard many adoptees actually say that they wish they had been aborted. This is a terrible situation for a human being to feel like. I celebrate that I am alive and the heritage I am saddled with has the wounds of separation inflicted on my own two parents by being separated from their mothers.

Once again Population Control has captured the media frenzy following the Climate Change debate hosted by a CNN town hall recently. Rush Limbaugh was going on and on that Bernie Sanders endorsed mass abortions in third world countries. The truth is a bit more nuanced.

When asked if population control would play a part in his administration’s policy for dealing with climate change, Sanders answered “yes”. “And the answer has everything to do with the fact that women in the United States of America, by the way, have a right to control their own bodies and make reproductive decisions.”

“And the Mexico City agreement, which denies American aid to those organizations around the world that allow women to have abortions or even get involved in birth control to me is totally absurd. So I think especially in poor countries around the world where women do not necessarily want to have large numbers of babies and where they can have the opportunity through birth control to control the number of kids they have, is something I very, very strongly support,” he concluded.

Conservative pundit SE Cupp is taking fire after wrongly accusing Sanders of promoting eugenics, a grotesque means of shaping the human population by selective breeding. What is important is that every child is wanted and every mother is supported in being able to raise her child.

Renewal

Today is Easter Sunday and Spring is everywhere evident in Missouri. In pondering the idea of Resurrection, the concept of coming back to life after death, I realize that for my own family, I have brought our original grandparents “back to our lives” though all of them have died and we will never be able to know them one-on-one.

These days, families are often geographically distant from one another and may not know each other well. I have to content myself that what I do know may be almost as much as many other people may know (without the complications of adoption within their own families).

For myself, it has to be enough to know that I have allowed these dead relatives to speak to my heart about their sorrows and sacrifices, that make the life that I live possible. It is a kind of reward and vindication – not of what they lost or what was done to them – but for their choosing life. It is true, that other options didn’t really exist at the time my parents were born or when I was actually conceived out of wedlock myself.

While holding precious every life that exists in my own family, I am also grateful that women have had the right to make safe decisions about their own lives and I sorrow that those rights are being eroded. The planet actually has more people than it can sustain. Part of life’s ongoing nature is that some die and some are born. A renewal of life is ongoing. All we have to do is look honestly around us without politically advantageous sentimentality.

Naturally Reducing The Population

At the end of Real Time with Bill Maher for April 12, 2019, his rant is about population pressures in general and the over population compared to available resources which often drives migration. Maher noted that 18 to 35 year olds are having less sex than previous cohorts. That is a good thing. He advised masturbate don’t procreate.

He noted that more young people remain in their parental homes longer now. That is not a bad thing either. I have no expectation regarding my sons leaving our home. As I approached my senior year in high school, I simply knew my parents expected me to leave and had I not married a month before I graduated, I already had plans to share an apartment with a friend.

When I was in high school, my concern was not getting pregnant out of wedlock and I will admit that I simply got lucky. Having learned my adoptee parents’ origins stories and realizing my mother was pregnant with me out of wedlock and yet she was not sent off to a home to have and give me up, I got lucky then as well.

Another factor in young people having less physical sex may be the easy availability of pornography on the internet which I have read is more stimulating than the real thing and thus the real thing can prove disappointing.

Whatever the reasons, the current population uses 1.7 times more, almost twice the available resources that the planet has to sustain us long term. I don’t recommend wantonly killing off large segments of the population (though some elites and political types seem to favor such a solution) but if a lower birth rate could produce less stress upon the planet, I do believe that would be a good thing.

One final thought – many adoptees wish their original mothers had aborted them instead of giving them up. There is that much trauma associated with the practice. Considering that the planet is already overpopulated and some of those lives that the pro-life folks have preserved wish they had not been, maybe we all should drop arguments against the availability of safe and medically appropriate abortions. Just saying . . . one should think about it more deeply.