Reasons To Be Thankful

Looking at the demands on my time for the week, this may be my last opportunity to write a blog for this space until next week.

In thinking about what I could write and the upcoming holiday, which is much on a lot of people’s minds, including my own – I thought I would list a few from the years I have been writing this blog.

Be thankful if your biological, genetic family is intact. No disruptions, no family separations, no taking of children away or fleeing domestic violence. You may even be in a minority number, if you can claim all of that.

If you were the recipient of adoptive parents, be thankful if yours have been kind, attentive and generous with you. I’ve read enough horror stories to know that is NOT how it always turns out.

Be thankful if you actually know where your genetic, biological ancestors came from. I was over 60 years old before I knew this about mine – or for that matter, even who “mine” were.

Be thankful if you knew your family medical history and what your vulnerabilities are. I still don’t know mine 100% but until I was over 60 years old, I could only say – we don’t know, both of my parents were adoptees.

Be thankful if your parents were actually “there” for you, if you got in trouble – found yourself pregnant out of marriage often with uncertainty about who the actual father of your child was.

Be thankful if you were able to get an abortion, during the decades it was legal. You often don’t know how much access to that might matter, until you need such services. Exceptions mean nothing to a doctor who fears doing one under such allowances might still jeopardize his future.

Be thankful if you have adequate shelter and running water – I have experienced a lack of both in my lifetime.

I know, that if I continue to ponder this, I could come up with at least a few more. Not all but most of the above are based directly on my personal knowledge, related to my own or a genetic, biological family member’s experience.

You could try creating your own list – whether you are an adoptee, a first/natural parent who was unable to raise their genetic, biological child for whatever reason, or an adoptive parent. It is said we should always count our blessings.

Modern Cultural Reality

Today’s question – has been adopted by a male same sex couple and how that affects the dynamic/experience for you and your journey. I am a birth mother and was very young and unaware of the complexities of adoption, we were suppose to have an open adoption but I never see or have a relationship with my child and there’s always some excuse as to why they’re too busy or have to post pone. Since the adoptive parents are a same sex couple, the situation has always felt very glorified and natural, since they clearly can’t have kids entirely on their own. The adoption has always felt like a surrogacy but as I’m getting older and learning – I have a strong spiritual desire to connect with my child for their own biological security, sense of self and development – not to over step or try to insert myself as a parental figure. When trying to contact the adoptive parents, I feel like I’m being “extra” or unnecessary. I would like some insight from your own experience and maybe some suggestions, if there’s anything on your heart that feels like beneficial information here. I don’t have a confident discussion prepared and fear if we get to the place to have the conversation, they may invalidate my feelings and I may buckle to preserve the peace. So, I just want to have a strong knowing of what to bring up and a realistic outcome in mind, so I can communicate effectively. I’ve listened to The Primal Wound narrated by an adoptee and that’s what really put things into perspective for me.

One person suggested – I find most LGBT folks more willing to learn new things. You would know best here, of course. But what do you think about maybe trying to meet/talk to the adults only for a bit ? It’s not right, but perhaps getting them to understand the depth of the damage they are perpetrating would help. If they’re not open to that, do you think they’d be open to you sharing some literature with them ? Maybe send a letter explaining where you’re coming from, how you’ve done some research over the years, and here’s a book you think they should read ? It’s a lot of work on your part, and I’m sorry for that. But if they’re decent people, they’d at least read whatever you send them.

Hard Things

It has taken me longer than I expected but I’m still trying to get myself back on track with what I want to do going forward. This post (not my own story) inspired me to do something in that direction today.

I am the parent of a preschooler adopted from foster care who has been with our family since birth. We are in contact with some biological family members. There are some really painful things in kiddo’s history and birth family, including for example NAS (Neonatal Abstinence Syndrome – withdrawal secondary to intrauterine drug exposure) and FASD (Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder – exposed to alcohol before birth) diagnoses and a birth parent incarcerated for what I would consider one of the worst crimes to commit. I have taken on board the wisdom of making sure kiddo has all the information I have about birth family by pre-teen / early teen years. No way should their first encounter with these hard things be through a search engine. I can imagine some ways I might verbalize these hard things. But I would really appreciate example scripts, models, and personal stories. How have others introduced hard pieces of kids’ stories? How have you worded these things? How did you age- appropriately build in all the pieces? What kinds of questions have your kids asked in response, and how did you answer them? Getting input from others would be useful.

First response – Age appropriate language and honesty is the only way. No opinions, no hearsay, only what you know to be true and can verify through records. The earlier they can begin to process the hard stuff at an appropriate level, the better the long-term outcomes for their mental health.

Second response – Be sure to frame it as choice, illness, circumstances, etc (whichever it may be) vs the person themselves being “bad”. This can help your child understand that they themselves are not inherently “bad” just because a family member lost rights, was incarcerated, etc.

From personal experience – My incredibly humble two cents….because of some “garbage” as I term it that has happened to me, I have been forced to learn a lot about trauma and the impact of intergenerational trauma and mental health. I would suggest that any family background you can learn *might* be useful for giving your child a full story.

From another parent – I’m in this boat too. Very similar story and a lot of medical implications for my son consequently. I’m trying to explain adoption and all the history in an age appropriate way to a child who also has impairment. It is HARD. He can’t ask questions in a normal way so you never know how much to tell without flooding him but still wanting to build a foundation of honesty.

This suggestion – Look into creating a Life Book for them as a tool for discussion. Maybe you can work on it together? It will help you put things in context and use it as talking points. Be sure to remove all aspects of judgment about a situation or action, use simple plain language terms. Something else to think about it “truth” as we know it today changes over time. New revelations may come out over the years that alter what you think you know now. (It happened with one of my kiddos.) Listening to adult adoptees talking about how they were told their stories made me realize how important it is to frame information as “we were told this…” and not to make a statement that implied we KNEW the whole truth about something. It can be a bit tricky.

Unfortunate experiences along the way – What occurred with my kids, re: the life and death of their one parent and the crime their stepparent committed was horrible. Students in my 7, 8, and 12 year old classes bullied my kids because their parents found information about my kids parents on the web. Some kids told my 7 year old, that their parent who died was in hell, because all drug dealers belong in hell. My 12 year old never had friends, because parents didn’t want their kids around a kid whose parent’s crime was so horrific. I have talked with compassion to my kids, about the parent who died. I’ve talked in small pieces about other people who have committed the crime of the other parent. I have not been specific to anything that is not information found on the web. I’m letting their therapist address this, but the kids are now 12 and 13 and have told me I need to be honest with them, so I do answer specific questions they ask me. I let them be in control of what they want to know. I wish I had words of wisdom to share, but I don’t. Your family is in my thoughts.

Jealousy After Abandonment

Today’s story – I was abandoned by my birth mother at 8 weeks old and my birth father gave up his rights before I was born. I was left in a house for a week long while my birth mother went on a drug binder. Her roommate is the one that called the police and my grandma. My grandparents become my legal guardians with in the week. At 5 years old I was legally adopted by my grandparents. I do call them mom and dad and those are the terms I will be using here since they are all I know! My mom has 3 children from a previous marriage (my biological mother being one of them) and my dad has 3 children as well. I do have 3 half brothers and 1 I am super close with (we share the same biological mother) and my mom and dad also adopted him when he was 16 years old. I will not be sharing his story, just noting that there was a lot of abuse!

Growing up I never really fit in with my siblings (actually my aunts & uncles), other than my biological brother. They never wanted my parents to adopt me. My dad’s daughter literally cut him out of her life because of it. Both of my mom’s daughters never failed to make me feel out of place. Constantly reminding me that I was “adopted” and therefore, not “blood”. Which technically I am… One of my mother’s daughters would always bring it up, whenever my mom and her got in an argument, even if it was not about me. Mind you, there is over a 20 year difference between that daughter and myself. By the time I was born, she was married with 2 kids. Any time my parents did anything for me, it was “you treat her better than me and I’m your blood daughter”, even if they actually did the same things for her. Anytime I would be hospitalized and my parents would stay at the hospital with me, it would turn into “you spend all your time with her and she’s not even your real daughter”.

Then, she does admit – I had a lot of behavioral issues growing up due to my adoption trauma, so anytime I would have “out bursts” and she was around, she would yell at my mom “are you really gonna let her treat you this way, She’s not even your real daughter. You need to put her in her place”. Comments like that. Her own dad was a “dead beat” dad. So any time my dad would be a dad, she would get pissed. Even though my dad always treated her with respect and never tried to be her dad but he’s all I know. Plus both my mom and dad do so much for her. If she comes for a visit and I’m not there, she wants to know why I’m not helping. My parents are older and have health issues and so, I do my best to take care of them because I only live 10 minutes away.

My mom recently had major back surgery. I went to the hospital and then, cooked for 2 weeks straight – so my dad could focus on my mom and they both could eat good. Well she ended up coming down and my mom asked her to make dinner. She said “ I don’t know how to cook” even though she was a cook for 10 years at a restaurant…. She did end up cooking dinner and I went over there to eat with them. At the dinner table, she made the statement “I don’t cook as much as she does, so it probably won’t be good”… but it was good and everyone said that. It was nice to have someone cook for me as well but she complained that I didn’t help.

The happy news – I got married on October 3rd and so, she will no longer be in my life because I’m tired of putting up with her trying to make me feel small and saying that I do not belong. That is because there were conflicts on the day of her marriage that she was directly responsible for and issues related to her birth mother who is in jail but knows information about her and her brother that appear to have come from this sister/aunt, even though she knows about the abuse and trauma that both of them have endured. Anyway, she says that she is really hurt, heartbroken in fact, and can’t help but think it hurts even more because she is adopted. She notes – That I never felt “at home” or whatever but I always tried to be nice, respectful, and loving and even when I felt like she thought I was not deserving of love.

Another adoptee shares – I’m so sorry! Yes in my experience it has been other family members making adoption feel less than. I feel like I don’t have a family unless I am impervious to being offended and a major people pleaser.

Gone Gone Gone

An adoptee writes – I’m feeling really disheartened about finding my birth mother. I know her full name and her birth date. I also know the name of her husband but not his last name and I know the name of their first daughter together. So I’ve tirelessly searched the internet over and over and over again and cannot find anything. I asked a relative of mine who is an ex-police officer and a current private investigator to use his search system to find her and it came up with zero results. This basically never happens because there are always birth records, death records, wedding records, house records, etc. Which means that she must have scrubbed herself off the internet or she’s in something like witness protection and they scrubbed it for her.

This comes on top of me being read a letter that she wrote to me listing her favorite things, though I’ve never met her and I am 33 now. We have the same favorite author and the same favorite artist and the same taste in music. I breaks my heart that not only did I lose out on time with her but now I know I probably will never find her. I know there is DNA testing but it’s not really an option for me at this time, and if she has gone through so much effort to wipe herself off of the internet and not locatable in the world – I am going to go ahead and guess that she probably would not have done Ancestry testing.

blogger’s note – I know how sad it was for my adoptee mom the learn her birth mother had died some years before Tennessee refused to give her any of her adoption file (which they did have). I have that file now. It would have brought my mom so much comfort had they just given it to her.

It’s Complicated

A woman who went from foster care into being adopted at age 5 writes about the all things adoption group that I am part of as well – “Honestly, when I first joined I thought woahhhhh, wtf is going on. I thought adoption was the best thing, a loving alternative, selfless choice. Etc. Still not entirely sure my thoughts…its complex.”

blogger’s note – I understand. As the child of two adoptees, I felt the same way when I arrived in that group. Learning about my parents original parents, left me confused about the adoptive relatives I grew up with. I think I’ve almost resolved it, still not certain 100%, but yeah – it’s complex.

She continues – By all accounts I’m a “successful” and “productive” member of society. A partner, two kids, a nice house, a great job, etc. But my adoptive parents (still getting used to that term) have disowned me…again. First time was in my 20s, when I got divorced. I went through that alone and very very broke. This 2nd time is now that my husband and I have moved from FL (2 hours away from my adoptive parents who were not very helpful or involved) back to MD where we have a huge support network of friends and very involved “adopted” grandparents (my husband travels extensively for the fed government and extra hands were promised by my parents in FL but never materialized).

The problem ? My adoptive mother is…furious we dared to move. FURIOUS. What I’m grappling with is the loss of my adoptive parents and just coming to terms with their conditional love and really wild misplaced hate. I love them. I really do. My kids loved them too. But shit, it seems like this is common ? Adoptive parents turning their backs on their kids ? Why ?? How ? Are there support groups ? I’ve been to counseling but it wasn’t adoptee centered. Honestly I really didn’t want to admit to myself that adoption has played any part in my parents behavior but shit…it’s a lot.

She requests any words or suggestions of support from anyone (whether an adoptee or not).

Someone with similar early circumstances writes – Why does anybody expect strangers to treat someone else’s child as if “born to them”. It seems more normal for strangers to temporarily care for someone else’s child. The entire adoption industry is based on the great big lie. Please know that you are not the only one.

Another adoptee writes – I don’t know what to tell you to be honest. The best I can give you is find those who are your tribe and stick with them. I don’t think we’ll ever understand the hows or the whys of this whole mess. I think we have to be grateful for the good that we have and grieve the losses of the things that we wish we could have had. Be thankful you have a supportive husband and extended family. I’m kind of on an island by myself. I long for a partner that will support me.

Someone writes from personal experience, it’s because they have a mindset of people being replaceable.

From another adoptee – Unfortunately, it is very common. I think it goes back to the terminology people use around adoption – we were “chosen”. Well, something chosen can be UNchosen. They never like to talk about that part. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It never gets any easier, does it? Sending you hugs.

An adoptee admits – My trauma didn’t hit me until I started to have kids and just couldn’t wrap my brain around it. My adoption had caused me a lot of unexplained health issues.

Interesting Legal Question

Saw this today – Are adopted parents/ guardians considered next of kin in legal terms when dealing with post mortem ? In other words, the child is now an adult – no kids, no husband – who legally defaults to power of attorney (POA) when one isn’t otherwise appointed or who has legal say over the deceased child’s (now adult) estate, etc. I saw a post about a biological parent legally adopting as an adult and it caused me pause. I don’t want my adopted family to ever become default decision makers or have rights over me or my estate post mortem or otherwise. I never considered the possibility until now, or what the possible complications could be.

Some thoughts – If a will is not written, yes. Similar thought here – if there’s no written POA, it would default to the adoptive parent or adoptive sibling. The biological parent/family wouldn’t be considered, unfortunately, unless it’s been written into a legally binding will. One adoptee said bluntly – Please consult with an estate planning attorney. Blogger’s note – this is an important point that I learned when my own parents passed away – A will is important because even if you appoint a power of attorney, that becomes null and void upon death. A will is what is enacted after death.

Another person strongly encouraged – please make a will asap and also speak to your medical providers about changing your health care proxy as well (at every appointment I go to, they ask if I have a proxy and if I would like to change it – so it should be possible to get this done right at the front desk). Even listing a trusted friend on there is better than leaving it blank!

An adoptee shared this – My “common law husband” and I are not legally married (for our own reasons) and I had to get something certified saying he was my next of kin in the event of an emergency.

Important points from an adoptee – your adoptive parents are your next of kin – unless you create legal documents saying otherwise. These are inexpensive/ free to create – so don’t delay. My mom legally adopted me, but not for this reason. My bigger concern was who is going to be listed as my parents on my death certificate, and other documents used for genealogy. I don’t want future generations to believe a lie and think my former female adopter is my family.

One shared this story that it can be not even due to death – My nephew just got notified he is next of kin to his FORMER stepmother, who never adopted him and who was his abuser. He is the closest person she has legally to kin. She lapsed into a coma in Mexico and the US Consulate tracked him down. So it isn’t just your remains, it is your living body – if you cannot decide for yourself. Yes, it is horrifying. You need more than just a will!

Some valuable insights from an adoptee who has worked in a retirement community for nearly 15 years – Get all of your paperwork up to date (Financial power of attorney, Health Care proxy/Advance Directive), and create a will, and give copies to people you trust. I’ve seen a lot of awful things between unwanted health decisions being made to legal battles over estates because paperwork wasn’t in order. In your paperwork, be as specific as you can be about your wishes, who should make decisions, and what should happen to your property. All of those people need copies, and keep extra copies in a safe place separate from the original.

She adds – In my own family, we had a bad actor around after a family member died. This person stole the original will thinking it would stop the wishes of the deceased from being upheld (so they could take everything for themselves), but we had a copy of the will and went to court to fight for it to be accepted. Thankfully it was, because there was no evidence provided to show that there was a new will drawn up or that this one was void.

The child of a step-parent guardianship with current experience notes – If you have a will, beneficiaries on your bank accounts and power of attorney in place that will supersede next of kin. I’m in the estate process for my grandpa and he had no will, POA or beneficiaries listed on anything.

Another important point – A living will. You can direct that a certain person is in charge. Just make sure you have things on file. Make sure whomever is in charge of your medical poa, should you become incapacitated, KNOWS your wishes. Think about what you would want done and make sure that person clearly knows it. Someone else suggests similarly – Have an advanced care directive that clearly states who is able to make medical choices on your behalf in case you are incapacitated. Carry it with you at all times.

Not The First One

It is a common experience for many women – I am one too. I also do know someone who had similar experiences to this woman in her own childhood. So, today’s story is really only one of many. Trigger warning if you need one to stop reading here.

Her back story – I am also a former foster child, and a victim of s*xual trafficking while in the system in the late 1990s and early 2000s. I was SA’ed and got pregnant at 16- resulting in a baby being born that I placed for adoption. I grew up in an abusive home on BOTH sides of my biological family. I was SA’ed by family members on BOTH sides of the family. I was physically, mentally, emotionally abused and neglected to varying levels of degree by BOTH sides of my family. Also considering I was SA’ed, resulting in the pregnancy— we later found out it was likely a ring of family members who participated in trafficking behaviors.

That being said – We know that adoption create trauma, and that it should be avoided when possible. Some believe that adoption should never be an option. I do respect and understand this will be emotional labor for those who answer. I value your time and energy into responding. I appreciate you taking the time.

How do you find where the behavior patterns in the biological family stop and thus create a safe home for a child? How do you suggest people navigate those waters? At what point does “whenever possible” to keep the family with biological connections TRULY become exhausted?

As an adoptee – First off- would you want to know the trauma that was behind your placement in a situation such as this? Would it make a difference how you felt towards your biological mother who had willing placed you for adoption in this situation? If your biological mother had the trauma that I had – do you still think that biological family connections should be explored at all costs?

As an adoptive parent – How do you ensure biological ties with histories such as the above and keep the child safe? In the event you were told something extreme about the biological family of the child you adopted—do you verify (especially if you adopted through the state)?

I’m simply asking – what could I of done differently at the time (in your opinion) other than place for adoption and made it safe for my child?

Some responses –

One adoptee shares – I was placed for adoption in 1971. I was born to a 14 year old girl and 21 year old man. It was not a safe situation to raise a child. The best place for me was in an adoptive home. I do have contact with my biological family now that I am an adult. They agree that the best decision was made at the time.

Another adoptee echoes something I have read from many adoptees, many times – I feel having an abortion would have been your best option. Having a relationship with natural family does not mean the child isn’t safe. They can have a relationship and see a biological mirror through supervised visitations. And I would absolutely want to know the trauma behind my placement. Adoptees always deserve the truth, even if it isn’t pretty.

Another adoptee notes – the safety of the child should always come first. While I acknowledge that adoption comes with serious trauma and I had and still have difficulties because of adoption, I love my life now. I love my husband, children, and grandchildren and am thankful to be alive every day. I know not all adoptees feel this way and it took a lot of work on myself to get to this place, but I’m thankful I wasn’t aborted. I do however feel that kinship placement or fictive kinship placement, where the child doesn’t lose his or her identity is a better alternative to adoption. I also understand that that might not have been possible in your case due to safety concerns. As far as telling the truth to the adoptee, absolutely yes. Adoptees deserve their true history just like everybody else.

LOVE this from an adoptee – Personally If you were my bio mom, I’d tell you, you are one of the strongest women I know. How brave and how much of a survivor, and thank you for protecting me as best you could. At least you cared, some of us have bios who honestly wished we would have never been born. I’m living my best life, surrounded by those who love me unconditionally, because I am worthy to have a life and live it to the best I can.

She asks – Was there a mothers home or a place that could have helped you get started with your baby ? I’ve volunteered at a maternity home which helps moms and babies get settled in together with other moms and helps them with parenting classes, education and job training ? There was no pressure for adoption just supporting young women. One day I hope to be a safe haven to someone who wants to raise their child but doesn’t have the ability or resources and help them get on their feet so they can support themselves and their baby.

An adoptive parent shares her approaches – I have the information I have regarding the unsafe members of kiddo’s first family because of people elsewhere in the family sharing what they experienced or saw with me. I didn’t have to verify, but there are some people once believed to be an imminent and direct threat to the baby (now five) and I look them up occasionally. We are in contact with Kiddo’s parent and I once had a party so that “safer” people on the other side of the family could see them. I also keep pictures of some of those people we don’t have contact with, provided by family members that we do. It allows us to talk to kiddo about things like “X is very tall, it looks like you are going to be tall like them.” “Your color of hair comes from Y, maybe it will look like this when you’re a little older.” “Sometimes when you smile it looks like this person”

One adoptee honestly admits – If I was the survivor of a SA and there was a pregnancy, I would never want to see that child again. I would definitely terminate but if it ended up being not possible, I would adopt the baby out and want it as far away as possible. I wouldn’t want it to stay with my own kin and risk having to see my rapist’s face reflected back at me. I would extensively defend any other SA victim’s right to do the same without judgement. As an adoptee, if I was the result of SA, I would much rather still be adopted and not know the truth than have stayed with bio family and had to know. It’s one of the few cases in which not knowing is probably better.

Then there was this from an adoptee/and birth mom, who was trafficked by her biological mom, a former foster care youth, adopted by abusive family at age 7, then disowned at 14, and trafficked again from 16 to 22 – I just came to say that telling a woman she should abort her child is absolutely insane and super disrespectful to all adoptees out here living life after surviving such a childhood, who found a way to make a beautiful life. Like you’re saying I should have never been born just because I would have trauma in my life. News flash folks – no one gets thru life without trauma or being a victim of something. Resiliency is also passed on – not just trauma. Also there is something just so wrong about the narrative that just because one’s life is going to be difficult that means they should die.

An adoptee notes – I want to know everything that led to where I am now. Before I had the real story, I romanticized all the details that I could imagine and suffered a very rude awakening when I was met with secondary rejection. I am one of the adoption abolitionists you mentioned in your post who thinks there is never a time for adoption but that is not to say I don’t believe there is ever a time for outside care. I just don’t believe in the permanent legal falsification of family history. I believe in guardianship when necessary but never the removal of identity.

Some suggestions from an adoptive mother – In your situation, an adopter should have your child focus on the connection with you, instead of the entire family, and maybe some same-age cousins (first, second, third…) whose parents did not assault you. I don’t know what you could have done to keep your child, while keeping them safe, because it depends on the resources that were at your disposal at the time. If you were a 16-year-old parenting foster youth in my jurisdiction, I would point you towards a dual enrollment community college program that allows you to substitute an AA (Associate of Arts) degree for junior and senior year in high school at zero cost, recommend several trades where AA’s have good pay and job prospects, and show you how to do paperwork for the free daycare program you would likely qualify for due to low or no income.

Kindness Matters

A woman shares how exposure to some of the understandings that I often share in this blog made a difference for one family.

There had been a family of 6 (and the mom was pregnant, so really 7 of them) living in a van. For quite a while I brought them things- mostly food and pull ups/wipes (4 kids under 6 years old). The mom would ghost me sometimes and then message me again with needs, which I would fulfill.

My coworkers told me multiple times to report the family to Child Protective Services due to the children living in the car. Because of this (all things adoption) group and all your emotional labor, I didn’t. I was very worried about the kids being taken from their loving mother.

The story is long but ends like this- the mom left her abusive boyfriend (I didn’t know he was abusive), was able to get a grant through community resources and now has an apartment with her 5 children. She gets free childcare so she can work. It’s so beautiful.

I look back and am soooooo thankful to this (all things adoption) group. I really would have thought removing those children from their mom would have been best for them. It clearly would have been awful, and their story has turned into something beautiful. Your time, words, emotional labor- it does help. Thank you, thank you.

SAIL Away

Painting by Leonid Afremov

Related to a domestic violence situation and an expectant mother – here is her story.

She recently fled from an abusive relationship. She and the two other children have been staying in a motel. She reached out to an adoption agency.

Adoption agencies are predatory – they have to create that sense of obligation, so women will feel obligated to carry through with the adoption plans. In this case, they said the would pay for the mom and her kids to stay in the motel from now through 6 week’s postpartum. Keep in mind here, mom has a decent job. She can afford rent at an actual residence. It’s help with deposits and first and last month’s rent she needs help with. She certainly can’t save for that while paying for a motel.

That is how I learned about Special Assessment Intervention and Liaison (SAIL). Someone mentioned it and believes it is federal. They help pay deposits and utilities when a woman is fleeing domestic violence. The program’s goals are Safety and Self-sufficiency for each domestic violence victim and her family. They seek to determine if participation in work activities and/or child support enforcement activities would put the client at increased risk of danger.

Some of the SAIL Project services include – developing a safety plan, assisting in obtaining safe housing, filing for protection orders, attending court proceedings with the client, providing referrals to individual and group counseling and/or support groups, identifying community resources and obtain other necessary services and/or goods. Beyond direct client work, they educate employers about domestic violence and its extended costs.

Examples of some of the expenses SAIL might cover – Repairs for damage done by the perpetrator to the home in which the client lives such as broken windows, doors, locks, etc. Repairs for damage to the victim’s car that was done by the perpetrator and are necessary to safely operate the car. Deposits for rent and utilities for the victim to move away from the violence. Certain transportation costs, such as commercial travel fare, gas, truck/van rental (not insurance).

blogger’s note – I don’t know if this SAIL program is available in every state in the US. My information above came from program information related to the state of LINK>Alabama.