Category: Poverty

Sorry You’re Struggling

Which was followed by “Probably you should put your kids up for adoption.”

This is not helpful advice. In looking for an adoption image with 3 children, I ended up with the movie poster above. Wanting to know more about it – I clicked a link to the Adoptions with Love website, where there is a review of the movie – LINK>The Adoption Storyline in the Movie, Instant Family. The movie was released in 2018. The film is based on the real-life story of director Sean Anders and his wife, Beth, who took in three young siblings to foster together in 2012. At the time the children were six, three, and 18-months-old. They later chose to adopt these children and give them a permanent home. The storyline goes into specific detail of the foster care adoption process. blogger’s note – Poverty is often the cause of children being separated from their biological family and placed into foster care.

Back to my struggling mom . . . She was getting comments like – “You are a mother of 3 kids. You chose this. It’s no one else’s fault. Stop playing victim and start taking control of your life. Money doesn’t grow on trees and honestly you have to help yourself ultimately. Have you even thought about giving the kids up for adoption ? Loving your kids so much – don’t you want them to have a better life ? I know it would be hard but maybe it’s better for them.”

One response she got was this – Seriously ?? Why is it always money = “love,” do they even consider for one second how devastating it would be for those kids to be ripped away from their mother and forced to live with a stranger ? I almost gave birth in a hotel and my FIL was extremely judgmental (without offering help, so we could qualify for a rental—we did a few months later) but thankfully nobody had the audacity to say this to me !

From an adoptee – do not listen. I wish someone would have encouraged my biological mother to keep going and get better, so she could raise me. Get your encouragement where adult adoptee voices are loud and clear. You will find plenty of us rooting for you.

Even from an adoptive mother – there will always be someone out there that appears “better” than each of us. Ask her why she didn’t give her kids a “better” life ! I’m so sorry that she isn’t giving you proper advice/support, and possibly making you question your worth. You got this ! Don’t give up !!!

She was asked – Do your 3 kids live w you ? The struggling mom responded – yes. In a one bedroom. Lights are off now, so they’re somewhere else, while I stay here. The one asking shared – Your children want to be safe and be loved. While a good shelter that is based on getting people on their feet could be a good idea – adoption isn’t. Especially for those reasons. Your babies love their mom. And that was nasty of your friend to say. I’m sorry and I hope it gets better.

Desperation

Today, I read this “confession.”

We need to get rid of the stigma of shoplifting food, diapers and necessary items. Corporations steal from us, everyday.

1. If you see someone doing this, you could offer her support. Financial help and/or childcare with some of the restrictions maybe.

2. I am still going through this. I was caught stealing diapers. I have to do 50 hours of community service, take a shoplifting class and pay court fees. I also did a weekend in “jail”.

An adoptee wrote – I see no reason to withhold support from someone trying to survive.

A kinship guardian says – Medicine and food for her kid isn’t reason enough ? Maybe not the best choice but clearly she is desperate.

Another adoptee – Stealing groceries and baby formula is a failure of us as a society, not of the person trying to feed their family and children.

Yet another person – given that (presumably) other avenues have been exhausted: feeding and medicating your sick, hungry child is a good enough excuse/reason to take basic necessities from a mega corporation.

Mississippi Appendectomy

I am happy to acknowledge LINK>Fannie Lou Hamer this Juneteenth. She rose from humble beginnings in the Mississippi Delta to become one of the most important, passionate, and powerful voices of the civil and voting rights movements and a leader in the efforts for greater economic opportunities for African Americans. She was a community organizer and vice-chair of the Freedom Democratic Party, which she represented at the 1964 Democratic National Convention. She went into the hospital to have a uterine tumor removed and was instead given a hysterectomy. The title of today’s blog comes from her having that experience. She died at only 59 years old.

I learned about her in a Time Magazine article by Alana Semuels LINK>How Women Get Pressured Into Long-Term Birth Control. In late 2020, news broke about an ACLU lawsuit related to LINK>Immigration Detention and Coerced Sterilization of Mexican woman. It was NOT the first time in US history that this happened. In 2021, the state of California compensated such women. Starting in the year 1909, women of Mexican descent were used as targets for the eugenics movement to reinforce population control and purity.

The Mirena IUD is mentioned. I once had an IUD during my adult journey into birth control but had to have it removed after a few months due to the pain it caused. Mine did not have the long lifespan of the new ones which came out in the 2000s. You can read the Time Magazine article at the link above.

Systemic racism and classism have a long history in US medicine. Even now, some doctors are pushing LARCs (Long Acting Reversible Contraceptives) on Black and Latina, as well as other lower-income women (especially those on Medicaid) coercing them into receiving these, sometimes even immediately after birthing a baby. According to Mieke Eeckhaut, a sociologist, “These ideas of who should and shouldn’t have children are still very much influencing our policies.”

Never Seems To Improve

The image is just for LOLs. The reality is poverty is not at all a laughing matter nor is it usually simply laziness on the part of the recipients.

This honest comment inspired this blog today – I’m a nurse but my primary experience is in the community with families, and case management. The issue with a lot of Social Services is that the income cut offs are way too low. Even if my husband and I were working minimum wage jobs, we would make too much to qualify for WIC, Food Stamps, Head Start, or daycare vouchers here in Florida. They need to be helping families before the are in total poverty with no way to claw themselves out. The working class needs support too. This was my situation growing up and it never improved because it couldn’t.

Another shares – We make very little over the cap for the childcare assistance so I could work to be able to afford more of our bills. It is extremely difficult trying to explain to people that if I worked a job we would lose money. Because if I worked a job that would make enough money to impact our financial status, my student loans would want $300 a month, my son would have to go to daycare which is $500 a week, and I can’t find a job that works with my schedule because my son has to see two specialists every week. And if I worked the opposite shift that my husband works, so that he could watch our son, but I would never see my kid.

Yet someone else notes – I got a small raise, I think it was 50 cents, that caused me to lose my food stamps. I’m in a better financial space now but I’ll never forget all the struggles I had to go through.

Another shares – There is about a 9 year wait to get HUD housing where I live. My retirement income is from a rental house. I chose a family who had a Section 8 voucher. Landlords need to consider – if the tenant loses their job, Section 8 will cover more. There are all kinds of rules for the tenant. The top amount of the voucher was actually more than I was asking for rent.

From someone else – Food stamps require you to be working some amount of hours (I think it’s 20hrs/week) and you cannot get away from that requirement, unless you are disabled and have special permissions granted by the DHS officer on your case. Medicaid is a tragedy in my region. Finding a doctor isn’t the worst thing, but good luck finding a dentist. Housing is a disaster. The only “landlords” who accept it are slumlords. No idea how long the waitlist is here.

If you don’t think the deck is stacked against the poor, you probably aren’t trying to stay alive through the system.

What Makes The Difference ?

I could say this a million times and it will never be enough. Let’s break this down.

Money means choices.

No money means no choices.

Therapy is a privilege. It is a privilege 99% of those in poverty do not have. At least not, quality mental health care. Don’t even get me started on primary care.

Everything costs money. Not having money means you don’t have options. I’m so sick and tired of people from a place of privilege recommending shit those without privilege can’t afford. Like those who need it don’t even think of it….

Even people in poverty don’t live under a rock. They know what they need and could use but there’s no money!!!

Don’t judge because they haven’t done this or that – unless you want to pay for it.

Because I am in a good mood today –
No More Excuses . . . it’s all about the money.

If I Wasn’t Poor . . .

Poverty and homelessness are associated with the break-up of families. A number of studies have documented that children in families who experience homelessness frequently become separated from their parents.
~ National Institutes of Health Study

From LINK>Human Rights Watch –
“If I Wasn’t Poor, I Wouldn’t Be Unfit”

It has been more than two years since Adaline Stephens’ six children were removed from her care and placed in the foster system. Her nightmare began on a night like any other. Her 9-year-old son, Elijah, was dancing in the kitchen and slipped on some water, injuring his hip. “I rushed him to the emergency room when he got hurt,” Adaline said. “The doctors asked me questions, and I told them everything. I trusted them to help him.” Adaline was shocked when she learned that her son’s medical providers reported her to child protective services for suspected abuse, triggering a cascade of state interventions that irreparably harmed her children and their family bond.

The Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services (DCFS) launched an investigation. A caseworker visited the children’s school and pulled them from class to question them, came to the home unannounced, and randomly strip searched the children, ages 1, 4, 7, 9, and 10, to check their bodies for signs of abuse. Adaline said these visits were so frightening for her children that her youngest child began screaming every time she saw anyone with a badge.

Adaline was required to take a drug test, a requirement often—and disproportionally—imposed on Black mothers. She has scoliosis and spina bifida. Her doctor prescribed Percocet for the pain, but it was damaging her liver and stomach lining. “I made the decision to change to medical marijuana, which was better for my health,” she said. She tested positive for THC (the active substance in marijuana, and the chemical responsible for most of its psychological effects). “They stated that my marijuana usage rendered me incapable of providing 24-hour care to my children,” she said.

Adaline knew what was at stake. She was removed from her own parents’ care as a child and grew up in the foster system. Afraid that her children would be taken from her, Adaline agreed to six months of follow-up with the caseworker, weekly drug testing, and parenting classes, in exchange for keeping her children home with her.

In the meantime, Adaline gave birth to her youngest child. The birth was complicated because of her spinal conditions, and she had to use a wheelchair and walker for two months. During that time, she rescheduled one of Elijah’s follow-up appointments. Adaline said DCFS told her they found bed bugs in a couch and holes in the walls in of her home. (Blogger’s note – it is like they look for any excuse . . .)

Days before her case was set to be reviewed, Adaline was informed that a judge had ordered the children be removed from her custody due to the condition of the home and because she rescheduled her son’s appointment.

Her children, including her infant son, were removed from her care, separated from each other, and placed in foster homes. Four of the six children have experienced abuse in the foster system and are coping with serious mental health impacts, Adaline said. One of her sons had to be admitted to a mental health facility for inpatient care. The children remain in the foster system at time of writing, and Adaline is fighting to get them back.

“This situation has caused me so much pain, anger, and trauma from the separation from my children,” she said. “I just want my purpose back. I knew I wanted to be a mother and that’s all I ever knew how to do. Please help me and my kids.”

The truth is – One in three children in the United States will be part of a child welfare investigation by age 18. Every three minutes a child is removed from their home and placed in the foster system. Black children are almost twice as likely to experience investigations as white children and are more likely to be separated from their families. As a result, more than 200,000 children enter the foster system each year.

While the US child welfare system’s stated purpose is to improve child safety, permanency and well-being, and child welfare workers believe they are defending children’s rights to health and life, but too often system interventions too often unnecessarily disrupt family integrity and cause harm to the very children they aim to protect.

The Lies They Will Tell

Rich people buy poor women’s babies. It’s a fact and a reality in our capitalistic society. This NOT my own story but illustrates the deception someone who wants your baby will lay on you.

A random sad revelation about my child’s adoptive family. Today my Christmas gift finally got to their address. They live in NY and I’m in NC. The Amazon driver confirmed the drop off with a picture. When I saw the double doors, it crushed my heart because it turns out they’re wealthy. It felt like I’d been slapped in the fucking face.

When I thought about not going through with the adoption. The hopeful adoptive mother actually cried. She broke down in front of me saying “how will we afford ?”

I see these double doors now and think – there’s no way in hell you’re asking how you’ll afford something.

So okay, I am curious by nature. And I have their address. I’ve looked up the house on Google maps. It never occurred to me how rich they were – until now. And I looked up their house on Zillow. Call me obsessed, I don’t care.

They have a freaking 6 bedroom house with a finished basement in New York. They have a driveway, a back patio, a huge front porch and a front facing 2nd level patio.

The fact that she actually broke down in front of me, talking about how difficult it was to afford the hospital stay and fees. I can’t fucking believe she pulled that stunt with the 19 year old me. I can’t believe I fell for it.

It tears me apart on the inside, when I see the house on maps…. 2019 it was for sale. 2020 it sold for 1.28 million. In 2021, they took my baby. In 2022, I see baby toys are on the upper front porch.

I’m so disheartened and sad. I don’t even know if I can speak to them anymore. I don’t know what I would say because I’d definitely want to talk about it.

Time To Be Grateful

Blogger’s note – I once worked for a rental management company. Sometimes people were evicted. I rarely saw any of that up close, though one memorable experience was checking a vacated house next to our office to see if any roaches were still alive after fumigation . . . later in my life, I left a bad romantic relationship and dropped into St Louis with a suitcase and $500 – no car, no job and no friends. I had to sleep in the room I rented with the light on (after cleaning all the trash out for the owner who didn’t do it many weeks after I started sleeping on the couch in their living room). Yeah, the roaches were still that bad . . .

What if you were a single parent with a child ? You work full time for $14.00 hr. You bring home roughly $800.00 per paycheck (bi-weekly).

Your monthly bills are:
$1,000.00 / rent
$ 150.00 / electric
$ 250.00 / car payment
$ 150.00 / car insurance

So do the math :
You bring home about $1,600.00 a month and your monthly bills average about $1,550.00 (give or take). You’re making it – barely. This amount does not include groceries, internet, cable, cell phone, etc.

Now, it’s a really cold December and you get a surprise power bill for $600.00 (blogger’s note – something like that actually happened here in the local area where I live). How do you pay that ? To put it simply, you don’t, because you can’t. Therefore, your power gets shut off. Your lease requires connected utilities, so now you will get evicted. You try to make your case in court, the judge doesn’t care. You are given 10 days to leave voluntarily.

If you’re lucky, maybe you found somewhere you could live, the rent is only $650.00 a month, but you only have 3 days to spare and you must pass a background and credit check first. And you won’t pass it because you just got evicted, even though you’ve never been a criminal. Even so, you’d be looking at $1,300, just to move in, after paying the deposit and first month’s rent.

The landlord shows up at 7am with the police and they change your locks. Now, you’re living in your car with your 7 year old son. You have everything you could salvage in the car with you. You try to get a storage unit, but you don’t have a billing address, so they won’t rent one to you. You have only taken what would fit in your backseat. You pay to shower at local truck stops and eat whatever you can cook in a gas station microwave.

Someone sees you are living this way with your son and calls Child Protective Services. Guess what happens next ? ? ? Your child is removed from you. And now, you lose your job too. (Because “as an employee who has lost their child, well it just reflects poorly on the company.”)

At this point, you apply for an apartment with a waiting list of 3-7 years. Then, you go to Wal-Mart and put in a job application. Returning to your car, you see that your back window has been smashed. Someone has helped themselves to your belongings.

Now, remember that it is December and really cold. Your only shelter is no longer safe.
You call your car insurance agent, who says your deductible is $1,000.00 and the bad new is now they’re going to increase your monthly rate because you’ve become “ high risk”.

As a last resort, you call the homeless shelter. All their beds are full. I’ll stop here ….. because you probably understand the point of this story.

The people we work with everyday are these people. We may even be these people ourselves.
We are all so close to homelessness and often we don’t even realize it.

All it takes is –

  • one unexpected bill
  • one fender bender
  • one lay-off
  • one house fire, etc.

There are people all around us who are poor, homeless, or in need of assistance. Be grateful that you’re not in their shoes (if you are not already).

Stay humble and be kind – and always, BE THANKFUL FOR WHAT YOU HAVE.
Many of us are struggling in some way.

Blogger’s note – My youngest sister spent 4 years homeless. I don’t know how she survived it but she did. Sadly, we are estranged because her untreated mental illness causes her to be very cruel towards me. Still, I am always grateful that she is no longer living on the street.

A comment on the story above shared a “game” that has been around awhile. It illustrates a similar point – the terrible choices some people have to make every day, just to barely get by (if they’re lucky). Here’s that game – LINK>PlaySpent.

Ending on a happier note – just Everyday People . . .

We Don’t Do Enough

Society doesn’t do enough to help struggling families.

From a “First Mother” (one who lost custody of her child).

She writes – Something I will never understand:

Foster Caregivers in Facebook “free” groups – asking/begging for bottles, pack-n-plays, diapers. Some asking for a child that they don’t even have in their care, yet “planning” on getting a baby. Some asking for clothes for next season, making plans to keep babies away from their parents.

This is seems to be perfectly acceptable, even praised as resourceful.

While biological families are shamed and torn apart for being in need of the same things.