Foster Care Mentoring

In my all things adoption group, a woman asked – I want to get involved in the foster care system in some way to help people in my community, but I’m trying to learn the best ways to do so without contributing to the flaws in the system. While I’d like to eventually foster myself, my husband and I are not yet in a place where we’d be able to. I recently learned that you can become a mentor to foster youth who will age out of the system and there seemed to be some research on improved outcomes through mentoring. Do any of you have any experience or advice related to the foster mentorship program? Is that a good way I can get involved?

Someone asked her – Are you interested in family preservation? Because that’s the purpose of foster care … mentoring & helping families stay together would be better than focusing on keeping families apart, don’t you think? She replied – Yeah that’s what I want! Would becoming a foster home be “focusing on keeping families apart” in your view? To which a long answer came – in a word – yes. It’s the very nature of being a foster home. You are caring for other people’s children in your home. Food for thought if you’re serious about helping – have you considered being a sort of respite home for a family rather than just taking the kids? Or welcoming a woman with her children together? Helping them get back on their feet? Providing child care while they work, go to school, etc? Mentor a family on life skills? Going grocery shopping for them? Driving them places? Helping them get a driver’s license? Help them get a job, go back to school, get technical or trade school training? Volunteer at Big Brother or Big Sister? There are so many ways to help without just taking kids away. These are normally just temporary problems. Do you know how many women get their kids taken away by CPS just because of poverty? Have you thought about what happens when someone loses their job due to cutbacks? Or during the pandemic? How do they look for work if they have kids? Why do people ALWAYS just want to take children???

To which she answered, I’m writing this out not to argue or say I’m right or something, I genuinely want to know what your thoughts are in response as I’m trying to learn. I definitely don’t want to take children away from their parents, especially not unnecessarily. I understand that the foster care system is broken and CPS is trigger happy and defective. My husband and I actually have talked about wanting to be a place where someone we know who’s in need can stay with us and we can provide help. My thought is, and if you know the answer to this I would be grateful, how would I be able to get in touch with families like you describe? If I knew of a family before CPS intervened, I’d absolutely want to help them to hopefully prevent their children from being taken away. But I’m not sure how to find those families, and in my area, there are more children being taken away and placed into the system than there are homes for them to stay in. I view that as a need that should be met. Those kids are unfortunately and most of the time unfairly being taken away anyways, and I’d much rather offer them a place to stay than they be placed in group homes, hotels, juvenile detention centers, offices, etc. And then I’d also be able to be a foster home that isn’t automatically against the parents and working to keep them apart, like so many foster homes are. Do you not think that would be a positive thing?  I want to be a force for good in a broken system that actually wants family reunification, when so many foster homes and case workers are against the families. My goal is not to adopt, it is reunification.

An adoptee added – Being a CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocates) is a great step, if you have time and organizational skills – and aren’t afraid to speak up when you see something that isn’t right. CASA are volunteers from the community who complete training that has been provided by the state or local CASA office and advocates for abused or neglected children. LINK>Be a CASA or GAL Volunteer.

Only 33% of youth in foster care have a driver’s license and only 56% graduate from high school. Youth in foster care often lack consistent relationships. They may struggle academically, developmentally, and relationally. High-quality relationships are the foundation for all other learning to take place. Adult mentors provide ongoing emotional support and guidance to youth in foster care. Mentors actively listen to hopes, fears, and dreams. They become an important part of the child’s journey toward better outcomes. LINK>Fostering Great Ideas – Reimagine Foster Care

One woman shared – We fostered a long time and then I did work mentoring parents with kids in the system. I did it informally, case by case, referred usually by caseworkers or attorneys I knew. But, that’s where the real difference is made, I think. Helping parents navigate the system, gain skills, have someone to talk to and support them, etc.

“Whether the burdens come from the hardships of poverty, the challenges of parental substance abuse or serious mental illness, the stresses of war, the threats of recurrent violence or chronic neglect, or a combination of factors, the single most common finding is that children who end up doing well have had at least one stable and committed relationship with a supportive parent, caregiver, or other adult.”
~ National Scientific Council on the Developing Child

Hidden ADHD

So today’s topic came up because of this question – My brother, also an adoptee, had ADHD that was very obvious and came out behaviorally/externally. Therefore I was never tested/thought of having it because mine didn’t match my brothers. For years I lived thinking that my symptoms or experiences were just how the world works, but as I study more, I am seeing many ADHD symptoms that are just too hard to ignore. And maybe it isn’t ADHD, maybe it is related to dopamine levels that were affected through adoptee trauma and being born “addicted” to what my mother was using at the time. But I am wondering if other people have uncovered this or have experienced this, and how they went about handling it!

One adoptee shares –  I have PTSD. The symptoms are similar. Adoption is trauma. I do less. I learned how to practice self care and regulate my nervous system. It got easier when I got away from the people who raised me. Therapy when needed.

Another adoptee writes – I suspect I have ADHD, and like you have a lot of symptoms. I’m working up the courage to get tested. I struggle with feeling safe with doctors, so haven’t gotten tested yet. The way I present is far different from my husband who was tested for ADHD as a child. She was asked – could you share some of your symptoms and how they are different than your husbands? She answers – he’s hyperactive and has no concept of time. I’m more of the zone out and dissociate. He’s a list guy and helps him focus. lists bore me. He forgets to text and call people whereas I lose things all the time.

Another adoptee notes – Women often go misdiagnosed or undiagnosed with ADHD (and autism). I wasn’t diagnosed until my 20’s with ADHD and suspect I’m autistic, too. A very ignorant doctor tried to tell me that if I got good grades in school, then I couldn’t have ADHD. That’s untrue. You can also have ADHD and not be the hyperactive type. There’s a hyperactive, an inattentive, and a mixed subtype. Typically, if your symptoms were not enough to aggravate/inconvenience others, especially in childhood, then you went undiagnosed.

Yet another adoptee shares –  I used to just think that I had CPTSD from my adoption (which I very likely do have still), but after reconnecting with my birth family, found out that ADHD and autism are family traits (there is a genetic link to both of those). After doing a TON of research and taking the RAADS-R, it looks like I’m very likely AuDHD with a side of CPTSD/Adoption Trauma.

One more adoptee writes – Yes, diagnosed with ADHD at 38 and once I started meds, my autistic traits became more clear! And I do now know that I’ve always been this way, the two kinda cover for each other. My son is 6 and my mini-me, he hasn’t experienced any trauma in his life. We’re both neurodivergent.

Jealousy After Abandonment

Today’s story – I was abandoned by my birth mother at 8 weeks old and my birth father gave up his rights before I was born. I was left in a house for a week long while my birth mother went on a drug binder. Her roommate is the one that called the police and my grandma. My grandparents become my legal guardians with in the week. At 5 years old I was legally adopted by my grandparents. I do call them mom and dad and those are the terms I will be using here since they are all I know! My mom has 3 children from a previous marriage (my biological mother being one of them) and my dad has 3 children as well. I do have 3 half brothers and 1 I am super close with (we share the same biological mother) and my mom and dad also adopted him when he was 16 years old. I will not be sharing his story, just noting that there was a lot of abuse!

Growing up I never really fit in with my siblings (actually my aunts & uncles), other than my biological brother. They never wanted my parents to adopt me. My dad’s daughter literally cut him out of her life because of it. Both of my mom’s daughters never failed to make me feel out of place. Constantly reminding me that I was “adopted” and therefore, not “blood”. Which technically I am… One of my mother’s daughters would always bring it up, whenever my mom and her got in an argument, even if it was not about me. Mind you, there is over a 20 year difference between that daughter and myself. By the time I was born, she was married with 2 kids. Any time my parents did anything for me, it was “you treat her better than me and I’m your blood daughter”, even if they actually did the same things for her. Anytime I would be hospitalized and my parents would stay at the hospital with me, it would turn into “you spend all your time with her and she’s not even your real daughter”.

Then, she does admit – I had a lot of behavioral issues growing up due to my adoption trauma, so anytime I would have “out bursts” and she was around, she would yell at my mom “are you really gonna let her treat you this way, She’s not even your real daughter. You need to put her in her place”. Comments like that. Her own dad was a “dead beat” dad. So any time my dad would be a dad, she would get pissed. Even though my dad always treated her with respect and never tried to be her dad but he’s all I know. Plus both my mom and dad do so much for her. If she comes for a visit and I’m not there, she wants to know why I’m not helping. My parents are older and have health issues and so, I do my best to take care of them because I only live 10 minutes away.

My mom recently had major back surgery. I went to the hospital and then, cooked for 2 weeks straight – so my dad could focus on my mom and they both could eat good. Well she ended up coming down and my mom asked her to make dinner. She said “ I don’t know how to cook” even though she was a cook for 10 years at a restaurant…. She did end up cooking dinner and I went over there to eat with them. At the dinner table, she made the statement “I don’t cook as much as she does, so it probably won’t be good”… but it was good and everyone said that. It was nice to have someone cook for me as well but she complained that I didn’t help.

The happy news – I got married on October 3rd and so, she will no longer be in my life because I’m tired of putting up with her trying to make me feel small and saying that I do not belong. That is because there were conflicts on the day of her marriage that she was directly responsible for and issues related to her birth mother who is in jail but knows information about her and her brother that appear to have come from this sister/aunt, even though she knows about the abuse and trauma that both of them have endured. Anyway, she says that she is really hurt, heartbroken in fact, and can’t help but think it hurts even more because she is adopted. She notes – That I never felt “at home” or whatever but I always tried to be nice, respectful, and loving and even when I felt like she thought I was not deserving of love.

Another adoptee shares – I’m so sorry! Yes in my experience it has been other family members making adoption feel less than. I feel like I don’t have a family unless I am impervious to being offended and a major people pleaser.

Giving Your Child Away

An adoptee asks – I wonder if it would make a difference if instead of ‘giving up for adoption’, it was changed to ‘giving your child away’? One person noted – “A pig wearing lipstick is still a pig.”

A mother of loss writes – The language is controlled by those who have the power, ie the adoption industry… That’s why everything is a euphemism and double speak. Of course, if it was called “giving your child away to strangers and causing them trauma” – we would never be able to be convinced it was the best for them.

Another adoptee writes – I was not “given up for adoption”…. I was “abandoned.” Nobody would’ve cared to find out what happened to me. In response, someone else writes – “There’s active trauma and inactive trauma. At before the active trauma of adoptee occurs, there’s the inactive trauma of abandonment.. I was removed as a teen and it makes me wonder if I had told earlier then I might have a different label. I’m not a former foster care youth or an adoptee because the system never found me a new home. ‘Abandoned and at risk for homelessness’ [I was homeless]. I tell myself it’s a blessing in disguise, but I feel abandoned twice – by both my mother and again by the system.”

Another mother of loss due to coercion writes – I think depending on the way it is said is what allows people to understand circumstances… I could say “my child was stolen/taken” that relates to coercion/manipulation or kidnapping that CPS (Child Protective Services/Div of Child and Family Services) likes to partake in (which is what happened to me, I was coerced). I could say “I gave my child up for adoption” that relates to willingly having my child adopted for whatever reason. I could say “my child was adopted” that could mean anything. like neglect, CPS involvement, kinship adoption, regular private adoption, foster to adopt situation without CPS involvement, anything…

A former foster care youth shares – I don’t know for sure if it would. I always said I was thrown away because my parents willingly signed me over when I was 14. Whenever I approach them about what they put me through, they brush me off and avoid the subject. I think a lot of people knew exactly what they were doing, and just didn’t care. Even so, there are circumstances where it’s an understandable decision, don’t get me wrong.

One person notes – In most jurisdiction, “abandonment” of a child is a crime. Relinquishment procedures legalize this crime. It would change a lot if we do away with the relinquishment process.

One adoptee writes – I always tell people I was sold and then people get all hurt about it. It’s really not far off…. my aunt offered to take me in, my biological mom agreed but then, ran off. Next thing my aunt heard is I was adopted and my biological mom got a lot out of it.

Another mother of loss shares – I tell people “I was not allowed to parent my child and lost her to adoption”.

A birth mother admits – Every situation is so different. I think the phrases that are used aren’t accurately interchangeable. In my case, I feel the phrase “sacrificed motherhood” is most accurate. However I know other first/birth mothers that “giving up” is more accurate. I’m positive that some would fall under that category… “giving your child away” would be most appropriate. In my experience with connecting with mothers like myself, I find that the most predominant issues that lead to adoption is fear, low self esteem, religious intolerance (groomed from religious indoctrination that is adoptive agency predatory), outright manipulation, and early childhood abuse that leads to the adoption paradigm.

One adoptee shares – I was not given up for adoption. I was taken by my grandmother against my mother’s will and given away to punish her for getting pregnant at 14. Oh, and she made her birth me vaginally without medication for the same reason. And my brother (trans-racial South Korean adoptee) was straight up fucking kidnapped and sold across the world by his pos biological dad. He found his birth mother 3 years ago through a 30 year old missing child poster. Another person replied to that – “I wouldn’t even call myself an adoptee. I would say human trafficking survivor, because that is insane… reminds me of another person I know who had something illegal and similar happen to them.”

One adoptee suggested the sentence – “Letting your child be raised by strangers”. Yet another adoptee writes – I tell people I was sold to the highest bidder. Essentially how it feels. I spent years being told that I was rescued from a life of poverty, and I should have been grateful. As an adult, I realized I was raised by a person who had more money but didn’t love me. My birth parents had a modest living and lots of love for me.

A first mom notes –  I did not give my son away – he was taken from me without my consent!

To which another first mom (NM) really gets into it all – we don’t “give” our children away freely. Our child is also not a “gift”. “Give up” is another way of saying “surrender”. Surrender is the final, hopeless act of “the defeated enemy” who has been relentlessly attacked during warfare. “The defeated enemy” surrenders by raising a white flag to beg for mercy, to signal their hopeless defeat with dejected humiliation and a hung head. Make no mistake: birth mothers are treated as the enemy. They are told in no uncertain terms that they are “the enemy” to their own child and that strangers will be “better” for the child. Single moms, especially BIPOC moms are policed by foster care and society in a truly heartless and relentless way. Infant adoption agency “social workers” are paid handsomely to covertly wage war on a vulnerable mom. They present themselves as compassionate help, while secretly and tactically convincing her to “freely relinquish” her rights. Maybe change the language to “Adoptive Parents” (AP) pay people to “shake down” and “intimidate” vulnerable, young, poor women in crisis, and they “extort” a baby from her in exchange for its “protection”. Agencies have tactical manuals that have been developed over years of trial and error and are filled with marketing language that helps them wage this war. The primary objective of an agency is separation and destruction of the first family— for their own financial gain. They are mercenaries, paid by adoptive parents. Sometimes these agents believe their own lies— they see the birth mom as a dangerous enemy to her own child, and they imagine themselves as a savior to that child. Usually, APs never see how their dollars fuel this attack, this warfare, on the first family. They just thank the lord that somehow “fate” delivers them an “abandoned baby” who was “destined” to be theirs. And no one addresses the hallow, rubble of a mess left after the NM holds her baby in the air and says “Stop – Please for the sake of the baby – please make them safe.” Once a mother is stripped of her child, there is literally nothing left in her life. I left the hospital and felt like a bag full of crushed glass. Every step I took, I felt like people could surely hear the noise of broken shards shaking around inside of me. I was shattered, and hallow, and utterly alone in the rubble of my defeat. I did give up. I didn’t fight hard enough. I was alone in the aftermath; but many many many people walked alongside me to bully me into that outcome. I say it over and over and over again: it takes a village to raise a child… but it also takes an entire village to separate a mother from her child. Judges, lawyers, doctors, nurses, my own family, my friends all contributed to the final outcome: my surrender. Are there moms who literally abandon their children? Yes. But they are a rare exception. Most birth moms who “give” our baby to another family via domestic infant adoption (DIA) are victims of strategic warfare that extracts a “valuable resource” and coerces a vulnerable person to “freely surrender” that resource, so they can turn around and sell it for a very high price. The entire DIA Adoption industry is built around selling children to the highest bidder (APs). Maybe change the language to: NMs “lose their child” to heartless grifters and child traffickers disguised as “social servants”. And start calling APs what they are: purchasers who fuel a “blood diamonds” of baby trafficking. And start calling adoption agencies what they are: the morphia, grifters, child traffickers.

Going Backwards

Reaching out to anyone who has dealt with trauma and PTSD. I adopted my son a while ago and we have had very good and open conversations.

Recently, he stated he felt like he was going backwards. He’s reliving some trauma in his head, going back to some old habits, and as we were talking about it, he said he wanted to do therapy with me. I said I would get us back into family therapy and he said no, that was good but he wants it to just be between us, having “therapy” together. I told him I would see what I could do and from what I’ve gathered is he wants to have deeper conversations in a safe place but sometimes we don’t know where to start.

Suggestions:

One adoptee finds “adoptee” only groups very cathartic.

Clueless

If I hadn’t seen this, I would not have believed anyone could be so self-centered and willing to do something so illegal. Someone had the nerve to post this comment – “I would like to buy someone’s child on credit.”

Initially translated to read – “Furthermore, I would love to bless our family with another baby, perhaps helping a mother out that does not wish to be a mother. I understand the cost associated with this, and wish to help the mother, but I do not have the means currently to finance $50,000 in medical costs and attorney fees. If anyone has any advice, I welcome that. It is on my heart to be an adoptive mother.”

Further translated more directly – “I would like to grow my family by preying upon a mother who doesn’t have the resources/support to parent and instead of helping mothers through temporary circumstances, I’d like to pressure them into giving me their child and convince them it’s actually a good thing.”

The “translations” were simply her calling it like it is – if one is more informed than the average person about adoption issues. Someone said her that she “sounded like Satan was speaking through her”.

She says, “I think they got it a little twisted.” The person in that group tried to use the fact that very briefly she hoped to adopt. She had made one post about affording adoptions. She notes – “When my husband and I started to look into it, we realized it felt really gross and stopped trying to adopt. But God forbid someone see truth and change” (their perspective on the practice).

An adoptive parent admits – many of us had never heard that narrative before. We were told we were doing a wonderful thing. Good for you for challenging that narrative in such a blunt way. Hopefully even if she can’t hear it right now, your comments will make others think.

And this bit of history was shocking for me – Think about what the collateral on the loan would be. From 1619-1865, the collateral was the financed human being. If the loan wasn’t paid, the bank would come by, pick up the financed human being and resell them.

Someone responded with this – FINANCE A CHILD?! JUST WHEN I THOUGHT I’VE HEARD IT ALL!!

Another noted – “This is an excellent example of how people openly and publicly incriminate themselves. Posts like this should be reported to the authorities. Making clear statements of buying a human being is trafficking. Human trafficking is a crime. Period.” To which another agreed that it was is clearly an open offer to buy a child.

A Connection With Mom

From an adoptee – this is exactly how I’ve felt my whole life. Then, when I did get pregnant, this is what it felt like in the opposite way with my son inside me. He’s the first person I’ve ever met related to me and it’s such an awesome feeling. Biology matters!

A trans-racial adoptee affirms – this speaks so much. We are tied to our birth mother, even when we are given up at birth.

Another adoptee writes – It definitely resonates with me. Whether in reunion or not, we are always tied to our mothers.

A mother who relinquished due to coercion writes – Very much connected and bonded to my kiddo before he was born. Which is why the coercion comes into play. They want to sever that connection as long and as much as possible by messing with your brain so you sign those papers.

One adoptee shared the image above, saying – this highlights the depth of loss from the child’s perspective. If you can’t get them to care about the mother, maybe they’ll at least care about the impact separation has on the child.

One adoptee shared – My mom quoted a poem she read in an Ann Landers Column “I didn’t grow you under my heart but in it”. Blogger’s note – In trying to check this out, I found it was actually by LINK>Fleur Conkling Heyliger and relates to having adopted a child. The “mom” was likely her adoptive mother, not her birth mother. I suppose either Ann Landers was a more well-known name or that she actually did share this in a column but I couldn’t prove that. Another adoptee pushed back – except we grew in our Mother’s womb, just like everyone else. That poem is for an adoptive parents benefit.

Another adoptee regarding the drawing at the top of this blog wrote – The deep, lasting connection to our mothers wordlessly and clearly expressed. I like it a lot.

A mother of loss shares – This is why, when I first talked to my son at 30 years old, he said talking to me was so easy, it’s like he had known me forever. It’s a string that should never be broken.

One person shared her first reaction to the drawing at the top of this blog – when I first saw this, I immediately thought it was pro life propaganda. An adoptee admitted – I did too, but only for a flash – the heartbeat thing. Then my adoptee kicked in and I saw something else.

Another adoptee goes full in with a long comment – I think that no matter what – a child is always connected to their mother. They grew inside them, they are the one that gave them life. Their mother felt them grow and move inside their body and that connection is unmatched to any other sort of connection.

The drawing was shared because it relates to a specific situation and so, she elaborates on that – A minor being forced or pressured to give their child up for adoption would be such a devastating loss, especially if this is how the mom feels about her baby. The worst loss anyone can feel is the loss of a child and then, next the loss of a parent. Imagine trying to grieve that loss but knowing they are still alive.

You know you are still connected by that red string of fate but it was cut by adults who felt like they knew more or better than you did. I couldn’t imagine that feeling of emptiness or loneliness. I would anticipate the mother going into an emotional spiral if that was to happen.

I’m not sure exactly the situation with this young mom but Child Protective Services can and will support this young mom with this child. She DOES NOT need to give her child up for adoption. She needs a voice and an advocate to support her, to help her have a voice and be heard in a system that won’t hear her wants. She needs one person. One strong person to support her and advocate for her and support her in this journey and let her know that she can keep her baby with the help of a village. It won’t be easy, it’s going to be extremely hard. But it’s clear she wants to parent. She sees a future with her child and she should be given an opportunity to do that.

Societal Challenges

Today’s story – I’m a trans man, I gave birth to my daughter, I am her father. she was taken away from me and my partner at 6 weeks and put in temporary placement with my parents. She’s now 8 months old.

A few things, questions, concerns –

1. We are expecting my daughter to come home to us. We are in a transitional period now. Our trial is on the 21st, I’ve been told over and over there’s no way anyone will dispute her coming home, but I am so worried.

2. My mom wants to throw us a baby shower/celebration of our daughter coming home. It would be a reason for family to come together to support us as well as buy us gifts. This gives me anxiety, but I’m not sure why.

3. My partner feels this…disconnect from our daughter. (She is a trans woman) She feels that one baby was taken away, and another is being given back. I worry about this so much. How can I support her in this? Is this normal?

4. Through this whole experience, I want to help others in the future, when we are much more settled. Including the kids and the parents who are experiencing this and worse. I truly have no idea how to start this. Does anyone have any suggestions?

5. Does anyone know much about supervision orders?

Some thoughts in response.

From an adoptee regarding point #3 – They may feel this way because of the lost bonding time with the child in between. Did either of you have occasion to visit with the child while they were in temporary placement? It may help to fill the gap if you can view photographs and videos of the child from that missing period. However there may still be some cognitive dissonance there, and it will just be a matter of time and reforming your bonds. Therapy may also be very helpful here.

One adoptee with experience in foster care and also as a kinship parent writes – Trauma. That’s the answer to all of the above. That’s why you’re worried about it being snatched away. That’s why you feel uncomfortable accepting gifts or planning in advance. It’s also probably a lot of the reason your partner feels disconnected. Therapy. Therapy for you both individually, therapy together.. if possible. Things may change once the baby is back but it feels important to keep an eye on it because it is common to have attachment issues. I would recommend looking for a good therapist that specializes in reunification if possible, they may offer a sliding scale pricing. Communicate, communicate, communicate. It WILL rock your world adjusting to an 8 month old baby in the home. The sleep deprivation alone is a lot. I would take it a day at a time, as if the baby is a newborn again, and understand it won’t all be perfect at the beginning. Just because it’s hard doesn’t mean that you are not the best place for your baby. Plus regarding point # 4 – You can mentor others who are going or have been through this! You will have so much wisdom to share.

Another person has had similar experiences as a trans man – This could not help but create disruption. I had my kids removed briefly when they were toddlers (not from neglect or anything similar). He shares the reason – A family member of my ex, a trans woman, had concerns because we were both trans people and they thought it might “affect” the children. The children came back soon after, but it changed the way I parent. I was scared to let them go anywhere. While out of our care, they had cut my older son’s long hair (he loved it long and he told us they made him cut it). The boys both had nightmares that they’d be taken, etc. So, maybe your anxiety is from the fact that the people who took your kids, might be like the people in a crowd that you don’t know. He adds – offering support looks different in each situation. I guess something trans specific that I could share that some people don’t know is that you might have to adopt your own biological children to have normal rights. Just having your name on a birth certificate might not be enough, even if you’re the biological parent.

The issues are not so unusual these days, here is another one’s experience talking – my wife and I are both trans, and we were caregivers for a chosen family member’s child for a bit. We all had a terrible time, from people constantly mis-gendering us frequently, hurting the child in the process (like a random cashier that would say “your mom is so cool to be buying you xyz”), to some people being unable to fully hide their opinions about us or the chosen family solo parent or the child, all of us who were some flavor of trans/queer and mostly people of color. It’s absolutely trauma because people really are out there thinking we cannot be good parents or trusted caregivers, as if it’s not difficult enough already to navigate how our identities impact our parenting and how people treat our children differently. so much therapy for everyone. Because our kinship placement isn’t your side of this, but because we were also helping the kid’s adult, it gave us a perspective on what others might do to harm us… we lawyered up to double check our own estate planning for our kids and documents for the transphobia side of things (like having all vital records match everyone’s correct names/gender and having an official declaration of our parentage for our children, at least). Lastly maybe you and especially your wife might want to check out peer support groups for trans parents, there may be more community there than you might realize.

A mother of loss shares – I understand what your partner is saying with they took one baby away and gave another one back. A whole lot happens during that first eight months and it is a different baby coming back. It is important to grieve the baby that left and it’s normal to have to bond when the baby comes back. With the baby shower could there be some underlying embarrassment that they baby got taken? I had that with my family when I relinquished my baby. It is probably going to be an adjustment for sure and definitely going to be some anxiety. Therapy will help but communication and transparency between you and your partner is crucial at the end of the day you two are the only people that know what the situation feels like and are in it together. Really lean on one another.  

Normal Late Teen Behavior

The girl in the image is NOT the one being referred to by this foster mother but I believe the uncertainty is not unusual in this age group, even though the girl’s reasons are valid. Today’s story –

I am the foster parent to a 17 yr old, who is about to turn 18 in a few months. She wants to change her last name, to make it harder for anyone from her past life to locate her. She had been adopted as a baby and the adoptive parents, who she got along with, are dead.

She wants nothing to do with her biological family ever again. They also want nothing to do with her. But, one older sibling she does not like, who was abusive towards her, might try to find her.

She wants to be adopted again. But, I do not plan to adopt her after she ages out of foster care because she would lose too many benefits that would help her in going to the private college of her choice. She plans to get scholarships for that based on need.

I will remain a support; and of course let her stay for the rest of high school, and during breaks from college, once she moves to the dorm. I will help her financially, as needed.

She says she wants to be adopted, once she’s in grad school, which she plans to go on to after college. I am not sure it’s a good idea but once we get to that time, it’s possible I would – if she still wanted that, as she’d be 23 years old.

Should I encourage her to choose a made up name that’s different from mine? I don’t care if she takes my last name but I don’t know if that would be better or worse for her than a made up one. She’s on the spectrum as well, although recently diagnosed and does not present that way, so most people don’t realize it. She does ask my advice a lot but I don’t know what the answer to changing her name is. She does not want the birth name she had before she was adopted. She’s already changed her first name, though not yet legally, as she hates her entire name. She is already in therapy.

Some thoughtful replies –

One woman who was adopted from India and raised in the US – it sounds like she has good reason to change her last name, and honestly I don’t see a major issue, minus financially it can be pricy. She added – it’s state by state with costs, I know for my sister it was $300 in Missouri, when we looked at it. She prefers her nickname to her legal name and my parents didn’t care, but she didn’t want to pay the cost. Several added examples –  in California, there is a fee waiver form and it sounds like she might qualify for something similar. From another – in Washington state I paid ~$260 for the name change, I think ~$15 each for extra copies (which came in handy) and ~$50 for a new license. Also this one – I’m in Pennsylvania and my name change cost about $500.

There was someone who shared – Changed my name many times to get away from abusive family/and because I’m trans. If she wants not to be found, it depends on if the people looking for her know your last name. If they do, probably best to go with a different name. Still, help her find something that holds meaning to her. I’m in Virginia and it was an easy $41 ordeal.

Another shared – My husband and I both changed our last name to something unrelated to either of our families. It cost $600, had to be posted in the newspaper for 2 weeks, followed by a hearing where we just confirmed we were doing it because we wanted to. When she is 18, just allow her to do as she wishes.

From an adoptive parent – do you know her reasoning for wanting to be adopted ? It sounds to me that she may just want to belong, feel accepted, have a stable family, etc but it may be a good idea to ask and better understand her thoughts and desires around adoption.

One adoptive parent asked – Are you sure she’ll lose her benefits, if you finalize adoption ? We adopted our now 18 year old, when she was 17 but she gets all her benefits until she’s 21 (which includes scholarships and her tuition). Is there any way you can check with her social worker ? As far as her name goes, it’s her decision. When our adoption was finalized, our daughter initially kept her last name but she recently asked to change it to ours. She now has her mom’s last name as a second middle name.

Another shares her perspectives – based on what you’ve said here – I’d encourage her to wait. If she’s in danger – actual danger- that’s different. I agree with you about not adopting her; families look all sorts of ways and she can choose her own, right? Because she’s so uncertain about what she wants to call herself and why, it just seems prudent to wait until she’s an adult. She can have nicknames and that sort of thing, but changing your name is a whole big thing and complicated. I’m sure you’ll figure it out. I really like that you’re asking for other perspectives and listening to her. Just give her time and space to figure things out – especially because she’s on the spectrum. Keep helping her and supporting her like you’re doing. 

Having To Choose

I’m an adoptee and I recently found my first dad. We hit it off right away. His wife sent me texts saying I was a “pump and dump” because my biological parents had a one night stand and that we need to stop talking to each other.

Unfortunately, he had to choose between keeping her happy and me — he chose to keep her happy. We are no longer “allowed” to communicate. He tried everything to compromise with her but yeah.. This happened yesterday and I woke up today crying.

I was SO happy because he understood me. I miss him so much already. It has caused such a deep, physical hurt that it takes my breath away sometimes.