Adoptive Parent Perspective

A birth mother posted a photo, 17 years later, upon reunion with the daughter she gave up for adoption. The birth mother wrote – “Every year on her birthday, every Mother’s Day, every holiday, every moment that passed, I felt her absence.”

In response, an adoptive mother wrote – Speaking from the other side of the equation, it IS heartbreaking to know that after a lifetime of love and effort in raising your child, that ultimately you’re never going to be enough for them. You’ll ultimately be forced to share what it usually means to be a parent.

I full understand the point of view of the adopted child. Trust me when I say, there is a lifetime of pain for everyone involved. The biological mother suffers a lifetime of separation and uncertainty. The adopted child suffers from not knowing the particulars about their own biology.

And then there is a double dose of suffering for the adoptive parents. To begin with, usually one of the adoptive parents are unable to have biological children, so the adoptive parents are forced to mourn the loss of the children they will never have.

Next comes the search for a child in need, then, there is the huge financial burden. No matter what avenue you choose, it ends up costing tens of thousands of dollars in paperwork and other fees. Then the adoptive parents are forced to go through almost 2 years of background checks and in home assessments. Again I full understand how necessary these steps are. That being said, it is still a LOT of stress and costs that biological parents don’t have to incur and deal with.

Adoption is difficult for everyone involved, and honestly, if asked if I would go through the adoption process again ? My choices may not be the same. This is something that people, particularly adoptive parents, usually refuse to share publicly.

Chile’s Illegal Adoption Scandal

I wrote about this before in 2021 – LINK>The Chilean Scandal. Today, the story is back in my awareness thanks to The Guardian LINK>She was told her babies were dead.

Siblings Sean Ours, 40, and Emily Reid, 39, walked into Santiago airport arrivals together, having arrived on a flight from the US. Even though they had never met the mother, Sara, in person, there was no question that she was their biological mother – they share the same eyes, the same infectious smile.

These adoptee’s story is just one of tens of thousands relating to Chilean families torn apart by illegal adoption. Parents were typically told that their babies were lost or dead. In reality, they had been stolen and sold, facilitated by a network of social workers, faith officials and health and legal professionals across the country. Thousands of dollars were paid by American and European families for newborns they believed had been given up willingly.

LINK>Connecting Roots is an NGO dedicated to redressing the damage caused by decades of Chile’s forced and illegal adoption. Tyler Graf lives in the Houston area and is happily married with a son of his own. He has served as a firefighter for the Houston Fire Department since 2009. In 2012, destiny gave him an opportunity to connect to his Chilean roots. During a week-long specialized training session offered by the department to foreign firefighters, Graf met members of the Fire Engine 20 Department of Santiago, Chile. He was excited to meet the team and assist as they trained in techniques to combat high-rise fires. As Graf became acquainted with one Chilean fireman, Juan Luis, he shared what he knew about his adoption.

Nearly 10 years later, Graf received a message from Juan Luis. The humanitarian non-profit organization, Hijos e Madres del Silencio, had located documents that linked Graf with his potential birth mother. After submitting additional adoption documents and DNA testing to confirm he and his mother’s relation, the match was verified.

During the dictatorship of Augusto Pinochet (1973-1990) an estimated 20,000 infants were stolen from their mothers, mostly from poverty-stricken areas. Poor, young and Indigenous communities were targeted, and a climate of fear made it impossible for families to question or dispute the loss of their child. Knowing there are other Chilean adoptees within his age group, Tyler Graf founded Connecting Roots.

Some individuals have been named as being actively involved in facilitating illegal adoptions abroad, but the network was so extensive and the practice so longstanding that no one has been held accountable. One judge, Jaime Balmaceda, stated in March that so far he has “not been able to establish that a crime had taken place”.

The various non-profit organizations, Connecting Roots, Hijos y Madres del Silencio and Nos Buscamos, work separately and have helped facilitate at least 700 reunifications.

Why Didn’t She Keep Me

The truth is – issues of how the previous or subsequent child/ren feel about the adoption of their relinquished sibling are almost NEVER addressed when a unexpectant mother is being counseled about relinquishing her baby. It happens. Lives change over time. That is why in activist groups opposing adoption – mothers contemplating surrendering their baby to adoption are often counseled not to chose a permanent solution to what may be a temporary problem.

When a previously relinquished child goes into a reunion with their biological mother and discovers that she has subsequently had other children who she has kept and raised, this understandably raises issues in the adoptee’s mind.

Today, I read something from an adoptive mother about having been “found” by the biological mother of her adopted son. This mother has two other children she is parenting who are said to be too young to understand the dynamics and so is the adopted son. She is about him in the future and what he will think like “why didn’t she keep me?”

An adoptee answers – I think that “why didn’t she keep me” is the core question of all adoptees, even the ones that have not re-met their birth mother. The best you can do is be prepared for these feelings and questions. You’re already aware, so that’s a great step! You may need to invite him to speak about it by casual age appropriate conversations with him. Even if he doesn’t ask questions, he needs to know that it’s safe to. Support and understand as best as you can. I appreciate that you have his best interest in mind.

Another adoptee adds – I am certain the one thing all adoptees have in common is the question, “Why didn’t she keep me.” It’s “natural” for moms to keep their babies – so for us, it’s just one big question. Even when we are told the “why.”

A transracial adoptee confirms – ‘Why didn’t she keep me?’ is on adoptees’ minds throughout our lives.

One adult adopted as an infant says – we always ask hard questions – like why didn’t she keep me ? I had a completely closed adoption and I still ask this all the time.

blogger’s note – this is often in my own mind too. Though life is full of situations and circumstances that can throw any life expectations out of reach, it is understandable that any child that is surrendered will always wonder. Even when they know the honest answer.

Not Uncommon At All

Today’s adoptee story –

I reconnected with my biological mom, confirmed a LOT I was told by some mysterious people and as a treat I called my “dad” (adoptive dad) and confronted him about all the lies he and my “mom” told me. He vehemently denied it of course but then, he was like “it’s water under the bridge anyway.” SO YOU ADMIT IT…

For context: my adoptive parents told me ever since I was little that my bio mom wanted an abortion but they tried to get her to be a parent for 2 years.

The TRUTH is that my biological mom was just 16 and scared. She was told it would be an open adoption (blogger’s note – commonly used to get cooperation but never enforceable) where she would still have visitation rights. But my adoptive parents tricked her and had her sign a closed adoption agreement. My biological mom was too trusting of my adoptive parents and they held it over her for years, until my adoptive mom finally cut her off when I was 10. She went so far as to even intercept mail and calls, making it where I couldn’t easily find my biological mom for years, even into my adulthood. I finally found her 3 months ago but she was in jail for a DUI. Her life has been pretty bad since she had a falling out with my half brother. My biological mom isn’t perfect but in the few hours we talked, she was kinder and more honest than my adoptive parents ever were.

One response was – Stories like this are why I am all for the complete and utter abolishing of adoption. The system is never going to get better.

A Lot Of Reasons

It is tricky not to feel rejected – today’s story (not my own) is from an adoptive mom.

I need suggestions on how to support my daughter. She is 8, but very wise. I also have her brother. We found their mom two-three years ago. The first time, contact didn’t last long due to mom. Now they have had a relationship for about 1 1/2 years. Initially they saw her at least weekly and talked on the phone multiple times a week. Then, she had a baby and recently got back custody of her oldest. The contact with my two is now sporadic. They were able to spend Christmas Day with her and her family. I understand why contact is less. I have told mom she takes the lead and I will do whatever. I know it is super hard for her for a lot of reasons. Some emotional and some just time constraints. I do what I can to make things easy and also, don’t want to be a nag or make her feel bad. I talked about this with my daughter and explained the why, as best I can. Unfortunately she still feels bad. And then, I get jealous for her, when I see her mom’s life with her other two. My daughter made a comment the other day that she was rejected by her family. I talked with her about it and told her in no way was she rejected and it wasn’t about her. I know what I say though doesn’t ease that thought.

One response was this – what stood out to me in this post was that her mom had a baby and got custody back of her oldest. That’s heavy. So in my mind and (hear me out) most likely every one else’s – you, as the adoptive parent, are the one standing in the way of full on reconciliation here. You can’t fix that unless you come to terms with that. Would this mom have her daughter back, if you didn’t legally adopt her and cut that option off ? She’s a middle child of 3 and the only child not with her mom. Yea there is a lot to unpack here and I think it starts with you. The adoptive mom’s response was – I also have her brother, so the two middle children. But yes, I know. And mom and I briefly talked about it. Nothing serious. To which the follow on response was – maybe a serious conversation needs to happen about these kids being re-adopted by their mother. ASAP.

From an adoptee – I am stuck on one sentence… “I have told mom she takes the lead and I will do whatever.” You know it’s hard, by your own words… Why are you not helping your children have a relationship with their mother by making it easier for her? I feel like you’ve set this up to be even harder for her – navigating life with a baby, reunification of an older child and trying to foster relationships with her children in your care. You’re in the position of power here. Make it easier for your children to have a relationship with their mother, and their siblings by actually doing things to make it easier for them. Stepping back just seems like such a cop out. You need to do the hard things for the children in your care. Make the calls. Set up times for them to get together in ways that don’t add extra stress to their biological family. This isn’t just their relationship to watch happen – as a primary adult in their life, you need to work at making this successful too. The adoptive mom responded – I have. I have my kids make calls. They go unanswered. Or she will promise a call, overnight visit, day out whatever. Then when the time comes she ghosts. Doesn’t call or answer phone. I had my daughter call in Valentine’s Day. No answer or response to the voicemail. One suggestion from another was to include Grandma and this one shared – Please include any other family even if mom isn’t around. The boys I adopted, their mom is going through A LOT and has been for quite some time. But I have always kept contact with grandma. She’s the one that has been around the most and the one that I speak with the most. While she’s not around as much as I would like, it’s better than nothing. And one adoptee suggested – not having your daughter “call in” with that potential to be rejected. That’s so painful. If you call and her mother picks up and is happy to talk, then I think that would be the time to ask your daughter if she wants to connect (not vice versa).

Bangladesh Sisters Reunite

Kana Verheul, center, with her niece, right, and her long-lost sister Taslima, left.

Excerpts from a story in The Guardian – LINK>The stranger across from me was my sister: how one adoptee uncovered a tragic past.

After decades of trying in vain to find her siblings, Verheul joined forces with other people in her situation to set up an organization called the Shapla Community, creating a network of hundreds of Bangladesh adoptees raised in the Netherlands. If she could not find her own family, she could at least help others find theirs.

Verheul was among those from Shapla who spent hours interviewing Bangladeshis with extraordinary stories about their children, many of whom claim they were taken for adoption abroad without their consent. It was one of these interviews that led her to the cafe meeting with a woman from the area where she was born. Verheul tried to see if there was any family resemblance with the woman, but could not see any. “Some details matched but some did not,” she says. “Her sister was called Nasima. I truly believed that Kana was my real Bangladeshi name because it was in my birth papers. I couldn’t comprehend that I may be Nasima. Then I asked them the name of the village I have in my Bangladeshi passport, and she said, ‘Yes, that’s where we lived before.’”

Verheul was still not convinced, so she asked if there were any birthmarks. “The woman said her mother would often tell bedtime stories about the sister who was lost, that they both had the same birthmark on their leg. This was a shock because I have one on my knee.” In disbelief, the women headed to the toilets and revealed their almost identical birthmarks. They hugged and cried, and soon afterwards, Verheul says, “I finally saw the resemblances between us – in her hands, her mannerisms. I have really funny feet, and she has the same funny feet,” she laughs. “It felt undeniable, but I couldn’t accept it fully until the result of the DNA test came in.”

Verheul returned to the Netherlands and anxiously awaited the results. Two weeks after they met, a DNA test confirmed they were sisters. “I remember like it was yesterday. I was driving on the highway when the doctor called. I could finally accept that this was my sister. Immediately I got a huge headache. I had to stop next to the road. I started crying. From all over, from my ears, from my toes, from deep inside me. I cried for an hour.”

Amid the joy of finding the woman she had spent decades trying to find, her sister, Taslima, was able to explain to Verheul how she came to be adopted abroad as a baby. The story she shared horrified Verheul, but it also confirmed suspicions that she had had for years. Verheul, a mother of two, clearly adores her “wish parents”, the term she uses to describe couples who adopt. Taslima told Verheul their mother had never intended to give her away. She explained that her father had three wives, and one of them had convinced him to take Nasima to a daycare home nearby when her mother was away because she had become ill and needed medical care. When Verheul’s mother came back and discovered what had happened, it was too late. Nasima had already gone from the children’s home. She had been adopted by a couple in the Netherlands who believed she was an orphan. “My mother divorced my father because of this,” says Verheul. “My father passed away in 2012, my mother in 2014,” she says. “But they were still alive when I was searching for my family in Tongi. At one point, I had even stood on the doorstep of my father’s home. That still hurts.”

In 2017, Shapla was officially founded, to help adoptees find their relatives in Bangladesh. The organization began recruiting fieldworkers in both countries – volunteers who would interview relatives, collect data and identify leads that could eventually result in a reunion. They set up a DNA database and started to collate everyone’s adoption documents. “That’s when we saw certain patterns – the adoption storylines were all the same. The mother had died of poor health, father died in an accident, and grandmother or aunt brought the baby to a home.” Some information was identical, says Verheul, like “a copy-and-paste job”. The group believes that instead of international adoption, the focus should be on supporting vulnerable families, strengthening youth care systems, and improving quality of care in countries of origin so children can be cared for in familiar surroundings. Their argument is in line with the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child, which recognizes the right of children to grow up in their own culture, befitting their own identity.

“As an adoptee you often hear, ‘You’re lucky, now you have a good life.’ But you cannot really compare the two,” says Kana. “In one sense I feel lucky that I have the best of both worlds. But nothing makes up for the loss you had to endure. Because I lost my family and my real identity.” She recently bought a plot of land in the village named in her passport. “I want to build a house there, for my sister to live in if she wishes. I would like to spend time there too.”

Why No Contact

Today’s story (not my own) – My adoptive mother keeps telling me that if my biological family wanted to contact me, they would have done that already, so clearly they’re not interested. I did have my biological brother reach out to me on and off a few years ago, but ultimately, he ghosted me. While I do see the logic that if they wanted to contact me they would have already, considering I’m 38 years old, at the same time I don’t think that’s necessarily true. Because one could say the same of an adoptee not getting in contact with her original mother. And there may have been lots of reasons why I haven’t made contact with her yet.

Anyway, my question is, would it necessarily mean you didn’t want to be contacted, if you haven’t been contacted already, and it’s decades later? I kind of want to contact my biological sister, but my adoptive parents have said clearly they don’t want to hear from me. I am 38 and I know they all could find my Facebook account, because that’s how my brother found me. (If I did contact anybody though, I’ve decided not to tell my adoptive parents.)

One woman who aged out of foster care noted – An adoptive parent repeatedly telling you your birth mother is not interested in contacting you, would make me more suspicious that she’s told her to stay away. I personally would not allow her to set that precedent for you.

One adoptee noted – and then there’s the fear that you will pick your biological family over your adoptive parents.

One adoptive parent said – I personally think that it doesn’t mean they’re not interested. They may very well just not want to come to you before you’re ready. They could just be waiting for you to reach out and even hoping that you do!

Blogger’s note – When I met the daughter of my mom’s paternal step-sister, she told me that when they visited Memphis (where my grandparents married and where my mom was taken from her mother into adoption), they would search the phone book for the surname Stark, which was my grandmother’s maiden name (clearly they knew that much). However, there were so many in the phone book with that last name, they didn’t know how to narrow down the choices to even try.

One mom who surrendered her child 43 years ago (often referred to as MOL or Mother of Loss) and finally reconnected with them only 2 years ago – agrees, yes fear, insecurity & selfishness !!! She says, I can’t with these adoptive parents!! They trigger me – they pass these negative feelings onto our children, which makes them feel OBLIGATED to regard their feelings towards their adoptive parents above their adoptee feelings. This is the main reason our children are afraid to search for us or even talk about us. And that is why adoptees are so conflicted about reaching out !!

Another mother of loss says – As old as you are, your mother was almost certainly strongly discouraged from contacting you, even after you turned 18, and she may have even been told that she was not legally allowed to.

Which led another person to note the obvious – You are 38 years old, you can do what you want.

Blogger’s note – in fact, it is not uncommon for adoptive parents to infantalize their adult adoptees. I have come across precisely that concept before, so I did a quick google search and found this in Kindred+Co by Sarah Williams – LINK>How Adoptive Parents Can Empower Their Adult Adoptees. She says, “Something prevalent in adoption; especially transracial adoption is the infantilization of adoptees. Maybe it’s unexamined prejudices and racist narratives adoptive parents have told themselves but I am finding more and more adoptees struggling to articulate for themselves their hopes and dreams apart from their adoptive parents. They are the same; until they aren’t. I have had many conversations with adoptees who want to switch their career paths, come out as LGBTQ+, search for their birth families, learn more about their birth culture, but are afraid to out of fear of alienating their adoptive parents whom they feel “indebted’’ to. So much so, that adoptees are no longer living their life informed by their hopes and dreams but entirely controlled by their adoptive parents who feel as if they have the “right” to project and control adoptees’ lives.

What If ?

If you are an adoptive parent, how would you answer ?

As a birthmom, I am entirely hopeful that when my child grows up, if he decides he wants to come home to me – they will let him. How would you feel if your adopted child does or doesn’t “bond” into your home or dynamic and STILL wants to return to their biological family ? Would you let them do it ? Would you let them be adopted back to their biological parent ? How would you feel ? What would you do if they were old enough to leave home legally and went back to their biological family ? (In some states you can leave at 16-17 and not be considered missing.)

Adoptive parent’s responses –

I would absolutely help them establish a bond with their natural family. Because it’s about them, not me. In my opinion, the more people who love a child / adult, the better. So why would I have any problem with that ? I hope you can reunite with your little one.

Absolutely! My two adoptive children came to us very young, but they knew about their family, pictures, we talked about them at home (although my daughter was afraid of them and didn’t like to talk about them), my daughter talked about them in therapy (Reactive Attachment Disorder and a variety of other mental health issues), etc. Her brother has a variety of cognitive and physical disabilities, but he would still look at pictures. My daughter has made contact with her mother, but as far as I know, hasn’t really established a relationship with her. I think that it’s really important for adoptive children to have the tools and supports necessary to connect with their family, and as adults, decide how to proceed.

From a foster parent in the process of adoption – I am a foster parent in the process of adoption. I am sure this is a very hard thing to process for adoptive parents. I have tried to educate myself about adoption trauma and how to parent my adopted child. I’m sure it would feel hurtful in one sense but also good to know that your child is able to have that relationship and not have to wonder about his biological family. I think a lot of it depends on the relationship between the adoptive and biological families. As long as both can be respectful towards each other and keep the child’s best interest number one, I think it can be a very good thing and exactly what the child needs. But, two adults fighting or pursuing a child to be one place or the other and not respectful of each other’s role in the child’s life, I think that could just cause more trauma for the child. I’m sure you would get a different answer from someone who hasn’t kept a relationship with the biological family or become adoption informed. Good luck and I hope you’re able to keep a relationship with your child and his adoptive parents !

Health Is Why Some Reach Out

My mom had a mysterious health condition which caused her to want contact with her original mother (before she was adopted). Today’s story reminds me that is the reason many adoptees search for their genetic family.

I was adopted at birth. My son and I have been dealing with some neurological health issues and we were ultimately diagnosed this year with a genetic nerve disease. It pushed me to do Ancestry and I found my paternal family. My half brother and his wife are very active on social media, so I reached out to them and it’s been wonderful. His dad told him about me when he was a teenager, so that made it easier on both of us.

(blogger’s note – I found out something similar from the daughter of my mom’s genetic, paternal half-sister. Her father had told her mother about my mom. It did help a lot regarding how I felt about that side of my complicated family.)

He’s so receptive and we text quite a bit. He’s been able to clear up the medical stuff and provide family information. I’ve been able to provide info he didn’t know. I asked him if he was going to tell his dad and he said yes but he hasn’t, yet. It’s been about 4 months and I think he’s worried about what his parents’ response will be and there is another brother that doesn’t know about me either. On one hand, I’m in no hurry and feel so grateful. This has been such a blessing. On the other, I feel a little vulnerable waiting on his timeline. I’m always wondering if he’s told him and if he wants nothing to do with me (the agency reached out to him in 2009 and he never responded).

blogger’s note – In my own experiences as well. This is how it goes. A step or two forward and then . . . not much.

Can’t Force Relationships

It really can be heartbreaking but there really is no way to force a relationship or even communication.

One adoptee writes about meeting her biological sibling but it has not gone very well “she will be in my life for a good 1 or 2 months, then totally cut me off, and then come back…”

Another adoptee writes – “My full sister (a year older) and I met when in college. That is when she first learned about me. All was well until she stopped talking to me. Found out later that my first mom told her that she either has a sister or a mother but not both.” She adds, “Wish I could have more communication but I can’t force her.”

Someone else wisely notes – “Everyone has emotions. We can’t assume our siblings understand the void of wanting that bond, just because we feel it.” She added (which I understand from personal experience with my own relatives) “we have our own lives and I’m not mentally over thinking, just got tired asking what if’s. I know I didn’t do anything wrong, it’s ok they don’t wanna call.” Lastly, she adds – “What’s the worst that can happen? She rejects you …then you can lift the weight and move on. Or she can tell you her side and you tell your side. Then, you grow your relationship and understand one another …” It takes time and maybe sometimes time doesn’t resolve it. It just is and we have to come to accept that.

Yet another responded to the full post of the first one with – “I felt like I could have written this. I’m 39 and my sister is 40 (she was adopted) and we JUST met last month. Have been talking for several months. We seemed like instant sisters and best friends. Neither of us have any other true siblings in our lives. On text she will go several days chatting and disappear for weeks. I’m having such a hard time navigating this. I wanted so badly to have a sister and I’m trying really hard to meet her where she’s at and appreciate the smallest amount she will give me but I’m just having a hard time.”

Another adoptee writes – “I have a similar story with a brother who initially reached out to me. I wish I could say it gets easier – well. It does. But it takes a while. I’ll never know the reasons why he stepped away from me, but I’ve learned to just accept that he has his own way of processing.”

Though I’m not an adoptee, I am the child of 2 adoptees who has located my extended genetic family for all 4 lines (the children or relatives of my 2 grandmothers and 2 grandfathers). It isn’t easy when decades of each other’s lives do not overlap, when you do not share those familial commonalities and histories. All we can do is be available and willing . . . with no small amount of patience for the processes of time and the occasional contact.