Tag: Adoption Industry Lies

It’s Complicated

A woman who went from foster care into being adopted at age 5 writes about the all things adoption group that I am part of as well – “Honestly, when I first joined I thought woahhhhh, wtf is going on. I thought adoption was the best thing, a loving alternative, selfless choice. Etc. Still not entirely sure my thoughts…its complex.”

blogger’s note – I understand. As the child of two adoptees, I felt the same way when I arrived in that group. Learning about my parents original parents, left me confused about the adoptive relatives I grew up with. I think I’ve almost resolved it, still not certain 100%, but yeah – it’s complex.

She continues – By all accounts I’m a “successful” and “productive” member of society. A partner, two kids, a nice house, a great job, etc. But my adoptive parents (still getting used to that term) have disowned me…again. First time was in my 20s, when I got divorced. I went through that alone and very very broke. This 2nd time is now that my husband and I have moved from FL (2 hours away from my adoptive parents who were not very helpful or involved) back to MD where we have a huge support network of friends and very involved “adopted” grandparents (my husband travels extensively for the fed government and extra hands were promised by my parents in FL but never materialized).

The problem ? My adoptive mother is…furious we dared to move. FURIOUS. What I’m grappling with is the loss of my adoptive parents and just coming to terms with their conditional love and really wild misplaced hate. I love them. I really do. My kids loved them too. But shit, it seems like this is common ? Adoptive parents turning their backs on their kids ? Why ?? How ? Are there support groups ? I’ve been to counseling but it wasn’t adoptee centered. Honestly I really didn’t want to admit to myself that adoption has played any part in my parents behavior but shit…it’s a lot.

She requests any words or suggestions of support from anyone (whether an adoptee or not).

Someone with similar early circumstances writes – Why does anybody expect strangers to treat someone else’s child as if “born to them”. It seems more normal for strangers to temporarily care for someone else’s child. The entire adoption industry is based on the great big lie. Please know that you are not the only one.

Another adoptee writes – I don’t know what to tell you to be honest. The best I can give you is find those who are your tribe and stick with them. I don’t think we’ll ever understand the hows or the whys of this whole mess. I think we have to be grateful for the good that we have and grieve the losses of the things that we wish we could have had. Be thankful you have a supportive husband and extended family. I’m kind of on an island by myself. I long for a partner that will support me.

Someone writes from personal experience, it’s because they have a mindset of people being replaceable.

From another adoptee – Unfortunately, it is very common. I think it goes back to the terminology people use around adoption – we were “chosen”. Well, something chosen can be UNchosen. They never like to talk about that part. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It never gets any easier, does it? Sending you hugs.

An adoptee admits – My trauma didn’t hit me until I started to have kids and just couldn’t wrap my brain around it. My adoption had caused me a lot of unexplained health issues.

Infants In Need Of Homes ?

That there are infants in need of homes is just one of the lies the adoption industry perpetuates to keep the money flowing in their direction. If what you really want to do is help marginalized or at risk mothers and children, find out how you can offer support within your local community.

One example from a quick google search yielded The Conrad N Hilton Foundation’s efforts (with the help of other local funders) through an initiative – LINK>Strengthening At Risk and Homeless Young Mothers and Children – that ran from 2007-2011. That initiative sought to improve the housing, health, and development of homeless and at-risk mothers and children by supporting locally-based partnerships that included housing/homelessness and child development agencies, as well as those that address family preservation, domestic violence, mental health, substance use and other support services for the target population. The Initiative’s desired impacts were not limited to clients alone; it also aimed to integrate systems and disseminate knowledge in order to improve services for families not directly enrolled in its programs.

If you google – “Helping At Risk Mothers and Children” – you will come up with many many organizations and state level efforts seeking to make a difference.

This all started because a woman wants to make the choice to adopt, not out of lack but as a personal choice, because infertility is not an issue for her. The perspective is – keep a child whose parents gave up or died or something else in order for that child not to be jumping from one foster to another until they age out but actually have a place to call home. One commenter noted – sounds like you have a savior complex. Very often such a desire does drive adoption choices.

Someone else tried to insert some reality – What you’ve heard and read about there being so many children in need of homes is a lie made up by the adoption industry. Really. It’s a MULTI BILLION dollar industry per year. The fact that you said that you didn’t want to go through an agency because of corruption – I think that’s what you said? tells me that you need to do more research. What little oversight there is happens with agencies that are required to be accountable (such as it is) to the government, state, etc. There are SOME rules. Without that, it’s a complete free for all. The women are lied to, you’re lied to and the child is the one that pays the price with trauma over a lifetime.

When you push back by saying that anyone who has something to say that you don’t like as being just negative – well, that’s really unkind of you and just not fair. Adoptees are the victims of adults who make choices about them without their control. With adoption, there will ALWAYS be attachment from the child to their biological families. These children have mannerisms, looks, hobbies, etc will be inherited from the biological family. Experts now know that children are not blank slates from birth. 

As an example, the child I surrendered was during the closed era. Contact was impossible during her childhood but when we did reunite ? She has my mannerisms, she sounds exactly like me on the telephone and more. She even flips her hair out of her eyes, just like I do. Her passions in life are those of my family and her biological father, do not come from her adoptive parents. This is just a fraction of things to consider.

If you want to help others, you can donate to families that are in need, rather than just the babies or children. It would be terrific if you do that. It would not require you to separate a family and deal with all the things that you don’t want or need to deal with. Donate money or volunteer your time. There’s so many ways to help others that don’t make things worse, where you can really be of service.