Neuro Emotional Technique

I bring this up because so many adoptees and first moms (women who surrendered a child for adoption) suffer from the effects of those traumas and there could easily (often are) other aspects that disturb peace of mind and heart.

Neuro Emotional Technique (NET) is a research backed treatment to help release and overcome past traumas and unresolved stressful events. Clearing stress and trauma blockages allow you to make decisions without attachment to previous negative emotional experiences and to rebuild positive response patterns in your life.

From literature through the National Institutes of Health – Library of Medicine on a LINK>randomized controlled trial of the Neuro Emotional Technique (NET) for childhood Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).The use of complementary and alternative medicine (CAM) has increased over the years, especially for developmental and behavioral disorders, such as ADHD. 60–65% of parents with children with ADHD have used CAM. Medical evidence supports a multidisciplinary approach (i.e. pharmacological and psychosocial) for the best clinical outcomes. The Neuro Emotional Technique (NET), a branch of Chiropractic, was designed to address the biopsychosocial aspects of acute and chronic conditions including non-musculoskeletal conditions. Anecdotally, it has been suggested that ADHD may be managed effectively by NET.

Evidence suggests that 10–30% of children with ADHD who have been prescribed stimulant medications, do not show clinically significant outcomes, and others experience side-effects and need to discontinue their medications. The most common side effects of stimulant medications are appetite suppression, weight loss, sleep disturbances, irritability, stomach aches, headaches, rashes, and occasionally the development or aggravation of tics. For these children, additional strategies need to be implemented in order to achieve a successful outcome.

There are no known side effects and there have not been any reports of adverse reactions to the NET protocol. Most practitioners are in the chiropractic field.

Sometimes The Pain Is Great

Black History Month

Trauma is stored in the DNA that is passed down through generations to descendants. One of the worst traumas that our country of the United States is guilty of is how long slavery lasted and how it was followed by Jim Crow laws. We still have a long way to go.

Today a Black mother who was coerced (and she is quick to note that coercion is not consent) but who believed lies about having an open adoption that would allow her ample contact with her son, who is being raised by white adoptive parents, was ranting. Her pain is palpable. My heart breaks as I read her words.

One hears echoes of that ancestral trauma in her first thoughts – Adoptees are bought and sold. You can change their name, their entire birth certificate & identity. They are then tasked with fulfilling the role you paid for them to fill.

She notes that due to this being a transracial adoption – it does not allowing the child’s body to give and receive all of the genetic input they would get with the biological parents, when they live & grow together. Instead the adoptive parents are fine with that and not because “the lifelong trauma of adoption + no genetic mirrors + maternal separation + finding out he was stolen and his parents wanted him back + unseasoned cultural trauma + possible religious trauma + the trauma of being transracially adopted & mean kids shit on him for it all throughout his life ” but believe he is better off than “2-3 years of trauma + therapy + reunification”.

What she seeks is that they give the child back to its biological family, noting that is not abandonment, it’s reunification. Also that a child will still seek out their true parents, even when raised by genetic strangers.

Counseling On Adoption Trauma

Today’s question – Do you feel like you were informed or educated on adoption trauma prior to adoption/guardianship ?

A mom who gave her child up for adoption answers – I was never offered counseling nor thought to seek it. When I did google information on adoption back then, nothing about trauma came up. If I had known then what I know now, I never would have done it. I have regretted it every single day of my life and will until the day I die. In response, someone noted – Those sentiments in a conversation with an adult child. Feelings of having been coerced (universally common in agency adoptions). Regret. Loss. Honestly expressing these may go a long way to help her and the child heal as they come out of the fog. An adoptee who also surrendered a child to adoption adds – It was incredibly healing to hear similar from my mom, and having that conversation with my son brought us even closer. What would have been unbelievably hurtful would have been to hear that my mom was happy she gave me away.

The experience is different when adopting through foster care – an adoptive parent answers – Yes and no. The agency we adopted through, the program we did, was mostly older (in the adoption world) placements through foster care. So yes, there was a lot of information about trauma. I felt very well educated and very well informed. We read a lot of books, had a lot of mental health resources already in place, attended trainings, etc. I am also a psychiatric nurse, so I had exposure to it already. That being said, there was still a lot of focus on the trauma being prior to adoption or early in adoption process. Since we were educated on how important birth family was, to honor that loss and grief, keep connections, and knew not to punish behaviors that were from trauma, utilize/provide resources for the children and ourselves etc, then everything would be rainbows and unicorns eventually. (Reality check – it is NOT that false narrative.)

Another adoptive parent shares – No. The Dept of Social Services (DSS) didn’t give any information, but I had studied adoption trauma in grad school. DSS was actually “shocked” when I said that my foster daughter needed therapy. Thankfully, we were referred to an OUTSTANDING doctor who dealt almost exclusively with adoption trauma, including Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD).

One who has guardianship notes – there was nothing. The judge signed the order and I had to figure it out from there. Child Protective Services stopped in one time to make sure we were minimally sufficient and we had one call from the court investigator. There was no support or information given. I actually find it really frustrating because when we finally did get a little support it was like a quarter of the amount foster parents get. And I was trying to keep a family member out of the system. To become a foster parent there were multiple classes. I’m not sure if they were actually as unhelpful as I remember but the whole process was overwhelming (I was 20, my cousin was going into foster care, long term guardianship was denied and we had to get approved, so he didn’t go to strangers). I’ll be honest. I was not trauma informed at all. I didn’t have a great understanding of addiction, mental health and trauma. As we get closer to adopting (a separate kin placement 6 years later) there has been a lot more information but we haven’t been offered counseling specifically. There was a two day adoption class through the state that was actually really informative and had people from all parts of the triad there to speak. We have cared for older children but it was a fight to get services for them and one child that needed medication wasn’t able to get it until reunification.

The Reality Of Not Knowing

Blogger’s note – Though I grew up believing my parents must have been orphans because they were adopted, I never thought their origin stories were fairytales. The image came from the International Association of Adopted People (IAAP) who noted that – Every time you asked about your biological family and received dismissive remarks, it was a trauma. Every time someone corrects you on who your “real parents are” It is another micro trauma.

One adoptee agrees – adoption is one of the most devastating things that can happen to someone. It’s unnatural and from the adoptee’s perspective, it can be extremely scary. I was terrified. And my fears were always realized. It truly is more like a horror story than a fairy tale.

One woman noted the effects on her life – Answering security questions for data access: Where was your father born? What’s your father’s middle name? What’s the middle name of your oldest sibling? Where were your parents married? As soon as I see these are the first options for security question my anxiety ratchets up and my hands shake. I’d say this is a trauma response. I found out at the age of 52 that my entire existence has been a lie. My colleagues suggested I just lie or make up an answer as who’s gonna know ? Me. I’ll know. I won’t lie.

For me, it’s always been the medical history. Sorry that you were lied to, I always knew I was adopted. That’s supposed to be less traumatic to know, even if you don’t know who, when, where or why. (Blogger’s note – it was a mysterious health problem that got my adoptee mom wanting to connect with her birth mother.)

Someone else noted – we are all aware that adoption entities encouraged and fabricated falsehoods in order to make their product for sale maximally appealing. (Blogger’s note – In fact, Georgia Tann absolutely did this regarding my mom – changing her birth parents ages and educational status to match what my mom’s adoptive mother had specified.)

Another noted – The worst thing about adoption is closed adoptions. The second worst thing is you cannot get your original birth certificate in some states. Secrecy, shame and religious politics rule. (Blogger’s note – both of my adoptee parents adoptions were “closed” because it was the 1930s. I also found it impossible to acquire original birth certificates from Virginia or California.) Though someone noted – for many adoptees there are things FAR WORSE than not having access to their original birth certificate ! (Blogger’s note – sadly I do know there are, I’ve read far too many accounts of such in an all things adoption group.)

Then someone else notes – A lot of these adoptive parent marriages are not fairytales either. (Blogger’s note – my dad’s first adoptive father was an abusive, raging alcoholic. His adoptive mother eventually threw the man out. I learned via Ancestry.com that he died young of cirrhosis of the liver.) I don’t know why they call an even possibly good marriage a fairytale anyway? I think that whole “you were chosen thing” is a joke too. Yeah, you actually have to pick who you have a relationship with but if you’re adopted as a baby, you’re not really chosen except for maybe basic things you don’t have any control over anyway.

And from my own experience of learning my actual biological, genetic roots I can appreciate what this woman shares – I recently identified my family and met my father months before he died. Knowing my origins has had an enormously positive impact on my mental health. I don’t have the constant questions going around my mind. I have brain space. This is what the kept must experience from day 1. The trauma continues because I can never be fully integrated into either family. However, now that all 4 “parents” are dead, the only word to express what I feel now is I am “free”. No more obligations to other people’s agendas.

You Can’t Fix This

A woman writes about her adopted son. He is now a teenager. She adopted him at age 6. She asks, “Has anyone else felt that their adopted child is still greatly affected by their past despite begin adopted in a healthier home ?”

His genetic mother was her sister-in-law and she is aware that his mother had mental health issues. Her adopted son had what she describes as extreme behavioral problems

blogger’s note – which really isn’t that uncommon in adopted children due to adoption trauma.

He was diagnosed with autism and ADHD. She says he is defiant.

blogger’s note – I get that. I have 2 sons – one was defiant and one was compliant.

She does recognize that now that he is older, his behavior is drastically better (though she credits school and church, and of course the environment she brought him into).

blogger’s note – Well, my “defiant” son is much easier now in his older years than at 6 as well and since he was educated at home and we don’t go to church, I think it just comes with adapting and maturing.

One commenter noted that from the adoptive parent’s perspective – all of his good traits are due to her parenting and all of his bad traits are due to his genetics.

A transracial adoptee commented – I feel so much for adoptees in homes like this. As a child who was labeled “bad” for having trauma responses and trouble forming healthy attachments, I know this kind of treatment from an adoptive parent only makes it harder for an adoptee to find healthy footing later in life. Really hope this kid finds a good, empathetic support system that lets them know that their trauma is valid.

Childhood Trauma

This will not be news to most adoptees. Still the statistics don’t lie about what childhood trauma does to the child. Being separated from the family that we were conceived within will always have a layer of trauma built in.

The effects of adoption trauma include grief and loss, problems in relationships, struggles with identity and sense of belonging, or behavioral and academic problems. Adoption trauma can also sometimes lead to more serious mental health concerns, including anxiety, ADHD, and suicidal ideation.

Just Google “Adoption Trauma” and you will find abundant sources of corroborating information.

Unpacking The Trauma

It feels like a kind of critical mass when I go looking for an image to fit a theme for my blog here and many of them are identified as coming from this blog. Therefore, it was a bit difficult to find something else but I did find the one for today at a site I was not previously familiar with called – Forbidden Family. The site’s author is Doris Michol Sippel who was adopted as Joan Mary Wheeler and writes as LEGITIMATEBASTARD. She is also an American civil rights activist fighting for the freedom of 7 to 10 million domestic-and-foreign-born adopted and donor-conceived people. Doris promotes family preservation, kinship care, and custodial guardianship as better alternatives to adoption. blogger’s note – I agree with Doris’ preferred alternatives.

In my all things adoption group I read this morning, about that group – We understand that “NOT ALL” people should be with their biological family. We understand that there are times where adoption has to happen. However, what a lot of people fail to understand is the WHOLE point of that group is about UNPACKING the TRAUMA of adoption. It’s NOT about the unicorn, rainbow & butterflies aspect of adoption. There are TONS of groups where anyone can brag about how amazing your adoption is and why you love it, but that’s not what the group I belong to is for.

Sometimes the lines get blurred.

In that group, we don’t need post after post telling us why adoption is needed or why it can be a good thing. We aren’t ignorant. We understand there are bad people in the world who don’t need children nor want them. This doesn’t need to be said, because it’s known, it’s common sense. That’s not what we are in the group to discuss. When a commenter switches the narrative to the one they want it to be, it takes away from the focus that is the group’s purpose.

One adoptee notes – *Sometimes* adoption genuinely is the best option. And it will STILL come with trauma, because trauma is inherent to adoption EVEN if, or BECAUSE, it is necessary. I’ve never understood why adoptive parents get so defensive, when this is brought up. It’s not even a personal attack or criticism. You could be the best adoptive parent in the world. Your child’s adoption could have been 100% necessary. You can have a strong bond and a great life together. And trauma can and will live alongside that.

blogger’s note – I am the first to admit that I would absolutely not even exist but for the adoption of both of my parents. It wasn’t until I learned the truth of their early life stories and then, found the group I lean so heavily on to write a blog every day, that I understood that I too was “in the fog” of believing that adoption was the most normal thing in the world. It is NOT. This has been quite to paradox for me to unpack late in life.

Feeling Safe To Be Honest

I tend not to be overly concerned with my privacy online and am very open about a lot of things. Maybe it is not a good thing that I am that way but that is simply how I prefer to live. That said, I do realize that some people must be more circumspect about what they say, due to family member or local friends. I could become more like that in the future; but so far, I have not had to.

Today, an adoptee shared a question for adoptive parents – If you were to see that you’re adoptee was in a group that privilege’s honest comments by adoptees and saw that they shared a comment about their own adoption trauma (whether it was an actual initial post or in comments related to someone else’s post), how would you feel ? Would you then validate their feelings or get defensive and deny that they have any trauma ? I am asking because I know for a fact – that if either or both if my adoptive parents were in a group where I felt safe to share my honest feelings, I’d never hear the end of how there’s “no way am I’m traumatized by my own adoption.”

So one adoptive parent answered – after being in a group like that, I have seen a different perspective. Everyone has their own feelings and their own perspective. I do believe adoption is traumatic. Generally speaking …there was a break down in the natural process of how things are suppose to work. Biological parents should have their biological children living with them. If that isn’t the case, it is simply going to be traumatic for a child who isn’t with their original family. So, if I discovered that my adopted children felt that pain, I would support them in any way they needed. I would absolutely validate their feelings, every person is entitled to their own feelings. And I feel that this what I have done with all my children, regarding their thoughts, feelings and beliefs.

Another adoptive parent wrote – I would ask if she wanted me to leave the group, so she felt she could share without me knowing. And I would hope I understand that there’s trauma and that I can’t change it, I can just support her. She’s only 8, so I can’t speak to what we would do in adulthood but I’m constantly trying to convince my mother in law, who is an adoptee herself, that adoption is trauma – regardless of how happy your childhood is or how loving your adoptive parents are. Usually when we’re seeking therapy or resources. I think I would prefer to hear it directly but if we decided she wanted me to remain in the group, I would privately ask if she wanted my input before commenting or I would just ignore the post and ask if she wanted to discuss it with me at all.

And another – I think/hope I’d be thankful my kids found a supportive space to voice their feelings. I’d probably ask if they wanted me to leave the group or stay. My kids don’t seem to feel much pressure to hide their negative emotions surrounding their adoptions, so I don’t know that there’s much they’d say in a group, that they haven’t said to me but maybe there’s more under the surface, that they would benefit from being able to process in a space I don’t have access to.

This is just a glimpse. My own day has run short of time, having been complicated coincidentally, by a different kind of privacy issue, after I had already chosen an image for this blog (my life seems to have “themes” many days LOL). What I really think is important is that groups, like the one where these thoughts have been expressed, are opening up perspectives on the reality that all adoptions include trauma within the adoptee – even if it is already “too late” for the adoptive parents to do-over. Hopefully, beyond that, some who might have hoped to adopt – will think long and hard, about what they are getting into, before they get too deeply involved (financially, emotionally) to change course.

Painful Reminder

From my all things adoption group today – I was SA in March which resulted in the baby that I am currently pregnant with. I have had a really hard time deciding what I should do as I already have a 4 year old and I’m scared that the emotions that I’m feeling could negatively effect how I raise this child. Some days I feel like I’m the best thing for her because we have bonded these last 28 weeks. But what if I can’t get past the trauma that I endured when I finally take her home? Would it be best for me to give her to a family that I hope would love her in all the ways that I wish I could? Or will I see her face and decide that she is mine regardless of how she came to be? I’m so scared at this point because I’ve seen a lot of adoptees say that they resent their NM for abandoning them and I don’t want this baby to feel like I don’t love her because even if she isn’t here yet, I definitely do! I just don’t know if the trauma will surpass my love and I don’t know what I should do… I’m posting this because I want the raw and blunt opinions of y’all. I want to know if you think that I’d cause more trauma keeping her or giving her up? As a mom already, I can’t imagine life without my 4 year old but I made those choices for her existence, whereas I feel I didn’t get any choices when it comes to this baby.

As I was looking for an image, I came across this piece in Salon. LINK>I got pregnant from rape by Renee Devesty from 2012 (so not in response to all the crazy stuff related to abortion being forced on women by extremist Republicans today). Actually, I remember the crazy ideas of Todd Akin back when.

Back to some of the thoughts in my group (adoptee voices are privileged). One adoptee said bluntly – “no one will love her like you. No one. Get into therapy now and start preparing to bring her home.” Another said – “If you love her already, that’s a very good sign. Letting someone else raise her is gambling with her life. I’ve always known I’m adopted, and the Complex PTSD didn’t show itself until I was 51. It’s been four years of hell. I’d rather not exist than be adopted.” That last sentiment I see frequently, including “I would rather have been aborted.”

A survivor notes – I worried much the same, that I’d struggle because they remind me of him. But they are and have been from day one, their own people. Even the traits that are recognizable as their other genetic half, are endearing in them. Your new baby didn’t have any more choice at their conception than you did, you are in this together. You already feel bonded, which is a huge sign that you can work through whatever trauma baby may bring. It may not be easy, some days may truly suck, but I think that is a part of parenthood even if the baby was planned to their first breath. I’m pretty sure giving up baby would be more traumatic to you than keeping baby, and it would be unquestionably traumatic to baby to be separated from you.

Empathy from this adoptee – “That something so beautiful can come from something dark & hurtful is amazing. Of course you can & do Love Her! She is a part of you right now. You are her home and her safe place. Please choose her, choose love, let her help you heal from your trauma. Don’t inflict the trauma of adoption on her. You both deserve each other & your other child deserves their sister too.”

The Flying Baby Dream

A friend who is not an adoptee shared a LINK>Flying Baby Dream in her essay –

In the dream – which was intensely real – I was in a room with a friend, and a presumably married couple. The woman was very pregnant and about to give birth, but hey presto!, in the blink of an eye she had already given birth and was holding the swaddled newborn in her arms while the man gazed lovingly down at them…

…until ZOOOOOM! The baby ZIPPED out of the mother’s arms and hovered 2 feet off of the ground!

Whaaaaaaat? I looked at my friend…”Um…whoa…”, but wasn’t too surprised because I do – in real life – believe that anything is possible. However…a flying baby?

The baby was terrified for some reason. His eyes were large and frightened and he kept zipping back to its parents and then back away from them, like a giant hummingbird. It seemed like he wanted some kind of specific reassurance from them, but wasn’t finding it – some kind of information, or a word that would still his fear!

I sat on the side of the twin bed against the opposite wall watching this and wishing he would come to me. He suddenly saw me and zoomed through the air in my direction. He came very very close to my face – inches away – and I took hold of the sides of his little body. He looked searchingly and longingly into my eyes, wanting whatever he was wanting. And I knew what he wanted. So I said to him, smilingly and with a Zen-like calm and certainty, “Mother is with you here just as she was on the other side.”

He was drinking this in like a parched person drinks water. In a perfectly normal adult voice he said to me, “Really?” as in, “Do you promise?”, and my smile deepened as I said to him, “I do.” He threw his little arms around my neck and hugged me. When our hug ended, I held him away from me a little and I said, “I think I had better put you down on the ground. That seems the prudent thing to do,” because with the information he had, now he could feel grounded and probably could no longer fly.

I put him down on the floor to the left of me and he ran back to his parents.

~ End

I thought, wow, I could understand that an adoptee might have just such a dream for good reason. How a baby might feel having been taken away from his mother. How an eventual reunion in adulthood might bring them back together “on the other side”. How such a reassurance, when already adopted by strangers, might help deep in the subconscious heart.

When my adoptee mother died, I found a card among her belongings that read “I Am With You Always.” I would guess it had a religious meaning for her but I know without a doubt (because she shared this desire with me) that she also longed to reconnect with her birth mother, most of her adult life. I read her adoptive mother wrote to the Tennessee Children’s Home (that of the Georgia Tann scandal) that the train trip from Memphis to Nogales upset my baby mom but that the doctor had settled her down – hmmm, drugged her ?

My mom, 3 years before I was born.