Infertility and Reality

I read today where a woman wrote – In reality, unless you have gone through infertility, no one should value your opinion. You can not relate. Adoption is a beautiful thing. It gives many children loving homes, with two people who love them. It does not matter if your child is biologically yours or not. The love is the same.

This is, of course, the standard adoption industry narrative.

A woman shares that she saw this on a thread about infant trauma from maternal separation. She responded to this with “WHOA!! Did you just say that no one who hasn’t experienced infertility should have their opinion on adoption valued?

“So the mother who lost our children to a predatory industry – our opinion on the pain of that, even though it’s literally killing us, should not be valued. And children who lose their biological connections forever without their consent, and live forever with the pain of that loss, should not have their opinion valued.

“Only those who can’t have children should have a valuable opinion on whether they can continue to have access to other people’s children??”

An adoptee shares her lived experience – I’d argue that actually, my infertile adopted mother did NOT love me the same. She grew a love for me, sure. She says she loves me, but I am telling you, it’s absolutely NOT the same as if they had just given my biological mother the chance to love and raise me with the proper supports in place. I was robbed of proper love from my mother because I was adopted.

A mother of loss (child surrendered to adoption) writes – yeah beautiful for the adoptive parents. Not necessarily for the child or the natural parents. But our opinion doesn’t matter. Another woman from that category says – So because someone hasn’t gone through a thing, they shouldn’t have an opinion on that thing. Hmmm.

Then this from an adoptee who HAS struggled with infertility for almost 15 years – This take always fills me with so much anger. I NEVER once considered stealing someone else’s child. Instead, I directed the love into working with children and it brought me so much happiness and joy – no destruction of a family necessary. And then after the long battle, I had my *own* son and I can tell you that I never felt the way I feel about my son about any of the other kids I cared for – regardless of how much I cared for them. I loved them deeply, but they weren’t *mine.*

She adds this about her son — we are each other’s genetic mirror, the bond happened while he was still in my belly, it’s been there intrinsically. Never artificial. His birth tested the bond between my adoptive mother and I, and let me tell you it became crystal clear just how *not* hers I am, once she saw the bond between my son and I.

Thanks For Choosing Life

I read these 2 questions in my all things adoption group today –

Have you given public (like social media) credit to your adopted child’s birth mother for “choosing life” ? Why is this inappropriate and problematic ?

Some responses –

From an adoptee – I always wonder if people who say this to birth moms also say it to any random person. They have no idea who was considering abortion vs who wasn’t. Another adoptee shares – I’ve been told “you’re lucky your mom chose life” so many times.

One woman noted – I know people obviously don’t do this directly BUT one thing I’ve noticed since becoming a Mom is that people DO seem to assume you are pro-life if you have babies, especially young ones and especially if in a married “nuclear” family ! Like, no I had an abortion in between my 2 boys because I didn’t want a baby that soon, pretty simple ! And people are always SHOCKED. Even pro-choice people sometimes.

Another adoptee admits (and she was not the only one) – I told my birth parents this as a naive young teenager thick in the fog.

From one woman who surrendered a child to adoption – I’ve had 2 people say something like this to me and I literally burst into tears. I don’t want or need “thanks” for experiencing the worst event of my life and the life of my child. To which another shared a brilliant comeback – I had someone (a friend at the time) ask me wasn’t it better than an abortion. I told her to try it with one of her kids.

Another women who works in women’s health said – I’ll hold their hand and support them, whatever they choose. Not my body, not my business. Women should not be incubators for babies they don’t want. An adoptee says similarly, These phrases reduce women to breeders in support of the adoption industry. They make me sick.

Another adoptee shares – Would I rather have been aborted? Not the same discussion but for argument’s sake – I didn’t have sex until I knew, if necessary, I could be a single parent (I have not been raped and my abuser was female). I knew I couldn’t knowingly put a child through what I went through.

One who had bad experiences shares – yes, I understand the chain reaction of my son and his mom had I never been born, but I also recognize the horrible hell I suffered from foster / adoptive / foster parents. And of course, you have to equally weigh the negative impact of my not being born, my parents wouldn’t have been so traumatized, they’d likely have graduated, I know for sure my mom would have done very well for herself, as she was working her butt off and trying her best, until I was wrongfully taken. (Blogger’s note -It does get bad and I just can’t but child predators are mentioned).

And sadly, I’m certain this woman is not the only one – As a pregnant teenager in a violently abusive cult, they never, ever would have let me abort. A baby created out of violent abuse that I was terrified to have and never wanted to begin with but was left no other option than to birth and raise another vulnerable child in the confines of the cult. I used to feel guilty because I just wanted the baby out of my body. I wanted control over my body for once. I was never so relieved (and so ashamed) when I miscarried at 19 weeks. I never chose life for that baby. The baby was forcefully conceived, forcefully carried, and would have been violently abused had she lived. Every woman should be able to choose and be radically supported in her choice.

She Loved Me So Much

At least the woman in this photo got to hold her baby before handing her son over to another couple to raise. Like many young women who surrender their newborn to adoption, this young woman was at rock bottom and living in her car. She had no familial support and was alone with her pregnancy. One common perspective is – God wanted me to take this path. Religion often plays a role in couples wanting to adopt and in biological, genetic mothers making that choice to surrender their baby. Maternity homes are often linked to a religion.

An adoptee shares her experience – My mother left me at the hospital, when I was born. I was told – she did it because she loved me. After a brief stay at the hospital, where I (and others) were denied the comfort of being held, I went to a foster home. There I learned to walk and use some words. I had developed 2-3 word sentences, when the social worker took me from my foster home and dropped me at a stranger’s home. These became my adoptive parents. By the time I was in 3rd grade, my adoptive mother was “sick”. She stayed in bed with the door closed a lot. She always seemed mad.

I would learn 22 years later, it was because she had discovered alcohol took her arthritic pain away. Then Cortizone became available but that shot every 2 weeks didn’t change her alcoholism. So she also became addicted to steroids. I grew up thinking addiction issues were “normal”. Growing up, I wasn’t taught there was anything wrong with my mother leaving me. She did it because she loved me. My parenting skills were warped by my reality. I never received the therapy I needed as a child. If I had, I’m pretty sure I would have chosen to not procreate. I was left in the dark world of popular adoption narratives that never matched my reality.

Another adoptee responds – I never did completely buy that BS about “your [biological] mother loved you SO much she gave you away, so you would have a better life.” Then when I had my own first child, at 25, same age as my biological mother had been when she had me, whatever shred of the BS I had wanted to believe was somehow true was blown out of the water, as soon as I held my newborn infant. There are some biological mothers who gave their babies away that have convinced themselves that this narrative is true. Some of them have told me the reason adoptions were closed is to “protect” the mothers from “adoptees like me” who don’t buy that line, and who are angry with them, rather than grateful for having been “loved so much.” Adopted adults have been experiencing reunions, after finding their biological, genetic family, since the 60’s. There are no credible stories of an adopted person who has injured or killed their biological mother. That “excuse” is just a part of the industry propaganda.

One woman notes – When are people going to wake up that adoption is NOT for the child. My adoptive mother had SEVERE mental illness and NEVER left the house after I turned 6 – literally NEVER!

And the truth is, they won’t as long as the adoption industry propaganda continues to be the acceptable narrative. Sort of tongue in cheek – it would help if babies had a vocabulary and could use their words. As it is, by the time they could, they’ve been pretty much brainwashed into a kind of Stockholm syndrome. They have developed a fear of expressing anything that might be interpreted by the adoptive parents as displeasure in them, as parents.

Emotional withdrawal or neglect is just another form of abandonment…and it is not an expression of love, no matter how adoptive parents spin it. Only my adopters didn’t stay confined to their rooms; they constantly violated my boundaries. I was the one who tried to isolate as much as I could. My room wasn’t safe enough, so I’d escape by running away.

Another considers herself lucky enough to have been abandoned or emotionally neglected. She notes, “It’s a wonder I function pretty well and cover it up. However, I’m just numb to most of life.”

Someone else says, I had one of those kind of “moms” who stayed in her bed in her room. No wonder I feel guilty for staying in bed when I actually have a real illness.

Lastly, yet another adoptee shares her story – I started to doubt the “loved you so much she gave you away.” line when I was still young. People would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up and I said a birth mom. I wanted to have kids and give them away to people who couldn’t have kids, so they could be happy. (Just repeating the crap I had been told.) And I was met with silence. Or “oh, you don’t want to give your babies away, your such a good little babysitter”, etc. Nope. I am going to give them away because I love them and want them to have money for the doctor. I’d say. Their faces were so unhappy. I was so confused. I look back at that little me and just cringe….

She was reassured – the fact that all the adults in our lives pushed the same narrative results in our blaming ourselves for the confusion we feel emotionally towards adoption.

God Didn’t Do This

This is normal, this happens….birth mothers do change their mind, there’s always that chance. Adoption reformers want more expectant mothers to give raising their baby themselves a chance, rather than succumbing to adoption industry coercion, manipulation and narratives.

Still, there is another side to such stories and so here is the point of view from the disappointment suffered by a prospective adoptive parents –

I would love to tell you that we have spent the last few days soaking in the joy of being new parents, but our birth mom changed her mind at discharge and they took our little girl. Instead of coming home to her room, she went home to an empty RV with only the outfit she was wearing. No crib, no clothes, no books, no bassinet, no nothing, her “home” is as empty as our hearts.

There is no greater pain than losing a child and while we’re so thankful that she’s okay; we have lost her and we’re not okay. The pain in our hearts hurts so deep that our bodies physically ache. We can’t eat or drink because it does not go past the lump in our throats. I have hundreds of messages asking about her and sending love and congratulations but I can’t even look at them. I don’t want to go in public, I don’t want to have to explain this, I don’t want to hear people say they are sorry.

We spent 5 months remodeling our house and getting her room ready, but now our house no longer feels like home. Carrying that empty carseat out of the hospital and into our house were the hardest steps I’ve ever taken in my life. I keep praying the birth mom will change her mind but I’m also truly struggling with my faith. How can God do this to us? What have I possibly done to deserve such heartache?

I’ve found my husband on the floor in her room reading her books and just sobbing. My son held me so close crying on my shoulder and said “mom you’re too kind for this world and it’s a blessing and curse, but please don’t let this change you. The world needs more people like you to be a light in the dark.” I quite literally melted to the floor, but how do you not let this change you??!?! I’m cold, I’m numb, I’m broken, I’m angry, I’m crushed, and I don’t even know how to start picking up the pieces and moving forward.

We need time, and I don’t know how long it will take or if I’ll ever find a way to get back to being me. I’m not going to be responding to anything gym, rescue, or school board related. Please don’t reach out for help right now because I can’t even help myself. Please pray for our hearts, please pray for the baby and her mother (we don’t even know what her name is because we asked her not to use our name.)

Please respect that we need time and space. I’m not going to be on social media and to be perfectly honest – I only picked up my phone just now to make this post, so people stop asking about her. I don’t know how she is, I don’t know where she is, and ever since our world came crumbling down around us, I don’t even know who I am. So please, just don’t ask.

Blogger’s Note – Welcome To The Empty Car Seat Club. The truth is, it is a privilege to bring a baby home from the hospital. When that baby is not actually yours, if you do bring the infant home, you are causing trauma for both – that baby and their biological genetic mother. I’m not surprised that the aftermath of such an unexpected change in plans is full of sadness, grief, an unfathomable feeling of loss, and a different life than was planned that must now be adjusted to. I wish the reality were easier to bear but the outcome was for the best. There is lots of time for that mom to surrender her baby but it becomes much less likely once she has the opportunity to bond with her infant.