Doesn’t Care Whatsoever

An adoptive mother writes – my son has had a very strained relationship with his first mother. He has asked her not to contact him and she has repeatedly done so. She recently reached out again and it upset him quite a bit. He messaged her again, telling her to leave him alone and let him move on. I’m afraid for him in the future, if all this blocking on social media occurs, what happens if he changes his mind in the future ? I want to help keep the lines of communication open, so that he can be free to contact her, if he wants to in the future. I really don’t want to block anyone. What would you do in this situation ? I don’t want to force him to be uncomfortable or have to have contact, but I also don’t want those doors to get closed.

An adoptee suggests – I would get your adopted son an adoption informed therapist. I would also examine how your attitude and foundational thought framework shapes how your son views and deals with this situation. I would 100% support your adopted son’s own autonomy on who he chooses to spend his time with and even block. That being said, his request and expectation for you to block her feels off. I believe you can demonstrate healthy boundaries for yourself and as an adult that can see and consider the big picture and as a leader that doesn’t require completely cutting someone out you feel is important to be there or have a door open at some point. To me, it’s an exercise of bad boundary expectations and supporting an unhealthy control issue to expect for you to do so. I think you can respect and support your adopted son’s wish for him to block and not have contact, but I think you can assert your own mature boundaries that don’t involve the consequences of what blocking does and communicates. You blocking demonstrates you dropping down a middle school immaturity level with your own affairs. It makes sense for your son to act like a middle schooler, because he is. You are not.

Another adoptee writes – I don’t want to hear from my mom and she uses other people to get to me. It’s hard enough without being triangulated on top of everything. Listen to him. Don’t engage with her. Say exactly what you said here, you don’t want to close the door permanently but he needs space right now and you’re going to respect his wishes. Leave it at that until further notice. Your loyalty is to him, not to her. Not everyone wants a relationship with their biological parent.

A Lot Of Reasons

It is tricky not to feel rejected – today’s story (not my own) is from an adoptive mom.

I need suggestions on how to support my daughter. She is 8, but very wise. I also have her brother. We found their mom two-three years ago. The first time, contact didn’t last long due to mom. Now they have had a relationship for about 1 1/2 years. Initially they saw her at least weekly and talked on the phone multiple times a week. Then, she had a baby and recently got back custody of her oldest. The contact with my two is now sporadic. They were able to spend Christmas Day with her and her family. I understand why contact is less. I have told mom she takes the lead and I will do whatever. I know it is super hard for her for a lot of reasons. Some emotional and some just time constraints. I do what I can to make things easy and also, don’t want to be a nag or make her feel bad. I talked about this with my daughter and explained the why, as best I can. Unfortunately she still feels bad. And then, I get jealous for her, when I see her mom’s life with her other two. My daughter made a comment the other day that she was rejected by her family. I talked with her about it and told her in no way was she rejected and it wasn’t about her. I know what I say though doesn’t ease that thought.

One response was this – what stood out to me in this post was that her mom had a baby and got custody back of her oldest. That’s heavy. So in my mind and (hear me out) most likely every one else’s – you, as the adoptive parent, are the one standing in the way of full on reconciliation here. You can’t fix that unless you come to terms with that. Would this mom have her daughter back, if you didn’t legally adopt her and cut that option off ? She’s a middle child of 3 and the only child not with her mom. Yea there is a lot to unpack here and I think it starts with you. The adoptive mom’s response was – I also have her brother, so the two middle children. But yes, I know. And mom and I briefly talked about it. Nothing serious. To which the follow on response was – maybe a serious conversation needs to happen about these kids being re-adopted by their mother. ASAP.

From an adoptee – I am stuck on one sentence… “I have told mom she takes the lead and I will do whatever.” You know it’s hard, by your own words… Why are you not helping your children have a relationship with their mother by making it easier for her? I feel like you’ve set this up to be even harder for her – navigating life with a baby, reunification of an older child and trying to foster relationships with her children in your care. You’re in the position of power here. Make it easier for your children to have a relationship with their mother, and their siblings by actually doing things to make it easier for them. Stepping back just seems like such a cop out. You need to do the hard things for the children in your care. Make the calls. Set up times for them to get together in ways that don’t add extra stress to their biological family. This isn’t just their relationship to watch happen – as a primary adult in their life, you need to work at making this successful too. The adoptive mom responded – I have. I have my kids make calls. They go unanswered. Or she will promise a call, overnight visit, day out whatever. Then when the time comes she ghosts. Doesn’t call or answer phone. I had my daughter call in Valentine’s Day. No answer or response to the voicemail. One suggestion from another was to include Grandma and this one shared – Please include any other family even if mom isn’t around. The boys I adopted, their mom is going through A LOT and has been for quite some time. But I have always kept contact with grandma. She’s the one that has been around the most and the one that I speak with the most. While she’s not around as much as I would like, it’s better than nothing. And one adoptee suggested – not having your daughter “call in” with that potential to be rejected. That’s so painful. If you call and her mother picks up and is happy to talk, then I think that would be the time to ask your daughter if she wants to connect (not vice versa).

Do Different Surnames Matter ?

Illustration by Barry Falls

Today’s quandary – I’m an adoptee, and my partner is also. I have reunited with my natural family and have a close healthy relationship with our adoptive parents. I have a seven year old son, who my boyfriend is looking to adopt, once we marry. My son has no relationship with his genetic dad (we had domestic violence issues in past and he legally has no visitation, haven’t seen him in 4 years) but I worry how my son would feel. I would never force this on him. We are pregnant and due in February. I worry deeply about my son feeling “left out” or “other” as he would have a different last name than the rest of us. I want it to be his decision on adoption, name, etc. He is very familiar with adoption as he has met our natural family, but again he is only seven. Legally on paper it would be much easier to have him under my partner, for health insurance and decision making reasons (recently he had an ICU stay due to breathing issues due to smoke from wildfires, also issues of getting him a passport, school meetings and involvement, etc) but I don’t plan on making that decision for him, as he hopes his father can get himself together to be able to be involved in his life again (as do I – knowing how it feels to be separated from biological parents, this has always been a goal of mine but the restrictions are purely for my son’s safety). Their reunification has always been a goal. Are there any other options for my boyfriend to assume legal guardianship or some kind of custody without severing the biological tie of my son with his father? His father is completely uninvolved by choice, as our protective order allows phone calls and such, and he just chooses to not engage. My son adores my boyfriend and they are very close. I just don’t want to put the weight of a decision like that on him, and I don’t want to choose it for him. I’m hoping there’s another answer.

In response, someone comments – My kids have different last names and I have a different last name than my husband. Everyone’s names are on the mailbox. I promise you that nobody actually cares, it’s your own insecurity about the situation. My husband is not my son’s father. You can easily get him on all the paperwork for your son’s school and doctors. If you are legally married, he can still be on your husband’s insurance without an adoption.

Another one adds – my oldest has my last name and my children with my husband have his. It’s a non issue. She never felt “left out” and why would she? From the age of 6 till adulthood, she’s only seen her biological father twice. My husband never “adopted” her, as it was unnecessary to care for and about her. She still has my last name (I hyphenated it when I married) and her sisters have their husband’s. Names don’t make a family.

More in this New York Times piece by Lisa Belkin LINK>Biological Siblings, Different Last Names.

Staying With Mom Is Best

From my all things adoption group today. In a parenting group, the admin shared a post to open discussion. It was written by a hopeful adoptive parent whose plans fell through shortly after birth.

I was pleasantly surprised that many of the comments focused on the fact that staying with mom is best for baby. Many also expressed empathy for the woman who wanted a baby and couldn’t have one. Knowing my own deep joy at being a mother, I empathize with those who cannot… but not to the degree that it clouds my judgment about what real love for a child is (protecting their relationship with their mother, if at all possible).

I can’t know the pain of infertility, because I’ve not lived that life. I’m sad for those who do. But I HAVE lived the life of someone separated from my genetic mirrors and raised as second class in a family that wasn’t mine. Filling a hole in a would-be mother’s heart doesn’t justify the creation of holes in the child’s. Ever.

One comment in particular struck me. It was disgusting, and I don’t have the ability to respond to it without being very nasty. A woman claimed that getting up a woman’s hopes of receiving a child and then taking it away at birth is the same pain as delivering a stillborn baby.

I am so angry. Just… so, so angry.

Their logic doesn’t logic.

She went on and on about the pain of infertility, which I don’t at all seek to minimize. She wrote about the hopes of carrying her “own” baby. The truth is right there in her words. They know the difference. Given a choice, OF COURSE they’d choose to carry their “own”. But since they can’t, they selfishly want to steal or buy someone else’s for the sake of their own feelings, over the child’s or the true mother’s.

Her words recognize the profound, undeniable, biological, emotional, and spiritual difference of producing offspring versus stealing them. And yet in the next breath, she wants to claim the pain is identical to losing one carried in the mother’s own body. Gross.

One commenter made a strong case – it’s not always just warped selfishness with humans. There is the component of it being an evolutionary instinct. This doesn’t excuse us from doing the work and therapy to keep from seeking the injury to other people’s children that adoption is. We need to be better than our natural instincts. We can hold people to higher standards, while still recognizing that turning off the deep desire to raise children, for some, is about as easy as turning off clinical depression for others.

Another one admitted – I’m “maternally driven”, and I had an emergency hysterectomy. I have one biological child. I always wanted to have a lot of kids, but it wasn’t in the cards. I went to therapy. I got a dog. I sought out dogs and cats. Because my inability to have more children doesn’t give me the right to someone else’s children. But my pathological need to care for someone/something makes animal rescue PERFECT for me. And yes, it’s absolutely a pathology. I think that needs to be recognized and openly talked about more. It’s not BAD. It just IS, and there are healthy outlets for it.

One noted – This is such a parent focused view, to equate their loss as a death – when the baby is alive – just shows how much the focus is not on the child whatsoever.

One said – I went through infertility and it never even occurred to me to want to adopt. I wanted my own babies, not someone else’s. The thought of raising someone else’s child is honestly so unappealing to me. I bet it’s unappealing to a lot of infertile women.

To which someone else replied directly – It’s baffling to me that this *completely reasonable and valid position* is somehow controversial to a lot of people. And unfashionable. We’re supposed to think that the ability to pretend a child that isn’t your own, *is* your own, is a sign of being a good person, somebody who has ~evolved~ beyond our ~stupid~ animalistic need for tangible, biological connection. I’ve been told I’m a sociopathic monster, a narcissist, devoid of empathy, just because I feel the same way as you. Somebody else’s baby would not be my baby. It’s not the same as my baby. To deny that is ridiculous, it’s anti-science, it’s an actively harmful delusion. I’ve not been through infertility, but I can say that recently birthing my own first child has cemented this so firmly in my heart. My son is not a token who could be swapped interchangeably with any other random infant and I could not be swapped interchangeably with any other woman to be his mother. Our relationship is specific to the two of us, even six days into his life.

With No Real Oversight

From a Kinship Foster Parent –

For 14 months, a mom and baby were separated. The Dept of Health and Human Services, the supervising agency, the state attorney and the Guardian Ad Litem were all horrible. They were all constantly unprepared for court. The judge didn’t hold them accountable. It was all “well I didn’t get any reports from X, so I have nothing to report, and I don’t agree with motions in favor of mom, as I don’t know if she is making any progress.” Not to mention that court was often pushed back by weeks to months for various reasons but not by the mom’s fault, but on the court’s side of things.

They were also very inconsiderate of our ethnic practices, which are not uncommon, such as we live in multi-generational homes and new parents aren’t expected to have a job. All of the baby needs are essentially taken care of at the baby shower for up to 1-2 years of that child’s life.

There are just a lot of awful things the state did and I’m unsure of where to report these things aside from the FCRO (Foster Care Review Office), who were just like “Meh. We can’t take any action as case is still open,” but I wonder where we can start. Who is ensuring that these people are being compliant?

Comments –

From an adoptee – These interactions ALONE should be enough to get this case closed. How could you be so unprofessional, when literally dealing with someone’s life ? If there is a concern that the involved agencies will mess with guardianship plans or reunification, then lawyer up. It is incredibly difficult to navigate the system without education, and those agencies know that and use that to their advantage. Sadly, most state agencies have no real oversight. Again, they know this and use that to their advantage.

ADOPTIVE PARENT FRAGILITY SELF-TEST

Thanks to LINK>The Adoptee Diary.

Ask yourself the following:

1. Do I feel defensive when an adoptee or (birth/first) mother says “adoptive parents tend to…?”

2. Do I feel angry when people tell me I benefit from Adoptive Parent privilege — that the adoption industry works in my favor, or that my socioeconomic class and/or race enabled me to adopt?

3. When an adoptee or mother talks about adoption, do I feel defensive because they’re describing things that I do or think?

4. Do I feel angry or annoyed by the above questions?

5. Do I have a history of embracing Hopeful and/or Adoptive Parent behavior that I now feel ashamed of, so I need to show people that I’m no longer “like that”?

6. Does saying “not all adoptive parents” or similar phrases make me feel better when someone calls Adoptive Parents out for something?

7. Do I expect an apology when I feel like I’ve been unfairly accused of poor Adoptive Parent behavior?

8. Do I feel better when I say, hear, or read, “every (adoption) experience is different?”

9. Do I try to convince adoptees and mothers that they’re wrong about adoption by pointing out people from their position in the triad who agree with me?

10. Do I feel the need to talk about my own hardships (such as infertility, a “failed” adoption, or a difficult childhood) when an adoptee or mother talks about their pain?

11. Do I think the adoption community would benefit if people stopped talking about the hard stuff, were more supportive, learned from “both sides,” or focused more on the positive?

12. Does being told that something I say, think, do, or otherwise value is harmful make me want to shut down, leave, or express my discomfort/displeasure in some way?

13. Do I feel the need to state that I have friends/family who are adoptees when someone points out problematic behavior?

14. Do I feel the need to prove that I’m one of the good ones?

15. Do I feel that my opinions and perspectives about adoption should be given equal weight to that of an adoptee or mother, that I have something unique and important to contribute to the adoption conversation, and/or that it is unfair to be told to listen more than I speak?

16. Do I feel the need to defend myself on any of the above points?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you are dealing with Adoptive Parent fragility. Take time to reflect on why you feel the way that you do. Take time to listen to adoptee and mothers’ perspectives. Adoptive Parent fragility is a hindrance to healing because it prevents adoptees/mothers from being able to engage Adoptive Parents in honest conversation without also having to bear the burden of catering to Adoptive Parents’ emotional comfort. At its worst, Adoptive Parent fragility can cause an emotionally unhealthy situation for adoptees/mothers because of the power dynamics and the weight of being responsible for Adoptive Parents’ feelings, while not having space to express their own. If we cannot talk honestly about the issues, then we cannot make progress.

It’s Not A Couch

I’m in a natural birthing group and a woman who’s 30+wks pregnant has been married for over 5 years. Both the woman and her husband come from a conservative community where procreation is expected, even though neither of them felt drawn to parenthood. They decided to give it to God. After so many years of marriage, they are expecting and neither is excited nor do they feel connected to the baby.

The amount of COMMENTS FOR ADOPTION in that group were INSANE. She didn’t come for that suggestion. She asked if anyone else had issues before delivery with feeling attached to their child – if anyone wasn’t really a kid person – if those feelings changed when they delivered their own child, etc. She was looking for emotional and mental support from a group THAT DOESN’T UNDERSTAND THE HORMORMAL AND BONDING PROCESS and YET, people were STILL SUGGESTING IF SHE DOESN’T FEEL IT, JUST GIVE THE BABY AWAY! The poor mother hasn’t even had the bonding chemicals come into play yet. This “give the baby away” suggestion was WELL LIKED .

(blogger’s note – what is written above and below this is NOT my own story but because adoption is encouraged in evangelical circles, the above really does NOT surprise me.)

The woman writing about this incident is a former foster care youth and adoptee. She continues – Y’all I freaking LOST IT. I told them to NOT suggest TRAUMA to a mother, which will last throughout her LIFE as well as impact their baby, when the couple just needs the TOOLS TO HELP THEM PARENT.

Boy did I get attacked. I was actually quite nice about it all, and people told me I was shaming her (I didn’t, I actually told her I also struggled with bonding and attachment due to the ADOPTION AND FOSTER CARE INTERFERENCE) and wasn’t being harsh with the woman at all. I was harsh with the insane notion that before birth, these folks who are supposedly seeking to help, are just like – “oh, don’t feel attached ?, oh well, just give it to someone who wants it.”

It’s not a couch that you got that didn’t fit though the door and you’re pawning it off on your neighbor. It’s a child, who will look for you one day (most likely) and wonder why they weren’t wanted.

What To Do ?

Today’s question – A woman adopted 2 kids years ago and has raised them since they were very young. Now that they are older, some truth came out that the situation that caused the adoption wasn’t as bad as she had been led to believe.

1) She wants to know if there is a way for their birth certificates to revert back the originals? She thought she had to change them in order to adopt the kids. (This is a common misperception that adoptees are trying to change because it almost always matters to them.)

And/or

2) Can she help their birth mother regain custody so that she can finish raising her own children ? Or un-adopt them, is that even possible?

A complication is that the kids say they don’t want a relationship with their biological mother or even to meet her. The woman is not certain they are telling the truth. Maybe they don’t want to hurt her feelings?

Some responses –

1) She probably did need to change the birth certificate to adopt, that’s still the case in many jurisdictions. It’s why guardianship is often preferred, though what that means also varies from one jurisdiction to the next, sometimes it is viewed as not allowing for stability.

2) The first step is for the kids need to get to know their mother again. If they refuse, I’m not sure what she can do other than to gently encourage it and never speak poorly of their mother. If they get to that point, what comes next varies widely from one jurisdiction to the next.

The mother may be able to re-adopt her children. However, if the allegation was neglect or abuse determined by Child Protective Services, that may not be possible. Same with guardianship. She might be able to take guardianship of her children, or not, depending on the situation.

These options may fail. It may be possible for the adoptive mother to give the original mother a power of attorney, should the children move in with her, and/or unofficially she could share custody of them, just like some separated/divorced parents do.

The woman definitely needs to consult a lawyer, so that she can determine if the court might view her as a possible risk. This assumes that Child Protective Services removed the children from her care. If her Termination of Parental Rights was a private relinquishment (that would make all of the above FAR easier.)

Another possibility is an adult adoption, which could restore the information that was originally on their birth certificates (by again changing the documents to finalize an adoption). If these children are already teenagers, that makes this option easier, as long as they are in agreement.

And this is the most important point, from an adoptee – It’s very possible that they don’t want a relationship with their biological mother, if she hasn’t been in their lives. Listen to what they are saying. I would never have wanted to leave my adoptive family to go and live with my biological family. It would have felt like a complete rejection of the life I had lived. I wouldn’t want another name. I am the name I have been for a long time, not baby girl “x”. These kids need to be the ones leading. Everyone else needs to just sit back and listen.

Therapy. Individually. Let them heal their own traumas. Create a space that’s safe and secure enough that they know they can speak honestly about how they feel about their biological family.

Another adoptee admits that she wanted so badly to have a relationship with her biological family. “It was freaking awful. The worst.” It’s not always what the adoptee thinks it would be like, either way.

The most important thing is their healing and security. The rest will come, if that is the right direction. They don’t deserve to have the process of reintroduction rushed, if they say “no” for any reason. It should be their lead.

Lament and Repentance

From an adoptive parent’s perspective –

We became foster parents to “help the whole family” and adopted our son (met him at 5 weeks in the NICU, brought him home at 6 weeks, adopted him at 2 years). He was our 8th placement- some families we were able to be helpful towards more than others, I can see my failures or ignorance too.

We have kept a private Facebook page to keep biological parents updated with pictures and an ability to message. Some family members have a recent relationship with our son, and I feel like we have all gained family. BUT, the biological parents aren’t safe (actively using drugs).

I hear you adoptee’s. I hear how you hate adoption. I hear your lack of control, choice, autonomy. Hating that your name was changed, lost culture, lost history, lack of belonging, desire for real change in the system and legislation. I hear you. Your feelings are valid and real. Thank you for sharing with us and allowing us to learn and gain understanding and mourn with you.

As an adoptive parent, I sit in lament and repentance – over my ignorance (even after lots of books and trainings), my savior/rescuer habits and mentality, my selfishness and self centered ness. And I’m just sad with you, and sad with my child.

My question…What were things said to you/done/moments of clarity or understanding that helped you bond and attach to your adoptive parents? I understand it’s a journey and a process, but I still want emotional health and intelligence for my teen.

PS – have been in therapy with an adoption specialist for 3 years.

From an adoptee in response –

Do you have any idea how hard it is to love yourself as an adoptee ? F*** your bonding. Kids will bond to others when their brain says it’s safe. And some don’t at all. At the end of the day, the child may never naturally attach to you but that isn’t saying they won’t naturally attach to others. Trying to have those children identify non-biologicals as being the traditional family roles, when they do not actually fit (mom, dad, etc) is not helping make the kids feel like part of your family. It’s an attempt to replace the family they already have. It’s easier for you but it’s harmful for them. Look into support groups for kids of addicts. Keep learning more about active addiction and what is a threat and what is not. Actively support and promote a bond with the original parents, while teaching your adoptee boundaries and healthy coping.

No Win Situation

An unwed mother is pregnant with her 2nd child, due in early February, and the dad has no plans to be involved. She has a 5-year-old that she had the same heartfelt struggle with making this decision. She has spent almost every day of his life, wondering if he would’ve been better off if she’d just put him up for adoption. That is what she wanted to before his dad stepped in and said he wanted to keep him. She has limited to no support from her family and friends.

Where she is now . . . “The only consensus I managed to come to is that I’d be traumatizing my baby if I put it for adoption, but if I don’t have support, I’m going to ruin the baby anyway. So many of those adoptees have such a jaded, negative view of their birth families for putting them up for adoption, but they also resent their adoptive families for ‘stealing’ them, so I’m right back to square one of no matter what I choose, I’m evil and ruining my baby’s life.”

From an adoptee – I’m an adoptee of a closed adoption. A DNA test for Ancestry revealed my birth parents. If I were you, I wouldn’t adopt and as an adoptee, I regret being adopted. I don’t necessarily think my birth parents ruined my life by not keeping me because I don’t know what my life would have been with them. Having another baby won’t ruin your life. It won’t ruin your son’s. You can get your mental health back either way, because either way it’s going to take work and probably therapy. I just wouldn’t make the decision out of fear that you’re not capable because I think that’s when we get into decisions we regret.

So often, when unwed expectant mothers come into my all things adoption group seeking insight, it is almost universal that they don’t feel capable of parenting. It is most likely true in all of these cases that those who do decide to parent still have a difficult and challenging situation to navigate. With some mothers, the group goes the extra mile to supply things the mother will need once she has her baby, if she decides to parent. These women often come back when the baby is older saying how grateful they are to have been encouraged to keep their babies.

This group also sometimes helps a parent who has become embroiled in a custody situation where adoptive or foster parents want to keep the baby they managed to get. The legal process is daunting, fraught with challenges and no certainty of being won. Better to at least give parenting a try. Worst case, there is always the option to surrender to adoption . . .

My favorite saying in life is from the Lemony Snicket movie – A Series of Unfortunate Events. I can’t find what I remember anywhere but it comes down to no matter how dark or bad things look, there is always a way out of that situation. It has often inspired me to hold the line until I see the way has proven to be so . . .