From the blog yesterday asking adoptive parents how they were complicit in a toxic industry, came some ideas from an adoptee on how adoptive parents might make restitution to adoptees –

– Go to adoption informed counseling.

– Grieve your own infertility losses.

– Fully recognize that pretending the adoptee’s are your children is sick. You’re raising them and it is a PRIVILEGE to do so.

– Facilitate ANY and all (safe) birthfamily relationships. If visits need to be supervised, then fully commit to that and the supervisor isn’t you, unless the child requests that. (I only used that caveat because someone always asks, “But what if it’s not saaaafe?” Safe does not equate with personal comfort.)

– Do whatever you can to obtain the adoptee’s original birth certificate.

– Embrace and celebrate the adoptee’s race/culture/heritage. Just because you may be or may appear to be the same race doesn’t mean you have the same culture.

– Refer to the adoptee’s birthparents as parents. Recognize that while you may deeply love them and are raising them, they come from another family first.

– Continue to offer therapy for the adoptee and make certain to offer racially and culturally sensitive adoption trauma informed sources.

– Have books written by adoptees in your personal library and in your home for the children.

– Create and be a safe place for the adoptees.

– Check your hurt feelings at the door and always follow the adoptees lead.

– Do they want to talk? Your job is to listen. LISTEN.

– Do they want to be quiet? Your job is to also be quiet.

– ALWAYS follow the adoptee’s lead and trust their intuition.

– Listen to adult adoptees FIRST.

– Advocate for adoptees and first families.

– In your home.

– In your place of worship (if applicable) and remind people that their “answered prayer” came at the greatest cost a woman could pay (the loss of her child).

– Amongst adopter friends and family.

– FINANCIALLY. Give to Go Fund Me’s for women who want to parent their babies.

AND EMPHASIZING THIS AGAIN – LISTEN TO ADULT ADOPTEE VOICES.