Is It A Just-World ?

Because I really do love trees, this image tugged at my heart. A new term for me – the Just-World Fallacy. It is often used to blame victims and excuse abusers.

In spiritual circles, one might hear re: adoption, “It was in your soul contract. You agreed to it.”

I am a spiritual person and I do have some belief in soul contracts but not as binding devices that eliminate free will choices and decisions.

Getting real – an infant can NOT consent to being adopted. Pre-birth? Who can really know ?

Generally, the responsible parties are the mother and the father. One or both may have been pressured or coerced, as in my mom’s adoption where Georgia Tann was involved. That is clear from information in my mom’s adoption file, which was given to me by the state of Tennessee as a descendant who’s parent was affected by Tann’s practices. My mom always thought she had been stolen. Politely, she would describe her adoption as having been inappropriate.

My dad’s father probably never even knew he was a father. He was a married man involved in an affair. My grandmother, the self-reliant person that she was, simply took care of her circumstance. She gave birth in a home for unwed mothers run by the Salvation Army and was subsequently hired by them and transferred from Ocean Beach, California to El Paso, Texas. The Salvation Army then took custody of my dad and adopted him out.

If my parents did have any kind of soul contract pre-birth, it was probably to meet and marry but it would take getting adopted to achieve that outcome or at least the way the situation played out in their real lives.

This leaves me definitely on the fence about whether their soul contract with one another included the necessity of getting adopted. Hmmm. I do know it seems like adoption was necessary for me to exist. So there’s that. Could it have happened another way ? I have to admit to that as well.

So back to that Just-World Fallacy. It is termed a fallacy because clearly in individual circumstances and events, justice is never a certainty. It is defined as a cognitive bias that assumes that “people get what they deserve” – that actions will necessarily have morally fair and fitting consequences. In spiritual circles, it could be termed cause and effect or even karma. “Just-World” has believers because people have a strong desire or need to believe that the world is an orderly, predictable, and just place. Related beliefs include – a belief in an unjust world, beliefs in immanent justice and ultimate justice, a hope for justice, and a belief in one’s ability to reduce injustice (which is what motivates any kind of activist and motivates my writing this blog).

In spirituality, we believe in a larger, broader view of how justice manifests. And always, we hope for an evolving and maturing humanity that rises above. I liked this graphic on empathy.

Unexpectedly Complicated

I can’t even imagine . . . a sister dies leaving one’s self a 1 yr old to care for. Further complicating the situation, no one knows who this child’s father is. She notes – “my family doesn’t have a filter and I know they will talk crap about my sister and I don’t want her to hear that.”

She adds, “My Mom keeps telling her I’m her new Mama and I keep correcting her to not say that to her, if she wants to call me Mom one day she can but that should be her natural choice.” blogger’s note – why not just Auntie, since that is what she is. However, she goes on to note – “she already calls my husband Dada but I think that is because she never had one to call Dada.”

She adds a basis for her worries – “I honestly only want her to know all the good about my sister and not the bad things, am I wrong for that? I don’t want her to worry that she will be like her one day, I struggled with that as a young adult, worrying I would be like my Mom, and I just don’t want that for her.”

A social worker who is also an adoptive parent answers – My daughter’s birth mother did not know the identity of the father. It really hit home for her in kindergarten when her class was making Father’s Day gifts and she asked me where her daddy was from, when she was born. I had to be honest with her and tell her I just didn’t know. Since that time I have registered her with 23andMe and Ancestry, but no close relatives have been found yet. You sound like a very caring person and who will work hard to provide a loving and safe environment for your niece.

One woman adopted as infant (but not through kinship) said, “I want to address some points/ language, as it is important.”

1. Babies remember their mothers. Implicit memory does this. Babies also grieve the loss of their mothers. This is lifelong.

2. Normalize allowing her to grieve and explore this out loud. Speak openly and frequently about her mom. Good memories, funny stories, similarities.

3. Come up with another name she can call you, like a derivative of your name that is easy for a baby to say. Note – She already has a Mom, and that is not you.

4. Please also normalize that your husband is not her biological father. Weave it into her life story.

5. If you don’t know who her biological father is, then be honest. Don’t ever lie, even by omission.

6. Challenge your own black and white thinking in terms of good/bad. Was your sister struggling with mental health / substance abuse, etc? These are reasons to be compassionate, and there are age appropriate ways to address this.

You cannot erase her loss, or her truth. You can be the safe place for her to explore and question it, without fear of offending the adults.

SAY SoMeThInG!

Artwork by late discovery adoptee, Ande Scott.

Ande says, Like poetry, I think images like these are impossible to understand without the backstory: the painting looks pretty! Look at the pretty colors! Now look more closely! Notice the pointy shards of colored glass!

Notice the bullshit excuses! The teeny words say, it’s not my place to say anything; the mantra of everyone who knew I was adopted and conspired to keep the secret.

Someone there commented – I see the jumbled shards of glass and see the pain from adoption and an abusive childhood that there is never an escape from – ever. A non-adoptee sees the pretty colorful pattern of glass not knowing the pain it took to display this – let alone what it would take to make those shards into something that could help heal.

I know a few moms in my mom’s group (related to my youngest son’s age) who took a “don’t tell” strategy regarding the conception of their children. Generally speaking, most secrets don’t succeed over the long run. With the advent of inexpensive DNA testing and matching (Ancestry.com and 23 and Me), I am forever grateful my family didn’t choose to hide important truths from our sons. I don’t know how things will turn out over the long run for the others.

Rehoming

I’ve not read the book in the image above but the question came up – Can someone please explain the legality of adoption rehoming groups on Facebook and stuff like that? Like, I’m sure we all understand that’s literal child trafficking. But can someone help me understand how it’s legal?

One foster parent answered – It is my understanding that the agency that posts most of them (LINK>Second Chance Adoptions which is an offshoot of Wasach Adoption) is specifically licensed for this. I guess it is seen as no different than adopting an older child out of foster care for example. The agency can only adopt to specific states that allow it and all adopting families must be homestudied. I believe the agency itself operates out of Utah which has looser regulations than other states. That is not saying that I in any way agree with the practice.

One adoptee notes – It is heartbreaking and horrible on so many levels. Commodification of these children and looks like pet rescues — the worst part is how adoptive parents think that it’s a good thing to do… move a misbehaving puppy… I mean youth on to the next furever family. I cannot imagine the trauma and mental anguish that these children must endure.

Another adoptee chimes in – I often wonder how this is legal as well. Its totally disgusting and treats them like objects rather than people. Foster care/adoption fairs rub me the same way. Especially when it comes to children that will already be extremely traumatized.

Someone more knowledgeable shares – it actually operates under the same laws that govern domestic infant adoptions (DIA) – it’s private domestic adoption, only difference is unlike private infant adoption there aren’t more hopeful adoptive parents than children, which is reflected in the fees (and makes one wonder just who is pocketing the extra $30,000 for these adoptions). Any legal parent of a minor child of any age may privately place them for adoption through an accredited agency; the one difference is that each state sets an age that a child must consent to the adoption, which I believe is typically between 11-14. It really comes down to the fact our society treats children like property. What REALLY rubs me the wrong way is that (not unlike DIA, I guess) the current legal parents get to pick the new legal parents using whatever criteria they want. Like, if you’re dumping a kid, I don’t think you should be able to say – they can only be placed with a Bible-believing Protestant Cisgender family or whatever.

An adoptive parent acknowledges that – it is an absolutely horrid practice and so unregulated. Most “second chance adoptions” are not done this way, most are done over Craig’s List and other sites like that, leaving children so vulnerable and pedophiles are given a very easy way to welcome a child into their homes. It is disgusting and something that the American government needs to address and put a stop too. The idea that people adopt and then decide it isn’t working out for them is just something I don’t understand. Adoption is presented as a pretty package, when the reality is something very different, based alone on the trauma experienced by the adoptee.

Another adoptive parent asks – can biological parents stop parenting a “troubled youth” and place them for adoption? That doesn’t seem legal? If it isn’t legal, then it makes no sense at all that these rehoming adoptions would be. They are legally your children through adoption.

I tried googling that one’s question. It has long been possible to relieve one’s self of a troubled teenager by sending them to boarding schools (including military types) or wilderness type programs. These do not require the parents to terminate their parental responsibility. A court and/or child protective services intervention would be required to go that far – which might end in foster care but would not usually result in surrendering them for adoption (difficult to accomplish with an older child anyway – most age out of foster care). I’m certainly not the one to offer legal advice, just my intuition from what I have encountered over time.

Ignorant Questions

Yesterday, at the Missouri History Museum, a couple of men that work there were relaxing. I was sitting down because when I have to stand without moving much my legs give me a lot of trouble now. Looking at my sons, taking in some exhibits along a hallway in view of these men, one asked me if they were my sons. Because I had them at an advanced age, I’ve often been asked if I was their grandmother. To one young girl at Chuck E Cheese years ago, who didn’t believe I was their mom, I could honestly tell her, she wasn’t totally wrong because I was a grandmother to two grandchildren. When my husband caught up with me yesterday, these men remarked on him being a “good dad”, which he is. I always knew he would be and so, when he admitted to me after 10 years of marriage that he actually did want to have children after all, I quickly agreed to carry his children.

While not everyone will agree with the advice I was given long ago, but I have lived by it. Never ask a question that might be overly personal, uncomfortable, intrusive or embarrassing. Even so, I do get asked and will always answer, even the most ignorant of questions.

Today’s story is about that kind of situation. A woman who is a kinship caregiver shares – Our nephew has been placed with us since he was 2 months, and is now 2 years old, so will be starting to understand soon. People in public obviously just assume I’m mom, and say stuff like “are these your kids?” Or “how old are your kids?” (I also get a lot of “dang girl, don’t you know what causes that?”) My nephew and my daughter are less than 9 months apart. I’m not sure what is best in that situation. Is it necessary to point out I’m not mom? Will that hurt is feelings and make him feel out of place? He knows his mom, and we refer to her as mom, but I don’t think he has quite grasped yet what that means. I’m not sure how to get him to develop more of a relationship with her. She can only make it to see him about once a month, and I am a stay at home mom, so we are together 24/7. He runs to me when he is hurt or scared, and cries when she first takes him out of my arms. I know it hurts her feelings. He does cuddle her and play well with her once he warms up. Should I even be pushing, or let him go at his own pace?

One suggested – You don’t owe a whole explanation to strangers but it’s easy enough to say “he’s my nephew” and change the subject.

Another shared – Regardless of whether the kids with me are being fostered, are my forever kids, bonus kids, kids friends, nieces/nephews, when asked if they’re all mine or something similar I say something along the lines of “they’re all with me” “why do you ask?” Or “Does it matter?” Depending on the tone of the asker. If someone says something like “don’t you know what causes that” or “wow you started young”, I’ll say “don’t you know when to mind your business?” Or “wow you’re too old to not know better than to ask such personal questions.” I’m not playing with people that can’t mind their business, and I’m not explaining myself to strangers. As for the bonding, it will happen.

Another admits – I typically come back with a smart ass comment when people ask if they’re my kids! Why the hell do they need to know that, it’s none of their business!! (blogger’s note – I suspect I am just too nice with strangers. LOL I probably assume they don’t know better.)

I did like this straight forward response – Just say he is your nephew. The truth.

This one made me chuckle – If they are not close enough to you to know who he is, they deserve ZERO explanation. It’s absolutely no one’s business but his and yours. I have 3 kids who are within 5 months of each other. Not twins or biological to me or each other. They aren’t even the same ethnic background as me or each other and we get the same “don’t you know what causes that?!?” Remarks. My response is “oh my god! no!! i have no idea!! please educate me!!!!” then stare at them. Makes them so uncomfortable.

Another kinship caregiver explains – I never wanted to take that title away from any child’s parent, even if I was doing the things a parent would do. I agreed to take on those responsibilities. I don’t need to have the title. To which the original woman explains – a lot of adopted people I know tell me they would have felt “othered,” if they had been discouraged from calling their “parents” mom and dad. I don’t care about the title, I just don’t want to hurt his feelings. He’s not adopted, but they have told us this will be a permanent placement. Everyone is telling me to not let him call me mom, but I can’t look at a two year old and basically say, “no, MY kids can call me that, but you can’t.” When I play the same role in all of their lives, and have since he was a newborn. A former foster care/adoptee explains – I hate that even now I am the “other.” I hated having to explain to my peers why I didn’t call the people in my home mom or dad. Now I hate when I have to explain that the people my kids call grandma and grandpa aren’t my parents. (Or my husbands either) I struggle so much with that.

One foster parent notes – I think we all have to agree that there can’t be any one “right” way to parent, because every child/person is different. But I think there’s a common goal of putting the child’s needs first, while also preserving the relationship with his birth mother.

Someone else pretty much shares my own perspective – I think more people should mind their own business and not feel enabled to ask such personal questions as freely as they do. There have been some great cordial smackdowns in some of the other comments. I would use those liberally.

Another adds – I say he is my nephew. If they push anymore after that, I will tell people to not assume or ask. If it’s someone you’re going to see repeatedly, then it may be worth a response, but for random fly-by interactions, they aren’t owed anything. This was a good reply – When asked if all were my kids, I always smiled and said yep, its my hobby to collect ’em. Another replies – “That’s an incredibly inappropriate question to ask a stranger.” Or “Didn’t your grown ups teach you, if you didn’t have something kind to say, you shouldn’t say it?”

Society’s Unseen Realities

For some time now, I’ve been slowly reading through The Tao of Physics by Fritjof Capra. I’ve always been fascinated by the science of physics, even though I may not totally understand a lot of it. I’ve almost finished Capra’s book and the big thing I took away from it is how interconnected EVERYTHING is.

So it was that I was attracted to a Medium piece – LINK>Exploring Quantum Connections in Adoption by Shane Bouel. You may or may not be able to read it. I will excerpt some parts in case.

Shane notes – “The state of one entangled particle instantly influences the other, similar to how the separation of a mother and child through adoption can have far-reaching emotional consequences.” The separation of a mother from her child leads to complex emotions and psychological challenges for both of them. Adoptees may experience conflicting emotions as they navigate their relationships with both their birth mother and adoptive family. Birth mothers, too, may grapple with complex emotions related to the decision or lack of, to place their child for adoption. He says that “Ultimately, the goal is to create a more empathetic and compassionate environment for adoptees and their birth families.” His goal is my goal in publishing this blog as well.

An intricate web of relationships connect individuals to their environment. Quantum mechanics finds that particles are interconnected and influence each other’s states – regardless of distance. The concept of attachment has a parallel in the idea of entanglement. Particles are intrinsically linked. Adoptees navigate the uncharted territory of identity and belonging. The separation experienced by adopted individuals parallels the entangled state of particles. The emotional journey of adoptees . . . is intertwined with societal perceptions, recognition, and acknowledgment.

Dr Sue Morter delivered the message at Agape last Sunday and photons were very much a part of how she described energy acting. Shane writes – “Quantum mechanics, traditionally applied to the microscopic realm, is gradually revealing its influence on macroscopic effects, including DNA interactions and biophoton communication within the body. This bridge between the quantum and the macroscopic echoes the connection between the unseen emotional trauma of adoption and its far-reaching implications on adoptees’ lives.” And in fact, in Capra’s book, he describes the understandings being applied on a large scale to the whole cosmos.

Shane emphasizes – “The historical instances of forced adoption and exploitation highlight the need for societal acknowledgment and reconciliation.” In conclusion, he says “. . . the emotional threads of adoption connect lives in ways we may not fully perceive.”

Shane’s writing seeks to lift standards of ethics and morality related to adoption by sharing the truth he perceives and has experienced.

More To This Story

On June 20th in 2020, I published a blog at this site about the movie LINK>The Blind Side. I wrote that it was a “white savior” movie and that opinions on the movie “The Blind Side” were mixed. The film has been accused of pacifying Oher, molding him into an unrealistically noble and non-threatening “black saint.” That take is a patronizing one. He is never angry and shuns violence except when necessary to protect the white family that adopted him or the white quarterback he was taught to think of as his brother.

In other words, Michael Oher is the perfect black man. Robin DiAngelo, whose book White Fragility I have read, criticized the dis-empowered way Oher is presented, as though only this white woman could save him. Oher actually said – “I don’t like that movie.” At a media event, just prior to Oher’s 2012 Super Bowl win with the Baltimore Ravens, he told reporters that he was “tired” of being asked about The Blind Side. In 2011, Oher published a book, I Beat The Odds, writing that the Tuohys told him there was no difference between adoption and conservatorship.

It now has become evident that there is more to his story. From The Huffington Post – LINK>‘Blind Side’ Inspiration Michael Oher Says The Tuohys Never Legally Adopted Him and that Sean and Leigh Anne Tuohy made millions off of his life story. “The lie of Michael’s adoption is one upon which co-conservators Leigh Anne Tuohy and Sean Tuohy have enriched themselves at the expense of their Ward, the undersigned Michael Oher,” the legal filing reads. The lawsuit also notes – “Michael Oher discovered this lie to his chagrin and embarrassment in February of 2023, when he learned that the conservatorship to which he consented on the basis that doing so would make him a member of the Tuohy family, in fact provided him no familial relationship with the Tuohys.”

The Tuohys were each paid $225,000 for “The Blind Side,” plus 2.5% of the movie’s “defined net proceeds,” according to the legal filing. But Oher’s contract signed away his life rights without any payment, the petition says. Oher has no memory of signing the contract, he claims. “They explained to me that it means pretty much the exact same thing as ‘adoptive parents,’ but that the laws were just written in a way that took my age into account,” Oher wrote.

The legal petition reads – “Since at least August of 2004, conservators have allowed Michael, specifically, and the public, generally, to believe that conservators adopted Michael and have used that untruth to gain financial advantages for themselves and the foundations which they own or which they exercise control. All monies made in said manner should in all conscience and equity be disgorged and paid over to the said ward, Michael Oher.”

Really Missing The Point

This graphic image was posted in another group than the one indicated. It was posted in a group for all people who have an experience of adoption. I have learned a lot there. In the beginning, I didn’t know squat. I will admit it. Both of my parents were adoptees, both of my sisters gave up babies to adoption and even in my own life, I unintentionally lost physical (but not legal) custody of my first born daughter. All of this, I have learned, is at least somewhat, if not directly, related to my parents having been taken from their original mothers in the first year of their life.

So I did come into this particular group believing that adoption was a good thing. I got smacked down right out of the gate in getting to know this group. I shut up and started learning. One adoptive parent who adopted the children in her family out of the foster care system system, admits similarly – “There are a lot of things in this group that are hard to read. I will admit that my feathers were ruffled at first and thought I should leave. I’m so glad I didn’t because I have learned a lot that I hope will make me a better adoptive parent. The truth is spoken here. Sometimes the truth hurts but maybe that just means we need to learn to be comfortable being uncomfortable.”

One adoptee said – You know what pisses me off the most – about how they claim how “mean” adoptees are? The adoptive parents and foster parents that think that they can just “erase” the fact that the child was not born to them. Then, they think that when adoptees correct them, and say that our past SHOULDN’T and CAN’T be erased, we’re being mean. Like seriously, you want a “beautiful and life changing” relationship, but when somebody that has experienced what adoption is, and explains how to change it, it’s met with closed ears and we’re told “not every adoption is traumatic.” It’s absolutely infuriating. We’re trying to educate you, but honestly, you just want to continue to believe the stereotype and stigma that “adoption is all butterflies and rainbows” and it’s not. It’s just not.

One says – the anger is being treated as the minority opinion among adoptees, a voice that doesn’t matter and shouldn’t be as loud as that of grateful adoptees, because it is abusive to adoptive parents or hopeful adoptive parents.

To which one adds this clarification – I am more than my anger, and my anger doesn’t mean what I say is just out of anger. Calling people angry paints them as emotional and irrational, claims they see the world through a distorted lens or may make rash decisions. Being “angry” is a intentional mischaracterization.

No, when I’m angry, it’s because the research shows adopted people are suffering but “oh it’s just angry adoptees who had bad experiences projecting their trauma.” I’m angry because adoption in the US is a multibillion-dollar industry that commodifies the wombs and children of people in crisis, but hopeful adoptive parents don’t want to hear how they contribute to the demand for a domestic supply of infants. I’m angry when arrogant adoptive parents seem to think their kid’s experience will be the one that escapes trauma but they sound EXACTLY like my parents, and they don’t want to hear that.

I’m angry when people think there’s a magical formula where their kid will never have any hard questions for them, never develop any complicated emotions about adoption, never want to know where they came from. I’m angry when people assume any curiosity about our roots means SOMETHING about how we feel about our adoptive families. I’m angry when the people who could have a direct impact on the quality of an adopted child’s life come in here – expecting they won’t be told they have to learn and grow and change.

blogger’s note – A book consistently recommended in the all things adoption group (and one I have read myself) is Nancy Newton Verrier’s – The Primal Wound. What makes her unique is firstly – she is the mother of two daughters, one adopted and one her biological, genetic child. She also has a master’s degree in clinical psychology and is in private practice with families and children for whom adoption is a major component of their reason for seeking her out. She has both – heard much and experienced much – directly.

Birth Identity Nullification

My adoptee dad used to like to tease my adoptee mom by calling her by her birth name of Frances Irene. It wasn’t until his own adoptive parents died that he knew his original surname – Hempstead – only he didn’t know if that was his mother’s or his father’s surname. It was his mother’s as she was unwed at the time she gave birth to him.

I was reminded of this by a Substack email notification from Tony Corsentino titled LINK>Falsification. I recommend reading his blog. He notes “There is a hanging file folder in my desk drawer that holds both my birth certificates.” Of all the potential “universal” issues that adoptees face, it is that they are denied the name they were born with and that was recorded on their original birth certificates.

My mom’s adoptive mother wanted to realize her fantasy of having her very own Jack and Jill, so she renamed my adoptive uncle “John” and my adoptee mother “Julie” – a touch of higher sophistication, as was her usual expression of personal taste. Adoptees, in effect, live a false or assumed identity, unlike most other human beings.

In considering this and looking for an image, I came across two things that I will share with you here today. The first is from Psychology Today titled LINK>A Guide to the Fantasy Bond. To my quirky intellect, it fit the circumstances. Lisa Firestone PhD is a clinical psychologist, an author, and the Director of Research and Education for the Glendon Association. She is also the daughter of Dr Robert Firestone, who’s theory became the book – The Fantasy Bond.

She writes – The fantasy bond acts as a defense, helping relieve anxiety and emotional pain at times of distress. It is a way of maintaining an illusion of safety and security at those times when we experienced overwhelming frustration, hurt, or even terror. Infants have a natural ability to comfort themselves by using images and memories of past feeding experiences to ward off the anxiety of being temporarily separated from their mothers. Fantasy helps reduce feelings of hunger and frustration. The child’s illusion of connection compensates or substitutes for inadequacies in the early environment. In an attempt to cope with the emotional pain and restore a feeling of comfort, infants merge with their primary caretaker (often the mother) in their imagination, magically believing they are one with that person—feeling like the all-powerful parent and the helpless infant, all in one. This fantasy of being connected to another can give a child an illusion of safety, even immortality, which later helps him or her cope with existential realizations and fears.

Then, I stumbled on the one that my image came from – LINK>Sometimes we need fantasy to survive the reality by someone named “Heather”. She writes – As Albus Dumbledore said, “It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.” However, there are moments in life you must tap into your fantasies to make it through tough times.

Unfortunately, our society often stigmatizes daydreaming and fantasizing as a lack of motivation or seriousness. However, that’s not always true. Fantasizing is a natural part of being human and it plays a significant role in building interpersonal relationships and manifesting future goals and dreams.

While Dumbledore’s words are wise, the truth is, sometimes we need fantasy to survive reality. If you find yourself going through a rough patch, some fantasy might be just the thing that gets you back on track. I have read that adoptees frequently fantasize about their first mother.

The Life You Never Lived

Though not an adoptee myself, but as the child of two adoptees who never knew anything about their biological, genetic families, this applies to me as well. Even with my genetic relatives that I have met or gotten to know virtually, there are still those family lives I’ve never been a part of. There is no making up or compensating for that. There is only going forward from here.

And even though, I do know who my genetic relatives are now, I’ve banged my head against the sealed adoption records issue both in Virginia (where my mom was born) and California (where my dad was born). So even lacking both of those, thanks to inexpensive DNA testing and matching companies and then some fortuitous connections from there, I know as much as I can ever hope to now.

Googling on the life you never lived, I found this – Our Ghost Lives: Why We Obsess Over Lives We Could Have Lived at LINK>unpublishedzine.com. Even before I read this, I think – this could apply to many forks in our life’s path. What might it have been if we had done this or that. So, really lives we could have lived can apply to many people, not just adoptees. It’s only that adoptees have good reason to wonder “what might my life have been like if I had remained with my first parents?” All of the “what ifs…” that we daydream about. Woulda, shoulda, couldas are never reality. There is only what we have lived.

Excerpts from the linked article – Ghost lives earn their namesake because they haunt, they linger, and are the phantoms of what could have been. Wishing for our ghost lives to be a reality is common when our current lives are hard. Ghost lives should never detract from our regular lives because it becomes unhealthy.

Instead evaluate the choices you have made and how they have brought you happiness. This is a lot like what I heard the Rev Michael Bernard Beckwith suggest in his Sunday message at Agape – Do a testimonial trek through your awareness. Notice all of the places in your life where your own might and power did not get you out of trouble. Your back was against the wall. Through some kind of grace or expanded awareness, everything turned out okay. Curate the feeling of that grace or miracle.

It is a trust that goes beyond your personality construct, your human skills, beyond what you think you can do. You walk with a radical trust in life Itself by looking back over your life and seeing all of the places where you did not make something happen but something dawned upon your awareness, something pulled you to another level of experience – let that become a baseline of confidence and trust. You have confidence in yourself and you walk with that dynamic. Life has a tendency to support its continuance.

Back to the article – choosing real life over what could have been radiates a lot more positive energy, mindfulness, and an ability to be in the present. Being in the moment requires conscious effort. Appreciating the choices that we did make, shows us the good that is there, that we may sometimes fail to see. Be grateful that this big, messy, joyous real life isn’t a ghost life (which can only ever be an illusion) but your true lived experience.