Fear of Abandonment

Very short on time today but I came across the image above and went looking for more from Dr Heidi Green. Not that I found much. But I do get the concept that it isn’t just the bad stuff. It is the good stuff that could have been but couldn’t be because of having been adopted and raised by strangers instead of the family you were born into.

What I did find from Dr Green gave me the title for today’s blog –

Where does fear of abandonment come from? For most people, it comes from trauma related to early childhood relationships, especially with our primary caregivers. If you couldn’t depend on your parents to be there for you and meet all your needs (physical and emotional) as a kid, you might very well be an adult who also thinks you can’t depend on people to be there for you. This creates the anxiety-driven behaviors of codependency, people-pleasing and self-abandonment in an effort to do whatever it takes to keep others from abandoning you.

Both of my parents ended up adopted. Back in the 1930s, the child might be older than newborn. At least that was the case for my parents. My mom was probably 6 months old. My dad was 8 months old. Both of them had some period of time to be in a relationship with their original genetic mothers. I can only imagine what their baby brains interpreted when mom disappeared and a stranger took her place.

I think more so for my mom, than my dad, there was no small amount of people pleasing and I have acquired a lot of my own behavior in that regard from being my mom’s daughter. However, back to Dr Green’s point – neither of my parents could totally depend on the people raising them to be there for them. My dad even experienced more than one adoptive father and was adopted a second time and his name changed yet another time when he was much older and his adoptive mother remarried, after throwing an abusive husband out of the house.

Got to run now but I hope I can spend more time on this blog tomorrow.

Kid Grows Up, Adopters Never Do

An adoptee writes – She said something about people adopting, then the kid grows up, but the adopters never do. How many of you felt like the “Grown up” in a house, having to care for your adoptive parents? I remember as young as 4, thinking “I’ve got to get out of here.” I think in the 60’s, they were so happy for kids to be adopted, they gave them to anyone. I was supposed to make my adoptive mom “well”. She was seeing all her friends with babies. The hope was, if she got one, she wouldn’t be so crazy.

Another adoptee replied – Most of us were forced to deal with the mental and emotional malfunctions of the infertile people who had purchased us. No big surprise that little children are totally incapable of coping with and fixing adult problems, although we continually were blamed for this failure.

An individual not involved directly in any adoption aspect still notes – parenthood is NOT therapy. Basically treating a child as an emotional support animal. That would mess with anyone, even when it’s your birth mother. To adopt a child, just to do that to them… just terrible.

Another adoptee says – I remember at age – like 5? Writing a letter to my adoptive uncle saying “can I live with you. I understand if you don’t love me, nobody does”. My adoptive parents “bought us a house and furniture” but “if you play by the rules the furniture is yours”. It’s a control game with them. Needless to say I haven’t spoken to them since Christmas, when I finally learned to stand up for myself and gave them a chance to change, sadly realizing they don’t see anything wrong with their actions or playing victim.

Yet another adoptee notes – any “help” from my adoptive dad comes with major strings attached.

And another adoptee says – Yes, parentification is a thing. (Parentification occurs when parents look to their children for emotional and/or practical support, rather than providing it.)

One who considers herself an ex-adoptee notes – I felt a crushing weight to parent them and be their in-home therapist and emotional support for everything, for 10yrs (9-19). Now at this point when I’m out, I can hardly meet my own emotional needs.

Another adoptee shares – recently, I fractured my arm. I’m out of work for 4 weeks because of this. I need both arms to work and I only have 1 at the moment. I don’t know how I’ll make ends meet, after my savings run dry, if my short term disability doesn’t get approved. Recent conversation with my adoptive mother –

Her: “How are you doing financially?”

Me: “not good, I don’t think I’ll be able to pay all my bills”

*context is my adoptive parents have a lot of money*

Her: “That’s too bad. Not my problem though, can’t help you out there.”

Then she hangs up on me. If I didn’t have my fiancé to help support me, I don’t think I’d be here, I’d have already given up.

Yet another adoptee – This is my life with my adoptive mother. If you weren’t letting her groom you, you were the problem and she used either circumstance to dump all her unprocessed shït on us. She kept me from therapy as a child because the counselors believed me over her. Just a reminder – abusers are just as good at grooming allies as they are at grooming victims – I could never understand why Child Protective Services didn’t see through all the BS. She used my anxiety, depression and PTSD against me and to shame me – in childhood and adulthood. She wants authority. Not to be a parent. And refuses to understand the difference. Even her biological son (16 years older than me) was very low contact (or outright no contact) with her when I was in grade school because of her behavior. But then of course, her having me in her grasp since I was 3months old, still left her enough room to blame my biological parents for my everything. Unless it was something good, that I actually I inherited from my biological parents, then my adoptive mother claimed it was from her and retroactively tried to claim it was her traits, that she passed on to me. (We were often forced to sit and listen to her and her biological family literally uplift and embrace their shared genetics in front of each other) When my own kids were born, who are the first biological relatives I’ve been able to know, one of the first things she conditioned my adoptive father to say to me, upon meeting them, was how much they’d be like her.

One confirms – There was emotional surrogacy in the home where I grew up. My adoptive father expected me to protect my adoptive mother’s feelings, during her wildly fluctuating emotional states, but didn’t protect me from the emotional abuse. He never expected her to seek mental help. I first felt it around age 8-9. But the stark reality of it hit home at 14, when I asked him for comfort after one of her unreasonable outbursts. He told me quite plainly to “behave” because I “know how she is.”

Even one with a “good” adoptive home notes – I love my adoptive parents, but I was always the adult in the house. ALWAYS.

Another one says, My adoptive mom likely has Dependent Personality Disorder. She’s a chronic child and it’s like she she wanted me to mother her. She struggles to do basic things that adults should be able to handle. I learned to cook at 5/6 because this was the best way to make sure I had food to eat that wasn’t rotten and wouldn’t make me sick. At 7, she starts telling me details about her sex life, like young women share with close female friends. At 10, I started cooking Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner myself – so we could have Thanksgiving without having to find a restaurant open. At 12, I was regularly being woken up past midnight on a school night because my adoptive parent’s got into a fight and my adoptive mother needed reassurance that everything was going to be ok. By 13, I started to realize this wasn’t normal.

Finally, an adoptee says, My boyfriend is adopted and his parents absolutely didn’t pay for an adult child. Just a baby. And tried to keep him that way. My adoptive parents tried with me. And it worked for a while. But I was very resistant. My brother, also adopted, same story. They treat him as a perpetual baby.

The Whys and What Ifs

This was posted in my all things adoption group creating a bit of outrage and controversy. Some people here have such negative opinions about adoption or trying to find a family member to take them. What if the parents are messed up and sometimes it goes back generations? What if the other family members don’t want the kids? Adoption is not a bad word and helps many kids find stability. I have 6 adopted children with 3 different mothers involved and we all get along. I don’t judge them or bring up their past and they may not like the fact that they have to go through me to be in their children lives. I will tell you it works. I share everything with them about their children and even let them come to events. I deal with grandma’s and aunts and uncles and it works. They thank me for standing up, when relatives sat down and refused to take part. In a world where it takes a village, you are extremely naive to believe one person can get it done. I get it things don’t always work out as planned and the path you are on may all the sudden change. Foster and adoptive parents are heroes who take on challenges and many times don’t see the results of their labor. The situation is not perfect because you place people together with hopes, dreams and expectations and it never works out the way you’ve planned. Let’s face it though – that’s life.

Unsurprisingly, there were a lot of comments (188) and I won’t be sharing all of them but will selectively share a few. This person’s perspective on adoption and the need for it is not uncommon in adoptionland or among adoptive parents. No one wants to know that any child is abused or neglected. That should go without saying but sometimes it still must be said.

One said – you don’t think my messed up family loves their children??? These people need to stop taking children, they’re not saving them.

Another one notes (and I have seen this more times than I have a number for) – my adoptive parents were messed up.

Someone else said what must be said – All children deserve to be raised in a safe and loving home with parents who want them and are equipped to raise them. The issues arise when there are barriers to that happening and society prioritizes giving the child away over removing the barriers. Describing adoptive parents as ‘heroes’ feeds into that mistaken prioritization.

One noted – pretty sure my family has a book on surviving fucked up!!!! We still fought to keep our family together!! I will always, always argue family is best!!

The current activist/reformist perspective is – Stewardship or Guardianship. Then there is no need for “adoption” AT ALL.

One asked the hard questions – Why does helping families in crisis include owning their children? You said it yourself, “it takes a village” – so why does the one with most resources get to own the children? Why is it such a hard concept that the whole family should be lifted up out of crisis? Why does a child have to lose everything just to receive care?

An adoptive parent writes – the reality is that adoption is not all joy and perfection. The trauma that adopted children face is a reality, there are many different factors behind the trauma but there is no denying that taking a child from their mother is trauma. Are you able to set aside how amazing you think you are, in fact can you take off the superhero cape that you wear from long enough to try and understand the words of adult adoptees? Adoptive parents are not saviors, we are not hero’s. All of our stories and experiences are different but we can learn so much from adult adoptees and try to do better.

Someone else notes – We aren’t saying that adoption is evil, we are just saying it is mostly evil (today as things are). It is a corrupted system where children are the fodder for the selfish. We are trying to make changes so there is more help for families to stay together and less child trafficking. Children, should only be removed from their natural parents in the most dire of circumstances (Rape, Murder, Incest, etc.) And even then, being adopted is and will be traumatizing. The children suffer for it and will need life long access to therapy. If it is safe enough for children to visit with and see their parents, then it is safe enough for total reunification. It is a sick world we live in, where stealing a baby is commended but helping someone through the struggles of human life, so they can parent their own kids is rarely brought up.

Blogger’s Note – No wonder I spend time nearly every day trying to be part of the answer to what is wrong about adoption.

Swear Vent and Color

I could be therapeutic. I have enjoyed coloring at various times in my life – don’t really have time now. I’m not an “angry” adoptee (just the child of two adoptees that found each other). However, this looks like a really fun way to release some emotions.

From LINK>Amazon where this book is available – The creators hope that being able to vent your feelings and thoughts in this Coloring & Journal book helps you along your healing journey.

Why an angry sweary coloring & journal book? Because punching people in the face is frowned upon, and anger isn’t great for your overall mental and physical health, if you hold on to it – so just let it all out !

As an adult adoptee that struggles with the 7 core issues of being adopted (loss, rejection, guilt and shame, grief, identity, intimacy, and mastery/control), I have created this therapeutic coloring book with angry quotes, original sweary coloring illustrations & patterns, journaling prompts and blank doodling pages (extra journal & doodle pages are included at the back).

A beneficial companion to therapy – the coloring pages will help reduce stress and anxiety, promoting mindfulness and reflection as you release your inner most angriest feelings about being adopted, adoption trauma, adoption laws, discrimination, and the adoption industry as a whole.

You don’t have to follow the journaling prompts, you can just write all your thoughts and feelings anywhere you please – this is YOUR healing journey and there are no rules.!

Helpful Tip – Don’t use felt tip markers – it might seep through to the next page. You can use colored pencils or even crayons, if you have them.

PS – I don’t know if the creators or Amazon put those “censored” stickers on the book cover but this was the only illustration I found.

DNA Matters

DNA Matters. If it didn’t non-adopted people wouldn’t do genealogy. We can’t pretend that it isn’t important. My adoptee mom had to quit working on a family tree at Ancestry based on the adoptive families of my two parents (both adoptees) because she couldn’t get over the knowledge that it wasn’t “real”. I am still committed to eventually getting the actual family trees for each of my parents into Ancestry and maybe on 23 and Me as well. I just haven’t found the time.

Today, in my all things adoption group I read – “An adoptive parent was asked why does she want biological children when she has two adopted kids. Her answer ? She wants a child that has a piece of her and her husband without any outside involvement. So, DNA DOES MATTER. It matters to all of us but many try to erase the DNA of adoptees and foster children. As if their DNA doesn’t matter and they should be grateful for it.”

My youngest son was sad when he realized that he doesn’t have any of my DNA. My donor conceived sons have contact with their donor at 23 and Me, if they wish to pursue contact. They have met her on several occasions but she lives far away and we don’t make long trips of several weeks duration out west currently. Yet, I knew DNA did matter and getting their DNA tested (both boys and their father) gave us an opportunity to explain why they were conceived the way they were.

Because they gestated in my womb and have been with me most of their lives pretty much 24/7, there is a strong bond between us. I also breastfed each of them for just over a year. My husband puts slide shows of our photos of our boys on his computer. I get lost in watching and remembering what it was like to have babies in my life again after so many years. My husband and I were married for 10 years before we started trying to conceive. I had my biological, genetic daughter when I was 19 and she has given me two grandchildren. My sons add a richness to our lives (myself and my husband) that I do cherish. I love it when they interact with me from a love that we have developed over decades. Even so, I know that DNA matters.

Our DNA can also tell us about the much more recent past. If we concentrate on the most recent bits of our DNA family trees, we can learn about the history of our modern human ancestors—when, where, and with whom ordinary people lived or moved about. I learned a lot about my own origins from Ancestry and being able to track a lot of details about my parents’ relatives. If you are not an identical twin, your DNA is unique. This means that no one else in the world has the same DNA sequence as you. Because your DNA is unique, your physical appearance, or phenotype, is also unique.

Your genes play an important role in your health, but so do your behaviors and environment, such as what you eat and how physically active you are. Epigenetics is the study of how your behaviors and environment can cause changes that affect the way your genes work. Unlike genetic changes, epigenetic changes are reversible and do not change your DNA sequence, but they can change how your body reads a DNA sequence. Your epigenetics change as you age, both as part of normal development and aging and in response to your behaviors and environment.

The Jim Twins

Jim Lewis and Jim Springer

I am a Gemini, so I’ve always been fascinated by the idea of twins. I often fantasized that there was a twin that didn’t make it to make my birth but there is no proof that ever happened. I have a sister only 13 months younger than me and when we were young, we were often dressed alike, as though we were twins – then she got much bigger than me. When I had my daughter, she would say that we were twins when she was still very young and I wondered if she was my missing twin, later born to me as her mom instead. That probably didn’t happen either. In assisted reproduction, there is a circumstance known as a vanishing twin (I experienced that with my oldest son’s conception). Adding to my own interest is the fact that I married a man who’s father is a twin. His twin brother, who was deaf due to an illness he was afflicted with when he was very young, was always tickled when local people would mistake him for my father-in-law.

Twins who were separated after birth have often been studied with remarkable results considering they were not raised together. These kinds of identical twins provide a rare opportunity for scientists to study how environment versus heredity influences human development – nurture vs nature.

Such is the case with the Jim twins. Identical twins that were separated at birth after they were placed for adoption. They did not meet one another until they were finally reunited at the age of 39. Even their wives have the same name as both married women named Linda and both divorced their wives several years later. Then both brothers married a second time to women named Betty. They also both had sons who each named – James Allan.

The Jim twins were born in 1940. Each was given the same first name by their respective adoptive parents. They even grew up just 40 miles apart from each other, their lives lived in a kind of parallel existence. Jim Lewis grew up knowing that he had a twin brother. Jim Springer’s mother had told him that his twin had passed away as a baby. Both had a brother named Larry and a dog called Toy. They shared the same interests in school – mathematics and woodwork – and both hated spelling. They shared a common interest in mechanical drawing and block lettering.

Both ended being heavy chain smokers and even owned the same make of car – a Chevrolet. They took vacations and went to the same Florida beach resort. Even so, they never encountered each other at the time. While their employment was not identical, their jobs were similar – Jim Lewis worked as a security guard and Jim Springer became a deputy sheriff.

Eventually, Jim Lewis went to an Ohio courthouse seeking contact details for his long-lost twin brother. They spoke to one another on the phone and subsequently agreed to meet. Even though Jim Springer did not know his twin was still alive, he said he had “always felt an emptiness” growing up.

A study of the two men by Dr Thomas Bouchard, director of the Minnesota Study Project – Twins Reared Apart, discovered that their medical histories and even their brain-wave tests were almost identical. They both suffered a type of migraine headache that began when they were at the age of 18. Both suffer the same degree of disability and the same frequency — and they even use almost identical words to describe it. The cause may be far more biological than doctors in the field have believed. The twins also scored nearly identical on a personality test. During that study, when asked to create a picture, they even drew the exact same thing.

“We even use the same slang,” Jim Lewis notes. “A lot of times, I’ll start to say something, and he’ll finish it!” Researchers have said this phenomenon can be attributed to the twins having remarkably similar brain waves. This causes the perception that some identical twins “think alike.” One has to wonder if there are genetic influences that affect our life choices.

Information about twins is being gathered and analyzed globally. Most of the Scandinavian countries maintain a twin registry. The Swedes, for instance, have data on 26,000 pairs of twins, dating back as far as 1886. In Rome, more than 15,000 pairs of twins are registered with the pioneering Gregor Mendel Institute for Medical Genetics and Twin Studies. And here in the United States, there is another one at the National Academy of Sciences — National Research Council’s Twin Registry. That director is Zdenek Hrubec. He keeps tabs on 16,000 pairs of male twins, in which both have served in the military.

There are an estimated 100 million twins in the world. Identical twins are called monozygotic twins because they develop from a single fertilized egg that later divides to produce two embryos that are genetically identical. About 3.5 identical twins occur in every 1,000 live births, a rate that has remained constant without regard to socio‐economic factors or even individual characteristics such as maternal age. In extremely rare cases (usually involving some chromosomal abnormalities), twins of opposite genders are born. Only one in three twin births produces identical twins. Much more common are fraternal twins. This occurs when two eggs are fertilized about the same time. Genetically speaking, these “twins” are no more similar than any other siblings.

There is some progress in adoptionland – identical twins are rarely separated and reared apart today. Thanks to more enlightened welfare policies and changing social attitudes that have removed the social disgrace that was once associated with illegitimacy.

There is much more information than I have shared here in this New York Times article – LINK>Twins Reared Apart: A Living Lab.

It Isn’t Always Possible

You just want so desperately to see your child happy, content, and safe and to watch them reach their full potential and succeed in obtaining everything they desire in life. This is in the heart of every parent ever. But what you want is not always possible to achieve. So, if right now, you feel so defeated that you wonder if success will ever be possible for your child, take some time to inform yourself fully. You may feel in your heart that if they continue on the self-destructive path they are on right now, they’ll miss out on every chance they’re given to succeed.

I guess I was vaguely aware of something known as the Troubled Teen Industry. Programs like Outward Bound which began in 1962. In the case of that organization I read – the fatalities—cardiac arrests, mountaineering falls, drowning, hypothermia—have not been widely publicized, and the company has never been held liable for a death by a judge and jury. I found this article at LINK>The Adventure Blog titled Controversy At Outward Bound! from as recently as 2021 by Kraig Becker that may be worth the time, if you are considering such a program.

Actually today’s blog started at LINK>An Open Letter to Families Considering the Troubled Teen Industry by Blythe Baird. Certainly, the teen years can be challenging. I am grateful that it has not been the case with my sons (now 18 and 22) but I do remember some challenging moments with my daughter, who was being raised by her dad and a step-mother. Not to worry anyone – she turned out to be an amazing adult and a wonderful mother to her two children (always an inspiration for me, when I was around to see it).

Googling the term – Troubled Teen Industry – I found another site – LINK>unsilenced.org. They note that – Every year, thousands of children are sent against their will – often ripped out of their beds in the middle of the night by strangers – to private facilities to be treated for various mental illnesses, addiction issues, and perceived behavioral problems. Due to inconsistencies in the definition of what a therapeutic program is and a lack of regulatory oversight, the exact number of these centers and children in them is not known but it is estimated that there is over 120,000+ children kept in over 5,000+ centers around the United States and abroad. This is collectively known as the “Troubled Teen Industry.” Also noted is that the industry represents a multi-billion-dollar industry in the United States. The programs market themselves to parents, therapists, state and judicial agencies, and insurance companies as providers of therapeutic treatment for almost every problem. The cost of these programs ranges from $5,000-30,000 a month with an indefinite internment timeframe.

Adoptees and youth who have spent time in foster care arrive into any home they are placed in with trauma and that can certainly lead to behaviors that the “parents” are unequipped to deal with. Trauma Informed Therapists are crucial in these situations and must be carefully vetted that they don’t do more damage than good. You may wish to read more – LINK>What Is Trauma-Informed Therapy? Do this for the child you care about before you send them off to hell.

Discarded in the Aftermath

Borrowed from the Source in the graphic –

I’m fascinated by beautifully wrapped gifts, the time some people take to cultivate the external appeal encasing the internal mystery. Wrapping so inviting you may feel a tinge of guilt for ripping it open, possibly carefully tugging at taped edges, delicately unfolding corners, trying to keep the pretty paper in tact, maybe even so you can reuse it for another gift. Each time the packaging gets used though, the wear shows. Whether a torn section or tape pulling up some of the print of the paper when opened, ultimately, the paper winds up in the garbage after a party or burned in a fireplace for holiday kindling. If we’re being honest, most people don’t care what kind of package a gift comes in because what matters is the gift. The packaging is very easily discarded when the focus is the present within.

I am struck by the sobering realization that adoptees are often called gifts. In my early hazes, I even said I “gifted” my children to their adoptive parents. The problem with this thinking is it reduced me to packaging. The carrier of the gift, the vessel. The thing that can be easily discarded in the aftermath of possession of the present. A majority of birth mothers face this around 5+ years post placement because many promises for open adoptions end up broken and closed, not being legally enforceable or financially impossible for a mother to fight to keep open. What this says is: If adoptees are gifts, birth mothers are the wrapping paper, and we typically end up considered trash and discarded after the present is received.

I want to remind everyone this mom season that birth moms are still mothers, even though we may not be parents or raising our children, we are not simply packaging. We are humans who experienced traumas long before our lives led us to these impossible decisions, with lifetimes of healing to pursue in the wake of relinquishment. Acknowledge us as more than the garbage most of society views us as. Even if we are hard to love and support, we still deserve to be, especially when we are the pieces of the children so many claim to want to love and support. That should include us too.

The Brain Has Been Rewired

Adoption trauma and ADHD can look similar or be co-existent. The explanation below comes from a trauma mitigation researcher was found helpful by some – “the brain has been rewired.”

Trauma (particularly neglect) can look close to “level 1” autism or ADHD/ADD. Their neural pathways are altered similarly, which is why the symptoms are similar. “Born” that way or chemically/head trauma caused (functioning altered from brain damage in childhood) and epigenetic/after birth alteration caused neurodiversity have slight specifics but ultimately the cause doesn’t matter in the “now”.

ADHD/ADD medication could help, even if they are only experiencing trauma responses that are causing those symptoms.

The difference tends to be that people with trauma have higher levels of BDNF – or a neuronal growth factor – and that gives them higher plasticity to regrow pathways. Medication does not reduce the BDNF level or neuroplasticity, in fact it can sometimes increase it further aiding in the process. The brain has been recently changed, instead of always being that way. So things like typical therapy (hypothetically) can rewire their brains, unlike people with “born” neurodiversity (and toxically caused/physically caused neurodiversity as brain damage that is typically permanent). People with born neurodiversity can “rewire” in their own ways but the traumatic stress from doing so, is a whole different thing. No matter the cause medication is a good choice.

More than one adoptee said things like – I do actually have ADHD and I wish I had been medicated for it as a child. I eventually turned to self-medication to try and function which developed into a full blow substance use disorder, which is not an uncommon outcome for children with untreated ADHD. Living with ADHD in a world that thinks you’re just lazy and chaotic is it’s own form of trauma. Not being able to stop yourself from acting in ways you don’t want to act is kind of terrifying, or it was for me as a child.

Another one – I wish I had been medicated as a child. I have severe ADHD (whether it’s trauma I couldn’t tell you). I was denied the medication that would have made school easier for me and the accommodations I deserved and needed to thrive. By the time I got to a four year university, I was so behind there was no chance.

And this – ADHD meds (Adderall) helped me concentrate. But I also have a diagnosis of ADHD on top of adoption trauma and CPTSD. I didn’t experience a downside aside from a bit of a crash, until I switched to extended release. A computer test at an ADHD treatment center that tested listening and reaction times helped tease out that I actually have ADHD.

And another – I didn’t figure out my ADHD / Neurodivergence until I had a toddler with traits much like my own, minus the adoption / trauma background. Turns out I’m a combo of both adoption trauma + ADHD. I recently figured out I’m also autistic. It’s quite possible many adoptees are Neurodivergent, on top of the trauma. So much of it is genetic — and who’s more likely to have an unplanned moment?? ADHD people. Meds were life changing for me. They’re short lived in the system, so if they’re not good for you, you can stop them and try something different.

Also from another adoptee – I read research recently that says adoptees are 2 to 3 times more likely to have ADHD or ASD. It fits with the damage done by maternal separation and forcing a child to pretend that strangers are their parents, when they know they’re not.

More – I have ADHD and my meds make my life significantly better I am calmer and can focus. Or this – I wish I’d been diagnosed as a child, I think a lot of us 80s and 90s babies got missed and labeled as difficult. My adoptive parents still tell me what an awful teenager I was. It is hard to say really, what was adoption trauma, ADHD, ASD or just being a teenager.

A different suggestion was this – I recommend trying the Safe and Sound Protocol before medication because it helps reset the nervous system and then, you can find out what was wired due to trauma/PTSD and what is chemical imbalances. I was over medicated for everything and it made me worse but no one realized it. The SSP is a music frequency that is designed to stimulate the vagus nerve which is in charge of your autonomic nervous system. It should be used for kids & adults with ADHD, those on the spectrum and PTSD etc! It can be LIFE CHANGING!

I found this from Janae Elisabeth, the Trauma Geek, on Medium – LINK>A Neurodivergent Review of the Safe and Sound Protocol. She writes – The original recommendation was for trauma survivors to listen to one hour of this filtered music each day for 5 days. That recommendation has been amended, as this pacing has been found to be too fast for many people. The current recommendation is to try 10–15 minute segments, and to take breaks between listening days. Even this pace can be too much for some people’s nervous system. For some people, a good pace involves listening to as little as 30 seconds of the protocol at a time. For other people, this tool may just not be a good fit in any format.

March Makes Me Think Of My Dad

My Dad

With the arrival of March, came thoughts about my father. He was an adoptee, as was my mother. Like my mom, he never knew anything about his familial origins. When he died, he had a half-sister living only 90 miles away who could have told him so much about his birth mother. Sadly, he never wanted to know and counseled my mom not to go searching that it might be like opening a can of worms – fisherman that he was all of his life.

My dad was sociable and outgoing which had me reflecting on my dad’s own father – Rasmus Martin Hansen, who was born in Denmark and immigrated to the US in the 1920s. He was a married man having an affair at the time my dad’s mother conceived him. It does not appear that he ever knew he had a son and my dad was the only child he ever fathered (as far as is known LOL). What I know of him is that he was also outgoing and sociable. He was the dock master at a yacht club in San Diego until his untimely death from a heart attack while driving home. He had many celebrity friends who even came for his funeral.

So, my dad comes by his fisherman genes honestly by way of this other fisherman who was his father. My dad is also a Pisces (as was his father) and was born just a few steps away from the Pacific Ocean near San Diego. He just was as he was conceived and born to be. He passed away February 3 2016. I do miss him dearly.

While he could be a lot of fun as a father – gave me a dirt bike to ride when I was still a school girls and took us for rides in his dune buggy in the desert sandhills of El Paso Texas where we grew up – he could also be infuriating and at times when I was growing up, truly terrifying (while never laying a hand on us). Even so, though I did get angry at him and would give him a piece of my mind quite honestly on many occasions, it never diminished a deep love I had for him. After all, when my unwed teenage mother turned up pregnant with me – he did not abandon us.

His birthday is so close to St Patrick’s Day that I have never forgotten it and so he was given the middle name of Patrick when he was adopted (his birth name was Arthur Martin Hempstead – the first a family name, the middle his dad’s name and the surname, his unmarried mother’s surname). Interestingly, I have learned that my Grandfather Rasmus’ birthday is very close (March 10th) to my dad’s and so, I think of both of them with the arrival of March.