A Connection With Mom

From an adoptee – this is exactly how I’ve felt my whole life. Then, when I did get pregnant, this is what it felt like in the opposite way with my son inside me. He’s the first person I’ve ever met related to me and it’s such an awesome feeling. Biology matters!

A trans-racial adoptee affirms – this speaks so much. We are tied to our birth mother, even when we are given up at birth.

Another adoptee writes – It definitely resonates with me. Whether in reunion or not, we are always tied to our mothers.

A mother who relinquished due to coercion writes – Very much connected and bonded to my kiddo before he was born. Which is why the coercion comes into play. They want to sever that connection as long and as much as possible by messing with your brain so you sign those papers.

One adoptee shared the image above, saying – this highlights the depth of loss from the child’s perspective. If you can’t get them to care about the mother, maybe they’ll at least care about the impact separation has on the child.

One adoptee shared – My mom quoted a poem she read in an Ann Landers Column “I didn’t grow you under my heart but in it”. Blogger’s note – In trying to check this out, I found it was actually by LINK>Fleur Conkling Heyliger and relates to having adopted a child. The “mom” was likely her adoptive mother, not her birth mother. I suppose either Ann Landers was a more well-known name or that she actually did share this in a column but I couldn’t prove that. Another adoptee pushed back – except we grew in our Mother’s womb, just like everyone else. That poem is for an adoptive parents benefit.

Another adoptee regarding the drawing at the top of this blog wrote – The deep, lasting connection to our mothers wordlessly and clearly expressed. I like it a lot.

A mother of loss shares – This is why, when I first talked to my son at 30 years old, he said talking to me was so easy, it’s like he had known me forever. It’s a string that should never be broken.

One person shared her first reaction to the drawing at the top of this blog – when I first saw this, I immediately thought it was pro life propaganda. An adoptee admitted – I did too, but only for a flash – the heartbeat thing. Then my adoptee kicked in and I saw something else.

Another adoptee goes full in with a long comment – I think that no matter what – a child is always connected to their mother. They grew inside them, they are the one that gave them life. Their mother felt them grow and move inside their body and that connection is unmatched to any other sort of connection.

The drawing was shared because it relates to a specific situation and so, she elaborates on that – A minor being forced or pressured to give their child up for adoption would be such a devastating loss, especially if this is how the mom feels about her baby. The worst loss anyone can feel is the loss of a child and then, next the loss of a parent. Imagine trying to grieve that loss but knowing they are still alive.

You know you are still connected by that red string of fate but it was cut by adults who felt like they knew more or better than you did. I couldn’t imagine that feeling of emptiness or loneliness. I would anticipate the mother going into an emotional spiral if that was to happen.

I’m not sure exactly the situation with this young mom but Child Protective Services can and will support this young mom with this child. She DOES NOT need to give her child up for adoption. She needs a voice and an advocate to support her, to help her have a voice and be heard in a system that won’t hear her wants. She needs one person. One strong person to support her and advocate for her and support her in this journey and let her know that she can keep her baby with the help of a village. It won’t be easy, it’s going to be extremely hard. But it’s clear she wants to parent. She sees a future with her child and she should be given an opportunity to do that.

Societal Challenges

Today’s story – I’m a trans man, I gave birth to my daughter, I am her father. she was taken away from me and my partner at 6 weeks and put in temporary placement with my parents. She’s now 8 months old.

A few things, questions, concerns –

1. We are expecting my daughter to come home to us. We are in a transitional period now. Our trial is on the 21st, I’ve been told over and over there’s no way anyone will dispute her coming home, but I am so worried.

2. My mom wants to throw us a baby shower/celebration of our daughter coming home. It would be a reason for family to come together to support us as well as buy us gifts. This gives me anxiety, but I’m not sure why.

3. My partner feels this…disconnect from our daughter. (She is a trans woman) She feels that one baby was taken away, and another is being given back. I worry about this so much. How can I support her in this? Is this normal?

4. Through this whole experience, I want to help others in the future, when we are much more settled. Including the kids and the parents who are experiencing this and worse. I truly have no idea how to start this. Does anyone have any suggestions?

5. Does anyone know much about supervision orders?

Some thoughts in response.

From an adoptee regarding point #3 – They may feel this way because of the lost bonding time with the child in between. Did either of you have occasion to visit with the child while they were in temporary placement? It may help to fill the gap if you can view photographs and videos of the child from that missing period. However there may still be some cognitive dissonance there, and it will just be a matter of time and reforming your bonds. Therapy may also be very helpful here.

One adoptee with experience in foster care and also as a kinship parent writes – Trauma. That’s the answer to all of the above. That’s why you’re worried about it being snatched away. That’s why you feel uncomfortable accepting gifts or planning in advance. It’s also probably a lot of the reason your partner feels disconnected. Therapy. Therapy for you both individually, therapy together.. if possible. Things may change once the baby is back but it feels important to keep an eye on it because it is common to have attachment issues. I would recommend looking for a good therapist that specializes in reunification if possible, they may offer a sliding scale pricing. Communicate, communicate, communicate. It WILL rock your world adjusting to an 8 month old baby in the home. The sleep deprivation alone is a lot. I would take it a day at a time, as if the baby is a newborn again, and understand it won’t all be perfect at the beginning. Just because it’s hard doesn’t mean that you are not the best place for your baby. Plus regarding point # 4 – You can mentor others who are going or have been through this! You will have so much wisdom to share.

Another person has had similar experiences as a trans man – This could not help but create disruption. I had my kids removed briefly when they were toddlers (not from neglect or anything similar). He shares the reason – A family member of my ex, a trans woman, had concerns because we were both trans people and they thought it might “affect” the children. The children came back soon after, but it changed the way I parent. I was scared to let them go anywhere. While out of our care, they had cut my older son’s long hair (he loved it long and he told us they made him cut it). The boys both had nightmares that they’d be taken, etc. So, maybe your anxiety is from the fact that the people who took your kids, might be like the people in a crowd that you don’t know. He adds – offering support looks different in each situation. I guess something trans specific that I could share that some people don’t know is that you might have to adopt your own biological children to have normal rights. Just having your name on a birth certificate might not be enough, even if you’re the biological parent.

The issues are not so unusual these days, here is another one’s experience talking – my wife and I are both trans, and we were caregivers for a chosen family member’s child for a bit. We all had a terrible time, from people constantly mis-gendering us frequently, hurting the child in the process (like a random cashier that would say “your mom is so cool to be buying you xyz”), to some people being unable to fully hide their opinions about us or the chosen family solo parent or the child, all of us who were some flavor of trans/queer and mostly people of color. It’s absolutely trauma because people really are out there thinking we cannot be good parents or trusted caregivers, as if it’s not difficult enough already to navigate how our identities impact our parenting and how people treat our children differently. so much therapy for everyone. Because our kinship placement isn’t your side of this, but because we were also helping the kid’s adult, it gave us a perspective on what others might do to harm us… we lawyered up to double check our own estate planning for our kids and documents for the transphobia side of things (like having all vital records match everyone’s correct names/gender and having an official declaration of our parentage for our children, at least). Lastly maybe you and especially your wife might want to check out peer support groups for trans parents, there may be more community there than you might realize.

A mother of loss shares – I understand what your partner is saying with they took one baby away and gave another one back. A whole lot happens during that first eight months and it is a different baby coming back. It is important to grieve the baby that left and it’s normal to have to bond when the baby comes back. With the baby shower could there be some underlying embarrassment that they baby got taken? I had that with my family when I relinquished my baby. It is probably going to be an adjustment for sure and definitely going to be some anxiety. Therapy will help but communication and transparency between you and your partner is crucial at the end of the day you two are the only people that know what the situation feels like and are in it together. Really lean on one another.

Normal Late Teen Behavior

The girl in the image is NOT the one being referred to by this foster mother but I believe the uncertainty is not unusual in this age group, even though the girl’s reasons are valid. Today’s story –

I am the foster parent to a 17 yr old, who is about to turn 18 in a few months. She wants to change her last name, to make it harder for anyone from her past life to locate her. She had been adopted as a baby and the adoptive parents, who she got along with, are dead.

She wants nothing to do with her biological family ever again. They also want nothing to do with her. But, one older sibling she does not like, who was abusive towards her, might try to find her.

She wants to be adopted again. But, I do not plan to adopt her after she ages out of foster care because she would lose too many benefits that would help her in going to the private college of her choice. She plans to get scholarships for that based on need.

I will remain a support; and of course let her stay for the rest of high school, and during breaks from college, once she moves to the dorm. I will help her financially, as needed.

She says she wants to be adopted, once she’s in grad school, which she plans to go on to after college. I am not sure it’s a good idea but once we get to that time, it’s possible I would – if she still wanted that, as she’d be 23 years old.

Should I encourage her to choose a made up name that’s different from mine? I don’t care if she takes my last name but I don’t know if that would be better or worse for her than a made up one. She’s on the spectrum as well, although recently diagnosed and does not present that way, so most people don’t realize it. She does ask my advice a lot but I don’t know what the answer to changing her name is. She does not want the birth name she had before she was adopted. She’s already changed her first name, though not yet legally, as she hates her entire name. She is already in therapy.

Some thoughtful replies –

One woman who was adopted from India and raised in the US – it sounds like she has good reason to change her last name, and honestly I don’t see a major issue, minus financially it can be pricy. She added – it’s state by state with costs, I know for my sister it was $300 in Missouri, when we looked at it. She prefers her nickname to her legal name and my parents didn’t care, but she didn’t want to pay the cost. Several added examples – in California, there is a fee waiver form and it sounds like she might qualify for something similar. From another – in Washington state I paid ~$260 for the name change, I think ~$15 each for extra copies (which came in handy) and ~$50 for a new license. Also this one – I’m in Pennsylvania and my name change cost about $500.

There was someone who shared – Changed my name many times to get away from abusive family/and because I’m trans. If she wants not to be found, it depends on if the people looking for her know your last name. If they do, probably best to go with a different name. Still, help her find something that holds meaning to her. I’m in Virginia and it was an easy $41 ordeal.

Another shared – My husband and I both changed our last name to something unrelated to either of our families. It cost $600, had to be posted in the newspaper for 2 weeks, followed by a hearing where we just confirmed we were doing it because we wanted to. When she is 18, just allow her to do as she wishes.

From an adoptive parent – do you know her reasoning for wanting to be adopted ? It sounds to me that she may just want to belong, feel accepted, have a stable family, etc but it may be a good idea to ask and better understand her thoughts and desires around adoption.

One adoptive parent asked – Are you sure she’ll lose her benefits, if you finalize adoption ? We adopted our now 18 year old, when she was 17 but she gets all her benefits until she’s 21 (which includes scholarships and her tuition). Is there any way you can check with her social worker ? As far as her name goes, it’s her decision. When our adoption was finalized, our daughter initially kept her last name but she recently asked to change it to ours. She now has her mom’s last name as a second middle name.

Another shares her perspectives – based on what you’ve said here – I’d encourage her to wait. If she’s in danger – actual danger- that’s different. I agree with you about not adopting her; families look all sorts of ways and she can choose her own, right? Because she’s so uncertain about what she wants to call herself and why, it just seems prudent to wait until she’s an adult. She can have nicknames and that sort of thing, but changing your name is a whole big thing and complicated. I’m sure you’ll figure it out. I really like that you’re asking for other perspectives and listening to her. Just give her time and space to figure things out – especially because she’s on the spectrum. Keep helping her and supporting her like you’re doing.

Having To Choose

I’m an adoptee and I recently found my first dad. We hit it off right away. His wife sent me texts saying I was a “pump and dump” because my biological parents had a one night stand and that we need to stop talking to each other.

Unfortunately, he had to choose between keeping her happy and me — he chose to keep her happy. We are no longer “allowed” to communicate. He tried everything to compromise with her but yeah.. This happened yesterday and I woke up today crying.

I was SO happy because he understood me. I miss him so much already. It has caused such a deep, physical hurt that it takes my breath away sometimes.

Birthdays Trigger Grief

This is not uncommon among adoptees. This one discovered later in life that she had been adopted – that often causes feelings of betrayal and distrust.

I am COMPLETELY miserable on my birthday, and with each passing year, the sadness becomes more and more pronounced until it’s debilitating. It is nothing I can control; my mind and body practically go into shock all on their own without any conscious thought on my part. I’m down the entire day and can barely function. I try to put on a happy face, especially for our son because I know he doesn’t understand how one could not see a birthday as a celebratory occasion; however, I am strongly contemplating telling everyone next year to please stop recognizing my birthday, that the well wishes only bring me grief as opposed to gladness. (It’s exhausting thinking of how to deal with the confusion and—for lack of a better word—blowback.) Yes, I’ve seen therapists, and they have been no help. I stopped seeing two of them in 2024 alone, and quite frankly, at this point, I’ve lost count as to how many I’ve seen over the years.

Grief and Regrets

An adoptee shares – My 8 years older brother died a few months ago and I’ve been tasked with settling his affairs. Our adoptive parents got what info they could about us – they said he was French Canadian – he connected with his biological family later in life and learned in his 60’s that he is actually Indigenous and a victim of The 50’s Scoop – The Stolen Generation. That was huge for him and I was happy he shared that journey with me. Going through his documents after his death I learned that he was a year old when our parents adopted him. Shocked I didn’t know that… I’m haunted with wondering what happened to him in that year and sad he and i never talked about it and that it’s too late now.

Anyway, just musing on it. Thanks everyone.

Finding The Right Fit

Therapy is hard. Finding a good fit with a therapist is hard too. It takes emotional effort and money but when it fits it’s great. Best thing ever. An adoptee from 1963 who spent 1 month in isolation before adoption, writes (including summing it up with the sentences above )-

As I was starting to unpack and really look at what adoption did to me – to us – a kept therapist told me, “But I know adoptees who are fine”. So I searched out one who was a former foster care youth and adopted at age 3. I thought she’d be a good fit, but she sacked me after 3 or 4 sessions because she couldn’t go to those places with me. I freaked her out. She couldn’t look at her own adoption wounds and didn’t want to.

Then my girlfriend was talking to a friend who had lost a baby (stillborn) and was seeing a therapist to help her cope. The therapist was a midwife for 10 years with hundreds of births behind her. She focuses her clinic on mother baby bond traumas. She sees women who have lost children and children who’ve lost mothers – and now me. I wrote to her and laid out where I was at in my journey out of the fog and, nearly 4 years ago, she agreed to make a space for me.

Unexpected Regrets

Even in the reality of so much, unexpected regrets can hit due to grief and no good way to have made it all come out better. Today’s story – a kinship adoptee writes “my biological mother was always in and out of my life. My WHOLE life she struggled with addiction. I always took her in, always took care of her, always tried to help her stay sober. July of last year my biological brother un-alived himself and that same day my biological mother was diagnosed with cervical cancer.

I took my mom in to try to fight her battle with cancer but she kept testing positive for drug use, so they wouldn’t do her chemo. That lead me having to deny her staying with me because I couldn’t risk someone in active addiction in my house with my children. The last time she left the nursing home (because at this point the cancer was getting bad) to go be with her dealer, after me begging her to just stay clean and be my mom and a grandma, I had to cut off contact.

About a week and a half before she passed, she sent me a video telling me she was dying and she only had a few months left. She had signed a DNR and was going into hospice. I honestly didn’t really believe her as she was a compulsive liar and did things like this in the past for attention. However, I opened back up contact, just in case. She kept telling me her dying wish was to come be with me. live with me and my children, until she passed. I had just bought my first home a week before. I didn’t want the trauma connected to her passing in my home.

By the time I went to see her at the hospital, a few days later, she was delusional – thought I was a caseworker and my kids were actually her kids. She became so violent I had to take the kids home but did come back. She couldn’t have a real conversation but would randomly say my name or tell me she loved me. A few days later, she died two minutes before I got off work. This happened in April. My mother, who had a treatable cancer, died in less than a year due to not being strong enough to fight her addiction.

No matter how bad or crappy of a mother my mom was – I still want my mom to this day. The loss of her has destroyed me inside. On top of ALL of this because I WAS ADOPTED AND SHE WASNT ON MY BIRTH CERTIFICATE, I NO LONGER WAS THE NEXT OF KIN!!!!!’ This part KILLED me. I was the next of kin until someone told them “you know she was adopted and she isn’t her legal mom anymore”. This took any chance I had to grieve in the way I wanted. They had her cremated immediately.

I get shamed because I didn’t take her in during her dying days. I get shamed for missing her now because I wouldn’t let her live with me, when she was alive but addicted. Sometimes I feel guilty for not doing more.

Alone With No One There

A woman writes – Sitting in some unpleasant, sad, gross feelings lately. Both my mothers, biological and a non-bio/fictive kinship guardian, are deceased. Neither family is…there. I have one elderly family member from my biological mom’s side that I am -not- blood related to, due to my biological mom being adopted herself. The fictive kin family cut contact with me immediately after that second mom passed away (no explanation, nothing). I feel like I am drifting in a void, and untethered. I feel isolated from my peers and I can’t relate. Christmases, birthdays, going through hardships, even celebrating the big, joyous things, the milestones! It all feels quite lonely. And I don’t have it in me to find more eloquent words to describe how sad this makes me feel, but I can only hope someone out here gets it and we can sit in this together. Thanks for reading me.

One shared her own approach – I formed a family with my pets & then also with my best friend.

One person notes – It’s hard being alone with no connections.

Someone says – I wish I could hug you right now and be there for all your good moments to celebrate and moments like this, so you don’t feel alone.

An adoptee shares – I was there too. I’ve taken the last 24 years and built a new family for myself full of non-blood people who care deeply about me and I about them.

From another adoptee – orphaned at 10, I very much relate & sit in it every day, and so I am with you now in these feelings.

Kept Sibling Issues

An adoptive mother shares – My adopted daughter recently found her biological mom and 3 half and kept biological siblings. The mom and my daughter are overjoyed, the siblings not so much. They saw their mom at her worst addicted stages, yet were not taken because they were over and or just at age 18 when new baby (my daughter) was taken by Child Protective Services. They are now in their 30s, my daughter is 16. Bio mom is recovered and is loving and thrilled my daughter is in contact. The siblings who live with or near bio mom are not happy my daughter is now in their life. They are sad she has traveled and been to Disney, is licensed and has a car to use (they have none of that), and they can’t believe she is looking at college. Mine is upset that they got to live with their mom, have pictures all over the walls, etc. They reply their lives resembled Shameless and now my daughter has the mom who is involved, loving and sober. Her biological mom and my daughter want lots of contact but the rift with the siblings seems to grow. There is a birthday party for the biological grandma next weekend and I’m starting to wonder if she should attend, though there is no question both her mom and she want to be there. I don’t want to cause anyone more hurt or problems, though I am very happy my daughter and her biological mom have found each other. Thoughts?

One person writes – I understand that the siblings are in enormous amount of pain because of their lost childhood and trauma, so maybe they need time to process it. The siblings probably don’t hate their sibling but are bitter about their own situation and things they had to go through. But also, they should understand that the daughter is also a part of the family, and the daughter has every right to choose whether she wants to attend the birthday party or not, independent from anyone else’s opinions. And that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side either. I couldn’t imagine being bitter at my siblings because they got fostered to safety.

An adoptee suggests – Her siblings and biological mom need their own therapy together to work through their issues. Your daughter didn’t ask for any of this, so she should not be taking any blame or punishment for her siblings feelings. That is between them and the biological mom. Your daughter should take the lead and go to the party, if she wants to!

A Mother of Loss says – You let her take the lead. This is her family. She gets to make the decisions. Be there for her. The siblings will adjust, and if they don’t – so what.

Another adoptive mother advises – I completely understand where you are coming from and you can discuss your worries but kindly, these aren’t your relationships. You aren’t causing hurts nor navigating these situations and you need to not micromanage what is going on. Your daughter needs to figure out how to make these work or not – you be a shoulder and a sounding board.

From another adoptee – about kept sibling resentment – her siblings will either get over it or they won’t. There’s enough of an age gap there that it probably won’t make much of a difference to your daughter at all to be honest. The main relationship is going to be with her mother anyway. If she wants to go to the party, she should go. If she feels uncomfortable or if she is concerned for her safety should she attend, maybe she can go with her mother and see her grandmother for her birthday at another time. Note that I stressed HER concerns. She’s 16. By all means, be friendly with her mother. But this is her relationship, not yours. She gets to decide how it goes.