Having To Choose

I’m an adoptee and I recently found my first dad. We hit it off right away. His wife sent me texts saying I was a “pump and dump” because my biological parents had a one night stand and that we need to stop talking to each other.

Unfortunately, he had to choose between keeping her happy and me — he chose to keep her happy. We are no longer “allowed” to communicate. He tried everything to compromise with her but yeah.. This happened yesterday and I woke up today crying.

I was SO happy because he understood me. I miss him so much already. It has caused such a deep, physical hurt that it takes my breath away sometimes.

Luis Armando Albino

These kinds of stories fascinate me. Things have been disrupted for this week and that may include tomorrow.

In the meantime, here is the story that caught my attention today. This man is only a few years older than I am. Here is a link to that story in The Guardian as I am short on time today – LINK>Six-year-old abducted from California park in 1951 found alive after seven decades, all because his niece did a DNA test ‘just for fun’. He was reunited with his family in California just last June.

Many Years Later

Today’s story – In 2003, we gave birth to a baby girl that we ultimately gave up for adoption. We were just beginning our relationship (not even really a couple at the time) and in the middle of a hardcore party stage (drugs & alcohol). Adoption was somewhat forced; I could’ve gotten help, but I knew deep down in my heart that we could not give the child a healthy/better life, so adoption was the final decision.

It was a closed adoption, but communication was able to be done through the Attorney. That went well for the first few years…and then nothing. Even the Attorney lost contact with the Adoptive parents and my heart was crushed – did something happen to them? Would I ever have contact again? Would I get another picture to be able to at least see her grow up? I’ve always kept my social media wide open, with my maiden name, in the event she ever wanted to find us. I would go down the proverbial rabbit hole and try to find them – I knew her first/middle name, her mom’s name and the state they lived in.

Fast forward to September 10th 2024: ND and I are married and have been together for 26 years now. The morning of the 10th, I got a text: “Hey xxxx, my name is xxxx. I messaged you on Messenger last week, but I don’t know if you have messenger or not. I was reaching out because I am trying to find my birthparents and I didn’t know if it was you or not, but if it’s you I am hoping to maybe reconnect” MY HEART DROPPED and I bawled my eyes out! She is now married and has a SON!

She (baby girl) texts me, my husband and our kids pretty much every day. She answers any of my questions and I answer hers, honestly. She is coming to our state to visit us next month (with her mom)!! I am nervous/scared and happy/excited all at once! So, here’s where I need help: what advice do you have for the reunification meeting? Do I avoid asking the mom what happened, why communication stopped, or do I avoid that? I don’t know how I feel about the mom coming along with her; it makes her more comfortable, which is absolutely fine, but idk how to feel about the mom coming to the outings and such. I am so excited and feel incredibly blessed that she had the courage to reach out!!

Kept Sibling Issues

An adoptive mother shares – My adopted daughter recently found her biological mom and 3 half and kept biological siblings. The mom and my daughter are overjoyed, the siblings not so much. They saw their mom at her worst addicted stages, yet were not taken because they were over and or just at age 18 when new baby (my daughter) was taken by Child Protective Services. They are now in their 30s, my daughter is 16. Bio mom is recovered and is loving and thrilled my daughter is in contact. The siblings who live with or near bio mom are not happy my daughter is now in their life. They are sad she has traveled and been to Disney, is licensed and has a car to use (they have none of that), and they can’t believe she is looking at college. Mine is upset that they got to live with their mom, have pictures all over the walls, etc. They reply their lives resembled Shameless and now my daughter has the mom who is involved, loving and sober. Her biological mom and my daughter want lots of contact but the rift with the siblings seems to grow. There is a birthday party for the biological grandma next weekend and I’m starting to wonder if she should attend, though there is no question both her mom and she want to be there. I don’t want to cause anyone more hurt or problems, though I am very happy my daughter and her biological mom have found each other. Thoughts?

One person writes – I understand that the siblings are in enormous amount of pain because of their lost childhood and trauma, so maybe they need time to process it. The siblings probably don’t hate their sibling but are bitter about their own situation and things they had to go through. But also, they should understand that the daughter is also a part of the family, and the daughter has every right to choose whether she wants to attend the birthday party or not, independent from anyone else’s opinions. And that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side either. I couldn’t imagine being bitter at my siblings because they got fostered to safety.

An adoptee suggests – Her siblings and biological mom need their own therapy together to work through their issues. Your daughter didn’t ask for any of this, so she should not be taking any blame or punishment for her siblings feelings. That is between them and the biological mom. Your daughter should take the lead and go to the party, if she wants to!

A Mother of Loss says – You let her take the lead. This is her family. She gets to make the decisions. Be there for her. The siblings will adjust, and if they don’t – so what.

Another adoptive mother advises – I completely understand where you are coming from and you can discuss your worries but kindly, these aren’t your relationships. You aren’t causing hurts nor navigating these situations and you need to not micromanage what is going on. Your daughter needs to figure out how to make these work or not – you be a shoulder and a sounding board.

From another adoptee – about kept sibling resentment – her siblings will either get over it or they won’t. There’s enough of an age gap there that it probably won’t make much of a difference to your daughter at all to be honest. The main relationship is going to be with her mother anyway. If she wants to go to the party, she should go. If she feels uncomfortable or if she is concerned for her safety should she attend, maybe she can go with her mother and see her grandmother for her birthday at another time. Note that I stressed HER concerns. She’s 16. By all means, be friendly with her mother. But this is her relationship, not yours. She gets to decide how it goes.

Feeling Alone

Today’s story – Adopted at birth. Black child adopted by white family. Intense borderline personality disorder and identity issues. Constant shame. Why do I feel this way! My adoptive parents were always good to me. My adoptive mother said she understands but refuses to read literature about how traumatized I am because she doesn’t like non fiction.

Fast forward to August of last year I took an Ancestry DNA test. My birth mother was indifferent when I found her, but my birth father was brimming with joy that he had a daughter. My mom never told him she was pregnant. They had a fling in the military together years ago. Anyways, I look just like my dad and he’s already spoke about the guilt he feels missing out on my life. He loves my kids (his grand kids) and he is flying us out to visit him this winter. He’s a great man and I finally found my family. Why do I still feel so alone?

Some thoughts –

One adoptee noted – The abandonment is so real. It’s just a part of who I am.

Another adoptee writes – Lifelong trauma is something that can be lessened over time but unfortunately it will always be there to some degree. I am 76 and will never be rid of some of the ‘stuff’. I do take some comfort and closure in knowing who I am and where I came from. I hope in time you can take comfort in that and develop a longlasting and close relationship with your birth dad. My heart goes out to you.

Another person calls it out – Not liking nonfiction is an absolutely ridiculous excuse to not read about the trauma of adoption (particularly transracial adoption). I’m so sorry she isn’t willing to do that for you.

Another adoptee acknowledges – reunion sometimes feels like it will fix everything but it doesn’t, unfortunately. There is more grief to process in that we missed out on so much time with biological family and even though there can be instant and great connections, we still don’t feel truly a part of the family.

An adoptee in reunion notes – I’ve been in reunion for over 10 years and still feel lonely, even though it’s all been really great. I think it’s just a part of who we became when we were taken away. I wish we could feel instantly better, when we find answers to our history but this is also why I always talk to everyone about adoption and all it’s myths because doing this to people is just so messed up. We had no say in this but yet we are the ones that have to deal with all the ramifications.

One adoptee admits – I never really made the connection. I have had a lovely reunion with my dad as well, but you are right. I constantly tell my husband, I feel alone. I just don’t fit anywhere. I’m dealing with it. It’s a process though.

An interesting explanation from an adoptee – Our brains have been rewired for protection instead of connection. We literally had our brains synapses and pathways changed in order to survive in a world without connection. My psychologist described it as “what we are told is love for us is survival and trauma bonding”. When our whole concept of love is based on this, is it any wonder we struggle to understand connection. I did until I had my own babies and that in itself was a devastating reality. Even with them, my little family and reunion of sorts, I still feel utterly alone like an alien dropped into a moonscape. We are having a normal reaction to a very abnormal situation.

Some advice from someone who facilitates reunions – Why is it not enough? Because it is not enough – it is so much less than you deserve. Why can’t your mother behave the way your father is behaving? Why can’t you matter to her, the way you matter to him? It hurts because your getting only half of what you are entitled to – what every person born is entitled to. You are not ungrateful for what you have —you are necessarily anguished for the absence of something every person deserves and every person actually needs to feel complete and secure – having two parents that care about you. Humans are resilient. They can endure and survive horrible losses and violations and trauma. They can realize their inherent value, even after they’ve been abused and mistreated. They can move on but to expect them not to feel let down, when their parent is indifferent, is just not fair to a person in that situation. Don’t let your birth mother stop you from reaching out to your maternal relatives. They may think you are wonderful and want very much to know you.

Flying To Meet Mom

I remember my adoptee mom who desperately yearned to have contact with her birth mom said something similar – that she wanted her mom, as a mom herself, to know that she was okay. Unfortunately, my adoptee mom never had the opportunity.

Today’s happy story – I was adopted at birth in a closed domestic adoption. I am flying across the country, with my family (husband and 2 kids) to finally meet my genetic, biological mom, who I found 5 years ago through DNA! We have had a great relationship via FaceTime, pretty regularly.

I have also been very low contact (I send photos a handful of times a year via text) with my adoptive mother for 4 years. I love my adoptive mother, but also have chosen my peace over anything else…

Do I message her a heads up? I am sure I will post photos over the weeklong visit. I don’t feel I “owe” it to her, but also have no desire to hurt her. I’m thinking possibly the following – “Just wanted to let you know we are going to meet ***** next week. Love you very much.”

One adoptee suggested – if it were me, I would tell your adoptive mother AFTER you’ve met your biological family but before you post pictures. That way, you get to fully enjoy your visit, without any fallout from your adoptive mother and you are still being mindful of her feelings by letting her know before pictures are shared, just so she’s not blindsided.

Happy Synchronicity

Sherman Smith and Deland McCullough

Deland McCullough was born Jon Briggs on December 1, 1972 in Pennsylvania and was placed for adoption as a newborn. He was raised by his adoptive mother in Youngstown Ohio (his adoptive parents divorced when he was 2.)

The football field gave young Deland his niche as a running back. His tenacious running style soon began to garner the attention of some college programs. Sherman Smith had traversed a similar path as a quarterback almost two decades earlier. Smith’s coaching career eventually brought him back to Ohio, just as McCullough was making his name known as a promising running back for Campbell Memorial High School in Ohio. Smith introduced himself to McCullough telling him that he was there to recruit him for football at Miami University.

The chemistry was immediate, and over the years, their relationship continued. As McCullough sought to advance in the coaching ranks, he was offered an internship in 2014 with the Seattle Seahawks, thanks to help from Smith. “We always had a good relationship,” Smith said. “I was Coach Smith and that was my guy, Deland. … The fact that he was a running backs coach made it fun.”

After McCullough became a husband and a father of four, his questions about his own beginnings resurfaced. By November 2017, Pennsylvania had changed their laws. Deland was now able to see his mother’s name – Carol Denise Briggs. He searched and found his mother on Facebook and eventually they spoke on the phone. When she told him that his dad was a man named Sherman Smith, Deland McCullough says – “I was very excited. I was stunned. It was pretty surreal. I was blown back.”

His mom said she knew Smith in high school, but when he went away to college, she never told him a son existed. Smith went on to marry and become a father of two, with three grandchildren. Knowing this, McCullough quickly realized that when he shared the news, it would be shocking and life-altering for Smith.

McCullough called Smith and began explaining his years long process of finding his biological parents. Smith was happy for him. “And then he said her name,” Smith remembered. “And when he said her name, my heart dropped because I knew her. … I just felt terrible. I felt bad. I felt bad because I felt irresponsible. At that time when Deland called me, I was 63 years old, and you see things differently at 63 than you do when you’re 16 or 17 years old. I just felt so irresponsible.”

“Even when I was disappointed about my being irresponsible, there was gratitude; I was fortunate I was in his life,” Smith said.

Often Not The Fairy Tale

Today’s story is sad but all too often true for some adoptees in reunion.

The definition of a Fairy Tale is a story in which truth prevails over lies, generosity comes to be rewarded, obstacles are overcome by hard work and love, good triumphs over evil and mercy and kindness are the greatest powers. And sometimes this simply doesn’t match the reality. Here’s the story –

My adoptive parents are dead and were amazing to me. A few years ago, I met the birth parents. I have a hard time using the word parents for them because they’ve done nothing but hurt me. I was raised to be kind forgiving and loving but these people are everything but. Several times per week, I am insulted and tore down and it makes me cry. They are married to each other and apparently a perfect fit. Both exhibit 9 out of 10 traits of narcissism. They’ve tried to get me fired at work, tried to end my marriage, tried make my friends hate me, and essentially try to cut me off from everyone because they think I should be the person they think I should be. Every time he makes me cry he laughs. They’ve held grudges and gotten mad at me for having a sick child or being sick themselves. I had a very long hard struggle with cancer (genetic I might add) that I have deficits from and they tell me to stop having excuses. When my mom died, they told me they were glad she was dead. And the list goes on and on. I’m stupid, I’m a liar (but they refuse to let me know what I supposedly lied about), and my entire life is worthless according to them. I’m struggling because society says I have to want to be with them but I don’t. They hurt me so deeply and so often I feel sick. I don’t want to be an a**hole but I had no idea how mentally abusive they are. The rest of their family minus the bio grandma is crazy. What should I do? I want to cut contact but I know I’ll get push back. Has anyone navigated anything similar? I’ve tried to make this relationship work for 3 years and it isn’t working. And all I get is people guilting me into thinking I need to maintain this toxic relationship.

One comment noted – your experience shows another side of the adoptee reunion story. Many times adoptive or foster parents get criticized for “having stolen” from the child in their care, the right to be with their birth families. Some adoptees fantasize what their birth families are / were… but sometimes, in reunion, they find those birth parents are not the fairy tale they imagined.

Wanted To Be Found

One adoptee answered a mother of loss’s dilemma with “I always wanted to be found.” When I found my cousin, the daughter of my mom’s half-sister, who knew my mom had bee adopted out of the family, she told me that her mom always hoped my mom would turn up, would find her, so they could sit and chat. This half-sister had only died a few months before I learned of her. My adoptee mom wanted to find her mom but was denied by the state of Tennessee.

Here’s the story of her dilemma – I had my son when I was 15. I was still a child and had no idea what I was doing. I believed that it would be in the best interest of my child to have a stable family with a mom and a dad who would be able to provide for him. I grew up in a broken home and I didn’t want that for my son. I interviewed so many hopeful adoptive parents, until I found a couple that seemed like family. We communicated via email, pictures/letters – always from me to the adoptive mother. I have never had any contact with my son directly. He will be 20 this coming summer and I have found him on social media. My question is for adoptees, do I reach out? I want so badly to have a relationship with him but I also don’t want to disrupt the life that he has. I did grow up, get married and have additional children. Will my attempt to forge a relationship with him at this point be more of a negative impact on his life?

An adoptee answers – He may be different. Each person’s journey is different. For me, I would have liked it if my first mother reached out to me. I’d say the only way to find out is to ask him. Part of the struggle as an adoptee is not having the opportunity to decide any of these things for ourselves. Give him the choice. Be prepared for whatever he decides.

Another adoptee notes – The majority of adopted people would appreciate your reaching out. Offering to answer any questions he might have. Knowing that he is an adult now, but perhaps not knowing if he was actually told that he was adopted… or if he does know, exactly what he was told about you. There’s also the concept that many adopted people don’t want to hurt their raising parents – it is crazy how often adopters really do let us know that it is “hurtful” to seek out the original family members. Definitely do reach out – don’t go overboard until he gives you feedback as to what his own situation and feelings are… I wish that my own mother wasn’t so traumatized by the system, so we could have even one adult conversation. A relationship? I would have jumped at that opportunity. I wish that for you all.

In response to the above, another adoptee affirmed – I want to emphasize the do not go overboard. Go slow, like molasses. Let him choose the pace. Don’t spurt out answers to questions he my not even know he has yet. And keep a journal, both for him and for you. It can act as a release valve. All the things you wanted to say, but it was too soon. I wish you peace going forward.

Another said – I would have loved it if my first mum initiated contact but completely understand her thoughts around this are different to mine. I don’t think initiating contact would disrupt anyone’s life. If he knows he was relinquished, he would most likely have the thought of contact floating around in his head .

A late discovery adoptee shares – Found my biological father at 20. Would have been great to know he had also been looking for me. One of the big things I struggle with is being angry, even after 18 years since finding him. Angry he knew and never tried and that I missed out on years of knowing my younger siblings and extended family.

Another says simply – Please reach out to him for both of your sakes.

One adoptee admits – I wish my biological family would reach out. It was a closed adoption and I know nothing about my background. I reached out via 23 and Me to a brother I found but I have had no response. I would love for my biological family to find me but everyone’s journey is different. I had a tumultuous upbringing and I have no family – so it would be nice for me to connect. I’m 37 and I didn’t realize how much I wanted this until recently. Went my entire life not knowing and not caring about my biological family. Only recently, have I had a change of feelings. I would do it if I were you – just be prepared if your biological son is hurt and let him express his feelings. Listening is so important.

One writes – I wish my mother would have ever reached out to me. I had to spend most of my adult life searching for her and it made me feel like it wasn’t worthwhile because my thoughts were ‘if she wanted to, she would’. You don’t have to disrupt, just a message letting them know that the door is open, if they are interested in having a conversation. I would have loved to know I wasn’t forgotten.

Yet another – My advice would be to go for it. You never know if you don’t try. I had been looking for my mom and she had been looking for me, but she found my contact info first and made the initial contact. You never know – he might be looking, too. Wishing you the best. It meant a lot to know my mom had been trying to find me, too.

This was good advice too – When my birth family (siblings) reached out to me, I didn’t respond right away (took me a year). I needed time to take it in due to situations going on. If he doesn’t respond right away, I don’t want you to feel defeated or rejected. Some of us need time to process it. I wish you the very best & encourage you to reach out.

Another shares – I’d say to definitely reach out but leave the terms open for him to decide / control. It was very hard on me when my “mom” reached out to me the first time. It ended up turning very negative, but I can say that at least it happened. My “dad” to this day, despite speaking with my sister, his other daughter, and having a relationship with her.. he has made zero attempt to know me or reach out. Put the ball in his court but take that first step. You don’t want to regret not doing so and I’m sure he would at least be curious!

Yet another experience – I didn’t get to speak to my dad from 12/13-22 and when I finally reached out, I felt very bummed that I could find him so easy but he never tried to find me. I think you run the risk of being rejected, of course, but you still would be doing the right thing by reaching out and just saying – if there’s anything you want to know, I will answer it and I would love to learn more about you, and whatever boundaries you need to set, you are more than welcome to.

Finally, this – Reach out. It is achingly horrible not knowing. I found my first mom before she found me. They lied to her. I unsealed it all and met her face to face within weeks. The reunion hasn’t been all roses and unicorns. But I’m so glad to know her today.

In a later response, this mother wrote – Thank you everyone for your insights on this matter! I know that every situation is different, I was just hoping that if posted, I would get a wide variety of responses to help me. I will be reaching out. Now I just need to try to find the words that convey how much I am willing to be there for him but also, I don’t want to put any stress or pressure. I am definitely willing to go at his pace or no pace at all, if that is his choice. It’s such a fine line and I don’t want to make any more mistakes. I do know that he was told he was adopted – so I won’t be completely destroying his world. Thank you again for your help!

It Often Happens

Shawn and Melissa

Many Tuesdays, I am short on time and that is true today. Also, something that often happens is that a parent admits that in their younger days, a child was given up for adoption. So today, I offer you a LINK>the day I met my long-lost brother to a happy reunion story that I read in The Guardian.

Melissa begins by sharing – she was 18 when her father revealed he had given up a son for adoption. He and his ex-partner had a baby in Canada and the child had been adopted.

It is always easy to smile at the thought that we don’t have to wait until we are in heaven to meet a sibling we lost and never got the chance to know when we were children. Second chances for genetic family relationships happen all the time.